sick sick sick

we want a space for venting and heavy stuff so… here it is.. trauma blog. coping space.

[haunted-and-harrowed]

we have a post on our main sitting in drafts about realizing that the church we grew up in was a cult. we’ve been triggered and reeling from this and don’t know how to recover. where do we go from here? how does someone come to terms with the fact that they are a cult survivor? it explains so much about our system and why some of our alters are the way that they are.

here’s some stuff about the church we grew up in…

isolation. within the church we were heavily encouraged to only associate with other church members. the only exceptions were proselytizing and mission work, which is another form of proselytization. if any individual left the church for any reason, they were cut off entirely by church member and it was normal for them to be cut off by family as well.

strange beliefs. so so so many conspiracies treated as fact. the widespread belief that our particular sect was uniquely persecuted, and that soon the government would be enacting laws that criminalize our way of life. the insistence that the apocalypse is nigh, and that anyone who is not within our own church would be damned for eternity.

abuse. in our church parents were heavily encouraged to abuse their children in order to prevent them from or punish them for sinning. we were subjected to some strange and cruel punishments, outside of our csa, which were all suggested as “parenting tools” by the church. we were abused by church staff and teachers at our church school alike. it was like every adult was in on it. we were often singled out and ostracized due to the disabilities we were born with.

indoctrination. we were raised attending church camps which were funded by the church. in that church, baptism was supposed to be a choice of free will, but we and many other children were lowkey forced into being baptized at one of these camps. we were raised to not ask questions, and were punished for asking questions that were not approved by the church.

anti-otherness. in our church it was taught that queer people were going to hell. that disabled people had sinned (or if they were born disabled, their parents had sinned) and would not be in heaven. that we were the only true followers of god. literally there was a cap on who would be permitted in heaven of less than 150k.

we could go on and on. we will probably bring up and try to process some of our memories on this blog. fuck, we wish we could talk this through with our therapist. we’re in a really bad place.

[konoko]

[rook-jemmy]

nobody gives a fuck about csa victims. nobody. lots of people say they care, but they just use that as an excuse for hating the abuser. and to most of them, an "abuser" is anyone they fucking want it to be. nobody gives a fuck about the victims. nobody wants to hear from them. nobody wants the narrative getting muddied by the source.

[toastbutteregg]

[traumatizeddfox]

is it always going to hurt?

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

"No one remembered my birthday-" Well, but did YOU tell anyone it was coming up and you wanted to celebrate it with them?

"I wish someone would see through it when I tell people I'm fine-" Well, but have YOU considered not lying when people ask you how you're doing?

"I am so resentful of my friend because they keep doing this thing that really bothers me-" Well, but have YOU directly communicated that the thing is bothering you?

"I am burning out because my friend keeps expecting me to help them with serious struggles-" Well, but have YOU tried to establish the boundaries you need to feel okay?

"No one ever asks me about this thing I really care about-" Well, but have YOU brought it up yourself?

"I miss my friend but they haven't texted me-" Well, but have YOU been reaching out to them?

Sometimes people are mean, uncaring assholes, in which case you get to be mad. But sometimes you just need to communicate better. Try communication before you assume someone doesn't care!

[snipertrifle]

Having someone who knows you on such a deep level that they see past your mask, or sense you need a check in is such a deep satisfying fantasy. It's up there with living in a cottagecore farm, or buying all your friends houses when you win the lottery. But you have to make peace with the fact that this is also a fantasy. It is unfair to expect people to "just know" when to respect your boundaries or to push them.

Being cared for is not a fantasy. But you have to let people know you need it. And you have to understand that sometimes they will let you down. Just like you totally could live in a cute farm, but you still have to shovel shit, and the crops sometimes die anyway. Or maybe you win the lottery, but you still have to manage your money and learn real estate law.

The fantasy isn't the caring, the fantasy is not having to do the work. And it sucks. It's embarrassing. But like the meme says, it's not rotten if it's YOU. So do it for yourself.

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

"The fantasy isn't the caring, the fantasy is not having to do the work"! Thank you for that addition. Because it's not a naive expectation to want someone to care to treat you right. But it requires communication and mutual effort to actually get there

[haunted-and-harrowed]

I need to process some emotions and talk about some stuff so I’m gonna do it here.

Please don’t read this post if you are triggered by CSA survivors discussing their experiences!!!!

My system watched three parts of the documentary Quiet on Set recently. It’s about Dan Schneider and some people who worked with him and the sexual abuse of kids that took place on their shows.

Not gonna lie, it was incredibly triggering, and we probably shouldn’t have watched it. We were heavily dissociated and our traumatized protector fronted for most of it. It took us a few hours of just sitting motionless in front of some cartoons afterward and a few grounding exercises in order to calm down.

