light of the world, hold me @hachellerris - Tumblr Blog

huariqueje

Forgotten - Hanno Karlhuber

German, b.1946 -

Oil tempera on wood , 70 x 50 cm.

zegalba

Poupée de cire for Numero Magazine (2003) Photography: Liz Collins

champagnemoon

I’m gonna be so sexy in my 30s it’s actually Insane

jinxproof

the last couple of months have been so intense. so much going on and happening and changing and losses and the weight of it all is hitting me so hard this week. feeling overwhelmed and idk how to find acceptance and move through it

#and like…it’s pisces season #the idea that we’re coming into spring soon and closing out this past year is kind of triggering me #also saturn return era

my dearest and most precious little love of my life left this world yesterday 💔

i want to text him and tell him that i miss him sooo badly but i’m scared . i already tried to reach out a week ago and it’s been dead silent and i see him at work all the time and it’s like i don’t even exist

#every day feels heavier #like i become less of a person each day that a deeper grief settles in #it wakes me throughout the night . i hate his absence

each week of january felt like a completely different month i swear to god. when i think back to what was happening a month ago in my life (mostly big emphasis on the relationship) to what has happened in between to now…… i swear it had to have been 4 months. so many changes and shifts and different energies and expressions and sooo many layers and the list goes on and on…. the most energetically insane time period . how the fuck was that a mere 31 days

i’m sooo sad guys. i miss him so much. i go into work and i see him all day long driving by on his PIT and he’s so good at completely avoiding me, it’s like im not there, it’s like i don’t even exist. it’s like he never knew me at all and we didn’t share everything that we did, like it was all a fucking dream i made up. that feeling punches me in the gut every time and is agonizing for me . this hurts so much every time i have to see him and the way his expression is so hard and cold now. the way there used to be a warmth and a light in his eyes for me, a softness. we made eye contact for a couple of seconds and it was so heartbreaking the way that dark, cold and stern expression glared at me….. the shock of it has passed and the delusion of hoping he’d say something to me has passed and now i feel like im just sinking and this huge despairing grief is settled in. this was so sudden. the connection was so profound for us both. we were so close to accomplishing many things.. my days are so quiet now, in the worst ways, so lonely .

#i just feel heavy today #we were just sharing and expressing so much tender loving care just at the start of last week #and by tuesday afternoon something changed #and when we talked about what happened i knew it was coming …#i just can’t fucking make sense of this #i want to erase all the unpleasant things that happened and come back to us #i wish he was here

i don’t want to let him go but this is doing both of us a disservice at this point . and i don’t know how to repair and amend from here. i think this is the end for real guys

#oh yeah it’s def the end #i said something out of frustration in the moment and i can not take it back #so he hates me it’s over over and i’m the bad guy in his life