[wovi]

[weltenwellen]

Danez Smith, Don't Call Us Dead

[haildusk]

God, I worry too much. But as long as you are not tired yet talking, and would like to listen to me.. it helps.

— Hanif Abdurraqib, On Seatbelts & Sunsets

[soracities]

Abdulla Pashew, from "Union" (trans. Hemn Bakr & Alana Marie Levinson-LaBrosse), pub. Words Without Borders [ID'd]

[haildusk]

have you ever admitting something beautiful, something hurts and painful but you still decided to continue (same thing as ‘that toxic relationship with your exes’ 😜) that you wish everyone would feel it too (because of it’s prettiness) but ended up not recommend them—afraid it will hurt them too? so you let yourself breaking and suffering alone.

that was when i read A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara.

..things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life arranges itself to compensate for your loss.. sometimes wonderfully. 🖤

[haildusk]

what advice would you give someone who is struggling to create meaning in their life outside of a relationship?

figure out what you're looking for outside of yourself that you've not found within. are you looking for a relationship because you genuinely want one—or because you don't love yourself, and you think that if you meet someone who loves you, it will validate your self-worth?

sometimes people do get into a relationship to validate what they think they lack. a lot of it is self-interrogation. on the other hand, being contentedly single is a huge blessing; but you want to be sure that you're not making decisions out of apathy, or comfort, or fear.

we can be so cynical about love that sometimes i wonder whether we end up shooting ourselves in the foot. this idea of—i am using air quotes—'I am a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man—can also be dangerous, because being strong doesn't mean that you don't need people. we are not born to be alone—we need community, however, we choose to find it with a partner, friends, or family.

i think there's a danger of pulling away from love in order to own your feminism, when actually you learn to understand yourself in relation to people around you. you can find independence through connection too.

— Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn

[haildusk]

a setback, but back on track.

i barely read books lately.. i didn’t even finish a single book these past 2 years (since i got married) which was a setback.

but when i rewind moments, experiences, and things i have achieved besides neglecting books on my shelves, i realized that i have done many amazing things—most of them were new adventures, and some of them were surprisingly fun that i’d never thought i’d experience.

thanks to marriage life, and my man who let me experience them 🤍

i cook more and try new recipes, thanks to the internet. i didn’t buy a recipe book, but made one instead (my very own & personal version of recipe book). consists of recipes that my husband and i like very much, written in the Harry Potter letter journal book, which was a special gift from him.

another amazing experience was, who would have thought that i would travel miles by riding Vespa (with my husband ofc), 10 hours straight from the city, with tea plantation and ocean view road? a very fun and tiring experience.. but super worth it. once is not enough, we will definitely be back again.

also, i’ve got to pet a superrrr cute ginger cat. one of the things i am vert grateful of; the presence of jeki. his age is as the same as my marriage age. love him so much.

and many more amazing moments with him, made my life more beautiful and amazing to be lived. i am beyond grateful.

back to the first paragraph, long time no reading, i went to the bookstore—unplanned, looking for books with light topics (because i didn’t want to think harder while reading since my absence for two years, I must be having trouble at digesting the books' content haha), and Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn stole my heart, just at the first glance.

it caught my eye simply because of its cover’s color, a medium orange-colored book with blue text. didn’t take any longer time, i took it to the cashier and opened the package. i could smell the fresh paper fragrance if you could imagine.. 

but took me three months later to read the book lol. well, at least, buying the books three months ago was a fresh and good start. it felt like i owed to finish what I had started, owed to read the book i had bought. when i passed by my shelf and the book was still there, untouchable and neglected, it felt like the book pushed me and waved its hands to me, like “please read me."

well, i was just starting to read again today. this book is definitely the right and best pick when i am about to get back on my track. i even haven’t read a quarter chapter of it, but look at the post it..

a must-read for you.. me either. can’t wait to finish it because i want to buy and read another newer one :) so many books on my wishlist!

*praying for my consistency*

[haildusk]

from everyone is home, to nobody is home.

[haildusk]

it was always good times with my father.

each good time creates the best moment, good lessons, and a very great treasure that will always be remembered in life.

even until today, at my not—so young age. the sincerity of love he ever gave me the day i was born, kids, teenage, young adult, my marriage, even until today i am not home with him is always stick—not stuck, every second in mind. how huge his impact towards my life..

a love & lesson i’ll always treasure everytime during my living in this life.. and the world should know that he is irreplaceable.

he doesn’t have to know this without somebody telling him or he coincidentally reading this. this writing is one of my forms of love. but i’ll show & prove that i do. how i embrace every little great time i used to spend with him..

in the silence. in the pure of prayer and good wishes. in an unplanned pray, between some activities i do during my work and coincidentally reminds me of him because it’s relate. the moment he accidentally crossed my mind for no reason and i cried simply because i remembered the great moments with him.

in the sleepless night, the time i missed him so much but not be able to say, afraid if it was going to be cringe.

i don’t know anymore what to write, but this feeling that i feel like i am not enough and love him enough burdened me.

but father, my good wishes & love for you is never ending. i know.. just like how you do to me. thank you.. 🤍

[haildusk]

a spider web

and it’s me in the middle..

[haildusk]

somewhere between the sand and the stardust, through every collapse and creation, there is a pulse that echoes of you and i.

[haildusk]

who are you? 

forgive me, i’m hopeless with faces,

but you sing with the voice like i know you, and suddenly i start to see..

so perfect, and complex.

-

who are you?

cause just with a smile, i’m around you,

and i try my best like i know you,

who are you? who are you to me?

[haildusk]

love makes you do insane things—often beautiful things. things that might not seem reasonable to anyone else.

but we can not explain too.

it robs us our logic in order to cash a blank cerebral check of optimism.

[haildusk]

canggu, 7am

[haildusk]

i swear that i love you even when i hate myself, even when the world is louder than my own breathing, even when the sky forgets how to hold up, i will remember how to hold you

—

and that in holding you, i will remember how the legs of my fears stand up and i will stand up everytime i want to curl up.

—

because love is not about avoiding the fear, it’s about seeing the fear and saying;

what i have

is more precious

than anything you could hold over me.

—  (inkskinned)

[haildusk]

[haildusk]

a quarter of century,

a half of century,

a century,

centuries,

centuriesss,

∞