PAIRING: (mainly) haechan x fem!reader, best friend! sung hanbin x reader
GENRE: major angst, eventual fluff, classmates to lovers, super slowburn.
WARNINGS: contains heavy and triggering topics. self-reflection, grief and unhealthy representations of mourning, character death (hanbin), reader goes through grieving process, self-harming behavior and drug abuse. A few sentences in the beginning about weight insecurity, fat-shaming, and weight loss. If any of these topics are triggering for you, please proceed with caution, or skip the fic. You are responsible for what you choose to read. Because this fic has pretty dark and serious topics, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. Due to the nature of the fic, it will take a while to get into the Haechan x reader part, so if you’re looking for something lighter, this might not be the fic for you hehehe
SYNOPSIS: you had never been good at dealing with loss. with the passing of your best friend still a fresh wound in your heart, you find yourself alone in the dark, left to pick up the pieces of your grief.
then one day, against all odds, you find something that might just be your compass, in the shape of a boy named lee haechan, who swears he will stand by your side to navigate the storm.
And though the pain in your chest makes you struggle to breathe, he chooses to stand with you under the rubble of your broken world, and he shoulders some of the weight.
NOTES: a good friend of mine passed away very recently and I needed to write something to get it off my chest. Maybe this will help me process my grief, or maybe it won’t. But i found the process of this very therapeutic. I sobbed a lot while writing this, just because the main character is a reflection of how I’m feeling currently. It’s mainly a self-indulgent piece. I’ve experienced so much loss in the past few years, and this is a cathartic piece for me.
THEY SAY HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, and you suppose they are right.
For your home had been left a heaping swelter of smoke and ash, doors torn from hinges and paint scraped from walls. There were no remnants of the solace you once held in your sacred home, now reduced to gunpowder and gasoline, and all that is left is a house that isn’t quite a home, leaving you feeling a stranger in your own house—an alien in your own body—and you can’t help but curse the very person who created that quote because how dare they make you feel so powerless, knowing that you had lost the very one who held your heart, and now you will never get it back.
The irony of the quote is not lost on you. The positive implications; that a home has no bounds, that four plaster walls and a shingled roof don’t fit the criteria. That instead, a home is made of flesh and blood and sweat and tears.
You found your home when you were six. You found him in Mrs. Park’s kindergarten class in the shape of a round boy named Sung Hanbin, with grubby glue stained fingers and paper cuts from the broken origami butterfly he had made you. Your home had a gummy smile and eyes that reminded you of summer days in Busan, and a heart so big, it made your home feel like a castle of gold and ivory. He invited you in and you made it your own, and the origami butterfly was the first decoration you placed on the shelves of your newfound house.
You protected your home when you were ten, earning a month of detention when you used a pair of your mother’s favorite kitchen scissors to cut off Sophie Jung’s long ponytail on the playground after she made him cry by calling him a ‘chubby potato,’ (and at the smile he gave you as you wiped away his tears, you realized you’d gratefully take a year of detention if it meant he’d smile at you like that again).
You’re fourteen when Park Jeongmin spreads rumors about you to your whole grade because you rejected him, and when the whispers start to crawl up your back and dig holes in your mind, Sung Hanbin is there to walk with you and defend your name. He pulled you into his warm, enveloping arms and told you not to listen to the whispers, and yet he was the one who seemed to be stewing in anger. It was the first time you had seen Hanbin angry, and it was the only time he had ever gotten in trouble at school (and after punching Park Jeongmin straight in the nose and getting cleaning duty for the whole spring semester, he told you that he’d do it again if you asked him to).
You both were eighteen when he grew into his body and his beauty finally became noticed by more than just you. You protected him when he overworked himself over and over and over again, when he would run until his knees buckled and his chest collapsed, chasing an unattainable goal built on a road of the insecurities you tried to convince him were his own perfection. You held him when he refused to eat and sat with him when he cried, and you tried to hug his demons away even when they told him he wasn’t trying hard enough. You whispered in his ear that he was worth every bit of love you held and more, that every inch of your home was worthy of being lived in and loved, that it doesn’t matter what shade the walls are or how expensive it was, he was your home and you would never change a thing about it. And that no matter how many people looked at him now that he was conventionally attractive, you had always seen him as beautiful.
It’s New Year’s Eve of last year, and you both are twenty-two and more than a little drunk when you share a kiss. Had you both been more sober, it probably wouldn’t have happened. After all, at a Christmas party a few days earlier you’re sure you saw him ogling the boy from your poli-sci class, Zhang Hao—who had been taking up more and more of Hanbin’s time these days—but yet here he was, the boy who was nothing less than perfect in your eyes, pulling you by your flushed cheeks as the timer ticked down to one, and when the world erupted in cheers as the new year emerged, your ears fell into a calm hush, because Sung Hanbin’s gleaming eyes had fluttered shut and his lips finally met yours.
It was the one and only kiss you guys shared, and yet, despite the alcohol in your system, it was committed to your eternal memory, a vivid painting you had framed and hung in your home.
As the night came and went and the morning took its place, he woke you up how he usually did after a night of drinking; with a cup of coffee, a few ibuprofen, and a plate full of food, and no matter how much you wanted to say something about what happened the night before, you didn’t. And he didn’t either.
Maybe you both were pretending it didn’t happen. Or maybe he didn’t think it was important enough to bring up. Hell, maybe he didn’t even remember it. All you knew was that you were too chicken shit to open a can of worms that shouldn’t even be opened, because you thought it was better to keep your mouth shut if it meant keeping him.
Minutes turned to hours and hours turned to nights. Your calls going unanswered and rain checks from him created a monster inside you named jealousy. He was slipping through your fingers, opening the doors of your house to someone new. You hated the person it made you; hated the person you became. You locked the doors and chained him up. You protected his gold-filled heart because it was worth more than money, worth more than jewels, worth more than anything because he was your home and you couldn’t bear to open the doors to someone he might just like living there more.
