hambul

[hambul]

liar liar two

okay will i made some more of my fancy foreign skull shavings and hyena fat or whatever

make your wish happy births day

i wish for no more murders anymore

let’s be realistic here will

i wish for just one day you couldn’t tell a lie

that mystical wind chime noise just now was a little concerning

hello ma’am can i help you

                        AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH OH GOD

you don’t gotta be like that you can just say no

someone       bring me             website

we don’t have any freddy i mean usually we would come to you if we needed website

                                  boop

stop it     so what do you guys think      i read about fire makeover in magazine

uh she looks beautiful right hambul

no she looks like somebody scraped her off of an old barbeque

but like in a good way right

                                           boooop

oh god    okay calm down it’s just plussing it’s not like it’s dividing or timesing

well i just ended up telling the teacher that i don’t have to do any math because i have pigs to raise

hambul where do i get pigs

don’t copy me

whatever hey hambul what’s our post therapy snack today

human foot meat

what i meant was

human... foot meat

hey there little guy what’s wrong

horses are too beautiful for farms and pollution and littering and terrorism

nice doggy will i hope you didn’t steal it from anyone especially any friends

i’m not supposed to talk to you without my puppy lawyer

have you guys accepted kali as your personal savior and/or destroyer

do you have like a pamphlet

what do you want to do next now that we finally solved my glacier issues

i want to smell you again

hambul you’ve been saying such weird stuff for the last twenty three hours and fifty nine minutes what’s wrong with you

will...it’s just that I really love

[distant windchime]

cuisine.

well duh haha i was worried you might be the murderer like you kept saying over and over today

[hambul]

lachrymal game acquisition in swine

they said my exhibit was trite and to use cruelty free faces next time

will you’re just starting out you’re not going to be beverly cats level right away

i know i have to keep telling myself that

so how’s your book going

it’s been called the best antler-related dad murder memoir of our times

  wow really who said that

pick up an us weekly every once in a while will

                 how dreadfully bourgeois

                hey margot want to play martini crying

can’t you see i’m busy being a cowboy

                                         oh sorry

 here i was thinking we would show this pig one of our favorite games during its critical development period but i’ll leave you to your spittoons

have you ever noticed these things on the ends of our arms      what, hands?

                  well i mean yeah hands are rad

this is embarrassing but i totally mixed up what lesbian meant i was thinking of librarian

it’s cool lots of words confuse me so you wanna do sex then

                          are you a book or maybe a dewey decimal system

                        ya

is it hard when two psychologists have sex because it’s like ‘oh and how does that make you feel’

for your information hambul and i only do antler stuff

             i’m saving myself for marriage

and then i press the button and the pigs eat her

you know you can just kind of stab her right

does he just not even care about freezer burn

          i’m getting one of those vacuum sealers for christmas

i’ve never seen this many french toast sticks before in my life what are you 6

                    shut up

             I LIKE THEM

[hambul]

signs of progress

try moving when you’re put on a tree

what you failed to account for is that i am a major supporter of deforestation all i have to do is pull a few strings

is it sexier if i hide my chin

listen i’m gonna need you to walk through the opening instead of bumping into the fence over and over i have places to go

oh sorry it’s just that i’m on these pig farm pills and it lowers my spacial awareness

uh you should have better feelings i guess i don’t know what to tell you

                                    why can we kill pigs but not brothers

these are the kinds of questions we have to ask ourselves

well if you go around covered in doe in heat urine are you really surprised when you get mauled that’s all i’m saying

will we’ve been through a lot be straight with me

are you a werewolf

what a dumb question jack

i wouldn’t know if i was now would i

Hey there, buddy. Have you been reading that book I gave you?

yes and it really disturbed me i feel like you’re just trying to get me to stop sewing people into horse stomachs

Well, I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t one of my goals.

it’s even more pointless than i imagined

shelly are you ready for to camping

                                  [ the faint aroma of rubber cement]

                what     you’re not s’mores

we have a room that just has every different kind of skeleton in it

go ahead name an animal we have its skeleton

yeah but if they did make a movie about me what would they even call it

                                           an american werewolf in america?

yay the therapy is working you’re killing people

do you want to see the suit i made from tiger dinosaur bones

things just went from cool to lame really fast

i’m a lesbian so i don’t want to do any sex with men okay

what about with werewolves

ha yeah but no i’m just telling you so that you know that i definitely only like girls

i notice you didn’t answer my question

if i killed a guy and ripped his face off and put it on some museum bones is that weird

as far as i know that’s completely normal

              oh thank god

[hambul]

are you going to keep going all the way for season 3? I need these more than life. I love your blog and what you do <3 <3 <3

yes but i am busy now so it is hard to write down what everyone says on nbc the hambul so i’m sorry for all the people with no tvs who are wondering what happens to jack and the rest of the gang

