public diary

fibromyalgia, chronic EBV, CFS, and IC. 27 years old, California.

[h4vemercy]

Hardy vegetable soup 🍲

Carrots, Chickpeas, Potatoes, Pasta, Onion

Simmered in homemade vegetable stock, drizzled in olive oil and oregano

[h4vemercy]

Prints I made! 💜

[h4vemercy]

[h4vemercy]

my loss? no babe, it was yours. you didn’t just lose a person. you lost someone who loved you with unrelenting passion, who stood by you even when you didn’t deserve it. you lost the one who believed in you at your lowest, who took your worst & still saw your worth. you lost loyalty that persevered through every obstacle, patience that outlasted every setback, & a love that refused to quit even when quitting would’ve been easier. you lost someone that hid & wiped her own tears, so that she could love you in your darkness even tho she was alone in hers. you lost a heart that never stopped caring, hands that kept reaching out, & a soul that put you first even when you put her last.

i lost someone who was never mine. but you..

you lost someone who was always yours.

[h4vemercy]

It's honestly crazy women are still going 50/50 with men who don't pick up the house, plan dates, p0rn addictions, lustful eyes, teeth not brushed months, on the PC for 12 hours a day, and we're still expected to be feminine or want them back. 😭 What the fuck is this generation dude.

[h4vemercy]

Disillusioned; realizing your dad is also part of the "it's all men" reality we live in.

[h4vemercy]

unrecognized emotional labor put into the relationship that burns me out, makes me feel unseen, and makes me question why this load is put on me and not you.

Picking up after you. Cleaning up your PC area, without being asked. Doing your chores without being asked. Understanding that having a clean space is a moral obligation in a relationship and home that picking up or cleaning shouldn't have to be asked. Just done. When I am away at work, you should at least clean the bed since I am not there to be in the way. When you are at work, I spend some of those days cleaning since you aren't there. Understanding that it's a considerate and nice thing to do. Doing your laundry, ect.

Going out of my way to find meds or appointments when the rats are sick. Being in charge of getting their bedding and meds and always paying for it. Paying for their chews and toys. (You bought their fabric tunnels) Being in charge or the one obligated to clean their cage. I have to ask you to do it, when it's clear that it should just be done without someone having to ask. I am always paying for their things.

Having to keep track of your things (wallet, glasses, weed, pipes) and having the obligation of finding them because you don't pay attention to where you put your stuff. Being in charge of your underwear or socks for when you go to work, but never doing the same for me. Never asking if I want coffee in the morning. Never paying attention to my things when they are lost. Never going out of your way to make sure I have clean underwear or socks. Why am I put in this position? Am I a mother too? I wouldn't mind doing this shit if it was reciprocated, but it's not. You don't even make alarms for me when I have work. You don't wake me up and offer coffee. When I have work, I get up and no one makes me food or coffee.

And the biggest one, is always stressing about money. Being in charge of paying

[h4vemercy]

People who use moral licensing to justify their behavior or betrayal are the worst type of people.

Examples; someone cheats on you, but says it's okay because at least they don't hit you.

Someone who steals, but says it's okay cos they donate to charity.

Someone who lies, but says it's okay cos they tell the truth 90 percent of the other time.

"good deeds" weaponized to use in the future for when they make mistakes.

They don't take accountability, they use moral code against you to justify bad things they do.

[h4vemercy]

I think my soul left my body so fucking long ago, I have no idea who I am, what I represent, how to talk to people. I feel so incredibly empty and unproud of who I am. There's this unweaving, damming amount of guilt weighing on my shoulders. I constantly feel guilty for everything. I'm ashamed of me, I'm ashamed of what I became. I'm ashamed of being in this body. I'm so embarrassed about how little progress I've made in my life. Everything is so stagnant. I truly feel empty. A shell of a human.

[h4vemercy]

My sister's death. Dealing with grief when you have an energy limiting illness.

It's been 3 years, I probably should talk more openly about it but I don't. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I don't want anyone to think I'd ever farm sympathy from a tragic death. I'm not asking for any of that. The only thing I wish people would understand is that life and the way you see life afterwards isn't the same. You stop hearing the "birds" sing. You stop looking at the world with rose colored glasses. You only see things for how tragic and unfair they are. You get more .... Cold.