Maybe it’s the vile, bitter taste of regret that runs through your veins right now, thinking that maybe if you had told him earlier about how you felt, it wouldn’t have come out sideways. Maybe if you had been less pathetic and scared to let him know, he wouldn’t have walked out the door last night. He wouldn’t have gotten in his car and left. Maybe he’d be in your arms right now, and you’d be joking about how silly Ricky’s hair looked or bickering over what to make for dinner tonight. Maybe if you had said something earlier, an unresolved argument wouldn’t be the last conversation you’d ever have.
They say home is where the heart is, and you suppose they are right. For your heart is ripped out of your chest, artery from artery and vein from vein, placed in the cold, unmoving hands of the boy who you would have died for, and now you’re left with the words you wish you had said, because you could have protected him and you didn’t.
This is your fault. You made him leave.
There’s no recovering from this. There’s no feeling better, because your home currently lies in a coffin, cold and breathtakingly beautiful as ever, and you see yourself lying right beside him because he had taken the part of you that was worth living for. The truth was impossible to reckon with, a bitter pill that you would never, ever be able to swallow down.
Sung Hanbin had died, and he took the world and everything good in it with him.
i’m in such disbelief right now and beyond disgusted.
i really hope y’all are choosing your morals over kpop; because we do not know these men at all. i will never side with or defend a predator and a criminal, even with little to no proof. even if there is the smallest chance he may be innocent, i will always believe the victim first.
some of you, as fans of the boys for years and him in general, i know you must be feeling disappointed and betrayed. you’re not dumb for previously supporting him, as we couldn’t have possibly known. but now is the time for a reality check and it’s time to wake up and take a step back. this just goes to show that we know absolutely nothing about them.
for sm to just outright put out a statement on their own before any rumors even surfaced and immediately kick him out? this has to be insanely serious and i’m terrified of what he could’ve done. the crazy thing is with everything currently happening in korea with the telegram situation, and korean women constantly being in danger in general because of the men there, i’m not at all surprised that celebrities are being exposed. sm has protected criminals before, and held onto lucas when his scandal came out as well as other artists who have been exposed for similar crimes. i can’t even imagine the severity of the current situation. we’ve seen what happened with the burning sun, and these men are not immune to being misogynistic, vile human beings.
members have already unfollowed him and deleted posts with him in them; his best friend of 17yrs has unfollowed him. the company taking the initiative and him getting kicked out of the group in less than a second before anything even came out, no denying the claims or even trying to defend him. that should be enough to tell you and understand how serious this actually is. i am beyond disgusted with him and this whole situation.
i sincerely hope the victim is doing okay and praying for them to heal and get the justice they deserve. and remember that your love for these celebrities should always be conditional, because we do not know them. it’s their job to put on a show and show you their public persona, but behind closed doors? we don’t know what they’re actually like. we put them on a pedestal and yet we don’t know what they’re really capable of. they are still men after all. i hope the police are taking this seriously. there needs to be consequences and these women need to be protected.
let this be a lesson to all of us. they don’t know us, and we don’t know them, not really, not at all.
ALWAYS choose morals over these strangers you idolize. and as women, we should be standing with the victims.
maybe not all men, but enough of them. and maybe not all men, but somehow always a man. and going forward, i will continue to support nct as a whole with the remaining members. however, keeping the situation in mind, i will be supporting from afar for a little while. if the situation escalates and other members are investigated and new information comes to light about the rest of them either knowing or possibly being involved, it would be best to step away for good. i will do my best to stay updated. but i do hope the rest of the members are doing okay, and hopefully no other members were involved; but this, just shows that they can always surprise us. you never think it’ll be your fave, until it is.
let’s hope this causes a domino effect and more of these people are exposed and charged for the crimes they’re committing.
sending love to anyone who has ever experienced sexual violence or has been targeted and been in a similar situation. it is not your fault and it never was!
love you all and my dms are always open if you need to vent. <3
❗️EDIT: also i wanna add that we need to not praise the rest of the members or any other celebrity for simply unfollowing him on social media. that is the least of anyone’s worries.
we don’t know if they were aware, we don’t know if they knew and were protecting him or turning a blind eye. it could be them trying to save themselves and clear their guilty conscience. maybe they didn’t know and are just as shocked as we are, we don’t know that either.
we blindly trust these people and believe they have good intentions but look at where that can lead to. fans being upset is valid, yes; but remember people with money and power will do whatever it takes to sweep things under the rug and make it go away in order to save face and keep their image and reputation.
「synopsis」 : it's been a few weeks since you managed to escape from the murder house, but it's not quite over yet. your brother's trial was right around the corner and everything is brought back to the table. after he's found guilty and sent to prison you are determined to find out some answers, though you aren't sure if you'll like what he has to say....
「warnings」 : MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!!, cussing, petnames (my love, love...), kissing, court trial, sister complex, familial issues, mentions of abuse (mental & physical), obsessive behavior, threats, mentions of death, gaslighting, lmk if I missed anything!
It had been raining all morning long, the rain softly falling onto the ground, decorating the windows with small spatters. Leaving the air with that fresh rain smell. It was something that you normally loved, but now? Now, all the rain did was remind you of those you have lost. Reminding you of all of the pain and suffering that they had to endure. Reminding you that your brother indeed killed them and that this wasn’t some sick nightmare. Reminding you that this is very real and this is now your reality.
Yet you couldn’t help but stand by the window in your now bare apartment, watching as the rain poured heavily outside. Soaking anything it could touch. The sound of the raindrops hitting your window and roof was almost hypnotizing.
The once steaming mug of coffee in your hand was now room temperature, as it had been long since forgotten. Your eyes fixed on nothing in particular besides the falling water droplets, watching as they crashed onto the surface of the window pane.
You weren’t sure how long you had been staring out the window, maybe five minutes, an hour, a few hours. Your sense of time had vanished, far too lost in your own mind to really know nor care. At least not right now.