[hambul]

one time thing

                              they say it still lurks in these waters

             and its anguished cry can only escape through this hole

but has man no name for it      

                         aye the beast is called shitlips the fuckfish

      absorb the life force of the fish with philosophy inside it william

                   and jack yours just has gym class in it

    take a horse picture it will last horse longer

i bet there will be a person in that horse

there is not going to be a person inside i mean what even

yeah we’ll see buddy

okay the one fucking time

i live at a pigs factory

is there pills for that

you hear it even now don’t you the screaming of the pigs

no i just hear window noises

are we not going to talk about how you turned into a deer monster when we were doing naked

so what i’m hearing from you is no more sexy antler stuff

                                                 whoa  no one said that

  wow ever hear of brushing your teeth lady

i’m sure she did but can you explain what it is so we can laugh at her more

              someone go to how to survive birds dot com

Gentlemen, welcome. I’m afraid this evening finds me somewhat out of sorts.

                       are you the horse man

I...tend to the horses, yes. As well as the other animals. If I wished to bore you I could spend hours describing the dietary considerations of these creatures...but I’m sure you gentlemen have your business as I have mine.

So what can I help you with?

someone put a lady in a horse and then a bird in the lady

and a worm inside the bird and dirt inside the worm

yeah what he said

What?...

(Oh, dear. I must have confused them for the police officers that were scheduled to visit. They must be the participants of that special program...)

How would you boys like some candy? Then I can help with your ‘investigation.’

now we’re talkin

and it took way too long to get the candy it’s like have you ever even done police stuff before

what a weirdo

Jesus! What in God’s name have you done?

um well you didn’t seem to get what happened before so we reenacted it it’s an advanced police technique

well steve i guess you were right people being in horses was just a one time thing oh wait

[hambul]

never stop you are amazing, these are the funniest things. you give me life

it’s not supposed to be funny it’s actually what happened on the tv  show called nbc the hannibal but thanks i’m glad i gave you your life

[hambul]

the sad impossibility of canada

yeah well it turns out they weren’t ninjas they were a special police that could break doors but it was an honest mistake

do you have any holes i could live in i’m kind of into living in holes lately

                                    i bet we could dig one

oh gosh no don’t dig one just on my account any naturally occurring pit or chasm would really be fine

                         you’re just being polite we will get shovels

           why won’t anyone tell me what an extreme make over is

even if they let will out of jail i still keep the puppies right i mean i won them in a legally binding raffle in that van

  why would i ever know that

                                alright buddy you did enough jail

where is my sorry you were wrongfully imprisoned cake

i brought you out of this jail and i can put you back into it boy

i keep thinking that that’s a ping pong table and getting disappointed

pet the puppies while you still can you fool this is going all the way to the supreme court

i just remembered that will was actually crazy even besides the whole abigail thing though

where do crazy people live jack

                                                   crazy jail?

            and where does will graham live

           ah i get it, he lives in a house now so it’s cool

no i meant like what is his personal home address

where is the button to fold the hand back and reveal the machine gun

miss lass -- welcome, i just received your text

i can’t even tell you how excited i am to learn about bees

just so many questions like what are their weaknesses what are their hobbies

                                  hambul stop eating my hair

you will never guess who was just here and what part of my body he was chewing on

         uhhh you seem really busy right now so i will tell you later

this drawing is gross

only killers have gross drawings

will  come with me to canada where we can be free from jails

hey so definitely no to that but why are you all bloody and here

i need a minute to regroup i had a lot of different plans but you didn’t say no in any of them

  PROTECT THE HIVE      HONEY IS OUR PRODUCT    WE CAN FLY AROUND

                                   it ends now you pollinating bastard

                                oh god jack what have i done

i wouldn’t worry about it we’re kind of lax on shooting people around here

                    HE WASN’T PEOPLE HE WAS BEES

[hambul]

What website will it be on

i thought this was website

[hambul]

Can you write some more of these? They're my absolute favorite lol

hi yes i will make the summary of what happens on the show for all of you that dont have a tv so it will be on the website after now

[hambul]

heart meat metaphor

oh hey jack

can you tell principal chilton to pack up some of these jail light bulbs for my house i feel like i’m in an adventure cave

