Ah, Gone. Regretfully.

My normal blog will be for those who know me. This is for me. I discuss past experiences, good music, and answer the occasional ask. My inner thoughts and actions will be expressed.

[hazedanddazed]

You've been gone for two weeks :c

Ah, if only it had actually been that long anon. I’m so sorry! But, I’m back now! :D

[hazedanddazed]

Times Infinity - Mexicolas

Oldie but a goodie. Enjoy ~

[hazedanddazed]

I haven't been to your blog in years, but I was listening to music on 8tracks and came across Makeout by Faze Wave. It suddenly reminded of your blog and of the urge to read it. Thankfully, my url bar still remembers the address. I used to read your story religiously and always fell in love with your music selection. I'm glad you still post and hope that you have been well :)

This makes me so happy. I’m so glad that you came back to read it. I hope it’s just as good as you remember. 

To everyone else - I apologize I’ve been gone for so long! I wasn’t able to get into my account :( but I’m back! And stay tuned! I’ll be posting more again. 

[hazedanddazed]

In love with ur blog. Like in lovve.

Thanks anon! That makes me so glad to hear :) Also, check back for the rest of that night. I didn’t realize this post would turn out so long, but oh well. 

[hazedanddazed]

Disfigured Integration.

I walked through the doors behind Adam, and as soon as he sat down, I saw a black room, illuminated by white smoke and lines on lines. Adam had four lines laid out before him. I hoped he wasn’t going to do all four. But, I couldn’t stop him. That was the first moment I truly regretted our deal. 

He lowered his head to the table, and as he was lifting his finger to one side of his nostril, a “waitress” lifted a hand in my face with a line laid out on a tray for me.

“Are you just gonna stand there?” She asked provocatively, gesturing to the tray in her hand. 

I didn’t want coke. I needed something potent but something that would last. I tried to get one last look at Adam, but too many people were moving between us. I looked at the tray in her hand once more and quickly turned to leave the room. 

A strange feeling began to swell inside, bubbling up right from my gut. Like I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be. I realized I was perfectly sober. 

I went straight back to the kitchen and immediately poured myself a shot, hoping I’d grabbed the same stuff Adam had before. I hated mixing liquors. I downed it without a thought, and quickly poured another.  

“Woah,” a voice came. “Take it easy there,” I turned my head to see a man smirking at me. But, just beyond him, I saw a familiar blonde head. 

“Josh!” I exclaimed, as I flung into his arms. He grasped me, and his embrace was encompassing and warm. 

“You know James?” he asked when we separated.

“Ahhhh-” I turned back to the man. He was handsome. I smiled, “James, I take?”  

He held out the shot I poured, along with one for himself. “It’s nice to meet you.” We clicked glasses and took our shots. The burn was good. 

“Another?” I was desperate. But, I knew if I was going to get high, I couldn’t go too crazy with the alcohol. He hadn’t responded yet, so I told them both to hold on. 

I ran around the house searching for my pills...percocets would do. I wanted a wild high. Not the chill daze my oxy placed over my head. I headed up one flight of stairs, but couldn’t seem to find the room. I swung open a door on my left. Sex room. I turned to the door to my right. Another sex room. I heard someone shouting and turned. Yes, I thought. It was the bags of drugs coming around. 

“Percocets?” I asked. 

She flung a bag full of them at me. Wow, I thought. That was a lot. 

“And oxy,” I figured I might as well get as much as I could. 

She gave me a bag of those too. She didn’t even seem to care. 

“Sweet,” I muttered. I popped a couple of percocets and went back downstairs to wait for them to kick in. I figured it wouldn’t hurt if I grabbed a beer while I was waiting. Just to sip on. 

I went outside to see who was playing on the stage. I went to open the door, but someone opened the door for me. 

“Ladies first,” he smiled. It was James. 

“Thank you,” I said, mocking the charm in his voice. 

I recognized the band. It was the best band in town. The kids went to my rival high school. They were slightly intimidating, but I could feel the drugs beginning to kick in. And when I was high, nothing was intimidating. 

“So how do you know Josh?” 

I’d forgotten James was there. I explained to him about Adam and Nicole. “I’ve never seen you before though...” I trailed off, giving him room to explain how he knew Josh. Apparently, they’d gone to high school together. 

I turned back to the stage, and suddenly noticed that there was also a lower placed stage. A stage for people to go dance on. I couldn’t help but laugh. 

Towards the back of the crowd, there were fewer people, and it was closer to the woods. I went back, and James followed. 

“Are we having the same thoughts or are you following me around?” I questioned him. 

He chuckled, “What, I can’t hang out with you?” I stared, and he continued, “Josh has mentioned you a few times. I just wanted to get to know you a little better.” 

