#haikuswithdani

and other poetry

[haikuswithdani]

you.

i wish i had known that i was falling in love. i didn't mean to.

and yet, is regret an appropriate response when now i know you?

i am better for meeting you, expanding my heart and horizons.

my life is richer from spending time and sharing space with you and yours.

whatever may come, your friendship is meaningful and i am grateful.

[haikuswithdani]

wounds.

whenever i bleed from the wounds you inflicted, you condemn the stains:

“too public! unfair — stains only tell one side of a complex story.”

but if you want stains to not be visible, then maybe stow your knife.

wounds carved in secret don’t just disappear, and i won’t bleed quietly.

[haikuswithdani]

window.

how amazing to enjoy such wondrous beauty from my own window.

[haikuswithdani]

we.

i am Me, and you are You — and, when together then we can be We.

[haikuswithdani]

war.

my body and brain wage war against me, silent yet still deafening.

my skin crawls with fear, but no amount of scratching scrapes trauma away.

i wish i could scream. i wish i could forget, but… wishes are useless.

[haikuswithdani]

unseen.

i no longer take many photos of myself. you're not there to look.

[haikuswithdani]

trust.

you’ve not given me a reason to mistrust you and yet i struggle.

the devil i know is far more familiar than what you offer me.

you show me kindness but abuse is my normal and normal feels safe.

you’re so confident in your desire…i’m afraid there must be a catch.

yet you’re consistent and patient and caring…could you really want me?

i can’t say i’m sure. i can’t promise anything but i do know this:

you make me feel safe and calm my anxieties… i can breathe with you.

you’ve stoked my desire and seem to delight in me. and so, here i am.

i’m still afraid, still cautious and hesitant…but i’ll give us a chance.

[haikuswithdani]

too much.

i cannot tell you just how many times i have almost said something.

i open my mouth only to scold myself for feeling anything.

i can't help but chide "you're far too needy" as i inwardly collapse.

but better for me to quietly hemorrhage than show desperation.

i always regret opening up to others, if i even can.

i will say too much, show more than i intended. i'll push you away.

i am an old soul and said to intimidate. i am far too much.

better to suffer than burden any of you. your comfort matters.

plus, if i don't share the deepest parts of me, your rejection hurts less.

my whole existence drains energy and patience from all around me.

everybody hurts. what right have i to share my own suffering?

better to pretend everything's fine than dare to be inconvenient.

i know i'm selfish. i know i'm a problem. there is no changing that.

i know what you'll say. "you're not a burden! i care!" okay. that may be.

nevertheless, fear and rage and hopelessness drown out any kind words.

better to shut everyone out than let you witness my darkness.

[haikuswithdani]

together.

i’ve never dated a woman before you. so how lucky am i?

you make me happy. you create warmth and safety wherever you are.

our schedules are so unobliging. but that makes days with you sweeter.

our time together is so deliberate and focused on support.

i look forward to every minute we can be together at last.

we may not have much, but all i really want, we have built already.

i can’t wait to see where life takes us, so long as we walk the same path.

together or not, your presence and friendship make my life happier.

i treasure the trust you’ve given me. i’ll never take it for granted.

i can only hope that i’m able to give you enough light and love.

you deserve all the compassion, care, and support that i can offer.

[haikuswithdani]

they.

when They resurface, i know i am the bad guy to all in Their world.

i can't refute it, can't even defend myself. i am what They say.

i'm an open book, but nevertheless They claim that i am too loud.

so, let me be clear. i know that you're reading this. i'm talking to you.

i'm quieter than you should expect me to be — just leave me alone.

[haikuswithdani]

such.

recently, i've known such happiness and longing — sometimes both at once.

[haikuswithdani]

"stuff."

you say it’s just stuff. just stuff, the things i cling to, that bring me comfort.

the table that welcomed me and my guests home, stationed nearby the front door

the bookcase that i helped assemble the day that i began my meds

the shelves that carried bits of me — mugs, books, lotions warm extravagance

the ottoman full of soft, warm blankets to wrap the ones whom i loved

my big reading chair coffee table, art room, and office tucked away

the nest i built to house my body and nourish my sad, weary soul

it was full of “stuff” curated over time to help me feel at ease

and so much is lost with each relocation that it just breaks my heart.

years of hard work, lost in traumatic upheavals i belong nowhere

i have no more nest just fragmented pieces of what exists no more

remnants of a life i fought tooth & nail to have but now i lack strength

you scoff at my need dismiss my mourning because it’s “not important”

i was a person before i met you, with a life that informs ours.

why can’t you see that my heartbreak is valid and i need you to care?

[haikuswithdani]

stronger.

one thing i'm learning: i am far stronger than i ever imagined.

[haikuswithdani]

strings.

you dangle love from strings attached to religion, not attached to me.

[haikuswithdani]

strangled.

i am exhausted by the enormity of endless strangling grief.

[haikuswithdani]

splinter.

i may be pretty, seem wholesome and charming. but i am not simple.

i house hurricanes of cacophonous feelings behind this rib cage.

take me as i am, or please leave me where i be. just choose carefully.

you may have all, or, if my muchness is daunting, you may have nothing.

before you pick me as a potential lover, please make sure you know:

i am all passion — love and desire, bound up with suff'ring and sorrow.

i overflow with both grief and merriment — they are inseparable.

i contain many. i am large in body and — even more so — heart.

i am all of me, and i refuse to splinter for your convenience.

[haikuswithdani]

sometimes.

when relationships break apart, i think it must be normal to blame.

we want some answers, to be assured that there has been a betrayal.

i wish that, instead, we could recognize: sometimes, things just don't work out.