Aru Panda

Texas gurl with a love for cars and girls

[funnymemes-and-kinkydreams]

It's a very hard thing to endure but ya get through

[dankcptsdmemes]

[khannnnnnnnnn]

If there is a higher power, just give me a break and let me stop breathing. I can’t fucking do this anymore. It physically hurts to exist.

[hellyeahsickaf]

I’ve been thinking about how much trauma comes with chronic illness

Typically, medical trauma is associated with things such as accidents and serious complications that aren’t chronic. But I think being chronically ill traumatizes us so much more than we think it does. It doesn’t typically feel like trauma, as we most of us have forgotten what it’s like not to suffer. 

We often struggle with 

Invalidation from those around us, doctors, and over time ourselves. This makes us feel crazy and like we aren’t doing enough when we’re trying our best. 

Being denied medication, experiencing side effects from various medications, and severe withdrawals when needing to change medications.

Feeling pressured to overwork ourselves to survive in a society not made with us in mind.

Lack of accessibility.

Complications with insurance and constant phone calls, waiting anxiously for them to be returned. 

Judgement, even from strangers. They may think you don’t look sick enough, or you may get stares or see them trying not to look at you. Your self esteem may be affected if you can’t be looked at as just another person. 

Being let down. It is not uncommon to get your hopes up for treatment options or an appointment, only to be let down in some way or another.

The pain in itself, fatigue, and other symptoms. Being in a perpetual state of discomfort. Getting used to it doesn’t mean that it’s easy to cope with.

Acceptance that you may be, or will be like this forever as you watch others live normal lives and do normal things. 

Isolation and loneliness, and feeling incompatible with society. Humans aren’t solitary by nature, and it will always affect our mental states when alone for too long. Introverted or not, lack of interaction or relatability is damaging over time.

A much higher likelihood of abuse.

Learning details of your illness that are difficult to cope with. This can include mortality rates, low recovery rates, degeneration, lowered life expectancy, heightened risk for further complications, etcetera.

Mourning the life we could have had. It’s said that this is legitimate grief. Denial of your illness(es), anger towards the world, mistreatment from society, or the unfairness of your situation, bargaining and trying everything to cure yourself or try remedy after remedy, depression, and hopefully acceptance eventually. 

Additionally, having to give up any aspirations, goals, or plans you may have had before you were sick/disabled. If you aspired to do something you love like dancing and have to give that up and settle for something you may not genuinely enjoy or no career at all, that’s difficult. You feel like you’ll never amount to anything and are a burden.

Self blame and guilt. Shame that we may need to be dependent on others. Wanting to be our own people but not being able to because we can’t do everything alone.

Hospital visits.

Knowing that there are eugenicists that wholeheartedly believe that your life has no value (it does). 

The stress of awaiting test results. Negative ones making us anxious, and positive ones possibly being heartbreaking too. 

Testing in itself, often uncomfortable, scary, and nerve wracking. 

Being infantilized and treated like babies. Sometimes baby talked to, patronized, or clearly not seen with mutual respect as an adult (or teen).

Others feeling that they know your body or needs better than you do. 

Fearing the worst during flu season and of course, a serious pandemic. Namely if your immune system is compromised. 

That isn’t everything, and you are free to add to the list. 

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Even if you aren’t trying your best right now, I’m proud of you. Don’t minimize the trauma that you deal with on a daily basis. You’re doing great. 

[quantumkitten93]

😌 I don’t know who’s fronting & I don’t feel like anything is real ✌🏻

[rybesome]

Some thoughts on trauma, healing, and self-forgiveness.

[findinglittleone]

[tetriminoe]

Listen, as a chronic pain disabled person I wanna clear something up. When we grunt, groan, swear under our breath say oh my God we're not trying to get out of what we're doing or guilt you. If we couldn't do it wed fucking say no ( or you need to evaluate why this disabled person in your life fears telling you no so much they'll put themselves in pain)

Your guilt is not our problem, just fucking ignore us we make noises. You're actually making us feel like shit when you point it out and like we can't show our pain in any capacity.

Abled people feel free to rb this

[misterindecisive]

“I’m a paramedic, but nobody taught me how to sit an 86 year old gentleman down to tell him his wife of 65 years has died in her sleep. Nobody taught me how to watch as the desire for life leaves his eyes the moment I break the earth shattering news that would change his life forever. Nobody taught me how to accept a torrent of abuse from a complete stranger, just because they have been drinking all day and want a lift home. Nobody taught me how to reason with the aggressive patient I’ve just met; overdosed, but needing my help to breathe. Nobody taught me how to talk to someone so depressed that they have just slit their own wrists, panicked and called for help. Nobody taught me how to respond when they turned to me and said “I can’t even get suicide right”. Nobody taught me how to bite my tongue when I went 2 hours over my finish time for someone who’d been ‘generally unwell’ for 24 hours. Nobody taught me how to accept that I would miss out on things other people take for granted; birthdays, Christmas day, meals at normal times of the day, sleep. Nobody taught me how to hold hands with a dying person as they take their last breath, how to hold back the tears because it’s not my grief. Nobody taught be how to keep a straight face whilst a young man explains exactly what happened to the end of his hoover. Nobody taught me how to act when a patient pulls a knife on me. Being a paramedic is so much more than swooping in and saving lives; it’s about dealing with the most unique, challenging experiences and just going home at the end of the shift, being asked ‘how was your day’ and replying ‘fine thanks’. Being a paramedic is about constantly giving a bit of yourself to every patient, because although it’s our 5th patient of the day and we can’t remember their name it’s their first ambulance, their loved one, their experience. It’s about the bits that nobody taught me how… It’s about providing pain relief and reassurance to a 90 year old lady who’s fallen and hurt her hip, and despite all the pain she turns and says “Thank you, how are you?”. It’s about a hug that you give someone on Christmas Day because they haven’t spoken to anyone for days, they have no relatives or companions but you’ve brightened up their day. It’s about climbing in the car next to someone and saying ‘Don’t worry, we’ll have you out of here in just a moment’ It’s about everything that we do that the media doesn’t publicize, It’s about knowing that we couldn’t attend to the dying man because we were dealing with a drunk… who then assaulted one of us. I’m a Paramedic, But Nobody Taught Me How…”

— Julia Cornah

[bloodonthehorizon]

It’s so easy to fool yourself into thinking you’re better and then relapse just as easily.

[duhtrinity]

the education system

(these are my poems, my dms and ask are always open to anyone)

[memes-to-show-my-therapist]

[succ-prince]

reminder that many abuse victims get triggered by anger, whether it’s directed at them or not. please be mindful of your actions

[defectivegembrain]

Seriously you see in media time and time again workplace abuse is treated like a joke and normalised like oh everyone has a terrible boss. But it's not okay! I personally know multiple people whose mental health has been severely damaged by it.

[sadallthedamntime-blog]

[0nly-an-illusi0n]

“I’ve stopped wanting things because wanting leads to disappointment.”

—

[thebrokengenderqueer]