                                     what’s for dinner babe

at this point i could just tell you it’s a human heart and you wouldn’t figure it out

that’s so deep it’s like we have to kill to live so every time we eat it’s like we’re eating a piece of our own hearts

i killed  pretty much everyone who died here in the last five years

i think we all feel that way sometimes it’s like what could we have done differently

                                           wow

one eight hundred flowers we bring the flowers to your abdomen or other preferred location

this is how i want to be buried       not me i want to freeze my body for the future

[side one, track one

you are a strong and capable principal who doesn’t need all his organs to be a valuable member of jail]

i mean i just think it brings the whole place together

work is so lame they’re always like oh there’s all the murders stop them help somebody please do psychology to me

                 wait were all those murders real

 is this a bad time

uh did you ever hear of knocking i was doing my private antler times

hey there principal chilton have any good organs recently oh wait nope

i’m not afraid of you i’ve been listening to my tapes

                                             let us begin party

how do i win these hermit crabs

those are for the smartest detective award

you go ahead and take em home champ

okay good news mister ripper your procedure was a complete success

psych i just took off your legs lol it’s me hambul

and then it hit me, why don’t i combine my two greatest loves, cooking and ceramics

damn and we just threw your arm away too

did anyone feed my neopets while i was gone

[hambul]

beverly’s big break

hey how do they make hard air for windows

they make sand really hot                    enough of your lies

and then will acts like it’s just sooo weird that one guy might smell another guy

i used to smell wife

stay where you are robot building i’m watching you

my one weakness going anywhere an anonymous tip tells me to go

                                holy mother of blogs

              jack thank god you’re here i called as soon as I felt like it

beverly made this cool statue but i don’t get it

btw since you have been in jail we made a new zero tolerance policy for eating ears

achoo

okay now let’s get down to business

i think it represents like how we’re always different people sometimes

no will think harder this essay is worth ten percents of your grade

also you just gave me an idea

okay is it about how we are all filled with gross meat

no

[ four hours later ]

okay it’s like when you eat ice cream too fast and then your head has burning

                                                                no

i tried to call and her voice mail says ‘you’ve reached beverly cats famous meat  artist leave a message if you are also famous’

 as if she’s doing anything the cirque de la meat movement didn’t already do in the sixties

when you gotta rip you gotta rip you know what i’m sayin man

us rippers gotta stick together

beverly’s work, drawn in broad painterly slabs of gross meat, is clearly influenced by her close and talented friend freddy lounds

pictured: former associate will graham modeling beverly’s new mobile sneeze guard invention

doesn’t anybody just draw flowers anymore

bet you wouldn’t think the janitors at crazy jail would be crazy too well guess what

hmm could you do me a solid

                              i’m a half deer half man this is my design

no that’s beverly’s design from her antler period

♪i’m just a swimmy boy, swimmin around

killin the people like a big swimmy boy♪

this pool is a no swimming zone bam bam bam

♪ swermin arnd like a brg  swrmy... ♪

[hambul]

a prophecy fulfilled and there’s bees

these fish dreams bring strange tidings

there will come a time when you will need to get all stabbed up

prithee william, canst thou meet this task?

i keep catching turtles by mistake

[chortling] turtles indeed william

what do you think it means

are turtles the red water spiders you boil

and they scream like EEEEEE

i would prefer less bees inside me but i mean i’m not gonna make like a whole big thing about it

the turtle represents me and how you want to catch me with your rod maybe?

sorry what i was thinking about dogs being soft

jack called me his ‘girl husband’ again

all of my cheech and chong movie viewings have led to this moment

                        hey give me some of that

this hi c tastes like smoke

 jack honey could you pass me all of my morphine and a big syringe

this guy is still dead from before

put the paddles on him like on er and breath in his mouth

what do you think the first thing we tried was idiot

will this be over in time for matlock

yes it will all be over soon and you can bee at peace

why did you kind of elongate the e in be

oh no reason

sir do you need help i promise not to whippersnap

well let me ask you this when you go to acupuncture is that normally a liquify your eyes with a hammer kind of deal

zoom in on all the gross parts of him

wow it’s even grosser when you make it big

oh hey guys i was just working on how to murder with bees better

hey watch it this is your first warning don’t confess to murders or we’ll put you into really small jails

no matter how hard i try it never feels as good as when I killed thomas j

dying is actually pretty chill

uh maybe you didn’t get the memo but no one dies in this town without becoming a grotesque objet d’art first