Before she passed, I had already been battling chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. I already felt disconnected to the world and people in general. When I'd lose jobs, friends, or other things going wrong in my life, I could already barely muster up the energy to shed a tear. My body is on limited energy. It takes a lot of energy for me to cry these days. So when I do, just know I'm hurting immensely.

After she's been gone, I've dissociated a lot more. 3 years have already passed and it feels like I just got the news yesterday. Time passes and you don't realize. you're stuck in autopilot and going nowhere.

I miss her and I miss our family. I miss being able to call her the most. She ALWAYS made me laugh even if I'm going through the most horrific things, she was able to keep things light hearted and joyful. If she was still here, I'd appreciate the time more. She never deserved any of the things she went through. And I don't blame her for her addiction. I would have been the same way but my body had other plans.

I understand her. I understand now and I understood her back then. I feel so pathetic sometimes when I talk about my suicidal ideation, because I'm sure she would have traded spots with me any day. To live without a crippling addiction and be around such shitty people.

Even in my darkest hours, even with this fucked up soul crushing sickness, I at least had decent people in my life who checked on me regularly. I at least had few but more opportunities to live regularly. She didn't have many options and good friends in her life. And even ONE good friend could have made all the difference. I pity it so much.

The day she passed was a complete accidental overdose, but I do know that she has been passively suicidal in the past. What haunts me so much is that it never was intentional. She just wanted a quick fix to numb some pain real quick. She would still try. She had boyfriends, would get jobs here and there, work on projects in her room. She had things to live for just like anyone else.

I wish her death was intentional. I wish she wanted to go that day. It wouldn't haunt me as much as it does if I knew she decided that day was the one.

[h4vemercy]

Chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, this illness has robbed me of my life source.

My life is on a permanent pause. Everyday is groundedhog day. Years are going by and I'm still stuck in the same place. Time is quite literally in a time loop. Nothing changes. Nothing actually ever gets better. I'm a ghost in my own life.

I stopped reading texts, I stopped doing phone calls, I stopped looking for jobs, I have no energy to apply for disability or go to doctors appointments to build a case. I feel so alone in this invisible battle. I wish I could delete this existing and move on. I want a decent life. This isn't living, this is pure survival in a time loop matrix in hell.

[h4vemercy]

Propaganda I'm not falling for: leftist men

Ladies, either side isn't safe.

They'll tell you they're a socialist and then contribute nothing to shared household chores and wont keep a job 😭😵‍💫

Equity where? Equity who?

[h4vemercy]

I feel like such a loser and failure everyday. As a daughter, a friend and sister. I feel like I've died and been living as a ghost. All my dreams and aspirations are just gone. I gave them all up to be around someone who never wanted the same things. I had so much potential and strength. I've waved my white flag. I've given up on myself and my life. I don't search for self improvement anymore like I used too. I don't care anymore. This sinking feeling makes me sick every morning. I wake up and hate the life I've created and apart of. I feel like I've failed so many people in my life but mainly myself. I have nothing left of me to be proud of anymore. I have nothing left in me that I admire anymore. I look in the mirror and despise myself. I'm so sick.

[h4vemercy]

The jump from 23 years old to 27 with you has hit me like a bag of bricks. Where did the time go and why have I given you so much time of my youth?

I know I'm chronically ill and have issues, but what is your excuses or reasons. you never cared to get diagnosed. You never cared enough about the people around you. Taking care of yourself and being responsible is a MORAL OBLIGATION because it affects everyone in your life.

I am deeply affected. Idk. It's not that I don't love you, but you are a hard person to achieve a life or any goals with. And I can't tell anymore if it's you or me hindering me anymore. The lines are so blurred.

[h4vemercy]

"Unpopular opinion" but when did kink and being queer become synonymous. Just because you're a cis straight male with an age playor some dom/sub kink doss not mean you belong on queer dating sites.

My brother in Christ, there's other apps for that shit.

[h4vemercy]

How do I start making a life I enjoy and love to wake up too everyday? I feel so stuck and hopeless. I wake up instantly upset and depressed. I hate hate hate that this feeling

[h4vemercy]

They want you disabled and dead. Luckily im halfway there.