“Hey, do you have everything together?” Jay’s sudden voice in the quiet space nearly caused your heart to lurch into your throat, the coffee mug almost slipping from your fingers as you looked over at him with wide eyes. Your heart races underneath your rib cage, almost loud enough to deafen you for a few moments. Noticing your distress, Jay stops in his tracks, an apologetic look painting his features, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s fine.” You whispered softly, setting down the cold coffee on one of the few tables that didn’t have anything sitting on top of its surface. Your eyes then travel around the empty living room, looking at all of your boxed-up belongings, the furniture holding these boxes. It felt… strange.
You had so many plans for this place, all the game nights you and the boys would do or the parties you would throw for one of their birthdays. All of those plans were left to dogs now. The only thing this place harbors now is guilt and longing.
Guilty that you couldn’t save them. Guilty that you didn’t catch onto your brother or Jake’s strange behavior before it got too late. Guilty that you got to live while they were buried six feet in the ground.
“Hey, I see that look,” Jay’s voice pulled you out of your head once more, causing you to look up at him as he walked over, “stop blaming yourself, y/n; none of this is your fault.” His voice was soft, his hand moving to cup your cheeks softly.
“But-”
He didn’t even let you get another word out as he pressed his lips against yours, silencing any other protest that was to fall from them. His fingertips press against your jaw to angle your head a little bit better.
After a few moments, he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours, “There is no ‘buts’ y/n. None of this is your fault, and I know the guys would agree with me.”
Curing your lips inward, you nod softly, prompting Jay to move back to grab your abandoned coffee cup. Your eyes glance around the room once again, a pain twisting in your heart.
“This feels so… wrong.” Your voice was low, not really speaking to anyone in particular, more so just voicing your thoughts. Jay dumps the coffee out in the sink before raising it out and setting it to the side.
Walking back into the living room, he finds you looking at a photograph, your eyes glassy as if you were about to cry. Walking over, he wraps his arm around your smaller frame, looking down at the photo as well.
It was one from when all of you went camping a while back, sitting around the fire. You had managed to ask another camper if they would be kind enough to snap a few photos for you, and the nice lady was more than happy to oblige.
Your thumb brushes over your brother, who is sitting on the far side next to Sunoo, a huge smile adorning his features. It left you wondering where things had gone wrong or if it was just an act from the beginning.
“Riki’s trial is in three days,” You let out a breath you hadn’t even realized that you had been holding, “this will be the first time I’ve seen him since the house…” Tears involuntarily filled your eyes, and your heart felt as if it was ripping more and more as thoughts of seeing your baby brother up on that stand.
“I’ll be right there with you every step of the way, my love.” Jay pressed a kiss to the side of your head, his hand rubbing up and down your arm soothingly.
Licking your lips, you inhaled deeply before setting the picture back into the box you had pulled it out of. Closing it once more, you then swallowed thickly, turning towards Jay, who was still looking at you.
“How’s Jungwon?” You asked, resulting in Jay letting out a soft sigh, running his fingers through his hair.
“He’s still not awake, but he’s healing great, so the doctors think he’ll wake up soon,” Jay explained, a hopeful gleam in his eyes.
Jungwon had fallen into a coma shortly after getting to the hospital. The doctors had told the two of you that they should be happy that it was just a coma because, after all of the trauma that his body and mind had endured, they were surprised that he even survived the surgery.
You release your hair from the claw clip that was holding it up, running your fingers through the locks before clipping it up once more. Looking over at the window you saw that the rain had stopped, the sun peeking through the clouds.
“When is the moving truck supposed to be here?” You asked, looking back over at Jay, who had just pulled his phone out of his pocket.
“They said within the next few minutes, let’s start moving the smaller stuff down.” He relayed the information that he had been given before pocketing his phone to look up at you.
You nodded your head before grabbing a box and following Jay down to the bottom floor of the apartment complex.
~
After all of the boxes were piled into the moving truck, you moved away, allowing Jay to pull the shutter door close. You turn back to the building once more, looking up only to catch a glimpse of Heeseung’s apartment window.
Tears pooled along your waterline as you saw the small stickers that were still on the window pane. The very stickers that you had put on there yourself as a joke because you said his living room needed more color.
You had fully expected him to go and scrape them off the moment that you had left the apartment, but they were there the next time you came over and the next, and the next, until you realized that he had no plans of removing them.
Jay thanked the truck drivers and promised to meet them at the new apartment before turning to tell you that everything was ready to go. However, he stopped short when he noticed the tears that slowly rolling down your cheeks.
Walking over with quick steps, he wraps his arms around your body, pulling you into his chest as sobs tore through your throat. Jay bit his tongue as he listened to your cries, knowing that your tears were soaking his shirt. He wanted nothing more than to help make you feel better, but he knew that it wasn’t going to be easy.
It was never going to be easy. You both had witnessed your friends dying in front of you in the most traumatic way possible. That doesn't just go away, not that was something that is bound to haunt your sleepless nights for years to come. No amount of therapy was going to make that better, maybe help manage it, but that doesn't make it easy.
It wouldn't bring your friends back.
“I miss them so much, Jay.” You cried out as your fingers balled the fabric of his shirt into the palm of your hands.
Jay’s arms tighten around your body as he inhales deeply, trying his best to keep his own tears at bay. Then, leaning down to press his lips against the crown of your head, his eyes closed.
“I know. I miss them too.” He whispered against your hair, his eyebrows furrowed as the faces of your lost friends flashed across his mind.
After a few long moments, your tears finally ran dry once more, leaving your eyes stinging and cheeks flushed red. Pulling away from Jay’s body, you reached up to wipe the leftover tears that stuck to your cheeks and eyelashes.
Letting out a shaky breath, you looked up at Jay, who was looking at you with such a soft and pitiful look that it only made the urge to cry again ten times stronger. However, you refused to cry anymore, so swallowing down the tears, you opened your mouth, your bottom lip trembling as you spoke.
