🐻

Single mom. Boy mom. Domestic violence survivor. Starting over.

[haunybooboo]

Tis the end of the year and I guess I should be on some new year new me bullshit. BUT I’m not.

Instead I’m living in a constant panic attack. I feel sick when I think about facing him in court once again. Defending my decision to keep my children safe and away from a very toxic situation. I wasn’t sure where they would be staying for an extended period of time. It could be with the cousin, the step dad, the new girlfriend. More than likely the new brags about a domestic battery charge on Facebook girls house. Yes she’s almost 40 on social media bragging about dodging a battery charge because they can’t find her… yes I want my children around that. Not to mention he’s unpredictable and in my opinion a flight risk.

Anywho in another my life is a fucking episode of shameless moments. We went and had Christmas dinner with the other baby mama and her family. Which wasn’t awkward at all. Like you’d think. But I need them on my side. As of right now the ex girlfriend after me that he literally did the same shit to is planning to meet me at the courthouse and go with me. Like a whole ass club of women once abused by this same man.

Maybe this is the time he faces the consequences of his actions. And I get peace. But it’ll probably make things much much worse.

I’ve been struggling with all of this, the debt I’m drowning in because surprise he stopped paying child support as well. I miss work one day and now my boss is doing some passive aggressive bullshit to make me feel like dog shit. My best friend ripped me a new one because my life is a shit show.

I don’t even know what to do anymore for the most part. I’m trying to hang on but I’m struggling. Tax time is also so close yet so far away and I hope I can ride this debt out til then.

Here’s to a better year.

[haunybooboo]

In the words of the late Billy Mays: BUT WAIT THERES MORE!

After replacing both wipes.

After replacing the tire after the massive Grand Canyon sized pot hole.

The hot water heater goes out. It never was that hot but I figure it was and old house. Wrong. Old af water heater. Of course being me I panic. Terrified the landlord will be mad. Or I’d have to pay for this.

I expected someone to yell at me or treat me like I’m stupid. Blame me. Ect. But he didn’t. Said it happens.

Now I’m dealing with my ex. The reason I am the way I am. Traumatized permanently. 3 weekends I had the boys. 2 were mine, one was holiday that happened to be mine. That’s how it works. The 4th weekend, last weekend. We had been picked for shop with a cop which was something they so desperately needed. New clothes. It’s hard being a single mama. 3 boys go thru clothes fast. It only took 2 hours. But he refused. Now he’s demanding them Friday for the entire winter break, Christmas, my birthday, new years. And wanting me to drive 2hrs to meet him. He up and moved randomly over the summer. I should not be required to make that trip. I didn’t up and leave everything behind, whore around and abandon my kids for months and pets forever. I’m consistent. Now he’s threatening and screaming and taking me to court. Wants full custody. He’s done playing.

I hate him so much.

Anyway I’m struggling badly since the unexpected expenses. I’m scared. And I’m desperate. I have to stay a float. For them!

PayPal - unheardmusic

Venmo - misfitmandalynn

If ya want to donate to the can the bitch catch a break fund?

[haunybooboo]

Tis the season. Bah humbug.

Not entire sure why I look ALOT younger than I am but I guess I’ll take it? I’ll be 39 on the 22nd…

The struggle continues for those following.

Everytime I take a step forward life is like NAH you need more bullshit.

Moving with zero help was costly. Financially and physically draining. Considering I’m 103 pounds on a bad day. But I did it. While the ex was keeping the children hostage in an attempt to get away with stealing an Xbox he didn’t pay for from our child but whatever I get it. Spence got a new Xbox and I paid for it? Again?

Then winter hits and I’m NOT a fan of driving on snow. But I’m trying. And well in a week I had to replace my windshield wipers. Both of them. And after that I hit a massive Grand Canyon size pot hole..

Thankfully my rim is on but the tire isn’t and I’m on a donut because it will be a while before I can afford a whole new tire.

On top of that I can’t afford most of the insane ass bills because I get no assistance and sperm donor won’t help at all. Just causes more problems and issues.

Anywho. Felt kind of cute, thought I’d ask for a $1 or $5 ha. No judgements. Just a single mama trying to get thru the holidays.

PayPal - unheardmusic

Venmo - misfitmandalynn

[haunybooboo]

Updates of sorts.

Somehow I pulled it off. Down to the wire. With little over a week to be out of the apartment. I can’t remember exactly what I posted on a local Facebook group but I found a private landlord willing to work with me.

Unfortunately I know absolutely no one one. One lady at work and her husband is help load a U-Haul one time. And this guy that’s been chasing me for a minute helped but at a price… whatever. I know my worth clearly.

