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@hannahbecomes
The Bird Place That Was is redeeming itself a bit more today.
book recs: august '23
(I want to try and do these posts more frequently because I DEARLY miss yelling about books, txitter is [poop emoji]-ing, and bluesky is promising but I don't have much of an audience there yet)
ok! stuff freya has read recently and enjoyed:
A FIRE BORN OF EXILE by aliette de bodard -- did you enjoy nirvana in fire? this is for YOU. it's a revenge story set in aliette's xuya space opera universe, with a pile of complicated characters with mixed or obscured motives, a sapphic romance, and just really incredible use of worldbuilding and politics.
THE SLEEPING SOLDIER by aster glenn gray -- I am an enormous sucker for aster's historical m/m romances, and this one was incredible. a union soldier goes to sleep in 1865 and wakes up in 1965, and his new college roommate has a series of gay crises about it. sweet, exuberant, well researched. both a wonderful romance and an absolutely fascinating examination of male friendships and homosexuality in two different historical time periods.
A DEADLY EDUCATION by naomi novik -- doing a reread of the first two scholomance books before I dive into the third. these books are so disgustingly tailored to ME, a huge fan of magical academia stories with a truly deliciously unnecessary level of worldbuilding detail about how the magic works (and how the school is trying to kill you).
BATH HAUS by p.j. vernon -- a man goes to a gay bathhouse, cheating on his partner, and narrowly escapes being murdered. things get worse from there. I can only recommend this to you if you enjoy thrillers that STRESS YOU THE FUCK OUT, which I normally don't; I nearly put it down a couple of times, but I HAD to know what was going on. it's a masterclass in propulsive tension and does some really cool things with unreliable narration.
HAVEMERCY by jaida jones and danielle bennett -- seven hundred years late to this party, but OH MY GOD. this is the completely gay political/military fantasy of my dreams (the YEARNING), plus there are magical-mechanical dragons. I will be devouring the other books in this series in short order.
EVERY VERSION OF YOU by grace chan -- a beautiful and fascinating literary scifi book about humanity and family and love, and being given the choice to upload your consciousness to a digital paradise as the planet dies around you. unsurprisingly it deals with some heavy stuff, but it's fantastic. and australian!
A THIEF AND A GENTLEMAN by arden powell -- another m/m romance in arden's flos magicae series. the title alone is probably enough to tell you why I enjoyed it, but I especially liked the way it kept subverting my expectations in favour of more chewy emotional honesty and complexity.
STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER by fern brady -- a memoir by a scottish comedian about being diagnosed with autism in her thirties, and her life up to that point. funny and chaotic and an all-around amazing read. I loved fern on taskmaster and I love her even more now.
14/05/2023, Sunday;
It’s been a while.
Reflecting on this year... I’ve realised that I can have more — more money, a social life, status items, work, rest, organic food, delicious fast food — and it still doesn’t matter. It still all boils down to your own state of mind and how you’re perceiving the world.
I’ve been happier at times living with a smaller salary, sharing spaces with housemates, and eating instant noodles than other times where I have more back-up reserves, living in my own studio space, and eating organic eggs. And similarly, I can look back at how far I’ve come and gratitude becomes the primary emotion. It’s not the material things. It never was. It was always how much peace I could find in me, whether with less or with more.
this is going to be difficult -> i am capable of doing difficult things -> i have done everything prior to this moment -> this difficulty will soon be proof of capability
this difficulty will soon be proof of capability.
02/05/2022, monday
‘Let’s talk fear.
Fear of failure. Fear of mans opinions. Fear of upsetting other people. Fear of offending other people. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of being misunderstood, taken the wrong way, having your meaning misconstrued. Fear of not being able to clearly articulate what you want to say.
But you know what? It starts somewhere. Everything starts somewhere.
‘I will speak and listen in such a way as to help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations.’
To bring the big picture into the situation and speak on behalf of others is something I can do. To take the limelight away from faults or accusations, and onto suffering and the way out of it.
‘Much of our suffering comes from wrong perceptions. To remove that hurt, we have to remove our wrong perception.’
To reflect inwardly on how I am perceiving the situation so that I do not bring my hurts and suffering onto the other person. To remove my wrong perceptions so I can see clearly through the lens of wanting to understand their perspective, for the removal of suffering, together.
‘If you are grounded in the present moment, you can bring the future into the present to have a deep look without losing yourself in anxiety and uncertainty. If you are truly present and know how to take care of the present moment as best you can, you are doing your best for the future already.’
To bring the future into the present, to breathe through the uncertainty knowing that right now is already a beautiful place to be, and that the future will one day become the Now. Every moment I begin to step in, is a moment that will only be there for a fleeting second. It is for me to grasp, to treat with compassion the best I can, and to alleviate my suffering and that of others.
