꒰ ﹒ pairing: heeseung x fem!reader ... ﹒ friends to lovers, fluff ... ﹒ w/c: 21k
synopsis: for three years, you and heeseung have hovered between friendship and something more—stolen glances, late-night car rides, hands brushing under tables. but when the waiting finally ends, you realize you were never just friends to begin with.
꒰ ﹒ warnings: smut, mdni! explicit sexual content, petnames, unprotected sex (dont do it!!!!) not proofread
💿 % (◠﹏◠ ✿) #nowplaying: waiting room - phoebe bridgers
Three years ago, you met Heeseung at a Halloween party. And, in a way, he never really left.
You remember the night in sharp, neon clarity, the kind that only exists in memories warped by time and too many cheap drinks. The bass of the music was rattling against the walls, distorting into something unrecognizable by the time it reached your ears. The air was thick, humid with the breath of a hundred strangers crammed into an apartment too small to hold them. It smelled like spilled alcohol, synthetic fog from a cheap smoke machine, and the faintest trace of cinnamon, probably from some idiot who thought Fireball was a good idea.
You were standing in the kitchen, gripping a plastic cup half-full of something blue and questionably sweet, when you felt it. The warmth of someone moving too close. The press of a shoulder against yours. And then—disaster.
A smear of green, across your arm, your ribs, your stomach.
You stared at it, confused. It looked like paint. Wet, sticky, and clinging to the fabric of your skeleton costume like it belonged there. You blinked once, twice, before dragging your gaze upward, locking eyes with the culprit.
“Oh, shit.”
He was green. No, really, he was covered in it, from his jawline to his collarbone, down his arms, streaked across his hands. He was, in fact, one of the Ninja Turtles.
“Are you radioactive?” you asked, because that felt like a genuine concern at this point.
Heeseung—though you didn’t know his name yet—blinked at you, then looked down at his own arm as if just realizing that, yeah, maybe painting his entire body for a costume wasn’t the best idea. “I, uh—fuck, I didn’t think—”
“Didn’t think what?” you repeated, glancing down at your once-pristine skeleton costume. “That maybe body paint takes a while to dry?”
“No, see, I thought it was dry. I waited, like, an hour before putting the costume on.” He sounded both defensive and regretful, like someone who had just now realized the full extent of their mistake.
You sighed, poking at the stain. “Well, congrats. You’ve officially made me the first skeleton in history to die of green slime exposure.”
He let out a breath of laughter, then scratched the back of his neck—a habit you’d later come to recognize as his go-to nervous tic. “On the bright side… at least now you match me?”
You narrowed your eyes. “You’re trying to make me feel better.”
“Is it working?”
“Not even a little.”
A slow grin spread across his face, lopsided and teasing. “Damn. Guess I’ll have to try harder.”
And he did.
That was the beginning of it, you suppose. A stupid mistake, an even stupider conversation, and a boy painted green who somehow managed to wedge himself into your life like he belonged there. You didn’t know then that he’d become your best friend. That in three years, you’d be sitting next to him in a car at two in the morning, singing along to songs you didn't really know. That you’d learn the exact way he liked his coffee, the rhythm of his breath when he fell asleep next to you on your couch, the way he always looked at you like he was on the verge of saying something important but never quite did.
No, back then, all you knew was that he was an idiot. And that, somehow, against all odds—you kind of liked him anyway. But you and Heeseung became friends by accident.
It wasn’t an immediate thing, not like some cosmic force snapped its fingers and tied the two of you together. No, it was slower than that, more like a series of small collisions, a gradual intertwining of orbits. And most of it had to do with Yunjin.
You and Yunjin had been friends since the beginning of college. One of those friendships that happens fast, like flipping a switch. One day, you were just two people forced into the same group project, and the next, you were sneaking snacks into late-night study sessions, texting each other memes at 3 a.m., and laughing until your stomach hurt over things that weren’t even that funny. She was the kind of person you felt like you had known forever, even though it had only been a few years.
But somehow, despite all that time, you had never actually registered who she lived with. You knew she had a roommate—she’d mentioned him in passing a few times, usually accompanied by an exasperated sigh or an eye roll—but you had never put much thought into it. The guy could’ve been a faceless NPC for all you cared. Just a background character in the world of Yunjin’s apartment. Until one fateful Tuesday afternoon.
You had gone over to Yunjin’s place to work on a mind-numbing, soul-draining research paper, and the two of you were sitting cross-legged on her living room floor. The atmosphere was calm, quiet—at least, until the front door swung open with the force of someone dramatically entering a scene in a sitcom.
“YUNJIN,” a voice rang through the apartment, loud and excited. “I JUST BOUGHT ZELDA: BREATH OF THE WILD. I NEED TO PLAY IT IMMEDIATELY.”
You barely had time to process before the source of the chaos came bounding into the room. A guy, slightly breathless from what must have been a very passionate journey home, clutching a Nintendo Switch game case like it was the most important thing in the world.
And he was green.
Well, not literally—he wasn’t still covered in body paint—but your brain made the connection instantly. The excitement, the unfiltered enthusiasm, the slight air of someone who had been making questionable life decisions since birth.
It clicked.
“Oh my god,” you blurted. “You’re the Ninja Turtle guy.”
Heeseung froze mid-step, eyes flickering to you like he was only now realizing there was another person in the room. For a second, he just stared, lips parted in muted shock, like you had just caught him committing a crime.
Then, in a tone that was both confused and slightly mortified, he said, “Oh. Uh. Yeah. That’s me.”
You squinted at him, taking in the full picture—the messy hair, the slightly wrinkled hoodie, the expression of someone who had absolutely not been expecting to relive his Halloween mistakes today. Then, you turned to Yunjin.
“You live with the Ninja Turtle guy?”
Yunjin, who had been watching this interaction unfold with barely concealed amusement, grinned. “I guess.”
Heeseung cleared his throat, regaining some of his composure. “For the record, my name is Heeseung.”
“Really?” you said, nodding slowly. “I thought your name was Donatello”
He looked mildly offended. “Excuse me?”
“Well,” you said, gesturing vaguely, “I feel like I at least deserve to know which turtle was responsible for my suffering. I thought it was Donatello.”
Heeseung rolled his eyes but played along. “Leonardo. Sunghoon was Raphael, Beomgyu was Michelangelo, and Jake was Donatello.”
You considered this for a second, then turned back to Yunjin. “I can’t believe you live with Leonardo.”
Yunjin, deadpan, replied, “Trust me, I can’t either.”
And that was the second collision.
You didn’t know it then, but this was how it would always be with Heeseung—dramatic entrances, loud declarations, and an energy that burst into the room like an unexpected firework. You had met him twice now, and both times, he had been the human embodiment of chaos. But for some reason, that chaos felt a little less like a background character now. And after that day, Heeseung stopped being just Yunjin’s roommate.
You started seeing him everywhere. Not because you were seeking him out—not at first, anyway—but because he had a tendency to appear in your life like some kind of recurring side character in a sitcom. You’d be minding your own business in Yunjin’s apartment, and he’d burst through the door, ranting about how someone stole his favorite study spot in the library. You’d go to grab coffee before class, and there he’d be, dramatically arguing with the barista about why oat milk was a scam. He just kept showing up, like the universe had decided that, for better or worse, he was part of your story now.
And then, you found out you had a class together. It wasn’t a real class. Not in the sense that it required effort or critical thinking. It was one of those ridiculous elective courses that the university offered purely to fill up credit requirements—something slapped onto the catalog as an afterthought, designed for students who were too lazy or too exhausted to take anything serious.
You had signed up for it without even reading the description, choosing it solely because it fit into your schedule and had a reputation for being an easy A. Heeseung, apparently, had done the same.
That was how the two of you ended up in "The Philosophy of Memes and Internet Culture."
The class was exactly as stupid as it sounded. The professor was a guy in his late 40s who still said things like “epic fail” unironically. The syllabus included assignments like “analyzing the impact of Vine on modern humor” and “writing a 500-word essay on the evolution of the Rickroll.” It was the kind of class that could only exist in a university desperate to appear progressive and relevant, and you were 90% sure the school administration had no idea it was happening.
It was, in short, the best class either of you had ever taken.
You and Heeseung immediately became the worst students in the room. Not because you weren’t paying attention, but because you were paying attention too much—finding everything so absurdly hilarious that neither of you could take it seriously. Every lecture felt like a fever dream. Every assignment was an excuse to see how much nonsense you could get away with before the professor caught on.
And then, of course, came the group project. It was a simple assignment: pick a meme, trace its origins, and present its cultural impact. Most people chose something predictable—Doge, Grumpy Cat, Distracted Boyfriend.
You and Heeseung, however, chose Shrek. More specifically, you chose Shrek’s cultural legacy as an ironic meme figure.
It was supposed to be a joke. A way to entertain yourselves in a class that was already ridiculous. But the further you got into your research, the more serious it became.
Somewhere along the way, you and Heeseung stopped just pretending to care and actually started caring. You spent hours deep-diving into obscure Shrek forums, analyzing the rise of “Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life” discourse, debating whether or not the character’s internet resurgence was fueled by genuine appreciation or detached irony. You became scholars of the Shrek Renaissance.
The night before your presentation, you were in Yunjin’s apartment, sitting on the floor with your laptops open, surrounded by a mess of half-empty snack bags and unfinished slides. The clock blinked 2:37 AM, and neither of you had any business still being awake.
Heeseung was slouched against the couch, staring at his screen with the expression of a man who had seen too much. “I think I know too much about Shrek,” he said, voice hollow.
You let out a dramatic sigh, rubbing your temples. “Yeah. We flew too close to the sun on this one.” There was a beat of silence.
Then, Heeseung slowly turned his laptop around, revealing a slide titled ‘Shrek and the Post-Ironic Era of Internet Humor: A Critical Analysis.’ And for some reason, that was it. That was the moment you broke.
Maybe it was the exhaustion. Maybe it was the fact that you had just spent the past three hours watching deep-fried Shrek memes with Gregorian chants in the background. Maybe it was just the sheer, stupid absurdity of the entire situation. But suddenly, you were laughing.
Not just laughing—cackling. The kind of breathless, full-body laughter that made your stomach hurt. That made you feel like you were going to die right there on Yunjin’s living room floor, lost to the void of Shrek academia.
And Heeseung—poor, equally sleep-deprived Heeseung—was right there with you. He doubled over, gasping for air, his head nearly colliding with your shoulder as he choked out, “We’re never recovering from this.”
Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes. You turned to him, trying to catch your breath, and found him already looking at you. His eyes were crinkled at the edges, his cheeks flushed from laughter, his whole body still shaking slightly from the aftermath. And for a moment—just a moment—you thought, this is nice.
Not just the laughing. Not just the inside jokes and the chaos.
But him.
You pushed the thought away before it could settle.
Because, at the end of the day, Heeseung was your friend. Your dumbass friend who still had green body paint under his fingernails two weeks after Halloween. Who got irrationally angry at mobile game ads. Who had just spent the last six hours dissecting Shrek memes with you like it was a matter of academic integrity.
And that was all he was.
Right?
Heeseung, on the other hand, wasn’t sure when it started. That feeling.
That weird, stupid, barely-there feeling. The one that sat quietly in the back of his mind, like a notification he refused to check. Like a waiting room. A vague, almost imperceptible awareness that he enjoyed your company a little too much—that your laugh had started to feel like background music in his life, something he didn’t know he needed until it was gone.
Not that it meant anything. Obviously.
He liked lots of people. He was a social guy. He made friends easily, enjoyed being around them, and—despite Yunjin’s many accusations—was not emotionally repressed. He just… liked the things you liked. That was normal.
It was normal that he started watching that terrible reality show you always talked about, even though he swore he hated it. It was normal that he got a random impulse to buy you a weirdly specific snack he saw at the store because “it just screamed your vibe.” It was normal that he sent you voice notes every time he saw something even remotely related to Shrek, even months after your presentation.
That was just friendship. Which was why, as a friend, he invited you to an arcade.
It was one of those places that felt like it had been stuck in time since the 90s—neon lights, sticky floors, a vague smell of burnt popcorn in the air. The kind of place that probably hadn’t passed a health inspection in years, but had an undeniable charm to it. You were too good at skee-ball.
It was honestly annoying. Heeseung had challenged you three times, and each time, you had obliterated him without breaking a sweat. It wasn’t even close. “You’re cheating,” he accused, arms crossed as he watched you land another perfect shot.
You grinned, tossing the last ball effortlessly. “You’re just mad because you suck.”
“I don’t suck,” he argued. “This game is just—rigged. The physics are all off.”
“Oh my god. Did you just say ‘the physics are off’ in a skee-ball game?”
“Yes,” he said, completely serious. “I am a man of logic and reason.”
You snorted, shaking your head. “Sure. Okay. Man of logic and reason. If you’re so smart, let’s see how well you do at Dance Dance Revolution.”
Heeseung froze. “I—uh—what?”
“Come on,” you said, already dragging him toward the machine. “Let’s see those skills.”
Here was the thing about Heeseung: he was good at a lot of things. He could play video games for hours without blinking. He could talk his way out of almost any bad situation. He could even recite the entire “All Star” lyrics from memory.
But he could not dance. At all. And that became painfully clear the second the game started.
Heeseung missed every step. Every single one. While you moved effortlessly, barely even glancing at the screen, he was flailing. His feet weren’t in sync with his brain. His arms kept jerking awkwardly, and he could hear you laughing beside him, and somehow, that made it worse.
By the time the game ended, Heeseung was defeated. He doubled over, hands on his knees, gasping dramatically. “I think I died,” he announced.
You patted his back. “You fought bravely.”
He looked up at you then, about to retort, but the words got lost somewhere in his throat. Because you were smiling at him—really smiling. Your eyes were crinkled at the edges, your face still flushed from laughing. The neon lights flickered against your skin, casting everything in shades of blue and pink, making you look—
Well. Heeseung swallowed. That weird, stupid, barely-there feeling? Yeah. It was there.
But you were just his friend.
So, when Beomgyu casually mentioned, in the most offhanded, unbothered way possible, that he thought you were cute, Heeseung should’ve just let it go. But he didn’t.
“You think she’s what?”
Beomgyu raised an eyebrow. “Cute. You know, in a hot way.”
Heeseung felt something in his chest twist. It was irrational. Objectively, completely irrational. Because, yeah, you were cute. That wasn’t news to him. He had eyes. He was aware. He had just… never thought about the fact that other people might also be aware.
Heeseung almost laughed. It was a knee-jerk reaction, the kind of dry, disbelieving scoff that came when someone said something so absurd it didn’t even process at first. But then, Beomgyu kept talking.
“I was thinking of asking her out.”
And Heeseung felt it. That twist, low and tight, in the pit of his stomach.
He blinked at Beomgyu, waiting for the usual rush of banter to kick in, for the easy teasing to roll off his tongue. But for some reason, his mouth felt dry. Beomgyu liked you. Beomgyu thought you were cute. Beomgyu wanted to date you.
It wasn’t that wild of a concept. People liked you all the time. You were funny and charming in that effortlessly chaotic way, the kind of person who made friends in the span of a single conversation. It made sense that Beomgyu, out of all people, would look at you and go, Yeah, she’s my type.
And it wasn’t like Heeseung had a say in the matter. So he shrugged, leaning back against the couch, and said, “Yeah, good for you, man. Good for you”
And that should’ve been the end of it. Except. Beomgyu actually did ask you out. And the worst part? You said yes.
At first, Heeseung didn’t think much of it. He was fine. It was fine.
So what if you had gone out with Beomgyu last Friday and came back looking kind of flushed, kind of happy? So what if, the next time he saw you, you had that soft, secretive look in your eyes, the one that said you were thinking about something that made your stomach twist in the good way?
So what. You weren’t dating. You weren’t his. And he sure as hell wasn’t jealous. Except then it wasn’t just one date. Because you went out again. And again. And again. And suddenly, Beomgyu wasn’t just one of Heeseung’s friends anymore—he was the guy you were seeing. And that, for some reason, was so much worse.
The thing about Beomgyu was that he was annoying. Like, Heeseung had always known this, but now, for the first time in his life, it felt personal. “Dude,” Beomgyu groaned, stretching his arms behind his head as they sat in their usual spot in the campus lounge. “Y/N is so fun, bro. Like, actually so fun.”
Heeseung clenched his jaw. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. She’s, like… different.” Heeseung made a face. “No, I’m serious,” Beomgyu whined. “She’s not like other girls.”
I’m gonna walk into traffic, Heeseung thought.
“No, like—” Beomgyu hesitated, looking off into the distance. “She’s just cool, you know?”
And Heeseung didn’t know why that pissed him off. Maybe because he knew that already. He had always known that. He had known it before Beomgyu, before any of these dates, before whatever the hell this was.
He had known it since the night he met you. Since the moment you called him Donatello when he was, in fact, Leonardo. Since the first time you said his name with that teasing edge, like you were permanently in on some joke he didn’t even realize he was making.
So, yeah. Maybe he didn’t like hearing Beomgyu say it like he had discovered it first.
But whatever. Heeseung let it go. Because it wasn’t like this was going to last forever. And then, it didn’t.
One day, you walked into Yunjin’s apartment, kicked your shoes off in a way that sent one flying across the room, and threw yourself onto the couch with all the weight of someone carrying a great and terrible burden.
Heeseung, sitting on the floor, scrolled mindlessly through his phone, pretending he hadn’t immediately noticed you. But then, you sighed. A deep, world-weary, existentially exhausted sigh.
Yunjin looked up from where she was painting her nails. “Jesus,” she muttered. “What.”
You groaned, stuffing your face into a pillow. “I think I’m over it.”
Heeseung’s thumb froze mid-scroll. Casual. He had to be casual. So, without looking up, he mumbled, “Over what?”
Another dramatic sigh. You rolled onto your back, staring at the ceiling like it held the answers to life itself. “Beomgyu.”
Heeseung blinked. Okay.
Yunjin, who had been the biggest advocate of this whole thing, frowned. “Wait, what do you mean? You were literally texting him heart emojis yesterday.”
“I don’t know.” You stretched out your legs like the weight of your own existence was exhausting you. “I just… don’t feel like it anymore.”
Yunjin gave you a look. “Like, what? He’s a hobby you got bored of?”
“No! It’s just—” You hesitated, pressing your lips together. “Like, I liked the idea of him. And at first, it was fun. But then, the more time we spent together, the more I realized… I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
You exhaled, shutting your eyes. “I feel like I was trying to make myself like him the way I was supposed to. But it just wasn’t working.”
And that was when Heeseung’s grip on his phone tightened. He forced himself to keep his face neutral, tilting his head slightly as he looked at you. “The way you were supposed to?”
You turned your head towards him. “Yeah. Like, Beomgyu is great, okay? He’s funny, and he’s cute, and he’s nice, and I should like him.” You paused, expression softening. “But every time he kissed me, I just…”
You trailed off, lost in thought. Heeseung swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. He wasn’t sure why.
Yunjin made a gagging noise. “Okay, ew. Please don’t get all sentimental about kissing Beomgyu on my couch.”
You laughed, pushing her half-heartedly with your foot. “I’m just saying—it’s not clicking. You ever get that? Like, you try to like someone, but no matter how much you do, it just doesn’t fit?”
And the way you looked at Heeseung when you asked that—like you expected him to understand—made something in his chest tighten. Because yeah. He knew exactly what that felt like. He just… couldn’t say it.
So he swallowed, rolling his shoulders back, and forced a small smirk. “Damn,” he said, voice light. “Tough loss for Beomgyu.”
You let out a soft huff of laughter. “Yeah.” Then, a pause. “Guess I’m single again.”
Something in Heeseung’s chest lurched. But he just nodded, keeping his expression neutral, easy, unfazed. Like it didn’t mean anything. Like it didn’t change everything.
A few weeks later, Heeseung showed up at your apartment. It was raining that day.
Not in a dramatic, cinematic way, but in that soft, half-hearted drizzle that made everything look just a little bit duller. The sky was gray, the streets were damp, and Heeseung had definitely stepped into at least two puddles on his way up to your place.
Which, in his opinion, was already way too much effort just to fix your stupid kitchen cabinet.
“Okay, I just wanna say,” he announced as soon as you let him in, dragging his slightly-wet socks across your floor, “I don’t know how the hell you managed to completely detach a cabinet door, but honestly? I’m kind of impressed.”
You rolled your eyes, stepping aside to let him in. “Are you gonna help me or are you gonna make fun of me?”
“Oh, I’m definitely gonna make fun of you.” He grinned, toeing off his shoes before making his way to your kitchen. “But I’ll fix it after.”
You followed behind him, crossing your arms as you watched him inspect the broken cabinet. It wasn’t like you had meant to break it. You had simply been existing in your own kitchen, minding your own business, when the handle somehow got caught on the sleeve of your hoodie—one tug too strong, and suddenly the door was in your hands instead of on its hinges.
“I literally don’t understand how this happened,” Heeseung muttered, crouching down to assess the damage.
“Okay, handyman,” you shot back. “Can you fix it or not?”
Heeseung snorted, shaking his head. “Yeah, yeah, let me just—” He held out a hand. “Pass me my phone.”
You blinked. “Huh?”
“My hands are kinda full,” he said, nodding towards the cabinet door that he was currently balancing on one knee. “Look up how to fix this real quick.”
You huffed but grabbed his phone from the counter, unlocking it without thinking as you leaned against the kitchen island. You didn’t love the idea of looking up a YouTube tutorial like some kind of DIY newbie, but considering that Heeseung was already physically here fixing your problem for you, you figured you could at least meet him halfway.
So, with one hand holding his phone, you typed "how to reattach cabinet door" into the search bar—
And then, your thumb froze. Because right there, at the top of the screen, was a notification. A message. From Chaewon. Your stomach twisted.
It wasn’t like you didn’t know who Chaewon was. Of course, you did. You weren’t stupid. Chaewon was his ex.
The one he never really talked about. The one who had, at one point, been a name you’d only heard in passing, just a piece of his past that you had no real reason to care about. Except… you did.
Because now, here she was. On his screen. Texting him. And suddenly, you felt fucking ridiculous. Because why were you even reacting like this? It wasn’t like he was your boyfriend. It wasn’t like he owed you an explanation. So, then… why did it feel like this?
You forced yourself to look away from the message, pressing the YouTube link on the screen as if nothing had happened. But something had. Because when Heeseung glanced at you, waiting for your next words, you just… couldn’t bring yourself to meet his eyes.
“Uh.” You cleared your throat, suddenly hyper-aware of the way your voice didn’t sound normal. “It says you need a screwdriver.”
Heeseung raised an eyebrow at your abrupt shift in tone, but he didn’t question it. “Okay,” he said slowly, getting up to grab one from his bag.
You took the moment to shove his phone back onto the counter, clenching your jaw as you crossed your arms tighter over your chest. It was fine. You were fine.
“Hey.” His voice cut through the air, slightly muffled as he rummaged through his bag. “Can you hold this while I—”
“No, it’s fine.” The words came out too fast, too stiff.
And Heeseung noticed. He glanced at you, pausing with the screwdriver halfway in his grip. “You good?”
You forced out a laugh. “Yeah. Why?”
He narrowed his eyes slightly, tilting his head. “You just got all weird all of a sudden.”
“I didn’t.”
“You definitely did.”
You exhaled sharply, schooling your expression into something that wasn’t betrayal or insecurity or whatever dumb thing was currently buzzing inside your head. “I’m just tired.”
It wasn’t a total lie. Heeseung didn’t look fully convinced, but he didn’t push. He just hummed under his breath, turning back to the cabinet as he started working again.
And maybe it was stupid. Maybe it was irrational. But you couldn’t stop thinking about it. The notification. The name. The way your stomach had twisted on instinct before you even had a chance to tell yourself it didn’t matter.
Because maybe… Maybe it did.
The next time you’re at Yunjin’s apartment, Heeseung isn’t there.
It’s not intentional, not entirely. Maybe there’s a small, petty part of you that’s relieved when Yunjin mentions he’s out, like the universe decided to grant you a break from the exhausting push and pull of whatever this thing is between you. But mostly, you’re just here because you always are.
There’s an old episode of some dating reality show playing in the background, and Yunjin barely glances at it as she paints her toenails a shade of red so deep it’s almost brown. You pick at the hem of your sleeve, casual, too casual, before finally asking, “Does Heeseung still see Chaewon?”
Yunjin snorts, like it’s the dumbest thing she’s heard all day. “God, I hope not.”
Something in your stomach untwists just slightly, but you don’t let the relief settle. You just raise an eyebrow, feigning indifference. “What happened with them, anyway?”
Yunjin pauses, her brush hovering mid-air. She gives you a look. The kind that says she sees through you. The kind that makes your skin prickle with the discomfort of being known. But then she sighs, leans back against the couch, and says, “They burned out.”
You blink. “That’s it?”
Yunjin tilts her head. “You ever leave a candle burning too long?” She dips the brush back into the bottle, shaking her head. “They were good until they weren’t. And when they weren’t, it was obvious. Chaewon got tired of waiting for him to catch up.”
You frown. “Catch up?”
Yunjin shrugs. “She loved him first. And she wanted him to love her back just as fast, just as much. But Heeseung…” She sighs, blowing lightly on her nails. “Heeseung takes his time. He doesn’t fall in love all at once, he kind of… eases into it. Like the dumbass that he is.”
Your chest tightens.
Because you think about the way he looks at you when he thinks you’re not watching. About the way he always notices when you’re cold before you even say anything. And then you think about the way he doesn’t say anything. About the way he’s always on the edge of something, always almost.
Yunjin is watching you. You can feel it. And you know, you just know, she’s about to say something that’s going to ruin you.
So you get up, stretch your arms above your head like you can shake the weight of this conversation off your skin. “Right. Well. That was fun. Thanks for the gossip.”
Yunjin smirks. “You’re so fucking obvious.” You ignore her, grabbing a handful of popcorn from the bowl on the coffee table. But before you can shove it in your mouth, she says, “Heeseung’s not stupid, you know. He just doesn’t like to move until he’s sure.”
You pause. And because you’re you, and because this is Heeseung, and because everything about this whole thing is a goddamn waiting game— You pretend you don’t hear her.
And then it’s 2:14 a.m. when your phone buzzes.
You’re half-asleep, curled up in bed, the glow of your screen slicing through the darkness. You squint at it, groggy, before reading the message.
heeseung: you awake?
heeseung: also. do u want mcdonalds
You blink. Then again. You type out a response with fingers that still feel half-dead from sleep.
you: is that even a question
heeseung: valid. be outside in 10
And just like that, you’re stepping into your slides, and slipping out the door like this is the most normal thing in the world. Because with Heeseung, it kind of is.
The streetlights cast long, tired shadows across the pavement, and the air is that weird mix of crisp and stale that only exists at this hour, like the city itself is pausing, caught between the last breath of night and the first inhale of morning.
Heeseung’s car rolls up exactly nine minutes later, music already playing low through the speakers. When you slide into the passenger seat, he barely even looks at you before reaching into the back and tossing you his hoodie.
“You’re gonna get cold,” he says simply.
You huff, but you put it on. It smells like him—faint detergent, something vaguely woody, and the unmistakable scent of McDonald’s fries from however many late-night runs have preceded this one.
Heeseung pulls out onto the street, the familiar hum of the engine settling between you. He’s got one hand lazily resting on the steering wheel, and there’s a soft shadow of exhaustion under his eyes, but he still looks… at ease.
It’s quiet for a while. Comfortable. The kind of silence that doesn’t feel like it needs filling.
Then, as he turns onto the main road, he says, “You ever think about how weird time is?”
You glance at him. “That’s an insane way to start a conversation.”
“I’m serious,” he laughs, tapping his fingers against the wheel. “Like, right now. It’s 2:30 a.m. for us, but somewhere else, it’s a normal afternoon. Someone’s getting lunch, someone’s going to work. And here we are, about to eat McNuggets in a parking lot.”
You hum. “I feel like this is your way of convincing me that time isn’t real.”
He nods solemnly. “Nothing is real.”
“Except McNuggets.”
“Exactly.”
A beat passes, the soft rumble of the tires against the road the only sound for a moment. Then, quieter, more thoughtful, Heeseung asks, “Where do you think you’ll be in a year?”
The question catches you off guard. You tilt your head, thinking. “I don’t know,” you admit. “I mean, I have plans, but… life never really goes how you expect it to, does it?”
Heeseung exhales a small laugh. “No. It really doesn’t.”
You hesitate before adding, “Where do you think you’ll be?”
He takes a moment. His grip on the steering wheel tightens just slightly, like he’s holding onto the words before letting them go. “I don’t know either.” He pauses, then glances at you with something unreadable in his eyes. “I just hope I’m somewhere that still feels like home.”
You feel something shift. A small, almost imperceptible weight settling between the two of you.
And maybe it’s the hour. Maybe it’s the fact that your brain isn’t fully awake yet. Or maybe it’s just him—this version of Heeseung that only exists at 2:30 a.m., the one who speaks in half-truths and unspoken things. But you suddenly feel like you understand exactly what he means.
The McDonald’s drive-thru is basically empty when you pull in. The girl at the window looks like she hates her job, and Heeseung, being Heeseung, makes it his personal mission to get her to smile.
“Are McFlurries still a scam?” he asks solemnly.
The girl raises an unimpressed eyebrow. “You mean, is the machine broken?”
“Yeah.”
“Obviously.”
Heeseung sighs. “I knew it. A tragedy, really.”
Her lips twitch—just barely—but he sees it. He shoots you a triumphant look as he pulls forward.
With the food secured, he parks in a near-empty lot. There’s something about eating fast food in a car past midnight that makes it taste ten times better—something about the way the city is so still, like the world has shrunk down to just the two of you and the glow of the dashboard lights.
For a while, you just eat in silence, the occasional rustle of a fry bag or the quiet click of a sauce container the only noise. Then Heeseung says, “If you could live in any movie, which one would it be?”
You think for a moment. “Probably something stupid and fun. Like… a rom-com where everything works out in the end.”
Heeseung snorts. “Yeah? You want to be the main character that badly?”
“Obviously.”
He grins, dipping a fry into his BBQ sauce. “You’d be the chaotic best friend, though.”
You throw a fry at him. He catches it in his mouth.
“What about you?” you ask, popping a nugget into your mouth.
Heeseung leans back against the seat, thinking. “I don’t know. Something small. Quiet. One of those movies where nothing really happens, but it still makes you feel something.”
You tilt your head. “Like a waiting room.”
Heeseung turns to you. “What?”
“A waiting room,” you say, like it’s obvious. “That’s what those movies feel like. Like something is about to happen, but you don’t know what, and maybe it’s okay if nothing does.”
He stares at you for a long moment. Then he smiles. And it’s not his usual grin, not the teasing, lopsided smirk. It’s something smaller, softer. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “Like a waiting room.”
Neither of you say anything after that. The city hums in the background, neon lights bleeding into the darkness, the last remnants of fries sitting forgotten between you.
And then, a party. Not the kind you remember from three years ago, not the one where you met a boy covered in green body paint who changed your life without even meaning to. But still, a party. The music is just as loud, the air just as thick with heat and laughter, the night just as full of things waiting to happen.
You’re not sure why you came. Yunjin had begged, of course, had stood in your doorway with her most dramatic expression, wailing about how you never do anything fun anymore. But even then, you could have said no. You could have curled up in your apartment, wrapped yourself in something soft and safe, ignored the way your stomach flipped when you thought, what if Heeseung is there?
But you didn’t.
And now, you’re here, standing in the middle of someone’s too-small living room, holding a lukewarm drink, feeling like a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit. And then, you hear your name.
It cuts through the music, through the laughter, through the static in your brain. It pulls you toward the kitchen, toward the familiar lilt of a voice you know better than your own. And there he is. Heeseung.
Standing in front of the fridge, cracking open a beer, wearing a faded t-shirt and jeans that hang just right. His hair is a little messy, his eyes a little bright, and when he sees you, he grins—that same lopsided, teasing, dangerous smile.
"Look who finally decided to show up," he says, raising his drink in a mock toast.
You roll your eyes, taking a sip of whatever’s in your cup. "Don’t make a big deal out of it."
Heeseung hums, leaning against the counter. "Wouldn’t dream of it."
But he’s looking at you like it is a big deal. Like maybe he’s been waiting for you all night. Like maybe he always is.
Hours pass, the party moves around you—people spilling in and out of rooms, music shifting from one song to the next—but you and Heeseung stay where you are, orbiting around each other.
At some point, someone suggests a game. Cards, or maybe something more ridiculous—something designed to make people confess things they wouldn’t say otherwise. You should say no. You should step away before you find yourself caught in something you can’t get out of.
But you don’t. You sit next to Heeseung on the floor, close enough that your knees touch. The game starts, questions fly, people laugh. And then—
Jake turns to you. "Alright, Y/N. Who was your first college crush?"
You blink. "What?"
The group whoops in unison. Jungwon throws an arm around your shoulder. "Come on, don’t be shy."
Your throat goes dry. Your eyes flicker to Heeseung, just for a second, but it’s enough. His smirk twitches—just barely, just enough to be noticeable—and suddenly, you know you have to get out of this.
You clear your throat, reaching for your drink. "I think I’ve blocked it out," you lie.
A chorus of boos erupts, but the game moves on. The moment passes. But beside you, Heeseung is watching you, his fingers tapping against his knee, like he’s putting something together. You pretend not to notice.
Later, when the party has blurred into something soft and distant, when most people are drunk or half-asleep, when the night has stretched itself out into something too fragile to hold forever, Heeseung finds you on the balcony.
You’re leaning against the railing, breathing in the cool air, staring out at the city lights. "You hiding from me?"
You don’t turn around. "You think everything’s about you, don’t you?"
He laughs—soft, amused, something warm threading through the sound. "It usually is."
You roll your eyes, but then he’s beside you, resting his forearms on the railing, close enough that you can feel the heat of him even through the night air.
For a moment, neither of you speak. The music inside is muffled now, the party nothing more than background noise. The city stretches out before you, endless and alive, full of people who have no idea that this moment is happening.
And then, quietly, Heeseung asks, "You really don’t remember your first college crush?"
Your fingers tighten slightly around the railing. You exhale. "I remember."
A pause. "Yeah?"
You glance at him. He’s watching you, expression unreadable, something deep and knowing in his eyes. You swallow. "Yeah."
Heeseung tilts his head slightly, and for a second, you think—Is he going to ask? Does he already know? But he doesn’t.
He just nods, looking back at the skyline, and says, "Me too."
And somehow, that’s worse. Because you think—no, you know—that he’s not talking about some early college memory, some long-forgotten infatuation.
He’s talking about you.
And for the first time, you wonder if this thing between you—this waiting, this almost, this three years of something unspoken—has been more obvious than you thought. You wonder if maybe, just maybe, you’re not the only one waiting.
One month later. The thing about time is that it moves whether you’re ready or not. It stretches, it folds, it carries you forward even when you feel like you’re standing still.
And ever since the party, things with Heeseung have been… different. Not in an obvious way. Not in the way that people would notice, not in the way that Yunjin would tease you about over breakfast. But in the small things.
In the way his eyes linger just a little too long. In the way your stomach flips when he says your name. In the way every conversation feels like it’s balancing on the edge of something you can’t name.
Because you and Heeseung have always been close, always been drawn together like something written into the universe itself. But now? Now, it feels different. Like someone turned up the volume on something you didn’t even realize was playing in the background.
And the worst part? Neither of you are talking about it.
Instead, you’re doing what you do best—pretending. Pretending that nothing is different, that things are still light and easy, that three years of something unspoken aren’t finally starting to spill over the edges.
Until one day, when you’re sitting on Yunjin’s couch, your phone rings. It’s your mother. You hesitate before answering, already bracing yourself for whatever she’s about to say.
And the moment you put your phone down, you groan, collapsing onto the couch, like the weight of the conversation is physically pressing down on you. Heeseung and Yunjin are both looking at you expectantly, their attention fully on you in a way that makes you regret opening your mouth at all. But it’s too late now, so you just exhale, pressing your fingers against your temples before muttering, "My mom called."
Yunjin snorts. "Yeah, we got that much. What did she want?"
You roll your eyes, but the annoyance in your chest is directed at yourself more than anything else. "There’s a wedding. My cousin’s. Next weekend."
Heeseung, who had been absentmindedly rolling a bottle cap between his fingers, finally glances up, eyes curious. "You going?"
"Yeah." You sigh again. "Didn’t really have a choice. If I said no, she would’ve found a way to guilt-trip me into oblivion."
Yunjin grins knowingly. "Classic mom move."
You hum in agreement, then hesitate, picking at the hem of your sleeve. "And then she made it weird," you mutter.
Heeseung raises an eyebrow, shifting slightly on the couch so he’s facing you more fully. "How weird?"
You pause for a second, then groan, throwing your head back. "She brought up the fact that I’ve never brought a boyfriend to anything."
Yunjin cackles. She actually leans forward, hands on her knees, cackling. "Oh my God," she wheezes. "That’s so embarrassing for you."
You glare. "Thank you, Yunjin, for your endless support."
But Heeseung doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t tease. He just tilts his head, watching you with an unreadable expression. "She said that?"
You nod, rubbing your temples. "Yeah. She was all, ‘You can bring someone, you know,’ and then just immediately went for the ‘You’ve never brought a boyfriend to anything,’ like I don’t already know that."
Yunjin wipes a fake tear from her eye, still far too entertained. "Damn. She really called you out like that."
"Okay," you deadpan, "I think we’ve established that this is humiliating for me. Can we move on?"
But Yunjin grins, her eyes practically glowing with mischief, and that’s when you know you should have never said anything at all. "Well," she says, stretching out the word, "if it bothers you that much… you could always bring Heeseung."
Silence.
You feel it immediately—the way the air shifts, the way your stomach twists, the way your breath catches for just a second too long. You don’t look at Heeseung. You can’t.
Instead, you scoff, shoving her shoulder. "Oh my God, shut up."
"I’m serious!" she laughs. "It makes sense, doesn’t it? You need a date. Heeseung’s around."
Heeseung is silent. And that—that’s what makes your chest tighten. Because Heeseung is never silent.
You finally force yourself to glance at him, just a flicker, just to see how he’s reacting to this. And when you do, you find him already looking at you—his expression unreadable, his fingers stilling where they had been absently playing with the bottle cap.
Something tightens in your throat. Because it’s one thing to laugh it off. It’s one thing to pretend this isn’t something charged, something delicate, something that feels like standing on the edge of something too big to name.
But Heeseung isn’t laughing.
When you open the door on the wedding day, Heeseung is already leaning against his car, hands tucked into the pockets of his slacks, looking entirely too good for someone who is supposed to be doing you a favor. His hair is neat but still has that slight, careless tousle to it, his sleeves are pushed up just enough to reveal his forearms, and his black dress shirt is criminally well-fitted.
You try very hard not to notice any of that. But Heeseung is looking at you like you just stopped time.
It’s not obvious—he doesn’t say anything right away, doesn’t let his jaw drop like some kind of movie cliché—but his fingers twitch slightly where they’re resting in his pockets, and his throat bobs as he swallows. His eyes move over you in a way that isn’t just admiration but something deeper, something heavier, something that makes your chest feel too tight.
You pretend not to notice that, either. Instead, you lift an eyebrow, shifting your weight onto one foot. "You gonna open the door for me, or are you just gonna stand there?"
Heeseung blinks, snapping out of it. He clears his throat, pushing off the car, his usual smirk creeping back into place. "Right, yeah. My bad."
You roll your eyes, but your face feels warm anyway. The ride starts out easy. The hum of the road fills the space between you, the occasional comment about the directions or a song playing on the radio breaking the silence.
"You, uh," Heeseung starts, his fingers drumming against the steering wheel. "You sure your mom’s gonna be cool with me coming?"
You blink. "What? Yeah, of course. I already told her."
He raises an eyebrow. "You told her?"
"Yeah," you say, adjusting the hem of your dress. "I mean, I talk about you all the time, so it’s not like it’s weird or anything."
Silence. You don’t notice it at first, but when you glance over, Heeseung is staring straight ahead, gripping the wheel a little tighter than before.
And the thing is—Heeseung is not someone who gets flustered easily. He doesn’t trip over his words, doesn’t get all weird when people talk about him. But now, he’s sitting there, completely silent, like his brain just blue-screened.
Because you talk about him all the time. To your mom. His ears burn at the thought.
Because it’s one thing to be close. It’s one thing to be your best friend, to be the person you go to for late-night McDonald’s runs and life-altering conversations on balconies. But it’s another thing entirely to know that he exists in your life even when he’s not there.
That when you’re on the phone with your mom, when you’re recounting your day, when you’re talking about the people who matter—he’s there. And it’s so stupid how much that does to him.
He coughs, forcing himself to sound normal. "Oh. Cool. Yeah. That’s cool."
You snort. "I told her you’re my friend, and that’s it."
Heeseung hums, tapping his fingers on the wheel again. "Yeah. Right."
But for some reason, the word friend doesn’t sit right in his mouth.
The wedding is beautiful. Not in the over-the-top, fairytale kind of way, but in the way that feels real. The ceremony is held outdoors, the late afternoon light draping everything in gold, the air carrying the soft hum of laughter and clinking glasses. There are flowers on every table, music drifting lazily through the air, and a warmth that lingers beneath the chatter of distant relatives catching up.
And you almost forget that you’re here with Heeseung. Almost. Except—you can feel him.
You can feel him next to you at the table, the warmth of his presence settling into your skin. You can feel the way his hand brushes against yours when he reaches for something, the way his eyes flicker toward you when he hears you laugh.
And the worst part is that he looks good as hell.
It’s almost unfair, the way he carries himself. The way his sleeves are still rolled up, the way his shirt is slightly undone at the collar, the way he leans back in his chair, legs stretched out, watching everything unfold like he belongs here.
And for the first time in a long time you don’t know where you stand with him.
Because this is Heeseung. The boy who sends you Shrek memes at 2 a.m. The boy who once argued with a barista about oat milk for a full five minutes. The boy who makes you laugh until you can’t breathe.
But right now? Right now, he’s something else, too. Something that makes your stomach flip. Something that makes you forget how to breathe.
The music shifts. It’s not immediate—not some grand, dramatic moment where the world slows down—but you feel it.
The moment the first notes of the song drift through the air, you feel it in your chest. Like something tightening. Like something pulling at a thread you don’t want to unravel. Because you know this song. Of course you know this song. And so does he.
You don’t even have to look at Heeseung to know he recognizes it too. That he knows exactly what’s playing, that he knows how much you love her, that he knows you’ve played this song before—in his car, in your apartment, in the quiet spaces between friendship and something else.
You know he knows. And yet, he still turns to you, his voice a low murmur beneath the hum of conversation. “Phoebe Bridgers,” he says.
You swallow. “Yeah.” Heeseung hums, watching you carefully. His fingers drum lightly against the table, slow and steady, in time with the beat of the song. Then, after a second—
"You should dance with me."
You blink. You blink again. Your stomach twists. “What?”
Heeseung shrugs, like it’s nothing. Like it doesn’t mean anything. “You love this song.”
Which—okay. That’s true. But this is not a song you dance to. This is a song you listen to alone, in your room, in the quiet, when it’s too late and you’re too restless and you’re thinking about things you shouldn’t be thinking about.
This is not a wedding song. And yet, Heeseung is still looking at you like that, like this is a dare, like he’s waiting for you to say no, to call him out, to pull away before it’s too late.
And yet, his hand is outstretched, waiting, patient, warm. And yet— You take it. You don’t think, you just do it, just let yourself be pulled. And Heeseung holds you like he’s afraid to press too hard.
One hand on your waist. The other clasping yours loosely, like he’s letting you decide how close to be. Like he’s still waiting for you to laugh and push him away and say, ‘This is so stupid’.
But you don’t. You just breathe. You just exist here, in this moment, with him.
If you were a waiting room, I would never see a doctor
I would sit there with my first-aid kit and bleed
Your throat tightens. Because God, this song.
Because you know every lyric by heart, because you know what it means, because there’s something about it that always makes you feel like you’re standing in the middle of something you’ll never quite have.
And now, here you are, dancing to it with him.
Heeseung exhales softly, tilting his head toward you. “You ever think about that?”
You blink. “Think about what?”
His fingers twitch slightly against your waist. “How music reminds you of people.”
Your stomach flips. Because of course you do. Of course, you think about it. Of course, this song, this moment, this whole damn night is going to be tied to him now, forever, no matter what happens after.
You nod. “Yeah,” you say quietly. “I think about it.”
Heeseung hums, like that makes sense. Like he already knew what you were going to say. Then—
"Does this song remind you of me?"
Your breath catches. The air between you thickens.
Because that shouldn’t be a question. Because he already knows the answer. Because you’re standing here with him, swaying to a song that makes your chest ache, and you know, you know he hears the lyrics just as clearly as you do.
I wanna be the broken love song that feeds your misery.
You clear your throat, forcing yourself to sound normal. “Maybe.”
His lips twitch. “Maybe?”
You narrow your eyes. “Don’t push it.”
Heeseung laughs, soft, breathless. And God, you hate him.
You hate the way he makes everything feel like a game, like he’s always hovering right at the edge of something and waiting for you to push him over. You hate that it’s working.
And when broken bodies are washed ashore—who am I to ask for more?
You shiver. Because this is the part of the song that gets to you every time. Because who are you to ask for more?
Who are you to ask for something that maybe, just maybe, was never meant to be yours? But then Heeseung, of all people, says “I think this song reminds me of you, too.”
Your heart stops. You look at him, and he’s already looking at you, and suddenly this doesn’t feel like pretending anymore.
This doesn’t feel like something you can laugh off. Because Heeseung is serious.
Because his hand is still on your waist, his fingers still brushing against the fabric of your dress, his breath still warm against your cheek, and you don’t know how to go back from this. You don’t know if you want to.
Heeseung shifts slightly, his grip tightening for just a second. “You ever think about it?”
You blink. “Think about what?”
Heeseung hesitates, his eyes flickering over your face. His jaw tightens—just barely.
"Us."
Your stomach drops.
Because he says it so simply, like it’s nothing, like it’s a passing thought, like he hasn’t just destroyed your entire world in one syllable. Us. The word sits heavy in the air between you, impossible to ignore, impossible to pretend you didn’t hear.
Heeseung doesn’t move, doesn’t look away, doesn’t do anything to make this easier for you. He just keeps holding you, keeps swaying with you, keeps waiting—like he has all the time in the world.
You want to say something.
You want to throw your head back and laugh it off, tell him he’s being ridiculous, tell him to stop playing with you. You want to scoff and roll your eyes and pretend that the thought of you and Heeseung has never crossed your mind, that it hasn’t been haunting you for years, that it hasn’t been living under your skin since the first time he looked at you like you were something worth remembering.
But you can’t. Because this is Heeseung. Because he knows you too well, because he’d hear the lie in your voice, because there is nowhere left to hide when he’s looking at you like this.
So instead, you stall. You breathe in, slow and careful, and say, "What about us?"
It’s a cheap move. A pathetic attempt at deflection. And Heeseung knows it.
He exhales, the ghost of a laugh slipping past his lips, his fingers tightening ever so slightly on your waist. "You know what I mean."
You glance down at your hands, the way your fingers are still laced together with his, the way your other hand rests so easily on his shoulder, like this is something you’ve done a thousand times before. And maybe you have.