This was right before fall break so I originally intended for the boys to be home to help with the move. BUT my oldest just had a birthday. His father originally didn’t want them for fall break but he got our son a new Xbox. Which is great. I figured I’d take the old one I had paid for and use it til his youngest brother can play it. Or I’d pawn it because shit times are tough. Oh no. He decided he gets to keep that old one even tho I paid for it. He tried to gaslight and say he paid for it or that it came from a goodwill and to quit throwing a fit over a $40 Xbox. Until I provided the receipt and that shut him down briefly.

Before the weekends over he decides he wants to go by the book and fall break is his break blah blah blah.

Then his mom died. I let it go. Obviously I’m not a monster. Their other grandma just passed away, they can stay the week and I’ll be moved when they come back home.

The Xbox still hasn’t returned home. He’s been on a warpath with threats. Refusing to coparent. Or help financially.

And I’m struggling because moving was expensive. Especially when I had to miss work resulting in missed pay. Now I’ve just had my youngest child’s birthday. Thanksgiving is coming up. Xmas. Bills. I can’t catch a break. 😩

Anyone wannna support a single mama? $1 at a time or $5. 🤷‍♀️

PayPal- unheardmusic

Venmo -misfitmandalynn

Don’t use cash app!

The struggle is real and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of having to deal with my abuser because parental rights are more important that child safety. Seeing one parent continually beat down the other isn’t healthy for a child to witness.

I’m rambling…

[haunybooboo]

Why do I make these faces? Why haven’t I cut that lock off? Why do I now set an alarm to be sure I wake up at 3am just to enjoy the silence?

Nobody knowsssss. Except maybe Depeche Mode.

I guess I started this and never finished it…

And I guess I shall finish it now. Of course who knows what I had to say when I started this but anywho

Current crisis: Eviction.

I assumed the assistance we received was going to cover September too. It did not. And I did not know this until a sherif was at my door. I never got a 10 day notice to quit which I’m pretty sure is law here but I know I can’t win against this rental company. Swear they’ve been trying for 3 years to throw us out and this time I give up.

I’ve had help before. Numerous times. I have no other options left. I cannot afford this apartment. Being a single mom is hard. Especially when you THINK your gonna be ok and something bad happens and you cannot recover

- random final $2000 electric bill that belonged to your ex husband under your name

- moms death. being off work. Paying out of pocket for some of the things.

- car accident. being off work. Paying for Ubers. Still paying on totaled car

I cannot catch a break.

On top of that. The guy I was talking to which I honestly just felt would be good for the boys and I. Just not physically attractive..which is awful? I don’t know. Regardless he dipped quick because

“Where does trauma end and desire begin” aka you are beyond fucked up from the bullshit ex husband.

Literally destroyed me and gets to live his best life. Running away after he runs up bills, and finds his next victim. Because he cannot be alone. There has to be someone. Then he runs off with them and starts a whole new life and buys her a jeep and he has a jeep and a motorcycle. With loans of course that will eventually be too much.. but he lives his best fucking life and I’m left trying to pick up pieces of my life.

I have court tomorrow. I hope they give us a little longer. At this point I don’t care if we find a one bedroom and shove everything in storage. We’ve done it before.

But here’s to hoping:

- we get more time to find somewhere else because this is just too much.

- we find somewhere else to go because a motel is an option but not ideal

- a miracle happens.

IF by chance you want to help a dumbass single mom. I don’t use cashapp anymore but PayPal is Unheardmusic and venmo is misfitmandalynn

[haunybooboo]

Life is weird sometimes.

In June I totaled the Suburu.

In July we almost lost our apartment. But it was saved at the last minute.

Meanwhile in a panic I apply for a rent to own trailer. Actually get approved, ready to sign. Just need down payment. Which I didn’t have YET

In the end I chose the apartment so we signed another lease. The trailer would have been much cheaper BUT at the time I had no vehicle. There wasn’t anywhere near by we could walk to. Coworkers were not willing to make that drive to pick me up and take me home.

On a whim decided to try a car lot. Not having a vehicle was getting to me. Plus I work on one side of town, we live and they go to school on the other side. Like 20 minute drive. If something happened I couldn’t get to them fast enough.

Anyway I was approved and it’s alot more than I wanted to pay but I have wheels again and it feels amazing. Like my independence is back again.

But yeah weird. Weirdest summer in general.

Also in the mix of all of this I slept with my ex husband, got stuck in my feelings again. Trauma bonds are stupid. Then ended up with his pit bull which we couldn’t handle and had to rehome. Two pets. Dog made three. I couldn’t risk our home.