i’m sure hambul won’t mind if i just borrow some of his meats

huh this kidney has a person’s name on the bag

oh i get it he uses the latest local murder victim to date all his meats that’s so hambul

well well what have we here a meat dungeon perhaps

why are there so many fucking turtles in here

[hambul]

on the importance of a well-rested case

i am a busy lady i don’t have time to go around to all kind of jails so did you do your police paper works or not

i did the change of address if that’s what you mean

no you have to do the permission to jail one it’s way overdue

chug chug chug

the governor will call to not do the electricity to me

uh good luck

i am the governor

ten alive people minus ten murders equals what

zero alive people

yes good job i rest my case

now i’ll show you this powerpoint and then rest my case again

♪ you my brown eyed girl ♪

mr. crawford what is your relationship with the accused, one william “tha rippa ” graham

i do not recall

did you or did you not testify to the grand jury that you two used to do quote “a bunch of scooby doo type stuff”

what i do on my own personal police time is my own business

 i forgot my judge hammer

analysis indicates this ear is severely chafed

for all we know the chafing could have been performed postmortem

do you swear to tell the truth even though so far in your life you have not done that

yes, also i am madonna fyi

mrs. madonna, wow what an honor first off i love like a prayer are you working on anything lately

my new book my dad the kill man that i wrote by myself hits shelves this july

sounds amazing, okay i rest some more cases

we ordered some more ears from online to compare them to the one we found

i thought you said it was to sew them all to your head so you could have really good hearing and write symphonies

ears can have many purposes

this could have been me thank god i stopped using combs

i have personally identified more different people as the check speed ripper than the entire police combined

and in my expert opinion will is the latest person to definitely be him

being a lawyer is so hard how am i supposed to remember all these laws there’s like a hundred

do you swear to say whatever serves your own interests since you’re really a scary deer man

[ sizzling ] yes

will does the murders and i recently learned he even has the power to murder after he goes to jail and make it look like i did it

and think of the children that are involved in some way sad right

those poor children GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY

are you ok

we’re checking in with stores that sell big justice scales and chains

we have it narrowed down to 500 potential suspects that bought them in the last two days

you know what they say

judge not lest ye be judged

wait a second are you saying another judge killed him

sure why not                                    oh my god

[hambul]

big trouble in little jail

today on how it’s made we’ll take you inside those metal buildings on farms

they are all filled with dead people this is the cost of your precious corn

hey there you hidin i got happy feet on dvd

you did scary sewing to me

babe where you goin

it’s got deleted scenes

i know you’re really into this whole sitting in a metal cage thing now but enough is enough

it‘s locked this is jail

                                           why is jail small

so i’ve been asking myself why would he kill them and i have a theory

                                           he does not like these people

 wow beverly that might just be it               yeah and so not racist unlike will

spread the word there’s a new name in town for knowing about crimes

listen missy we get paid by the hour i can’t have you solving cases so fast

 are you done zzz that’s me sleeping i have sleep apnea

               all of this for corn i am so ashamed

best evidence we’ve got is an overdue redbox rental for happy feet in this guy’s name

i have a feeling we won’t be finding it

by the way are you guys going to that penguin movie marathon party at hambul’s house tonight

note to self think of leg meat puns for party later

the dancing penguins were simply sublime

aw come on they were at least lime if not more than lime

okay will one more chance, do you see anything in that picture

this guy in the middle doesn’t really fit

what do you mean doesn’t fit                   yes will enlighten us

uh i mean, well he’s a different...shade

                          are you serious right now

wait don’t leave i’m having a vision of the murderer

fine go ahead what does he look like

                           ͡(҉(̴ a̛l҉ĺ .̢..̨ c̢oRn?́ .͟..̕ ͝ as̸hame̵d͠))̨

well his skin is kind of ...

I can’t get a good look at him

[hambul]

missed connections

hambul i’m just gonna say it your flavors are whack

remember even though im throwing a knife at you i’m not a murderer okay

                                                           ok

                                          yeah bitch how do you like glass neck

more fishing line equals more fish to eat

it’s basic fish math

mr. william if you don’t cooperate we will stop letting you leave jail to go fishing

yes sir  i’ll be good sir

okay so i have been burned on this before a little bit by getting my organs cut out but i think you might be the chetspique ripper

   our readings indicate you are only doing police at fifty percent

 wow i would have thought at least seventy     i’ll turn up the police amount

well at least you finally caught that guy who was going around killing all the everyone

              um so about that

and i’m sad about my friend who is the killer not me and just have human emotions all the time