Maybe you and Heeseung have always been dancing around each other like this. Maybe you’ve just never let yourself notice. The song keeps playing, keeps taunting you, keeps threading its meaning between your ribs, pulling you closer and closer to something you don’t know how to name.
I wanna make you drive all night just because I said, maybe you should come over
You let out a slow breath, forcing your voice to stay steady. "We’re friends, Heeseung."
He hums. "Yeah. We are."
But he doesn’t let go.
He doesn’t move away, doesn’t drop his hand from your waist, doesn’t step back into the safe distance you’re used to. He stays. And that’s the part that gets you.
Because if he really believed that was all this was, he wouldn’t be holding you like this. If he really believed that was all this was, he wouldn’t have asked the question in the first place.
You glance up at him again, searching, waiting for him to say something else, to give you an out, to change the subject, to laugh and let it go. But he doesn’t. He just watches you. And suddenly, you feel exposed in a way you never have before.
Like every late-night conversation, every half-smile, every almost has been leading here, to this moment, to this song, to this feeling that you don’t know how to escape. You force yourself to swallow.
"Why are you asking me this?" you murmur, your voice barely above a whisper.
Heeseung tilts his head slightly, considering you, considering his words.
"Because I think about it, too."
Your breath catches in your throat. Your fingers tighten against his shoulder. Your heart slams against your ribs.
You feel like the whole world has shrunk down to just this. To the space between your bodies, to the way he’s looking at you, to the fact that he thinks about it, too.
Heeseung’s fingers twitch slightly against yours, but he doesn’t let go. He’s watching you with this careful intensity, like he’s waiting for something, like he’s giving you the chance to decide what happens next.
And that’s the problem.
Because you don’t know what happens next.
Because you’ve spent years existing in this strange, untouchable place with him, in this in-between, in this waiting room of a relationship that never moves forward but never lets you leave either.
And now, suddenly, here you are. Standing on the edge of something irreversible.
She'll be the best you ever had if you let her
Your heart stumbles. Because this song knows too much.
Because this song feels too much like the two of you, like something ripped from your ribs and put into lyrics, like a truth you weren’t ready to confront. And maybe—just maybe—Heeseung feels it, too.
Because he leans in. Just a little. Just enough.
Not enough to cross the line, not enough to destroy the thing you’ve built, but enough that you can feel the warmth of his breath, enough that the scent of him—clean soap, something faintly woodsy, something entirely him—wraps around you.
Enough that you could close the distance if you wanted to. And God, you do.
But you don’t. Because you’re afraid. Because you don’t know what happens when you let this become real.
Because Heeseung is still looking at you like that, like he could ruin you if he wanted to, like he’s giving you the chance to ruin him first.
I know it's for the better
You exhale, too shaky, too uneven. And Heeseung notices.
His gaze flickers, barely, to your lips, to the space between you, to the way you haven’t moved away from him yet. And then his jaw clenches.
Like he’s just realized how close you are. Like he’s just realized this is about to happen if neither of you stop it. And that’s the thing, neither of you stop it.
Not immediately. Not when his fingers tighten slightly on your waist. Not when your grip on his shoulder trembles just a little. Not when the air between you stretches so thin it might snap in half.
Not until you hear, Know it’s for the better…
The song starts to fade. The moment fractures. And just like that, you both pull away.
Not much. Just an inch, a breath, a single second too late. But it’s enough.
Enough for reality to settle back in. Enough for the noise of the wedding to come rushing back, for the chatter and laughter and clinking glasses to remind you where you are, who you are, what you almost did.
And Heeseung, he knows it, too. You see it in the way his throat bobs, in the way he blinks hard, in the way he forces himself to take a step back, to drop his hand from your waist, to roll his shoulders like he can shake off whatever just happened between you.
The song ends. And neither of you say a word.
And three months later, silence.
At first, it’s subtle—just a missed text here, a conversation that doesn’t last as long as it used to, an inside joke that no longer lands the way it should. But then it becomes something else. Something colder. Something that feels less like a pause and more like a choice.
And that’s what happened to you and Heeseung.
You didn’t stop talking completely. That would have been too obvious, too final, too much like admitting that something had shifted beyond repair. You still sent the occasional meme, still ran into each other at Yunjin’s, still had conversations that skimmed the surface of what they used to be.
But it was different. The late-night McDonald’s runs stopped. The effortless teasing felt strained. The ease of being around each other—the one thing you never questioned—was suddenly gone.
Neither of you did anything about it. You let it happen. Because it was easier that way.
Because acknowledging it meant admitting that something had changed, that you had gotten too close, that something had almost happened that night at the wedding. And you weren’t ready to admit that.
You weren’t ready to ask if Heeseung had almost kissed you, or if you had almost kissed him, or if you had both just been caught in some stupid, fleeting moment that meant nothing at all. So, you didn’t.
And now, three months later, all that’s left is silence.
The rain comes down in sheets, heavy and relentless, drumming against the windows of your apartment. You sit curled up on your couch, blanket wrapped around you, phone abandoned on the coffee table. The storm had rolled in an hour ago, sudden and unforgiving, and now the whole city feels swallowed by it, the streetlights barely visible through the downpour.
Then, there’s a knock at your door. You weren’t expecting anyone. It’s too late, too stormy, too much of a nothing kind of night for visitors.
But something in you knows—before you even open the door, before you even take that first breath—that it’s him.
And it is. It’s Heeseung.
Standing in your doorway, soaking wet, hair plastered to his forehead, breathing unevenly like he just ran here.
You freeze. "Heeseung?"
His eyes flicker over your face, searching, desperate, wild in a way you’ve never seen before. His clothes are damp, sticking to his frame, his hands clenched at his sides. But it’s his expression that gets you.
Like something is breaking inside of him. Like something has already broken.
“I can’t—” His voice catches, hoarse and raw, and then he shakes his head, like words are failing him, like they’re too small for what he’s trying to say.
Your heart is pounding. “Heeseung, what are you—”
"I can’t stop thinking about you."
The words crash into you like a wave, knocking the breath from your lungs. You stare.
Heeseung swallows hard, shaking his head like he’s trying to clear it, like he’s trying to find a way to make you understand.
"I’ve tried," he continues, voice shaking. "I really, really tried. But you’re always there. You’re in every song I hear, in every dumb inside joke, in every single thing that happens to me. I see something stupid and my first thought is always, ‘Y/N would think that’s hilarious.’ I go to text you and then I stop because I don’t know if I’m supposed to anymore. I—"
He lets out a sharp, frustrated laugh, dragging a hand through his wet hair. “I thought if I just gave it time, it would go away. I thought I could just—move past it. But I still feel like I’m standing in that damn Halloween party with you, waiting for something to happen.”
Your throat is tight. “Heeseung—”
“I miss you,” he interrupts, pushing forward, stepping into your space like he’s afraid you’ll shut the door on him if he doesn’t. "I miss you so much it’s making me lose my goddamn mind."
Your pulse is roaring in your ears. You should say something. You should do something. But you can’t. You just stand there, staring at him, your body frozen in place. And Heeseung just keeps talking.
"I don’t know how to be your friend anymore," he admits, wrecked, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don’t know how to sit next to you and act like I don’t want more. I don’t know how to look at you and pretend that you’re not the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. I don’t know how to listen to that fucking song without remembering the way you looked at me that night."
The air is too thick. Your vision is blurring.
Heeseung breathes out a shaky, desperate laugh, his hands curling into fists at his sides. "And the worst part?" He meets your eyes, and it destroys you. "I don’t think I want to stop thinking about you."
And that’s it.
That’s what breaks you. That’s what makes you move.
You don’t think. You don’t hesitate.
You step forward, grab the front of his stupid wet shirt, and kiss him.
The storm rages outside. And for the first time in three years, neither of you pull away.
The moment your lips crash into his, Heeseung stumbles back a step, caught off guard, but then he’s pulling you closer, like he’s been waiting for this forever.
His hands cup your face, fingers threading into your hair, holding you like you might disappear if he lets go. And you grip the front of his shirt like it’s the only thing keeping you standing, like if you let go, the moment might shatter around you.
Heeseung sighs into the kiss, like he’s relieved, like this is something he’s needed more than breathing itself. He tilts his head, deepening it, and you melt into him, the heat of his mouth sending shivers down your spine.
It’s surreal, familiar and foreign all at once, like stepping into a dream you’ve had before but never been able to hold onto. Because this is Heeseung. The boy who has always been by your side, the boy who has spent years making you laugh until your stomach hurts, the boy who has always been a constant in your life.
But now, he’s something else too. Now, he’s the only thing you can feel. And that’s the strangest part, how utterly consuming this is. Because your brain is struggling to keep up, still caught in the absurdity of it—Heeseung is kissing me, I’m kissing Heeseung, this is happening, this is happening.
And then he moves forward, stepping into the apartment fully, finally, his hands still tangled in your hair, still refusing to let you go. The door clicks shut behind him, the sound almost lost beneath the roar of the storm outside.
Heeseung doesn’t hesitate. His lips find yours again, his hands skimming over your waist, like he’s memorizing the shape of you, like he’s trying to make up for all the time he spent pretending he didn’t want this. And you can’t breathe. Because this isn’t like any kiss you’ve ever had before.
You’ve kissed people you liked. You’ve kissed people you thought you could love. But you have never, never felt this. This heat, this ache, this impossible, indescribable pull. Like your entire life has been leading up to this moment.
Like every other kiss you’ve had before this was just a poor imitation of what it was supposed to feel like. And that’s terrifying. Because how do you go back after this? How do you pretend this doesn’t mean something?
Heeseung exhales against your lips, his breath uneven, his fingers tightening just slightly against your waist. Like he’s thinking the same thing, like he’s struggling just as much as you are to make sense of this.
You should stop. You should pull away, take a breath, process. But you can’t.
Because he tilts his head, kisses you deeper, and suddenly, you’re walking backward without realizing it, your body moving on instinct, your hands clutching at his shirt as if he’s the only thing keeping you steady. Heeseung follows, one hand sliding down to rest against the small of your back, guiding you without thinking, without hesitation.
Your legs hit the couch. You stumble slightly, your balance faltering for the first time, and Heeseung, on pure reflex, catches you. His hands tighten instantly, pulling you against him, steadying you before you can fall.
But the movement leaves zero space between you. You can feel everything, his chest rising and falling against yours, the heat radiating off of him, the way his fingers twitch slightly where they’re curled into the fabric of your shirt.
His breath brushes against your lips, his nose bumping against yours as you both hover, just for a moment, just long enough to realize how close you are, just long enough to make it worse.
Before you can stop yourself, before you can think, you kiss him again. This time, it’s slower. This time, it’s deeper. This time, it’s not about the rush, the adrenaline, the storm raging outside. This time, it’s about everything else.
About the way his hands move carefully now, like he’s trying to remember every single detail, about the way he tilts his head slightly to fit his mouth against yours like he’s done this a thousand times in his head, about the way he lets out a soft, wrecked sound when you slide your fingers up into his still-damp hair. And you’re drowning in him.
You fall back onto the couch, pulling him with you, and he follows without hesitation, bracing himself with one hand on the cushion beside you, the other still gripping your waist, his fingers trembling just slightly against your skin.
His lips leave yours only for a second, just long enough for him to breathe, just long enough for his eyes to flicker over your face, like he’s trying to memorize you at this moment.
And then, so softly you almost don’t hear it—
“Tell me you want this.”
Your breath catches. Because God, you do. You do. You always have. So you don’t say anything. You just pull him down and kiss him again.
The weight of him settles over you, his body pressed against yours, his hands everywhere and nowhere at once—on your waist, your ribs, twitching like he doesn’t know where to hold you first, like he doesn’t want to stop touching you long enough to decide.
It's overwhelming. His warmth, his scent, the soft, unsteady breaths he exhales between kisses, the way his fingers slide under the hem of your shirt just slightly, just enough to brush against bare skin. It’s careful. Hesitant. Like he’s testing something fragile.
Heeseung groans softly, his grip tightening, his lips parting against yours in a way that sends a full-body shiver down your spine. His hands move up your sides, down to your hips, fingers pressing into the fabric of your clothes like he wants to commit this exact moment to memory. You arch just slightly, chasing his warmth, and the movement makes Heeseung suck in a sharp breath, his forehead pressing briefly against yours.
“You’re gonna kill me,” he mutters.
You laugh, breathless, hands sliding up into his hair, tugging just enough to make him shudder. “That’s dramatic.”
His lips graze yours again, barely there, just enough to drive you insane. “You have no idea.”
And you could stay here forever—wrapped up in him, in his weight, in the way his lips brush over your jaw, the corner of your mouth, like he’s learning you one kiss at a time.
He shifts just slightly, pressing more of his weight into you, his thigh slipping between yours, and your breath catches. Heeseung notices immediately. You feel it in the way his body tenses, in the way his grip on your waist tightens, in the way he exhales shakily against your cheek.
You don’t move. He doesn’t move. The air changes. Slows. Thickens. And suddenly, it’s not just kissing anymore. Suddenly, it’s so much more than that. It’s every feeling you’ve been ignoring, every second of the past three years, every single moment leading up to this one catching up to you all at once.
And Heeseung feels it too. Because he pulls back, just a little, just enough to look at you properly, his expression wrecked. His fingers brush against your cheek, light, careful, like he’s waiting for you to tell him to stop. Like he’s scared of what happens if you don’t.
You stare up at him, breathless, your pulse pounding in your ears, and— God, he’s beautiful.
His hair is still damp from the rain, strands falling over his forehead in a way that makes him look softer. His lips are kiss-bruised, parted slightly as he catches his breath, his chest rising and falling in time with yours.
You exhale slowly, one hand sliding down his chest, feeling the way his heart slams against his ribs, and he shudders. You know what this means. You know there’s no going back after this. So you whisper—soft, shaky, everything all at once—
"Heeseung."
And that’s all it takes.
Heeseung exhales—a shaky, uneven breath, like he’s barely holding himself together. His fingers tighten slightly where they rest on your waist, his body still hovering over yours. Then, softly, barely above a whisper—
"Say my name again."
Your stomach flips. You don’t, not at first. Because you feel lightheaded, because this is Heeseung, because what the hell is happening right now?
But Heeseung isn’t impatient. He doesn’t push. He just watches you, his gaze flickering over your face—your lips, your eyes, the way your breath catches in your throat. And then, carefully, deliberately, he grabs your wrist.
Your breath hitches as he lifts your hand, as he guides it slowly, until your palm is pressed flat against his chest. You can feel it. His heartbeat. It’s slamming against his ribs, too fast, too unsteady, completely out of control.
You stare at your hand, at where it rests over his racing pulse, at the way his skin burns beneath your touch. Heeseung swallows hard.
"You feel that?" he murmurs, his voice low, rough, wrecked.
And you do, because it’s all you can feel, because it’s like his entire body is responding to you, and you nod, your fingers twitching slightly against his shirt.
Heeseung lets out a breath like he’s relieved, like he needed you to know this, to feel this, to understand what you do to him. Then, slowly, carefully, giving you every chance to stop him, he leans down, brushing his lips against the curve of your jaw. You suck in a breath, your eyes fluttering shut as he moves lower, pressing the softest, slowest kiss to the side of your neck. Your fingers curl against his shoulders, your pulse hammering beneath your skin, and he feels it.
“Heeseung,” you breathe, and it’s embarrassing how it comes out, a little too soft, a little too needy, like you’re already losing yourself in him.
He shudders, letting out a sharp breath. “Fuck—”
Then, his teeth graze your pulse point, and you gasp, back arching instinctively into him. Your hips shift beneath his, your hands moving without thinking, fingers grasping at the hem of his hoodie, your skin itching for more of him, more warmth, more of everything.
Heeseung lets you. He lets you push the fabric up, lets you brush your fingers over the bare skin of his stomach, lets you feel the way his muscles tense under your touch. He exhales a groan, head dropping to your shoulder like you’ve just taken the breath right out of him.
He murmurs your name, voice strangled, his fingers digging into your waist as if you’ve completely unraveled him. You suck in a breath, your hands still fisting his hoodie.
“I want to hear you,” he admits, so quietly, like he almost wasn’t planning to say it out loud. “I want to—”
He cuts himself off with another soft groan as you push the hoodie all the way up, your fingers skimming over his bare chest before you finally tug it over his head. It hits the floor with a soft thud, but you barely register it.
Because Heeseung is above you, half-naked, breathing heavy, flushed, and looking at you like you’re the only thing in the world that exists. You don’t know what to do with yourself. So you just stare up at him, breathless, waiting. And then, finally, you whisper—
"Heeseung, tell me what you want."
Heeseung exhales sharply, his breath warm against your skin, his fingers still pressing into your waist like he’s trying to ground himself, steady himself, like he’s trying not to lose his mind completely.
His hand slides up, fingertips grazing your ribs, slow and deliberate, and you shudder beneath him. His thumb brushes the fabric of your shirt, his touch gentle but knowing, and he meets your eyes, and God, he looks ruined.
"I want—" He starts, but then he laughs breathlessly, shaking his head like he can’t believe himself, like this is too much, like you are too much. His hands are still moving, still exploring, still teasing at the fabric of your shirt, still making your body burn in ways you’ve never felt before. "I want all of you."
Your stomach flips. Because he’s not even touching you properly, and yet it’s the way he says it, the weight of his voice, the truth in it, that makes your pulse stutter.
And then, before you can respond, before you can tease him for how wrecked he sounds, his hands move, slow and deliberate. Fingers slipping under the hem of your shirt, pushing it up, knuckles skimming over your stomach, over your ribs, over every single inch of skin he reveals as he goes.
Your breath stutters, your body arching up into his touch. His jaw clenches, his lips part, and then he’s leaning down, pressing his mouth to your collarbone, trailing featherlight, open-mouthed kisses along your skin as he slowly tugs your shirt over your head.
And then, finally, your shirt joins his hoodie on the floor. And suddenly, you’re both bare and breathless, staring at each other like you don’t know what to do next, even though you both know exactly what’s about to happen.
"Heeseung," you whisper, and his eyes flicker, dark, burning, like your voice alone is enough to unravel him.
"You’re not making this easy," he murmurs, his fingers skimming up your sides, his thumb brushing along your ribs, his body pressing down just slightly, just enough to feel how perfectly he fits against you.
Your breath catches. "Good."
And that ruins him. Heeseung groans, low and deep, and then he’s leaning down again, lips trailing along your jaw, down your neck, to your collarbone, soft, open-mouthed kisses, slow and deliberate, like he’s savoring every single second. His voice is strained, thick with something raw, something undeniable.
"You feel so good."
You whimper at his words, your nails digging into his shoulders, and Heeseung reacts immediately, his hips pressing down, his body slotting perfectly against yours, his breath catching as he feels you, all of you, right there beneath him.
"Shit," he mutters, his head dropping to your shoulder, his hands gripping your waist like he needs something to hold onto. You’re both breathless now, bodies pressed so close there’s no space left between you, every single movement sending heat crashing through your veins. "You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this."
Your heart stumbles. Because neither of you were supposed to say it. Neither of you were supposed to acknowledge it. But now—it’s out there. And there’s no taking it back.
And then Heeseung looks at you, really looks at you. His eyes, dark and hooded with something deeper than just desire, trace every inch of your face, your parted lips, the flush spreading down your neck, the way your chest rises and falls, rapid and uneven beneath him.
“You’re…” He swallows hard, his voice thick with something close to reverence. “God, you’re so beautiful.”
His hands move lower, squeezing your thighs before dragging up again, pushing your legs further apart beneath him. Heeseung exhales sharply, his pupils blown wide as he takes in the way you look beneath him, flushed, needy, completely and utterly his for the taking.
“Fuck.” His voice is raw, thick with barely restrained need. “You’re perfect.”
His mouth finds your collarbone, lips hot and insistent as he moves lower, tasting, worshiping. His tongue flicks over the sensitive skin, his teeth grazing lightly before he sucks, leaving a mark. His fingers dig into your skin as he rolls his hips down against yours, pulling a sharp gasp from your lips. He watches, fascinated, as your body reacts to his, as your fingers clutch at his arms, as your lips part with another breathy whimper that shoots straight through his bloodstream.
“You like that?” he murmurs, dragging his lips up to your ear, his voice nothing but a low rasp. “Like feeling me this close?” You nod, but it’s not enough. Heeseung needs to hear you say it. “Tell me,” he demands, his fingers tightening just enough to make you squirm.
“Yes,” you gasp, your voice barely more than a breath.
Heeseung smirks against your skin, the sound of your desperation fueling the heat building between you. “Good.” His lips trail back down, kissing, tasting, exploring every inch of you. “Because I’m not done with you yet.”
Heeseung hovers over you, his breath warm against your skin as his hands trail lower, fingers grazing the waistband of your pants. His fingers toy with the fabric at your hips, teasing. His voice, when he speaks, is deep and laced with restraint.
“Can I take these off?”
His eyes flick up to meet yours, and the sight of him like this—his lips swollen, his gaze dark with barely contained desire, sends a shiver down your spine. Your stomach tightens, heat curling low in your belly as you whisper, “Yes.”
And the second the word leaves your lips, Heeseung exhales sharply, like he’s been holding back this whole time. His hands move with deliberate slowness, sliding under the waistband, his fingers warm and firm against your hips as he starts to pull your pants down.
His hands guide your pants lower until they slip past your thighs, pooling somewhere near your ankles, and he takes his time, his lips pressing slow, reverent kisses along the soft skin of your lower belly, just above the edge of your underwear.
He groans against your skin, his voice husky. “You have no idea how good you look right now.”
His hands splay over your thighs, his lips follow the same path, pressing kisses, biting gently, dragging his tongue across the warmth of your skin as he moves lower. You let out a shaky breath as he spreads your legs just a little more, his fingers gripping, massaging, his lips marking every inch of your inner thighs as he inches closer to where you need him most.
Heeseung hums against your skin, his breath hot, teasing. “So soft,” he murmurs, his voice dripping with admiration, with hunger. His hands squeeze your thighs, his fingers digging in just enough to make you arch slightly. “So perfect.”
His lips brush dangerously close to the edge of your underwear, his nose nuzzling against the sensitive skin just beside it, inhaling deeply like he wants to drown in you. His grip tightens. His lips part, and he looks up at you.
The sight of him between your legs, hair messy, lips swollen, his dark eyes filled with something you can’t quite name—it’s almost too much.
His voice is thick, teasing but affectionate. “You’re shaking,” he notes, his thumb brushing the inside of your thigh in slow, soothing circles.
Your breath catches. “Because of you.”
Heeseung groans softly, his hands gripping tighter, his lips trailing higher again, back to your hip, back to your stomach, his teeth scraping lightly against the sensitive skin there. “You have no idea how much I love hearing that,” he murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper.
Slowly, he starts to move up. His fingers slide up to cup your face, his thumb brushing softly over your cheek, like he needs to feel every part of you, like he’s grounding himself in your presence. He exhales sharply, his forehead resting against yours for the briefest second, like he’s gathering himself, like he’s trying to hold back.
“I need to taste you,” he murmurs, his voice nothing but a raw, desperate rasp. “Please.”
Your breath stutters, your fingers gripping onto his arms, feeling the tension coiled tight beneath his skin. You swallow hard, trying to steady yourself, but the truth is, you want this just as much.
“I need to hear you say it,” he murmurs.
Your pulse is a pounding rhythm against your ribs, your whole body thrumming with heat, but somehow, you manage to find your voice.
“Yes,” you whisper. “I want it. I want you.”
Heeseung groans, his grip tightening for just a second before he’s moving again, kissing down your neck, your collarbone, your chest. His hands slide back down your body, slow and deliberate, like he’s savoring every inch of you.
And then he’s sinking back down between your thighs, his eyes never leaving yours, his hands parting your legs with a reverence that makes your head spin.
Heeseung grips the hem of your underwear between his fingers, his breathing ragged, his hands slightly trembling as he looks up at you. His eyes search yours, dark and full of something raw. “Can I?” His voice is hushed, reverent, like a prayer whispered into the silence.
Your chest rises and falls in quick, shallow breaths, as you nod. “Yes,” you murmur.
Heeseung exhales, almost like he’s relieved, like he was afraid you’d stop him. Then, with slow, deliberate movements, he slides the fabric down your legs, his fingers grazing your skin as he does, his touch both featherlight and electric.
And then he sees you. His breath catches in his throat, his hands tightening slightly around your thighs as he takes you in. His gaze, hooded and heavy with admiration, rakes over you like he’s trying to commit every inch of you to memory, like he can’t quite believe you’re real.
“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath, his voice almost disbelieving.
The way he’s looking at your body, so intense, so completely captivated, sends a flush of heat racing up your spine. Your instincts kick in, your legs twitching slightly as the urge to close them overtakes you. But Heeseung doesn’t let you.
His hands move quickly, firm but gentle as he grips your thighs, keeping you open for him. “Don’t hide from me,” he murmurs. “You’re fucking perfect.”
Your breath hitches, your whole body thrumming under his touch. Heeseung leans in, lips ghosting over your inner thigh, his breath hot against your already burning skin. He looks up at you again, his eyes locking onto yours, and what he says next sends a sharp pulse of anticipation straight through your core.
“I’m going to make you feel so good,” he promises, his voice low, edged with something sinful. “So good that you’ll never forget me.”
And then he dips down. The first press of his mouth against your clit is enough to steal the air from your lungs. Warm, wet, hungry—Heeseung doesn’t just touch, he devours. His tongue moves slow at first, tasting you, savoring every single reaction you give him.
You gasp, arching against him, your body already trembling from the sheer intensity of his touch. Heeseung groans against you, the sound vibrating through your core, sending shockwaves up your spine. His grip on your thighs tightens, his fingers digging into your flesh as he keeps you exactly where he wants you.
“You taste so fucking sweet,” he murmurs, voice muffled against your heat. “Just like I knew you would.”
Your moans come freely now, breathy, desperate, the pleasure crashing over you in waves as Heeseung works you open with his mouth. He hums against you, pleased, lost in you, whispering praise between every stroke of his tongue. “So good for me.” Kiss. “So fucking perfect.” Lick. “You’re mine.” Suck.
And when you whimper his name, broken and pleading, Heeseung only grips your thighs tighter and pulls you even closer, determined to ruin you completely.
Heeseung groans against you, the vibrations sending a shiver up your spine as he keeps his mouth latched onto your clit, sucking, licking, savoring you like he’s starving. Then, slowly, he moves one hand between your legs, his fingers tracing a teasing path through your slick folds. You shudder, your hips instinctively bucking at the sensation, and Heeseung chuckles, a low, rough sound against your skin.
“So wet for me,” he murmurs, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to your inner thigh before glancing up at you through dark lashes. “So fucking perfect.”
And then he presses a finger inside you. The stretch is slow, deliberate, his touch both gentle and utterly devastating as he sinks into your heat. You gasp sharply, your walls fluttering around him, and Heeseung groans, low and guttural.
“Fuck,” he hisses, watching the way you take him in. His finger curls inside you, testing, feeling. “You’re so tight, baby.”
The words send another wave of heat crashing through you, your body tightening at the sheer hunger in his voice. Heeseung doesn’t stop, he eases his finger in deeper as he continues working you open, his tongue never once leaving your clit. Your back arches, your fingers tangling in his hair, and Heeseung groans again, the sound muffled as he devours you, the heat of his mouth sending you spiraling closer to the edge.
“Heeseung—” His name slips from your lips, breathless, desperate.
Heeseung growls against you, deep and possessive, and you swear you can feel the sound reverberate through your entire body. His grip tightens, his pace quickens, his finger thrusting deeper, curling, coaxing pleasure out of you with every calculated stroke.
And then he adds a second finger. Your body tenses, the stretch just enough to make you whimper, and Heeseung groans at the way you clench around him.
“You’re taking me so well,” he praises, his voice thick, raspy, dripping with admiration. “So fucking perfect for me.”
His lips wrap around your clit again, sucking hard, and your body seizes, heat curling so tight inside you that you can’t hold back any longer. Heeseung feels it, and he sucks harder, pumps his fingers deeper, his other hand pressing down on your stomach to keep you still as your moans turn into cries, your body trembling beneath him.
“Cum for me,” he murmurs against your skin. “Let me feel it.”
And you do. The pleasure slams into you all at once, stealing the breath from your lungs, leaving you gasping as your body locks up, your thighs trembling around his head. Heeseung doesn’t stop, he keeps licking, keeps sucking, drawing every last drop of pleasure from you as you fall apart beneath him.
Your body shudders, aftershocks rippling through you, and Heeseung finally slows, his touch turning soft, reverent, as he presses one last lingering kiss to your sensitive clit before pulling back.
He looks up at you then, his lips glistening, his pupils blown wide, his breath ragged. And then he smirks, his voice low and utterly wrecked.
“Told you I’d make you feel good.”
You smile softly, but before you can even reach for him, he moves, fast, precise. A startled gasp escapes your lips as he manhandles you, lifting you effortlessly off the couch, your legs instinctively wrapping around his hips, his hands gripping your thighs with a possessiveness that sends a shiver through your entire body. His hold on you is strong, unwavering, his fingertips pressing into your skin like he’s afraid to let go.
You cling to him, your arms locking around his shoulders as he carries you with ease, moving through the dimly lit apartment. Your lips find his neck, tasting the warmth of his skin, inhaling his scent. The closeness, the heat between your bodies, makes you whimper softly against his throat.
And Heeseung groans. A low, deep sound that rumbles in his chest as he grips you tighter, his pace quickening like he’s growing just as desperate as you are.
Because this isn’t just anyone. This is Heeseung.
The boy who has been stitched into your life for years, who has laughed with you, argued with you, known you in ways no one else has. This is the person you love most in the world—and you’re finally having him like this for the first time. The thought makes you cling to him even harder, your lips trailing messily along his jaw, your fingers gripping at his shoulders, needing more, needing all of him.
When Heeseung reaches your bedroom, he doesn’t hesitate. He kneels onto the bed with you still wrapped around him, letting your back sink into the soft mattress as he gently lays you down, his body hovering over yours.
His breath is heavy, his chest rising and falling as he looks down at you, his gaze deep, searching. His Bambi-like eyes, so wide, so full of something tender, something real, hold you in place more than his body ever could.
His hands, still gripping your thighs, slowly loosen, his fingers tracing gentle patterns along your skin. Like he’s memorizing you. Like he’s realizing, holy shit, this is happening.
And then, without breaking eye contact, he reaches for his belt. The soft sound of the buckle unfastening fills the space between you, followed by the quiet rustle of fabric as he pushes his pants down, revealing his bare skin, the strong lines of his toned body, every inch of him that you’ve never seen before but already crave more than anything.
You exhale sharply, your eyes dragging over him, admiring the way the soft glow of your bedroom light casts shadows over his sculpted stomach, the definition in his arms, the sharp cut of his hips. He’s breathtaking. And every second that passes, the ache inside you grows, the need twisting tighter and tighter.
You swallow hard, your voice soft but certain when you finally whisper, “I didn’t know I needed you this much until now.”
Heeseung stills. For a moment, his breath catches, his fingers twitching where they rest against your skin. The flush that spreads across his cheeks, blooming down his neck, his lips part slightly, his eyes flickering between yours, something breaking, something giving way inside him.
Then he looks down at you again. And this time, his gaze is molten. Dark, intense, filled with something raw and unfiltered as he leans down, his lips hovering just above yours.
“I think,” he whispers, his voice low, breathless, “I’ve always needed you like this.”
And then he kisses you. Deep, slow, pouring everything into it, every ounce of longing, every unsaid word, every moment spent waiting for this. His hands roam, tracing the curves of your body, feeling, memorizing.
The moment you feel him, thick and hard against your aching core, you let out a soft, needy moan against his lips. Heeseung still has his underwear on, but the heat of him, the way his hips press down, grinding slowly against you, makes your body arch instinctively, chasing the friction.
Heeseung groans into the kiss, deep and guttural, the sound vibrating against your lips. His teeth catch your lower lip, tugging gently, before he soothes the sting with a slow, lingering kiss.
Your hands wander, trailing down his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin, the firm ridges of his toned stomach, lower, until your fingers reach the waistband of his underwear.
Your breathing is ragged, your body thrumming with anticipation as you whisper, “Please, take this off.”
Heeseung curses under his breath, his body tensing above you. He doesn’t want to tease you, doesn’t want to drag this out. He wants you just as much, he needs you just as badly. Without hesitation, he pushes his underwear down, freeing himself completely. The air between you thickens, the weight of the moment settling in as his bare body hovers over yours, his skin flushed, his muscles taut with restraint.
You lean in, hands splaying across his chest, feeling the rapid rise and fall of his breath. Your fingers trace every inch of him, his collarbones, the defined lines of his stomach, the dip of his lower abdomen, moving lower. But before you can go further, Heeseung catches your wrist. His grip is firm but gentle, his breathing heavy, his eyes dark and searching as he looks at you.
“Y/N,” he murmurs, voice hoarse. “I need to ask you…” He swallows hard, his thumb brushing slow circles against your wrist, like he’s grounding himself in your touch. “Are you totally sure?”
Your chest tightens at the rawness in his voice. His expression—so open, so vulnerable—makes your heart clench.
“Because once this happens,” he continues, his forehead nearly touching yours, “I’m not ever letting you go.”
And there it is. The unspoken truth, finally laid bare between you. This isn’t just a night of pleasure. This isn’t just a long-overdue release. This is everything.
Your lips part, your throat tightening with emotion, and for a second, you can only stare at him, overwhelmed by how much he means to you, how deeply you feel this. Then you whisper, with more certainty than you’ve ever had about anything in your life:
“I’ve never been so sure about something before.”
The moment the words leave your lips, something shifts in Heeseung. His entire body tenses for a beat, then he exhales shakily, like he’s been holding his breath this whole time, like he’s just now letting himself believe this is real.
And then he kisses you. It’s not slow. It’s not careful. It’s hungry, possessive, filled with all the pent-up emotions neither of you ever dared to voice until now.
His hands slide up your arms, capturing your wrists, pinning them above your head as he presses you deeper into the mattress. His body presses against yours, skin to skin, warmth melting into warmth.
And then you feel it, the tip of his cock, hot and heavy, pressing against your entrance, so achingly close. Heeseung breaks the kiss, his forehead resting against yours, his breath uneven. He looks down between you, his jaw clenched, his grip tightening just slightly on your wrists as if this is the moment he’s been waiting for all his life.
His voice is nothing but a hushed rasp when he says: “Tell me if it hurts.”
Heeseung lets go of your wrists, his hands sliding down your body with a deliberate slowness, like he’s savoring the feeling of your skin beneath his palms. His fingers find your hips, gripping them gently before one hand moves lower, wrapping around the base of his cock.
He watches you carefully, his gaze dark, hungry, yet filled with something soft, something almost reverent, as he presses the tip against your entrance. He doesn’t push in just yet. Instead, he rolls his hips slightly, dragging himself against your slick folds, teasing, his length brushing against your clit in slow, deliberate strokes. The sensation sends a shiver through you, a breathless whimper escaping your lips as your fingers dig into his biceps, your body tensing in anticipation.
Heeseung groans, his grip tightening around himself as he watches the way your body reacts to him. “Fuck,” he breathes, his voice wrecked. “You’re so wet… so fucking perfect for me.”
Your nails sink deeper into his skin as he finally begins to press inside, the stretch slow and steady, filling you inch by inch. The feeling is overwhelming, him, thick and hot, splitting you open so exquisitely that all you can do is moan softly against his shoulder, your body trembling beneath him.
Heeseung curses under his breath, his forehead dropping to the crook of your neck as he stills, letting you adjust. His hands slide up your sides, fingers grazing over your ribs, your waist, gripping you firmly like he’s afraid to let go.
“You feel so good,” he rasps, pressing a kiss just below your ear. “So fucking good, baby.”
His words send another rush of heat straight through your core, and you can’t help the way your hips shift slightly, taking him even deeper. Heeseung groans at the feeling, his lips parting against your skin.
He lifts his head, searching your face, his eyes filled with both need and restraint. “Is this okay?” he murmurs, his thumb brushing softly over your hip. “Can I move?”
You nod quickly, breathless, your fingers tracing over the muscles of his arms, his shoulders, needing him closer. “Yes,” you whisper. “Please.”
Heeseung exhales sharply, his grip tightening on your hips as he begins to move, rolling his hips in slow, deep thrusts. Your breath stutters, a moan slipping from your lips, and Heeseung loses it.
His movements quicken, his hips snapping against yours, his grip turning bruising as he holds you in place, thrusting deeper, harder. His breath is ragged, his chest heaving, and with every stroke, he sinks further into you, like he’s trying to become a part of you.
“Fuck, baby,” he growls, his voice rough against your skin. “You’re taking me so fucking well. So perfect for me.”
His lips find your jawline, tracing a path down your neck, his tongue flicking against the sensitive skin before he sucks, leaving a mark, claiming you in every way possible. Your moans grow louder, your body arching against him, and Heeseung groans, loving the way you respond to him, the way you cling to him like he’s the only thing keeping you grounded.
His lips travel lower, over your collarbone, down to the valley between your breasts. He kisses, licks, nips, worshiping every inch of you as he keeps thrusting into you, each movement deep and unrelenting.
“You’re mine,” he murmurs against your skin, his voice wrecked, possessive. “Only mine.”
His grip on your hips tightens as he pounds into you, his pace growing desperate, wild, his body completely losing control in you. And all the while, he praises you. “Tighter than I ever imagined.” Thrust “So fucking beautiful.” Kiss “You feel like heaven, baby.” Groan.
His words, his touch, his everything push you closer and closer to the edge, your body trembling beneath him as the pleasure coils tightly inside you, ready to snap. And Heeseung feels it. He knows you’re close. And he’s not stopping until he sends you over the edge.
Your body trembles beneath him, pleasure curling tight inside you, hot and overwhelming. Your fingers cling desperately to his skin, your legs wrapped around his waist, trying to ground yourself against the way he moves, deep, unrelenting, perfect.
“Heeseung—” Your voice is breathless, wrecked. Your nails dig into his back as another wave of pleasure crashes over you. “God, you feel so good.”
Heeseung groans at your words, his hips stuttering for just a second before he leans in, his breath hot against your ear. “You’re such a good girl for me,” he rasps, voice dripping with praise, with something darker, something possessive.
And that’s when you snap. The coil inside you tightens dangerously, winding so tight you know you’re seconds from breaking. But you don’t want to break, not yet.
So, with the last shred of control you have left, you grab Heeseung by the side of his neck, your fingers tangling in the damp strands of his hair, holding him in place. “Let me ride you,” you plead, your voice thick with desperation. “Please.”
Heeseung growls. A deep, guttural sound that sends a shiver through your entire body. His fingers dig into your hips, his thrusts faltering for a moment as your request sinks in. Then, he moves. In one smooth motion, Heeseung shifts, rolling over and pulling you with him. The world tilts, and suddenly, you’re on top, straddling him, his cock still buried deep inside you.
A sharp, choked moan leaves your lips as you feel him fully, the angle changing, the sensation making your entire body tremble.
“Fuck,” Heeseung groans beneath you, his hands flying to your waist, holding you steady as his eyes drag over your body, your heaving chest, the flush painting your skin, the way you’re clenching around him, barely able to contain yourself.
His pupils are blown wide, his lips parted, his entire expression wrecked with need. “You look so fucking beautiful like this,” he murmurs, his voice thick, reverent.
His hands move, Heeseung slides them up your torso, fingers splaying across your ribs before catching your breasts in both hands, squeezing, worshiping. His thumbs flick over your nipples, and the sensation sends another jolt of pleasure straight through you, making you whimper.
“You’re so delicious,” he groans, his thumbs circling your hardened peaks, his hips rolling up slightly into you, making you gasp.
Your head tilts back, your hands bracing against his chest, your body arching into his touch. The heat between you is unbearable, your body already on the edge, but you refuse to let this end too soon.
You start to move, slowly at first, rolling your hips in a deliberate, teasing rhythm, feeling every inch of him stretch and fill you completely. The sensation sends a shiver up your spine, pleasure pooling deep in your stomach as you watch Heeseung’s reaction.
Heeseung groans, his grip on your thighs tightening, fingers digging into your flesh like he’s trying to ground himself, trying not to lose control too soon. His head tilts back for a moment, his chest rising and falling with deep, uneven breaths as he tries to contain himself.
“Fuck,” he grits out, his jaw clenching as his eyes squeeze shut, his muscles tensing beneath your touch. His hands flex on your thighs, squeezing, like he’s trying to hold back, like the feeling of you around him is too much.
But then he opens his eyes, and the second his gaze locks onto you, dark and hooded with raw, unfiltered hunger, your whole body burns. His pupils are blown wide, his lips parted, sweat glistening along his collarbones as he watches you move above him, taking him so perfectly, so effortlessly.
“You’re fucking unreal,” he groans, his voice rough, biting down his lips, barely above a whisper. “Just like that, baby. You feel so fucking good.”
His words send a jolt of pleasure through you, making you clench tighter around him. Heeseung feels it, and his breath hitches, his fingers twitching against your skin.
One of his hands moves from your thigh, sliding up your body, tracing along your stomach, your ribs, before finding the back of your neck. He grips you there, firm but gentle, and pulls you down until your foreheads almost touch, your breath mingling with his.
His other hand stays on your thigh, stroking, soothing, before he snaps. A deep growl rumbles in his chest, and he picks up the pace, his hips rolling up to meet yours, his hands guiding your movements. The pleasure intensifies, your thighs burning with the effort, but Heeseung doesn’t let you slow down.
His hands slide to your hips, gripping hard, his fingers pressing into your flesh as he takes control. And then he slams into you. A sharp, broken moan escapes your lips as he thrusts up, driving deeper, harder, filling you so completely that you swear you might lose your mind.
“That’s it,” he groans, his grip unrelenting as he pounds into you, chasing the feeling of you wrapped so perfectly around him. “Take it, baby. Take all of me.”
His voice, deep, rough, dripping with praise, sends you spiraling, pleasure building, your body trembling under his relentless pace. His mouth finds your jaw, then your neck, leaving open-mouthed kisses along your skin between ragged breaths. His tongue flicks out, tasting the salt of your sweat, and then his teeth graze your pulse point, his lips closing around it as he sucks.
Your fingers claw at his shoulders, your body arching against his, your moans coming faster, higher, completely overwhelmed by the way he’s taking you.
Heeseung doesn’t slow down. His thrusts stay deep, hard, relentless, his grip unyielding as he drives into you, chasing the pleasure building between you both. His hands remain at the back of your neck, keeping you close, keeping you exactly where he wants you, his breath hot against your skin.
He groans, voice wrecked, rough. “Fuck—baby, you feel so good. So fucking perfect.”
His words send another wave of pleasure crashing through you, making your thighs tighten around his hips. You’re close, you can feel yourself unraveling, your body tightening as the coil inside you threatens to snap. And Heeseung knows. He feels it.
His fingers tighten against your skin, his movements growing desperate, erratic, as his own release begins creeping up on him. His forehead presses against yours, his breath uneven, his voice nothing but a strained rasp.
“Cum for me again, baby,” he pleads, his words like fire against your skin. “Let it go.”
The command, the way his voice drips with authority and adoration, is what finally undoes you. A sharp, broken moan rips from your throat as your body tenses, pleasure surging through you like wildfire. Your walls clench around him, pulsing, milking him, and Heeseung loses it.
A deep, guttural groan escapes his lips as he thrusts into you one last time, burying himself deep, his entire body shuddering as he lets go, his release spilling into you. The pleasure crashes over both of you at once, your moans mixing together, filling the room, raw and unrestrained.
And then, stillness.
Your body, still trembling, collapses against his chest, your forehead pressing into the slick heat of his skin. Your breaths are ragged, uneven, matching his as he tries to catch his pace, his chest rising and falling beneath you.
Neither of you speak for a long moment, the silence filled only with the sounds of your slowing breaths, your racing heartbeats.
Heeseung moves his hands, still firm but now gentle, slide down to your lower back, his fingers tracing lazy, soothing circles against your damp skin. His touch is tender, reverent, like he’s memorizing you all over again, like he can’t believe this moment is real.
His lips brush against your hair, barely a whisper of a kiss, before he exhales shakily. And then, he murmurs—soft, breathless, like a vow.
“I’m never letting you go.”
Your chest tightens at the raw emotion in his voice. His arms wrap tighter around you, holding you impossibly close, his hands never stopping their slow caresses against your back. His lips press against the top of your head, again and again, each kiss softer than the last.
“Never,” he whispers. “Never, never, never…”
His words sink into your skin, into your bones, into you. And as you melt further into his embrace, letting the warmth of him envelop you completely, you realize: You never want him to let go.
You slowly lift your head, your breath still uneven, your body still thrumming with the remnants of pleasure.
You meet his eyes, his Bambi-like, doe eyes, wide and full of something so deep, so undeniable, it makes your chest tighten. They glimmer under the dim light of your bedroom, reflecting every unspoken word, every silent confession hanging thick in the space between you.
You let out a breathy, almost disbelieving smile, your gaze sweeping over his face, his flushed cheeks, his damp hair clinging to his forehead, the soft sheen of sweat on his skin. He looks wrecked. He looks perfect.
And he’s looking at you like you’re the only thing in the world that matters.
Heeseung mirrors your smile, soft and hazy, his expression filled with something tender, something so Heeseung that it makes warmth flood your entire body. His hands find your face, large and warm, his knuckles grazing your cheeks in slow, delicate strokes, like he’s trying to memorize the shape of you.
You lean into his touch, nuzzling against his palm, and the way he exhales, soft, shaky, like he’s feeling everything too, sends a shiver down your spine.
Then, barely above a whisper, you say, “I…”
And suddenly, you stop yourself.
Because the weight of what you were about to say hits you all at once.
Your lips part slightly, your throat tightening. The words are right there, sitting heavy on your tongue, aching to spill out. But there’s fear too, fear of what this means, fear of how much this changes everything.
Heeseung notices. His fingers pause against your cheek, his brows twitching just slightly, his gaze flickering between your eyes like he’s searching, trying to read you.
But then, he smiles. Soft, knowing, patient. His thumb brushes over your lower lip, his touch featherlight, his voice a quiet murmur in the space between you.
“I know,” he whispers.
Your breath catches. Because you believe him.
Heeseung has always known you better than anyone, always understood you in ways that no one else could. And right now, in this moment, with the way he’s holding you, looking at you, you realize you don’t have to say it.
Because he already knows.
Heeseung leans in, his nose brushing against yours, his lips hovering just above yours, waiting, giving you the choice. And when you press your lips to his in the softest, most deliberate kiss, you’re telling him everything you couldn’t say in words.
Heeseung sighs into the kiss, his hands sliding down your back, pulling you closer, pressing you against his warmth, his heartbeat steady beneath your palm.
And when you finally pull away, when you rest your forehead against his and breathe him in, you realize: You were never afraid of loving Heeseung.
You were afraid of admitting that you always have.
But now, with his arms around you, his lips brushing against your temple, his heartbeat syncing with yours, you don’t have to be afraid anymore.
Because he’s never letting you go.
And neither are you.
That’s why he stays at your house the next day. And the day after that. And for the few days that follow, until time becomes a blur and neither of you think to question it.
Because how could he leave, how could either of you go back to a world where you weren’t tangled up in each other like this?
The first morning, you wake up wrapped in Heeseung’s arms, your head tucked against his chest, his fingers absentmindedly tracing soft, lazy circles against your back. Neither of you move for a long time. Neither of you want to.