Am I missing anything? Probably.

My life is a fucking trip.

[haunybooboo]

I’m not sure why my face looks different here. Lack of glasses, make up? Who knows.

This summer has been a huge series of bad events half the time and a blur the rest.

Obviously we begin with wrecking my car. Total loss. Not my fault. Shit insurance. No rental. No new vehicle. Luckily I’ve gotten by so far by the help of my coworkers. But how long till it’s an inconvenience?

Then we almost lost our apartment. The ripple effect of the accident. The uncertainty from beginning of July to the beginning of August was insane. I had the help of the local family services group. But it was up in the air until the last minute because after all was said and done the apartments management was like we need everything til August paid. They advocated for us and literally hours before we had a sheriff at our door we were told it was ok.

Before that I had found a trailer and was approved for the loan. Stupid low payments. Great deal. I just needed help with the down payment and I got it but they dragged everything out that by the time they were ready to close we decided it was best we stay put. Without a vehicle that would put us in a very isolating spot.

In the mix of all of this. The ex and his girlfriend broke up. For real this time and at one point a lapse in better judgement he stayed the night when he dropped the boys back off. I was almost sucked back into his bullshit but he showed his true colors once again very quickly. He then proceeded to dump his pit bull on me knowing it’s a 2 pet policy and we have 2 cat. I tried but I can’t do it, I’m not risking our home. And I can’t handle a big dog. Plus he’s not once paid me for the crate, her food, looking after her. And when I tell him this he flips out. Tells me to call his ex to come get her and once again the ex and I realize he’s a toxic piece of shit because he does the same shit to both of us. She is coming for dog tomorrow.

But I also had help from other sources and I’ve held on to it. Minus using some money to get the boys ready for school. After a promise to help from father never happened once again. Whatever.

Ugh this is long and I’m getting tired but.

Anyway I’m using the money I’ve been saving to put towards septembers rent. And I’ve budgeted and I think if I’m smart I can totally pull it off. Live her another year., get another vehicle, fix credit and get a home loan.

I ramble alot. I’m sorry.

[haunybooboo]

I am getting absolutely nowhere. Why do I even bother trying? There’s obviously a reason no one will help me and here I am being a piece of shit asking for help.

2 days. That’s all we have left.

[haunybooboo]

Picture for attention. Trying to get enough for a down payment to a trailer. Our apartment living has turned into a nightmare and we’re desperate to get moved in before school starts next week.

Please. Anything helps. I don’t have many people to ask or that would be willing to help. The only real family I had passed away last year.

Donate to Amanda Haun

Help support Amanda Haun by donating or sharing with your friends.

[haunybooboo]

The end is near.

[haunybooboo]

Sharing again. Maybe I haven’t shared here. I’m not sure but anyway.

Mom desperate. I’m a single mom and I need a vehicle. I’m dealing with other things too but the vehicle could help me make more money to solve my other crisis 😩

Donate to Help This Mom Get Back on the Road, organized by Amanda Haun

On June 16th I was involved in a car accident. Nothing major but enough to total my car… Amanda Haun needs your support for Help This Mom Ge

[haunybooboo]

*Pic for attention. Obviously not the 4th anymore.

The past month has been interesting. Nauseating. Mindfucking and I am hanging by a thread.

It started with the car accident that left my car totaled and long story short I was an idiot. I apparently misunderstood the type of insurance I was paying for on top of the loan. Basically I’m screwed for the time being.

Their father calls seems different for a split second almost had me fooled. He left his girlfriend claiming she was so abusive to him. And somehow this left him not wanting the kids for several weeks in a row. The girlfriend’s mom got a hold of me turns out he abused her the same way he did me. On top of that learning about the abuse the boys got. How badly he had hurt our oldest once. Plus the proof.

Now he’s mad at both of us. Doesn’t exactly ask for the boys just asks when I am going to stop keeping them from him. I explained my concerns. He said “ok dude” and threatened court.

At some point someone called DCS over those two fighting in front of the boys. I speak up about concerns for boys safety, she agree. Until today he puts on his fake crying that he’s being abused and we’re making up lies. Supposedly they believe it. I don’t even know but I’m over it.

On top of that. We had a new manager at the apartments that was from hell. I understand she has to file because I was late. I found a source to help me catch up and it’s taking a bit longer. I don’t think they’ll get it taken care of by Friday. They’ve since fired the awful manager but still won’t budge on the eviction. And without the funding thru tanf I can’t catch this up before court.