“I just wanna know why, Jay.” You spoke slowly, scared that if you spoke any louder that the tears would start running again. “I need to know why so they can rest peacefully. I need to know the reason he did it.”
Jay nodded his head, agreeing with you as he trailed his hands from your arms to your hands, intertwining his fingers with yours. Bringing your hand up to his lips he pressed a gentle kiss to the back of your knuckles.
“We’ll get our answers soon; we just have to wait a little bit longer.” He promised, thumb rubbing over your knuckles as he dropped your interlocked hands to his side. It was then that he started to feel the first few drops of rain on his face. Looking up, he saw that the sky had grown cloudy once more, meaning that it was going to start storming again. “Let’s get out of here before it starts pouring.”
He tugged on your hand, pulling you towards his car and opening the door for you. Climbing inside you snap the seatbelt over your body before watching as Jay rushed around the car to jump into the driver's seat.
The rain started to pour as soon as he shut his door, obscuring your view outside of any window around you.
Jay then started the car before pulling out of the parking lot, making your journey to the new apartment one filled with soft music and loving touches to help keep your mind from wandering too far.
This was your new life. You didn’t like it, but you didn’t have much of a choice. However, you were thankful to have Jay by your side through everything.
When the day for the trial came around your nerves were standing on end. However, you didn’t know the impact that seeing your brother walk into the room in cuffs, a dark and cold look adorning his face, would have on you.
Your mind went reeling when he took the witness stand, and his eyes found yours easily. A small, barely noticeable smirk pulled on the corner of his lips. The small action causes the room to erupt in a flurry of hushed whispers.
Jay squeezed your hand as your leg started to bounce slightly. The feeling of eyes on you only added to your anxiety, knowing that they were talking about you. Whether it was good or bad things, you weren’t sure, nor did you really want to know.
“Silence in the courtroom.” The judge took their spot, and the trial had started.
You intertwined your finger in your lap as you tried your best to watch and listen as they questioned Riki.
His expressions shake you to your core. He looked as if he wanted to be anywhere else but this courtroom. Looked so unbothered with everything and most of all. He looked like a completely different person.
There was no way that the man sitting on the witness stand right now was the very man that you called your brother.
Biting your lip, you continued to watch as they pulled up the evidence and further questioned Riki, but he barely said a word to anyone. His eyes only flickering to them as they asked a question that he deemed stupid, other than that his eyes were on you. Leaving you sitting uncomfortably in your seat, trying everything in your absolute power to not meet his burning gaze.
Then, there was a question asked that made your breath hitch in your throat, and your hands started to shake tremendously.
“Did you or did you not kill Lee Heeseung, Kim Sunoo, Park Sunghoon, and Sim Jaeyun?” She asked as she walked in front of the jury stand, looking over at Riki, who had torn his gaze away from you to look at her with a blank expression.
Riki’s lawyer sat off to the side quietly, believing that he had talked to Riki well enough for him to keep his mouth shut; however, as soon as the boy opened his mouth, he felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach.
“I did.” He shrugged, expression completely unbothered, “and I’d do it again.”
His words result in a few gasps around the room, as well as hushed whispers once more. Your ears start to ring, drawing out the noise around you as your eyes focus on Riki and Riki alone. He tilts his head in mock surprise when he realizes that everyone is looking at him like he is insane.
Riki then looks back over at you, meeting your gaze with a very sinister gleam in his eyes. Then he lets out a smile that matches that same gleam, causing your heart to lurch into your throat. Suddenly, everything in the room started to feel overwhelming, and it felt as if you were going to pass out if you stayed in the room any longer.
So you leave, jumping out of your seat, resulting in a few turned heads as you rush out of the room. Not sparing a glance at anyone as you tear the door open and run out, your heart beating viciously under your ribcage, and heat rushes up your neck, painting your face a deep shade of red.
Jay watches as you rush out of the room, contemplating on going after you. However, he didn’t want to miss Riki’s sentencing for you either. The detective that was sitting in front of you and Jay noticed Jay’s hesitation and turned to look at him.
“Go after her. I’ll come and let the two of you know the sentencing afterward.” He reassured the younger boy, who just looked at him with thankful eyes before standing to his feet.
He moved towards the courtroom doors, but he caught Riki’s gaze moments before reaching for the door handle. The look was one of pure, unfiltered hatred as he glared at the silver-haired male.
A chill ran down Jay’s spine as he turned away and walked out of the room to go and find you. He tried his best to ignore that glare that painted Riki’s features, one that told Jay that if he was given the chance, he would finish what he had started in the house months ago. That gaze, though, was now burned into his brain.
~
It felt like an eternity before the courtroom doors opened, and the detective walked out, looking around the hallway before seeing you and Jay sitting on a bench not too far away. Jay looks up to meet the detective's eyes, his hand still resting on the small of your back. Your head stayed down, face buried in the palm of your hands.
The detective walks over to the two of you, stopping just a few feet away, not wanting to invade any kind of personal space. His hands were stuffed in his pockets as he contemplated how to relay the information he had just gained from the previous room.
He then cleared his throat, causing you to glance up at him with tear streaks running down your flushed cheeks. It was a look that he had seen multiple times before in his life, but he couldn’t help but feel bad for you.
“Your brother pleaded guilty,” He relayed that information, and an audible gasp fell from your lips, fresh tears building in your eyes, “he was sentenced to life with no chance of parole or bail.”
A choked sob broke through your lips, your fingers tightening on Jay’s sweater sleeve as you took in the information that was just given to you. You knew this was coming. Knew that the chances of him getting life in prison were high, but you couldn’t help but still feel guilty.
Maybe if you had paid just a little bit more attention to him and his behaviors then maybe all of this could have been avoided. Maybe if you were able to catch on to the way he and Jake had been acting, then maybe you could have stopped it before it went too far.
You hadn’t even realized that you were picking at the skin around your nails until Jay reached over and grabbed your hand, stopping the assault on your fingers. Looking over at him with teary eyes, he just offered a small, sad smile before looking back at the detective.
