who wants to watch me die @hammerunlimited - Tumblr Blog

11/23

We got into a fight tonight over ordering dinner.

I wanted to treat us to takeout because I haven't been able to cook or clean much being on 2nd shift. Also, I had landed an interview for a new job that I'm excited for, I wanted to celebrate a little. I asked last night what she wanted to order, but she suggested we wait a day.

Tonight I suggested pizza, hoagies, or burgers, but I got from her reactions that nothing was quite right. Eventually, when asked if anything was popping, she said "nothing you would like" so i told her to order what she wants, I don't mind.

That put too much pressure on the situation, it seems. She got quiet, like I had done something wrong. I walked away to do another load of dishes. I came back to our room to let her know our cats second water fountain had seemingly burnt out its motor, and asked her again to let me know what she wanted for dinner.

Eventually she went downstairs and made herself something to eat, I do not know what.

In hindsight, I see the signs that I should have dropped the subject. In the moment, I was hungry and frustrated with my partner making things more complicated.

When discussing this later, she said she didn't want any of the things I had suggested, and didn't want the stress of picking dinner after needing to do so while I've been on second shift. Since I have been working a different schedule, she has needed to manage meals on her own. I pointed out that I was not aware of this current stress, but would have, and did, validate it.

I've been burnt out on cooking, I've listened to my partner suggest things I don't want. I don't think she's wrong for needing a break from these things. It wasn't ok to expect me to pick up on this, especially in the middle of a conversation about dinner.

I am sorry, that I haven't been able to cook more. I haven't been doing the dishes as often as I could. I mentioned that to her this morning, before doing a load.

I feel guilty for saying this, but I think for my own sake I need to say this. She's on her period.

This is not the first time this year, that a fight has broken out on the third week of the month. I don't often keep a journal. I find myself journaling in periods of high stress, like now. I often journal after a fight. I date them. Back in July, I noticed how many times I've needed to journal around the 21st of the month.

I feel exhausted right now

I feel confused

I feel used

I've been told I need to be putting more effort into the emotional connection in our relationship but I do not believe that's what is happening.

Lauren suggested a list of things for Crystal and I to try in the short term to help the emotional connection, most importantly sitting down after the session and taking turns apologizing. I'm not going to say I did every single thing lauren has done, but I've done my best to put in the effort here.

My partner has brought the subject up, after attempting to undress in the living room.

That was the only steps I've seen my partner take. I started the apologies that lauren suggested and I was ignored.

I am not responsible for the things my partner feels. I'm responsible for the things I have said and done.

This weekend I crossed a line by trying to discuss the topic of my libido after having two glasses of wine.

my behavior after two glasses of wine was enough to make my partner uncomfortable, I need to not drink anymore. At least for the next few months. That's doable, and fair.

I do not believe it was wrong of me to broach those subjects, regardless of how much I had been drinking.

There are things that need to be discussed, but I am sorry that I tried to do that when I had consumed alcohol.

I have never been opposed to talking to a therapist, I've been resisting to do so to help Crystal's trauma. I don't believe individual therapy for me will help her overcome her trauma, help her stop projecting her guilt onto others, or convince her to respect the consent of others.

I think individual therapy will help me reinforce boundaries,

I anticipate that the next criticism of me will be that the CBD vapes I use for my joint pain will be the source of our problems. I'm cutting them out.

Once Crystal figures that out, I anticipate the source of our problems will be laid upon my 40mg prescription of Paxil.

After that I anticipate the source of our problems will be laid upon how I needed to distance myself from Sara.

After that I anticipate the source of our problems will be laid upon my actions at MAGfest.

After that I anticipate the source of our problems will be laid upon my lack of empathy and desire to have prevented her childhood traumas.