It’s all so much. In between trying to solve my housing crisis and the car. I know I’m a burden on my coworkers and if I could get something else? I’d work 3 jobs. I can’t lose my boys.

I know you don’t know me but if you care to help a single mama out I’d appreciate it.

https://gofund.me/aea6574e

Donate to Help This Mom Get Back on the Road, organized by Amanda Haun

On June 16th I was involved in a car accident. Nothing major but enough to total my car… Amanda Haun needs your support for Help This Mom Ge

[haunybooboo]

Offering to help then asking for nudes in order to get said help.

Yeah… that’s what I need right now to creeped on by men at my lowest.

[haunybooboo]

When one car accident ruins your life.

I cannot overcome this one.

[haunybooboo]

Well this happened. Yesterday. I’m ok. Shook. Without a car now. Scared. Might lose the boys if the ex finds out. Even tho this was not my fault at all.

I’m at a loss. My insurance was only collateral. I wasn’t aware. I just know I paid more on the car to have their insurance.

The at fault drivers insurance will be getting back to me soon. By Friday. Until then I’m out of work. Without a vehicle. Unable to get the boys this weekend. No one covers the tow yard fees. It’s at $250 today and goes up $50 a day after that. I have to get it out today. And I’ve got everything but the payment figured out.

It never ends.

If you can help. I’d appreciate it. I know once again I ask for your financial assistance. 😩

It’s gotta get better right

Help support Amanda Haun by donating or sharing with your friends.

[haunybooboo]

Not exactly 3am yet but once again I’m lonely.

Not exactly a romantic lonely either.

Just lonely in general. At home I’ve got my boys but…they’re kids and boys. At work I have a few I open up to but mostly work related. Of course all my family is a few hours away along with my best friend.

I’m craving human interaction. A conversation on the phone. A walk in the park. A hug. A companion to do things with.

But..how do you make friends at my age. Pushing 40. Single mom of 3 boys.

Plus my life is not exactly for the faint of heart, chances are if your not scared off by the Jerry springer meet shameless episodes of my life, then my ex will shut it down.

The other day while checking in a vendor at work we had some friendly banter. Talked about energy drinks and contacts going blurry. Just basic bullshits. But I enjoyed that and I want more. Just someone do shoot the shit with. And it’s fucked up but lately I’m even dreaming of my ex. Being hugged. Kisses.

But no. I just get my shit and go home. Be it work or the grocery store. I’m rambling. I almost called one of those “how’s my driving” numbers on the back of work vehicles just to have someone to chat with.

I’m Amanda and I’m pathetic 😩

[haunybooboo]

Being the safe parent can be extremely draining and hard but the moments like this make it all so worth it.

The boys came home Friday after a week with sperm donor. Plans were to go to the strawberry festival but all 3 of them came back so filthy and smelly. The smell was awful. Especially on a 30 minute drive.

Had to get them bathed. Spence the preteen that fights me over showering willingly wanted one.

Then they were starving of course so had to feed them. And no matter what it’s never enough. I mean they are growing boys. But I also know they don’t get much while they are gone.

And then the meltdowns…worse with the youngest. At one point I wanted to break down and cry with em. But who knows how it is at their father’s house. With sometimes 5 other kids there.

One being a random female child the same age as my oldest. That came from an abusive/drug home. She stayed there. Convinced idiots to move her ill mom in. Mom moves in meth head dad and they catch their house on fire. Idiots throw them out. File for guardianship of this girl. They weren’t even away of her age till after the fact. Anyway lot of drama including their tires being slashed.

They’ve gone out and gotten this girl her own phone. She has her own room so my middle child no longer has his own space. Sharing with the youngest. Buying her clothes. Things.

Meanwhile not helping with clothes/school supplies for the boys. Not remembering their birthday. Or it goes pushed to the side in favor of her kids or this girl. Could have gotten his own child a phone so he can keep in touch. But no.

And “can you imagine your parents adopting some random kid and expecting you to treat them like family?”

The boys aren’t exactly okay with the idea obviously and neither am I. Simply based on the house fire and slashed tires. I’m afraid my children might get hurt in the mix of all this.

But what do I do. Courts believe every child needs their father in their life. Even when they can be as toxic as my ex. And not just this either. Forcing them to call his still married to her husband girlfriend “mom”. I know it confuses this little monkey on my back here. He’s only 5. And there’s nothing more gut punching that hearing your baby. Your rainbow baby. Call some other woman mom. The same woman that ruined our family with his help..

Anywho only one still awake. The teen of course. Game all night, sleep all day. But it’s quiet and I need to get to sleep and hope this was the final time waking up randomly.