Inhaling deeply, you also moved your gaze to look at the detective as well, “When will I be able to see him?”
“They are probably going to have him held until all of the paperwork is done,” He started, and you listened; your bottom lips got trapped between your teeth, “once the paperwork is done, they’ll transfer him to the prison facility, and you should be able to see him shortly after that.”
Nodding softly, you wiped the tears off of your face and sniffed, “Thank you, Detective Choi.”
“No problem, kid,” He then pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the screen before looking back at the two of you once more, “I have to go, but take care of yourselves.” Then, without another word, he walked away, leaving both you and Jay to sit in silence.
Jay squeezed your hand, which was still connected to his, gaining your attention once more. " Did you want to go and visit Jungwon before visiting hours ended?”
Your eyes flickered over to the digital clock that hung on the wall across the hall, seeing that you only had a few hours before they ended. It had been a few weeks since you’d seen the boy. Maybe you were too scared to see his almost lifeless form. Or maybe you were just scared that it would be the last time that you saw him.
“He’s okay, y/n; you don’t have to worry so much.” Jay’s voice was soothing, pulling you out of your head once again.
Swallowing thickly, you nodded your head, wiping more of the tears from your face. There would be a time when you would have to go and see him, and what better time than now?
“Yeah, let’s go see him.” Your voice was shaky and unsure, but you stood to your feet, pulling Jay up with you regardless. Then, the two of you made your way out of the courthouse and back to Jay’s car.
Walking into the hospital to check in you both were left feeling a little uneasy when the nurse smiled a little too brightly when you told her who you were visiting. She had told the two of you that you could just head on up to Jungwon’s room.
“I wonder what all of that was about…” You spoke out loud as you walked next to Jay, your pinky linked to his. Jay hummed softly, telling you that he wasn’t too sure either, before stopping in front of Jungwon’s hospital room door.
Jay tried his best to keep the smile that was threatening to spread on his lips as he released your hand to place it on your back, urging you to open the door. Your eyebrows furrowed as you looked over at him, confused by his actions.
“Why are you acting so weird?” You squinted at him, but your hand wrapped around the door knob nonetheless.
Pushing the door open, you walked into the room, hesitantly scared to see Jungwon lying on that bed, unresponsive. However, walking into the room you were met with a sight that you never prepared yourself for.
Your eyes blew wide open when they landed on Jungwon. There he was, sitting up in the bed, a pudding cup in one hand while a white plastic spoon hung from his lips. The sound of the door opening caught his attention, causing him to look over at you, and as soon as his eyes met yours, a wide smile broke out on his face, his dimples on show.
“Oh, my god.” Tears pooled in your eyes once again, your head swiveling around to look at Jay, who just gave you a smile similar to Jungwon’s. Turning back to Jungwon, your feet move before your mind can register it.
Walking over, you reach out to the boy, who sets his pudding cup down to encase your body in a hug as you practically fall into his arms. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you held his body close to yours, thanking anything and everything that he was okay and that he was awake. Pulling away, you grabbed his face in your hands, squeezing his cheeks slightly as you checked him over for injuries despite being in a coma in the hospital for the last month.
“When?” Your voice cracked as you released his face, looking over your shoulder at Jay, who had just walked into the room. He walked over to join you and Jungwon, sitting in the chair that was next to the bed, his hand resting on your thigh.
“This morning.” Jay chuckled as you looked at him with wide eyes.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“He wanted it to be a surprise for after the trial.” Jungwon cut in, causing your head to snap over in his direction.
You were happy, beyond happy, that he was okay, but you couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that they had kept it from you until now. However, you weren’t going to let it weigh down on you for long. You wanted to spend time with your friend now that you knew for sure that he was okay.
“How much longer are they going to keep you here?” You asked as you made yourself comfortable on the end of Jungwon’s bed, giving him enough space to be comfortable. Fingers playing with the fabric of the blanket that was folded by his feet.
“They said they wanted to keep me for a few more days for observation, seeing that the knife wound is pretty much healed,” Jungwon explained as he grabbed his pudding cup once more, scooping a good amount on his spoon before sticking it in his mouth. “Also, how did the trial go?”
You inhaled sharply at the question, reliving the events and emotions all over again, but you knew that he deserved to know everything just as much as you or Jay. So you shift in your spot a bit before explaining everything that had happened in the courtroom.
Jungwon then sat there in silence for a few moments, taking in all of the information as he ate the pudding slowly. He then looked back at you, tilting his head slightly and pulling the spoon from his mouth.
“Are you going to go see him?” He asked, almost unsure if he wanted to know the answer or not.
Your tongue jutted out to wet your lips before nodding slightly, “Yeah, I… we need the answers.” You explained, causing Jungwon to nod. He knew you were right, that you all had questions that you wanted, no needed answers to.
“Just be careful; he could try playing his mind games again.” He looked at you with a worried gaze, worried that your brother could sway you into believing that what he did was right. You just gave him a small smile and patted his leg that was closest to you, reassuring him that you would be. He swallowed down the last of the pudding before setting the empty cup to the side and letting his hands fall into his lap, “well, now you guys have to catch me up on your lives.”
And that’s how the three of you started to talk about your lives after getting out of that haunting house.
After about two and a half weeks, they finally gave you the clearance to see your brother at the prison he had been transferred to. So now you and Jay sat in his car in the parking lot as you tried to gather all of your bearings to face your brother once more. Jay had his hand on your thigh right above your knee, his thumb rubbing your skin soothingly.
“Don’t stress too much, love; he won’t be able to do anything to you.” Jay’s voice was soft, and you nodded slowly, “Plus, I’ll be right outside, waiting for you. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Thank you, Jay.” You whispered before looking down at the time, seeing that it was almost time to go. So, taking a deep breath, you gather yourself before getting out of the vehicle with Jay and making your way toward the prison doors.