That sounded pretty normal. I shrugged. “Look,” I spoke, “It’s a better show from back here,” as I finished, I turned back to the stage. It seemed only then that I was really able to get a good look. There was a bonfire in the middle of the crowd, and now there were people dancing on the lower stage in front of the band. 

The band themselves were amazing. “Let’s go in!” I exclaimed, turning to James. 

“In?” He was confused. 

“In! To the mosh pit!” I laughed. 

He didn’t look convinced, but I was feeling my high, and I just wanted to jump around the whole night. I jumped into the mosh pit head first. I wasn’t really moshing, but I definitely was not the only one who looked absolutely insane. Hands and fists were flying all over, and I had to be careful to dodge the ones that came too close to the face. The chorus came and we all, even the dancers, lifted our hands and shouted the lyrics at the band. Our voiced flooded the air, we must have been heard by the neighbors. But the band continued and the mosh pit only grew. 

When the song finally ended, I wondered where Adam was. The next song suddenly started and it was hardcore from the beginning. The most pit was harder to keep up with. I looked for an opening to leave the slamming fists, but the pit had seemed to grow larger. I lunged for an opening I saw between two black heads of hair. My high was so strong that my jump through them felt like a leap six feet into the air, and I was flying to the other side. But of course, being high, I didn’t gauge it right, and I ended up falling flat on my face because really, humans can’t fly. 

I lay there on the ground, but I didn’t really feel anything. My head still felt great! I just wanted to keep jumping around. But then I realized I had meant to find Adam. I went back inside, and as I caught people’s glances, none of them were Adam. I needed some water, and I realized I’d lost the bags of pills. I groaned. I ran upstairs to find the girl again, but ended up finding the original bag she had of them in a corner next to the stairs. Perfect, I thought, laughing to myself. I grabbed a couple and placed went back downstairs to find a place to put them. But, I had no idea where would be a safe place. 

Back in the kitchen, I figured I could go check the cocaine room to see if Adam was still there. Still high, I literally ran into the room calling for Adam. The faces that greeted me looked annoyed and angry and I couldn’t help but giggle. I stepped back and felt a rock hard surface behind me. I turned and stared up to find a pair of wild silver eyes peering down at me. 

“Are you alright?” Ah, the cadence in his voice was mesmerizing. 

I laughed, “Oh, Adam, you worry too much.” 

“No,” he gestured to me, “What happened to you?” 

I stared down and realized I had dirt all over my clothes, I guessed from falling earlier. 

“You’re bleeding,” Adam said. Even though he sounded concerned, he wasn’t weird about it this time. 

I looked down and my legs were pretty bloody. 

“Come on,” Adam grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom. 

“Adam, no!” I didn’t want to go with him to the bathroom. “Let’s go back outside! We can dance and jump - it’s so much fun!” 

He shook his head, but a smile played around his lips. It was then that I noticed there was someone following us. A girl. I looked over at her, confused. 

Adam saw that I’d noticed. “Um, this is Rayna...” He trailed off. 

I looked up at Adam and back at her. “Hi,” I was short. And I also didn’t want to be there anymore. I turned to the mirror in the bathroom, brushed off as much of the dirt as much as I could and dabbed at the scrapes on my legs. “There,” I said to Adam, slightly more forceful than I would have liked and I ran out (literally) back through the house until I made it back outside. 

The fire from the bonfire had spread. The entire area around the stage seemed to be in flames. And it was magnificent.

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[hazedanddazed]

“I’m not happy here anymore...”

[hazedanddazed]

I’ll be good.

Just got tired of writing ha - I’ll finish in the next post. Also, thanks for the follow to all new and old followers. I really appreciate it :) Happy reading. 

Edit: Nearly done with next post. SO tired tonight. Hopefully will get posted tomorrow night. 

[hazedanddazed]

Fighting Resistance.

I got back home around 6. I rushed to eat dinner and practice piano. Around 8 I began my homework and rushed through it. Honestly, I didn’t give a damn about whatever math I was doing, or for that matter, what the anatomy of a frog had to do with anything. After I finished my homework, which took roughly an hour and a half, I turned back to my piano. All I wanted to do was get lost playing it. I wanted my fingers to get lost in the black and white keys, and my mind to flow as if on waves, floating in the sea. I wanted to transform the notes into beautiful sounds, telling a story. 

So I sat and played. And the noise in my head transferred through the curves of my fingers to a beautiful Chopin piece that quite literally stole my breath. And I played and played for a couple more hours. I waited for Adam to realize that, with the light off in my room, he would have to come around to the front. It didnt’ take him long. I saw a rock hit the window, and I gave a grim smile. It was time. 

I swung the door open quietly, taking care not to wake anyone. 