His lips press into your hair, a silent good morning, and you melt into him because it feels natural, because this is Heeseung, your best friend, the boy who has always been a constant, and yet, now, everything is different.
And it’s better. He doesn’t leave. You don’t ask him to.
Instead, you spend the morning like you have a thousand times before: lounging on the couch, talking about nothing, watching movies you’ve seen a hundred times. Except now, there’s a new rhythm, an unspoken understanding.
His fingers brush yours absentmindedly. His arm finds its way around your waist without hesitation. His lips press against your temple between conversations like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
Because maybe, it is.
The second night, he kisses you in the kitchen while you’re making dinner, stealing a taste of the sauce on your lips, grinning when you roll your eyes. The third night, you fall asleep with your fingers intertwined, his breath warm against your neck, his hand resting over your heart like he’s afraid you might slip away in the night. By the fourth day, he’s using your shampoo, leaving his clothes in your drawers, stealing your socks because he swears they’re more comfortable than his own.
By the fifth, you don’t even realize he never went home. Because this is home now. Not the walls. Not the bed. But this. Him. You. Together.
One night, a week after everything changed, you find yourselves in your living room, curled up against each other, laughter spilling into the quiet air.
It feels surreal, how easy this is, how natural. And yet, when you look at him, really look at him, you realize this was never sudden at all. This wasn’t a moment. This was a lifetime in the making.
It was in the late-night phone calls when you both should’ve been asleep. It was in the way he always kept your favorite snacks in his kitchen without thinking. It was in the stolen glances, the inside jokes, the nights spent shoulder to shoulder, pretending you didn’t feel the weight of something more. It was in every single thing before this.
And now that the truth is out in the open, now that you know, you don’t ever want to live in a world where you don’t wake up next to Heeseung. And it doesn’t feel real.
Not because you don’t want it to be—but because it still catches you off guard. The quiet way Heeseung reaches for your hand without thinking. The way his presence in your space isn’t something fleeting, but something constant. Something permanent.
It’s been two weeks since everything changed, and somehow, the world didn’t shift to match it. The sun still rises the same way. Your friends still send memes in the group chat. Life moves on, but now, there’s this.
This is Heeseung pressing a sleepy kiss to your shoulder when he wakes up before you. This is him playing with your fingers absentmindedly when you’re watching something together. This is the way he still teases you the same, still makes fun of you the same, but now he kisses you after like he can’t help it.
Yunjin is the only one who knows.
She had her suspicions, she always had her suspicions, but it became painfully obvious the moment you showed up at her place wearing a hoodie that was at least two sizes too big, one she distinctly remembered seeing Heeseung wear last week.
Which is why, at her birthday party, there’s this lingering tension in the air. It’s subtle, the way you and Heeseung hesitate just slightly when you’re around the others, the way you don’t know if you’re supposed to act like you always have or like something’s changed.
Because something has changed. But the world doesn’t know yet.
You and Heeseung sit at the dining table, pretending everything is normal, pretending that you’re not constantly aware of the warmth of his body next to yours, the way his knee brushes yours every time he shifts.
And then, under the table, he takes your hand. It’s subtle, careful, the warmth of his palm slipping against yours, his fingers threading through yours in a way that makes your stomach flip. Heeseung doesn’t look at you, doesn’t acknowledge it, just holds your hand beneath the table, like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
“Finally,” Sunghoon mutters, watching Heeseung with a knowing smirk.
Heeseung freezes. You both turn to see Sunghoon leaning against the chair next to him, arms crossed, eyes flickering down to where your hands are intertwined beneath the table.
“I was wondering when you were gonna stop being a coward,” Sunghoon teases, nudging Heeseung’s foot under the table. “Took you long enough, man.”
Heeseung groans, dropping his head back against the chair. “Jesus, Sunghoon.”
Sunghoon just grins, clearly enjoying this way too much. “Nah, I’m happy for you guys. But also, I knew you two had something going on.” He points a lazy finger at you. “Your whole ‘we’re just friends’ thing was so fake.”
The table erupts in laughter, and you sigh, shaking your head. But then, Heeseung squeezes your hand, and when you glance at him, he’s already looking at you. Soft. Quiet. Certain. And you realize, this feels right. Being here. Being together. Being this.
The night winds down. People leave. And you end up in Heeseung’s car, the windows slightly fogged from the cold air outside. The soft strum of Waiting Room fills the quiet, the melancholic chords settling deep into your chest.
You watch Heeseung, his hands gripping the wheel loosely, his face relaxed, bathed in the glow of the streetlights.
“Wanna go to McDonald’s?”
You blink. “What?”
Heeseung smirks, eyes flickering to you before turning back to the road. “You heard me.”
A beat of silence. You laugh. “Yeah. I do.”
You order fries and ice cream and talk about the dumbest things. about how Niki's new girlfriend is the worst, about how Jay got too drunk, about how Jake still doesn’t know how to properly pour a drink.
But somewhere between the laughter, somewhere between the way Heeseung licks salt off his fingers and tosses fries into your mouth, somewhere between the way you lean against his shoulder in the drive-thru line.
Heeseung sighs. And then—
“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.”
You still. Your fingers tighten slightly around your drink, your breath catching at the quiet, vulnerable way he says it. And when you turn to look at him, he’s already looking at you, soft, so soft, his gaze deep, searching.
Your chest tightens. “Heeseung…”
He smiles, a little shy, a little unsure. Then, he reaches out, sliding his fingers over yours, his thumb brushing your knuckles.
“I just—” He swallows, then exhales. “I think I’ve loved you this whole time.”
Your breath catches. And in that moment, in the soft hum of the radio, in the glow of the streetlights, in the taste of salt and ice cream and the warmth of Heeseung’s fingers against yours, you know.
“I thought maybe it would go away,” he continues, his lips quirking slightly, like he’s laughing at himself. “Like—it’s just Y/N, right? My best friend.”
You hold your breath, watching him, the streetlights casting soft shadows across his face, making his eyes look even softer, warmer.
“But then,” Heeseung shakes his head, laughing under his breath. “Every time I thought I had it under control, you’d do something stupid, like wear my hoodie and refuse to give it back, or make me watch Shrek 2 for the tenth time, or grab my hand in a crowded room like it was nothing.” He swallows, his voice dropping to something even softer. “And I’d realize—I was never going to stop feeling this way.”
Your chest tightens. Because it’s always been like this, hasn’t it? The quiet kind of love. The kind that slips into the cracks of everyday moments, unnoticed until one day, it’s too big to ignore.
You feel the words sitting heavy in your throat, pressing against your ribs, and when you finally speak, your voice is barely a whisper.
“Heeseung.” He looks at you, his brows lifting slightly, like he’s bracing himself. You take a slow breath, steadying yourself, then squeeze his hand. “I think I’ve loved you this whole time, too.”
The tension in his shoulders dissolves instantly. His lips part, his eyes searching yours like he wants to make sure he really heard you right.
And then, he smiles. Not the teasing kind, not the smirk he throws at you when he’s making fun of you, but something real. Something deep. The kind of smile that says, I know. I knew before you even said it.
You shift closer, your forehead brushing against his, the warmth of his breath mixing with yours. “I don’t know why it took me so long to realize it,” you murmur. “But I do now.”
Heeseung hums, tilting his head slightly. “You sure?”
You laugh softly, rolling your eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Good.” He squeezes your hand, his nose nudging against yours. “Because I would’ve had to spend another three years waiting for you to catch up, and I don’t think I could survive that.”
You groan, shoving his shoulder lightly, and he chuckles, his arms wrapping around you as he pulls you in, pressing a lingering kiss to the top of your head.
And just like that, it’s easy again. The way you tease each other, the way you fit against him, the way you fall back into the rhythm of your friendship except now there’s no pretending.
Now it’s all out in the open. And it’s better.
As Heeseung drives you home, the song still playing softly in the background, your mind drifts back. To three years ago. To that stupid Halloween party where you met, you in your skeleton costume, him in that ridiculous Ninja Turtle onesie.
To the late nights spent working on that Shrek project, arguing about PowerPoint transitions like it was life or death, only to laugh until your sides hurt. To the wedding where he spun you around on the dance floor, looking at you like he already knew, like he was just waiting for you to catch up. To every car ride, every inside joke, every time you almost realized what he meant to you.
Your fingers tighten around his, and Heeseung glances at you, his eyes flickering between you and the road.
“What?” he asks, a small smile tugging at his lips.
You shake your head, but you’re smiling too. “Nothing.”
Because you understand now. Because Waiting Room plays softly in the background, and the lyrics echo in your chest—know it’s for the better.
You do. You know now that keeping Heeseung in your life like this, is the best thing you’ll ever do.
And when Heeseung looks at you, his grip on your hand tightening like he knows too, you realize.
For you, it was worth waiting.
my masterlist 🧦 ☆★ // previous fic
author's note: hey guys! this is my first long fic about heeseung, the first one i've ever written, and i hope you liked it! i know 21k+ words is a lot, but i had so much fun writing it. thank you for reading! <3
ASK TO BE ADDED TO TAGLIST (18+ only. if you’ve already asked to be added, please do not ask again.)
TO BE RELEASED JAN. 26TH, 2025
talking shit and subsequently being challenged to a fight by an ex pro boxer wasn't how rookie jake imagined he'd get the hot ring girl to finally notice him. but on the off chance he doesn't get his shit absolutely rocked, you've offered to be more than just his arm-candy after the big win. (or: snitches get...bitches?)
PAIRING: boxer!jake x ring girl!reader
FT: boxer!heeseung, boxer!bang chan
GENRE: smut (porn with plot, mdni), underground boxer au
CONTENTS: themes of drugs/violence & illegal activity, chan & reader are fwb at the beginning, jake's a horn dog (everyone is tbh), chan's a douchebag (i love him, don't take this personally), ‘omg you're bleeding let me help you!’ scene, talk of sweat/blood (but in a horny way), suggestive massage scene, dom!jake, big d*ck!jake, praise, degr*dation, more tags tba
WC: estimated 10k, currently 6k (teaser’s wc: 575, not proofread/edited)
TEASER UNDER CUT
“i heard what you said in the warm up room, right before chan interrupted.”
how the fuck can you expect jake to recall anything when your soft hands are feeling up his back? his teeth are about to pierce his bottom lip with how hard he bites it, trying to contain the ungodly sounds that want to escape— but when your hands make their way to the nape of his neck, kneading the flesh before curling around the dark tendrils of his hair and lightly scratching through his scalp, just once— he doesn’t care to try and cover up the breathy growl he lets out, because now he’s sure that you’re purposely teasing him.
jake’s eyes open just as you remove your fingers from his scalp, moving them back down to his lats like nothing happened, yet you feel like prey that’s just been caught by a predator with the way jake so unabashedly stares at you, big brown eyes now dark and calculating. you must have a look that gives way to your inward surprise at the sudden switch of power, because jake’s lips raise into a smirk that looks absolutely ravenous.
“and what was that, y/n?” he drawls lowly, sending a shiver down your spine.
“um..th— that,” your gumption has all but been sucked out of you, along with the air in your lungs; the room is thick with tension, and it’s enough to have your brain foggy and words slow to produce on your tongue.
“c’mon, love.” jake croons with a sharp smile, like a wolf luring a rabbit into its open jaws, gleaming teeth and all; you walk willingly into the trap, letting jake cup your jaw and lead you closer by it.
you’re reminded that jake is a boxer: dangerous, lethal and cunning. as you stand before him with his eyes drinking in your body in your tiny uniform— thin, red spandex sports bra doing nothing to hide your tits, shorts hugging every curve and crevice of your ass— making you feel small and vulnerable, you wonder if this is any comparable to how his opponents feel in the ring. you desperately regret not watching his matches, imagining how much hotter he must look when he’s all worked up over a fight, eyes angry and aggressive as he throws punches, sweat clinging to his muscles and dripping down the curve of his adam’s apple— maybe even a bit of blood coloring his pretty face, he looked so fucking sexy with that split lip—
“tell me what you came in here to say, hm?” jake encourages again, pulling you back to reality— the reality that his veiny hands are applying light pressure to your jaw, looking up at you with a hungry gaze.
“you said that..that all you want is…me?” you manage out sheepishly, cheeks burning; jake’s smirk only deepens at your sudden meekness.
“yeah, that’s right, baby. i want you. so fuckin’ bad.”
your blood feels like fire running through your veins, jake’s words setting your body into flames, wanting to let it, him, consume you.
you bite your bottom lip and jake’s eyes immediately follow the movement.
“well, if you win the fight…” you pause, a bit of your usual playfulness coming back as seduction coats your tongue. “i’ll be more than just your arm-candy for the night.”
jake huffs under his breath in disbelief, lightly shaking his head. “you’re such a tease, aren’t you?”
𝓈ynopsis . sim jaeyun and you. a guard and a player? that might not entirely be impossible. he won’t admit to anyone but you that he spared you during the games. he sneaks out in the middle of the night to disguise himself as a player, just. for. you. ✧ ㅤ𝑔enre . squid game au , smut
𝒸ontains . bl00d, mentions of killing, mentions of bodies, unprotected (wrap ur willy,) riding, oral (f & m rec ,) ++ MINORS DNI
𝓅airings . guard!jake x player!reader . a.n :: 1k special! thank u guys so much <33 (yes this is the bathroom scene in more detail…. but no smoking mb) i planned this fic back in 2021 when it first released, but i wasnt writing at the time! this also serves as a birthday gift for @ikeuverse (HAPPY BIRTHDAY)
read :: this isn’t real, simply fiction.
“are they gonna find us?”
“pfft, not a chance.”
RELEASING JAN 27, 11 AM PST
taglist: open!
not adding blank and ageless blogs. please include your age in your bio.
SYNOPSIS; jake sim, bassist of AFTERHOURS and all round terrible guy, so deep in his self absorbed world where everything went his way and everyone fell at his feet. he hardly noticed you moving in next door until he caught a glimpse of you in the hallway. completely uninterested in your neighbour, you did you best to ignore his advances. that was until you found yourself humming along to the songs he practiced every night.
PAIRING; rockstar!jake x reader
GENRE; social media au, angsty we have a lot of cute and funny moments before but I'm so sorry in advance, fluff too though, mature themes throughout, slow burn as fuck!!!
CHARACTERS; enhypen members, riize members, le sserafim members
WARNINGS; lots of swearing, inappropriate jokes, mature themes and sexual content, kys/dark humour jokes (not super extreme though!), mentions of toxic family, toxic relationships, cheating (not jake dw), mentions of anxiety and mental health, assault
START; 04.01.24
END; tbc
TAGLIST; open! send an ask to be added! only those with an age on their blog will be added, must be 18+ please ^^ perma taglist already tagged!
PROFILES; 🌟🤍🌙🎧
TRACK 1; I have a costco membership btw
TRACK 2; man in love taerae
TRACK3; 7 monthly listeners
TRACK 4; what she said!
TRACK 5; love and light [1.3k]
TRACK 6; being penpals in 2024 is crazy
TRACK 7; useless [2.6k]
TRACK 8; go big or go home
TRACK 9; glory hole
TRACK 10; ladies love pathetic men
TRACK 11; humble yourself sunoo
TRACK 12; average at best
TRACK 13; dirty league player
TRACK 14; 3rd grade spelling bee [1.3k]
TRACK 15; which left?
TRACK 16; passenger princess
TRACK 17; he's never offered up his cock before
TRACK 18; send me 10,000 robux
TRACK 19; moots?
TRACK 20; me if you even care
TRACK 21; get the crystals out
TRACK 22; you'll be my first tape
TRACK 23; you've not changed
TRACK 24; I've got you [2.4k]
TRACK 25; code pink
TRACK 26; nurse she's out again
TRACK 27; tongue tied
TRACK 28; I need a fucking death note
TRACK 29; my cock isn't worthy of a popbase article
TRACK 30; you're the first person I think of [2.3k]
TRACK 31; lover boy (jake)
TRACK 32; someone cooked here
TRACK 33; ugly ass outfits
TRACK 34; that . is so scary
TRACK 35; my girl is mad at me hope I die
TRACK 36; calm down mingi
TRACK 37; you're it for me [1.9k]
TRACK 38; yay ❤️
TRACK 39; if I could turn back time I would change it all [1.6k]
SYNOPSIS. As a Formula 1 driver, being competitive is just in Ferrari driver Jake Sim's blood. Perhaps Jake cares about winning too much though, because during his conquest for the world title, he loses you. It isn't until 2 years later when you show up at the Monaco Grand Prix with his main rival, Red Bull driver Park Sunghoon, when Jake finds himself determined to not only fight for the championship, but also to fight for you.
GENRE. fluff, angst, exes to enemies (one-sided ish) to lovers
PAIRING. formula 1 driver! jake x fem! reader
WARNINGS. none in the teaser. in the fic, cursing, mentions of car crashes and accidents, maybe a little suggestive cuz they make out idk...
ESTIMATED RELEASE DATE. late march, early april
WORD COUNT. 20k ish, teaser is 883 words
AUTHOR'S NOTE. well... this will be my second to last fic for the meantime! i'm excited to drop this one. i've been working on it for quite a while now. here's a formula 1 fic starring our very own jake sim :) i hope you enjoy this little teaser, and the taglist is open so just pop in an ask if you'd like to be tagged when i post this <3
TAGLIST IS OPEN, send in an ask if you’d like to be added!
You were the first person that Jake Sim ever loved. You were there at his first Formula 1 race, you were there at his first race win, and you were there for his first world title win. A series of firsts.
But, Jake Sim has first breakup on the list as well.
He always regrets how things ended between you two – it was messy, it was awful, and it left him crying at 3 in the morning in his apartment.
Jake isn’t certain about many things in his life. But what Jake is 100% certain of, is that the breakup was all his fault.
You had screamed at him, and he knew that he deserved it. You were slowly slipping away from his grasp, and Jake allowed that to happen as he chased another world title so desperately. So desperately to the point that he would end up neglecting you.
Forgotten dates, forgotten anniversaries, and forgotten birthdays. Text messages would be left unread for days when he was in some other unfamiliar city, as you walked to your lectures with a heavy heart and the stream of his race playing in the back of your phone as you waited for a response. You wore red every time he had a race, for Ferrari, for him, even as your relationship was crumbling.
“I’m sorry,” he had choked out. “It is difficult.”
You looked at him with bloodshot eyes and shaking fists. “It is. And you’re chasing your dreams, but… I can’t be with you if it’s like this. The past few months have been like we weren’t even dating in the first place.”
Jake gulps. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“I want to try,” you had said with an exasperated sigh, and Jake knows that you’re tired. He’s going at maximum speed, and you’re left trailing behind him. He’s so far ahead, and you know you’ve lost all hope of catching up. But you say those words anyway. “Please tell me you’ll try.”
Jake doesn’t say a word. Because he knows that he won’t be able to. He wants to say yes, so badly. He wants to hug you, he wants to kiss you, and he wants to commit. Just as he commits to his races, to the championship, to Ferrari.
But he can’t. Not a single word leaves his lips, and his silence is enough of an answer for you. “Oh,” you say, and Jake doesn’t miss the way your voice quivers, and your lower lip trembles. You’re dressed in red, Ferrari’s colour – his colour. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry.” he told you.
“It’s important to you.” you pressed your lips together in a thin line. “I understand.”
You say that, but Jake knows that you don’t. He knows nobody would ever be able to understand choosing to win over choosing someone you love. But Jake is committed to racing. He is committed to win.
Yet, he’s not committed to you. The one who’s been with him through thick and thin, the one who’d catch red-eye flights to find him in some unfamiliar city to watch him win, the one who’d go through hell and back for him if it meant that he’d be happy.
He can’t do the same for you, and he hates that.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated, and you simply shook your head. You don’t have anything more to say to him, so you quietly pack your things. “I’m sorry.”
Before you opened the door to leave, you took one last look at Jake. “I hope you figure out whatever’s going on in your life.” You don’t say anything more, and that is the last time Jake Sim ever sees you again.
He doesn’t know what you’re doing either, because you’d deleted your Instagram account, starting a new one where none of his fans could keep up to date with you. The only way he knows how you’re doing is updates from Heeseung's girlfriend Yoona, who goes on trips with you often. He sees his fans constantly wondering if you’re doing well, and Jake finds it funny how he’s got the same exact question.
He drowns himself further in training, in racing, in wanting to become the best after the split. He wins, he wins, and he wins again – and that feeling of euphoria when he stands on the podium never leaves. It fills him with a joy like no other, and it reminds Jake why he does this. He wants to win. He wants to be the best – no, he is the best.
Winning means the world to Jake Sim. Racing is in his blood – he does it to hear the crowds scream his name, he does it to lift that trophy on the top step of the podium, and he does it to feel the overwhelming pride in his chest when he crosses that chequered flag first.
But he’s been so focused on winning, and he’s lost his everything.
His everything is the girl who went to his first race. His everything is the girl who would tire herself by studying during the day, and catching long flights to the cities where he’d race in to support him.
And his everything had left him 2 years ago in his apartment in Monte Carlo, Monaco, with teary eyes and a red dress.
PLEASE jake puppy hybrid all desperate in heat but you can't tell so jake is trying everything he can to just feel the relief of being inside you. it takes you and him having a movie night while cuddling and you feeling him rutting his cute little hard on against your leg and whimpering for you to finally realize why he's been acting weird and let him fuck you dumb
ahhh nonnie ur brain is so hot ><
omgomgomg wait :( you coming home from work n expecting ur pretty puppy to be at the door (or on his way) to greet u, but even as ur putting up ur coat n taking off ur shoes he isnt there :((
n ur calling his name as u walk down the hallway to ur shared room (bc poor jake is so needy n clingy n needs to be w his owner to fall asleep).. n all u hear is whining n whimpering :(
going into the room to see that hes huddled up all on ur bed, desperate trying to be a good boy n not hump ur pillow or mattress while hes tryin to find comfort in ur scent :((
n when u get there n he finally notices ur home he’s basically all on u, nuzzling into ur neck n licking n biting at u :( all exciting to see his owner even if hes in pain :(
n u just take it as him missing u n bein extra clingy td, but as the night goes on ur noticing that hes been acting a little strange. been more clingy n hasnt let go of u since u sat down on the couch to watch ur movie
n then u feel it, him rutting his hard on into ur thigh n hearing his whimpering. looking over at him to see a pretty pout on his face n his bottom lip quivering as he tries to get himself off after holding himself back for so long :(
n ur pretty puppy is jus all worked up n u finally realize why when he starts scenting u n biting at ur sweet spots w his canines
him pushing u down on the couch after he smells ur arousal n basically ripping ur panties off to get to ur pussy :(( him bein so eager to fuck u that he can barely get it in n u have to guide him so he can fuck ur pretty cunnie <3
n hes jus so rapid n hes drooling n making a mess n kissing u w teeth n sucking on ur tongue n so so so desperate for u :( n he doesnt even realize that you’ve cum twice already while hes barely even close
doesnt even realize that hes fucking his pretty own dumb, making her head go fuzzy n her eyes roll back as he pounds into ur sweet spot over n over again
n when he cums its sooo much, u feel so full n if u look u can see a bit of a bulge where he is burried deep inside of u. n he makes sure to keep fucking his cum back into u bc he wants it to take so u can have his pups <3
n he cant just stop there can he?? he needs to make sure his pretty little owner knows that shes his, needs to breed u n fuck u open n ruin you for other guys, for other hybrids
bc ur his, n hes growling into ur ear that ur his, his, his while hes rubbing at ur clit n tryin to get u to cum again for him
cum all over ur puppy’s cock n let him breed u n give u his pups <3
You’re not sure what’s worse, your sister’s boyfriend or your sister’s boyfriend’s friends. What you thought would be a great deal in living with her throughout college turns into a major game of cat and mouse, where you’re unsure if your moral compass is pointing in the right direction solely because you suspect someone is wearing a giant sex magnet to throw it off.
៸៸៸ minors do not interact!
៸៸៸ simp gamer ! lee heeseung x afab reader
៸៸៸ wc: 30k
៸៸៸ tags: smut, sister’s boyfriend trope, exhibitionism and voyeurism, dom heeseung, he is also unemployed lol, gaming antics, discord streaming, sexting, sex bets, shameless behavior, food mentions, alcohol use, implied sickness due to said alcohol, jake, sunghoon, and jay as the gamer friends who have a bet going. also the guys who get to watch….kind of.
៸៸៸ !WARNINGS!: cheating/infidelity, dubcon-ish at one instance, heeseung is mean and manipulative. instances where jake, jay, and sunghoon take advantage of a situation where reader is drunk (conversation based), the reader can be lifted, visibly marked, has hair that can have fingers ran through it, and blushes visibly.
៸៸៸ a/n: this fic was written for heeseung's gf @drunkhazed! i really loved the idea, as you can see, i kind of went crazy with it. i hope it lives up to your imagination but maybe not idk. you better love it anyway oomfie, bc i loved writing it for u. this fic was briefly edited but likely still has a million typos and grammar errors.
៸៸៸ nsfw tags below
៸៸៸ nsfw tags: 10” heeseung, dubcon-ish at one instance, masturbation, pillow humping, cum eating, degradation, hentai watching, sexting, sex on camera, blow job, voyeurism, exhibitionism, deep penetration, cream pie, breeding, blood and spit, one mention of piss but no actual piss (form of degradation), fingers down your throat.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
Walking into an empty room has never felt so freeing, especially in knowing this is your space. Safe from your parents, bare and ready to be adorned with all of the things you hold dear to you. What’s even better? It’s bigger than your room back home, and you even have a little attached bathroom of your own.
Life is great. You think studying here will ease your mind and allow you to graduate top of your class by the time it’s all over and done with. If you could kiss your sister, you would, really.
You remember being kids and the two of you promising that when you grow up, you’d live together and never grow apart. After actually growing up though, she finished her degree and went off on her own, leaving you by yourself with no one to get you through the hardships of becoming a college student yourself.
With her working full time for several years and you struggling your own way to the top, she really did follow through with that young childhood promise.
“Why don’t you come live with me through college? I’m sure it would be easier than living with all those rules.”
You didn’t even think twice and had your bags packed a single day after the invitation. You stayed up all night getting it done, emptying your childhood room filled with both good and bad memories. Alas, you did have to wait until the spring semester was over though. Thankfully, you were only sleeping in a packed up room for about a week.
You find yourself here now, with your sister lovingly making lunch in the kitchen while her boyfriend, who you have only met briefly at holiday gatherings, stays in the office-turned-gaming room hooting and howling over some game he’s playing.
“Don’t mind him.” She half-smiles when he doesn’t immediately head for the kitchen, making her own plate and moving to the table with a sense of annoyance. “He’ll be out in a bit, it’s a pretty normal occurrence.”
“You don’t think it’s rude?” You furrow your brows now, automatically assuming that your sister deserves a man willing to work just as much as she does. Still, you don’t entirely mind that you weren’t forced into an official meeting of the man of the house first thing when you walked in.
“Nah, not really. Been dating him for years, I knew what I signed up for when I moved him in.” She smiles while shaking her head, seemingly accepting all of his positives and negatives.
“Does he not have a job?” You pry, picking at your plate and trying to memorize his actual name because for a little while, you really started to wonder if his name was just a variation of “honey” and “babe”. Thankfully not.
“He’s looking for one.” She says, looking at you and trying to read your judgment. “Before you say anything, he has money. Or–well, his parent’s have money. They pay his half of the rent right now.”
You shrug, noting that she really does seem happy and you’d be the best person to judge her level of fulfillment outside of herself anyway. You trust that she picked the right man, even if he’s still screaming in the other room with an empty stomach.
“By the way…” She says with a wicked smile, one that you remember growing up with. The other end of that smile always ends with some sort of…antic. “We’re throwing you a welcome party this weekend. Inviting all of our friends too, so it’s easier for you to start being social on this side of town.”
You would groan, but growing up in your childhood home with your parents never came with parties. No birthdays at home, no sleepovers, nothing. Hell, they wouldn’t even allow you to attend other parties as a child, and going to college parties was out of the question.
The only party you ever attended was during the time you snuck out. They made damn sure you never snuck out again after that mishap as well.
“Oh, really?” You chew and speak at the same time, not minding your manners at all considering you can get away with it now. “Is there gonna be alcohol?”
“Oh, yes, yes.” She smiles again. “Gonna give you a proper party since, you know.”
You nod to her and you both laugh together at the found freedom you share, and then, well, the king of screaming like a toddler walks in. His hair looks like shit, an indent at the top of the messy locks indicating that he must have had his headset on for a long fucking time. Loose shirt with the sleeves pushed up, eyes sleepy and red, probably burning from the sunlight coming through the windows, and some sort of smile on his face. He looks at his girlfriend with that tired smile, about to thank her for the meal, then his eyes trail to you.
“Oh fuck–” His hands raise to run his fingers through his hair, then both rest on the back of his neck as he lets out a big sigh. “Was that today?”
You give him the side eye of all side eyes at this moment. Reminding yourself how you and your sister spent all morning hauling your stuff in without his help. She also did say he would have put together your desk, dresser, shelf, and bed frame by the time you got here. Well, he didn’t.
“Yep.” She pops the p on the end of her word indicating passive aggressive annoyance.
“Shit.” He mumbles under his breath, placing his empty plate right back into the cupboard and making his way to your room. “I’ll do it now. I’m sorry babe.”
Your sister nods triumphantly, watching your look of surprise in reaction to the way he instantly appears to fix his mistake without more than a single word from her.
“He knows when he fucks up. He was supposed to do it yesterday but as you can see, he hasn’t left his PC since like, nine o’ clock last night.” She shrugs.
You laugh, furrowing your brow at her.
“I really didn’t expect him to be so lazy, sis, I always figured you’d be dating a doctor or something.”
She brushes off her shoulders with a proud look, leaning towards you with a smile.
“He was working a really good job but I could see how unhappy he was. I’m giving him a year or two to figure himself out. He’s been back and forth trying new things, hasn’t quite landed on anything he likes yet though.”
She is a fucking saint. Honestly, Heeseung might be the luckiest man in the world to have a woman willing to do such a thing for him.
“Woah,” You start, taking a sip of your water. “He’s trying to make it as a streamer right now, I take it?”
She shakes her head with an eye roll.
“Not really, he’s just always spent as much free time as possible playing but, I trust that he’ll figure something out sooner rather than later.”
And you pry for a while longer. Learning about all of the things your sister and Heeseung do together, learning about her friends and his friends, the rules of the house, and the not-rules of the house. For instance, you’re allowed to bring home hook-ups or dates if you give a fair warning so she doesn’t have to hear it. However, the food in the fridge is for the house occupants only, and people need to ask before opening the cupboards and filling their plates. Of course, unless there is a party.
Another rule, which was a bit too much information but you figure it’s fair since everyone here is an adult. She and Heeseung apparently have a pretty active sex life and apologized in advance for some of the things you may end up hearing. She also noted that there will be ear plugs if you need them, but that she suggests throwing on some headphones and ignoring it. Fair enough, it’s her house anyway.
And after a few hours pass, Heeseung makes his way out of your room with a smile on his face. You remember seeing him maybe two or three times during the holidays but he never mingled with you. He never mingled with anyone, actually. He tended to keep to himself, with his loose fitting outfits always sticking out in the awkward family photos that your sister would sneak him into. That’s all you can really recall about him.
It is kind of strange seeing him in his natural habitat of your sister’s house. Already, you’ve seen more personality in him than you ever did during the brief meetings. It’s kind of nice to see him proudly nodding his head to your bedroom as if to invite you in properly like he should have done hours ago when you arrived. He took it upon himself to rearrange the room for maximum space. Arguably, you’re impressed.
“I unpacked some of your things too.” He comments as he hugs your sister from behind in the doorway. “Needed to make sure the dresser drawers wouldn’t cave in.”
Your eyes trail to the pretty dresser, painted white with even prettier trim on it. It’s the first time you’ve ever had a matching bedroom set. You head over and take a peek in the drawers, noting that he didn’t just haphazardly throw your clothes in there.
Top drawer, all of your undergarments are fucking folded. Second drawer, socks, tights, and leggings, third drawer, soft pajama sets also folded. And the fourth drawer remains empty.
You turn to look at him, embarrassed by the fact that he took it upon himself to do that. You can’t see a single shred of embarrassment in his own face though, and it appears he really was just being nice.
“Don’t be embarrassed. I do the laundry here so I’ll be folding those more often than you’d think.” He smiles, and your sister lends a chuckle.
“He’s gotta do something while I’m making most of the money.” She shrugs, totally fine with the fact that her boyfriend just handled every piece of underwear you own save for the ones you’re wearing.
“Closet too, hung up what I could but I’m like, really hungry so I figured I could leave the rest to you.”
You nod in appreciation, in awe of your new room and the soft, plush carpet on your floor. Your old room was hard wood with dust filled corners, it felt cold. Here though? You feel welcomed, warm, and cozy.
Hundreds of ideas flood your mind about how you want to decorate the room and as you go to start unpacking your miscellaneous items, your sister nods and backs out of the room with her boyfriend still hugging her from behind.
There, you’re left to your own devices.
Another thought crosses your mind when you hear the door close as well. The fact that you haven’t had a door to close for your bedroom since you snuck out all those years ago. The sound felt like music to your ears as you found yourself falling back on the bare mattress with a deep and relieved sigh.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
With all of the unpacking, wall art compositions, and napping in between, the week flew by quicker than you anticipated.
Waking up today, at half past two in the afternoon felt so good. Your duvet felt crispy, your room was completed and finally your own, and it felt safe. You could smell the breakfast cooking in the kitchen, and your sister’s voice paired with Heeseung ringing fondly at each other.
Little bit strange that you didn’t wake up to silence in the house, considering Heeseung is usually just now heading to sleep with that fucked up sleep schedule and your sister is normally lounging in the living room with a snack, iced coffee, and watching her favorite reality shows. Save for when she’s at work all day, of course.
Still, you slowly pull yourself out of bed feeling happy and refreshed, stepping into your attached bathroom to do your morning routine before exiting the room, and then heading into the kitchen with a small “good morning.”
“It’s nearly three in the afternoon.” Your sister smiles at you. “But good morning to you too sis.”
Heeseung, seemingly dressed for the day with a band tee and a beanie on, lends you a glance and a wave as he swings back and forth in the kitchen, mixing pancake batter in a bowl for your sister and unaware of the speckle of said batter stuck in a strand of his hair.
You lean over your sister’s shoulder after waving back to him, noting how she’s making little bite-sized pieces of pancake. Ah, this is the life, really.
“Well? Don’t just stand there? Pour some juice or something. We need a big meal before tonight.” Your sister laughs at your sleepy content hum from behind her, noting how you act much like she did when she first got out of the childhood home.
You take a step back, eyeing the room, trying to put the puzzle pieces together as to why Heeseung is awake and dressed and why she’s making a big meal to begin with. Both your sister and Heeseung note the confusion on your face.
“Ah, she forgot.” He rumbles with a smirk, not keeping his eyes on you for too long as his focus falls back to mixing.
“Did you really forget?” Your sister rolls her eyes with a spatula in hand, turning to you and putting her other hand on her hip. “Everyone seems excited to meet you, they’ll probably start pouring in around six or seven tonight.”
“Oh, right! The party!” You exclaim, shocked that you really did forget about it. With your sister’s promise of alcohol, you assume that explains the large breakfast, and also probably why Heeseung doesn’t look like a total slob.
“Yeah, the party.” Heeseung snickers, his back turned away from you but overall acting as if you’ve already lived here for months. Throwing the same sarcasm at you that your sister does.
“Now go pour some juice, we have to go to the store after this and pick out drinks.” Your sister finally says, turning back to flip the pancakes in the pan. “You have drank since I moved out, right? You never wanted to try anything with me back then.”
You reluctantly nod your head, and your sister gasps fondly.
“Someone got into the liquor cabinet?”
You nod with a laugh, knowing that you learned how to do it from her despite always being too chicken as a teenager to do it with her. The curiosity of being drunk didn’t outweigh the fear of being caught at all for you, at the time anyway.
“Sunghoon is usually the one babysitting us, so no need to worry about pacing yourself.” Heeseung comments along with his sneaky side eye at you.
You don’t notice him do it at all, and even if you did you’d just assume it’s a passing glance. After all, you did open the fridge a little too hard.
“Sunghoon?” You ask.
“One of my friends,” He raises his hand to his hair to try and shake out the now, obvious, speckle of batter that’s starting to dry in the strands. “By the way, when you go to bed tonight– make sure you lock your door.” He continues, turning around now and leaning against the counter just to watch you lift on your toes for some of the cups in the cabinet.
His eyes watch the way you lift, your calf muscles flexing, your back arching slightly as you try to reach…And, well, he’s acting much like any man would, if he’s being honest, but ultimately he keeps his eyes to himself when your sister is turned or looking at him.
“Noted.” You nod without paying much attention, pouring the drinks and now moving the filled glasses to the table.
You make brief eye contact with him, noting how he’s already looking at you while your sister is simply listening, facing the other way and mostly just focused on not burning the pancakes.
“I’m serious. Lock your door.” He repeats, scanning your body and judging just how dangerous it is for you to be living here.
Mostly because he’s always found you quite cute, and he’s very aware that his friends probably will too. Hell, he’s already crossed a line with you since day one of you living here, he’s shocked you haven’t yet picked up on it, and knows very well that his friends will make moves instantly if you give them a chance. And with all things considered, you seem a bit too unaware of how attractive you are.
“Hm?” You raise a brow as you make your way back to the kitchen. “I was going to, but now you’re making it sound important.”
“Well,” Your sister chimes in, stepping back once and holding out her hand. Heeseung is quick adjust his eyes, handing the fresh bowl of batter to her with a kiss to her cheek as if he wasn’t just eye fucking you. “All of them are single, and you’re just about as good looking as I am.” She laughs half-heartedly.
She’s not trying to have an ego, but it’s best to warn you now at least. It’s not that she thinks she’s hot or anything, but she knows they think she is. And if that’s the case, they’re gonna be drooling over the younger, more single, version of herself.
Heeseung rolls his eyes now though, leaning back against the counter and scanning you again the second your sister has her back turned. This time more blatantly. Eyes landing on the curve of your hips to the length of your legs.
“Yeah.” He says, sucking in a breath with a half lidded gaze, letting his eyes trail down. “I’ll try to keep them at bay, though.”
For Heeseung, there is nothing wrong with looking. For you? You feel very seen by him and it’s kind of throwing you for a loop. Your appearance becomes the main point of conversation and it makes you want to kind of leave the kitchen.
“I doubt that’ll be an issue.” You try to laugh it off.
“No, seriously.” Your sister says, turning to look at you briefly to give you a serious expression. “Back when I first met Heeseung, all four of them were after me. I swear, they’re more than just competitive with their games.”
“I always win though.” Heeseung nods triumphantly, now keeping his eyes to himself and focusing more on his girlfriend.
“That, you do.” She boasts for him, leaning back after moving the pancakes to a plate and landing a kiss on his lips.
You study how they move together. So in sync, not stepping on each other’s toes, ultimately moving in harmony. Likes it natural to them. She really does look happy, and he just looks like a guy who doesn’t know where to land his gaze.
A normal guy, you think, who was given the same freedom your sister gives to you. It really is just who she is to take care of people, and the harsh judgment you originally had about Heeseung kind of fades a little bit as you watch them.
You try not to study him too much though because damn, your sister knows how to pick them in terms of like, scale of attractiveness. Heeseung is the type of guy the two of you would giggle over at the mall. The type you’d silently bicker over from behind a store rack of jackets, or perhaps even fantasize about during a long and boring tv show with your parents.
It’s not strange to find him attractive, because, well, he is. But you know your place here, and you’ve grown up to the point to know that you can appreciate a person’s looks and not need anything from them at the end of the day.
However, you kind of hope his friends are at the same level as him. For one, to avoid having a secret crush on Heeseung, because who wouldn’t? And secondly, they’re single, just like you.
Apparently they’re also a threat to the “innocence” both your sister and Heeseung seem to want to protect within you.
“I’ll lock my door.” You say finally, receiving a happy nod from both of them as they continue their cooking and you make your way to the table.
And while you do plan to lock your door, you also plan to take your time in getting dressed for the party. You kind of do want to be pounced at, or at least, feel the freedom of knowing you can look however you want without your parents forcing you into the ugliest outfit known to man. You know how to dress yourself, you’ve just never quite been allowed to do it. All those sneaky clothes your sister bought for you can finally come in handy.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
When your sister mentioned throwing you a welcome party, you expected a gathering of friends standing around awkwardly sipping wine coolers. What you didn’t expect was for there to be mood lighting, music, an array of nicely dressed people, and a large gaming set up in the living room where the big screen television was muted and a maximum of eight at a time could go head to head on super smash bros.
You found yourself enjoying it more and more as the night went on and you became more comfortable being greeted by strangers. Each drink you were handed mostly came from your sister, but by the time she stopped making her own drinks and began to drink whatever the hell-mix her friends were giving to her, Heeseung was the one handing you drinks.
“Come here–” Heeseung says over the blaring music, still floored by how good you look now versus how good you looked this morning. To him, the drinks he’s having paired with you running around looking like this? It’s even more dangerous than he thought as he continuously finds himself staring, and finds you seemingly still unaware of it.
“I’ll show you how to mix this one.”
Your sister was off somewhere in the house with her group of pretty friends, and you’ve really only briefly met everyone as they walked in the door. The drinks in your system make you want to actually mingle though. Everyone else is mingling, everyone else looks comfortable and happy to enjoy the party. It drives you to feel the same.
You nod to Heeseung with warmth in your cheeks, noting that he looks about as tipsy as you do when he stumbles his way back into the brightly lit kitchen with you. Your eyes burn at the light, as do his, and he groans at it before opening the fridge and pulling out the cranberry juice.
“Your sister said you’ve probably only chugged from a bottle, so I opted to give you the easiest drink to make.” He explains in a slight slur, setting the juice on the counter and ultimately knocking it with his elbow when he turns to grab the vodka bottle. “Cranberry juice and vodka.”
You feel endeared by his genuine smile and embarrassed laugh at the way he knocked over the juice, watching him in his own element and comfort zone. It makes you feel a little guilty that he’s been the one making your drinks, only because your sister must have asked him to by the time she got too drunk.
Heeseung seems to do just about everything she asks of him, and while you’re thankful, you feel a little bad that he’d probably rather be in the other room with his friends rather than trapped in this empty and terribly lit kitchen teaching you how to make a fucking mixed drink.
“I put about–” He starts, grabbing your cup and pouring it half full with vodka. “this much into yours.”
In your own state, it’s not like you’d know what’s too much or what’s too little to put into a drink, but so far everything he’s handed to you tasted good. So, you nod at him, attempting to focus in on the cup.
“And this much juice.” He continues, now pouring not enough juice into the vodka.
From this angle, watching him from behind, you pause for a moment in your tipsy brain. Distracted by the way his shoulders flex when he’s grabbing that big ass bottle of juice, but you’re quick to tear your eyes away. He’s just a nice looking guy, dressed up for the first time since you moved in, you can’t fucking help it. Surely your sister would understand if she ever caught you checking him out, right?
“Then just stir it.” He adds now, turning to face you and dipping two fingers deep into the liquid of your cup, swirling them, then handing you the drink.
He sucks the remaining mixture off of his fingers in a blatant show of his interest that you’re still far too aloof to pick up, watching you pretend he didn’t catch you staring. And with his fingers still in his mouth, he smirks around them, giving you a pleased expression when you take a sip from the cup.
You glance up just for a second when you taste the same exact drink he’s been making you for the past forty five minutes and nod, trying not to focus on the way his tongue darts between his fingers twice before he pulls them out of his mouth.
“Good?” He asks for confirmation, and when you smile and nod again, his eyes stare harder.
Surely it’s just because you’re drunk, but you swear he’s giving you bedroom eyes, and paired with what he just did with his tongue….well. He looks at you similar to how he did this morning. And when you moved in. And back during that one Holiday party he attended at your childhood home.
Definitely the alcohol. Like, he’s dating your sister. She’s the prettier one, the more successful one, the one with more personality. You’re just you. No way in hell is he really looking at you the same way he looks at her. It’s just your boosted confidence of finally being able to wear such a skimpy outfit. It’s just the liquid courage, that’s all.
“You know–” He starts this time, leaning against the counter like he did this morning while helping your sister cook, trying to appear casual, cool, and perhaps attractive in this stance. “When I was beating Jay’s ass on smash bros earlier, he mentioned you.”
You continue to sip your drink, feeling a buzzing in your chest and ears as you listen to him. Far more able now to have any conversation he could throw at you compared to any other day. Even with the thought in your head that he might be checking you out.
“Oh? Which one is Jay again?” You ask, leaning slightly to peek around the wall at the crowd of bodies just a room over. Interest peaking solely because the majority of people in this house right now are like, next level attractive. Maybe this Jay guy can take your thoughts off of your sister’s fucking boyfriend.
“The one with the sunglasses on his head, wearing all black.” He starts, leaning close next to you and pointing just in front of your line of sight. “He’s a fucking loser, though.”
You look at the guy, trying to remember the short greeting he gave to you. A nod of his head when he pushed those same sunglasses up and into his hair. He threw a very quick glance at you, to your face, chest, legs, then back to your face where he nodded again before making his way into the kitchen to make himself a drink. You think, maybe, that Jay guy judged you positively upon meeting you.
“He didn’t even tell me his name, no wonder I didn’t know which one he was.” You lend a drunken laugh as you check him out, sipping your drink again while listening to Heeseung laugh next to you.
His laugh sounds closer, which makes sense considering he’s now leaning his weight on you with his elbow on your shoulder, resting his head there.
“I thought he was that one–” You say, now pointing your own finger to the other guy you met briefly, the one with the longer hair, dyed blonde with hella untouched roots..
He had a nice smile when he greeted you, leaning in for a warm hug with a small “great to finally meet you.” His clothes drastically differed from Jay’s though. Far more casual and normal, loose jeans and a large hoodie just like what Heeseung seems to wear so often, except the colors were a bit brighter.
“Nah, that’s Jake.” Heeseung snorts, breathing in your scent as he leans into you as closely as he can, letting the stands of his hair poking out from his beanie tickle your neck. “Careful with that one, he’s a pervert.”
You’re quick to admit interest in this one too, swatting Heeseung’s hair from your neck without thinking much about it. Which, arguably, doesn’t quite sit well with him.
Not only are you almost entirely ignoring him now, but it’s his fault for pointing out his friends to you again despite his attempts at making them appear unappealing to you. It seems that his girlfriend’s little sister is a bit too eager to look at guys, yet not eager enough to look at him.
“Oh yeah?” You look for a little too long at Jake, in Heeseung’s opinion, as he draws his finger over to the very sober Sunghoon.
“You remember meeting him though, he made sure of it.” Heeseung rolls his eyes from beside you, leaning hard. “Also a pervert, just a little less obvious. I’d steer clear.”
“Is Jay the only one that isn’t a pervert?” You ask off handedly in a shy chuckle, bobbing your head now to the music bumping against the walls.
“God, did I not just tell you he mentioned you?” Heeseung shifts his weight to his other leg, skewing his head and looking straight down your shirt. “He asked if you were like your sister, the freak.”
He leans away from you at that point, noting that your drink is already near empty again and needing to refill it so that way he can push his own opinions into that empty little brain of yours.
“What do you mean, like my sister?” You ask, watching him take the cup from you and place it right there in front of the same ingredients he just used to make the drink before.
