HAUNTED BOX

The forsaken grotto where @AstonishingSod used to hide the bits that fell off his brain. Book: Why The Long Joke? / Zine: HUMUOR / Writing: The New Yorker / Other: Crimer Show, Terbil Draems, Goggl Serch... / http://www.astonishingsod.com http://twitter.com/AstonishingSod

[hauntedbox]

HONK

HONK IF YOU'RE A JAZZ HAPPENING 

HOONK IF YOU HAVE TOO MANY VOWELS 

HONK IF PUPPIES 

HONK IF YOU'RE EATING A LIVE CHICKEN 

HONK IF YOU HAVE OPINIONS 

HONK IF YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE THE NEWS 

HONK IF EVERYTHING SMELLS WEIRD 

HONK IF YOU'RE RELEVANT 

HONK IF YOU BOUGHT MUSCLES ON THE INTERNET 

HONK IF YOU SUSPECT THAT RAINBOWS ARE A HOAX 

HONK IF YOU'RE THE THIRD WHEEL IN AN IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP 

HONK IF THEY PUT A TRANSMITTER IN YOUR BRAIN 

HONK 

JUST HONK GODDAMMIT 

MORE HONKS PLEASE 

CAN I GET A HONK 

HONK LIMIT EXCEEDED 

[hauntedbox]

WORDS THAT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ON A PLANE

- Plane - Yamp - Toilet - Money - Anus - Cockpit - Snippling - Bastard - Menu - Limn - Thank - Buckle - Candidacy - Door - Doof - Me - Popped - Emergency - Holp - Goose - Geese - Guuse - Terrified - Umami - Fiscal - Look - Bad - Buttoms - Lepidoptery - Window - Froog - Where - Plesm - Asplosion - Mile - Breadening - Pilot

[hauntedbox]

40 WORDS FOR SNOW

(a response to Rob Delaney's challenge)  1. Snow  2. Groundruff  3. Earthchalk  4. Sprinklemuck  5. Fundust  6. Insta-traffic  7. Cloudsneeze  8. Slow  9. Skyfeathers 10. Watercrust  11. Sludgyfrost  12. Supergrass  13. Toss  14. Hypersand  15. Facepiddles  16. Weathershavings  17. Coldstard  18. Minitears  19. Chillyputty  20. Crazyrain  21. Tonguepoops  22. Caviair  23. Microslopes  24. Glunk  25. Wintermotes 26. Excuse-o-matic  27. Crunchfleece  28. Powderings  29. Smotherpaste  30. White 31. Crunchpuff  32. Autojam   33. Talculayer  34. Pre-sludge  35. Bonemist  36. Wondercover   37. Problemdroppings  38. Happysnuff  39. Windcrumbs  40. Sugarflies 

[hauntedbox]

MY IMPRESSION OF A RESTAURANT CRITIC

Oh this meat looks wrong look at the outside it's just the wrong colour look at it the consistency is just god I dunno there's something fundamentally contrived about it the juices are okay but again I'm trying to slice this and it feels like I'm hacking at carpet and ummm it's overdone there's too much salt and it's far too heavy I mean it's not supposed to be hard work and these vegetables are serviceable at best but they're just not good enough and they don't do enough to counteract the texture of that dreadful meat KILL ME NOW I'M A POINTLESS LEECH KILL ME NOW I'M A POINTLESS LEECH KILL ME NOW I'M A POINTLESS LEECH KILL ME NOW KILL ME NOW KILL ME NOW

[hauntedbox]

OSCAR WINNERS 2012 (LEAKED)

Best Actor in a Leading Role Georgemichael Jacknicholsonian, 'Revenge Of Love' Best Actor in a Supporting Role Georgemichael Jacknicholsonian, 'Farewell To The Infinite' Best Actress in a Leading Role Footage of rappers pointing at Scarface DVDs Best Actress in a Supporting Role Jessica Alba, 'Plasticity Threshold' Best Adapted Screenplay 'Operating Instructions For Tefal Toastmatic Ultra' Best Animated Feature No entries this year Best Animated Short Film 'Kramer Versus The Volcano' Best Art Direction Your Mom Best Cinematography 'Norbit V: Siege Of Frankfurt' Best Costume Design No entries this year Best Director Dane Cook, 'Amistandingonyourballs' Best Documentary Feature 'Werner Herzog Considers Going Outside Without An Umbrella' Best Documentary Short Subject The colour yellow Best Film Editing Final Cat Pro, 'Autopopcorn' Best Foreign Language Film 'Les Worthées' Best Makeup The Rock, in general Best Original Score Your Mom Best Original Screenplay Jamesjames Hornier, 'Emmanuelle Does Debbie Does Dallas' Best Original Song Henrietta Wazz, 'Rubber Sheets' from 'Cry Me To The Moon' Best Original Story No entries whatsoever Best Picture 'The Kiss', by Gustav Klimt Best Sound Editing Trent Reznor, 'Megapants 2' Best Sound Mixing Oh who cares Best Visual Effects Your Mom, again Live Action Short Film 'OMG Kayleigh Climbs Into The Washing Machine Drunk!!'

[hauntedbox]

PLACES TO WHICH YOU MAY BRING THE NOISE

- the seaside - a Tom Jones museum - garden centre - behind a bike shed - indoors - Palermo - a documentary festival - an interesting hedgerow - shopping - a golf superstore - Disneyland Paris - that nice pizza place that just opened up - the basement

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It was best of timmes of.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times": It was the best of "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times", it was the worst of "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times".

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The thigh bone's connected to the Mafia.

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Joe Whatsisname and Mary Whatsername are pleased to announce the birth of their first child, Mary-Jo Whatsername-Whatsisname.

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Just had a Benny Hill moment! (glittering career, followed by death)

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White men can't jufmpj.

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Boy In China Starts Digging At Beach In Hope Of Reaching Europe; Intercepted At Depth Of 300 Feet And Sent To Reformatory For 300 Years

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Arrive at the Christmas party holding a severed penis and say, "You guys, I found a sausage; does anyone want to eat it?" #icebreaker

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SPOILER ALERT: Next year will be the same but different.

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If I see someone laughing, I point at them and say, "You're having a laugh!" Then they stop.

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Remember when they launched an astronaut into a monkey enclosure?

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Do middle-aged men google "nap slaps" when they're looking for excitement?