After getting through security, you found yourself sitting in front of the glass divider, waiting for them to bring your brother in. Your leg was bouncing against the palm of your hand, the clapping sound being the only thing heard besides the faint ticking of the clock on the wall behind you.
The loud buzzer nearly made you fall out of your seat, your head snapping up to watch as the door opened. Your ears rang as Riki walked through the doors, his hands cuffed in front of him. His eyes found yours almost far too easy as he took his seat in front of you.
The officer had said a few words, but they weren’t heard over the ringing in your ears. He then walked back out the door he had come in from, leaving both you and Riki to sit in silence.
“I’m not gonna lie, I’m surprised you even came.” His voice held a teasing tone, almost as if he were mocking you, “figured you’d be too scared to see me.” Your eyes snapped up to meet his, your heart dropping as soon as you did.
It was then that you realized that the man sitting in front of you was no longer your brother but rather just someone who had done a horrible thing. A thing that you wanted to get answers to.
“Why did you do it, Riki?” Your voice shook as you shifted in your seat, standing a little bit straighter, deciding that showing any kind of fear would only hinder your ability to get those answers you were seeking.
Riki’s head tilted slightly, a smirk tugging on his lips, “Why wouldn't I do it?”
Irritation started to bubble in your chest, the fear and anxiety you once felt now vanishing.
“Now is not the time to play coy, Riki. Why did you do it?” Your voice came out more stable, causing the male to straighten his head, his eyes narrowed into slits realizing that he no longer had you scared.
“You wanna know why I did it?” His voice turned dark, sending a chill down your spine, “Well, sis… you better listen closely.” There was an underlying tone in his voice that left you feeling uneasy, but you were going to stand strong. “Why don’t we start from the beginning, huh? Remember that promise you made me whenever we finally got out of Mom and Dad’s house?”
You did. You remembered that promise like it was the very day you had made it. That day was rainy. Both of you were soaked head to toe as you sat inside your car in an empty parking lot miles away from your parents' house. The heat was blasting through the vents in the hope of warming you and drying your drenched clothes. It was silent between you, neither of you knowing what to say.
“Are we really safe?” Riki asked, causing you to look over at him, your eyes softening as you took in the fear that was on his face.
You reached over the center console taking his hand into yours, encasing his fingers with your own. A small smile on your lips as you managed to lull him into looking over at you.
“I promise you, bub, that we are safe; we don’t have to worry about them anymore.” You started, your heart racing under your ribcage. “It’s me and you now. It’ll always be me and you.”
At that time, you hadn’t expected him to take that promise so seriously; you had made that promise knowing that the two of you would meet new people and eventually move on with your lives. Had he really thought that the two of you would be together until the end?
You looked up at him, your eyebrows furrowed, showcasing your inner turmoil.
“You broke that promise, y/n.”
“I did no-”
“You did,” He growled harshly, causing you to jump in your seat, “you were going to leave me for one of those douchebags. You were going to abandon me for what? Some stupid fleeting love that’s not gonna last?”
Your eyes went wide as he started to get aggressive, your hands shaking.
“Riki, I wasn’t going to abandon you.” You tried your best to keep your voice steady, “We’re getting older; we’re going to have our own lives. You couldn’t rely on me forever.”
Riki scoffs, anger flashing in his eyes, “So you were abandoning me?” You opened your mouth to protest, but he was quick to cut you off once more, “That’s why I needed to get rid of them all; only then would you realize that I was the only one you needed. The only one worthy enough to spend the rest of our lives together.” Hearing those words fall from his lips that you realize that something was immensely wrong, “I was almost there too, but then you had to go and try to be the hero.” He hissed, eyes boring into you with such a heated gaze that left your skin crawling.
“Riki-”
“No, because I went through all of that trouble just for everything to get fucked up.” His fingers curled into a fist before suddenly, his whole demeanor relaxed. The glare falling away leaving behind a smile that made your stomach turn, bile crept up your throat as the next few words fell from his lips. “But I’ll get to try again in the future, and this time…” He leaned forward until his face was merely inches away from the glass, “I won’t fail.”
You felt extremely lightheaded as you realized the weight of his words. The worst part of it all is you knew he wasn’t just playing a mind game; you knew that he would actually follow through with his word. Inhaling deeply, you reminded yourself that he was going to be locked away for a long, long time, and you would be just fine.
“You’re not getting out any time soon, Riki; what you did was wrong, and I will never forgive you for it.” You spoke lowly, scared that your voice would crack if you talked any higher.
Riki laughed sarcastically, leaning back in his seat once more, “I’ve done a lot of things; wiggling my way out of here won’t be much different.” His voice was cold, and he sounded so sure of himself that you had almost believed it, save for the fact that he had just outed himself.
“Times up Nishimura!” The officer exclaimed as he opened the door, the buzzer making you jump slightly.
Riki fought against his hold as he pulled him from the chair. " Let go of me!” he shouted, yanking his arm out of their hold. His eyes found yours once more. " Don’t worry, sis. I’ll be back for you, and then we can truly be happy together, just like you promised.”
Then, with that, they pulled him out of the room, and you were left in silence, only your thoughts keeping you company. You didn’t want to think about his words too much, knowing that he had a track record for playing mind games.
Another buzzer was heard, pulling you out of your own mind. An officer stood in the doorway not too far from you.
“It’s time to go, miss.” He spoke respectfully as he waited for you to gather your baring before standing on shaky legs.
You thanked him before walking out of the room and making your way towards the entrance, where you found Jay sitting, playing some game on his phone while he waited. Hearing the sound of your footsteps, he looked up, offering you a small smile, but it quickly vanished as he took in the troubled look on your face.
“Hey, is everything okay?” He asked, standing to his feet and reaching out to grab your arm.
Looking up at him, you swallowed thickly and ran your fingers through your hair. " Um, can we just go? I’ll explain everything when we get home.”
Confused, he just nodded before leading the both of you out of the facility and back to his car. He had tried to ask you anything to get you to talk, even if it was about something dumb, but you didn’t utter a single word on the way home, your mind far too occupied.