“Well,” He tilts his head back slightly when he turns to prepare the drink, eyes looking at you in a dark and somewhat scary way, still with a charming smile though. “Your big sis kind of got a little dirty on our first date. Guess Jay hopes you’re the same.”
Heeseung hopes you are too, but not for them.
And, for you? It’s not like you’ve ever been given a chance to do such a thing. However, upon meeting and then re-meeting his friends from afar, all of them really are quite attractive. Maybe you could follow in your sister’s footsteps just to say that yes, you fuck on the first date too.
“I guess I am a bit like her.” You say offhandedly, looking away from Heeseung and tipping your head back around the corner to check the three men out again.
And when Heeseung turns to give you another full drink, he snaps his fingers.
“Get back in here.” He says, and when you turn to face him again, his eyes land right back on your chest.
“I’d advise against it.” He slurs at seeing your curious gaze land on one specific friend, stirring your drink with his fingers much like he did before. “Jay is a slut.”
“All of them are, actually.”
Unfortunately, Heeseung’s warnings go through one ear and out the other. He can see it, especially with the way you place that drink up to your lips and make your way into the living room, leaving him behind without so much as a “thank you”.
And when you sit, directly between Jay and Jake, both of them turn their heads from the large TV screen, which allows Sunghoon to land some pretty major blows on them until he, himself, turns his head to witness two drunk idiots and a pretty girl between them.
“Heeseung said you asked about me.” You state boldly, leaning into the wrong person to say it.
“Well, he’s a liar.” Jake bellows out, studying how drunk you are and glancing up at Jay with a snide grin. Raising his brows and gripping his controller.
“That would be me who asked.” Jay pipes in, and it’s the first time you’ve heard his voice directly address you, but man, alcohol is fun. It makes you feel even more bold when you turn to look at him with a face that you assume shows interest.
“Why didn’t you just ask me yourself?” You ask, ignoring that you fumbled the greeting.
“You weren’t drunk enough,” Jay laughs, ignoring the screen as it gives Sunghoon his win. “I see now though,” He looks you up and down, slouching back against the couch and stretching his arm wide around the back of it, and you.” You’re definitely drunk.”
You nod happily, eyes turning to Jake, who is still just checking you out.
“Sure am.” You laugh, hopping up in one motion and turning to face them. “Heeseung also told me that you’re all fucking perverts, so.”
Jay and Jake both lend a “what the fuck, bro?” face at Heeseung, who was slouched against the wall, yet again, watching how you interact with his friends. He simply shrugs at them with a malicious smile into his drink. After all, he’s the one on top of the world right now. Not only does he have a hot as fuck girlfriend who lets him live and do as he pleases, but now he’s got a younger version of her running around, acting like she knows how to whore herself out.
He can tell you’re just like her in that regard. Ready, willing, wanting to experience everything all at once if the world throws it at you. From the way you sat between his friends to the way you snitched on him with a pretty smile on your face. Oh man, the guys probably love you already.
“So, what?” Jay rolls his eyes as Jake watches you stand on wobbling legs. “You don’t like to get laid?”
You bellow out a laugh that nearly throws you off balance, but Jake is very quick to lunge forward and grab your arm to steady you, forcing you to spill your drink all over yourself and him.
“Sure I do,” You ignore the blatant show of your mindstate and instead, remember how you’ve actually had plenty of sex during whatever time you could fit, in whatever place was hidden enough that didn’t involve your own home. “Why, you trying to get some?”
Jay smirks at you as Jake holds your half-spilled drink, listening to you flirt and smiling much the same way.
“Maybe.” Jay shrugs, side eyeing both of his friends. “You gonna give it up?” He adds, now blatantly checking you out from head to toe, liking very much what he’s seeing.
“Nope.” Heeseung suddenly cuts in, staring his three friends in the face as he grabs your drink from Jake and hands it back to you before wrapping an arm around your shoulder and pretending to be the knight in shining armor your sister wants him to be.
You look back at the three men as Heeseung leads you away, then you note that Sunghoon shrugs at you.
“What the hell?” You ask, slightly annoyed with Heeseung and the lights of the kitchen blinding you once again. “I was busy.”
“Busy doing what? Teasing my friends?” Heeseung shakes his head as he turns away from you, placing your cup down and opening the bottles back up. “You’re playing a dangerous game, babe, I’d stop if I were you.”
“And? Maybe I like it.” You roll your eyes, ignoring how the alcohol radiates behind your eyes and lends two Heeseungs to pretend you’re not attracted to. At least with his friends, you can be more open about it.
Heeseung stops making your drink and turns to look at you and the way your eyes struggle to adjust. He’s entirely floored by that statement. The fact that you’ve kept to yourself for the most part since you’ve moved in, and now you’re all cute and drunk in front of him revealing just how much of a whore you might be if you were given the chance? Damn.
“Your sister would kill you.” He says, turning back to your drink and knowing that your sister probably wouldn’t actually give a shit if you fuck his friends. He does though.
“I mean, I guess I won’t stop you.” He lies, now turning back to make your drink the exact same way and giving it to you despite knowing he shouldn’t be giving you more.
“Can honestly say you’re a bit too pretty for them, though.” He adds in a snide compliment, wanting so badly to flirt but doing his best to appear like it’s totally normal for him to say these things.
And as he notes your stare at him, processing the words, he takes this moment to grab a towel from the sink to dab away at the drink that you previously spilled all over yourself.
You look at him, watching him dab the towel against your arm. He seems focused on doing it, pretty face and clear skin shining in these morgue lights in the kitchen compared to everywhere else in the house. And then, you note how when he looks up, his eyes stop momentarily at the amount of cleavage you’re revealing for this occasion. Hah, he probably thinks his messy strands of hair hid his eyes from you, but you saw it.
“Oh, I get it.” You take in a deep inhale, reaching to pull his beanie over his eyes and letting out a bold laugh because really, you’re pretty drunk by this point. “You’re a pervert too.”
Heeseung shrugs, lifting the beanie back up and standing much taller in front of you. He skews his head down, looking right past your face and down your shirt this time. Proud of seeing the curve of them and the space between that could probably stimulate any cock you squeeze there.
“Maybe, yeah.” He smirks, taking a slight step closer and letting both arms trap you against the counter, hovering above you with an intimidating stance. “Maybe even more than they are.” He adds, already preparing himself to press his hips up and against you, uncaring of how it would look if he were to be found like this with you.
Unfortunately, he’s forced to care because there’s a happy pair of footsteps making their way to the kitchen, and he really should not have been about to do that in the first place. He stumbles back at the sound, smiling at you with a quick, tipsy wink.
It leaves you a little dizzy as you stare at him with a weird kind of aroused feeling in your gut. Surely that’s the alcohol too, it has to be. You’re very quick to shrug off the small intimate moment as you hear your sister’s loud and booming voice calling out his name.
You watch as she envelopes him in a fraction of a second, lifting on her unbalanced feet to immediately start making out with him.
You’re not sure why you stand there and watch for a second, a little zoned out before Heeseung opens his eyes briefly and looks at you throughout the bruising kiss he’s currently an active participant of.
There’s that same look again, only this time he’s doing it while licking into your sister’s mouth. You’re so fucking confused right now. All the signals have to be your imagination, right?
You snap out of the daze then, whispering a small “ill just go somewhere else.” before leaving the kitchen and finding yourself at the table just outside of it.
You try to keep your eyes to yourself at this point regarding Heeseung, feeling all of the buzz and heat in your gut at the idea of being allowed to be openly sexually attracted to just about any man you lay eyes on. He’s nothing special, just a handsome guy. His friends are just as attractive, right?
And as you trail your eyes around the room trying to find someone to go mingle with, you are instead surrounded by your sister’s friends. Still, when you glance to the living room, every single time, either Jake, Jay, or that other guy is watching you with eyes that you’ve read before from other men.
Arguably, the same eyes Heeseung gave you just a few minutes before. At least with them, you know you’re not reading those bedroom eyes wrong.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
“Give me a week.” Jake says, elbowing Jay in the side and taking a hefty sip of his terribly mixed drink as his eyes drift to the new girl surrounded by other hot girls. “I'll be in her bed before the week is up..”
Jay rolls his eyes, standing from the couch and stretching out his own tipsy limbs as he walks to Sunghoon and sits on that couch instead.
“Three days for me then.” He says, giving Jake a too-confident face. “I could go over there right the fuck now and have her on her knees, probably.” He says as he looks at you, fitting in so well with the group of girls. Possibly being the hottest one too. “Maybe.”
Sunghoon rolls his eyes at his slurring best friends, clearly drunker than they realize.
“You both take the wrong approach.” He says, stiffening his shoulders before slouching entirely against the couch, considering ditching the baby-sitting job and having a drink as well. “You think they’d just let you fuck her? I’ll get her to go on a date with me first. Get her legs open in my car after.”
“Quite frankly, Sunghoon, I don’t really give a shit if they’d let me. I’m going to get some of that.” Jay responds.
All three of them are staring at you, thankfully, you don’t seem to notice as you fall into a conversation with that same group of girls, plus your sister now. And just as Jake was about to add more to the conversation, Heeseung makes his way in.
“Don’t–” Heeseung slurs as he flops beside Jake, letting his heavy limbs hurt his friend. “–even think about it, Jakey boy.” He says, knowing for a fact what all three of his whore friends are thinking. They’ve been staring and glancing at you all night.
Jake avoids eye contact, because he’s definitely thinking about it.
“No worries.” Jay shrugs. “We’re just looking, that’s all.”
Somehow, someway, all three of Heeseung’s friends pick up on what Jay is putting down. Ah, a deal of leaving him out, they suppose.
After all, Heeseung already managed to bag your sister. They know he’d keep her little sister off limits to them too. Out of respect or some shit, probably. Bro code, all of that.
“Keep it that way.” He hums, shoving Jake and laughing. “She’s too hot for you guys anyway, just like her sister.”
There’s a shared look between the three as Sunghoon lunges for Jay’s drink and takes a sip of it.
“Heeseung, we’re crashing here tonight.” He bellows out through tangy lips.
And, well, Heeseung didn’t argue because he knows he’s not in a state to really give a shit at this point. The only thing he needs to be focused on right now is willing his cock to soften up a bit before he does something drastic about it.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
Heeseung thinks hard as he looks at himself in the mirror. He’s seeing two of himself which is kind of funny in one aspect, but also terrifying because he didn’t intend to drink this much.
Why is he so upset to see his friends go for you? You’ve been here a week and he’s already feeling so jealous? Really? Then again, he knew from the moment your sister told him you were moving you that it was going to be either very interesting or incredibly difficult.
Mostly because he’s stolen glances at you for years. Wondering when you’d ever come to visit, always looking so pretty and happy during those brief holiday gatherings. Oh yes, he’s had his eye on you for a fucking while. And now? You’re living here? And coming onto his friends right after he warned you not to?
For the past hour as he sipped and watched you roam the house, back and forth between the girls, your sister, and his boys, he couldn’t help but scoff at you for it. You haven’t spoken to him since the kitchen incident. A little bit of a blatant moment on his part, he admits, he even surprised himself with that.
Still, this protective feeling doesn’t come from being your future brother in law. Absolutely not. It stems entirely from the twitch in his pants he’s gotten nearly every single moment he’s gotten to take a long look at you.
It was manageable before, where he’d see you maybe once or twice a year. But now? It’s every single day, and it pisses him off that you’re not mingling with him during this party.
He stares at himself, bobbing his head to the music in the mirror before leaning forward against the counter and inching closer and closer to his own face.Finally, he can focus in and see only one of himself looking back in the mirror.
All he sees is a man who has managed to bag himself the perfect woman. One willing to coddle him and take care of him like a mother would, one willing to let him float through life unemployed for the time being, one that doesn’t entirely let him fuck the way he wants to solely because she’s far too confident in herself to let him pull such a thing with her.
Heeseung tilts his head at himself as he examines his face in the mirror, knocking his beanie off and running his fingers through his hair. Leaning back and once again to relish in his own doubled vision.
What he really sees looking back at him in that mirror is a man who bagged himself an almost perfect woman who appears to have a truly perfect sister. It’s the fact that suddenly, he can admit that he is bored in the bedroom, and a man who is far too eager to ignore that if he got the chance, he would be just like his friends regarding you.
He would be getting your number and asking to see what those tits look like under that skimpy shirt you’re wearing tonight. You’d probably show them too, considering the fact that you lived your entire life up until this point barred by church sermons and non-existent doors that offer no privacy to so much as finger yourself. You’re probably dying to experience all of the things you were already supposed to be well acquainted with at your age.
And as he thinks about it, head spinning in thoughts of what he’s already done just moments after you officially moved in, he slips his hand down. Groping himself through his jeans and staring down at the bulge that sits just above the counter.
He hangs his head, smirking and shivering at the small touch he lends to his own length. It’s the fact that he just got hard over the confirmation of being sexually unsatisfied in his own bedroom. The shamed truth that he stood here thinking a little too hard about what kind of nudes you’d send if he ever chose to ask for them, it’s not something he’s ashamed of either.
In fact, the thought of sneaking out of the bed while your sister sleeps just to slip into your room and cover your pretty little mouth in his cum? That’s more arousing than knowing he could just leave the bathroom right now and fuck your sister.
And he stands there for a few minutes testing that theory, running his fingers along the swollen inseam of his pants in a careful way, like his girlfriend does. He twitches once at the feeling, glancing up at himself in the mirror again, trying hard to imagine her in this bathroom with him.
Another twitch, weaker this time. He laughs at himself quietly in defeat before breathing in a deep inhale through his nose, allowing the muffled music just outside of the door to fade off through his hot ears and aroused mind.
He closes his eyes briefly when he grabs himself now. Rougher, harsher, messier. Trying to mimic the hand of a woman who probably hasn’t done this too much, trying to mimic what he thinks you’d do. His hips shift forward almost immediately and without intention, chasing the feeling of inexperience. Chasing the thought of someone that isn’t his girlfriend. He chuckles more now, confirming his theory.
Chasing it with his eyes closed up until he does open his eyes and sees himself looking so out of it for you. Knowing that you’re just ten feet away if he were to walk out of this bathroom right now, so drunk and cute, you probably wouldn’t think twice about giving it to him. Knowing that if he really wanted to, he could take you the way he’s always wanted your sister and you'd probably love every second of it.
He’d fuck you better. You’d be tighter, wetter, and louder for him than she ever has been.
And just as he goes to slide his hand down the front of his pants, intending to fuck his own fist to the thought of you tonight rather than turning that lock behind his own door to get between your sister’s legs, there’s a loud knock on the door. He jumps at the sound, adjusting his pants right back to where they belong before whipping around a bit too quickly and sending a bottle of perfume clattering to the floor in a loud POP sound.
“Shit-” He groans, smelling the intense aroma of what your sister wears, forcing his mind back to the reality of not being allowed to fuck you.
He tiptoes around the broken glass, nostrils burning at the strong scent before swinging the door open with an annoyed roll of his eyes.
“Heeeeeeeeseungie!” Your sister sings, fumbling over and leaning on him instantly with her arms circling his shoulders. She’s so gone that she doesn’t even notice the scent of her favorite perfume that just got destroyed.
“Hey honey,” Heeseung says calmly, appearing far more sober despite being a bit buckled at the knees. “Need help?”
She nods against his chest, unaware of his softening cock that wasn’t at all raging for her just moments before.
“There’s glass all over the floor right now, let’s go use your sister’s bathroom.”
The length in his pants shrank nearly instantly upon feeling her cling to him like this, with that cute, high pitched, voice she tends to use when she’s needy. He tries not to think about that though. Coming to terms with the fact that what used to get him off is currently turning him off? That’s too much of a dangerous thought right now.
“Mhm,” Your sister hums as he guides her to your closed bedroom door. “Wait!” Your sister panics, coming to her drunk senses for just long enough to blurt “She came in here with Sunghoon earlier, we should knock.”
Heeseung stiffens for a moment, pausing his step just outside your bedroom door. The weight of his own girlfriend against him should be something he loves right now, but he just finds himself wishing she’d get the fuck off of him.
The fact he’s somehow more pissed about you behind this door, probably giving it to Sunghoon, than he is in love with his girlfriend right now? Telling. He knocks once before immediately turning your door knob. Locked.
“Hey, your sister needs to use the bathroom.” Heeseung shouts right up against the crack of the door, wiggling the knob. “Open up!”
“Use the other bathroom!” You shout back in a muffled and far away sounding voice.
Heeseung stands there, pretending he doesn’t notice the sound of shuffling on the other side when the song booming through the speakers changes for a split second.
“Can’t use the other bathroom! There’s glass on the floor!”
Silence from the other side of the door for a brief moment then, click! You crack it open, cheeks flushed and eyes struggling to focus on him. Heeseung immediately pushes the door open to reveal not only Sunghoon, but Jake and Jay all three lounging around your room.
Still fully clothed, at least, but he can tell at least one of them appears to be struggling to hide his hard on. (Jake.)
Heeseung narrows his eyes at all three of the men. Jake sitting stiffly on the floor at the end of your bed, hands over his lap. Jay, lounging on your bed, as if he’s been on it a thousand times with a half-boner on full display. And then Sunghoon, clearly feeling some type of buzz as he’s the only one still drinking, leaning right up against the dresser that Heeseung built himself.
“Ooh,” Your sister hums, wiggling her finger at you.”Scandalous.”
You lend her a shy smile as you take a step back, willing them sooner rather than later to leave solely because you were busy in here.
Not like, fucking or anything. Just having a nice, innocent, conversation with three hot guys. That’s all. Plus, you’d never have been able to handle sitting alone in a room with these three if it weren’t for the alcohol in your system anyway. Especially with the way you initially only invited Sunghoon into your room to show him how you had the same style of socks he was wearing. Jake immediately followed both of you, followed by Jay, who was the one who closed the door and locked it.
And you pay no mind to Heeseung and your sister walking to your bathroom on unbalanced steps, you find yourself flopping back on the bed right beside Jay instead.
None of them have done anything at all to make you feel awkward or like this situation is dangerous either. In fact, the only thing you guys have talked about are the mutual interests that you share.
Poor you, so aloof when drunk. Unable to comprehend the fact that every single one of the guys in your room right now have made attempts to steer the conversation in their own way to things not so innocent.
You do try to ignore what happened in the kitchen with Heeseung though, avoiding eye contact with him as he makes his way back out of your room after helping with your sister. You think he’s glaring, maybe, but oh well.
“Anyway, back at home my dad would have never let me wear band shirts.”
“That’s tough.” Jay comments, side eyeing your chest in that top and low-key wondering how nice your tits would look braless, under one of his band shirts. “Bet he didn’t know he raised not one, but two sneaky daughters.”
You smile triumphantly, ignoring the shadow of your sister that they force you into.
“They made it really hard to break rules. Now though? I get to wear stuff like this and hang out with guys like you.”
“Yeah,” Jake trails off, turning his body to peek at you from the end of the bed. “Probably not the smartest move on your part.”
You bring your attention to him, seeing a blur of charming eyes and messy hair.
“What do you mean?”
“What he means is that, it’s probably not ideal to get shit faced then lock yourself in a room with three horny guys.” Sunghoon asserts, pushing off of the dresser and now setting himself on the foot of your bed. “You can’t tell?”
You, for some reason, are astonished at his words. Sunghoon, compared to the other two, seemed more quiet and reserved if you’re being honest. Then again, you’ve only known these guys for a few hours by this point. What you do know about Sunghoon, is that he’s horrifyingly attractive in the way he carries himself, which you can’t really say the same for Jake or Jay.
With his perfected dark hair and tall stance. he looms around with each expression on his face leaving little to the imagination in the way his eyebrows accentuate whatever thought flows behind his eyes. Somehow, he’s still the hardest to read, as you watch him assert his own form of dominance on your bed.
You’re blissfully unaware of how tame Sunghoon was actually being at this moment though. All three of them, they’re competing to see who fucks you first, and whoever wins? Ah, not only do they get a paid night at the bar out of it, but both losers have to fork over another sum of money equal to that of two seasons worth of battle passes to whatever game the winner may choose to play.
“I think this is a good time to hand you my phone, give me your number.” Jay cuts in quite quickly, ignoring the way Sunghoon invites himself into the space he created with you.
Jay doesn’t even let you process his words as he tosses his phone to the side and at you, watching it land on your stomach before sliding off to the other side of you.
“Ah, you’re cute.” He chuckles upon noting your terrible coordination skills of grabbing said phone.
“Well, I’m drunk, so.” You dead-pan, freezing when you feel him lean over you to grab the phone himself, staying there and hovering over you with it in his hand.
You let out a small gasp when you meet his eyes, staring straight through you.
Sunghoon rolls his eyes at Jay’s blatant show of interest, and Jake simply watches. Studies how you react to the forwardness.
“Go on.” Jay encourages you, holding the phone directly in front of you, where your eyes are still glued to his confident face, as if he’s not practically caging you in on your own bed like this. “Type it in.”
You do. Somehow managing to type your number perfectly on the screen placed in front of you, and he’s quick to turn the phone to himself, flicking his eyes back and forth between you and the screen as he presses the call button.
Your phone vibrates from the dresser and Jay gives a victorious and somewhat dark smile.
“One for me, zero for the idiots.” He laughs, lending you one more glance, a squeeze of his palm against your waist, and then he’s moving off of you and your bed as a whole. “Call me when you kick them out, I’ll sleep in here tonight.” He adds, leaving no room for argument before leaving the room entirely.
That leaves Sunghoon and Jake, sitting there trying to pretend it wasn’t expected of Jay to at least get your number first. He always starts strong, then again, he also always fumbles hard when things get gritty. In game and out of game.
“What a prick.” Sunghoon sighs, flopping back on the end of your bed and forcing you to shift your legs up and press them together to make room for his broad body.
He turns his face to look at you from down here, watching you spread your legs to look back at him. The motion is innocent at best, because you seem to trust that he’s not trying to be a pervert right now. Oh, but he is.
He looks at you from this angle hard, realizing how easy it could be to shift just a foot in the right direction to have his face right where you’d probably like it.
And you note the way he’s looking at you.
“Do you guys like…” You glance away from him, over to Jake who is now making his own way onto the bed where Jay was lying before. You shift for a moment, feeling like prey. “Do you guys always share a girlfriend?”
Jake snorts.
“Share?!” He laughs at your question more before settling back against your pillows and landing his hand on your thigh. Easy, simple, and obvious. “We don’t share anything.” He explains now, feeling the fabric of your bottoms and pushing your legs closed so that Sunghoon can’t lay down there and think up all sorts of fantasies.
“You’re gonna have to pick.” Sunghoon says in an annoyed tone, glaring at Jake for closing your legs.
He lifts up on his arms now, raising a brow.
“I’ll give you some advice though.” He says, noting how you listen to him more than you do Jake. “Jay has the stamina of a dead horse.”
Snorting only for a moment, you think hard about Jay. Noting his cool and collected demeanor. Uncaring, somewhat cold, but his face seemed warm and endearing when he looked at you from time to time. You could sense the confidence in him from the moment he looked at you when he walked into this house. Instant attraction, without even knowing his name, is what you felt. With that sleek hair style and pretty hands gripping a full bottle of tequila. He probably has more stamina than Sunghoon gives him credit for.
“And Jake.” Sunghoon laughs this time, pointing directly at the guy lying next to you. “Two strokes and he’s out of the game.”
You laugh again looking over to Jake, who stares at Sunghoon with a dark glare.
“What the fuck dude? That was one time!” He defends himself, babbling about how it was the first time he ever had sex, and how he can go way longer now.
“Me, on the other hand.” Sunghoon perks up as he runs his hands through his hair before smiling at you. “I just want to take you on a date.”
Ding ding ding! We have a winner.
“Really?” You ask, floored over possibly landing your first date in years that your parents wouldn’t be attending.
“Of course.” He nods politely, ignoring that Jake is even in the room now. “I’m not the kind of guy who is just trying to get between your legs.” He lies easily, glaring at Jake again for closing your legs earlier.
“So, what do you say?” Sunghoon encourages you to pick him at this moment, and the nod you give has him pulling his own phone out, asking you to tell him your number rather than forcing you to type it into his phone.
You smile as you give him the numbers, not at all seeing Jake try to sneakily type it into his phone as well.
“Good.” Sunghoon says, flopping back on your bed and now using his own hand to part your legs again. You look at him from above and feel elated by how petty and clean cut he is. “Don’t call Jay when I leave, then.”
You hum a confirmation, stretching out your arms and feeling confident as all hell at the way tonight has gone. Up until, well, Sunghoon makes his way out of the room and tries to drag Jake with him. Only because he knows Jake is awful at talking to girls but man, do they swoon if they’re into desperate guys. You seem to be into just about anyone, if Sunghoon is honest with himself.
“Come on, dickhead.” Sunghoon gripes at Jake, grabbing his hoodie and physically trying to drag him out of the room.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Jake says, pressing all of his body weight against your mattress and kicking Sunghoon away from him. “Play fair or I’ll tell her about last weekend.”
Sunghoon instantly avoids eye contact with him, knowing that if Jake were to spill the beans on how he forgot to leave the server during his uh…session, a date would be out of the question not only for now, but for good.
“You’re the fucking worst.” He grimaces before releasing Jake’s hoodie and stepping out of the room, only half wondering if he should truly let Jake shoot his shot as well.
Ultimately, Sunghoon finds himself stepping out of the door and directly into Jay.
“Well played.” Jay comments. “Guess I’ll just have to prove to her that you’re full of shit, won’t I?”
Sunghoon smiles a wicked grin, eyes narrowing at Jay.
“You won’t even get the chance.” He says, looking past Jay and down the hallway at Heeseung, who is shooting a death-glare at them. “Oh, check it.” He changes the subject by shoving Jay in the side to look at their friend. “He’s mad.”
Jay turns to look at whatever it is Sunghoon is talking about and simply laughs.
“He can tell something is up. Maybe we should tell him?” Jay asks, crossing his arms in interest.
“Eventually.” Sunghoon laughs as he pushes past Jay and makes his way to the kitchen for another drink.
Jake, on the other hand, is fucking vibrating as he sits alone in this room with you, dodging the questions about what Sunghoon did last weekend to cause such a reaction with an entirely made up sob story.
“Oh my god?” You coo out, turning to face him entirely. “That’s so sad!”
Jake mumbles, nodding his head as if he pities himself with a pout on his face.
“Yeah, I guess that’s just how things go for me though.” He shrugs, blinking at you with the biggest and softest eyes he can manage.
“I can’t believe she did that!” You bellow out now, entirely invested in the backstory of the love life he lost just a few months prior. “With her own cousin, too?!”
Jake nods again with that same pout, looking as defeated as he can, trying to be as charming as he possibly can.
You lean forward to give him a some form of hug at this moment, drunken emotion overtaking you as you sit and watch this poor guy pour his little broken heart out.
“If it makes you feel any better, my last boyfriend broke up with me because my dad threatened him.”
“No, that’s awful.” He chuckles sadly, shaking his head at you. “We’re both just unlucky, huh?”
He nods his head, seemingly to get you to shadow his actions, and as expected, you do. You nod to confirm his words, still invested in the fact that such a nice looking guy got fucked over like that, only to be made fun of by his friends for it.
So invested that you don’t note the way he keeps his hand on your leg or moves it upwards inch by inch.
“Can we change the subject?” Jake pouts harder, looking at you with sparkling eyes..
“Yeah, of course–”
“You’re really, really, pretty.” He suddenly blurts, looking you in the eye and using his other hand to brush a strand of hair out of your face. You totally believed his entire story, if the saddened look in your eye is anything to go by. “I think you should go on a date with me instead.”
You break eye contact, looking down again and only just now noticing his hand on your leg. Only just now noticing that hard-on he’s sporting in his pants.
“Jake.” You say, lifting your eyes back to him. “Are you–hard?” You lift your brows in pity again with the subject change, drunken brain telling you that he’s probably crawling in his skin over how hard he is, and how sad everything is for him.
“Oh, over this?” He asks, dropping his hand and blatantly groping himself. “A little. It always happens when someone as good looking as you gives me the time of day.”
Oh, how sweet. How cute. The fact that Jake gets hard simply over someone being nice to him?
“Well, don’t worry!” You try to perk him up, not at all realizing that he’s full of shit. “I know it’s not because you’re trying to get into my pants or anything. I won’t tell anyone.” You nod to him with a smile before– Uh oh.
“Well, actually–” Jake tries to start, already about to make his move when he notices the color on your face change and you’re fumbling to the bathroom.
And just like that, Jake has failed, as he stumbles out of your bed and to your locked bathroom door.
“Are you okay?” He asks with a sweet and caring voice.
Silence from the other end save for the sound of your sink running full blast probably to mask the sounds of your stomach trying to evacuate the copious amounts of alcohol that’s been fed to you.
So much for the pancakes being a fix-all solution. And with that, Jake leaves the room while pulling out his phone, texting the number he stole when you gave it to Sunghoon.
Jake: hey, don’t be embarrassed about getting sick. I’m gonna crash on the couch so if you need me i’ll be there.
After that, the party is pretty much over. Everyone save for the three perverts, Heeseung, and your sister remain.
This leaves your sister already passed out and tucked into her bed by none other than Heeseung himself, Jay already asleep on the couch, Sunghoon piled up on the floor between the dining room and the living room. Probably to create a barrier that would wake him if Jay really tried to get into your room.
And poor fucking Jake, forced to actually pity himself as he curls his body up on the love seat in the living room, pretending that it’s totally big enough for him to be comfortable here.
Heeseung looms around the house once everything goes silent, checking to be sure no one has passed out or died in a corner before coming back to the living room and staring at all three of his bitch-ass friends.
On one hand, he’s glad they’re in the living room and not in your room. On the other hand, he wants to smother all three of them. One by one.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
Heeseung is in his head for a solid three days after the party. So much that his focus is more on you than his games. Which is super fucked up when he thinks about it. That’s why, when your sister heads off to work, he’s plotting in his head every time. He needs you to like him somehow.
The thoughts loop in his mind. From images of him pinning you up and against that kitchen counter again, to the fantasy image of you dropping to your knees in front of him. If anything, it’s not that he needs to fuck you, he just needs you to want him to.
And this is why he finds himself orbiting you. Finding reasons to come into your room, or reasons to get you out of it.
“I’m gonna do some laundry, do you have anything I need to wash?” When you didn’t have anything more than what was already in your basket, he still washed your clothes. He also folded one of his own shirts into your pile just to see if you’d wear it.
“I made some lunch, come eat with me.” You already ate while he was in the office playing his games, which he should have guessed.
“Hey, can you help me wash the dishes?” You had nodded, but never left your room and he ultimately ended up washing and drying them all himself. Waiting, waiting, and fucking waiting.
All three times he tried today, you brushed him off with your eyes glued to your phone.
Something has got to give because it’s starting to get embarrassing how much he thinks about you. With the way he avoided sex last night with his own, very beautiful girlfriend, just to hide in the bathroom at four in the morning getting off with something he absolutely should not have in his possession.
He doesn’t know how fucking long it’s gonna take to get you to break for him but it’s going to happen one way or the other. You don’t have a choice in the matter at this point .
It looks like you won’t even consider him in that pretty little head of yours simply because he’s considered off limits. He’s gonna have to prove you wrong.
Still, he remembers the way you looked at him during your welcome party. So cute and sweet when you’re drunk, so willing to hang out with him. The interest was there. He knows it was.
And now, as he ticks away at the WASD keys on his keyboard, running his little pixel version of himself back and forth between headshots that he misses every time, he wants to rip his fucking hair out.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Jay shouts through the headset. “He was right there!”
Heeseung knows his friends have every reason to rag on him right now. It’s the fifth lost ranked game of the day and he’s rotting inside at the thought of dropping back down to gold.
“Platinum my ass.” Sunghoon pipes in, slamming his mouse on his desk out of sheer annoyance at what happened during the last game. “You didn’t down a single person in the past three games.”
Heeseung sighs, ripping his headset off and closing out the game. He can feel it in his body. The frustration bubbling up to the point that he really only thinks about you and this shit needs to stop now before his precious rank drops so far down that even their bronze boy Jake could boast above him.
He ignores the annoyed shouts from his friends as he disconnects from discord, stands up, and practically storms out of the room and up to your door.
“I’m coming in!” Heeseung gripes.
This is your first time witnessing him in a bad mood, as he does exactly as he says and swings your door open for the fourth time today.
“You and me.” He says, pointing a finger at you “Right now.”
“Right now, what?” You ask in a nonchalant tone.
Which only pisses him off more because, fuck if he knows.
“Get off your phone. We’re hanging out.”
You furrow your brow at him, pointer finger locking the screen of your phone and hiding the string of texts you’d been sharing with one of his very own best friends. Your eyes scan him only for a moment, noting how rushed he appears to be while barging into your room like this.
Large hoodie covering the majority of his body, sweat on his brow probably from all of that screaming you heard in the office earlier, and that same very embarrassing dent on the top of his head from his headset.
As you look at him in all of his gamer boy glory you nod, only because out of all of his friends, you think you’d rather hang out with him because at least he’s not in your texts trying to land a date, or a hookup, or dropping dick pics by “accident”.
He’s just Heeseung, your sister’s loving and very hard to read boyfriend. Who you don’t happen to fully remember is capable of pinning you against the kitchen counter while trying to show you how much worse he is compared to his friends.
“Okay, what do you wanna do?”
He pauses, standing in your room and looking at you lounging on your bed. If he really told you what he’d like to do, it would probably scare you. He needs to think fast, not desperate.
“Uh,” He hums, glancing away from you and lifting his hand up to finally ruffle that embarrassing dent in his hair away. “Have you ever played video games?”
“Yeah. Not the ones you play though.” You roll your eyes at his attempt at sudden small talk.
God, he shouldn’t have asked. He doesn’t think you could make yourself any more alluring to him after saying that. While his girlfriend has never once even considered picking up a controller, you have? Oh, shit. Man, that’s so hot.
“Oh yeah?” He perks up in genuine interest, taking a step forward and landing himself on your bed without invitation. “Like what?”
“Party games mostly, I guess. Mario Party, Super Smash Bros, Wii sports, Among us.”
He nods as you list the most mundane games in the industry.
“Did you pick up pretty quickly? Like, did you ever win?” He asks, unaware that this conversation feels like literal foreplay to him, pleased by the fact that there’s suddenly more to like about you than just those tits and face….and personality….and intense need to break rules…and–
“Yeah, I can be kind of competitive.”
“Mm.” Heeseung nods in approval, turned on by the very image of you staring into a screen with dead eyes, fingers smashing on buttons and intensely focused.
“Do you wanna watch me play something?”
“How is that hanging out?” You ask, scoffing at the idea. “Why would I want to watch you have fun?”
Heeseung looks at you. Yeah, that’s fair. He would probably end up ignoring you the whole time anyway, but still. Is it so bad that he asked simply to fulfill the fantasy of having a girl fawn over him and his successes?
“Okay, then what would you want to do?” He shoots back, knowing it’s fair but hating it nonetheless. Wondering if there’s a chance that someday you’ll pile up on his lap and watch him carry the whole team to victory. Boasting for him more than he does for himself.
“Horror movie. I’m sure she’s told you but our parents were very strict about what media we consumed. I have a whole list of horror movies I’m trying to work through, but sometimes it’s kind of difficult to watch by myself.”
Fuck yeah. Maybe it’ll end in that cringe and cliche scenario he’s used time and time again when flirting with girls. Images of you jumping from a jumpscare and grabbing him on instinct. Fantasies of you cuddling up real close. So close that he can smell how much you want him. He could get hard right now just thinking of doing this very thing with you. Plus, he fucking loves horror movies.
“Get your pretty ass in the living room then. ” He nods, smiling at you in a way that hides every thought behind his empty, horny eyes.
And he just gets up and walks out like calling you pretty just now wasn’t at all out of place, he fucking winks at you. It really does throw you off that he just did that so nonchalantly, like he talks to everyone that way when you know for a fact that outside of this house, your sister has to fight him just to get him to wave hello to someone.
You wonder why it feels like maybe you shouldn’t be spending time alone with him. Arguably, you don’t want to admit that it makes you feel good either. Already with three separate, very attractive people, in your texts insisting that you pick them, that you choose them.
All of it is very desperate. Almost as desperate as you are to give in to every single one of them, but you can’t just let them know how sheltered you were and how free you feel the need to be now.
Of course Heeseung, your sister’s boyfriend, calling you pretty would make you feel confident. Like maybe you could be with someone just as attractive as him, or perhaps no longer live in the shadow of everything you wish you could be.
Her. Everything was always about her.
“Oh, your sister got top of her class! She’s gonna be moving out soon!” She really just left you there to suffer alone.
“Ah! Your sister just bought a house! I heard she and her boyfriend might marry soon!”
You scoffed that day when you entered college, no one congratulated you for the countless free rides or multiple acceptance letters. No, it was all about her despite the fact that she lived an hour and a half away and you were right there.
She was only better than and outshined you because she was older and got there first. It was never competitive with you until everyone in your life expected you to outshine, outdo, and outwit her.
Still, you jumped at the opportunity to live here solely to get away from your parents. Solely to try and live outside of everything you could be, only to become whatever the fuck you want to be. And yeah, you love her immensely because she truly is the only person who never expected you to be her. There’s so much resentment but an equal amount of love within you for your sister.
And while Heeseung has no idea of this resentment you have rotting in your chest, you also have no idea that Heeseung believes the one thing you hold over your sister is the fact that you’re just her, except, well…younger, hotter, wilder, prettier, more inexperienced. Cuter voice. Snarkier attitude. Open, and perhaps, willing.
If you knew that, perhaps Heeseung calling you pretty as if it’s his natural born right would become something different in your head. Perhaps you’d want to live in your sister’s shadow just once more. Why not try and take what your sister has? Wouldn’t that be fun?
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
What a fucking bummer, Heeseung thinks, as he sits on one end of the couch with you on the other. He’s watched you more than the movie at this point, but the clock is tick-tick-ticking, and you’re just sitting there pushing through the horrors with a smile. Something's got to give.
Your sister comes home in three hours, leaving space for just one more movie and he is truly determined to score this win if it’s the last thing he does. The worst part? Morals don’t mean shit if you want him to fuck you.
If there’s one thing Heeseung hates more than losing, it’s one-sided attraction. He knows he’s not the problem, you are for not looking at him long enough. You are for not even considering that he could fuck you better than anyone in all of those porn accounts you follow on twitter. Not that he stalked it or anything (he did.)
And that’s why, as his stare becomes darker, he stands up and scratches the back of his head with a sigh.
“I’ll be right back.” He says, watching you wave him off as if you were totally paying attention to him.
That’s going to change right the fuck now.
He heads to his shared room with your sister, stepping into the walk in closet and examining himself in the wall length mirror before sighing.
Goddamn, he really stopped caring about how he looked once he finally got between your sister’s legs and locked her down. It’s no wonder you gave his friends more attention that night than you’ve ever given to him. He inspects his hair, messy and frizzy from his hoodie being pulled over and off of his head throughout the day. The cowlicks in the back leaving nothing to your imagination in regards to when the last time he washed the fucked-up locks was.
He sighs at himself, licking his palm and trying to tame the cowlick. God, a shower right now would seem ridiculous because he’s supposed to be on the couch with you, standing up the gore and death on screen so your hand will accidentally touch his dick or something.
No good. He needs to backpedal a little bit with his confidence, probably. He steps out of his room, taking his hoodie off at the same time. He rolls the sleeves of his t-shirt now, wanting to at least reveal his shoulders and arms to you. Wanting to parade himself around the house until you drip for him.
“Hey.” He walks back into the living room, still rolling the last bit of his left sleeve up and over his shoulder. “Can you pause the movie for like ten minutes and throw a pizza in the oven or something?”
You look up at him and the way he seems like he’s thinking about something far off from any situation that’s currently happening.
“Yeah, sure.” You nod, reaching for the remote and pausing the movie. “We could just keep watching while the pizza cooks though.”
He chuckles, knowing you’d say that and not at all having an excuse.
“I need to take a shower.” He dead-pans, as if it’s not sudden or weird that he’s decided to rudely interrupt the last movie of the night with a shower that could definitely wait.
“Just shower after we finish the movie.” You roll your eyes, still standing to your feet and heading towards the kitchen. “It’s not like your stink will get any worse in the matter of a few hours.”
Oh, so now he smells bad?! Is that why you aren’t into him?
“Or you could stop complaining and make the fucking pizza.” He snaps for the first time with a tone that indicates you should probably listen and do as he says.
“God, what’s your problem?”
“My problem? What’s yours?” He shoots back, far too annoyed that you play hard to get like this. There’s no way you seriously aren’t getting it. “You’re the one sitting around like you’d rather be doing anything else.”
You press the preheat button on the oven, and look at him shocked. Are his–feelings hurt? Are you really acting like a bitch, or uninterested in getting to know the man your sister will probably spend her life with?
Were you really acting like you weren’t having a good time? God, you must be such a drag.
“What? I was having fun, Heeseung, I like watching movies with you.” You try to explain, but he cuts you off.
“Fucking act like it then.” He gripes before turning on his heel and leaving you alone in the kitchen.
It’s not like you knew he expected you to be interested in friendship with him or anything. You were just…hanging out. You really didn’t know it was supposed to go differently in his head, and the fact that it appears that he does have a specific expectation? You wonder how to fulfill it.
After all, you’re trying to avoid showing all the interest you actually have for him when you’re hanging out. It’s what you’re supposed to do, right? And well, by the time he’s out of the shower and presenting himself to you, you think you might have a better idea as to what he’s thinking. Is he trying to impress you right now?
You can smell his cologne mixed with a minty scented shampoo. His hair looks blow dried. His skin is glistening, and he’s fucking shirtless.
He watches when he sits down, this time closer to you on the couch presumably so you could share the pizza sitting on the coffee table just in front of you then he checks the clock. Only about thirty minutes wasted out of the remaining time he has with you alone, and then he checks you. Staring. Damn right.
To you, he looks different.
Not just handsome, or kind of endearing in a loser way. But he actually looks sexy sitting there, with those loose gray sweatpants leaving nothing to the imagination in terms of size, and his exposed torso makes it harder to keep your eyes to yourself.
His broad shoulders seem to accentuate his neck much more than you imagined considering you never have seen him lounge around like this, and his hair is no longer dented. It’s washed, fresh, and looks fucking good on him.
Then, his smirk. It’s permanent on that knowing face of his.
“What are you looking at?” He side eyes you, totally ignoring the pizza because he wasn’t actually hungry.
He feels a victory welling up in his chest at the way you look at him though, seeing you already get so flustered? So easy.
“Um,” You pause, tearing your eyes away in embarrassment. “Nothing.”
He chuckles once in a short breath before stretching himself back against the couch cushions, spreading his legs wide and taking dominance over the space in the room.
“Didn’t seem like nothing.” He flirts easily, testing the waters of how willing you are to admit that he’s getting his way. “You were checking me out.”
You face forward now, shifting closer to the arm of the couch and pretending like you can't feel the warmth of the hot water he must have used radiating off of him.
“Of course not!” You laugh nervously, lunging forward for the remote again. “Why would I check you out?”
Heeseung rolls his eyes at your shitty attempt to lie.
“Because I took my shirt off for you.” He says, turning his head to look at you with a malicious smirk. “Was that not obvious?”
You turn to look at him in surprise. Why the fuck would he even say that to you?!
“Do you like me better this way? Half naked?”
“What are you talking about?” You avoid him like your life depends on it, not wanting to admit that you definitely find him more attractive right now than you ever have, and the fact that he’s talking to you like this only further pushes you to want what you can’t have.
“You think I’m hot, don’t you?” He presses, bouncing his leg and keeping his eyes on the way your chest heaves at his words.
“You want me, don’t you?” He continues pressing, repeating the question in a way that makes you feel forced to agree with him.
“You’re gonna think about me the next time you–”
“Heeseung!” You shout, turning your entire body towards him with heat searing on your cheekbones. “What the fuck are you talking about? You’re dating my sister.” You try to bring both him and yourself back to reality with that statement, more upset internally at the fact that you’re right about it.
He’s dating your sister and yet, he’s…doing this. To you. And you fucking like it?
“Yeah, no shit.” He laughs you off, looking down at his lap and feeling a twitch at the way you don’t leave the room. Proving in some way that you definitely like it. “And I’m still right, aren’t I? You’re just playing hard to get.”
You stare at him, dumbfounded and utterly shocked by his blatant attempts to come onto you. Unfortunately, you’ve never been in this situation before and your eyes tell on you the same way your body language does. Of course he’s right, and you know you’re doing a terrible job of hiding it.
“Ah, Yeah.” He smiles, watching how you try to keep your eyes on his face but failing. “I’m right.” He continues, lifting his ass just slightly to accentuate the shape of his cock under these sweats for you to get a good eye full.
You swallow, looking away from him and squeezing your legs together. It feels like such a sudden change of atmosphere. What was once a deniable crush on him becomes a confusing whirlwind wet panties and zero morality.
Does he get off on trying to rile you up? There’s no fucking way he’d actually go through with any of this. He’s just doing it because he thinks it’s cute that you want him. Right?
You know for a fact that if Jay talked to you this way, you would have let him do whatever he wanted to you. But this is Heeseung. Not Jay, not Jake, not Sunghoon, with their shitty attempts at trying to pull off the exact thing. Oh god, this is bad. This is so bad.
“I’m going to my room.” You swallow around the thick words, not at all wanting to leave the room solely because your body is giving in instantly to the fact that Heeseung is dirty talking to you for no goddamn reason.
Perhaps it’s the fact that the one thing your sister has that you shouldn’t ever be able to obtain is doing this. Never did you think a mere idea that he’s attractive would turn into a split second decision of wanting him to fuck you.
“No, you’re not.” He chuckles, spreading his legs a bit wider now and looking down at his lap, the same exact spot your eyes are looking at. “You’re going to try and keep your eyes on the screen, and we’re going to finish this movie.”
Safe to say, that was a harder demand to follow than you anticipated and he seemed to fucking love raising his brow at you each time he caught your eye on him.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
By the time your sister returned home and essentially tamed her boyfriend from acting out any longer, you felt…insane. She tamed him without even knowing that he was acting out, not double-taking at all when she walked in to him spread out and shirtless on the couch with you struggling to watch the movie. You felt his confidence radiating, making the living room feel suffocating and unstable in terms of if you belong there or not.
You find yourself in your room now, cuddling up in your bed with thoughts ruminating on how you have not one, not two, not three, but four men throwing themselves at you. You don’t recall ever actually giving them the idea that this is okay. Or maybe you did? You’re not sure.
You scroll through your text messages, old friends from back home falling into the background each time you open a message from Jake, or the other two that consistently check in with you like you’re some sort of prize to be won.
Maybe you want to be a prize for some handsome guy to flaunt though, and you embody all of that confidence you got from, somehow, having the one man you’re not supposed to ever obtain parading around for you.
You embody it to text back. To be bold. To give in to the arousal that just slammed you in the gut, reeling from the very idea that there are men in this world who want to fuck you and you’re about fed up with pretending it’s a lie.
You: are you done with your game?
You send the same message separately to all three of Heeseung’s friends, and somehow you’re still unaware that they all three share the information with each other in discord.
“Are you done with your game?” Jake mimics in a feminine tone. “She’s playing with all of us.”
