It’s really fucking stressful to go into college life and these are my interactions
“How do you feel about college? Nervous?”
“Yeah, I’m actually really nervous.” And if it’s a person I trust more than the general person, or somebody who seems genuinely curious, I’ll share “I’m actually most nervous about not being smart enough.”
Maybe that’s meant to be supportive, I just feel dismissed.
People don’t understand how much stress school causes for me because I do well in the grade book, but for those who don’t know, schooling is so much more than those non summative courses. It’s interaction with other people(I have been accused of being so insensitive when I was using 100% empathy) and it’s tests that don’t have the same formatting as the prep work that we are sworn will prep us for the test. It’s hearing a teacher use a definitive word and meeting their expectations to an excellent level, only to find that the amount of work I put into this wasn’t necessary to pass. It’s feeling too ashamed to submit poor work even if the teacher considers it to be adequate, so I go above and beyond. It’s being called the teachers pet because I was taught some fucking manners as a child and that translates to being the most helpful person in class. The nickname is compounded by me actively engaging in class and answering questions because that’s how I learn and if the opportunity is presented, I should take advantage of it. Somehow doing this makes people see me as stuck up and they have admitted to assuming I think I’m better than others. School is also being told an assignment will take me 3-4 hours and we can do it all in class, but it took me those 3 in class hours plus 8 more at home.
But those things don’t exist to other people because they just see my grades. Or, contrary to that, they see how I function outside of school exclusively. I am so adapt at understanding information and retaining conversations word for word. Additionally, their own self consciousness about how they feel around me plays in. I have noticed people who have admitted to feeling less smart than I am are more prone to dismissing my concerns about my adequacy because “you’re so much better than I am.” Which to me, this translates as me being invalid. Their selfishness and projection has blocked us from a connection and a place where I could’ve leaned on them.
Later I sign up for my courses. I picked a full schedule because I want to be challenged this first semester. And I tell these people I have a 13 credit schedule and they suddenly go from “there’s no way she can fail” to “I have never taken so much work. Are you sure you can do it?” And my ambition is punished. My bravery is stamped upon by sudden concern from others.
And I don’t really understand this. Because they lack the communication skills for this kind of conversation and yet when I explain it to them, it still doesn’t make sense that how I feel has nothing to do with their experiences and how they view themselves. I do appreciate feeling like I’m not alone in my experiences or feelings, but it feels like somebody is trying to put out my fire with the comments that feel dismissive. “You’re so smart” “you’ve always been good in school” “you have always had great grades” “you’ve never worked hard for your grades” “grades grades grades” “you’ll make good friends”
That final assumption is so stressful to me and puts so much pressure on me to live up to their expectations—all of these things do. Because they made it about them, when they started by asking about me. Isn’t that confusing?
And so I’m left fighting my generational lesson that I should give all the shits about what other people’s expectations of me are. I’m left here, isolated by the people closest to me to be in college for myself and my progress regardless of what my family thinks of my chances of success. And I don’t know how to stop wondering “what would happen if I did fail?” They would love me, sure, but all they talk about is my success, so who am I to them if I fail?
Maybe it’s nice, that I’m measured by my successes and not my failures. That the failures/missed marks can be let go because they know who I am.
Maybe I’m substituting my concern for how they see me if I fail but it’s a projection of my concern of how I will see myself if I fail.