The night air was cool on my face as we ran to his car. I jumped in as he made his way around the front. He jumped in, closing the door behind him, “This one’s gonna be fun,” he whispered with the thickest of accents. 

I looked over at him and smiled. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. 

I knew my face had given me away. But it was so hard not to get excited looking at him. “Nothing,” I smiled, again, a real smile this time. “I’m excited,” I assured him.

He started the car, and we slowly left. Anderson’s place wasn’t too far, and it was in a very nice neighborhood. We arrived just after midnight, and it was already packed. We had to drive around a block to park, which wasn’t a big deal. I was excited to get to his backyard. Anderson’s backyard was basically a forest. And he had a clearing in the middle with a stage, where a band would usually play. 

Adam and I both walked around to the back of his car and stared at the house. It looked wild. I could see people jumping, throwing things, and the music was blasting. We looked over at each other. He had the darkest smile on his face, and his eyes shone a deeper silver, nearly gray. I wondered what he was thinking. 

We entered Anderson’s house and it was a madhouse. A girl was on all fours climbing down the stairs. I didn’t even want to know what she was on. I figured it was best to not immediately lose Adam. 

“A drink?” I asked Adam, before he could leave.

He peered down at me. “Sure.” 

I grabbed two solo cups, but he went for the shot glasses. “Let’s just make it shots, shall we?”

“Yeah,” I quickly said, shaking my head. “Sure,” I smiled. 

He poured out something...was it scotch? “To one hell of a night,” he said, still smiling.

I stared at him as took his shot, and I hurried to throw mine back. It was strong, but nothing I couldn’t handle. 

“I’m gonna go-” he started. He didn’t have to finish. “Well, you know where I’m going,” he laughed. 

He went into the coke room, and for the first time, I decided to go with him.  

[hazedanddazed]

Fractures.

Note: This post makes reference to a previous post. Also, names have been changed.

Adam, I don’t want to go. The words were easy to think, but for some reason, harder to say. There was a party happening that night. The largest of the year at the largest house in town. It was supposed to be the party of the year with the best of the best drugs. I don’t know why I didn’t want to go. I guess I was just tired of them at that point. Of the parties, of the people, of the sex that seemed to happen just in plain sight all the time. 

“So...does 11:30 work?” I jumped a little at Adam’s voice. He was staring at me with a quizzical expression, waiting for me to respond. 

“Why are you trying to change the time?” I asked, my voice slightly annoyed. 

“Because it’s Anderson’s party!” 

I almost laughed. He was so serious. “Well, I can’t make that, and you know that. Make it midnight, and I’m there.” I was stern, but he went for it. 

“Fine,” he was slightly defeated, but he really did know better. “Midnight it is, my lady.” And there it was. His voice, his accent. It was in those certain phrases that I would remember the pleasant cadence to his voice. He never knew, of course, for I’d never tell, but I’d always have to take a second look back at him to make sure he was still the same boy. 

I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts. It was about 6 PM. “I’m starving!” I stood quickly, signaling to him it was time to get food. 

We ended up at the McDonald’s drive-thru with Adam flirting with the lady through the monitor. I couldn’t help but laugh at his voice. “How you doin’ suga, suga?” 

The lady laughed, and he continued. “Might it be alright if we got a couple McDoubles, suga pie?” I have no idea why I thought it was so funny. Maybe because of how absurd he sounded. Maybe because I was high. Probably both. We ended up at the train tracks within minutes. We wandered through wilderness to get to the clearing. It was already beginning to get dark, and I just wanted a few minutes to look at the stars. We sat on a bench, and I tilted my head back to gaze at a setting sun. 

But, Adam’s mind was always on one thing. “Hold still,” he gently whispered. He laid out a line on the upper edge of my thigh. He placed his hand on my inner thigh and held it steady. My heartbeat quickened, but I wasn’t nervous. It was just Adam. He swiftly inhaled the whole of it, and removed his hand. It burned with the speed at which he had removed it. And as he sniffed the last remains, I closed my eyes and sighed relief, turning my head back to the sky. I willed my heart to slow its pace again. The magnificent view was nearly gone, but I didn’t care. I just wanted the night. I wanted the stars. I wanted to see them move like they had before. To dance in motions and vibrations. Hungrily, I stared at the stars. 

I looked over to see if Adam was staring, too, but he had opted to laying on the ground. I laughed, but he was just as intently staring at the sky. With all the wonder in those silver eyes. All the wonder. I used to crave to know what those eyes saw. I used to crave to know what those eyes touched. Adam was no normal being. He was incredible - incredibly different. But I had to remind myself that I knew what those eyes saw. And heard. And felt. And I had to remember it was the most magnificent sight I’d seen in my life.  

[hazedanddazed]

I just recently started following you and I am reading your posts from the start. I was wondering, I was reading the post "Constance Through" and did Adam overdose? I love him so much I don't want anything to happen to him.