You couldn’t help but wonder how true your brother's words were. Would he really be able to get out of there and go after you and your friends once more? Or was it just some hoax to get you all worked up and scared? It was a question that only time could tell, even if you truly hoped that it was all just words and that he was all bark and no bite. However, you couldn’t shake the bad feeling that filled your gut.
Months later, everything seemed to be going better. You and Jay were happy, and Jungwon was fully recovered and could get back to his daily life. The only difference was that the three of you made it a weekly thing to visit your friends' graves.
So that’s where the three of you were now, stepping out of Jay’s car to take in the breezy spring winds. You close your eyes and just let it wash over you, leaving a sense of serenity to fill your mind.
“Don’t forget the flowers in the back, Won.” Jay reminded the younger boy as he exited the vehicle, pocketing the keys before walking over to you just as you opened your eyes.
“Got 'em.” Jungwon held the small bouquet of flowers in his arms until you walked over and took a few from him, and he thanked you.
“Come on, it’s supposed to rain here soon.” You told the two boys before turning and making your way towards your friends’ graves.
The three of you chatted peacefully on the way there. However, noticing someone standing at the graves caused you to stop in your tracks. They were wearing all black, and their hood was pulled over their heads, so you couldn’t see any other features.
“Do you know who that is?” You asked Jay as all three of you watched the person walk away, their hands stuffed in their jacket pockets.
“Maybe a family member?” Jungwon asked, although his expression showed that he didn’t fully believe his words himself.
Trying to shake it off, you just moved towards the graves once more, the two boys following behind you. You spent a few good minutes making sure that all of the headstones were clean and pretty as you sat the flowers down. However, during all of this, and even as the three of you were leaving, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were being watched. You had even thought you saw that same person out of the corner of your eyes, but when you went to look, you didn’t see anyone there.
‘I’m just paranoid, there’s no one here.’
And that’s what you continued to tell yourself despite the churning gut feeling that something just wasn’t right. You knew that your brother was locked away, and you could finally live your life in peace once more.
You were safe.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Right?
@alvojake | Do not steal, plagiarise, translate, or repost any of my work
The Lemkin Institute for Genocide has released a statement saying that Israel is committing genocide in Gaza and the United States is complicit. The statement was released in the aftermath of the horrific attack on a refugee camp in Rafah
In April, Lemkin also issued a genocide alert for the West Bank
Hello, I want you to help me. My family is in danger. I saw you helping people.
Please I don't know anyone who can publish for us and share our story I saw you by chance Please share my story on your profile and tell people about it Family consists of 7 members and we are now in Gaza we can't get out Please help us post our link gofund.me/7489c83c
Thank you so much for reaching out.
To everyone else, another legit GoFundMe to support!
Ahmad's family is raising funds to leave Gaza and they have not raised nearly enough funds to leave. This family urgently needs help. Please donate and share!
(ID in Alt)
The Turk family is stuck in Gaza under threat of bombardment as well as sickness and famine. Their lives and their home was stripped away from them by the occupation. Any help you can give would go a long way.
Hello everyone ,
My name is Mohammed Skaik, and I live in Berlin, Germany. I… Mohamed Skaik needs your support for Help rebuild Ahmed's fam
You can check in with Ahmad on his tumbler @ahmadturk00 and twitter @/ahmadturk_
Aseel Al Turk also frequently posts updates on the situation on her twitter @/aseelalturkk .
Below is a video of Aseel describing the Turk family's situation as well:
Yo I accidentally clicked on Ni-ki but it won’t let me redo it so imma just re-read what you have and try to manifest it (even tho lowkey that’d be kinda fucked up for your own brother to be behind alla dat but let’s say that’s a hella fire plot twist)
That being said, I’m a sucker for mysteries so the story will eat with any direction it goes lolol
PAIRING: (mainly) haechan x fem!reader, best friend! sung hanbin x reader
GENRE: major angst, eventual fluff, classmates to lovers, super slowburn.
PUBLISH DATE: to be determined.
WORD COUNT: to be determined.
WARNINGS: contains heavy and triggering topics. self-reflection, grief and unhealthy representations of mourning, character death (hanbin), reader goes through grieving process, self-harming behavior and drug abuse. A few sentences in the beginning about weight insecurity, fat-shaming, and weight loss. If any of these topics are triggering for you, please proceed with caution, or skip the fic. You are responsible for what you choose to read. Because this fic has pretty dark and serious topics, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. Due to the nature of the fic, it will take a while to get into the Haechan x reader part, so if you’re looking for something lighter, this might not be the fic for you hehehe
SYNOPSIS: you had never been good at dealing with loss. with the passing of your best friend still a fresh wound in your heart, you find yourself alone in the dark, left to pick up the pieces of your grief.
then one day, against all odds, you find something that might just be your compass, in the shape of a boy named lee haechan, who swears he will stand by your side to navigate the storm.
And though the pain in your chest makes you struggle to breathe, he chooses to stand with you under the rubble of your broken world, and he shoulders some of the weight.
NOTES: a good friend of mine passed away very recently and I needed to write something to get it off my chest. Maybe this will help me process my grief, or maybe it won’t. But i found the process of this very therapeutic. I sobbed a lot while writing this, just because the main character is a reflection of how I’m feeling currently. It’s mainly a self-indulgent piece. I’ve experienced so much loss in the past few years, and this is a cathartic piece for me.
(Side note) I’m actually kinda nervous to post this since it’s literally my first fic on tumblr but I hope it goes well!
THEY SAY HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, and you suppose they are right.
For your home had been left a heaping swelter of smoke and ash, doors torn from hinges and paint scraped from walls. There were no remnants of the solace you once held in your sacred home, now reduced to gunpowder and gasoline, and all that is left is a house that isn’t quite a home, leaving you feeling a stranger in your own house—an alien in your own body—and you can’t help but curse the very person who created that quote because how dare they make you feel so powerless, knowing that you had lost the very one who held your heart, and now you will never get it back.