When a therapist tells you to go no contact with someone or a group of people, common sense dictates not spending 6 months, or 1500$ on a vacation with them.

charl0ttan

has anybody ever foud out what sex is for

softgothsunflower

guilt

#been a rough couple months

I feel taken for granted, because clearly you still expect sexuality at some point in this relationship, without talking about the situation first. I can recall several times when you wanted to have sex with me, I cannot recall the last time you asked me in any way. I have tried to make it easy for you, I've suggested non-verbal ways to initiate intimacy in the past. Acts that would have gotten me into the mood, and shown me that you cared about my consent. We've talked with a therapist and come up with verbal code phrases.

I feel taken for granted in this situation, and I don't get it. I believe I have told you many things over the years that would help me feel appreciated over the years, non-sexually. I don't feel that I ask for much anymore than for my consent to be respected. I can recall several instances in our relationship where my consent was not respected in nonsexual situations, recently I was unhappy about not being told there was barbecue sauce in a dish, when I don't think I've kept it any kind of secret that I do not like barbecue sauce.

I resent how easy it has been for you to justify taking my consent for granted, most of all when it comes to sex. I know you can look back now and say that certain actions were wrong, or that not asking for consent before doing that wasn't ok. I don't think you understand that I remember how long I had to defend myself before you stopped justifying something, or how much that hurt.

What I need to see moving forward is accountability. Not flagellation or martyrdom. What I'd love to see, for example, would be for you to come to me with ideas for how you could initiate sex nonverbally, if the ways we discussed before were not suitable, or put too much pressure on you. What I need to see is you asking before testing to see if i really don't like barbecue sauce, or if my taste buds have changed.

If there is one thing you take away from this, please let it be this. What I desperately need to see, is you talking about a past mistake of your own initiative, with ideas to make amends. Come to me with ideas like, "hey I know I've taken your consent for granted when it comes to sex, I really wanted to do it and I just expected you would too. That wasn't cool, so can I do X, to make it up to you? Can I get you Y? Or, I've talked this over with my therapist, and she's suggested that I try Z, does that sound like a good plan?"

From what I've gathered, the emotional connection is entirely yours to decide upon is it not? My opinion on the emotional connection did not matter when I was asleep, did it?

Something I need you to recognize in addition is that you do not appreciate how much our sex life has revolved around making you feel safe, or setting the mood for you. I don't say that to imply it's bad to appreciate those things, or to need those things. I don't say that to imply you are a bad partner for asking for those things. I say that to point out the absence of those things for me.

I cannot think of a single time in my life that someone tried to set the mood for me.

I cannot think of a single time in my life that someone tried to make me feel safe.

I cannot think of a single time in my life that someone tried to woo me.

I cannot think of a single time in my life that someone thought I deserved any of that, and I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

I believe I could have sex again, if I keep working towards making you feel more emotionally connected to me, but that won't help me feel more emotionally connected to you.

on why I feel hopeless and struggle to ask for anything

Recently I asked for an update on an issue we addressed via the REST method as option A. I was told I failed to understand that something I had been told was unrelated to sex, was actually related to sex.

I understand that this confusion was not done intentionally, and I do not think, that upon reflection, you believe I failed to understand what I was told. I need to state that it was uncalled for, wrong, and manipulative.

I need to point out, that this Option A was discussed after three months of little progress on the issue at hand. When sitting down to address the issue, I was told that asking me for consent, considering my emotional state, making me feel sexy, etc, was not just forgettable, but that it was forgotten.

I do not think you have weaponized your bad memory, or tried to make me believe you are incapable of remembering important things, or things I have asked for.

When resolving important issues in our relationship, I have been told too many times that an issue was forgettable to trust that anything I need will not be forgotten in the future.

When discussing the issue, I was told that my understand was lacking, and therefore my fault that little progress has been made. this is only a recent example of how I have felt thrown under the bus for things out of my control. I'm not sure what I can trust anymore. If I should trust the things you say now, the things you said when I was crying, or the things you say right now.

We have sat with a therapist before, just like now, and come up with plans to better handle stressful situations, anxiety, or to heal, but they've been forgotten, misremembered, or outright ignored.