Jay chuckles through the mic, damning them to be second and third place as he quickly texts back.
Jay: no, but I can be. Why?
“To be fair, we’re kind of playing with her too.” Sunghoon cuts in, responding in his own way to your text and telling you that he’s bored, that he’s waiting on you to give him a date and time to pick you up, that he’s annoyed with his friends.
“Well, yeah!” Jake bellows through the muffled mic. “I mean, look at her.”
“Oh, I’ve looked.” Sunghoon smiles at himself before snapping his eyes to the discord and noting how Jay has muted himself.
“That mother fucker.”
Jake follows suit, noting exactly what Sunghoon is calling out before lending a groan of his own.
“He’s trying so hard.” He rolls his eyes, knowing for a fact that Jay is probably already mid text-conversation with you.
And he would be right, as you lay against your pillows and let Jay’s conversation overpower the two other unopened texts from his friends.
You: im a little overwhelmed right now, not sure how to explain it.
Jay: overwhelmed how?
You: well…
You take a second to yourself to breathe, feeling your entire body radiate with a feeling that can only resemble that of want, or perhaps need. You’ve sexted multiple times in your life, but never in a situation where you’re sexting because you’re overwhelmed more than just aroused.
It’s the fact that you’re bringing it up this time after playing uninterested since any of them started texting you. You’ve dodged Jake’s dick pics, you’ve pushed off the date you agreed to go on with Sunghoon, and you’ve even gone as far as telling Jay you’re not interested at all.
Now though? You can imagine what he’d think of you to see you bring it up. Do you care though? Not that much. After all, you’re single, you’re consumed by the ability to do whatever you want, and Jay’s hot.
You: im frustrated.
You: REALLY frustrated.…sexually
Jay: oh yeah? for me?
You stare at the screen, sending him an emoji that confirms your words for a third time before swiping away and looking at your inbox of available men. You know who else is hot? Sunghoon.
You: hey if we went on a date, where would you take me?
Sunghoon: probably a movie or something idk, why? what would you wanna do?
You: id wanna go to your house
Sunghoon: and why is that, cutie?
And as you pick up conversations with both men, reeling from the attention, you think…hmm, you wanna know who else is hot? Jake.
You: Jakeeeee
Jake: whaaaat :)
You: remember that dick pic you sent to me then begged me to delete because it was an accident?
Jake: …
You: i didn’t delete it.
Jake: you like it?
You: maybe.
And you guess this is who you are now, plotting and setting up some form of sexting situation with three different men, who are all very close friends, who all very much seem to reciprocate your advances.
It’s actually pretty cool, as you lay here reading words from a different man every two minutes. Jay telling you exactly how he could help you with that frustration, Sunghoon asking you to explain what you’d wanna do in his house with him, and then Jake blatantly sending his cock to you again like he has nothing better to do.
It’s all fun and games until things start to get real heated and you get kind of into it. Focusing on Jay’s little message of, “im helping you out here, you should help me too. send pics.”
You ask yourself why you consider doing it before swiping away and landing on a video of Jake, face bright and smiling before lowering the camera. Blatantly fucking himself just because you said he had a nice dick.
Your body is feeling permanent goosebumps because of those two, overwhelming you more than you could have imagined to see just how far they’d be willing to go to try and convince you to do the same for them.
Sunghoon brings a different form of arousal in his inbox though. Far more tame than the others, asking you to push, telling you to say all of the dirty things rather than him. Pushing for a date.
Sunghoon: keep talking to me like this, ill come get you right now.
You: not yet, just this for now.
Sunghoon: no pressure, are you touching yourself at least?
You: I am
Sunghoon: yeah? thinking about me too right?
You: yea
You’re lying. Kind of. Half-lying, at least, because you are thinking about him but you’re also thinking about Jake, and Jay, and sending nudes, and– Heeseung.
You’re thinking about Heeseung, and only because you can hear the shuffling in the room a wall over. Then? Thumping, right behind you as you lay in your bed. At this moment, you should be able to focus on the men blatantly trying to fuck you, but instead you’re reminding yourself of how Heeseung looked earlier.
And you’re listening. Thumping, thumping, thumping, until you hear–
“Don’t cover your mouth, she’s probably asleep anyway.” You hear Heeseung bellow out in a far-away voice.
Great. They’re fucking. Just fucking great. Well, now what? You think, as you thumb back and forth between messages with frustration.
Your mind reels as you listen though. Imagining Heeseung more than anything being the force behind those thumps on your wall. His voice almost croaked when he regarded you directly to your sister while fucking her. Why can’t you stop thinking about him? All it took was a single day of marathoning movies?! A single shower?!
God, you’ve got to seem desperate to be reacting this way. He probably thinks that shit is funny. And as you now shove your headphones in your ears so as to not hear anymore of it, you stand on your feet and walk to your bathroom. You’re too interested in being fucked now, might as well give the boys something to look at, right?
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
“She really is trying to get away with it.” Sunghoon says, dumbfounded by the receipts provided by all three boys in their own private group chat.
Without Heeseung.
“Yeah, but she sent me an ass pic.” Jay boasts, smiling to himself and silently saving the other provided images that you sent to his friends.
“Whatever, I’m picking her up today for what she wants to call a “date”. She literally said she wanted me to pull her hair.”
Jake gasps, offended.
“What the fuck? She said she wanted to pull my hair!” He groans. “Why am I the one she thinks would like that?! I have a big dick! I could–”
“Anyway,” Jay cuts him off. “She really is just like her sister. Heeseung doesn’t even know how I’ve seen his precious girlfriend’s pussy, only a matter of time before I’m seeing her little sister’s too.”
Sunghoon rolls his eyes, ignoring Jake’s huffing and puffing as he does his best not to laugh at Jay’s almost victory over your sister.
“Well, I’m getting the girl this time.” He says, opening his texts and reading through the presumed masturbation session he shared with you last night. “Said she couldn’t wait to see me.”
“I’m sure she could though.” Jay says, competitive, wanting to win. “You’ll see.”
Sunghoon can sense the competition in the air, knowing that Jay is probably coming up with some lame ass plan to get in your pants before he can even get the chance to pick you up tonight.
And then there’s Jake.
“You know, maybe she’s right.” He rambles on, thinking hard about how your dynamic with the other two seems to differ greatly from the way you speak to him. “I do have better hair than both of you combined.”
And they stay like that, roasting each other while simultaneously lusting over the same girl until Heeseung gets online and pings them in the regular group chat for a round of gameplay.
“What’s up, virgins?” Heeseung greets, booting up his game and noting the silence in the voice chat.
“I said, what’s u–”
“We heard you.” Sunghoon chimes in, preparing himself for a direct mission of humbling the fuck out of him. “Call me a virgin all you want, doesn’t change the fact that I’m getting my dick wet tonight.”
“Please.” Heeseung laughs, rolling his eyes as he waits for them to get into the game lobby. “Who would stick your dick in them anyway?”
“Your girlfriend’s little sister.” Sunghoon announces.
Excuse me?
“In your dreams.” Heeseung tries to laugh, but is interrupted yet again by his two other friends laughing first. “Wait, you’re serious?”
Sunghoon hums a confirmation, which leads Heeseung to wonder what the fuck happened in the span of one single night. He could have sworn he had you in the palm of his hand on that couch. He knew you heard how good he fucks your sister.
There’s no way.
“Nah, she’s already got a crush on someone else.” He continues to brush Sunghoon off. “And it’s not you.”
“Yeah, because it’s me.” Jay laughs, bombarding Heeseung with another low blow. “Why else would she take her shorts off for me?”
Anger? Yes. Jealousy? Also yes.
“Bullshit.” Heeseung calls out, staring at his discord and the way his friend’s names light up every time they laugh.
“What are they trying to do, Jake? Spill.”
Jake silences his laughing.
“Oh, you think he didn’t get nudes too?” Jay laughs harder. “She sent them to all three of us last night. Different pictures too, she wasn’t skimping on the goods, I can tell you that much.”
Heeseung takes a moment to breathe through his nose. “And just why did she send you nudes?”
“I didn’t even ask for them, Hee, honest!” Jake tries to get on his good side. “I guess showing her my dick did something for her though.” That did not get him on Heeseung’s good side.
“Why the fuck is she sending you guys nudes?” He asks again, this time slightly raising his voice.
You should have been sending him nudes to prove your insatiable lust that you must have. Right? Like, why not him? If anyone?
“Oh, right.” Sunghoon finally reveals the truth. “First person to fuck her wins.”
“Is that so?” Heeseung leans back in his chair, crossing his arms with narrowed eyes at their stupid usernames.
Competition is what he’s best at.
“Yeah.” Sunghoon confirms. “And by the end of the night, I’ll be the winner.”
“That’s what he thinks, anyway.” Jay snickers. “She’s already texted me a cute little good morning like she didn’t sext three guys last night.”
“Mhm.” Jake hums into the mic. “Me too.”
Sunghoon tilts his head in confusion at that, now checking his phone and noting that he hasn’t received his own good morning from you yet. Weird.
“You guys are aware that you can’t do that, right?” Heeseung chimes in, knowing that he’s playing their game now. And he’s good at playing games. “You seriously can’t be trying to rail my girlfriend’s sister.”
“Yeah. We are, actually.” Jay overtakes the conversation. “Besides, she wants it.”
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
You wake up feeling insanely embarrassed by how you acted like night.
Tonight’s date with Sunghoon probably won’t happen. There’s no way you can live up to the confidence you showed him.
You: hey can we raincheck?
Sunghoon: no wtf?
He reacts negatively, because his victory is now being ripped from his hands by the prize herself. It’s not even just like, the fact that he wants to fuck you just to say he did it before anyone else could. It’s the fact that you’re kind of cool. Incredibly hot, and super willing to slut yourself out.
Just his type. He loves being able to tame girls and keep them locked between his legs, with his cock in their throat.
You: sorry i just don’t feel good today, can try this weekend?
Sunghoon sighs, sending you a short approval before focusing back on the intense game playing out on his screen.
“She canceled on me.” Sunghoon complains, shooting a player dead between the eyes before crouching and running off to find his next kill of frustration. “Jay, what did you fucking do?”
Jay snorts, smirking on his end of the screen, camping like an asshole in a bathroom and waiting for some unsuspecting dad of six to run by and get his cheeks clapped by some idiot with the username of DADDYJAY02.
“Told her I’d fuck her real good if she cancels.” He jokes, mostly focused on the current game at hand.
Heeseung is pleased to learn that you’re skipping the date though, leading him to believe that maybe he was right in thinking he’s got you in the palm of his hand.
Still doesn’t change the fact that you’ve got nudes in your phone. Nudes that you sent to three fucking losers that couldn’t even come close to doing what he could do for you.
“He’s talking shit. She hasn’t left her room all morning.” Heeseung says. “I already told you guys that she has a crush on someone, and it’s not any of you. So, you can go ahead and kiss your bullshit sex-game goodbye.”
Jake pipes in now, listening to the sheer amount of confidence coming from Heeseung and Jay.
“I dunno.” He breathes, picking people off one by one in his own, less-than-great playstyle. “She’s still texting me and being all cute. Maybe she just thinks you guys are weird.”
“What did she say?” Heeseung asks, now more focused on what Jake might say rather than the fact that Jay just got downed and needs help.
“Something about how she feels embarrassed about everything but likes talking to me, heart emoji and all.” He says in a nonchalant tone, now being downed himself in game. “Me and Jay are down.”
“Stay down then.” Heeseung scoffs, ignoring both dying friends as he focuses on the win.
“Dude, fucking pick me up.” Jay now argues, throwing his hands up at the gameplay, watching Heeseung blatantly run straight past him. “Heeseung! Pick me the fuck up!”
He snickers in response.
“Stop trying to fuck her and I’ll pick you up.”
“I’d rather die.” Jay argues back, accepting his in-game death and instead pulling his phone out to text you. “In fact, I’ll text her right now.”
Sunghoon, listening to the chaos and still neck-to-neck in terms of kills with Heeseung, tries to ignore the fact that he’s losing the only game he cares about winning right now.
“All three of you are starting to get annoying.” Sunghoon mumbles into the microphone, killing the last remaining player and stretching his arms out in a sigh.
“You’re just mad because she’s ghosting you for me.” Jake sings out happily.
Heeseung listens, seething in his head about how they’re really just gonna keep doing this shit and decides, fine.
He’s already playing the game they’re playing. He’s been playing it for much longer, actually, with those panties he took from your dresser when he built it. With the way he placed your bed against the same wall his bed is against, just so you could listen and suffer for his cock to stuff you full instead.
If it’s a fucking competition they want, they’re gonna get it.
And with that? He logs off without so much as a goodbye before heading to his bathroom. For the first time in years caring more and more about how he dresses and carries himself just to see you want him.
He styles his hair, brushes his teeth, perfects his hair with the hood up on his hoodie, and then heads straight to your room.
“Hey, Sunghoon said he’s supposed to be going on a date with you tonight.” He says as soon as he gets to your door.
You look panicked.
“Oh, he told you?” You say, avoiding eye contact with him because goddamn does he look good today but also, what the fuck Sunghoon?!
“Yeah.” He answers in a less than entertained tone.
“Did he–” You pause, now looking at him and his stupid attractive stance against your door. “–say anything else?”
“Oh, he told me all about it.” He admits to you now, loving the way you curl into your own embarrassment. “I did warn you, you know.”
You blink at him, wanting to hide from the entire situation. Especially because the only reason you went for his friends was because he got you all choked up.
“Still, I thought you’d tame yourself a little bit. I mean– Jay too? Really?” Heeseung starts to pick you apart with the information he’s learned today. “And Jake?”
You groan out, covering your face with both hands.
“God, I don’t know what I was thinking.” You try to explain. “I just–”
“You were wet.” He answers for you, smiling at the way you try to run from the truth. “So wet for me that you ran to my friends?”
Only now do you move your hands from your face and look at him. Shocked that he got straight to the point, and is entirely correct.
“You got their hopes up, you know.” He continues, taking control of the situation as he crosses his arms and leans his head back and against your doorframe. “Right after getting my hopes up.”
“What are you–”
“You know what I’m talking about, and you know exactly what I’m doing.” He cuts you off, speaking for you, thinking for you, not letting you get a word in to doubt a single thing he’s saying. “You know what you’re doing too. So, look at me next time I come in here and call you out on your bullshit.”
Your eyes stay on him, full of embarrassment and a sense of guilt. You feel scolded, which is so fucking wrong and weird for it to come from him of all people.
“Time to stop pretending now, babe. If you want this–” He says, looking down between his legs and grabbing his bulge. “You’ll stay away from my friends.”
And then he just…leaves with a smile? Doesn’t even let you respond?
“I’m going to the store, we don’t have shit to eat in this house.” You hear him complain as he walks down the hallway, acting as if he didn’t just word-fuck you with the truth that you weren’t quite ready to accept.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
You’re losing it. Truly, you’re losing every ability in your body to ignore the fact that you not only think about Heeseung in ways you shouldn’t, you want him in ways that should be a fucking crime.
Seeing him grab himself like that in your doorway? Fuck, if he hadn’t of walked away right after, you very well may have found yourself with your ankles up by your ears, begging him to use it on you.
No self restraint at this point, and you don’t even care.
Your phone is long forgotten as you pace your room, wondering if you should leave the house too, just to find a sex shop that has a Heeseung sized and shaped cock for you to fuck yourself on in order to get this intense feeling of need out of you.
That’s really all it took for him to make you go fucking feral for it? A little bit of flirting? A little bit threatening? A grab of his cock, practically dangling it in front of you like the two of you are allowed to be having those kinds of moments together?
Fuck him for knowing how to get you horny more than you know how to do it yourself. Since when did you like men to act that way towards you? Since fucking when did you get off on a boyfriend that your sister intends to fucking marry?!
It’s so fucked up, and it’s equally fucking hot to you because it’s fucked up.
Out of everything your sister has that you don’t, Heeseung is the one you want most. And he’s just fucking…he’s just–
God damn it. You sigh, pacing back and forth, checking the time on your phone and ignoring all of your unread texts. Heeseung has only been gone for a total of ten minutes and it feels like you’ve been pacing for hours.
Throbbing between your legs at the small glimpses of his size under whatever pants he wears. With his hair, and his skin, and his stupid, shit-eating smirk that he throws at you. Telling you he knows. Showing you that he likes it.
You stop your pacing for a moment, squeezing your eyes shut tight to try and flutter the images of him out of your head. Trying to get the reality to come back to you.
What’s fucked up is that it is reality that he’s doing this to you. You can’t avoid it like it’s a guilty little wet dream you’d be able to hide.
It’s real.
And, well, fuck it. You love your sister just as much as you always have, even as you want to fuck her boyfriend. Even as her boyfriend seemingly wants to fuck you.
Even as you leave your room, entering their room for the first time.
Even as you inspect their bed, the placement suspiciously right on the other side of your own bed against the wall.
Even as you smell the familiar scent of Heeseung on one of the pillows and instantly throw yourself on the bed against it, shoving it between your legs in a desperate and obvious show of how much you really, really, fucking want it.
And if this is what it feels like to lose your fucking mind? So be it.
His pillow is soft, offering little pressure to your clit as you writhe against it, but you moan louder than you ever have while pleasuring yourself. For once, the house is empty and for once, you have a point of arousal that doesn’t involve porn.
Your mind falls into images of him, and the way he moves his body during every day instances. Then, to the way he sounded when he fucked your sister in this very same bed. He must fuck hard, because that consistent thumping on your wall seemed to prove it already.
Fuck, you hope he fucks hard.
You saw the outline of it a few times by now too, so big even while flaccid and uninterested in you. He must know how to contain himself too. Real calm, real collected when it comes to how he’d probably use it.
The images swim up and down behind your eyes as you writhe your clit against the corner of his pillow for what feels like ages, knowing your panties are being pushed into the folds of your wet core, feeling your shorts skew as you move, back and forth, stretching with each grind forward.
You’re aware that parts of your pussy are out in the open between grinds, feeling the soft material of his pillow rub you only slightly raw with the force of your movements, and you simply don’t care. You’re home alone, remember?
Wait. How long have you been doing this again?
“Oh, fuck yeah.” You hear from behind you, startling you into a defensive position of curling around the pillow. “Bumping it real good, weren’t you? Right up on my pillow?” Heeseung laughs, standing just inside of the room with a step much quieter than he’d normally have when he’s walking around.
“Fuck, that’s so gross.” He snickers with hooded eyes and a triumphant smirk as he crosses his arms.
“You really thought I wouldn’t find out? Like I wouldn’t be able to smell it? I smelled you when I walked in.”
God, the fucking horror that replaces the arousal hits you harder than you ever knew it could as you jump to your feet on buckled knees and try to mutter out an apology.
“I’m sorry.”
He just said you were gross. He said he could smell you while scrunching his nose.
“I’m sorry, Heeseung, I’m sorry.” You continue, trying to make your way past him ultimately so you can lock yourself in your bedroom to never come out.
“Hmm, what makes you think you could just come in here and fuck my things?” He isn’t going to let you go that easy, of course he isn’t.
The thing about him is, he knows he’s got you now. That little sex bet going with his friends? They’re done for.
Full control of the whole situation is right here in the palm of his hand, and the proof is that embarrassing wet spot you left on his pillow. This was all he needed. You made him chase, and he’ll be damned if he gives you what you want now so easily.
It’s your turn to ache with the same feeling between your legs. You’re going to be fucking gone by the time he finally gives it to you.
“I thought y–” You try to explain, not looking him in the eye when he holds you in place by the arm from leaving.
“Thought I wanted you over her?” He mutters to you in a hot whisper, pulling you back and against him, dipping his head and chasing your line of sight to force you to look at him. “Oh my god, how sad.”
You try look away, entirely confused, embarrassed, fucking ashamed.
Never have you let guilt take you over like this because you’ve never allowed yourself to be in a position to feel so goddamn stupid.
He’s going to tell her what you did. You might as well go pack your shit now and get ready to go back home because this was not okay.
“I’m sorry. I misread…” You’re being forced to look at him, but you still keep your eyes on the bottom of his chin rather than his eyes, feeling his hands squeeze you, not at all noticing how rock fucking hard he is due to the sheer terror you feel at this moment.
“Mm, no you didn’t.” He explains, eyes scanning over your flushed face, tears prickling in your eyes.
And once again, fucking confusion. The weight of guilt lifts off of you at his words, allowing you to look him straight in the eyes this time. Urging him to tell you that he does want you. That everything you thought previously was true.
That he was trying to come onto you.
“You were throwing your legs open for just anyone.” He lands the blow harshly, with his breath hitting you square in the forehead. “I just wanted to see if you were really as slutty as Jay said you were.”
A direct blow to any confidence you ever could have had walking around this house.
You fell for it. Your sister is dating a piece of shit, and somehow you still find him so attractive. You still wish he was lying.
You still wish he liked you, or wanted you on some level.
“God, such a cry baby too.” He rolls his eyes now, breathing in deep before releasing his hold on you. “Go cry in your room, I’m sure you still have an orgasm to get, don’t you?”
You refuse the eye contact again as you try to walk away in a way that you wish could make you disappear. He’s making damn sure to shame you straight into the dirt, and it makes you feel so unclean.
“Don’t you?” He repeats with a louder voice as you walk away, stepping into your room, and closing the door behind you.
Yeah, you’re still probably going to get that orgasm. He knows it.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
Heeseung is a nightmare to be around. You’re annoyed that you didn’t notice it before and actually wanted to be around him before that mishap with his pillow.
You can’t read him.
When your sister is home, he ignores you for the most part. He spends his time on his PC yelling with friends, he scoffs at you, looks at you like you look and sound ridiculous any time you say something, yet, when he’s with your sister, he’s so, so, loving.
All over her, really. Hands on her waist, back, thighs, ass. He’s so sexual with her in front of you, to the point that you can’t make eye contact at all with either of them.
To the point that you miss it every time when he checks to see if you’re watching.
What’s worse about Heeseung is that you think now that he has no interest in you. Everything he did really was for an ego boost, or like some shitty game he was playing. It got to the point that, yeah, you’re sexting at least one of his friends as often as possible despite never giving them a reason to come over, and certainly not going to see them yourself.
It’s like a bandaid as you lay in your bed night after night listening to Heeseung on the other side of the wall draw you into a state of lust, pining, and absent passion. So vocal, when he’s fucking her. You always feel alone when he does it, with your fingers slamming away and offering pleasure that never gets you there. You always come up short, never being able to get off.
Even with all of that, he still flirts.
Which fucks you up even more. He’ll make you feel so awful about everything that’s happened, everything you actively say or do, and then turn around and smile at you when your sister is at work.
He’ll offer to make dinner for you. He’ll do your laundry and fold it, always mixing his clothes into the pile by accident. He’ll touch your waist. He’ll brush his hand past yours when he catches you in the hallway while walking by.
When you try to flirt back, or look at him for too long though? Hope in your eyes and weight lifting from your shoulders at his hidden actions? He shuts you down instantly.
Like this morning, when you left your room and went to the kitchen to make coffee, he was already there. He came up behind you real close, rubbing what you presume to be his soft dick against your ass as he lifted and grabbed the filters down for you.
And when you choked up and looked at him? He could see that little glint of hope in your eyes.
“I was just helping. Jesus christ, you’re more needy than your sister.”
Or that time yesterday, when you were lounging on the couch and he came out after a shower in those same fucking sweat pants, without a shirt again, and sat down next to you. Spreading his legs wide, smirking, and watching you try to avoid his eyes.
“Can’t even look at me without getting wet, huh?”
Safe to say, Heeseung is playing the game with his friends a little too hard. Knowing that at any point during the day if he wanted to push you to the floor and take you, he fucking could.
So that leaves you now, sitting here feeling about as crazy as you did the day you ran into his room and started fucking his pillow. Every day is felt with sexual frustration that you don’t know what to do with, even sexting his friends, even receiving their videos and hot words, even with their promises of multiple orgasms and hour long sessions of head, your frustration isn’t satiated.
You worry it never will be if Heeseung doesn’t move out, or like, fall out a window or something.
And as you leave your room to go back to the kitchen for a snack, of course you note the open door of the office that is far too silent compared to thirty minutes earlier.
Of course, Heeseung has trained you to be entirely too curious about what he’s doing at all times when the two of you are alone.
Of course, you don’t turn and walk away the moment you see his back turned, shoulder moving, and a brightly colored hentai flashing across his monitor.
In fact, you stand there solely because you can’t deny yourself of this.
“Was wondering if you’d come in here.” He mutters through a breath, turning his face for a moment before pumping his hand harder. “S’only fair that I let you watch too, right?”
He’s bringing up the pillow incident. Again. Like he hasn’t brought it up a million times since it happened as a form of shaming you. Telling you how it smelled, laughing and asking how many times you planned to do it behind his back.
You’re still frozen though, coming to terms with the fact that he could call you an ugly whore and you’d probably accept it at face value just to watch the very scene in front of you.
Are you selfish or are you just desperate?
Maybe a bit of both.
“Come over here.” He says to your silence, now swiveling his chair around and ignoring the animated fuck-fest on screen.
You take in an inhale, trying not to show it by looking away from him, but ultimately failing when your eyes fall straight to where his hand is in his pants. The tent created by the sheer size of him leaving far too much for you to think about.
Anyone in this situation would call him a loser. Jerking it to hentai? Looking the way he does? Being unemployed and doing this at like, eleven in the morning? You can tell he hasn’t slept too, and that’s entirely something a simp would do. Something a virgin would do.
But, you want him. You’ve never been so attracted to someone, actually. He sees you swallow at the image too, smirking and stilling his hand.
“Shit, you’re really just going to watch me?”
Yeah. You figured that was obvious to him, considering he already thinks you’re gross, embarrassing, and shameless. It’s not like you not watching at this point would change his mind about you.
So, you just stand there, watching, waiting.
Until he gives you a breathless chuckle and a shake of his head.
“Come on, get a better look then.” He encourages you through a soft moan, sliding his fingers on the underside of his length, feeling the pre-cum drip out.
There it is again. Him acting interested.
It’s really the worst because you give in every single time, clinging to the hope that maybe he really is interested this time, only to be shot down time and time again.
Right now is no different from the countless other times he’s flirted just to laugh at you trying to flirt back. Even as you walk towards him with shaking hands gripping the bottom of your own shirt for comfort, you know he’s probably just going to pull his hand out of his pants and probably present a very large cucumber or something before laughing at the fact that you really thought.
Except, he doesn’t do that.
You can see the wet spot at the top of the tent his cock creates, right where the head rubs up against the fabric and it proves that he’s really touching himself right now.
“Lower.” He instructs under hooded eyes, head leaned back against his chair, body slouched and relaxed. “On the floor.”
Ah, the fucking power he has is electrifying. You really just do everything he says in the hopes that someday, he’ll put it in you. In the hopes that someday, he will show you what it is that your sister loves so much about him.
The way you do lower yourself to your knees on his floor, sitting right there in front of him with your eyes glued to the hidden act of what he’s doing to himself? God, you’re dirty.
He chews on his lower lip as he works himself up to the image of you simply on your knees, gripping your shirt like it’s the only thing holding you from falling off of the earth. So pretty, so complacent, so willing.
Fuck, he knows his friends want you and he can imagine that they must furiously get off to this very image themselves, thought up all by themselves. Except they’ve actually seen your body, Heeseung hasn’t seen shit.
“Take it off.” He says through a breath, the words shaking with each pump of his fist as he tries to stimulate the whole length of his cock without pulling it out.
It’s a tight fit in his pants right now, but he isn’t going to show you a damn thing.
You blink up at him, your eyes shining and bright at the fact that you’re fine not seeing it. You seem totally satisfied just watching him pleasure himself.
Oh god, you’re fucking perfect.
Even more perfect when you do remove your shirt, tits sitting nice and naked for him to stare at harder. Big. Plush. Prettier than the ones that are drawn to perfection by horny men on his screen just to the side of him. Prettier than your sister’s, even.
“Ah, yeah.” He comments, hand pumping faster, cock leaking more. “Just sit right there and look pretty for me.”
And, you do. Hands now pressed into the carpet beneath you, gripping the texture much like you did your shirt just to press your tits together for him. Just so he wants you right now, even if he won’t ten minutes from now.
He really does just watch you too. The image of you alone like this seemingly just enough to get him there when you notice his head slam back against the headrest of his chair again.
Bottom lip bitten, eyebrows raised, a held breath, and then he’s releasing that same breath along with his cum. All into his hand and against his pants as he pumps harder through the sensitivity of his orgasm.
Eyes falling back to you, darker this time, he smirks as he slides his hand from his pants, careful not to lose any of that thick, milky, cum, and tipping his fingers at you.
“Ahh-” He opens his mouth, speaking to you as if he’s feeding you a snack, and for some reason, you mimic it.
Your mouth opens as you lean forward and he slips his fingers in, relishing in the feeling of your frantic tongue licking up the taste of him.
So desperate, god, you want it so bad and he can see it.
He can feel it.
And by the time you’ve licked his fingers clean, eyes tearing up because you know he’s about to mock you for how much you loved the taste of it, he pulls his hand back and says nothing.
He doesn’t even smile at you when he stands up, staring down at you like he owns you.
You’re just sitting on the floor shirtless, avoiding his eye contact and preparing for whatever fucked up thing he wants to say about it, salty sweet remnants of his flavor in your mouth, and near tears in your eyes.
“You really did that.” He says before stepping to the side of you and heading for the door. “Swallowed all of it too.”
You did, and of course you’re ashamed despite sitting here wet and aching. You nod as you stare at the floor in shame, hands clasped in your lap.
“Good girl.” He breathes out to you before leaving for the bathroom, not another word muttered to you.
And as Heeseung stands looking at himself in the mirror, chest heaving as he reels from what just took place, he smiles. God, the horror you must feel right now. If you knew how much he liked this and how willing you were to take what you can get, you’d probably be the happiest girl alive.
You’re so willing to feel ashamed, so willing to be shamed, just to look at him? Just to see him do this? Just to suck all of his cum off of his fingers?
You’re fucking crazy.
If you knew how he silently jerked off, breathing in that pillow you had against your pussy, you’d probably orgasm on the spot. If you fucking knew how he stole your panties the very day you moved in, you’d probably give him the ones you’re wearing now just to please him.
Ah, so perfect. It’s only a matter of time now.
Only a matter of time before he wins and shuts his friends up for fucking good, because honestly, it’s getting old now to hear his friends pretend they have a shot at this with you.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
Living with your sister became something you never meant for it to be. You’re not living with her, you’re living with fucking guilt, and confusion, and insatiable lust for the man she’s supposed to be pleasing every night.
In fact, the amount you see her is far less than you originally thought. She works so much, and when she’s not working overtime just to come home and love on her asshole of a boyfriend, and tell you sweet goodnights like you didn’t eat his cum off his fingers, she’s sleeping away the exhaustion of being the only good person in this house.
Unfortunately for her though, you don’t care.
You appreciate the freedom she’s given to you on a silver platter, with a nice new bedroom suite and good food in the fridge, but you know she didn’t bring you here with the intention of giving you this much freedom.
She gave you the ability to fuck and be fucked whenever and where ever you want, but the choice wasn’t meant to be Heeseung. With his ever changing moods, annoying gamer rage, and disconcerting need to flirt and shame you.
You can’t believe you’re sitting here across from her before yet another one of her shifts, drinking the same juice, eating the same breakfast, pretending like you haven’t tasted the same cum she has.
You can’t believe that while growing up, you always shared her stuff against her will. She hated finding you wearing one of her favorite tops, or her new pairs of shoes. She would get so mad and all you can think now is that, surely she would kill you if she found out what else you’ve used behind her back.
And when you watch Heeseung kiss her goodbye, he seems all too entertained with the situation. Watching you pretend like you don’t want him, watching your sister be blissfully unaware of who his dick twitches for.
Watching, watching, watching.
Staring, really, at you through the kiss. Up until she leaves for the day and you’re left staring back at him. Heeseung lends you a small wave with an uncaring face, wiggling the same fingers he fucked your mouth with in your face, almost seeming like he’s attempting to lure you to open those same lips again for him.
Almost as if to remind you that you’re pathetic.
And goddammit. You fucking are.
That’s why, of course, you’ve found yourself time and time again in these same text messages. Fully guilty of leading these guys on but not nearly as guilty as you feel each time you show how bad you need it to the one man who doesn’t deserve it.
Jay, if he could, would probably fuck you right on the doorstep by this point with the amount of nudes, phone calls, and blatant shows of sexual interest. You can sense how annoyed he is with cumming all by himself using your photos, but like, that’s very attractive of him to wait.
Sunghoon? So frustrated with you for never following up with him, but entirely willing to fuck you with his dirty words and images of what he’d love to do if you’d just get the fuck out of the house for a day.
And Jake, ah, Jake. The cutest. One you’d take all of this frustration out on, the one who would probably apologize to you for everything bad that’s ever happened to you mid-orgasm solely because he wouldn’t know what else to say or do when he’s feeling so good.
Sexting any of them, or all of them, is really your only relief from the man who looms around this house. But at this point, even that is doing nothing for you.
Even as you read Jay’s texts, knowing he’s actively playing video games at the same time and not jerking off like he claims.
Jay: take a new one, i want more material
You: you’re not even touching yourself, you know I can hear heeseung yell at you right?
Jay: what? you think I can’t multitask?
You: is that why he’s yelling then?
Jay: one handing it and still got more kills than him, yea
God, he’s too confident while being such a fucking loser, but yeah, you’ll send him a new picture. You’ll go ahead and send it to Jake too. And Sunghoon, of course.
Then you pause with your fingers on the screen, zooming in on your body and checking it. Only half wondering what would happen if you took a pussy picture. Only half thinking of sending it to Heeseung. Not the other three, just him.
Half wondering turns to full wondering, as you listen to him yell something about Jay going down again mid match, proving that he probably was, in fact, fucking his fist mid-game and absolutely not getting more kills.
Heeseung’s voice sounds so full of anger. So loud, cracking in pitch even. It’s hard to imagine someone sounding so stupid being able to act in a way that’s made you feel so lost and ashamed of wanting him.
Yet, he did. And that’s why you decide right at this moment, you’ll always give in to his flirting even while knowing he’ll mock you and make fun of you for it. You’ve already dealt with it to the point that you’re used to it. At least you still get something out of it, right?
At least, maybe, he’ll give you something else to feel ashamed of today, right?
And as you take that photo, lying back on your bed, shifting your panties to the side and spreading your lips open for the camera, you snap a photo of your hole for him. Right there, already wet just imagining him thinking you’re pathetic for doing this.
At this point, you’re not feeling too ashamed of it right now. After all, he jerked off looking at you like there wasn’t at least three holes being fucked and filled on the screen behind him before. So…
You send the photo to him, ignoring the displayed message from Jay stating, “you only sent this one to me, right?”
And then you wait.
And you wait.
And wait.
You can still hear Heeseung yelling his gaming talk, but you watch his text messages like a hawk. Feeling nervous, terrified, embarrassed, shamed, turned on, curious, wet.
Each time he’s silent, you stare at the messages, up until you notice that he’s opened it.
He saw it.
You wait for footsteps, you wait to hear him tell his friends that he’ll be back. You wait for him to stomp in here and call you gross.
And you wait more.
And more.
Up until you can’t wait any longer and you find yourself shifting up and off of your bed, leaving your phone behind as you make your way to the office. He’s facing away from you as usual, the character on screen on a swivel as the scope of the gun searches for a head to shoot, and then– his phone.
Right there beside him, open, the image pulled up.
“What are you trying to do?” He says, but you can’t tell if it’s for you or his friends.
You stand there, pussy looking much the same as it was in that photo, except now with your shorts back on you, and panties back in place.
“Trying to fuck me over right now?” He continues when a kill screen shows up and he’s got a few seconds to lift his hand from the mouse. Not even looking at you, he beckons you with two fingers and pushes his chair back just slightly.
By the time you get up beside him, he puts his fingers over his mouth, glancing up at you, then down at his phone and tapping it. Immediately after tapping, he points to the floor in front of him, scooting back more to make room for you.
The silent conversation is loud as he narrows his eyes at you when you sink to your knees on the floor in front of him. You crawl under the desk, legs quivering at the idea that he’s absolutely ignoring you, but also inviting you.
As if he’s feeding you what you want. As if he doesn’t need this too.
And maybe he doesn’t, you think, as you carefully reach forward to his knees, feeling him push his chair in and trap you under the desk. He doesn’t look hard, proving that he’s simply allowing you to quench your thirst for his cum, surely.
Allowing you to be pathetic.
Allowing you to see it.
And finally, you do. He’s even polite enough to lift his ass up a bit just to let you pull his sweats down to get it out. Slowly growing at the feeling of your breath against it.
You breathe deeply before you press your lips against it instantly, darting your tongue out curiously and closing your eyes to relish in the first taste of his skin. It’s a clean taste, and despite him not being fully hard for this just yet, it only drives you to do better, to do more, until he actually wants you to do this for him, not just for you.
You could argue that it seemed much bigger when he was jerking it off in front of you, then again, he’s still not fully hard yet.
It actually hurts your feelings that you’re the one needing to get him horny right now. After all, you are clearly hungry for it, not him.
And you take him into your mouth again, and again, feeling him stiffen by the second. Still, his focus isn’t on you or what you’re doing down here.
Until it is, anyway.
By this point, you’re actually struggling to take him into your mouth, and you can argue he’s only at half-girth as you try. The top of your head bumps his desk every few seconds, which forces you to keep him in your mouth.
Kind of terrifying actually, to have put something in your mouth so readily only to regret the fact that his cock is essentially locked in by the small pace you’re trapped in, and it’s only swelling up more and more by the second.
Hardening until your throat is constricting around it, forcing you to gag and search for breath.
It’s hard to breathe as you cough and drool around him, frantically trying to pull off of him and hitting your head hard against the desk when you do.
He fucking chuckles at it before you feel his hand slip under the desk with you and grab his now fully hard cock. What does he do with it? He fucking slaps it straight across your face before forcing it right back between your lips.
You hate to say how wet that made you, and you hate even more to say that you kind of like the feeling of your throat getting bruised. Willing yourself to gag around him again, trying to twitch your tongue against the weight of his far too big length in your mouth.
You don’t want him to laugh though, you want him to fucking moan. All for his friends to hear. After all, it’s the first time you’re going down on him and it’ll probably be the last time too, right?
Not to mention, you’ve barely had experiencing sucking dick as it is, he should he fucking helping you get through this.
But he’s not. He’s just…playing his fucking game. Hell, the twitches of his length against your gag reflex is probably more for the kill he gets rather than the way your dripping spit all over and down his balls.
This is embarrassing, and yet– you love it. You fucking adore it, with the way your clit aches just at the thought that he’s letting you put your mouth on him at all.
Maybe it really is for you, and not for him.
“Ah, fuck.” Heeseung groans, probably more to his game than to you.
His hand shoots under the table, right to the top of your head as his other balances himself on the seat of his chair. There, he holds your head down on him and angles his hips just slightly to fuck up. Gaging you repeatedly, holding back his own moans at the way you’re just going to let him use you like this.
And as quickly as it happened, that short grunt from him not going unnoticed, he’s drawing his hands back above his desk, relaxing his body, and giving back the control.
Already, you can hear his fingers against the keyboard again.
“Back in the game, Jay, to the right!” He shouts, showing you that he absolutely just fucked your face because he got fucking downed in the game.
And you continue, trying to give him that same feeling that he forced on you just now, and never quite getting the same force behind your lips or tongue for him. His cock is throbbing though, choking you with each dribble and spurt of precum, up until he’s pulling the same trick.
Fucking up, holding your throat down on him, for just a bit until he’s back in the game and playing.
This happens for what feels like forever. To the point that surely, you’re drenching the carpet under you, and you’re starting to feel insecure in the fact that he hasn’t cum yet. Are you really just…bad at giving head?
Heeseung’s legs shift as you continue, slowing your pace and trying to rub your jaw through it with your free hand that’s not gripping the fabric of his lowered sweats. You do this up until his cock is suddenly sliding further and further out of your throat when he rolls his chair back.
Ah.
Oh.
Oh, my god. You think, getting the first glimpse of his face since you started. Blown out pupils staring down under his desk, hair a mess, mic right up against his smirking lips.
He looks…like he enjoyed it? Maybe? Are you getting ahead of yourself?
“You want more?” He asks, straight into the mic and confusing his friends. “I can see how much you want it, baby, come on. I’ll give it to you.”
You stare up at him, pretending that when you crawl out from under the desk and try to stand, you can’t hear the way he turns up the volume of his friends responding in confusion.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” You hear the familiar voice of Sunghoon. “If you’re gonna fuck your girlfriend, at least mute yourself, dick.”
You nervously glance to his game that’s still full screened. You knew he was gaming with his friends since this morning, but for him to talk to you like this as if they can’t hear him?
“They’ll want to hear you.” He comments now, alerting his friends that he’s obviously not talking to them. “Trust me, they don’t fucking shut up about you.”
That’s when they realize.
“No fucking way.” Jake blurts. “There’s no way.”
Jay remains silent, staring at his unanswered text message before minimizing his game and dropping his mouth in surprise.
“Come on then, you already let me fuck that pretty mouth, might as well, right?” He says to you again, this time lifting his hips and tapping his desk. “Bend over for me.”
What you think is just an unmuted mic, unfortunately, is much, much more than that. You see, Heeseung likes to stream to his friends, back and behind his full screened game was the image of him suffering through your need to deep throat him half to death.
He remained calm, at first not exactly wanting his friends to know. Not wanting them to see you like this, and most certainly not wanting them to have any images of you to get off to. But now? Oh, to win their own game in front of them?
‘Fuck, look at that.” He says, watching you take the spot in front of him and bend over his desk, keyboard buttons pressing in and glitching the screen out momentarily due to your tits lying against it. “Now look up.” He instructs.
“No. Fucking. Way.” Jake blurts again once he minimized his game and instantly saw you on the camera, looking so out of it, so unaware. “Sunghoon, are you seeing this?”
Jay was still watching with his mouth agape, cock leaking as it always does for you except now? It’s the fact that Heeseung is really just gonna do something so awful to your sister? He’s really going to fuck you right here, right now? With proof?!
“Heeseung, don’t.” Sunghoon warns, unable to tear his eyes away from the screen in front of him.
“Don’t what? Sunghoon?” Heeseung smiles as he reaches his hands around the front of you, pulling you back by groping both of your tits. “Fuck your girl in front of you?”
You just listen, shocked that Sunghoon is actually asking Heeseung to stop. Shocked that they apparently have beef or something, over you? Surely not.
“No–” Sunghoon chokes back. “Don’t turn off the camera.”
“Camera?!” You panic, trying to break free of his grip on your chest, but he holds you there, pressing you closer with your back to his chest, his cock throbbing under your thigh.
“What? Now you have an issue with cameras?” Heeseung seethes sarcastic words into your hair, squeezing your tits harder now. “Relax, baby, I know they’ve already seen you like this.”
“Right?” Heeseung now directs his attention to the screen, lunging forward to quickly minimize the full-screened game, getting a good look at his friends and you in the camera against him.
The image is wildly attractive to him for many reasons. For one, he can see himself on the screen with his point of desire sitting right here on his lap. Secondly, his friends are awestruck by what he gets to have right now. Shamelessly watching, biting their words back, taking in deep breaths. And lastly, he can tell that everyone on camera right now either wants to be him or be fucked by him.
What’s not to love about this?
And Heeseung is quick when he flashes his eyes away from each of his friends, straight to you in the camera, watching you avoid looking at the screen. He moves one hand from your chest, pushes his chair back, and immediately cups between your legs.
“You show them this too, or was that just for me?”
You shake your head at Heeseung, reeling with embarrassment and arousal as you try to squeeze your legs closed around his hand. You feel choked up, throat sore, legs buckled, clit throbbing for him to dig his palm against it.
“Mm, you see that Jay?” Heeseung moves his eyes to his friend on screen. “Couldn’t even get her to show her pussy for you?”
Jay appears entirely tuned into the situation, eyebrows sitting furrowed and focused on you. God, if only he focused that much in game, Heeseung thinks he could probably out rank him if he wanted to.
“Jake?” Heeseung trails to his other friend, making sure each and every one of them hears and sees exactly what he’s doing.
Your eyes follow the names Heeseung calls out. Shyly, somewhat dazed. Tearing your eyes from Jay was already hard enough as is. After all, seeing his blatant attraction to you right there, in front of everyone? Maybe you should have let him hit, even just once because damn. It’s almost pitiful, that look in his eye as he watches you.
Jake on the other hand? You can tell he lets his hair fall partly in front of his eyes but he smiles to himself while watching. Something about seeing him like this makes you feel like you’ve just experienced extreme whiplash. It embarrasses you more knowing that you figured Jake was too inexperienced to know how to fuck a girl. He was too sweet.
Too soft.
Too different from his friends.
As you look at him now though, you realize he isn’t different at all. In fact, he might have been more full of shit than any of the others as you stare at his wicked eyes and nod of approval at Heeseung.
Hell, he’s even the one who mutters out a small, “Show us her tits.”
The only reason Heeseung does as Jake asked is because he can’t help but relish in the look on their faces of seeing what they could have had, but now never will. To see them lose. To witness him win.
They’re pathetic. Truly, when he drags your shirt up your belly and over your chest. Already braless, of course. And honestly, you’re shocked that they all react this way like you didn’t just send them tit pics but–
This is more embarrassing somehow. Four pairs of eyes are on you and only one pair of hands. You want all of their hands.
“I fucking knew you’d let me do this.” Heeseung chuckles against your ear, cupping his hands under your tits and presenting them to his friends. Bouncing them, rubbing them, pulling on both nipples before releasing them and letting your tits fall into their natural position. “Knew you were a slut the moment I saw the kind of panties you had hidden in that suitcase of yours.”
You glance away from the camera now, knowing Heeseung is right with his words.
“You should be fighting me, not dripping that pretty pussy all over me. Am I wrong?”
You should be fighting. You shouldn’t be okay with this moment being broadcasted to three different people that you’ve been leading on. And yeah, you should hate him for all of the confusion and mental anguish he put you through.
Yet, the arousal you have for him outweighs all of it. The arousal you have for this situation in general outweighs any shame you could feel, or the shame that comes after it.
Being wanted like this by four men who you find incredibly attractive?
“What more could a girl want?” You murmur in a hushed tone, rolling your hips just slightly on his lap, letting him feel the warmth of you seep into his sweatpants. His cock still hard and raging from your previous actions of choking on him.
Those words shock him as his eyes glance to the screen, noting how you’re writhing your body on him, totally shameless, totally fucking perfect with your tits out and on display, only pushing for more. It’s the fact that he fucking forgot he had his head set on for a moment and didn’t even catch that you whispered that shit straight into his mic.
He only realized it when he saw three faces on screen drop to a slack jawed expression and Sunghoon immediately leaned forward with a groan of “spread her legs.”
On any other day, for Heeseung, Jake, or Jay, seeing Sunghoon clearly push his pants down his thighs off camera would make them recoil and make fun of him. But they’re not right now, because the focus isn’t on any of the cocks being openly hard in this shared online space.
The focus is on you, and the way Heeseung absolutely spreads your legs and pushes your knees up by the thighs so that the flat of your feet are resting on his knees. There, he drops his hands from your tits and reaches around you, rubbing the line of your shorts on the insides of your thighs just enough that glimpses of your panties flash every few seconds.
