Hallowelloween

Born at young age, has slept at least once, lives under sky, breathes fire, eats foods

[hallowelloween]

You never know how many fire hydrants are in the world until you start driving and can’t park there

[hallowelloween]

During COVID, my five friends and I began having a weekly FaceTime calls. As soon as I entered the call my one friend was wrapped in, and boasted of the softest blanket ever. I just said: “jealousy,” to which my cozy friend replied: “jealousy is a sin.” The quietest person in our group looked up and said: “you know what else is a sin? Stealing each other’s blankets!”

[hallowelloween]

Just watched a kid eat a bite of plain butter. Children terrify me to my clattering bones

[hallowelloween]

My most vivid memory from working in the fast food industry was when a creepy man came in. He greeted me with a quick: “hello, how are you?” To which I replied: “I’m good thanks, how about yourself?” Completely disregarding my attempt of pretending to care about his well being, he said: “you look good too. Too skinny though, go eat a sandwich.” I blinked and asked what food I could get /him/ that day. He returned shortly after, and my coworker for my schedule as I wasn’t working that day. She remembered the creep and said if he didn’t leave she would rip out his esophagus and feed it to his children who were probably my age

[hallowelloween]

My best friends account got hacked, and the hacker had the utter AUDACITY to message me, trying to hack me as well. So naturally I decided to profess my “love” to my “friend’s” account and then the hacker then decided to block me. You know you’re clingy when a literal scammer doesn’t want to talk to you

[hallowelloween]

I started a new job because my last one made me believe that all managers were bullying their employees. On my second day of work my new manager proved me wrong by saying: “my one piece of feedback for you is that you walk slightly too fast which can make the guests assume you’re panicked.” He continued in the same breath: “also that’s my brioche. If you eat it I WILL murder you” so that’s working in a fine dining restaurant for you

[hallowelloween]

Again and again he treats you like he doesn’t care, and every time you continue to believe he does. It’s time to move on, you’ll be okay *pats*

[hallowelloween]

I’m sorry but I just can’t with middle schoolers. They’re my number one fear because they’re filled to the brim with hormones, anger, and ax body spray

[hallowelloween]

Brother: *playfully throws harmless shit at me*

Me: that, sir, is a hate crime

[hallowelloween]

If you ever hear anyone say something bigoted you should turn and say “you’re so far behind you think you’re first” and watch their pride crumble

[hallowelloween]

Hi! You’re beautiful! Don’t forget it, and don’t ever let anyone else! :D

[hallowelloween]

Petition to change: “I’ll love you to the moon and back,” to: “I’ll love you to the sun.” Because what’s more romantic than leaping headfirst into an unsurvivable ball of fire for another?

[hallowelloween]

With my lack of experience in the kitchen, I had always hoped that I would eventually marry someone who can prepare a decent meal. Unfortunately, this assumption has lead me to be staring confusedly at the toast that is somehow burnt again, with my boyfriend at my side, proudly taking a frozen pizza from the oven to find it burned to a crisp.

[hallowelloween]

Me: I hate cliches

Author: *reunites two characters after long hardship and suffering they should not have done apart*

Me: IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL 😭💛🌈

[hallowelloween]

Maybe she wishes on eyelashes, and 11:11 because no one else cares enough about her greatest whims..