I feel hopeless after my birthday. I worry there is not anything I could ask for regarding sex without being disrespected, insulted, or shamed. Reasonably, I feel that the safest step forward for our relationship, if not myself, is to take sex off the table indefinitely.

I understand this does not help resolve the issue of sex in our relationship, nor do I think it is helping your anxiety in this moment, and for that I am sorry.

What I need going forward, is to trust that you are going to follow through on the goals you set, and if you can't meet them, take accountability for it, without blaming me.

Right now, I can trust that everything I've said will be forgotten. That I'm not patient enough. I can trust that it's my fault, all ready.

paper-wounds

Today I'm struggling, well not really

It's hit me recently that no one in my life likes me

no one in my life wants me

I've sacrificed every friendship save Gideon for this relationship

the only thing I've left is my financial independence

I'm over due to sacrifice that

Examples of meeting me in the middle

Given our sexual history I need to you understand what meeting me in the middle would entail

I have given you seven years of patience to work on your issues with sex, all while understanding to the best of my ability that I shouldn't take it personally when you have taken me for granted, or forgotten to show respect.

Meeting me in the middle would entail oral sex. Not because you've received it over the years, not because you've asked for it over the years, but because you told me seven years ago that it was a goal you were working towards.

I understand this will not happen, and that's ok. That is valid, and understandable.

I am not asking you to get over your trauma to please me sexually.

I need you to recognize that I have listened to the things you have explicitly said would help our sex life, and done them. It was never enough, so I have acted upon my deepest insecurities, my erectile dysfunction, to try and please you. There's a bottle of blue "meet crystal in the middle" pills on the desk upstairs.

Meeting me in the middle would be coming to me with solutions that are acknowledging, and taking accountability for the struggles we've had. "Hey I know I struggled with X, can I do Y... or would you appreciate Y?"

Meeting me in the middle would entail you becoming a much more giving, and mindful sexual partner than I have ever been with.

I have spent a lot of nights with you being mindful of your emotional state, your sexual needs. I've needed to juggle your emotional state, everything you have ever asked for sexually, whatever the game grumps are saying, and my own sexual desires, all while working towards your climax.

Meeting me in the middle would mean going to sleep knowing you might get woken up to preform. Knowing you won't get another chance to have your needs for connection met.

Meeting me in the middle, would mean regularly having sex where I don't need to be this stressed.

Meeting me in the middle would mean valuing my sexual respect, and pleasure, higher than you do now.

And yes, Meeting me in the middle would mean having sex much more often.

technofeudalism

if you wiped every ICE agent off the face of the earth, a hundred million people would become safer overnight. if you wiped every furry off the face of the earth, the entire internet would collapse for good in a matter of hours. i know where my allegiances lie.

seph-ic

big pile of junes

I'd like to receive oral sex. I was told seven years ago, that it was going to happen. Over seven years I have given oral sex more times than I can count.

I know better than to ask for that, so I won't.

I'd like to try anal sex, but I know better than to ask again, that was something she shared with Brandon.

I'd like to try RECEIVING SEX just once. I'd love to have a night where I can act like you have sexually.

I'd like a night where I don't have to communicate to you what I want, and when you don't please me sexually, you walk away knowing you need to change, there are pills you can be taking, right? There's a surgery you could get, right? You could be more patient, right?

You could be more understanding, that you have dropped this ball for years. For once in our relationship you could understand that I have given you everything you have asked for and then some. You could remember any of the expectations you've set, and meet them.

I feel like shit

I don't think scheduled date nights are a bad idea, nor code words. I think all of the ideas given are good ideas, and valid.

They're not acknowledging how much I've given over the past seven years, sexually. In no way shape or form am I being met in the middle here. It seems my vulnerability was taken for granted, or the problem is being blown off.

There is nothing I can do to get my partner to meet me in the middle regarding sex, because my partner is just now beginning to work on their sexual issues. It is in no way shape or form fair of me to ask for more in this situation, when the bar has all ready been set so low. If I cannot be shown basic respect to my consent over months, due to forgetfulness and fear, It seems to me that i must reasonably recognize that it will never happen.