From back here, the camera offers Heeseung the same view but it hits him differently because he’s the one doing it. He’s got his head resting on your shoulder as he watches, noting how you lean your head back against his own shoulder and breathe through his guided touches.
“Look at yourself.” He turns his head to whisper right against your cheek. “You’d let us all take a turn, hm? Wouldn’t even know which dick is in you.”
Your eyes open in a roll, landing your gaze on the screen and feeling flushed at the image. You don’t care how embarrassing or pathetic you are for this. No, because, look at them. Everyone wants you to act like this.
“Probably wouldn’t even care either, as long as you’re being fucked. Yeah, that’s right.”
Nodding in a daze against him, you roll your hips harder, trying to bump his hand against your pussy, trying to prove to everyone that you have three holes and two hands for a reason.
You don’t flinch when he slides his hands up the leg of your shorts either, pulling them to the side to reveal how wet you are to everyone. Listening to your body and the way it sings to him, brushing his knuckles against the swell of your clit, tapping the space where your hole sits and clenches to be seen.
“Ah, fuck.” Jay finally lets out in a shaky breath, hand clearly still working himself because, well, he was half hard before you made an even appearance on camera. “It looks like she pissed herself–”
Heeseung laughs as he drags his eyes to the image between your legs, so wet, entirely drenched through your nearly see-through panties at this point. Jay is right, it does look like you’ve pissed yourself, which only makes his cock throb more. That you’re so wet for him? So fucking drenched? God, he doesn’t even need lube with you.
You slick up so nice for him, it’s actually becoming painful not to test the stickiness, the slide it offers, the warmth. With this much pouring out of you, like you’ve already squirted, surely you could take all of him.
In an instant he pushes you from his lap, making you feel dizzy and light headed because suddenly you’re on your feet in front of him again. He gives you no time to balance yourself when he’s pulling your shirt up and off of you in a huffed out sigh, holding you in place by your tits to keep you from toppling over and breaking his monitor.
And when you steady out, his hands run straight down, shoving your shorts and panties down in one go before immediately pulling you back to his lap, holding your arms behind you, and spreading his own legs to force yours open for his friends.
“Take a good, long, look.” Heeseung directs towards his friends, sliding his hand in front of you and using two fingers to present your hole to them. “If you think she’s pretty, let her know now.”
It’s the way Heeseung moves his hand from behind you just to set his headset on your head now, quickly pinning your arms in place again and allowing you to listen to his friends do just that.
Immediately, pussy spread and unintentionally clenching in the camera, one of your senses is enveloped with the sound of Jay’s palm shamelessly dragging up and down his hidden cock. Then, the sound of Jake and his deep inhales paired with slight cracked whines, just as shameless, doing much the same.
Then, Sunghoon.
Fucking Sunghoon. Barely moving, but more willing to talk to you with that headset on your head.
“This why you didn’t come over?” He asks you blatantly in a breathy voice, glaring at the fingers of Heeseung holding your cunt open for him. “That could be me right now, but you’re really just going to fuck him? Of all people?”
You groan, lifting your head to give a proud nod and accidentally bumping Heeseung in the chin with the action.
The bump forces him to bite his tongue, a metallic taste of the small amount of blood flooding his mouth mixed with saliva when he dips his head, grabbing you by the hair and forcing your mouth to his.
You can taste the blood too, when he presses his wet tongue past your lips without so much as swallowing the mixture first. Practically drooling and spitting into your mouth through the rough kiss. It feels like your drowning, kissing him back like you’ve always wanted to, tasting him in a new way now and moaning into it.
Like a slut, really. Just fucking moaning. And he only forces more out of you too, as you feel him adjust his hands, holding you here on his lap, rough tongue bleeding against yours, sliding two fingers into you with one push.
God, finally. Fucking, finally.
Your mouth falls open in a sharp inhale of feeling his fingers, his lips turning to a smirk at hearing one of his friends audibly moan at the image on screen for them. You just showed how much of his saliva you were savoring, diluted red in the drool dripping down your chin through your moan.
You’re dirty, all four of them can see that much. But only Heeseung gets to feel it.
His cock throbs at the image when he strains his eyes to the screen, plunging his fingers in, out, in, out, until he pulls them from you entirely, thrusting them into your open mouth instead.
You squeal at the intrusion of his sudden fingers against your tongue, offering a third taste in your mouth. Yourself.
“Mhm,” Heeseung encourages you. “Suck it up like you did for me the other day.”
You hear Jake gasp at the idea that you’ve already done this for Heeseung before, probably leading him to believe that Heeseung has also probably already fucked you.
And hell, with how it’s looking, none of them would be shocked if that were the case.
“You’ve been doing this while talking to us?” Jake tries to confirm with you through a breathed sigh, groaning and unintentionally showing that he…wouldn’t mind.
“God, I don’t even want to fuck you now.” Sunghoon on the other hand, isn’t so willing and lies, absolutely wanting to be the person fucking your lips with his fingers. “After Heeseung? Disgusting.”
Oh, they think he’s fucked you already?
You shoot your eyes open, trying to shake your head in a “no” at them but still suckling around his fingers.
“Goddamn,” Heeseung grunts, rutting up against your back, letting his cock leave leaking little spots of his precum against your lower back. “Your sister would never act like this.”
“You should be ashamed, but you love it.” He continues, talking, talking, talking. Shoving his fingers deeper, deeper, deeper. “Work that tongue like a good girl.” He continues to whisper from behind you before–
You’re gagging. Feeling his fingers reach deep into your throat and press your tongue down to the point you’re forced to open your mouth wide. Exposing not only your finger-fucked pussy to his friends, but now your open and constricting throat.
Sunghoon immediately regrets his insult at you, seeing how wide and open your throat can be. Gagging openly with very little sound as Heeseung compresses your tongue through it.
You’re drooling again, eyes blinking up at the ceiling as if you could possibly find a way to drink away your tears.
That’s about as much as Jay can take, gripping the base of his weeping length, willing it to stop threatening him with an orgasm before Heeseung really gets you looking pretty. He chokes up through the mic, and the sound runs straight through your body.
There, he watches you moan through an open and dry mouth, throat muscles tensing just to get the sound out. He grips harder, needing to pull his eyes away but struggling so hard to fucking do.
“Shit, baby. Stop.” Jay calls through the microphone, forcing his friends eyes on him, yours included, as all of you watch him vibrate in his seat in an attempt not to cum. “Stop moaning.”
Heeseung hears him say it, and intentionally gags you again instead. Bumping his fingers at the back of your throat with a smile on his face. Glancing between all of his friends, seeing how pathetic they are for what he does to you.
The fact that they’re sticking around at all? Both great and fucking embarrassing. Even more embarrassing than you.
Then Heeseung focuses back on you, tears running down your pretty cheeks, mouth agape, throat struggling to adjust still to his fingers despite taking his cock like that’s the only shape or size it wanted.
Ah, your body is so pathetically telling, and he grants you the release of another gag by sliding his fingers out of your mouth and straight back to your warm, pulsing, hole.
Right back in, one hole filled at all times it seems, as he feeds into the whiplash he’s able to give you. You didn’t even notice how he shoves you off of his lap until you can no longer see the screen in front of you and are face to face with his keyboard. No frustrated face of Jay, no forced calm and collected expression from Sunghoon, no blatantly bitten lips of Jake.
No, only the feeling of Heeseung chasing your hole with his fingers, your hips running from the touch due to sensitivity and buckled knees. He holds you there against his desk, standing behind you and pressing his cock between your ass cheeks. Fingers roughly rubbing your clit, sliding down to fuck into you, then out again to rub you harder.
His friends watch you try to run your lower half away from him, but his eyes stay glued to the camera, as if he’s staring into the soul of his friends.
“You guys wanna see me fuck her?” He comments in a sly tone, cock grinding against you. “I can fuck her.”
“Ah, Hee–” You groan as a response, listening to the slapping of palms against cocks only grow more furious and finally relaxing your body to now search for his fingers, just to push yourself back on them. “Please.”
He snickers from behind you, grabbing a hand full of hair at the back of your head as he rips his fingers from your needy hole, wiping them along your cheek as he forces you to look at him.
“Again.” He demands, now pinching your cheeks with one hand, arching your back more by the pull of your hair. “Say, “Please, Seungie, fuck me.” He whispers into your mouth, loud enough for the mic to pick up the way you swallow around his words.
“Say, “Please, Hee, give it to me.” He continues, making his voice higher pitched as if to mock your moans.
Sunghoon watches and listens in shock, never once wanting to know that this is how his own friend fucks someone, but goddamn. It’s like he’s just found the video on page 86 of pornhub that hit just right as he watches. Fucking up and into his fist like his life depends on it, waiting, waiting, waiting, for you to moan out just like Heeseung is telling you to.
And it’s the fact that you fucking do, Heeseung watching the way Jake presses his entire body into his chair, staring down at himself with a fast moving palm, so fast that he can see his friend lose himself to the pleasure.
Jay, near tears in his eyes as he watches, probably moaning in your ear like a mad man right now.
You fucking say it.
You say both, moaning in a choked gasp when you feel him stick his tip in you at it.
“Please–” You hiccup as you try to repeat the words again and again for him. “God, yes.” You rasp out in a deeper tone at the feeling of him slide in.
And he keeps sliding in, trying to keep himself from rolling his eyes back when he bottoms out and feels your cunt clench him as if you’ll never let it go.
And then, one quick thrust, holding your hair in his hands, arching you harder, his other hand reaching for yours and holding them behind your back, he fucks forward.
Your tits bounce with the movement, neck strained to keep your eye on his face as you try to adjust to the full size of him entering you.
“She just takes it.” Heeseung grunts with a choked breath. “Shit, so goddamn tight.” He murmers again, nearly unable to stand on his own two feet how tight you are.
He forces you to look at him through it, squeezing your hands together so tightly through it that you can barely focus on the pain of your positioned body against the feeling of his cock splitting you open with each hard thrust.
And then, you let out the most filthy, wet, pornographic cry.
Heeseung then brings his attention to his monitor one last time, watching the pathetic mess of people in front of him getting off entirely on his cock driving into you.
“I win.” He says with one pointed thrust, keeping his hips pressed against your ass and only pressing in harder, trying to reach another inch in, trying to break past whatever wall inside of you keeps him from impaling you entirely on him.
All three friends burst into a feeling of realization, Jake already mid orgasm at the sound of that moan you just cried out–
Then theres….nothin but the feeling of Heeseung releasing your hands and allowing you to grip his desk through this deep hold of his length inside of you.
Suddenly, no sound through the headset, the light of the monitor in your peripheral vision goes off, and Heeseung is breaking his demeanor just to moan out in full again.
“Drove them crazy,” He chuckles through a wet groan, now snapping his hips back and leaning forward just to push back into you, deeper, deeper, until his desk ruts against the wall with the tight hold on you. “Driving me fucking crazy.” He whispers, holding his open lips right against your neck when he hunches over in this paused thrust.
“You looked so good.” He says again, suddenly praising you, suddenly able to relish in the pleasure he’s giving you rather than pretending it does nothing for him.
You blink away tears, feeling your twisted and turned body, still trying to look at him through this even if he’s released your hands.
He can see that look of realization on your face and smiles at that too before shooting his hands to your middle and forcing you back and against him.
He keeps his dick in you, too obsessed with the drag your walls offer to him, and holds you against him just to shift to the side and press you back on the misplaced couch in the room. Man cave stuff, and alla that.
You watch him guide you face first into the cushions before he is grabbing your hands again, holding them right back in pace behind your back with one hand, and the other pushing your face even further into the pillows.
“You have no fucking idea, do you?” He grunts, slamming into you again, eyes glued to the way your body strains to accommodate the position he wants you in. “How much better you are?”
Oh. Really now?
You smile through suffocated breaths, the fabric of the couch invading the taste of your own breath and forcing you to love it just as much. You bite down, listening to his spilling words.
“Begging me like that for my friends to hear, like you didn’t know I wanted to do this?” He continues, burying himself deep again and holding it there again. “Fucking my pillow instead of me.”
He seems a little more angry now.
“Turning my friends on when you wanted me,” He grabs your hair again, pulling you back into that same painful arch and forcing you to stare up at the wall. “All you had to do was ask, sweetheart, I would’ve given it to you every time.”
The reality that this is not your boyfriend is so far from you right now. The fact that your sister is working away right now to pay the light bill, gonna come home later and share a bed with this man? You’re not even jealous.
In fact? You’re on top of the world listening to him want you more.
And at this point, Heeseung can tell you’re smiling, looking blankly at the wall and totally lost from this world. This is exactly what he wanted.
Such a pretty little sister, winning him over the bitch that won’t even choke on his cock? It could have been so much easier for you. But this was fun for him, watching you want him and know you couldn’t have him.
Despite him proving that you could have had him any day of the week.
“All you had to do was ask.” He repeats into your ear, now slowing his pace until he pulls out.
He takes a step back, gazing at the way your open pussy still clenches for him, the way your ass shakes slightly with your legs.
“Aww,” He coos, blinking at you from behind and reaching forward to flip you over. “You wanted it so bad too, can’t believe you waited.”
You see him now, fully in person rather than through the image on his monitor. His skin looks so much more full of life, cheeks tinted and hair more fucked up than you’ve ever seen it. Cock huge, weighed against his leg.
You’re shocked you took all of it like that previously, unable to relish in the pain of it because your senses were overloaded with moans and his own boasting.
“Your sister doesn’t have to know.” He says now, eyes trailing your body.
“Ah–” You wince when he licks his fingers and lowers his hand to your clit, one hand spreading your legs out now that he’s got you on your back. “I really didn’t know.”
Heeseung chuckles, finding you entirely too cute and endearing as you look up at him with those fucked out lips trying not to quiver at your sensitivity.
“You were too dumb to take a hint.” He leans forward, now, using his hand to lift your leg up to your chest, rubbing his cock right against your hole as he pulls his other hand up now, propping up your other leg. “Too stubborn to realize.”
You nod in a slightly broken way, unsure of if you were the one putting yourself through torture, or if you really were too dumb to notice he was trying to get you to go insane for him.
He wanted you to jump on him. He wanted you to take it like this.
“And you won’t tell her?” You whisper now, losing the ability to think much more when he grinds himself down, keeping eye contact with you, that same smirk you both hated and loved.
He shakes his head at you, almost sweetly when he adjusts his cock to slide in again, knocking the breath out of you with a choked moan.
“She won’t find out if you can be quiet when she’s home.”
Oh fucking no. He wants to…continue this? This isn’t a one time thing? He’s going to try while she’s home? While she’s gone? Arguably, you’re fucking glad.
“When she’s–?” You try to question, stopping short when he bottoms out in a groan, breathing in through his nose before lending you a tight, short thrust.
“Mm, yeah, I’m gonna be in you every day.” He moans, thinking about the image alone of sneaking into your room while his girlfriend is fast asleep.
Fucking you in his bed. In your bed. On the shared couch. Everywhere. Everyday.
“God, she’d hate us both.” He chuckles through the same moans he can’t stop from spilling out of his throat. “Finding out I’m so deep, so raw like this.”
Fuck. Right.
“Wait–” You come to realization, clenching from panic at the fact that a condom didn’t even come to mind. “Fuck, Hee, wait!”
He only presses harder now, smiling at how you’ve finally managed to come to your senses. Fucking you faster when you try to wiggle your hips away. Fucking you harder, pressing his entire body weight against the back of your thighs just to force you to stay in one place. Pussy open and spread out, clenching his cock so nicely.
“Gonna fuck you full,” He kisses your forehead with the horrifying words. “You’ll do it for me right? She won’t let me.”
Those words ring in your head. If she won’t let him, you sure as fuck will. You can deal with the consequences later. You no longer fight to pretend he’s not ramming your g-spot, forcing your voice to shake through a cry of his name.
“I’m not–” You choke out through cries, feeling your body tense up. “I’m not on birth co-”
“Fuckkkk, yes.” He rolls his eyes back at your half spoken words, losing it at the thought of dripping his seed into you and knowing he’s sterile enough to scare you both for good. “Take it,” He thumps his cock as far into you as he can, willing you to nod your head, willing you to love this as much as he does.
It’s the fact that you’re not trying to wiggle away now, he can feel your hole pulse at hit words, the way you want to be better than your sister, the way you’d truly let him.
Even more the fact that you’re not the one he should be shooting his seed into. It should be your sister, the woman who wants to marry him, the woman who said she simply wasn’t ready to bear his child. Not that you want to either, but goddamn do you want to be fucked full of the possibly, you say it yourself in a harsh grip around his neck, tugging at the long strands of hair at the nape of his neck.
“Do it.” You whisper through hiccuped moans, his thrusts scooting you up and down on the couch at the sheer force of them.
“Yeah,” He nods his head, pressing harder against your legs as he chases the very high you’re asking him to give to you. “You want it?” He encourages you to keep telling him. He needs you to tell him.
You nod frantically, feeling your body tense up again, trying to reach your hands between your legs to rub your swollen clit. Shockingly, that simply touch of your fingers sends you straight over edge, cumming so hard around his deep thrusts that you can barely hear him praise you through it with drawn out groans of “Ah, you’re squeezing me–” and “Just like that, I’m–”
His voice is clear though, when his hips stutter in place and he’s holding himself still. You can feel the pulse of him releasing into you through the last moments of your orgasm.
“Take it.” He moans. “Take all of it.” He continues, pulling out half way so that his cum drenches every part of your hole.
There, he uses his hand to milk the rest of it out of him, eyes squeezed shut as he feels the sensation of your own orgasm only slick up the inside of you more than he is, and then– he rams back in. Pushing his cum deep. So deep that you moan at the feeling, knowing the mess is dripping down your ass, and being shoved so far against your cervix that– Well. You panic.
Arguably, Heeseung should panic too, but he doesn't as he heaves in a deep and relieved sigh, sliding out of you once and for all.
He just looks at you, a mess on the office couch, pussy pumped full of him, swollen, still pulsing.
“Can I be honest?” He breathes out after running his hands through his sweaty hair, dropping them down with a slap to your now relaxed legs.
At your silence, he continues anyway. “You’ve never looked prettier than right now.”
And, well. You realize that with those words alone, selfish and self absorbed as you relish in them, you decide you don’t care that he’s just fucked you raw without a care in the world that he just cheated on the supposed love of his life. You both have won in this situation, and pregnancy isn’t such a scare anyway when he walks away a mere minute later and comes back with a fucking Plan-B pill.
You’re confused by it at first, popping it into your mouth and looking at him with raised brows.
“Why do you just have these?” You ask, still catching your breath.
“She takes one every time we have sex, even with a condom.” He rolls his eyes.
You smirk, noting how if there’s anything you do better than your sister…It’s fucking her boyfriend.
SYNOPSIS; jake sim, bassist of AFTERHOURS and all round terrible guy, so deep in his self absorbed world where everything went his way and everyone fell at his feet. he hardly noticed you moving in next door until he caught a glimpse of you in the hallway. completely uninterested in your neighbour, you did you best to ignore his advances. that was until you found yourself humming along to the songs he practiced every night.
PAIRING; rockstar!jake x reader
GENRE; social media au, hella angsty I'm so sorry in advance, fluff too though, mature themes throughout
CHARACTERS; enhypen members, riize members, le sserafim members
WARNINGS; lots of swearing, inappropriate jokes, mature themes and sexual content, kys/dark humour jokes (not super extreme though!), mentions of toxic family, toxic relationships, cheating (not jake dw)
START; 04.01.24
END; tbc
TAGLIST; open! send an ask to be added! only those with an age on their blog will be added, must be 18+ please ^^ perma taglist already tagged!
SYNOPSIS; jake sim, bassist of AFTERHOURS and all round terrible guy, so deep in his self absorbed world where everything went his way and everyone fell at his feet. he hardly noticed you moving in next door until he caught a glimpse of you in the hallway. completely uninterested in your neighbour, you did you best to ignore his advances. that was until you found yourself humming along to the songs he practiced every night.
PAIRING; rockstar!jake x reader
GENRE; social media au, hella angsty I'm so sorry in advance, fluff too though, mature themes throughout
CHARACTERS; enhypen members, riize members, le sserafim members
WARNINGS; lots of swearing, inappropriate jokes, mature themes and sexual content, kys/dark humour jokes (not super extreme though!), mentions of toxic family, toxic relationships, cheating (not jake dw)
START; 04.01.24
END; tbc
TAGLIST; open! send an ask to be added! only those with an age on their blog will be added, must be 18+ please ^^ perma taglist already tagged!
❝ c’mon, this is exactly like the bahamas if you close your eyes. ❞
PAIRING ▸ lee heeseung x fem!reader
GENRES ▸ fluff, crack, best friends to lovers, summer romance au, rich kid au
WARNINGS ▸ profanity, underage drinking, heeseung is the biggest simp ever, and he calls you princess, mc has a stepdad, she is also a little spoiled in the beginning, tooth rotting fluff (like might be the fluffiest thing i’ve written), mutual pining ofc because this is a jayflrt fic, friends being insufferable (mainly 02z)
SUMMARY ▸ in the summer between high school and college, lee heeseung is determined to make you fall in love with the city of los angeles after your vacation plans in the bahamas fall through. somewhere between the lines, though, you end up falling for your childhood best friend.
WORD COUNT ▸ 16,375 words
PLAYLIST ▸ youth by troye sivan • tongue tied by grouplove • ribs by lorde • sanctuary by joji • cruel summer by taylor swift • stars by duncan laurence
AUTHOR’S NOTE ▸ i have been waiting AGES to share this one so i hope u guys like it !! ♡ also pls play stars by duncan laurence during the observatory scene if you’d like :’)
IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION WHEN YOU RECEIVED THE GOD-AWFUL NEWS.
“Your father and I are finally gonna have our honeymoon this summer!” your mother exclaimed, grinning excitedly as if she was expecting you to reciprocate the same energy.
Okay, maybe it wasn’t god-awful, but this was the one summer where you didn’t have to shoulder the responsibilities of being a student. Having recently graduated from high school, you were basking in the glow of finally becoming an adult and an incoming college freshman. You were finally free from AP exams, college applications, and the pressure of balancing academics and a social life. So, given all that, you were rather upset that your parents were leaving you behind before you had to fall into the routine of being a student all over again.
You didn’t mind having this talk. In fact, you were glad your mother was telling you in advance instead of just jetting away to another country and leaving a note behind. However, you didn’t understand why she had to have this conversation in front of your best friend, Lee Heeseung.
It probably didn’t help that you two had been joined at the hip since you were wearing diapers, but your families had gotten far too comfortable with each other. Just last week, Heeseung’s mom was asking you if you both had finally “tied the knot,” to which you replied by explaining that you had just graduated high school.
SYNOPSIS ! between a roommate, a class partner, an ex, and a best friend, you accidentally find yourself tangled up in their sheets. (MDNI !!! NSFW WARNING)
FEATURING ! heeseung x fem!reader, jake x fem!reader, sunghoon x fem!reader, jay x fem!reader
୨୧
APPLE CIDER ౨ৎ lee heeseung – by @pshaven coming dec. 10-15
synopsis! your new roommate, heeseung, seems to underestimate just how naive you really are when you catch him in a compromising situation.
wc! x
cw! x
GOT ME THINKING NONSENSE ౨ৎ sim jaeyun – by @rkvriki
synopsis! you get paired up with jake, your sweet classmate who’s always willing to help you, but while you’re both working, he seems to be the one needing help.
wc! x
cw! x
NUDES I CAN'T SEND ౨ৎ park sunghoon – by @pshaven
synopsis! after a drunken night of events you can’t remember, you find a park sunghoon at your front door with apologies you thought you’d never hear.
wc! x
cw! x
SCENT OF YOUR COLOGNE ౨ৎ park jongseong – by @rkvriki
synopsis! jay has been your best friend since you could remember, he’s used to seeing boys come in and out of your life but never once he thought he could be one of them.
modern au, college au, established relationship, slight music nerd bertholdt, bertholdt is above 6’4, reiner ships you and bert so hard (´◡`)
wc - 4.0k
warnings - kissing, overthinking, insecurities abt relationship, kinda bad 😭
a/n - wrote this on a whim when i was on my work break so it’s not the best 🙁 unedited and kinda messy
bertholdt loves it when it's just you two.
having his head cuddled between your plush thighs as you play with his brunette shag you hoped he never cut - watching the princess diaries in a comfortable silence you two shared so often that came with a growing mutual understanding of your budding relationship. he kisses the side of your plush thigh once in awhile when you run your hands over the side of his head in that way you always do when youre positioned like this on nights like these - when reiner is gone slaving away at practice right before the big game and it's just you two showering each other with affection.
that's until reiner comes back to his shared apartment with his best friend of over 5 years.
"reiner!" bertholdt slightly yelled like it was bloody murder. bertholdt quickly stood up, getting his abnormally big head (and big body) away from your thighs trying to act like nothing was happening - which was exactly happening. bertholdt accidentally pulled you off the couch as he frantically got up, a thud coming under you and a sympathetic look coming from bertholdt. sure - bertholdt loves showering you with his affection, but he'll never actually parade it in front of others, including the person who has seen him naked several times.
"what are you doing here?" he stupidly asked like him and reiner haven’t been living together for a whole year now.
"oh you know - coming back to my lovely home after a long day at practice.” reiner explains as he drops his gym bag and take off his sneakers, not acknowledging his best friends awkwardness to make him and you feel better.
it’s been a routine for the past couple of months. he’ll come home, see you and bertholdt cuddling, lost in your own world, and bertholdt being abruptly deported from his own little world with you whenever reiner appears into the living room.
reiner finds it slightly entertaining, not just how embarrassed bertholdt gets but the way bertholdt can easily be this close to you; you’ve created your own world with each other, speaking a language only you and bertholdt can understand. sure bertholdt’s awkward tendencies get in the way of him showing his love for you but reiner can see the way you love each other when he sees you two giggle at the plural form of ball.
and when you scold him for eating peanuts ever since he found out he was allergic to them because during your guys first date, they brought out a bowl of peanuts as an appetizer and apparently peanuts aren’t supposed to hurt your mouth like that (yet he still eats them).
and when he makes CDs for you filled with the static noise he calls music reiner and annie can’t stand yet you somehow like it.
and when you made reiner secretly steal all his pants one by one so you could tailor them to fit into his long legs.
and when bertholdt loves you to the point where he creates and you love him to the point where you can invent.
and when bertholdt gets too lost in his head, and reiner or annie never know what to do, but somehow you’re the only who could find him, and when bertholdt makes sure you don’t ever get lost, ever.
and when reiner comes home, after a long day at football practice, and he catches a quick glimpse into your shared world with bertholdt, speaking your own language, and he sees how he becomes you and you become him in the way you two hold each other. reiner likes this bertholdt, don’t get him wrong, he also likes awkward bertholdt a lot as well but he knows bertholdt is a lot more than an awkward sweaty lanky mess. he’s just happy that bertholdt has someone to be himself around - even his awkward self. and reiner would totally try pushing bertholdt to be more comfortable with holding you in front of others but right now, he smells like wet grass and total ass and he can’t feel his legs; trying to push bertholdt out of his box will have to wait.
apart, scratch that, a good chunk of you finds it insulting. like him being your boy and you being his girl is hell on earth. you know bertholdt loves you. of course he does! you’re his own prayer. but sometimes - he gets up a little too fast whenever reiner comes home, and it makes you do the unthinkable; overthink.
which is exactly what you’re doing right now as bertholdt helps you up the floor and you could feel his once dry palm, which he used to play with the side of your thighs as you played with his hair, now moist do to his nervousness. you sighed under your breath and grabbed your jacket and bag from the front door.
“alright, gonna take this as my sign to leave.” you said avoiding eye contact with bertholdt and reiner while zipping up your jacket.
bertholdt knows you’re annoyed. and he knows you’ll tell him that it’s fine.
“good luck tomorrow reiner!” you yelled as you were making your way out the door.
“wait!” bertholdt ran after you, swiftly putting on his house slippers, “let me walk you out!” bertholdt grabbed the top of the door frame preventing it from slamming, ducked his tall body under the door frame, and gently closed the door making sure he wouldn’t bother reiner.
you waited for him as he jogged a short distance to catch up to you.
“hey,” he greeted you like you weren’t hanging out the whole day.
you know you should say hi back, you always do, but you know what he always does? he always pushes you away when reiner comes home. and it’s not his fault for being so shy, but still, can’t a girl hold her boyfriend in peace?
“are you mad?” bertholdt asked with the worried look on his face he always seemed to have.
“no.” you briskly told him, keeping your eyes forward.
bertholdt sighs as he pushes the button for the elevator to go down. your arms are crossed as you wait for one of the elevators to be available. usually you and bertholdt would talk about everything and nothing - why he hates his philosophy professor, king krule possibly coming to paradis, if you should get those jeans from jaded london, giving him a fake palm reading just to touch his hands, looking at the view from the window in the elevator room and people-watching into the apartment complex across the street - but right now, it’s silent, and not the comfortable kind you two always have but the “please don’t be mad” kind.
“are you sure you’re not mad?” he asks, a little exasperated watching you walk into the elevator while you try to avoid eye contact. he walks in after you, distracted from how worried he is about you, the tall oaf ends up hitting his head on the sill of the elevator.
“Ow!” he rubs his forehead with his pointer finger and his thumb trying to numb the pain. he ducks down to the mirror of the elevator to check for any bleeding and catches you trying not to laugh your ass off at your oaf of a boyfriend. you have the prettiest smile, he swears. he tries to suppress his own smile as he hears you fail and you erupt into snorts and giggles.
“do I have to hurt myself in order for you to acknowledge me?” he jokingly asks.
“yes.” you respond as you still have a grin on your face from your fit of laughter not too long ago. bertholdt presses the button to go down to the garage, giving you a quick kiss on the cheek to reassure you about whatever you’re upset about.
bertholdt walks you to your car, still a little cautious around you.
“what’s on your mind? i know something’s wrong.” bertholdt steps in front of you, preventing you from going any further to your car. bertholdt isn’t letting you go to sleep tonight feeling like this.
“it’s nothing really.” and it really is nothing, to you at least but not to bertholdt.
“it’s something.” bertholdt quickly retorts gently bringing his hand to yours.
you’re a little emotional, you’ve always been.
“can you just hold me? there’s no one around.” you reassure him. bertholdt’s heart stings at your act of reassuring him. bertholdt looks around for a moment and hugs your body to his in the empty parking garage, feeling your specific type of inviting warmth to his chest and having the smell of your vanilla coconut leave in conditioner scent hug his nose. he’s leaning against your car as you lean into him.
“are you mad because i pull away from you whenever reiner comes home?” he gently asks as he gave you a kiss on your head.
“im not mad, just..”
bertholdt gives you all the time to continue.
“just..are you embarrassed of being in a relationship with me or something?” you look up at him, slightly teary eyed, hoping he wouldn’t notice. but he does; because he wants to make sure you’ll never get lost.
“no! of course im not!” he furrows his eyebrows at you. you stare up at him looking if he’s telling the truth. and you know he is but overthinking gets the best of you sometimes. “you should be the one embarrassed to be in a relationship with me!” bertholdt jokes to make you feel better.
you smile as you hug him tighter, “never.”
“it’s just sometimes i feel like you are embarrassed of me.” you push the side of your face into his chest, avoiding eye contact once again.
“I’m not.” and he isn’t. bertholdt looks down at you with sympathy in his eyes, rubbing and kneading your back. he knows you deserve someone who can hold you whenever they please.
“you know how shy I get.” bertholdt reassures you that it’s his problem, not yours.
“i know.” you tell him. “i don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I just want you to hold me, just right now.”
“trust me, holding you doesn’t make me uncomfortable.”
bertholdt holds you in his strong arms like you’re a dove. every touch from him is carefully placed. you pout your lips signaling for a small kiss. as soon as he reaches down to give you a quick kiss, the tip of his ears red from his meekness, here comes porco galliard and his loud ass car beeping twice at you two. your eyes crinkle at his cars bright ass headlights and bertholdt lets you go from his grasp, not wanting porco to see the monstrous act of holding his girlfriend.
“give this to reiner for me!” the boy named after a pig yelled through his rolled down passenger window and threw out reiner’s jockstrap, bertholdt catching it as he let out a sigh of dissent. porco irresponsibly and annoyingingly, may I add, sped out of the garage, bertholdt yelling at him to slow down.
your eyebrows furrowed in distress when your giant of a boyfriend let you go. you watch as he slightly jogs after the speeding car and yells at the pig man driving it to slow down. bertholdt walks towards you, the dissatisfied look in your eyes wishing he kissed you a few moments earlier. bertholdt gives you a sympathetic smile as he held reiner’s jockstrap in between his fingers.
“bye,” you curtly smile back and tried as fast as you could to get into your car as you ignored your boyfriends goodbyes.
bertholdt watched your car drive out of the parking garage, a disappointed groan coming from his body.
the olive skinned boy closes his apartment door with a sigh. it pains him to know that there’s apart of you, that may grow into a chunk, that thinks he’s ashamed of you. and you know he isn’t, but he knows how you overthink. hell, he can’t blame you. if he was in your position, he would think the same thing too.
but bertholdt is shy - painfully shy, almost like he’s cursed to be this way forever, and it’s not like he doesn’t want to hold you the way he does behind closed doors in front of others. if bertholdt could, he’d have you attached to the hip.
bertholdt is just…how you say - modest.
one touch, and he knows he’s gone.
it took him at least three months into the relationship for him to even comfortably hold you, and took him another three for it to become a regular thing. every touch from your fingertips is a modified blow, and bertholdt is made of glass. the first time you molded your hands to the side of his face, he swore he shattered into a thousand pieces. and you put him back all together. you touch him like a prayer, a prayer only you two understand. the first time you touched bertholdt, when you held his face, or when he laid his head in between your thighs, or when his senses are overloaded with you - bertholdt feels his heart take root in his body, discovering something he doesn’t even have a name for.
so it’s not that bertholdt is embarrassed, he just craves even the slightest brush of your fingertips against his skin too much.
“You forgot your jockstrap.” bertholdt throws it to a now freshly showered reiner, who is currently eating his second bowl of lucky charms right now.
“thanks.” states a tired reiner.
reiner put his now empty bowl in the sink while bertholdt got ready for bed.
“goodnight bertholdt.” reiner slaps bertholdt’s flat ass.
“goodnight reiner.” bertholdt does the same to reiner.
reiner yawns and before closing his bedroom door, he peeks his head out, and with tired eyes and a tired voice, he tells his best friend since middle school,
“if you could slap my ass every night, you can hold your girl without being a scaredy cat about it by the way.”
bertholdt looks back at him with a surprised look on his face.
“you should hold her more.” reiner states before he kicks his bedroom close and going to sleep for his game tomorrow.
and bertholdt agrees.
these intrusive thoughts aren’t letting you sleep. the many times bertholdt has pushed your affection away in front of others is making you cringe and the little voice inside your head is not letting you forget them. there’s a devil and angel on your shoulders arguing whether he really loves you or not. you’re being dramatic, no you’re not, yes you are. all you really want is your boyfriend to hold you. is that too much to ask? you wanna cry but you don’t let yourself, bertholdt would let you. you let out a frustrated sigh and grab your phone from your nightstand. a second ago it was only 12 but now it’s almost 3 o clock in the morning. to hell with these intrusive thoughts.
bertholdt <3: Just wanna say goodnight and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I hope you feel better in the morning, I love you.
sent at 12:25
you roll your eyes at the text message sent by your boyfriend but can’t help but feel a teensy bit better, but not enough to fall asleep. a glass of warm milk and those melatonin chocolates bertholdt bought for you will do. you find your roommate pieck awake at almost 3 in the morning making herself a cup of tea in her jaw titan mug.
“he did it again.” you tell her as you get out the carton of milk and pour it into a glass.
“again!?” pieck suddenly drops her spoon into her cup of tea.
“shhhhh!” annie is in her room doing the right thing you’re supposed to do at 3 in the morning, sleep. annie is also possibly the lightest sleeper you’ve ever come across and even pieck’s soft voice can wake her up.
“did you tell him how you feel?” pieck asked more quietly this time as she blew at her hot tea.
“yeah.” you sighed, waiting for the microwave to be done warming up your glass of milk.
“and?”
“and…he told me that he wasn’t embarrassed of me and he was just shy.” you take your too hot glass of milk out of the microwave and ended up yelling, possibly waking up annie and praying you didn’t.
“shhhh!” pieck pulls her finger to her lips.
you and pieck stay quiet to listen out for annie’s footsteps, and luckily for you two, you heard none.
“well that’s good right? he’s not embarrassed of you!” pieck says, a little more quiet this time, just in case.
“yeah but, your pig of a boyfriend, who’s headlights are way too bright, came to drop off…something reiner forgot and he let go of me like i was burning hot.” you drink all your milk in one go and let the chocolate dissolve in your mouth.
“but you are burning hot.”
“pieck,” you smile at her playful flirting while staying stern to let her know now is not the time to flirt
“why the hell are both of you still awake?” annie opens the door to her room glaring at both of her roommates.
“what the fuck annie!?” you yelped in your normal voice not having to whisper anymore.
annie makes her way to the fridge and grabs a water bottle, gulping it down like she’s been stranded in the Sahara desert for eternity.
“you two suck at whispering.” annie states throwing away the now empty water bottle.
“what could you two be talking about this fine night?” annie sarcastically asks.
“your bestie is a scaredy-cat and can’t hold his girlfriend in front of others.” pieck jokes.
“pieck!”
“bertholdt?”
“who else?” you confirm
“you can’t make him do anything that makes him uncomfortable, bertholdt’s always been like that.” annie defends her best friend as if you were talking bad about him in the first place.
“im not.”
“well it sounds like you are.” annie’s a good friend, you note.
“i never took a dig at bertholdt as a person, you know how I feel about him annie, i just…feel like he’s embarrassed of me.” you look away from her, a little embarrassed yourself.
annie scoffs, sitting down at the kitchen table “he is not embarrassed of you stupid.”
you look at annie a bit relieved.
“he’s just meek, okay? trust me, it gets to me sometimes too. bertholdt always seemed like he would be meek forever..”
“that’s not a bad thing.” you retort
“can you let me finish first?” annie continues “but, and I know you know this, he’s destined to be more than that.”
“he is already more than that.”
“i already know that.” annie says
there’s a bit of an awkward silence and pieck has awkwardly been stirring her tea the whole time.
annie sighs, “he seems to be a lot more confident ever since you’ve been with him and….” annie hates that she’s admitting this, god she prays you and pieck learn to whisper so she won’t ever have to say something like this again to anyone.
“I like that he’s happy with you.”
your eyes brighten up with joy.
“really?” you smile brightly.
“yes really.” annie sighs once again.
“thanks annie.” you give her a hug and she awkwardly pats your back. you make your way back to your bedroom, with a lingering smile on your face. you text bertholdt goodnight and you know he’s gonna worry over the time you sent your text (3:15 in the morning) but at least now your intrusive thoughts have stopped.
annie doesn’t see you as a friend like pieck or the rest of her friends do. you’re just her roommate. but ever since bertholdt has been dating you for the past 9 months, he does things like hum while doing basic tasks, developed an actual sense of fashion, listens to actual good music and her favorite? tells her and reiner that he loves them every night in their groupchat.
“annie?” pieck says quietly, her tea gone cold.
“yes pieck?” annie sighs, once again.
“do you like bertholdt, in the way Y/N likes bertholdt?” pieck is also a good friend.
annie turns to pieck a bit dumbfounded “pieck, I am literally a lesbian, god.”
“oh thank god.” pieck lets out a breath of relief.
annie goes back into her room, her head now hurting.
you have no idea how football works.
you chant offense when it’s defense, defense when it’s offense, don’t even know what it means to be flagged. yet here you are, giving all your undivided attention to the very homoerotic game that is football, trying to ignore your intrusive thoughts about your boyfriend. all you really know is reiner’s jersey number.
the score is currently 14 - 7, halftime is in three minutes, and under these late night stars, the crowd is starting to get rowdy. eren jaeger is sat three seats beside you yelling at jean kierstein about how much of a pussy the opposing team is. jean kierstein’s face is tomato red as he tries his hardest not to punch eren in the face. armin is right in the middle of it wishing he never came. mikasa knows that these losers wouldn’t even survive in a football game but she can. your roommate pieck just wants to support her boyfriend, and bertholdt and your other roommate annie are just supporting their best friend.
you don’t understand the hype for college football games. the aftermath was always so depressing. men fighting over two groups of other men cuddling each other, underage college students getting alcohol poisoning, people you’ve seen post environmental activism infographics on their instagram stories littering like it’s nothing.
you’ve seen the worst minds of your generation at a college football game.
bertholdt knows you have no idea what’s going on. he’s talking to annie about the game, while also trying to subtly explain to you how it works and annie has no idea why bertholdt is explaining the game to her. If bertholdt keeps this up, annie will probably have to beat his ass.
“the titans just got flagged? wow I wonder what they got penalized for.”
“yeah our defense, who stop the other team from scoring, have been doing really well this season!”
“our offense, who have the ball currently, have been kinda sloppy this quarter, don’t you think?”
Bertholdt is lucky halftime is about to start.
“I’m gonna go get something to eat.” annie states, annoyed by bertholdt.
“get me a korean corn dog please!” you yell after her. she flips you off as she walks away, which means yes, you will get your korean corn dog.
that silence between you and bertholdt appears from last night again, the “please don’t be mad” kind, and you don’t like it. you can feel bertholdt’s doe eyes on you and you know he’s worried about you. he let you go home feeling like an embarrassment to him and he has so much to make up for.
you two don’t really get into the typical fights, sure some misunderstandings, but nothing like this before. you’re overreacting, you know you are. but you can’t help but feel so insecure.
“you should stop explaining how football works to Annie before she beats you up.” you tell your oaf of a boyfriend in a way to let him know him that you don’t want it to be like this any longer.
“if she beat me up, would it make you happy?” bertholdt jokingly asked, a little relieved.
“very.” you gave bertholdt a toothy grin. you give him the most brisk kiss on the cheek, you don’t even think your lips touched him.
“thank you.” you tell him because you know the only reason why he even is explaining football to annie, who probably understands it way more than you and bertholdt, is because he thinks you need space from the passive aggressive predicament you got into last night. (which is far from what you need)
you’re eyes are guided back to the big jumbotron in the center of the field, watching the two dogs who represent the two teams race against each other. bertholdt keeps his eyes on you and observes the way your face lights up when you see the brown labrador dressed as an armored titan race against a black great dane dressed as the colossal.
“bertholdt that black dog resembles you so much!” you tell him in the nicest way possible as you point at the screen. ymir bursts into the most disrespectful laughter possible, her and her girlfriend historia sitting above you and bertholdt.
“ymir stop being mean!” historia scolds.
bertholdt doesn’t care though, he does look like a dog to a certain extent, and he doesn’t care - as long as he can see you smile. he disregards ymir’s snorts, he ignores eren and jean’s arguing, he hasn’t noticed that annie’s been gone for longer than usual, he forgets what breed the dogs were and which one won, the cheering in the stadium has suddenly stopped - all he knows at this moment is you. here you are, his girl, the biggest smile on your face accentuating your cheekbones with your eyes crinkling in the corner. he swears you have the prettiest smile. it makes his brain go fuzzy, makes him forget everything around him -
your intrusive thoughts have gotten the very best of you, all of last night and up to today. there’s that voice in your head who keeps on telling you that you’re not worthy of being shown off, that being with someone like you is an embarrassment - how dare anyone love you? but right now - bertholdt feels so honored in this current moment sitting this close to you and having the privilege to see you smile. he looks like an idiot probably as he admires you from his seat that his tall body can barely fit in. but he doesn’t care - all his inhibitions have left and you’ve replaced them.
reiner can’t wait until this game is over with. he’s sat on the metal moist bench with his helmet off squeezing his water bottle into his mouth as his bandages are being renewed below him by the teams nurse. the black game paint he painted across his face has became grey and smudged and his hair is soaked from how much he’s been sweating. there’s about three minutes of halftime left and he’s spending those three minutes watching the Jumbotron across him.
“pucker your lips and get ready for the kiss cam titans!” came a booming voice from the intercom.
the first couple weren’t even a couple and the girl ended up moving away when the guy motioned a kiss towards her.
the second couple gave each other a meek kiss and the crowd boo’d at their lousy excuse of a kiss.
the third couple was a girl in the middle of eating a korean corn dog and the giraffe of a man totally entranced by her cheese pull.
reiner’s eyes widen as he sets his eye on the dork of a couple who were cuddling on his couch last night.
bertholdt is looking at you like you’re the only person in this whole stupidly funded football stadium. you have a bit of mustard on the corner of your lips and your inhaling the cool night air to cool down the burning piece of fried cheese in your mouth. you look to bertholdt and stick your tongue out and point at it with sad eyes.
“I burnt my tongue,” you said with your tongue still sticking out.
“you’re on kiss cam you idiots!” ymir smiled at the both of you and playfully pushed bertholdt’s towards you.
bertholdt doesn’t even know he’s on kiss cam. he barely felt ymir push him over to you. he sees you look over to the jumbotron and grow embarrassed as you use your hand to cover your face. out of nowhere, you’re hit with the massive weight that is the whole crowd’s judgement. somehow, you’re the one filled with inhibitions and bertholdt isn’t.
“bertholdt…” you whisper to him, “we’re on kiss cam!” you say this like it’s the worse thing in the world.
all bertholdt hears is kiss and that’s what he does - in front of thousands of people, all of paradis’ college towns watching on their TVs, in front of eren jaeger and jean kierschstein who’ve stopped arguing due to how surprised they are, in front of armin arlert who’s just glad they’ve stopped arguing, in front of mikasa ackerman who has never felt so much second hand embarrassment in her life just from you eating your corn dog, in front of pieck finger who’s smiling so big because you were just telling her last night how you felt bertholdt was embarrassed of you, in front of annie leonhardt who can’t help but roll her eyes at you two, in front of ymir who’s cheering bertholdt on, and in front of reiner braun, who’s annoying the nurse who’s bandaging his calves from his constant movement as he stands up and cheers for his best friend since middle school.
bertholdt is carefully cradling your face in both of his hands, like you’re his own personal prayer, his own personal heaven, his own angel; they’re large and warm up your cool face and his fingers reach to your scalp. you didn’t expect this from him, you even thought he would just walk away pretending to not even know who you are (and if he did that, you would give him something to be embarrassed about). but here he is, his lips on your lips, kissing you like this is what mouths are for. finding warmth in his mouth, you relax into his lips and hold his hands closer to your face.
neither you or bertholdt can hear the crowd cheering you guys on as bertholdt’s lips put you into some sort of trance just like how your smile induced his. it is every kiss bertholdt owes you every time he pulled away in front of others. it is the song baby by donnie and joe emerson that is the first track on the CD bertholdt gifted you when he asked you to be his girlfriend. it is the last track - ‘baby’ by ariel pink. it is bertholdt’s hands cradling your face up to reach his lips and your hands on his, your mouth becoming his mouth, it is you who breaks into shards and it will be him who will put you back together.
once you both pull away due to the ear-paining air horn signifying that halftime is over, the kiss cam screening had already been over with. bertholdt’s olive skin heats up, his lips covered in your gloss and your lips a bit swollen.
you look up at to him with bright but bashful eyes, and you smile.