The irony of the quote is not lost on you. The positive implications; that a home has no bounds, that four plaster walls and a shingled roof don’t fit the criteria. That instead, a home is made of flesh and blood and sweat and tears.
You found your home when you were six. You found him in Mrs. Park’s kindergarten class in the shape of a round boy named Sung Hanbin, with grubby glue stained fingers and paper cuts from the broken origami butterfly he had made you. Your home had a gummy smile and eyes that reminded you of summer days in Busan, and a heart so big, it made your home feel like a castle of gold and ivory. He invited you in and you made it your own, and the origami butterfly was the first decoration you placed on the shelves of your newfound house.
You protected your home when you were ten, earning a month of detention when you used a pair of your mother’s favorite kitchen scissors to cut off Sophie Jung’s long ponytail on the playground after she made him cry by calling him a ‘chubby potato,’ (and at the smile he gave you as you wiped away his tears, you realized you’d gratefully take a year of detention if it meant he’d smile at you like that again).
You’re fourteen when Park Jeongmin spreads rumors about you to your whole grade because you rejected him, and when the whispers start to crawl up your back and dig holes in your mind, Sung Hanbin is there to walk with you and defend your name. He pulled you into his warm, enveloping arms and told you not to listen to the whispers, and yet he was the one who seemed to be stewing in anger. It was the first time you had seen Hanbin angry, and it was the only time he had ever gotten in trouble at school (and after punching Park Jeongmin straight in the nose and getting cleaning duty for the whole spring semester, he told you that he’d do it again if you asked him to).
You both were eighteen when he grew into his body and his beauty finally became noticed by more than just you. You protected him when he overworked himself over and over and over again, when he would run until his knees buckled and his chest collapsed, chasing an unattainable goal built on a road of the insecurities you tried to convince him were his own perfection. You held him when he refused to eat and sat with him when he cried, and you tried to hug his demons away even when they told him he wasn’t trying hard enough. You whispered in his ear that he was worth every bit of love you held and more, that every inch of your home was worthy of being lived in and loved, that it doesn’t matter what shade the walls are or how expensive it was, he was your home and you would never change a thing about it. And that no matter how many people looked at him now that he was conventionally attractive, you had always seen him as beautiful.
It’s New Year’s Eve of last year, and you both are twenty-two and more than a little drunk when you share a kiss. Had you both been more sober, it probably wouldn’t have happened. After all, at a Christmas party a few days earlier you’re sure you saw him ogling the boy from your poli-sci class, Zhang Hao—who had been taking up more and more of Hanbin’s time these days—but yet here he was, the boy who was nothing less than perfect in your eyes, pulling you by your flushed cheeks as the timer ticked down to one, and when the world erupted in cheers as the new year emerged, your ears fell into a calm hush, because Sung Hanbin’s gleaming eyes had fluttered shut and his lips finally met yours.
It was the one and only kiss you guys shared, and yet, despite the alcohol in your system, it was committed to your eternal memory, a vivid painting you had framed and hung in your home.
As the night came and went and the morning took its place, he woke you up how he usually did after a night of drinking; with a cup of coffee, a few ibuprofen, and a plate full of food, and no matter how much you wanted to say something about what happened the night before, you didn’t. And he didn’t either.
Maybe you both were pretending it didn’t happen. Or maybe he didn’t think it was important enough to bring up. Hell, maybe he didn’t even remember it. All you knew was that you were too chicken shit to open a can of worms that shouldn’t even be opened, because you thought it was better to keep your mouth shut if it meant keeping him.
Minutes turned to hours and hours turned to nights. Your calls going unanswered and rain checks from him created a monster inside you named jealousy. He was slipping through your fingers, opening the doors of your house to someone new. You hated the person it made you; hated the person you became. You locked the doors and chained him up. You protected his gold-filled heart because it was worth more than money, worth more than jewels, worth more than anything because he was your home and you couldn’t bear to open the doors to someone he might just like living there more.
Maybe it’s the vile, bitter taste of regret that runs through your veins right now, thinking that maybe if you had told him earlier about how you felt, it wouldn’t have come out sideways. Maybe if you had been less pathetic and scared to let him know, he wouldn’t have walked out the door last night. He wouldn’t have gotten in his car and left. Maybe he’d be in your arms right now, and you’d be joking about how silly Ricky’s hair looked or bickering over what to make for dinner tonight. Maybe if you had said something earlier, an unresolved argument wouldn’t be the last conversation you’d ever have.
They say home is where the heart is, and you suppose they are right. For your heart is ripped out of your chest, artery from artery and vein from vein, placed in the cold, unmoving hands of the boy who you would have died for, and now you’re left with the words you wish you had said, because you could have protected him and you didn’t.
This is your fault. You made him leave.
There’s no recovering from this. There’s no feeling better, because your home currently lies in a coffin, cold and breathtakingly beautiful as ever, and you see yourself lying right beside him because he had taken the part of you that was worth living for. The truth was impossible to reckon with, a bitter pill that you would never, ever be able to swallow down.
Sung Hanbin had died, and he took the world and everything good in it with him.
Since finals are almost over, I’ll have much more time to finish this piece!! It’ll come soon, I just have to study for 3 more finals and a research essay and then I’m home free 🥹
I have no idea how other people can be packed to the brim with stuff to do, and still have an amazing upload schedule… they must have superpowers lol
Absolute unintelligible thought, but I’m just thinking about how we as humans have built a society by completely bulldozing the world that existed before us. We built skyscrapers so high and bridges so wide, and polluted the air with modern machinery for “ease of access,” and all with no thought about how we completely destroyed the homes of nature. No thought to how we have decimated lives and turned them into products. A fox is labeled vermin for foraging for food, a bear is labeled a danger for protecting their cubs, a rhino is labeled a commodity for its horn. We have taken away the individuality from nature and placed monetary value on their being. We have taken and taken and taken from the Earth, until the Earth had nothing left to give.