I'm resentful because I know better than to ask for my needs or wants to be met, in this relationship.

redstonedust

what if your doppelganger loved being you more than you ever loved being yourself. they're better at being you and everyone loves them and it feels almost selfish to want your life back. i want clone horror but the horror is that the thing trying to replace you is also the person you always wanted to be.

redstonedust

and it is imperative that it ends with killing the better version of yourself with your bare hands btw.

Telling me I am wrong for raising my voice does not make you right

money

the joint checking account isn't happening.

I will make a trip to get a new ID, that is something I need to do.

I don't feel safe discussing money with her right now. When it comes to the joint checking account I suggested it years ago to pay for couples therapy. My partner told me that she wanted to wait till marriage, which was valid. Now the story has changed, she denied the joint account because she was afraid. Her father had recently gambled away thousands of dollars.

I am extremely hurt that it's assumed that I would act that recklessly with money after Germany. That does not show self awareness at all.

in adittion, I need to state. To my fucking credit, despite all of the fears she's had with money.

I need to talk about sex.

when I'm asked to help my partners fear of sex, I feel taken for granted. I have made a lot of accommodations to my boundaries to help her fear of sex. I have done so knowing that helping her is the right thing to do, but I have not seen her achieve the goals she's set over seven years.

I have tried to get her to recognize that waking me up for sex, and the related issues with consent could be ok with a conversation. she needs to talk to me, relatively recently, before that kind of thing.

I have understood their fear of sex and rejection, and I have let them take my consent for granted for too long.

Being told that I need to do more after the compromises I've made, is too much. I've met my partner in the middle when it comes to sex more times than I can count, and she needs more.

She set a goal around sex involving a conflict that I still don't fully understand. I was told I made her guilty, and that I needed to be more gentle when I tell her no. I was also told a list of things I should have done in that situation. I broke down crying and told her that I have never been treated that way in my life. No one has ever respected my consent that much.

I asked my partner to show me that respect over a six month period. She forgot, and assumed the issue would be resolved by having sex with me more. Communication has not improved when it comes to sex. While having sex more often is something I'd like, and have discussed in the resolution of that argument, it was not the sole issue at hand.

I have communicated to my partner that as it stands, over the future of our relationship, I do not expect to have sex again. That's not fair, given that she has communicated to me that she does want to have sex with me.

I have been hurt, and let that cloud my judgement. With time and a clearer head, I can see that I cannot expect her to respect me when it comes to sex in the future.

I have to be honest, and say this Option A is not going to work. I do not believe my partner respects me enough to fulfill what has been discussed. I think this plan needs to be abandoned. Not just because of the way things have been handled but because I see the conflict that began this attempt at sexual and emotional growth as toxic.

I still have not been told what I have done to make her feel guilty that night. I believe it's because I told that I would not like to try again the next night.

when we sat down to talk that issue out, she had a note to read that she had prepared at work with Torrie's help. She finished reading it by saying, "... and I'm sorry for that." However, she put the note down and and began "but actually I'm not sorry..." I remember her telling me a list of things I should have done, I remember her telling me that I had guilt tripped her the night prior but she couldn't remember what I did, or at least would not tell me. Later, she when discussing that night she asked if I would be more gentle when I said no to sex, to explain why I don't want to have sex. I said, "HELL NO. you know damn well you were raised to never suffer a man crying at being told no for sex".

I didn't say it at the time, but I've been trying to communicate to her that I need her to treat me with the respect she deserves. For fucks sake, I've never woken her up for sex, I haven't tried to have sex with her while she's sleeping, or told her that I took her movements as consent.

I have confessed to two people our issues with sex. Doing so, I feel like a weight is off my shoulder. Knowing that two people know that I'm sleeping on the couch helped me sleep safely for the first time in a long time.

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who wants to watch me die