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It’s funny. You’re in the same city, with the same bad weather. Water droplets hit the window and slipped down, leaving a long trail. In a coffee shop with pricey coffee that aggravates your stomach ache, yet you drink every sip of that venti size for the sake of unproven internet articles about how it increases dopamine. It’s funny with a dash of melancholy. You’re in a city where you and your friends have shared wonderful moments, but these recollections are little more than distant figments. To be here once more, trying to run away from someone, despite the fact that you knew there was no distance in the world that could keep him out of your thoughts and heart.
SYNOPSIS: If there was one thing Heeseung hated more than anything, it was growing up in a small, fishing town at the edge of Jeju Island. Sure, living in the sea seemed like an idealistic upbringing, but there was one person that made his life there insufferable—you. Growing up with you meant he had to deal with your selfish, rude, and foul-mouthed behavior while simultaneously taking care of you due to your frail body. When he finally has the chance to leave for the city, a twist of fate drags him back to the same, stuffy small town that he has to call home.
GENRE: Coming of age, romance, drama, melodrama, bildungsroman
WARNINGS: R15 | Profanity | Mentions of food consumption | Hospital imagery | Implied sexual activity | Existential | Many mentions and explicit discussions surrounding death
DIRECTOR'S CUT: For the nth time yes! This is vivian/camille formerly @/orpheyeux! FAQ for more info and yes, I'm making a full-fledged comeback.
SOUNDTARCK: HERE.
COPYRIGHT OROCHXI 2023. DO NOT REPOST OR TRANSLATE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.
If there was one thing Heeseung was certain about, then it was the fact that you were an extremely unpleasant person.
After he’s finally had the chance to escape the town of his childhood and the mundane, endless cycles of fishery and tourism that sustained its economy, he was back to the place he wanted to run away from in the first place.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he thought, dragging his large suitcase to the rocky, unkept roads leading to the bus stop. The briny smell of the sea overwhelmed his nose, prompting him to hold his breath for as long as he could. Everything that reminded him about the sea made him sick—the warm sand particles that always managed to get stuck between his toenails, the shards of seashells that pricked his feet, and the never-ending cries of seagulls that always flew in the clear, blue horizon. All of the things that made the ocean a picturesque vacation spot were, to him, a suffocating reminder of his ties to his small town.
His parents named him after the Chinese characters for “acceptance”—not that he’s particularly liked the word or anything. He believes he’s not, but the people in the city often describe him in that way. Calm, patient, generous, and levelheaded—all these adjectives were usually thrown in his direction whenever his friends would introduce him to a mixer or a party. In truth, he was pretty sure he was your run-of-the-mill human being, with flesh and bones to match the basic structure of everyone around him. If he thinks about it further, he’d even say that his temper is relatively short. In Seoul, he often ponders the meaning of all the adjectives his city friends throw at him. People who grew up without the inconvenience of steep slopes and threats of tidal waves often get angry about the smallest things—such as the rain, for instance. Like anything Mother Nature produces, rain is an arbitrary phenomenon that humans cannot control, yet the people of Seoul still throw a fit over forgetting their umbrella or having to bring one in the first place.
Perhaps there is something different about him, because when he loses his temper, he starts to feel the unstoppable hurricane build up in his chest, and then, he feels the anger comfortably sweep back and forth like a great wave crashing down into the shore. Ever since he moved to the city, he had always thought that his temper resulted from growing up in the countryside. Maybe it was just in his blood as a country person to remain cool-headed about trivial matters such as forgetting to charge his phone before going out or stepping on a dog’s territorial pissing.
However, he was able to experience such temperamental rage in the city. Just a few days ago, he had forgotten to buy a ticket to a concert as soon as it began selling. By the time he refreshed the page, the resale prices had quadrupled the general admission tickets he had longed to buy. It took all the nerves in his body to prevent himself from throwing his computer out the window, but as he glared into the sunset, it suddenly hit him—a wave of relief.
This rage was nothing compared to what you did to me.
Being annoyed is a human trait that even Heeseung had the displeasure of experiencing—but, he noticed that there was a mantra he’d whisper to himself whenever he was on the verge of throwing a fit or screaming into his pillow. It was an automatic, subconscious reaction, a shield of some sort that protected him from destroying the rented furniture of his apartment. First, he would close his eyes, then whisper your name in a string of incoherent mumbles, pinning all of his misfortunes and annoyance to you.
It’s your fault. Thanks to you, nothing makes me mad anymore.
Heeseung had guessed that throughout all the time he’s spent with you, his body had become blurringly numb before feeling any amount of rage enter his system.
And yet, as he stared into the distant view of the city’s skyline, watching the marmalade sunset dye the city in its warm hues, there was an achingly painful pang in his chest that always managed to make him cry until the sunrise.
For some reason, no matter how hard he had convinced himself that he indeed, hated you, his love for you never stopped. No, love itself didn’t need to stop. It was something that kept flowing, calmly floating like the currents of a lake in the mountains. Even if climate change makes the lake run dry, the water would always end up in the ocean. In that sense, he realized that even if he emptied his heart of love, it would still come back in a much bigger form.
To think that this was his last visit to a seaside town he called home invoked a bittersweet feeling in his heart. After all, even if he would say he loathed the place, the various people who he once called neighbors, as well as the blood relatives he had to call family, gave him a place to return.
However, deep in his heart, he knew that the only place his heart could return to were the days he’d spent with you.
Only there.
Even since you were born, you were ridiculously frail, with endless ailments and medical conditions written in your birth handbook. Every time you had to go through a doctor's checkup or a health check in school, professionals always gave you the bad news first. She's too weak to attend P.E. classes, she's probably going to die young, and of course, the worst one of all: I'm afraid she doesn't have too long anymore. It was for this reason that funeral preparations had always surrounded you. After all, your family was always prepared for the worst. The way they treated you ended up serving your benefit, though, because you were spoiled to death. A single coughing fit resulted in your mother sending you to all the hospitals that Korea could offer, and your father made sure that you had the most luxurious, yet healthy meals to sustain your weakened immune system. It was for this reason, too, that you began to develop a rather pushy, insolent, and nasty personality. To make up for your lack of physical strength, you channeled whatever you could into your will.
In hindsight, Heeseung had disrespectfully wished you were completely bedridden. Even if you were very weak, you still had enough stamina to lead a regular life. You were allowed to attend school and continue your studies, and you had the small pleasures of living a "normal" life. This, to Heeseung, was what made stuff worse. Your family's overbearing attitude towards you, coupled with your mental fortitude, made you a sly, malicious, rude, foul-mouthed, selfish—all the negative adjectives he could think of painted a picture of you in his head. You always had a pompously obnoxious air of pure arrogance around you, and you were too blunt, deliberately saying what others didn't want to hear. You had no sense of timing, you refused to read the room, and you spoke in such an ugly, despicable, and disagreeable tone.
In short, you were a demon in disguise.
Your family operated a seaside villa that housed a sizable number of guests. Business was usually high in the summertime, where domestic and foreign tourists flocked to unwind from a stressful nine-to-five or to spend too much of their extra income on a tiny island that was relatively photogenic. Of course, this very villa was where you lived, along with your picturesque family, who you all had wrapped around your pretty little finger.
Heeseung's father moved to Jeju when he was born, owing to the nature of his job as a marine biologist. Since your villa was right by his house, his mother would often help around when your family was short in staff. She would mostly be in the kitchen with your mother, brainstorming several ideas to raise sales. They came up with a classic madeleine recipe that used the island's sea salt in the caramel drizzle, which then became a staple souvenir for those who frequented your villa. Heeseung's brother stayed with his grandparents back in Gyeonggi-do due to schooling complications. Eventually, his transfer papers were sorted out, and he became a part of Heeseung's seaside life.
As for your family, you lived with your father and mother, who were both heads of your family business. You were an only child, which definitely worsened your foul attitude. What made things worse for him was how you seemed to pick on him the most, pestering him with all your evil thoughts and pranks. As children, his father would often laugh at his younger son running for his life out of your room, and his mother would force him to become your friend for fears of you being "too lonely" as a sickly child.
One of the things he hated the most about you was when your condition took a turn for the worse, forcing you to stay bedridden until you got better. In this state, your temper would accelerate into unimaginable heights, facilitating a sharper, more dangerous edge. To stop you from exhausting too much energy into your fiery tantrums, your parents gave you the room at the corner of the second floor—which was right by the balcony that oversaw the entire shoreline. In the day, the sunlight would reflect on the water's surface, giving the sea an extra radiance that glittered and sparkled with life. Then, in the night, the moon's reflection would ripple on the surface, calming you down by singing you a sweet lullaby through the consistent, gentle waves that washed over the sand. It was one of Heeseung's favorite places because the view was beautiful, but it was a place he resented due to your nasty disposition.
Since he was born healthy, he couldn't imagine how it must've felt like to live right next to death, constantly second-guessing the day where you'll finally succumb to a peaceful slumber. In a sense, death was always looming, but in your case, you basically befriended death and made it your friend. In your open room, with the sea calling your name, you always lay down with death right beside you. One of the things you often told Heeseung as a sick joke was how you bewitched death with your beauty and that the grim reaper wanted you to be his wife. Of course, Heeseung didn't know what a wife was, nor did he know how serious dying can be, so he went along with your twisted fairytale, believing this "death" was your prince charming.
Being sickly also gave you many excuses to be lazy. Even if you were gifted with such a beautiful room right next to the sea, you kept your curtains shut, and your windows locked, making sure no amounts of sunlight entered your room. Your books and toys would be all over your carpeted floor, with some food smears on the ground. The once beautifully-lacquered wooden floorboards sometimes had cracks and scratches in them, and they often had to be replaced for fears of you getting splinters. Whenever Heeseung was forced by his mother to play with you, he would end up running out your door in tears because the disheveled state of your room was almost akin to a horror movie set. There would be splashes of ketchup on the walls, along with markings made by red crayons to mimic the effect of a blood splatter. Eventually, your mother had entered your room and assumed you had tuberculosis—thus rendering you in another week of being bedridden and skipping school. When everyone in the villa realized it was your doing, they couldn't lash out at you. After all, what good would it do to scold a sick girl?
Even if there were times where your mother raised her voice on you, or if one of the house helpers told your father about your mischief, you would always sneer at them, telling them they'll regret everything if you died that very night.
You were also extremely beautiful, with thick, long lashes that curled past your lids, and the apples of your cheeks showing signs of life despite taking ten or more different kinds of medications every day.
Of course, you used your beauty to your advantage. By the time you and Heeseung were in middle school, you made it a habit to flirt with boys in your class, getting them to carry you to the nurse's office or hold your hand as you invited them on walks by your villa's shoreline. The boys you held hands with seemed to change all the time that it was often an inside joke between Heeseung and the part-time workers of your villa to place bets on how long it'll last. Considering how small the town was, he was surprised there weren't any malicious rumors that spread about you being an easy girl or a dangerous femme fatale. What surprised him even more, though, was how you were perceived as the Virgin Madonna of your dying port town, spreading kindness to the boys you would bewitch with a single snap of the finger. His classmates, friends, and even his very own brother saw you as your charming, spellbinding facade.
It wasn't to say that Heeseung was jealous —in fact, he felt blessed that he was the exception to your faux enchantment. Sometimes he would look at your little dates by the beach and think to himself, man, aren't I lucky to have not fallen for that! Over the years of watching you on these days, however, he had noticed a bone-chilling fact that he couldn't ignore to this day. Each evening when you and whichever boy you were messing around with at the time would walk by the shoreline, you would slow down your steps. In the endless stretches of wide and white sand, you would kneel down, feint a fall, and have the boy hold your fragile shoulders. As a gesture of thanks, you always lifted your head and directly looked into the boy's eyes, curling your lips into a subtle smile that complemented the light of the sinking sun. In those moments, you felt transparent, blending too well into the background until you turned invisible. Sometimes, Heeseung had to blink several times to convince himself that you were still present, holding another boy's face in your weak palms. Witnessing these scenes often filled his eyes with tears, because even if he thought he had hated you, he couldn't deny the aura of pure loneliness that you emitted in your beach dates.
There was a particular turning point in Heeseung's rather tumultuous relationship with you. He'd argue that without this incident, the two of you wouldn't have been able to become close friends. To be fair, anyone who had the patience to tolerate your nasty attitude and blunt insults would find a fun playmate in you. Especially when something as infinite as the sand and the sea became your playground, there were many ways for children to hone their creativity and uncover a mystery with each step they took. Owing to your sickly state, you mostly spent your time in your father's study, reading all the books that his shelves had to offer. Unfortunately—for Heeseung and your go-to victims—that meant you had smarter ways to channel your devious tricks.
It was perhaps around high school, where you and Heeseung would play a little game that you created. The seaside town seemed to have everything except for a functioning city life, which meant rows of beautiful mountain ranges that overlooked the crystalline, blue waves of the sea. The school that he went to with you was also located in one of these mountain ranges, and he would often have to accompany you in the car since your body was too weak to walk to the bus stop. When you were absent from school, he would take this as a chance to ride his bicycle up the slope or take the bus that only arrived in forty-minute intervals.
In school, your class sizes were relatively small—never exceeding thirty, but always past twenty. Grade levels were also relatively small compared to what Heeseung had experienced in the city. Throughout his life, there were always two classes, both in total, making up approximately forty students in one grade. There weren't many transfer students either, so everyone pretty much knew each other since kindergarten, grade school, or middle school. When he turned high school, he and you had been put in the same class for the first time, and by personal request of Heeseung's family—who didn't know anything about your true nature—he had the displeasures of being next to you in every single class. Fortunately, you put on your best behavior in school, playing the role of a typical, sickly, yet delicately dainty teenage girl.
Having to constantly watch you also meant skipping out on some of his own free time playing basketball in the small, decrepit court by the gym or eating at the lunch table with his friends. Now, he would either sit on one of the empty beds at the nurse's office, watching your lying figure recover from the unpleasant heat waves of the summer or the strain of walking around too much. To pass the time, both of you would end up playing childhood games such as cards, marbles, or a never-ending game of rock, paper, scissors. Since he was always playing against you, he expected the consequences of his loss to be much harsher than a usual game of old maid at the lunch table.
Usually, the punishment he had to do was rather unforgivable, but definitely acceptable so long as he didn't get caught. Things like sneaking you out of the nurse's office, or swapping the basketball team's jerseys since he had access to the gym lockers—somewhat terrible, but lighthearted in nature. However, the same incident that brought the two of you closer was also one of the biggest fights he's had with you. It was during his second year of high school, when talks of going to Seoul came up. He had always wanted to go to the city for university, and had cooped himself up in his room to ace the CSAT exams for a scholarship. Sure, he saw you every day in school, but as your neighbor, he was practically non-existent anymore. The small, desktop lamp by his study table would constantly flicker until dawn, like a moon on earth. He also had to make up for his extracurriculars by attending practice, so adjustments were made to the arrangements his parents had initially wanted. Instead of going home with you, he would ask his brother to pick you up whenever he was in town. If his brother were back in the city for university, then he would resort to asking one of the villa's workers to take you home while he stayed for basketball practice.
The incident took place on the weekend, during a summer afternoon. A light rain fell and wrapped the skies in a sheer, grey layer of clouds. Heeseung had been taking summer classes, so he was always out of the house, unlike you. In seaside towns, the rain always carried the scent of the sea—so much so that he could feel some of the salt sting his eyes. Perhaps he was doing whatever he could to keep himself busy. Still, no matter how much homework, studies, and basketball practices he drowns himself in, there will always be a moment where an immense sadness would take over, consuming him in an endless abyss of despair. Heeseung's then-girlfriend had suddenly died of breathing complications, and he was stuck in a lonesome limbo of grieving or forgetting about it entirely. Before her death, Heeseung would try his best to spend time with her, and she was mature enough to understand his own duties with you. On the weekends, he would devote some time to go on dates with her, never bringing her to the neighborhood where your villa was.
"Why don't you want me to see her?" His former girlfriend would ask whenever they went on dates, and Heeseung would give her the same, widened, terrified eyes. He would then hold her hand in his palms and reply with, "You don't want to see what she's like at home, trust me."
She wasn't his first, and in hindsight, he would say that the relationship was shallow, but she was definitely someone who showed him the gravity of death. The news came as a sudden shock to him, and all of a sudden, his flowery youth had hit a plateau. No matter how much he tried to waste all his energy in basketball practice or his studies, he would always end up curling into a ball on his bedroom floor, crying his eyes out until they were puffy. At some point, his mother had softly knocked on his door, telling him that you were on the phone.
"She said she needs to talk to you," His mother whispered loud enough through his door for him to hear.
"Tell her I'm not home," He replied, taking his thin blankets and wrapping his body with them to resume his lovely evening on his carpeted floor.
His mother was one of many who didn't know about your evil side. Sure, she had seen you mess around in the villa as a child, but she took it as an episode of childish games. Now that you were a teenager, you mainly had given Heeseung's mother many reasons never to suspect your mischief. To his surprise, his mother had simply walked off without forcing him to talk to you on the phone. He took this as a sign to continue lying idly on the floor, flipping through his textbooks and notes to keep his brain busy. Eventually, he began to nod off—but before he could finally give his body some much-needed rest, he heard a series of quick, light footsteps that abruptly halted in front of his room. The door creaked ever so slightly, and he saw a panicked glint in your eyes. Due to the rain, you were soaking wet, and he quickly sprung up to open the door and give you a towel.
"Heeseung," You said while panting. It was clear that you had sprinted from your villa to his house. A relatively short distance, but for a sickly girl like you, it was more than enough to take a massive hit on your stamina.
The expression on your face was that of immense uneasiness, and you practically looked like you'd seen a ghost. However, the facade had quickly faded away from the more you spoke, giving rise to the bossy, impatient mannerisms that had become associated with your name.
"Come on, snap out of it!" You demanded, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. You then slipped a piece of crumpled paper from the pocket of your raincoat. He slowly took it with one hand while remaining suspicious of your actions. On the surface, anyone would believe you. You were an amazing actress who, beauty aside, could seamlessly change your demeanor and emotions with a blink of an eye. However, for someone like Heeseung, who had known you since you were children, there was an exaggerated and animated quality to your movements. Nonetheless, he took the paper from you, and once he read through its contents, the tears he had just wiped out began flowing again.
Taking the confession letter that his dead girlfriend had given him, he then compared it with the crumpled paper in front of him. There was no doubt about it; each heavy stroke and curvature were her handwriting. A rush of fragmented memories entered his headspace—and now, he was back in the gardens of the school, timidly accepting her confession on a breezy, warm spring morning. The letter had the exact same start as the confession letter that had been written,
Heeseung, my star,
Farewell.
I'm sorry I couldn't tell you why I left, but I'll be watching you from above, just like how I've always watched you from the sidelines since middle school. Please be the person you were to me, and stay kind, caring, and accepting of everyone.
I love you.
Heeseung didn't know whether to lash out at you or not. Deep down inside, he knew that this was one of your elaborate pranks, but he was too stunned to speak at the moment. You were looking straight into his eyes, lips trembling in fervor as you awaited his response.
"Where did you find this?" He finally said with a force so strong that his voice boomed throughout his entire bedroom.
"I don't know if you'll believe me or not, but I found it under your table at school." You replied.
"No way,"
Lowering your voice to a whisper, you lowered your head right by his ear. For a moment, all of his memories with his dead girlfriend began flooding back to him in droves,
"Listen," You started. "I told you that at this rate, I'm like, death's wife or something. Nobody knows death better than I do, so I can feel everything that has to do with him."
You then stood up, pulling his curtains back to reveal the twilight sky. The moon was crystal clear, sending its low beam to the ripples of the still, gentle sea. Leaning your body on his windowsill, you turned back to face him with the same, determined eyes that he's always known you for.
"You know how I had to go to school to get some of the stuff I left in the classroom? You know, because I had to leave school before everyone else? Yeah, I saw her there. You might think that we don't know each other, but I kind of have a debt to pay back since she was always the kinda kid to watch me with worried eyes whenever I was in school. She even left fruit juices in my locker! So when I saw her transparent, see-through body come closer, it kind of just hit me—there's a letter for you under your desk, and I have to deliver it."
Everything sounded outright ridiculous, but the timbre in your voice made it believable enough. There was a certain solemnity to the way you spoke, and each word that came out of your mouth touched the depths of his heart with a dreamlike desperation. Maybe you did see her ghost, and maybe you didn't. Who knows.
Now, you pressed the palms of your hands to gather in a prayer, closing your eyes shut as you let the nightly winds push your hair behind your ear. Even now, the ripples of the light rainfall echoed through his dark room. In his current kneeling figure, he felt himself slip out of the realm of reality, profoundly being sucked into your angelically dangerous void. Everything that had happened up to the incident seemed to be sliding down to the shore, washing away into an ocean of mystery. A place where an unforgivable truth was firmly held still—that was what his room had felt like, a soft sway of uneasy stillness.
"So, what should we do now?" You suddenly asked, voice becoming very quiet. Heeseung had to get up and walk to the space right next to you to hear you, listening to every shift in pitch that further convinced him of your innocence. The trembles and shakiness of your breath added a sense of struggle, as if it was hard for you to reveal this all to him. There was a terrifying pallor on your face, and you looked at him imploringly.
"Well," He began nervously. Before he could speak, you interrupted his train of thought with a certain air of delicacy, as if everything that went on was too much for you.
"For now, you should probably go home. I'll drop you off, so make sure you warm yourself up and go to bed immediately. Knowing you, you'd probably get a fever tomorrow, so just change your clothes and go home."
Without a word, you nodded along and zipped your raincoat up. Heeseung had lent you his jacket, and you tucked it under your raincoat as an impromptu heat pad. Once he reached your door, you flashed him a small smile, patting his shoulder.
"Thank you,"
"Don't mention it, dude."
Just like that, you disappeared inside your villa.
For some time, he had the letter in the middle of his desk. He skimmed through each alphabet that was written out, etching the curvature and ink blotches in his head. Tears began to fall down onto the wooden frame of the table as a sweet, reassuring warmth filled his chest. It was the kind of feeling that he got whenever his mother would hide his Christmas present under his pillow. Even if he knew he wasn't too close to his dead girlfriend, he couldn't deny the childish joys he had when he would spend time with her. All the dates by the town's only amusement park, the after-school visits to the game center to have her joyful face light up when he won her a plushie at the crane game—all of it came back to him with an unstoppable force. The longer he kept reading, the more his tears seemed to flow. Slumping down on his desk, he cried until the sun came up.
Okay… so maybe he was too gullible—but he had his doubts! It was you, after all, and who knew what was going through your head.
The punch line to your so-called joke came the next day. He went over to your villa to talk about the letter, but your room was empty. Instead of the usual mess and locked windows that characterized your room, all your clutter was cleaned out and organized in neat piles. Your curtains were finally opened, revealing the beautiful scenery of a picturesque shoreline. Behind him, a voice spoke up, and he looked behind him to see your mother, carrying a tray of warm tea.
"She's…. In the hospital right now," Your mother spoke haltingly.
Your mother, apart from Heesung, had been another one of your victims. Despite all the pranks you'd pull on her, however, she would always speak mildly, doing her very best to contain her anger inside. At this rate, Heesung was highly convinced that there was absolutely nothing in the world that made your mother angry—and if there was, it had to be something alien or otherworldly. In a way, he looked up to her. There was no way anyone could survive living with you unless one had the same level of patience as your mother.
"Did her condition worsen?" He asked, worried.
"No, it's not that…." Your mother said with a sad look on her face. "It's just that nowadays, she sees to be walking around and working herself to the bone. I don't really know what she's up to, but she was up all night writing a letter—"
"She what?!"
Then, as your mother looked on in amazement, Heesung immediately scoured through your desk to find the handwritten essays that his dead girlfriend had written. On the left side of your table was a basic guide to Korean calligraphy. Ink blotches covered the wooden surface of your desk, and there was a huge pile of crumpled paper that overflowed your trash can. One thing he noticed, too, was how you seemed to have stolen a Valentine's card given to him by his dead girlfriend from his room.
Heeseung was angry.
However, as angry as he was, he was more in awe at your thought process. What made you do such a thing? You were never one to pay attention to detail, and you were much more of a reader than a writer. To excellently replicate his dead girlfriend's penmanship took an incredible amount of training and tenacity. As Heeseung took all the drafts in your trash can, unfolding them to reveal all your hard work, he really couldn't imagine what pushed you to put so much effort into something. Your room, which was usually darkened and stuffy, had finally felt free and well-lit in the summer sun. Heeseung had his eyes watching the ocean view, slowly letting his thoughts drift away. Your mother stuttered back and forth between her words.
Just then, you returned. Your father carried your flushed body behind his back, and you leaned further into his neck with jagged breaths. Heeseung tried to hold himself back, but as soon as your father had dropped you off, he shoved you with all the strength he could muster. Your mother, still stunned by everything going on, was still frozen. With a single force, you crashed into the neatly arranged pile of clothes on your bed. Your head made contact with your bed frame, and a large thud and a crash echoed across your entire room.
"Heeseung," Your father started, placing a firm grip on his shoulder. Knowing how difficult you can be, your father had tried to calm him down.
"Sorry," Heeseung whispered in response, aggressively shrugging his shoulder off from your father's grasp. His eyes had the very definition of hatred as he looked at you. With this, he can surely say that he was the most furious he'd ever been. No one had ever been rough or violent with you before, and all you could do was press your lips into a thin line, eyeing his heavy steps as he grabbed your shoulders.
"If you had all the time in the world to do all this terrible shit," He shouted, shoving the crumpled pieces of paper that replicated his dead girlfriend's handwriting. "Then just die already! Nobody on this earth needs someone as horrible as you!"
Perhaps something clicked inside of you at this moment, that if you didn't do anything right away, then you would lose him forever—which was something he was planning to do anyway. As you were lying on your bed, head still on your wooden bed frame, you looked straight into his eyes with an intense clarity, and spoke with such firmness the words that you had refused to say your entire life—even if you got tortured to death.
"I'm sorry, Heeseung."
Your parents, who couldn't do anything to stop the potential fight between you two, were too stunned to speak. However, the person that probably held the most shock was Heeseung, whose breath had stopped after hearing you apologize. The idea alone seemed so… surreal? No, it was outright unbelievable. Thus, everyone in the room stood still, bodies glued in the exact same position for what felt like hours. The only sound that destroyed the illusion of time stopping was the winds blowing through your curtains.
Just then, you started snorting. Then, you erupted into laughter, reanimating everything back to life. Time had seemed to continue running again, and the hands of your wall clock had swiftly caught up to match how much time had passed. The clear, blue skies were already beginning to bathe your room in a soft, marmalade glow.
"Oh my god, Hee, you are so dumb! Like, how are you gonna get into a university in the city with a brain like that?" You said while failing to contain the string of laughter that exploded out of your lungs. "I mean—what the hell were you thinking? If you can't even use common sense to find out that the dead never come back, then how the hell are you gonna survive in the real world? Talk about stupid, ha-ha!"
For a while, you were rolling on your bedsheets, messing up the effort that your mom had probably put into cleaning your room. You held your stomach tightly, as if you had been holding your laughter the entire time. Then, as infectious as you were, he began laughing too.
"I really hate you, you know?" He said, face turning red, not out of anger anymore, but embarrassment instead. You smiled again, getting up to give Heeseung a firm pat on his shoulder. Under the afternoon sun, he could see the damage that you had endured with his push—a bright, red mark that spread across your forehead, with some parts already turning purple. Once your parents had unfrozen themselves from the suddenness of it all, the two of you had talked to them about your elaborate prank, watching them dive into a deeper state of shock as he laughed everything off with you.
He didn't know if it was for better or for worse, but that's how he ended up being such close friends with you.
Early in the spring, Heesung had graduated high school along with you, and he had passed the CSAT exams with outstanding marks. As such, his applications to his desired universities in Seoul were accepted. For extra measure, he had already taken the entrance exams required for Seoul National University and Yonsei University. His brother agreed to help him move to the city, and he was making calls back and forth between taking tests, packing his things, and finally going to Seoul. In this period of time, Heesung was very sensitive to the ringing of his phone.
Of course, you would be one of the callers, ringing him up several times a day “just to say hello” or “if you needed to talk about how bad you did on the exams.” You knew that these conversations often got on his nerves, but you continued to pester him anyway. This was the period of joy in his life—the thrill of starting something new. There was a brilliant, bubbly sense of anticipation that followed him wherever he went, pushing him away from his grieving period to work towards a new future.
It wasn’t to say that he didn’t enjoy living by the sea, but it was simply him managing to keep his stagnant suffering down to a minimum. Every now and then, he would often phone his brother to complain about how he was tired of the countryside—but to his parents, the complaints never sounded ungrateful. It was justified given his adolescent stage, and especially for people like him who have never tasted the true depths of the metropolis.
Now that the spring was finally here, the decision for him to leave had been final. All the things he was too used to seeing suddenly hit harder, forming a repetitively hazy documentary inside his head. The mountain ranges that turned bright green in the summer, the smell of salt that overwhelmed his nose wherever he went, the little crabs that danced on rocky surfaces by the shore, your family’s villa which was bathing in the spring sun—all of it barraged his head at once, making it harder for him to process the fact that he was most likely never going to see all this again.
Towards the end of his high school life, Heeseung had begun taking walks to the beach every morning before going to school. Sometimes, he would help walk his neighbor’s Pomeranian named Sean. Like his family, the Chois next door was also in this small, seaside town for work-related reasons. Although their son was back in the city for university, the patriarch of the household had remained to continue spinning romance novels that were fairly popular. Early mornings when the sky was clear, Mr. Choi would always greet Heeseung with a smile, then give out Sean’s leash with a few tissues and sanitary equipment. In his hour-long walks with Sean, the ocean seemed to shine with an otherworldly brilliance. There was just something about the way the shimmering waves kept crashing onto the sand, rising up, rolling, and then turning into nothingness. Sean would sometimes dash around the beach, stopping here and there to bother the early fishers. Even if Sean was playful, he was a smart dog, so he always knew when to come back to Heeseung.
He can’t remember the exact moment you started joining him in his walks with Sean, but the extra company made him really happy.
You would always join them whenever it didn’t rain. At first, Sean would be grumpy whenever he saw you—even if you were on your best behavior. As such, the initial walks with you were laced in a rather tense, gloomy atmosphere that made it hard to breathe. Although it took a bit of time, Sean eventually warmed up to you to the point where you were able to hold the leash. Heeseung would watch the two of you play around in the vast stretches of sand, while you cursed and complained to the dog who couldn’t understand a single word you said to him.
“Slow down, you fucking dog!” You would often exclaim. Even if you looked angry on the surface, he could tell you were having the time of your life. Just then, he started to see how adorable you could be, and he would smile to himself while watching you dip your feet on the waters with Sean. Maybe you really wanted to be friends with the dog, after all, he thought, feeling proud about his role in having the two of you get along. Of course, if Sean started running too quickly or too far, you would call for Heeseung to chase him down since you were too weak to run after him.
The amount of exercise that these walks provided seemed to be just the right amount for you—although, in response to you tagging along, Heeseung had to cut the length of his walks in half. He was worried that going all the way to the pier and the docks would be too far for you, but your complexion brightened up, so he allowed himself to extend the distance back to what it used to be.
In one particular walk during a gorgeous, sunny day, the two of you had decided to take Sean even further down the docks—right by the lighthouse that guarded nightly ships against a doomed fate of endless darkness. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky, and the color of the ocean was so vibrant that Heeseung found himself constantly blinking to see if the ocean could truly look so magnificent. He helped you and Sean cross the bridge that led to the lighthouse, and once the tall, off-white building was right above you, he let go of Sean’s leash. In an instant, Sean had circled around the bottom of the lighthouse, enviously watching you two climb as far as your stamina could. After a few barks and you giving Sean your middle finger, he wandered off into the sea. From the stairwell of the lighthouse, Sean was a mere dot that waddled by the sandy shores.
You had your face turned to the ocean, cheeks bright from all the exercise you had to do. He looked at the ocean too, nothing how your eyes glimmered in the reflection of the sunrise. For some reason, when two people would sit together to stare at the ocean, there was always a comfortable silence that engulfed the entire atmosphere. Without a single care in the world, all there was to do in a situation like this was to stare at the ocean in silence. Speaking a single word would just destroy the atmosphere, and the waves were usually enough in terms of sound. No matter how long it might feel, he never got tired of watching the waves bump by the sand.
Perhaps it was because he was moving soon, but he came to realize that he was going to live in a place with no ocean. He couldn’t believe it, and the process of registering the fact seemed too strange to the point where he’d feel an immense unease just by thinking about it. Since the ocean was there his whole life, in both the good and bad times he went through, all he had to do was turn his head to see it there, shimmering in the sun as always. On his first dates, first kiss, and first memories with friends and families—all of it was surrounded by the calm, yet crashing waves of the ocean, as if it was teaching him a lesson or two throughout all the “firsts” in his life. Maybe this was the reason why Heeseung wasn’t particularly too aware of the ocean’s existence, because it has always been a part of him for so long.
“I really don’t think I can live without the sea,” Heesung suddenly muttered without thinking. “I’m too used to it.”
Amidst his complaints about the seaside town and his desires to leave, he realized with increasing clarity that he was extremely nervous. With every moment that passed, the sun’s beams grew whiter and stronger, piercing through his eyes intensely. As the sleepy town began to wake up, the two of you began to hear the distant sound of cars, bicycles, chatter, and everything that wouldn’t be a part of his everyday life anymore.
“I guess the city can never fix how much of a dumbass you are,” You snapped. There was an achingly furious tremble in your voice, and you kept your face towards the water. “Life just works like that—you win some, you lose some. You’re finally going to go to a really good school with your brother, right? You’re gonna get a good education, meet some new people, become famous or whatever, so what more could you want? What’s an ocean compared to all the things you’re gonna achieve in your life, Hee? God, you’re hopeless.”
Instead of lashing out at you or joining you in your blunt, aggressive banter, he nodded at every word you said, hoping that the confusion in his head would die down. Your response had been so honest and transparent that to this day, whenever he would remember your words that morning, he would start shaking up so much that it would never cease to blow him away. As he continued to think about what you’ve said throughout the years, he slowly started to question every second he’s spent with you. Deep down, were you also “winning some” and “losing some,” keeping those moments to yourself instead of showing it like everybody else? You had always seemed to sure of yourself—so independent and strong—that he could never imagine you feeling the same way he did before he left. All of a sudden, he felt as if you had come into full focus, seeing you with a sharp clarity—a strange, overwhelming loneliness.
Were you always this lonely? Did you try to hide this from all of us?
It was also around this time that he realized that he might be falling in love with you. All his life, he’s seen you as the nasty, childhood friend who was always bedridden. To him, you weren’t a human, but rather, a devil in disguise who lived for the sake of messing around with people. Perhaps there was a certain philosophy to it—you were mean to others because you needed their despair and suffering as some sort of life force to keep yourself alive. However, under the dim glow of the sunrise, you were now a beautiful, fragile girl that blended perfectly well with the scenery behind you. When your hair flowed with the breeze, it looked like brushes that painted the ocean and the horizon. The curls of your lashes also shone and blinked in slow, graceful cycles, pulling him closer into a trance-like state.
Were you always this beautiful?
Just then, he felt his breath hitch, and your face was right in front of him. With the same, wide grin that you always gave him whenever you were ecstatic over a prank or a good joke, you held his face in your palms and scrunched your nose together. You then crashed your forehead into his, yelling, “you’re it!” as you did your best to run back to Sean without exhausting too much of your energy. He followed after regaining his composure, feeling the spot where your forehead had hit him. He then grazed his hand to his cheek, feeling the hauntingly cold, yet warm touches of your fingertips. In the distance, as you danced around with Sean on the shores, he tried to make sense of your paranormal transparency in the morning sky.
Now that he was so far away from you, he finally understood you. You did everything in your power to maintain such a nasty front to everyone you cared about as a barrier so nobody could start to understand you. In a sense, he started to see how unfair it was that he gets to meet anyone, go anywhere in the world, while you remain stuck in the little town. Usually, in scenarios like this, it was him who was supposed to start anew and forget the memories of his past—of course, that included you. However, he felt that it was the other way around, where you began slowly forgetting him for the simple reason that you never look back to the past. For you, there was no past to reminisce or a future to look forward to—there was only today.
Just then, the telephone had suddenly rang, and Heeseung immediately picked it up to hear a weaker version of you on the other end of the line.
“Hey, it’s me.”
Just then, the lights to his apartment turned into the four walls of his bedroom back in the seaside town. The scent of salt came back to fill his nostrils, and he could see you with Sean in your usual nightgown, running around the sand and kicking what you could with all your might. He hasn’t counted how long he had last seen you, but the thought of being able to hear your voice again suddenly sprang him into action.
“Oh my god,” Heeseung replied, failing to contain the burst of joy within him. “I can’t believe it! Are you okay?”
“I guess I’d say I’m alright, now that I know you haven’t changed one bit, dumbass.” You spat jokingly. “Have you been keeping up with your studies well? Or are you gonna drop out?”
Your laughter had reminded him of all the times the two of you were just close friends, shrinking your faraway distance into nothing. Even if your voice did have a little bit of static due to the poor signal, he could still hear you perfectly well, as if he had memorized the pitch and timbre of your tone.
“How’s your brother? Is he keeping shit in his pants? You know, he was pretty wild in his high school days. He even tried to make a pass on me! Me! A poor, sick little girl!”
“Honestly, he’s doing fine. He’s been with the same girl for almost three years now,” Heeseung replied, allowing himself to laugh like he used to again.
Even if Heeseung had fallen in love with the bustling city life, there were those tiny moments in his life where he would find himself desperately longing for the ocean. He would try to go to a nearby river, but it just wasn’t the same. Sometimes, when the winds would change in Seoul, he found himself naturally searching for the briny, familiar scent of sea salt and sand. The scent would remain on his nostrils for a few seconds, and then, the sweet, swirling fragrance that you exuded would come to view. Suddenly, his whole body would be on the verge of tears that he had to rush home to prevent himself from crying in public. Ironically, he would have these episodes of homesickness during the brightest, sunniest days when he’s carrying his schoolbag to campus or when he’d go to his part-time job at the local music shop.
Perhaps this was what “nostalgia” was—a very painful, yet addictively sweet yearning that will one day fade away. He was currently going through such a phase right now, listening to you complain about his brother’s promiscuity without paying mind to your own episodes of playful flirting. He could hear you burst into another bout of laughter, and at some point, the phone made a loud thud with the wooden floorboards that he could now feel on his bare feet. Even with the gift of technology, you never seemed to send him photos of the villa, the ocean view outside of your window, or even yourself, while Heeseung had documented his life in pictures he’d send to you. All you would do is call and text him—which was usually just enough for him to start seeing images of his past form into a fast-paced movie montage.
“Not sure if your parents called yet, but I just wanted to pass the news that we’re closing the villa.”
Startled, Heeseung couldn’t say a single word. He held the phone tightly to his ear, closing his eyes to remember as much as he could from his childhood. Images of the town and the inside of the inn flashed through his mind with each blink. Then, as he heard your voice, he saw you lying in your bed, rolling around while keeping the phone between your cheek and shoulder. The strength in his body slowly began draining away. He knew that at some point, the villa and the entire town would succumb to the cold cogs of gentrification, but he didn’t think it would happen so soon.
“Anyway, I have to go, but my mom’s kinda been really annoying about having you spend your summer here. You’re not much of a social butterfly either, so why not come here instead of holing yourself inside your room?”
In an instant, Heeseung had said yes and ended the call. Now, the bus that would take him to the only pier that had boats to your town had arrived, looking just as it was during his childhood—decrepit, janky, and somewhat retro. Sure, this was a bus he used to ride all the time when he was living in the town, but for some reason, he always felt like he had come from somewhere else, and that one day, he would leave this bus stop and harbor behind.
By the time Heeseung had arrived, it was already late in the afternoon. On the boat to the town, the waves sparkled so brightly that they blinded him. The distant, well-loved beach that he had called home inched closer and closer like a mirage. A high-pitched whistle was blown, and an ancient speaker had boomed with a rustic voice announcing his hometown’s name. Earlier, he had been nervously ecstatic and hyper about spending the summer back at home that he couldn’t sit still—but now, once he managed to see the spots of buildings in the mountain ranges of the island, he was suddenly overwhelmed with a dull tiredness owing to a lack of sleep.
As the harbor came closer, he caught a glimpse of you leaning underneath a large arch that had the words welcome written on it. You were scrolling through your phone, and looked up in curiosity as the boat docked. Waves of passengers began pouring out of the cabin, and Heeseung stood there until he was the last one on board. Gathering his luggage, he then disembarked to join the crowd of people that had dispersed into their own warm welcomes.
You marched right in front of him with a scowl on your face.
“You’re late.” You spat, pulling your straw hat down so it won’t fall off your head. Heeseung chuckled in response, looking out at the view in front of him. The boat that was currently being anchored by several of the crew had blocked off the main island, but he could still see the route he took to get back home. As difficult as it was for him to process his return to his hometown, it was also equally as hard for him to label himself as an official visitor instead of a local.
“Glad to see that you haven’t changed a single bit,” Heeseung said, tucking your straw hat under your hair in a way that prevents it from falling off again. You rolled your eyes and gently held his wrist, bringing it down to his sides as you attempted to fix your hat yourself.
“Do you know how long I’ve waited out there in the sun?” You asked, keeping your lips pressed into a thin line. “I was about to shrivel up like a raisin!”
Heeseung didn’t say anything. He simply kept quiet, letting your hands grab his arm past the crowd of people around the harbor. To him, this type of welcome was more than enough, with just the right hilarity to keep him awake for the entire day.
Your inn had always been where it was, standing perfectly still with a little bit of damages and cracks here and there. Everything was the exact same as it was since he’s left, and he had to pinch himself several times to see if he was dreaming or not. However, the moment he saw Sean wagging his tail towards you, with you calling him an “ugly thing,” he realized that all of this was real.
Sean started barking around, and he darted towards Heeseung, jumping up and down to reach him.
“Wanna go for a walk, little buddy?” He asked, rolling Sean over to rub his belly. Sean barked in response, as if the dog had understood the question.
“Don’t you have to say hi to your family?” You asked out of the blue, keeping your arms crossed.
As he craned his neck backward, he saw his family come out of his childhood home—which still looked just as it was before he left. There were a few renovations here and there, such as the installment of a fence by the garden or a little patio with fairy lights outside your foyer for his parents to share romantic dinner by the sea. Other than that, the architecture and lack of refurbishment remained the same as ever, giving Heeseung a comforting reassurance that at least, for the most part, his house would stay intact.
“Sean looks like he really wants to walk,”
“But I just took him on a walk this morning!” You exclaimed, coming close to throwing another one of your trademark tantrums. Sean continued to run around in circles, chasing after you and his tail. He gave his parents a quick wave from a distance, to which they replied with a subtle nod of their own. Heeseung liked this type of closeness in his family—one that didn’t require words to convey emotions. For him, seeing his parents happily in love was enough to leave them alone, while they allowed him to run with you and Sean to relive the vivid memories of his teenage years.
You had mastered the art of walking Sean, letting him lead you whenever he pleased. Sometimes, Sean would let you take the lead, following by your side as you slowed your pace down to catch your breath. Heeseung watched as you stopped in your tracks, hunching over your knees in jagged breaths. Unlike before, Sean would always manage to stop right next to you, wagging his tail as he patiently waited for you to start walking again.
He was somewhat bewildered, slowly allowing himself to move and take Sean’s leash from your hand. To think that a selfish person such as yourself would generously walk the Chois’ dog in Heeseung’s absence—it was such an unthinkable outcome that he couldn’t contain his laughter anymore. You would always make excuses about how “you didn’t have a choice” to do an act of kindness, but spending time away from you had made him realize that it was one of your many measures to push people away. All your life, you had to live with pains and problems all over your body, but you hardly ever tell anyone where you were hurting. Even when you joked or exaggerated a scratch or bruise you sustained in your fall, you never told people where it hurt. You just kept it all to yourself, letting your pain and frustrations take the form of incessant bullying and pissing people off. Then, you would go storm off to your bedroom to lie down with thick layers of blankets wrapped around you.
He found this attitude of yours rather annoying, but deep down, he had an odd admiration for it.
By the time the two of you had reached the lighthouse, dusk had begun to dye the skies in a shade of violet. The streets began to take a deep blue hue, accompanied by the heavy heat of the summer season. Below the lighthouse and past the bridge, he could see children lighting fireworks in the sky. Upon your request, the two of you had slowly climbed down the lighthouse, with Heeseung holding your hand to keep your balance. This time, Sean was finally able to climb up, and he quickly trotted down each step, waiting at the base of the lighthouse with the same vigor in his tail.
“Did you go all the way to the lighthouse?” Heeseung asked, watching Sean dash off to the sea as soon as the two of you arrived back to the base of the bridge. He looked behind him and saw the old lighthouse standing tall amidst the looming night. The breeze felt good around the area since it was slightly elevated, and here, the glow of the sunset and the moon shone through the vast ripples of the sea, flowing off into the distance with the waves.
“Nope, we just went around the beach,” You replied, watching Sean while sitting on top of a huge, concrete block that lined the edge of the shore. He followed suit, taking the spot right next to you. The fabrics of his shirt had slightly brushed your bare shoulder, and you jolted up in shock, only to hit him on his upper arm for startling you. Sean kept running off until the two of you couldn’t see him anymore. Then, as quickly as he went, he came back with a terrified, worried expression on his face while barking at you. In a seemingly natural response, you fought through your fatigue and stood up, stretching slightly before carrying him on your lap to give him a soft pat or a smack on the head.
“Do you go on walks every morning like we used to?”
“I don’t really have a choice. This thing won’t shut up unless I get my ass off my bed and take him out on a walk!” You said with a wide grin, jutting your chin at the ball of fur on your lap.
“This is your fault, you know? Making him get used to all these walks and shit,”
“How’s your health handling it?” He asked with visible worry. You heaved a sigh and gave him your usual scowl, furrowing your brows so deep into your lids that you practically had them closed.
“Well, what do you think when poor, sickly old me has to take him all the way to the lighthouse every morning?”
“I’m really sorry,” Heeseung muttered, looking down at his feet. Unlike you, he wore sneakers on his way to the town, so he wasn’t able to take them off and run after Sean whenever he went too far.
“I guess exercise is good every once in a while, and these walks did make me somewhat stronger than I used to be!” You replied, showing him your non-existent muscles by flexing your arms. You teased him by patting your left bicep, constantly asking him to touch it. Although hesitant, he eventually gave in, giving you overbearing compliments on your lack of muscle definition. Then, you suddenly tapped your fingertips around his arms, poking at each protruding vein with your cold touch. He tried his best not to shiver at the sudden content, and continued to keep his eyes to his soled feet.
“So the city does change you, huh?” You exclaimed while continuing your impromptu examination of his limbs. “You used to be a little beansprout, and now, you’re like, a D-tier bodybuilder,”
“Well, apparently, lifting heavy boxes of vinyl records and going to the gym can’t beat walking Sean every morning,” Heeseung teased.
“So, what’s the new addition to your superior collection?” You joked back, resting your chin on your shoulder while scrunching your nose. Heeseung tilted his head in your direction, eyes staring above your head to the scenery of the entire town being dyed in streaks of violet. The sky currently had a vibrant, pinkish touch to it, making Heeseung blink over and over again to snap him out of entering a dreamlike reverie.
