Today was a WILD ride. But I’m hoping that the things that came out of it are beneficial long term. Fingers Crossed.
So i guess a lot of this really started yesterday or the day before.. but Husb and I were partaking in extracurricular medicines so we were up late n feeling frisky and adventurous. We were using a anonymous chat site to have some fun. He explicitly told me numerous times Not to use it on my own and that this was an us together thing. He DEF has the right to feel this way and place these limits especially considering my problems with hypersexuality and how I have used such sites in the past while manic. (This 100% should have been one of my first clues 🙄) It was awesome, we had a blast, I felt super seen and connected to him and for once in a very long time I didn’t feel like a disgusting freak for my kinks or exhibitionist behaviors. Problem is I felt SO good I didn’t think thing’s through when perusing the chat site for ideas in our future use..
Fast forward to today. We both crashed hard last night so we were both up early this morning. We ran a couple errands and I started doing some housework. I was feeling GREAT and productive (clue 2). I was feeling a lil sexy n I was definitely gonna ask him if he wanted to play that way again tonight. (Clue 3) While fantasizing about our potential night time fun n doing laundry I remembered I had a shrink appointment that morning. ALMOST missed it but didn’t. Saw Shrink Shelly n was literally feeling Top Notch. While discussing my bipolar we went over my mania symptoms and then about halfway through my session it hit me… I’m Manic Right Now.
Of course the correct action would have been to divulge that to her right then.. but nope! I was definitely frightened of the unknown of her reaction and what would happen as a result of me telling her???? Literally doesn’t make sense lol After my session I went to Walmart and was just noticing tons of things that confirmed this. But so far nothing really bad was happening (besides some self medicating) so I thought why not ride the high… I took forever at Walmart bc the racing thoughts were causing me to forget and second guess what I needed. I talked to Husb and I could feel a slight annoyance that I was taking so long. So I rushed home. We were kinda chatting n I felt like he was irritated by something or I dunno what. He asked if I had used any sites without him. I wanted to be honest, I hadn’t done anything bad.. except I had. I completely diminished his feelings by using it for recon. I broke the one rule he gave me and once again I felt surprised bc “it was no big deal”. My brain just minimizes situations and I lose site of the bigger picture. In the moment I really felt like “why is he so upset? I didn’t do anything wrong” But talking/getting defensive and arguing with him I realized exactly what I did wrong and how it hurt him.. but it was kinda too late. It was him telling me I fucked up and hurt him by not taking his feeling’s seriously and he was right. It was a shitty thing to do and as usual I felt hella guilty. But not before making a huge fuckin deal of it bc I always blow up and then see the error of my ways quickly after. Feels crappy. Because of how I handled things I ruined the whole day.. I couldn’t just apologize n let him be justifiably mad for a minute. I always get defensive and I was irritated for ruining my chances of future fun. Which in fact, had I let the situation play out normally, would have mostly been saved. Jen Queen Champion of Ruining things. So while in the car I worked on my “reasonable thinking” and was able to work through my problematic thinking and felt better. MUCH better. I thought that now that I saw things clearly and apologized and took accountability for what I did wrong and was feeling better that I could reclaim the day. I decided to reach out on my Bipolar1 and BPD Reddit groups for advice. But you know.. I just don’t learn from my mistakes. So Husb was like WTF are you doing on Reddit! And me again minimizing everything was like oh I just use it for mental health advice and support. But AGAIN that is a site he’s justifiably told me not to use. So now he’s upset bc I literally am doing exactly what we just discussed and I just said I understood. Needless to say I have destroyed his mood for the day.. my mania is still around but it’s symptoms have lessened. I wanted to reclaim the day and make up for my mistakes and try to hopefully influence Husb mood. So I actively have stayed in a positive mood and tried to be as ideal a partner as humanly possible. Because the mania is still present it was easy to fall back into the positive mood. His mood however was not influenced.. He says he’s over it and that nothing is wrong but his actions, attitude, language etc say otherwise. N the post-mania guilt is creeping in early.
So anyway Shrink Shelly asked if I journaled today and said I should try picking it up again. I think putting em out on here is gonna be beneficial. I just get worried that mania is having me believe that this is a better idea than it really is. Being aware of Mania when it’s happening is supposedly a good thing. Well lemme tell you.. it’s fucking confusing and causes me to second guess my feelings and thoughts. Lots of lessons learned today and I’m hoping they really sink in. Im hoping I see all this as clearly when the mania ends. I’m also hoping the journaling keeps up after this is over too. I still have SO much to learn about myself and my illness. BUT baby steps. Forward progress.
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