Fear: Essential Wisdom For Getting Through The Storm by Thich Nhat Hanh
04/03/2022, sunday;
on reflecting on where life has brought me thus far, i think it's fair to say that every coin has its side. working my main job as a physical therapist has helped me understand the vast array of human emotions - both good and bad, beautiful and ugly. every single person is so different and aside from our socioeconomic and familial inheritance, much of what is left aside from that is up to our choices. it's taught me communication and how much of a tricky skill it is. it's not so much a structural law by grammar, a play of verbs, nouns, and adjectives, as much it is an embroidery of finest silk - one wrong stitch, and you've ruined the whole cloth. start again with a cut, a snip. sometimes it can be repaired. often times, not.
my second job as a freelance transcriber has taught me the value of sticking up for myself and, well, my value. it's taught me the lesson of putting a dime to time, of the monetary value of a minute (no matter how much we say we can't put a price on things that you can't see, but time seems to be an exception). it's taught me to raise my value and to look for people who can respect the time of others.
my third job as a freelance writer or content creator has taught me my strengths, and given me a breadth of knowledge in so many things that has actually benefited my daily life. i can talk to people above my station about facial procedures and laser treatments because i understand what it's about, it's helped me find the right treatments for my stress-induced hair loss (that's telogen effluvium, if you didn't know), and I've discovered a flair for writing and researching the most random of topics and piecing them together into 1000 or 2000 words. all those last-minute assignments in university came together on this one, joined with my background of the first and second jobs - this has become an amalgamation of my life experiences into some form of a monetary job, of which i have no complaints. aside from the deadlines, but I suppose deadlines are a necessary evil.
and my fourth, I've come full circle, where I begin to dip my toes into the world of customer service again, just in a whole different role. (yes, I do regard my job as a physical therapist as customer service). it's funny how life gives you what you want in ways you could never have imagined. did you know that when I grew up I wanted to own a garbage collecting company? I thought it was the coolest thing ever that I could help every single family to be rid of the one thing that nobody wants - trash. if garbage collectors didn't exist, the world would be a miserable (and smelly) place. where was I again? yes, my fourth freelance. the world of airbnb cleaning. it amazes me how unhygienic humanity can be. I think I may have to start rethinking that childhood dream again.
anyway.
juggling 4 jobs in 7 day weeks can be odd. i don't know why I do this to myself - or do I? is it the money? perhaps. is it the thrill of proving myself right, that I can do this thing? possibly. there's a whole conversation of capitalism and attaching a person's value to their ability to be productive, and then the meaning behind that productivity (is something only productive if it earns you money?) - some form of meta-reflection there.
truth be told, I don't know.
I don't know how long I can continue to do it either.
but when the time comes for me to stop, then I'll stop. for now, I'll listen to my gut.
20/03/2022, Sunday; while doing groceries today I was overwhelmed with gratitude for how far I’ve come. I no longer need to count pennies when I put things into my basket. I don’t need to go for the cheapest things. I can buy a little more expensive breads, I can afford to select red meat cuts when I feel like eating steak, I can choose to now pay for convenience. I can choose fruits to treat my partner with although they aren’t in season and cost more. Although I still keep my budget low, but the fact that I can actually do those things without feeling guilty, without feeling the pinch… I don’t need to worry at my account after grocery day. I can afford to buy coconuts for friends who are sick with covid and recovering. I don’t need to count down till pay day. And while debt is still there, the fact that I can pay them off the first week of the month and still have food to eat well - I’m so grateful and humbled. I’m just. Humbled.
Copenhagen, Denmark.
12/01/2022, weds; my emotions today were off the charts. Primarily frustration, anger, impatience, and fear. All very ugly yellow blazing caught-in-my-chest type feelings. This week feels like a rollercoaster caught between peace and anger.
02/01/2022, Sunday;
The Divine has given me a gift in the form of a man in pain, forcing me to confront my Ego and Pride.
The Divine has held up my Ego in the light. A scrutiny of it in all its facets, turning it around in It’s hands to view it from every facet. A scrutiny. A turn of It’s hands, and my shadowed self is brought into the light. Exposed, not for my punishment, but for my learning.
The bringing out of shadows into the light is never for a negative purpose, never for punishment, but because the darkness wants to be seen. It simply is that. It wants to be seen.
A gentle lesson in pain,
To pause and not rush it when faced in a situation that I think I know well enough in. I will just make mistakes and miss out on important points, at the detriment of the person in front of me.
To care and nurture each person as an extension of my own self, to put their highest being as my priority.
I forgive myself for doing the the right thing, but for allowing my Ego and Pride get in the way of doing better. I allow and I give compassion to myself for making a mistake. The compassion that I extend to myself, I extend to the person I could have helped better instead of providing excuses or justifications. I will do my best to rectify my mistakes and make amends for their highest good.
End of year reflections over noodles, the old journal making way for the new one? It’s always a journey.
Doing a Numerology reading for my December 2021, 38/11.
