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@hannahfortits
“as you get older, you realize that you’re not always right and there’s so many things you could’ve handled better, so many situations where you could’ve been kinder and all you can really do is forgive yourself and let your mistakes make you a better person.”
— Unknown
“I need to stop fantasizing about running away to some other life and start figuring out the one I have.”
— Holly Black
You cannot keep caring your parents’ trauma and they have no right to lash out on you even if they are suffering. Abuse is still abuse, even when the abusers were also abused. It is their responsibility to heal and to be able to provide a safe environment for a child. If it became a cycle within your family, you could break away from it. It is okay to walk away, cut contact and trying to recover from the trauma.
“I have a habit of falling in love with souls who have yet to be at peace with their bodies, their minds, their weaknesses. I try to build them, to find the parts of them that are missing in me. I end up with holes in my chest.”
— Farah Gabdon
On Marriage and future babies
I have never been maternal, I have also never been the type of girl to plan and fantasize about getting married. No matter how in love I was with my exes, I cringed at the thought of marriage. My freedom has always been so important to me that the thought of being tied down to someone for the rest of my life seemed more like a death sentence. Somehow, I always saw marriage as a lie, a scam if you will, and I didn't want to fall into that trap. I didn't want to have to stay at home, change diapers and breastfeed a baby I wasn't ready for.
Maybe its because I come from a broken family. Maybe its because my mother had to go through 3 divorces & raise us all on her own. Maybe it's because I have always known that no matter how in love you think you are, feelings change, and a vow to love someone for the rest of your life is just plain ridiculous (To me at least). I have been called all sorts of things, selfish, unnatural and even a coward for being afraid to fully commit. My friends would even chime in and call me a pessimist, but I would always fire back and tell them I'm simply a realist.
2021 is the year I let the pressure get to me. Family and friends back home keep asking “Wheres the ring? Whens the wedding? Hannah, your body clock is ticking!!!” Sebastian has made it clear from the very beginning that he wants a future with me, so I was never really worried about his intentions. And yet, this year, I let society get the best of me. I noticed that instead of me giving them my usual feisty answers, I kept diverting all the questions back to Sebastian and put the pressure on him instead. I would constantly tease him and ask “WHERE IS MY DAMN RING!!!!” hahhahahhaa
Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be a woman. I wish I didn't have to worry about my body clock ticking. I mean, wouldn't it be frikkin great if I could have another 10 years without having to feel the need to procreate?!!
I don't know if I am ever going to be truly ready or if I'll ever develop a maternal instinct and want to have babies. (Oh, how I pray to God that I do.) What I do know is that despite how much I resent the thought of getting married, Sebastian has NOT once pressured me into doing anything I am not ready to do. Most importantly, he has never robbed me of my freedom and he has never tried to control me. Instead of trying to mold me into the perfect girlfriend, he lets me simply be and has even learned to love my flaws and all the craziness that comes a long with it.
For that reason alone, “Forever” doesn't sound so daunting.
🌻
Things are not always as personal as they may feel.
Okay, this hits a nerve.
Of ruptured Tendons and life lessons
It has been a whole month since I have had my foot surgery. It's funny, I thought the only surgery I would ever have to do in the future is a boob job, and yet, here we are. (All because of some freak accident I got myself into while attempting to make pancakes in the kitchen.) Yup, definitely not wifey material -- so why do I even bother? lol.
It has not been easy. Aside from the physical pain, I had to go through a whole lot of roller coaster emotions. Being stuck at home, or being stuck sitting on a couch rather, makes you slowly lose your sanity. You start feeling like complete shit, you start feeling helpless and the worst part, you feel useless. Oh and let's not forget feeling left out. You see your friends and even your boyfriend having a grand time, enjoying without you, which makes you feel even shittier.
You start getting sweet messages from all sorts of people who want to check up on you, and get mixed emotions of gratitude and sadness, because it's not from the people who you expected it to be from. And it sucks knowing that if the tables were turned, I would go ALL OUT to make sure that they never feel alone. That they feel loved and that I am literally just a phone call away.
I had to snap myself out of it several times. I constantly had to remind myself that this was temporary, that “This too shall pass”. And as I started feeling a tad bit more positive, I started seeing the good in all this. For instance, I started noticing how attentive Sebastian has been.
I remember looking at Sebastian all teary eyed after he struggled to wash my hair, making sure my cast doesn't get wet. How he constantly made me tea. How he would carry pillows to the bedroom every night just to make sure my foot stays elevated. How he literally became my human alarm clock, always reminding me to take my medicine -- The little things. <3
I realized I spent so much of my time and energy bitching about this ruptured tendon without realizing that this ruptured tendon has gifted me with a few life lessons and a calm I didn't think I needed.
This circumstance has forced me to reevaluate my life and the people in it. I am not going to go into details, but I have learned a couple of complicated lessons, and I am guilty of casting a few judgments.
But as best as I can tell, humans are still capable of remarkable generosity and empathy, even if the outpouring love doesn't come from whom we ask. And I think that's great. I think that is reason enough to stretch our heart towards forgiveness and continue to see the good in life.
I love you
“You’re a woman, use it. Bring every man you meet to his mother fucking knees”
— Amy (via deceptivelips)
Good conversations with the right people are priceless. 🔥
An actual conversation I had with a friend back home.
Me: What are u talking about? I always smile.
Patrick: Sure, except when you're shouting at me, or barking at me because of some inconvenience that happened to you. You can be so viscious, Hannah. You're like a pitbull.
HHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA I CANT.
