30/08/2021, monday; i've been reading jon kabat-zinn's 'full catastrophe living' each night before i sleep. he talks about the mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) course he teaches patients who are struggling in life, whether it's chronic pain, anxiety, or depression. a large part of the teachings is meditation, body scans, and full acceptance. i've been meditating on/off (not the 45-minute/day that he recommends) and seen how it helps, but last night was when i really put it into practice.
i'd been bitten by red fire ants on my right foot a week ago, and last night the itch/swelling came back after i ate some seafood. it woke me up in the middle of the night itching really badly - it was so swollen, my whole foot felt like it was burning and on fire, and just SO itchy. i felt like i was going crazy. i kept scratching at it, but the relief was temporary. it was neverending.
after about an hour of scratching, i suddenly recalled, in my desperate haze of half-sleep-half-pain-filled-frustration, the chapter that i had been reading on chronic physical and emotional pain. i had read of acceptance of the situation (and of the pain) as it is - observation of the pain/symptoms as it appears, separate from the self, as thoughts and feelings come and go. allowing the present moment to unfold as it is, and being an observer of all that is happening at the moment.
it's interesting what your brain can retain and regurgitate when you're in a certain situation. the few sentences that i recalled (as i was wondering if a foot amputation was possible) were:
"The key is to be willing to make room for your suffering, to welcome it, observe it without trying to change it, to befriend it intentionally, to invite it to be present..."
"In listening for a calmer and clearer voice within your own heart, within your own pain, you will be reminding yourself to observe the unfolding of your emotions with wise attention, with a degree of non-attachment."
"What we need in such moments is simply to feel what is here to be felt and let it wash through us, however long the process may take, as best we can resting in awareness and watching out thoughts and our emotions do whatever they may do with a degree of equanimity."
as i slowed down my breathing and allowed each part of my body to relax as if i were doing a body scan, i became fully aware of the burning sensation in my foot and the unrelenting itch. instead of immersing myself in the feeling of frustration and wanting to scratch, i simply allowed the sensations, feelings, and thoughts to appear and run its course and accepted them as they came, like waves.
after a few minutes, i fell asleep.
no, it didn't reduce the burning sensation or the itch. what it did was it allowed me to separate what was happening in my body from my inner self, and view the pain through a lens of non-attachment. by being able to objectively view the symptoms as it was, without any desire to do something to change the situation, i was able to calm my mind and emotions down to the point where i could fall asleep again.
it's interesting how a large part of our lived existence depends on our perception of experiences as we encounter the external reality. we make meaning and sense of life through our own interpretation of things, and what we feel and think has a large influence on that. acceptance and equanimity seems to allow us to live fully present moments without a judgment of 'good' or 'bad' which can often radically colour our lived experiences.
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