aw that must be so hard

so how’s jail are you gonna start lifting weights

they don’t even have dogs here

                                            open wide here comes the dna train

hey watch this who am i

    blah blah blah this is my design

                                               ugh yeah fashion designers are the worst

                                           i am in a sea of dog joys

 winning that puppy party raffle was the best thing i’ve ever done

don’t take this the wrong way but what if you wore less make up

                                                      i’m not wearing any this is my natural look

                                             why can’t everything just be beyonce

 i feel like there are many different places on the pole you could have put your hand that aren’t directly on top of my hand

craigslist dot com slash missed connections i was a guy with a hand on the subway you were playing hard to get but i could tell you liked heroin and being a dead body with glue on it

jack are you okay you look a little sad

yeah i’m just upset because i had a fight with hambul and he stabbed me and stuff

was it something you said

well it all started when I said why can’t we ever just eat pizza when i come over

hambal stabbed jack and i’m starting to reevaluate whether that’s like one hundred percent normal or not

if you go looking for organs in his fridge could you just write that down or tell literally anyone that isn’t accused of murder that that’s where you’re going

all this crazy jail is going to your head you’re not thinking straight

do you notice anything about these people here’s a hint they are all murdered

i have a theory but keep in mind i am not saying this in a racist way at all

here kitty kitty

beverly told me what you said about the dead people

[sighs]

my alarm keeps not going off i’m going to be late for riding the train all day to meet cool artist guys

got me looking so crazy right now got me so crazy in love WHOA

[hambul]

final form

what

dream deer is evolving 

                               no          b button b button

   [ the wet slap of ear on aluminum ]

abigail can you hear me this is your friend will

here you go i know when i throw up body parts i like a nice blanket

if i throw up the rest can we put her back together

oh hey guys apparently i killed and ate abigail but thems the breaks

 how could i have been so blind i blame myself

            my ear taste bad you wouldn’t like them 

 okay everybody get in the van for a puppy party yay

okay will you’re strong you’re fierce you’re the ripper and you love it

this isn’t working do you want to try the cowboy suit again

what does this prove

nothing this stuff is just amazing on salads

all i’m saying is he never ate anybodys ears before he started hanging out with you

i shouldn’t have showed him all those mike tyson tapes

okay here we go bloom nothing sad about cars you can do it

oh my god the wheels and the [moaning]

   who will i smell and lie to now

are you evidence

it’s a simple question bitch

who are you where’s my friend mulder that comes over and tells me his problems

abigail residence abigail speaking

put your dad on the phone i want to shoot him

**memories**

i’ve got it all figured out you’re the czech speak ripper

i know you are but what am i

are we doing a reenactment okay i’ll do the gun part

now you’ll go to the cemetery underground and your daughter will temporarily be alive lol reenactments are fun

is this still part of the thing

he’s being abigail now since we didnt have a girl

where is will, my sexy and smart boyfriend

[hambul]

requiem for a comb

are you done with your little killing people phase

time moves slower in here so i can train to defeat majin buu

i think this is different from that

hey do you still have my skin from before  

william taste this meat water

                                            mommy is that you

combs not even once

                                                why this fires man

why wont anyone listen to me fire won’t kill her you have to destroy the brain

   how many ladies have to die before we confront our comb epidemic

okay abigail rate how chafed these girls are one to ten ten is the most chafed

i cant see them move the table to in front of me

                   you said you’d protect me from burninggg

            actually i didn’t say that

 oh you said it i remember because right after that i got stabbed by deer

  like this and then i was like what if i tried combs just this once i’ve had a hard day and then well obviously the fire

          any of this ringing a bell at all

okay i take it back combs are the bomb   yeah come on bro try it or youre

                                                                  chicken and not cool

that’s premium dank comb, so                               what do i do eat it   

 if this is about hannibal he definitely doesn’t kill and eat people ever

                                  ding dong ditch i got you

 okay maybe he does a little bit and puts all the bodies in his secret basement but that’s all i can tell you

                      man i am so combed i have no idea what you’re saying

it’d have to be someone really smart and a doctor and someone who knows all the secret police facts and lives in this area

                            yes who could it be i’m stumped

how’d you like that little taste     are you addicted yet or do i say the chicken

                                                   thing again

ugh i have such a comb over

sometimes you just have to get away somewhere nice like a murder cabin

                                             or like six flags

               what am i made of money

   just stay here for a sec

                                  okay

did you see a young girl sitting here bout 5′ 5″ chafed as can be

       are you like super attached to your ears or kind of take it or leave it

just think about it get back to me