8 works through 3 to produce a base number 11 (38/11)
38/11 as a temporary vibration brings about love and marriage, but also rewards of dreams and visions as it is a master number period. As advantages come your way, you will find that desires can be fulfilled. If you need assistance, people of high positions are willing to offer assistance - additionally, they may bestow recognition (your cup runneth over, more than you can expect). Not only for material wealth but give also of that which costs more than money - your time, compassion, talents - because the more you sow seeds into the invaluable, the greater the fruits reaped.
8 works through 3, and 8 is the the strong reminder of the vibration of responsibility and karma. Again, “As you sow, so shall you reap.” This is a reminder to of karmic actions - work hard, reap the benefits, and be prepared to work harder under more responsibility (in good faith). Again, this is a reminder that those in power will help you if you ask. What you receive is a result of your own past efforts. And be reminded that those who are not on your energy level also deserve help, strength, and assurance from you as you begin to sow more good seeds.
With that strong reminder of karmic actions and results, it works through 3, which is the temporary vibration of growth, travel, and self-expression. A happy time where you are involved in the joy of living. Maintain the positive outlook on life to bring ‘luck’ - the manifestation of what is on the inside. You will gain the attention of authorities and the public, so maintain your self-image. Bask in the warmth of others’ attention and listen to your dreams. However, be warned that “Beware of your wishes for you shall surely get them” - screen your wishes and maintain your mind on the right direction for your good and all others concerned.
All in all, the production of good fruits from previous seeds sown will manifest through being fully invested in the present life and people that surround you. Be open to meeting people and keep your energy positive for it will bring you in the right direction; however, be cautious of what you are setting your desires upon. Don’t be afraid to go forth and ask for help.
17/10/2021, sunday; sometimes I feel so heartbroken at how people treat their time on this earth as infinite, and how they perceive money as the means to all ends. it’s even harder when it’s a family member - you wish you could be closer, but money always matters more.
Today I read that “we should be glad that instead of having to make a choice, we actually GET to make any choice”.
You are NOT what you can contribute to society. YOU are a being - a soul with a body. And you deserve to exist, simply because.
Sometimes I feel like there’s a crease in my heart. I don’t know what it means, but that’s what it feels like.
“my meditation practice is to honour the health of my body.”
30/08/2021, monday; i've been reading jon kabat-zinn's 'full catastrophe living' each night before i sleep. he talks about the mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) course he teaches patients who are struggling in life, whether it's chronic pain, anxiety, or depression. a large part of the teachings is meditation, body scans, and full acceptance. i've been meditating on/off (not the 45-minute/day that he recommends) and seen how it helps, but last night was when i really put it into practice.
i'd been bitten by red fire ants on my right foot a week ago, and last night the itch/swelling came back after i ate some seafood. it woke me up in the middle of the night itching really badly - it was so swollen, my whole foot felt like it was burning and on fire, and just SO itchy. i felt like i was going crazy. i kept scratching at it, but the relief was temporary. it was neverending.
after about an hour of scratching, i suddenly recalled, in my desperate haze of half-sleep-half-pain-filled-frustration, the chapter that i had been reading on chronic physical and emotional pain. i had read of acceptance of the situation (and of the pain) as it is - observation of the pain/symptoms as it appears, separate from the self, as thoughts and feelings come and go. allowing the present moment to unfold as it is, and being an observer of all that is happening at the moment.
it's interesting what your brain can retain and regurgitate when you're in a certain situation. the few sentences that i recalled (as i was wondering if a foot amputation was possible) were:
"The key is to be willing to make room for your suffering, to welcome it, observe it without trying to change it, to befriend it intentionally, to invite it to be present..."
"In listening for a calmer and clearer voice within your own heart, within your own pain, you will be reminding yourself to observe the unfolding of your emotions with wise attention, with a degree of non-attachment."
"What we need in such moments is simply to feel what is here to be felt and let it wash through us, however long the process may take, as best we can resting in awareness and watching out thoughts and our emotions do whatever they may do with a degree of equanimity."
as i slowed down my breathing and allowed each part of my body to relax as if i were doing a body scan, i became fully aware of the burning sensation in my foot and the unrelenting itch. instead of immersing myself in the feeling of frustration and wanting to scratch, i simply allowed the sensations, feelings, and thoughts to appear and run its course and accepted them as they came, like waves.
after a few minutes, i fell asleep.
no, it didn't reduce the burning sensation or the itch. what it did was it allowed me to separate what was happening in my body from my inner self, and view the pain through a lens of non-attachment. by being able to objectively view the symptoms as it was, without any desire to do something to change the situation, i was able to calm my mind and emotions down to the point where i could fall asleep again.
it's interesting how a large part of our lived existence depends on our perception of experiences as we encounter the external reality. we make meaning and sense of life through our own interpretation of things, and what we feel and think has a large influence on that. acceptance and equanimity seems to allow us to live fully present moments without a judgment of 'good' or 'bad' which can often radically colour our lived experiences.
Edward Hopper ,, Coffee,,1955 .
18/08/2021, wednesday; don’t attach your self-worth to your ability to do work and produce things.