“Well, there’s this shoegaze band called Illoylo and Dasutt that I started getting into, and of course, for R&B, there’s Colde, who used to be a part of a duo called Offonoff.”
You nodded your head to every single recommendation he gave you, and a terrible ache came down his chest, tightening his ribs until he couldn’t breathe anymore.
One of the things that Heeseung used to do with you when you were children was to barge into your father’s room to listen to the endless shelves of records he had. When the two of you were older, you learned how to tape records of albums that were rare or limited in quantity. Even when technology started getting better, Heeseung always loved the sound of an analog record player, listening to the scratches and hisses it produced before playing a song in full, antique quality. You would usually be there, kicking piles of records down as a child. When you were a little older, you would usually take the colorful markers in your pencil case to draw random doodles on each album cover you found, often resulting in your father doing his best to restrain himself from entering a state of fury. Although you weren’t allowed inside the record room anymore, he often had Heeseung over, allowing the boy to learn about the wonderful world of music.
Later in your life, perhaps around middle school, you began to hum melodies from your father’s vast collection to yourself. Every time he rode the car with you, or whenever he would accompany you to the nurse’s office, he would always hear the sweet melodies of your low hums, remembering the warmth of the sun that seeped through the curtains of the wide, empty office.
Now, you were hugging your knees to your chest, leaning your head on your arms. A sweet doo-wop tune had escaped your lips, rendering him in a trance that took him back to his teenage years. He had never asked you about the song or where you found it, and to this day, he still tried to look for the title and the performer in his part-time job. It’s not that he was afraid to as you, but rather, he feared that you would tease him and never tell him —just the way you always were whenever he sought your help. The tune was stuck in his head since he left the town, and he joined you in humming alone to the unknown tune.
Sean was right beside you, wagging his tail while watching the crashing waves come and go. For him to have managed to stay this well-behaved without him came as a shock. Seeing how comfortable Sean has gotten with you really moved him, and he stood up to sit next to the dog, scratching the fluffy beard under his chin.
“So you’re saying that Sean’s your friend now, right?” Heeseung suddenly asked. You turned your head to face him and furrowed your brows, giving him your classic glare.
“I don’t know if friend is the right word. It kind of feels like an arranged marriage, where somehow, I end up with a beast of a husband that I have absolutely no control of.”
Heeseung tried to contain his laughter, watching the sunset bathe your skin in a violet glow. The sound of crackling fireworks echoed in the distance, and he wasn’t sure if the golden sparkles came from your eyes or the children in the background living their lives to the fullest.
“You know, if Sean understood what you just said, he’d feel kinda hurt,”
“He better! Me being all buddy-buddy with this thing just absolutely makes me wanna vomit.” You sharply replied, using your hand to point to Sean. Heeseung was also surprised that you didn’t use your index finger anymore to point to people—instead, you tightened your palm, slightly curving it in the direction you were referring to. Rather than giving you a response, he had stayed quiet, giving you another string of chuckles that escaped his lungs.
“Oh, come on! Give me a break, Hee! We’ve known each other for so long, and yet you still don’t understand me!” You said, placing light, weak hits on his arm.
“No, don’t worry, I do get you in a way. I’m just messing with you,” Heeseung replied. “But now, I also know that you don’t hate Sean as much as you used to,”
You didn’t give him a reply. Pursing your lips, a smooth, honey-like whistle had beautifully resonated in a crescendo, carrying the breeze to the depths of the ocean. Sean had woken up from his nap, rushing towards you to sit on your lap. When you were quiet, you seemed like what you truly were to him—a beautiful woman that he’s known for too long. However, after a while, you’d make a puckered, disgusted face as if you had just eaten a lemon whole, and he’d see you as the devilish child that you were many, many years ago.
“I mean, I guess I do like him. Yeah, I like Sean,”
The sudden confession had made Heeseung jerk his head in your direction. Spending some time apart from you would definitely yield a few changes here and there, and there was a translucent, magnetic grin on your face as you patted Sean’s head. It reminded him of all the smiles you gave the boys you took on your walks to the beach in middle school—the same, sad, longing smile that always managed to tighten his chest and make him cry.
The dusk surrounding the two of you had grown into a massive pile of colors that toppled each other in the gradient of the sky, and the entire sea seemed to hover in space, deeply blurred in a murky haze. Every so often, a wave would hit the rocky terrain that lined the lighthouse, dancing in circles before going back down to the dark sea. As Heeseung looked up amidst his tear-stained eyes, he saw the first start that glittered as bright as the fireworks beneath the children’s little palms.
“God, Hee, you’re still such a crybaby, huh?” You suddenly spoke, inching closer. He could feel his shaky breath dance in circles underneath your palm, and you gently took your thumbs to his eyes to wipe each tear away, flicking them back in the ocean.
“I-I just…”
“Even when you complained that much about how you hated it here, you still missed this place, do you?” You said, taking his face in your palms. As you scrunched your nose, you took your forehead right next to his, staring deep into his eyes as if you were looking for something. It was evident in the solemn glimmer of your irises that since he’s last seen you, things began to pile up inside of you—things that, in your own way, you really wanted to get off your chest. However, he didn’t need you to talk about it, for your gaze was enough for him to feel your emotions to heart. Ever since the incident with his dead girlfriend, he was the only person in the small, seaside town who truly understood you, and even when the things you wanted to say had absolutely nothing to do with him, he still got your message.
Heeseung felt the tip of your nose graze his, and before his hands had found their way to the nape of your neck, you quickly let go and stretch your limbs.
“It’s pretty cold now, huh? Wanna head back?”
“That’s because you decided to wear a dress without bringing a jacket,”
Taking Sean’s leash, your visible shivers had also resonated with him on a cellular level, making him feel the summer chills tenfold. The two of you had started walking back to your villa, side by side with Sean, who kept chasing after a tiny crab or two, then stopping to wait. By now, the nigh had immensely deepened, quickly plunging down upon your hunched figures. Sean started running faster, dragging you along with him. He seemed to want to go back to his owner for dinner.
Along the hidden dirt path that led to a shortcut to your backyard, the shadows of summer had lay hidden. You let go of Sean’s leash, and he barked to say goodbye, trotting along the hole in your backyard’s fence to go back to the Chois. There was something sweet about the night air and the energy that surrounded the two of you, something that seemed to infuse the evening with an excitingly addictive vigor. The familiar scent of your cologne had filled the air, and you jerked his hand to bring him to the villa for a large feast hosted by your families.
Soaking up the gentle breeze, somewhat tired from his travels, he let himself savor the enticing happiness that came with the touch of your fingertips.
Summer was here, and it had already begun.
Before he knew it, two weeks had already passed since his time at his hometown. The beginning of summer always carried with it a cloud of endless rain, so walks with Sean were paused for the time being. Heeseung had helped around in the villa, packing some stuff into storage boxes while entertaining the last guests of your seaside vacation spot. For the first week, you had come down with a high fever. Bearing the guilt of exhausting you, Heeseung had also split his time between errands and relaxation to nurse you back to health. You would also be beneath heaps of blankets and duvets, listening to the sound of the waves whenever he would come in to open your windows. When you were children, you would often protest and hit his head with whatever your hands could hold, shrieking until he would give in and close the windows shut. Now, you simply stood beneath your soft fortress, longingly staring at the sea with a blank stare. Sometimes, Heeseung would have to tap your shoulders to feed you a warm bowl of rice porridge or to notify you of the medicine you had to take. Then, you would resort to your usual self, waving him off to do everything on your own.
Most of his days were spent catching up with his parents, telling him of his life in the city with his brother. After eating breakfast or lunch with them, he would then take his old, worn-out bicycle to the city’s marketplace, greeting his old high school friends and classmates on the way. On his way back, he would buy some fish and vegetables to bring back to both his and your families, aiding in preparation for dinner. Since he was mostly spending his time in the villa, his parents had talked him into borrowing a guest room to stay over instead of rushing back and forth between the neighborhood. When he brought this up with you, he got an indifferent shrug and a slow march back to your room by the balcony. Taking this as a sign of approval, he asked your mother if he could occupy your father’s old record room.
“Wouldn’t you want to stay in a place that’s… a little more comfortable?” Your mother asked, folding a couple of bed sheets and pillowcases in the laundry room. Heeseung shook his head in response, taking a laundry basket from one of the piles by the washing machines.
“I can just dust off the place and vacuum it—of course, if you and your husband wouldn’t mind,”
“You’ve always loved that place, don’t you?” Your mother gave him a happy chuckle, keeping her eyes on the task. “I’ll ask him if he’s okay with it, but for now, you have my approval, so you’re good to go,”
With a nod, your mother had quickly trotted off to attend to other things that the villa required. Since your father had decided to close down the villa for reasons Heeseung didn’t know or ask about, there had been an extreme shortage of staff. It wasn’t to say your family had gone bankrupt, since the villa itself looked well-kept. When he asked his parents, they both gave him a casual shrug, returning to their tasks of reading the newspaper or cleaning around the house. He had a hunch that there had to be a reason for the villa’s sudden disappearance, but perhaps things like this didn’t really need an explanation in the first place. When his girlfriend from high school had suddenly died, Heeseung tried his best to answer the question of why. Why did she die? Why did she have to die?
Why?
The more he questioned it, the more he couldn’t wrap his head around the question. The answer was always going to be a mystery to him until he himself had succumbed to the lullabies of death. Some things simply didn’t need an explanation, especially when they were too abstract to describe.
You had slowly recovered from your feverish episodes, but you were still too weak to go outside. In a sense, he was so used to seeing you so sickly that a wave of nostalgia had hit his heartstrings. Eventually, your father had approved of Heeseung’s decision to spend his entire summer vacation in your villa. With his parents assisting with cleaning and clearing up all the rooms, Heeseung had more free time to become somewhat of a caretaker to you. In the mornings, he would softly wake you up to go on short walks with Sean, and then he’d cook up some porridge or a light meal that you could easily eat after your little exercise with him and Sean. Then, he would leave you alone while sorting out your father’s records or helping your mother with the laundry. In the night, he would take your temperature and fill out your daily health checks, which he would then send to your doctor. After eating dinner and engaging in idle chitchat with you, he would call it a night and go back to the record room, preparing a futon while playing an album at the lowest possible volume.
Every so often, Heeseung would have one of those bizarre nights. It was the type of night where space had seemed to shift a little bit out of line, and he’d feel as if he’s on the verge of seeing everything from a third-person perspective. He would lie there in his futon, tossing and turning while listening to the low hums of the jazz guitar or the sultry voice of a femme fatale. The rays of the moonlight that seeped through the curtains dominated the pitch-black night, sometimes blinding him into staying awake.
Sometimes, there was a certain telepathy between the two of you that seemed to take place. Ever since he’d arrived, he thought of paying his respects to his dead girlfriend, who had probably awaited his visit since she passed away. Even if he seemed somewhat hesitant to enter the graveyard, it was as if you had read his mind throughout his entire stay in the town, answering his timid desires to gain enough courage to visit the graveyard. Every so often in the night, he can hear your voice inside his head, telling him to get up and go to the mountains to the grave. When he was in the city, his dreams felt connected to yours. Say, he would drop a ball from the second floor. Deep inside, he knew you were always on the first floor, ready to catch it. Two people living in the same dream, sharing the same space, at the same time—all of this would take place in a single night or a quick daydream, and the feeling would only last until he wakes up. Even then, some of these trances would feel eternal, glittering in the distance like a precious gem.
So, when you had suddenly decided to visit one of the mountain ranges that housed rows of graveyards next to each other, he had to blink his eyes several times. Usually, the two of you would go on walks with Sean every morning, but he had forced you to cut the distance due to the frailty of your body. The graveyards and mountain ranges were twice as far as the route to the lighthouse, and he had initially refused.
“Why would you wanna go there?” He asked, now holding Sean’s leash. You took your straw hat up, revealing your bright, doe eyes that glimmered in the summer sun.
“Because,” You started, giving him a small smile. “I wanna see where I’m gonna get buried.”
“Isn’t it a little too soon?” He asked. Eventually, he gave in to your request. Perhaps it was finally time for him to visit his dead high school girlfriend, and your honest answer had taken him aback, striking something within him. Sean started to whine as the two of you had approached the main gate of one of the cemeteries. Instead of taking him inside, you tied his leash on one of the rustic poles in the fences, muttering soft hushes and sweet nothings to the dog that was scared out of his wits.
Graveyards were a place he only visited during funerals. Whenever someone in his family died, he was either too young to know what a headstone was or too innocent to understand what his grandfather meant when he said his wife was “sleeping in peace” within the comforts of a tiny urn. Death was rare in Heeseung’s family, so he didn’t have the chance to visit the family grave. He had visited the tombstone of his dead girlfriend once, but that was during her funeral. Since then, he had tried to avoid graveyards and cemeteries, only bringing himself to go to one if he was forced to. It wasn’t to say that he was afraid of ghosts and spirits, but rather, he was afraid of being pulled into the dark abyss of the cemetery, spending eternity grieving for those he lost when he was young.
Right now, he felt it in the energy around you. Leaving Sean behind with a quick kiss and a pat, you nodded your head in the direction of the grave, pushing your straw hat in place while Heeseung had followed behind. It has always been like this in his memories, where the outline of your back would always obscure what was in front of him. Whenever Heeseung would slow down, you would always snap your head in his direction, whining for him to hurry up. He didn’t think that a graveyard would have such breathtaking scenery, but in a way, it served as a reminder for him to view all parts of life with equal beauty.
“Here’s your man or whatever,” You suddenly spoke, stopping at a headstone that had his dead high school girlfriend’s family name on it.
“I would’ve brought flowers if you had told me,” Heeseung replied. You craned your head back to him, quickly jogging inside the temple without a single word. Your straw hat was blown away by a strong gust of wind, and he caught it before it flew off into the deep depths of the nearby forest. Upon your return, you had carried a bouquet and a water bucket with a ladle that people often used to clean graves. Now that Heeseung had thought about it, the grave of his dead high school girlfriend had been collecting dust to the point where the characters of her family name had been obscured and muddled. Heeseung had quickly taken the heavy bucket of water off your hands, while you placed the bouquet on top of her grave. Then, you took out Heeseung’s Valentine’s Card that you kept since your despicable prank, laying it down on the surface of the dull, obsidian headstone.
“I wasn’t lying to you when I said I can talk to the dead.” You said, taking your palms together and closing your eyes. “These days, I keep hearing voices of the people that had died in my life—that teenage girlfriend of yours, my goddamn grandma, hell, even my uncle who had passed when I was a kid!”
There was always something so enchanting in the way you spoke, no matter how absurd a story might sound. Heeseung had learned from his mistakes of being too gullible, but he had known you long enough to discern between the moments where you were joking and where you meant every word you said.
“All of these people won’t stop talking to me, and sometimes, I think I’ve gone mad, you know?” You continued, kneeling on the gravestone and giving it a gentle pat. With the blink of an eye, he saw his high school girlfriend in her school uniform, perched timidly on the edge of her headstone. You were repeating the same rhythm of soft pats on her head, and she looked in his direction with a tender smile on his face, as if to tell him this girl had been taking care of me, and now, I’m not too lonely anymore.
You then picked up the Valentine’s card and read every word allowed, turning Heeseung into a bright shade of red.
“Well, if you want me to stop reading, then get your ass over here with that bucket to help me clean this damn thing!”
The two of you had spent about an hour cleaning his former girlfriend’s tombstone. Although he found it rare that none of her family members were in sight when she had died, he also found it strange how you—who had nothing to do with her—showed up in her funeral. It was the first time he had seen you with such an openly solemn look on your face. You, who had once called funerals a stupid, attention-seeking occasion, had brought a single Madonna lily and placed it on top of her coffin, eyes brittle to the point of breaking under the fluorescent lights of the temple’s hallways. The two of you shared the same classes, but he had never seen you interact with her before. So, when you suddenly revealed that she had often helped you out with your absence in school and your visits to the nurse’s office, he was overwhelmed in pure shock. Not only was it a coincidence, but it was almost as if destiny had pulled all the strings necessary for everything to perfectly align itself in one place.
Heeseung had tried to keep his eyes on you, making sure you didn’t exert too much energy to the point of collapse. You had earnestly scrubbed the gravestone’s surface with all your might until it was just the way it was before he left. Admiring your hard work, you placed your dirty hands on your waist with pride, adding dust particles and grey splotches to your white dress. He took the rag you held away from you, dipping it in water and some soap before squeezing the fabric in one twist. You then led him to the faucets to dump the water, paying your respects to the monk that was in charge of the cemetery.
“Since when were you close with that monk?” Heeseung asked, remembering a time when you were a child in a funeral, roughly rubbing the monk’s bald head with your small palms. The details were rather vague since he was too young back then, but all he could remember quite vividly was the aftermath of your rebellious act. Your father had locked you in your room, forbidding you to go out and play with Heeseung. Your tantrums were so loud that night that even he could hear your childish cries from his own bedroom.
“I don’t know, since you left, I guess?” You replied, waving one last time to the gravestone before turning back to meet Sean in the entrance. “I guess it’d be nice to make sure that those bastards won’t do anything stupid to me when I die, and the only way I can do that is to talk to them about the process and whatnot.”
“Aren’t you gonna talk to me about your dashing funeral—whatever you wanna call it?” Heeseung said, trying his best to hide the pain that lingered in his chest. It just wasn’t like you to talk so openly about your death. Sure, it was a running gag between you two where you would always proclaim yourself as “death’s number one wife,” but you had never gone into detail about the aftermath of your death. To your younger self, funeral rites were boring rituals that took up too much time.
“If I were gonna die, I’d want to be launched in space,” He remembers you saying. He forgot how old the two of you were, but the two of you were probably in third or fourth grade—old enough to understand the gravity of death, but young enough to joke about it guilt-free. At the time, you were rolling on his lap, watching a documentary on the first moon landing. You had pointed your tiny pinky to Neil Armstrong’s suit, and called that your “funeral suit,” because a beautiful black dress and some make-up were apparently too dangerous for onlookers who will be bewitched by your beauty.
The moment you returned, Sean had already broken loose from his position, dashing towards you in fear. You ruffled his head and gave him a light smack before putting him down to resume your walk back to your villa. Heeseung had offered to hold his leash again, and you gave it to him. In return, you took the straw hat that was flimsily placed on your head, pushing Heeseung’s hair down with it.
“No wonder that thing’s too big for me!” You exclaimed. “It’s probably yours!”
“Is this your way of giving me presents?”
“Nah, but it is my way of styling you, because good god, you still look awful!” You replied, taking his sleeves and rolling them to reveal his forearms. “I thought the city would make you look like those dudes on TV, but I guess I was wrong,”
“Why don’t you come to visit me in Seoul?” Heeseung had suddenly asked. Sean had stopped in his tracks to take a leak somewhere, and you prepared the water bottle you always held to make sure that you washed all of his territorial pissings away.
In an instant, Heeseung had taken his question back, apologizing profusely. You gave your usual response of cackling in his face while patting his shoulder. Not counting all the times you had to leave town to visit a larger hospital, you had grown up almost never having left the small, seaside town. As he pondered over the thought, it really began to hurt him.
“I would love to come to the city, but remember that French story about the hunchback? Yeah, I’d just feel like him while you dance around the streets like Esmeralda or something,” You sheepishly chuckled, taking his palm to play with his fingers.
“So I’m not Phoebus?”
“In your dreams, Hee!”
On bright, sunny afternoons like this, when the air is so clear, people end up saying things that one normally wouldn’t. It was almost as if the transparency of the atmosphere had removed all the barriers and walls that humans built for themselves—truly a breath of fresh air that allowed one to open up their heart and start talking about whatever came in mind. The knowledge that as long as he lived, he would always have the chance to feel these nights made it possible for him to have hope for his future. Lovely afternoons such as this where the wonderful scent of the breeze, the fragrance of your cologne that wafted into his nose, and the earthen mountains weaved in together to piece the place that he where he knew he would always receive a warm welcome. Just having these moments to look forward to, just knowing that Heeseung would find himself in another afternoon like this, perhaps in another summer, was enough to make him appreciate the fact that he was alive.
Today, it had been raining since morning. The smell of salt had greeted Heeseung awake, and he quickly turned off the record player that had been left on overnight. He did his usual round of errands, but there was a tenseness in the atmosphere that he couldn’t shake off. You had been bedridden again, lying in your bed for a few days with a terrible fever and a pounding headache.
“I’ll leave this here for you, okay?” He shouted across the small gap of your room, leaving your tray of porridge and some medicine by your door. Instead of being greeted with your usual cold shoulder, he saw your duvet float up in the sky, quickly darting to fling the door open. There you were, cheeks flushed from the fever that gripped you tight, heaving heavily while trying to keep the door open.
“I can’t sleep,” You replied, continuing to pant through your mouth. “I can’t sleep at all.”
Outside the window, in a faraway distance, he could see the crystal clear ocean. The skies were currently a shade of deep grey, and the tossing waves were so jagged and wild that at some point, Heeseung believed a hurricane might appear right in the shores of his neighborhood. The vast expanse of the sky overlooked the ocean in a monotone filter, as if someone had taken a black and white shot of the world and kept it that way. On days like this, even the ever-enthusiastic Sean had remained in his doghouse, sitting forlornly at the lack of walks in the season. The few guests that your family had taken in stayed indoors, lamenting the fact that they couldn’t swim outside. It was always like this whenever it rained, and for a big villa like yours with only a few guests this season, he ended up having too much free time in his hands. The guests were most likely crowding in the common area to watch TV together or engage in awkward small talk.
The only way that Heeseung was able to pass the time was if he started to immerse himself in your father’s music collection. Ever since he was a kid, he would lock the doors and open the curtains that led to a small view of the ocean scenery, taking a record and listening to it while he slowly nodded off into sleep. The rain for him was the perfect time to get cozy beneath the blankets that your mother had prepared for him, listening to the classics while the record scratches and rainfall added a pleasing ambiance to his experience. This was what usually set him apart from you, who seemed to want the bigger side of things. Subtlety and the small things in life were stuff that ran your patience out, prompting you to either destroy books that were too long for your liking or switch records after one song. Sometimes, it didn’t even take a single song for you to change the record that Heeseung had chosen to listen to. One time, when he tried to get into the intricacies of The Poni-Tails, you had yawned and kicked your feet beneath the blanket you shared with him, whining until he picked something to your liking. Despite spending the entire day changing records, you eventually gave up and marched back inside your room, slamming the door to drown yourself in some Agatha Christie or another mystery novel that piqued your interest.
“Wanna come to my room?” He asked, correcting himself a little later.
You quickly nodded, taking your duvet and some pillows to crash into Heeseung’s futon. Pressing your face on his pillow, a low, ill moan had escaped your lips, prompting Heeseung to rush back to your room to take your medicine. For extra measure, he took a cooling pad and your thermometer back to what now became his room for the summer.
“God, it’s been so long since I’ve actually been here,” You muttered under Heeseung’s pillow. He took the space next to you and brought the porridge that was already getting cold. You slowly shook your head from side to side, keeping your head buried in the soft cushions of his pillow.
“You need to eat to take your medicine, you know?”
“Shut up.”
Your voice was getting hoarse, and he had rushed to slowly pull you out of his futon, feeling his hand through your forehead. Taking the thermometer under your arm, he waited for the beeps that signaled the future of your condition. In the silence of waiting for the thermometer to ring, you had buried yourself in his chest, making him feel the immense body heat that exuded through your skin.
He looked out of his open window, watching the curtains flail back and forth with the downpour. In towns near the sea such as his, the rain falls in a rather lonely way. Maybe it had something to do with the ocean? Or perhaps it all tied down to living on an island away from everyone else? When Heeseung had moved to Seoul, what surprised him the most was how loud the rain was. In comparison to the subtlety of the rain in the seaside, the skies would roar as each raindrop shook the ground with its loud hit.
“Did you figure out the name of the song yet?” You asked. Slowly removing yourself from his grasp, you slipped back inside your duvet and curled up in a ball. Back turned against the window, you stared at him with dull, lifeless eyes.
“What song?”
“You know, the one that goes,”
And then, you started humming the same tune that had haunted him since he left the town. Closing his eyes, he tried to remember the backing instrumental that solidified your sweet, melodic mumbles—the gentle beat of the slow drums, the harmonies of male and female voices that blended together in a haunting reverie, and the steady beat of the piano that played the same notes over and over again. It was difficult to tell since many songs of the genre had the same doo doos that synchronized with the steady clarinets or brass section that were used in the record, but nonetheless, he tried his best to remember all that he could about the mysterious song that kept the two of you connected despite your time apart.
“You know, I’ve been hearing that goddamn song every night since you left,” You said, pretending to cover your ears in annoyance. Then, the soft dum dums of a smooth, male voice sliced through the silence with the beeps of your thermometer. He took it to read the numbers out loud, as if they were lyrics to the song.
“I tried to find the title by asking my manager at the record store I work at, but he can’t seem to tell based on how I sang it,”
“Maybe it’s because you suck at singing, Hee.”
Just then, he hears the gentle pats of a tambourine, growing louder and louder as the male voice’s hums of nonsense build up with a female chorus. The snare of the drums had started to piece the song together, along with the distant sound of a guitar being plucked to match the slow tempo of the song. You kept yourself curdled in a ball, adding to the sudden music that played in the silence. Taking the cold porridge that Heeseung had left beside you, you took a spoonful and ate it alongside a few tablets you sprinkled. Then, you took a swig of water in the same rhythms of the song, placing it back on the beat and loosening the diver that formed your shape.
“Come softly, darling,” You started singing. Your pronunciation was a little off compared to the original record that he had heard long ago, but the singsong sentence was enough for him to go numb—as if you were lulling him in a spell to come closer to you.
“Come softly to me,” Heeseung had said out of the blue. To his memories, the cover of the album had a man in a sailor suit, complete with a white cap that was perched atop his head. There were two girls on each of his shoulders, sweetly leaning their heads with a bright smile as they looked into the camera. The borders of the album cover were bright blue, and he suddenly remembers how you called the man in the cover “an ugly prick.”
“I don’t get it!” A younger version of you had exclaimed. “How is a guy like this having two women in his arms! Gross!”
He had remained lost in his thoughts for a while, gazing at the vast shelves of endless records. Each of their thin, worn-out sleeves sparkled like rainbows on the wet, concrete streets. His heart was thumping with excitement at the thought of finally uncovering the mystery behind the song, and he stood up accordingly to scour through each shelf. It didn’t surprise him that he couldn’t find it that easily, but he didn’t think it would take this long to take out and put back an endless array of vinyl records. Heaving a sigh, he had no choice but to go look through the shelves that were on the deeper end, all the way at the back of the room. Coincidentally, he realized that the last stack of records was plastered right behind the wall that the record room had shared with yours.
You got up from your weary position, slowly making your way through the piles and shelves of records to reach for a record on the bottom left. As you slowly pulled it out, you dusted off the sleeve’s surface with your fingers.
“This is the one, right?” You asked.
“How did you know where to find it?” Heeseung replied with another question. “I swear I looked everywhere, but I haven’t seen that thing pop up like, ever.”
“Beats me.” You blurted with a shrug. “The tune I always hear comes from this area most of the time, so that’s probably how I found it.”
You hovered your palm around the area where you found the record. He knelt down and started removing the records that filled the space where you pointed in heaps, until he saw a large, square hole that connected the record room to yours.
“So that’s why it’s been so fucking loud,” You uttered, rolling your eyes as you stared deeply into the hole. “You’ve been playing the same thing all night, haven’t you?”
“That was not me, I swear!” Heeseung replied, overwhelmed with the oddity of it all. “The ones I play to help me sleep are in the front right there,”
You chucked with a slight hiccup, and you walked back to where your duvet was, wrapping your body within its comforts once more. Heeseung followed suit, taking the record in hand and removing its sleeve. He then placed the circular, black vinyl record on the player, hearing its comforting scratch and hisses before the first beat enactment him in a deep trance.
You had suddenly rushed out of his window, keeping the duvet wrapped on your body. With a quick nod and a wide grin, you had climbed over the windowsill, then used what strength you had to hold on to the railings. Using your duvet as a trampoline, you dropped it on the ground to make sure you had a place to land. It had hit the bed of sand with a soft thud, and Heeseung had quickly poked his head out the window to find you clinging onto the railings with a bravery he’d only seen when the two of you were children.
“What the hell are you doing?!” He screamed. As your fingers started to let go of the railings, you continued to sing the hauntingly sweet tune that came out of the record player. In an instant, Heeseung had found himself crashing onto your duvet in the sand. He had flipped your positions mid-air upon your fall, and you safely landed on his chest. The grey ocean had remained monotonously somber, revealing a thicket of fog that covered the sun. White waved continued to crash on the shore in a raging fury, only to die out and die the sands in a pitch-black blotch. The cries of the seagulls had added their own song to the soft melodies that came out of Heeseung’s window, flying Eastwards to a foreign, faraway land.
In your younger years, one of the pranks you would pull to your family and Heeseung was to disappear without a trace. This was usually in response to your dislike for the bitter syrups you had to force into your mouth, or the large pills that seemed to get stuck on your narrow, small throat. In these moments, the entire villa would go on a kind of emergency mode, letting all the staff spring into action by searching through every nook and cranny of the villa. They would search the guest house, the smoking rooms, the small garden with the patio outside, and everywhere else. They would then fling all the doors to the rooms open, scattering everything until they would find your small frame.
It was Heeseung who had always found you, right behind the rocky borders below your balcony. You would climb down using your duvet, and then you would use the same duvet as a leisure mat, sitting alone while watching the sea. This would usually take a considerable toll on your body, but despite your coughing fits, you didn’t seem to might. There was always that devilish glint in your eyes whenever Heeseung had managed to find you and take you back to your room, as if you were screaming gotcha! to everyone that did their best to look for you.
On rainy days like this, you were always out by the ocean, using your balcony as a large umbrella to keep the rain out of your skin. He hadn’t gotten around asking you why you preferred to look at the ocean when the skies were absent, but given enough time, he seemed to understand the beauty behind it all. Rainy days such as these had made your nerves activate the sense in your body, making you feel alive again. For a sickly girl like you, spending too much time on the swings or binging a late night would make you collapse. As such, it was a refuge to feel at peace with the rain and exercise your senses. Instead of having everyone do everything for you, you can color the grey-tinted air with your own imagination, feeling the weight of the world wash away with the pitter patter of the rain. In some ways, you probably empathized with the rain the most, because it had allowed others to experience what it feels like to stay locked in a room for a very long time.
“What the hell are you doing?” Heeseung asked once more, keeping a firm grip on your body. “What if you actually fell down on the ground?! You could have died!”
“Give me a break, Heeseung!” You snapped rather weakly, trying to contain the giddy laughter that had removed all traces of your high fever. “We finally found the title to that stupid song that kept bothering us! Now, we have to follow the cheesy cliches and dance at the beach so we can laugh about it later!”
Heeseung.
It had suddenly occurred to him that whenever you would call him by his name—not Hee, Sungie, or any swear word on the books—there was a remarkable clarity and delicate timbre to the way you pronounced each syllable. It was the kind of tone and pitch that made his chest flood with a bright premonition, reminding him of the difference between his father calling his mother by her name instead of “mom.” He couldn’t understand why it took so long for him to figure it all out, but perhaps some time apart was what he needed to come to terms with what he felt about you. He didn’t know if this was the natural response that came from knowing you for too long, and he also didn’t know if what he felt was real enough to process. After all, how could his heartbeat quicken when you were perhaps one of the worst people he’d ever encountered in his life? In retrospect, there was only a single explanation to how he was able to tolerate you over all these years—no, it was the reason why everyone had stuck around patiently instead of taking you straight to the hospital for a one-kill shot of euthanasia. It didn’t matter whatever terrifying joke you put all of them through, or what awful things you’d say to people because you weren’t in your best mood. Beyond your words and your demeanor, much deeper than all of that, was a light so blindingly bright and intense that it made one who looked upon it extremely sad. Even if you weren’t aware of it yourself, the light within you continued to shine, enchanting those around you.
In short,
“I like you,”
“What?”
The sighing of the rain had begun to fade away. The record player upstairs now played a different song off the album, replacing the dum dums with a string of hypnotizing ou la las that were carried with the strong winds from the rainstorm that swirled off the distance. The rhythmic pats of the piano had danced with the soft snare drum that carried the comforting, yet lonely beat of the song.
There was the usual sparkle in your eye whenever you had something in your mind. You parted your lips slightly, your grin growing wider as the whistling waves crashed down on the sand. You turned your gaze directly towards Heeseung, eyes melting in the grey, afternoon sky. The gleam in your pupils had seemed to calm the rain down to a full stop, and an idyllic summer had come back to him in total clarity. Even in the downpour, his heart had felt your blinding light wash over him like the roaring, white waves in front of you. His fingertips felt warm—too warm to the touch like the breeze of the beaches that embraced him, freeing him from all the obligations he’s had in his life. Before you could say anything back, Heeseung could already feel the tears slowly trickling down his face.
“I think—I know, that I’m in love with you.”
Amidst the tears, he had held your cheeks in his palm with a fragile tenderness. You stared deep into his eyes, giving him the same, sad look you had at the cemetery. Taking your thumb under his eye, you began wiping away the tears that kept falling down his chin. Drawing yourself closer, he felt the heat from your fever warm him up, making his body forget about the cold winds of the rain. Softly, yet ever so slowly, you allowed your lips to rest on his. He felt you achingly tremble in hesitation, as if something would go wrong if you gave in. He gently wrapped his arms around your waist, giving you enough strength to sustain your current position. Just before he could allow himself to breathe, he felt the light finally take over his vision. In a sea of your blinding, white light, all that he could make out was the outline of your lips on his, as you slowly moved through each corner in consistent, slow, yet tender kisses.
You let go of his face and gave him a sad smile, pressing your forehead on his the way you always did. Lacing each of your fingers in the crevices of his hand, you leaned into his ear and allowed his arms to wrap you tightly. With a single touch, he had already known what you wanted to say to him, and he buried his face on your shoulder, allowing the tears in his eyes to flow once more. He continued to hold you with all his devotion, as if letting go would immediately have you evaporate in the sky.
“Heeseung,” You started, saying his name with a heart-wrenching fragility. “I have a feeling this is the end for me.”
Your voice faltered in the waves of the sea. As dusk began to fall, Heeseung felt the urge to cry into your arms again.
The following day, you were hospitalized immediately. Your temperature zoomed up, your kidneys had stopped functioning properly, and your oxygen levels had plunged to the point where you had to be revived through several shocks from a defibrillator. Heeseung had remained by your side since the moment the two of you had decided to sleep together outside the rocky terrain of the sea. He knew that he should’ve immediately sent you back upstairs, but his arms wouldn’t move. The only thing that was on his mind at the moment was to hold you tight and never let go. In a sense, the feverish warmth that surrounded your body had felt too comforting to the touch. You didn’t seem to let go of him either, burying your head on his chest while giving him soft, tender kisses around his neck, cheek, and lips. Somewhere, deep in his heart, he knew that this was the only chance he had of being with you before you were to spend your days in the hospital. You seemed to know this too, and wrapped your warmth around his body until the sun rose the next morning.
As you currently lay flat in your hospital bed, eyebrows pinched tightly together, a pang of pain had made his entire body ache so hard that he began hating you for it. There were still so many memories he wanted to share with you—his last walks with Sean before he was set to leave for Seoul, going to the beach to dance with the melodies of your father’s music collection, attending the town’s summer festival together as a couple instead of how you usually spent it—there were just too much he wanted to do with you. Yet, here you were, fighting for the last breaths of your life.
It was kind of unfair, in a sense. The two of you had spent your entire childhoods and teenage years together, and yet Heeseung had only realized how deeply he had fallen for you when you were on your deathbed. Perhaps you thought the same about him too, which was why you had wandered off with other men instead of seducing the boy who lived next door. While Heeseung had counted his relationships and cherished them with time, you had gone through each one in an instant due to a lack of time. The same could be said for your mischief. Being a normal, healthy boy meant he had to obey the laws of society and behave the way everyone expected him to, while for you, a life of freedom had also meant a life of restless fear—for who knew when you were going to die?
Nothing could be done about any of this, and yet, each regret hit him with an increasing pang of despair and sadness.
Heeseung had visited you every day since he’s last seen you conscious. He would try to bring Sean with him, but because pets weren’t allowed in the hospital rooms, he would just resort to showing you pictures of him. Whenever he would softly knock on your door, you were always asleep or in so much pain that he would leave without having the courage to enter your room. For him, it was enough to look at you from the small gaps of your sliding door.
On days when you were slowly recovering, you would resort to your old, moody self. In the presence of the doctors who checked her vitals and her conditions, you would spit harsh words and yell a string of every curse word that the world had to offer. In these times, Heeseung would visit you with a box of orange juice and some of the books you used to read all the time as a teenager. Even if the two of you would crack jokes like old times, there was a lingering pain that was always present in your stares. No matter how much the two of you had wanted to hold each other desperately, there was always a point where he had to let go and say goodbye. So, you settled with words and small touches. He would share stories of how the villa is spotlessly empty now, and you would complain to him about the blandness of your food. Then, every time he left, he would always try to plant a kiss on your forehead.
“Do it when I’m better, Hee,” You would often reply softly, while doing your best to retain the fiery attitude that you were notorious for.
Before he knew it, Heeseung had a day left before returning to Seoul, and he decided to visit you once more. In all his visits, he had to gently shake you to wake you up. Now, however, the lamp on your bedside table was awake, and you were reading one of the books he had given you from your library back in the villa. Despite being sick, your skin still had the same, radiant glow on its surface, shining and sparkling under the dim lights of the hospital’s small lamp. The pensively solemn look on your face as your eyes were fixated on the words of your novel has been so still that he felt as if the person he knew you to be had vanished completely.
“Hey,” He said, peeking his head out your sliding door. Closing the book with a soft thud, you placed it on your lap and beckoned for him to come in. He excused himself and slid past the rows of IV drips and blood bags, making his way to the seat right next to your bed.
“I came to say goodbye. I’m supposed to be back by tomorrow,”
“Wow, what a terrible boyfriend, leaving his sickly girlfriend here to rot in the hospital of some small-ass town.” You replied, doing your very best to paint your words as a joke. Every bit of your voice was as dreadful as it could be, and you sounded like it took all the energy in your body to say something to him.
“If you stayed in the room instead of climbing all the way out to the beach, then you wouldn’t be in this position,” He replied with a grin.
“I guess that’s true, but how else was I gonna say what I feel without being so gross about it?”
A faint chuckle escaped your lips, and Heeseung did his best to smile through it all. Even something as simple as laughing hurt your body to the point of near collapse. He knew you didn’t like it when he would treat you like glass, but at this point, he felt like he didn’t have a choice.
“So, the doctors say you’re getting better and better every day, and that you might be released soon,”
After you dropped the weak smile on your face, there was a terrified expression in your gaze that shook him to the core. His body had stiffened in the plastic chair that he was sitting on. You took his hand placed it on your lap, beckoning for him to come closer. As you held his face in your palms, you gently pressed your forehead on his, eyes lingering for a moment before planting a soft, quick kiss on his lips.
“I’m not getting any better, to be honest,” You whispered with a seriousness that he’s never seen in you. “I’m pretty sure you get it, right?”
“How do I say this….” You continued, voice faltering as you closed your eyes to choose the right words.
“I don’t think I can go on anymore. Like, I really feel like I can’t, you know?”
He felt his tears escape his eyes again, and he tried to wipe them off with his sleeve. Using your pristine, white bedsheets, you began to raise your arm to a comfortable level, gently wiping his eyes while keeping a straight face. There were no more jokes about Heeseung being a crybaby or a wuss anymore. Now, you simply wiped his eyes and held his face in your trembling hands, showing him the deep, earnest shadows in your eyes.
“Don’t get me wrong, Heeseung, I still love you, but,” You continued, keeping your voice slow and whispered. “I just can’t seem to find an interest in living anymore. I know you know I’m serious right now when I say this, but I don’t really care about anything anymore. If it were me in a distant past, and you had confessed like, man, I would’ve been fighting for my life! I’d be trying to stay healthy so that I can live longer for you, and hell, had I known about this sooner, I would’ve behaved better so I can hopefully move to Seoul with you for university!”
Heeseung had nodded at every word you said, closing his eyes to feel the weak, low thumps of your heartbeat. In his vision, he had imagined a healthier, fully-recovered version of you frolicking in the city. With your beauty and wits, who knows who you’ll end up with outside the small, seaside town that the two of you had always shared. Perhaps this was the best outcome for him. In another life, if you had been healthy, you would be a dangerous threat to everyone around you—with your nasty attitude and your mood swings which were crafted like the buttons of a remote control, you would face all the consequences of being an unlikeable person. Being healthy would’ve also meant that he wouldn’t have been able to spend so much time with you, either nursing you back to health, being the biggest victims of your pranks, or now, being held in the cold touches of your fingertips.
“You know how I always said I was death’s number one wife? Well, I’m not too sure about marrying the grim reaper anymore,”
“Is it because of me?” Heeseung asked, trying his best to muster a joke. His vision had been blurred to the point where you were an amoeba that shifted with each blink. The dim lights of your lamp had given you the same glow you used to have—which was swiftly vanishing as your breath turned awry.
“Yes, but I’m afraid not even your dumbass can help me out of this stupid crisis,” You replied, finally letting go of his face to lie back down. He inched his seat closer, resting his head on your chest to feel your faint heartbeat.
“I try to get up and live. I try so hard to stir myself up to get on with the day, thinking, man, if I don’t do anything about this, I’ll probably be dead—but at the same time, I just can’t make myself get up in the first place. There isn’t anything in me anymore that wants to fight it off and run away from the wedding ceremony I’ll have with death. I’m terrified of him, but at the same time, I feel like I’d lose my mind if I keep on living.”
“Why?”
“Well,” You started after sucking in a deep breath. Heeseung felt your diaphragm inflate and deflate, and he slowly lifted his head up to let you breathe.
“I think about how if I keep on living, people—especially you—would just treat me like I’m some incompetent vegetable or whatever. Unlike you, I’m just gonna get weaker and weaker from here, and I’ll slowly start to fade away until I’m gone. I wouldn’t want to spend a prolonged life in a fucking wheelchair while I rob you of all the fun you’ll have as a college kid!”
Heeseung fell silent again. The fact that you meant every single word you said in your monologue had stunned him, but what shocked him even more was how you never felt like giving up until now. All this time, you were arrogantly trying to flip death off and extend your so-called “wedding date” with him. In a sense, it was rather astonishing. He tried to pinpoint the exact date as to when you started feeling that way, but right now, all he knew was that the energy in your body had been completely drained. The bright light of perseverance that once shone in you had fully been snuffed out.
He turned his head to look into your eyes. He had peered into them thousands of times throughout the years, but there was no trace of a lie in them. Everything that came out of your mouth was the cold, hard truth.
“Well, I have to go now,” Heeseung said, standing up.
“What?!” You cried, voice briefly retaining its former vivacity. “God, you’re insufferable.”
When Heeseung visited your room, he expected your goodbyes to be quick and dry—just like how you might’ve liked it when you were a little bit better. After the extremely distressing monologue that you had just performed, he was finding it much more difficult to walk through the door.
“See you later, bitch.” You said with a wave. Then, he turned his back on you, never looking back again.
You bitch! You fucking asshole! How dare you! We’re probably not gonna see each other again, and you’re telling me that you have to go back to get your stupid degree? Oh my GOD!
Your vigorous outbursts of furious madness continued to flow alongside Heeseung’s tears. As he sauntered down to the pitch-black night, he hailed a taxi that was waiting at the entrance of the hospital. Before he could give out the directions to the driver, he had buried his head in his chest to cry.
And so, his summer came to an end.
You died early in the autumn.
The first time Heeseung had heard of your death was through your mother. In his caffeinated brain from all the exams and lectures he had to take, he pictured a scene from a recent movie he’s watched. In it, you were the protagonist wearing a spacesuit, using someone that looked like the grim reaper as your punching back—but then, the grim reaper had suddenly swung his ax from behind you, delivering the final blow to your intense rivalry. At first, the way he processed your passing was just like how he dealt with the death of his high school girlfriend—he simply couldn’t understand it. The first few months were spent in a daze, where he completely shut himself off in his room. Whenever his brother would try to get him out, he would pretend to be asleep.
When did I start sleeping so much? He would often ask himself. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t resist the incoming tides of sleep that would overwhelm him, finally putting his body into an endless state of slumber. The types of sleep he would go through were infinitely deep—so deep that he could never hear the phone ringing. Sometimes, he wasn’t even planning to sleep that day, but he would wake up in the middle of the night, wasting an entire day doing nothing.
Despite all that had happened, he knew that nothing could be done to change anything. He took an academic leave for an entire semester, visiting the seaside town to help out with the funeral processions. He couldn’t really remember what had happened, since most of the time, he felt like a chicken running around with its head cut off. He was everywhere and nowhere at the same time, idly staring into space at the lack of your presence in the town or the now-empty villa.
Some parts of him still believe that he was somehow at fault for exacerbating your health condition. Maybe if he pulled you back up to your father’s record room, you’d still be alive—albeit getting weaker and weaker as the days went by. Perhaps none of that mattered, and in whatever scenario, you were always destined to die young.
“Isn’t that cool of you, huh? Living fast, while dying young—you’re basically a coked-up Hollywood celebrity in hell!” He exclaimed to the sky, seeing your outline form in the clouds. If he squinted his eyes, he could also see the silhouette of a middle finger slowly evaporate into the clear, bright sky, and he returned it with all the rage and sadness that he could.
From the bottom of his heart, he really wanted to give up on everything. To some degree, he had finally understood how you felt about living each day of your life in the present. In his current state, there was no telling when tomorrow would come, or the next week—perhaps a month? Year? It will take some time, but he had grown to accept his fate to live in the dark abyss that pulled him deeper whenever he thought of you.
Now, he was back in Seoul again. It was raining, and everything had looked as it is was suspended in the air. As he walked past the gates to his station, he looked longingly at the album that your father had given him. It was the same one that the two of you had made love to in the open air of the rainy beach. Unlike the warmth of the sea, the city remained cold and disproportioned whenever it rained.
My real life has just started. I’ve just started living my life, and I have to live some for you, too.
As he wobbled down the stairs that led to your apartment, he found his brother waiting for him in the kitchen.
“How’s your trip?” He asked.
“Yeah, I suppose spending autumn in the sea wasn’t too bad,” Heeseung replied, dumping his luggage on the entrance. Kicking his shoes off, he slumped his body on the sofa, letting its leathery scent remove all the sea salt that had been stuck into his nostrils.
As he began to tell the story of his summer and autumn to his brother, finally opening his heart to come to terms with everything. He found that talking about his memories with a layer of nostalgia eased his grievances, allowing him to process things easier. Despite the details that he went to about his walks with Sean and the last summer at your villa, he kept his mouth shut about the record in his bag. He even refrained from telling his brother about how the two of you had practically rolled over in the muddy sand and rain while you sustained a high fever, professing your deep love for each other in the dark ocean.
The mouth cannot communicate these treasures, which will forever shine in his heart. Even if he tried, it would take him forever to come up with the right word or tone to convey all the emotions that he felt in each experience. So, for now, he kept them all inside of him, reliving each of them in an infinite, panoramic playback. At the start of every loop, he knows he would always see your malicious grin, welcoming him back to the seaside town of his childhood.
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