At this point though, we’re left with a few thoughts.

First of all, it actually was kind of cathartic to hear the stories of other survivors of CSA. We are not sure what Drake Bell went through personally, but we also endured years of incredibly fucked up, horrendous sexual assault as a kid. Being a survivor of CSA can be so fucking isolating and lonely. We often feel like no one suffered the way we did, like we can’t talk about what we went through to anyone, that no one would understand us and we’d be ostracized for speaking out. Not to mention having parts who are to this day sworn to secrecy and unable to talk about what happened due to fears instilled in us by our abuser. So hearing a fellow survivor tell their story… it means a lot to us. Even if we were dissociated for it and relying on a protector part to get us through it.

Also… it made us feel incredibly grateful for our parts. Our DID keeps the main fronters separated from our trauma for the most part. In general, we are able to live our lives without the constant knowledge of our trauma hanging over us. We could not imagine going through our abuse and then having to live with those memories constantly, unable to escape from them. I genuinely believe we would not have survived had we not developed DID. So hearing from a survivor like that… it gave us a new perspective and honestly helped us empathize a bit more with our trauma holders.

Idk if any other DID systems or CSA survivors will feel similarly about this, but we had to just get this out there. Idk. We really feel like absolutely no one should have to speak publicly about their abuse if they don’t want to or are not ready. But we appreciate those who did come forward, because it helped us feel less alone.

[haunted-and-harrowed]

Our friend forgot our birthday…

a vent about feelings and BPD.

[haunted-and-harrowed]

so something has been bothering us and i wanted to write about it on our main blog but people would probably get pissed at us so i’m writing it here.

we saw a post a while back that had a list of contradictory truths surrounding jewish folks and the palestinian genocide. we were going to reblog the post, as it had a lot of points we agree with. there was one point, though, that had us balking and we ended up having to move on.

that point was the contradictory truths: “hamas committed war crimes” and “israeli politicians helped put hamas in power.”

we have a lot of issues with these statements.

1. hamas, to our understanding, has committed little to no war crimes, actually. taking part in a war, initiating a war, and fighting back against occupation… none of those are war crimes. we do believe they have been fighting with dignity, and have been targeting iof soldiers, equipment, and stolen land over civilians.

2. of the 1200 israelis killed on october 7th… 600 were iof soldiers. and of that remaining 600, a staggering 80% of the casualties were caused by the iof themselves with their indiscriminate bombing and gunning down people.

3. we thought that hamas was elected into power by the palestinian majority (albeit 7-8 years ago). also, hamas is not the only actor fighting for resistance in palestine. there are lots of militant groups who are working together for the goal of liberating palestine. even if israel played a role in putting hamas in power, that doesn’t change the fact that right now hamas is fighting for a free palestine.

4. israel has committed a vast amount of atrocious war crimes, such as killing those who are surrendering, purposefully killing non-combatants, bombing houses, hospitals, schools, and places of worship, cutting civilians off from access to food, fuel, and clean water, mistreatment of hostages and pows, targeting journalists and medical personnel… the list goes on and on. hamas has not committed even a tiny fraction of the war crimes that israel is responsible for. hell, we’ve all heard about the israeli hostages released by hamas who were treated ethically and with compassion by their captors.

so yeah, that post made us upset because, while many of the contradictory truths were serious and interesting and excellent points to be made, we can’t stand to see people so willing to condemn hamas for literally making a genuine, valiant, and somewhat successful attempt to liberate palestine from israeli occupation. there is no such thing as a non-violent resistance. “non-violent resistance” is just another word for complacency.

if we’re wrong about anything we’ve said here, we’re happy to be corrected. but please, be critical of your sources! we all know the media is all-too-willing to lie in order to properly side with israel. we all know israel is regularly amending and retracting statements, getting caught in lies, and is actively trying to craft a narrative that demonizes hamas and the people of palestine. this is why we’ve been trusting people on the ground in palestine and diaspora palestinians more than any news outlet. all too often journalists will craft a fake narrative that twists palestinian resistance into something it’s not, their words spread like wildfire, and then by the time they’re caught in their lies and have to delete their articles… it’s too late. the people have seen it and choose to believe it, even when it’s not true. so we stay wary and vigilant, always.

from the river to the sea, palestine will be free!

[tearfuldaisy]

[2-cb-blog-blog]

[cor-ardens-archive]

[everybody-wants-me-dead]

[girls--complex]

[necronomimicon-deactivated20250]

[whatfeelingsdoyouhave]

[gravehop187]