I really can’t say, anon. I was afraid at the time that he had. But, looking back on it, no, I don’t think that he did. I think he was just extremely depressed and just so completely out of it. He couldn’t hear anything anyone was saying to him. I can never forget that night, which is very unfortunate because I don’t ever like to think of Adam as vulnerable, and that night, he was literally hanging on by a thread. 

[hazedanddazed]

Oh, God, I love you.

I walked over to Adam’s house one afternoon. We were going to a party later that night, but I wanted to hang out with him some before leaving. It had been awhile since we jammed, so I thought it would be perfect.

When I finally got to his place, I saw his truck sitting out front. I opened the front door - there was no need to knock - and headed through the rattled and disorganized kitchen to his room. Before I even entered, I could hear the soft acoustic notes coming from his guitar. It was as though he read my mind.

He was already playing one of my favorites. I wanted to join, so I handed him a capo. He gave me a slight smirk, but placed it on the strings.

He started from the beginning, and I closed my eyes. It wasn’t a sad song, per se, and the beginning really wasn’t anything special, but it was raw. The guitar was harsh, Adam’s fingers rough. I opened my mouth and the delicate sound was enough to pleasantly contrast the sounds.

But Adam could sing with such emotion and it made the chorus. I stomped on the ground and his desk for bits of the song to provide more emphasis to the most intense parts, to give more meaning to his words and the sound.

I came back for the second verse, and half-yelling, I poured myself into the words. If you buy this, I promise, you’re gonna like the way it makes you feel. The words summed up my life since meeting Adam. They summed up my existence. We screamed the end - Adam’s voice swallowed mine, it was so intense. It ended with a strum of his guitar and his fading voice.

When it was over, I knew my face was torn. I looked straight ahead to Adam’s face. He was gone. I couldn’t read anything. His glassy silver eyes glossed over, and he seemed to see straight through me. I was holding my breath, for whatever reason, and I finally let it out.

But, I couldn’t help it. It sounded so good. I didn’t know what it did to Adam to play like that. To give himself like that, completely. I was selfish, and I wanted more.

“Another?” I asked, my voice light and somewhat breathy.

He pursed his lips and without a word, he began playing the next song.

[hazedanddazed]

Amber Run - I Found

I miss you more than I thought I would...

[hazedanddazed]

Relapse into the Awakening.

I will not fight this high as my knees quiver and shake,  So good, It feels so good.

Take a seat, it will be easier, But I don’t want to. It screams in my ear,

Finally awakening, Revival,  I feel it. It feels so good.

I don’t know what changed or when it did, But all I want is this forever. To feel this way forever.

But I was hardly living before, What it was you could call a crime. I didn’t want to feel this way forever, but it seems it might be the only way.

And I’m not fighting it, Already I feel my breath being stolen  by the cool night air. I thought I was done with healing.

Can you believe it’s been four years? Your face still breathed life then, White as the snow. I know I should stop, I should sit.

I thought I was done with healing. I thought I was done. I thought I was done with healing. I thought it was over. 

[hazedanddazed]

The Past, Repeated.

I think if you saw me in this moment right now, you might be scared. The bags under my eyes are deep, and the makeup that was around my eyes is now smeared just under them. But I think if you saw me at the time of these stories, you might be even more frightened. I still had bags under my eyes, and sometimes, smeared makeup. But the look in my eyes was one of frenzy. It was chaos and peace at the same time. A deadly peace. A dark peace. I never want to have that sort of peace again. 

I found something that I shouldn’t have. It was dangerous, but it was everything I needed. I found several things, but it was that one in particular. I hope that these stories do not make me long for that dark time again (or any of you for that matter), but I can’t help it. Sometimes it does. Most often it doesn’t. But sometimes, I can only think damn, I wish I was there again. 

I miss it. And I don’t. I haven’t forgotten to write; it’s just been a little harder recently. Please be patient with me. It doesn’t usually take very long :) 

[hazedanddazed]

Let me know what you guys think of this. 

[hazedanddazed]

Dying, to be with You.

I figured I could hold you off, I could keep you from figuring it out, But you were smarter than I -- Than I ever thought you would be.

I thought I could fight you off, That you wouldn’t know it was me hanging over your head, But you were stronger than I --  Than I ever imagined you could be.

And when the smoke wrapped around our bodies I thought I’d never make it out alive. Breathlessly, I called it out, And you stopped in your path.

Turning back, running to me, I quickly turned the other way, I ran as fast as I could, But it wasn’t fast enough.

You caught me, it caught us. “Let me go!” I struggled, And it turned out you echoed the same, “It’s you on me!” I screamed.

But I saw your hands; they were black branches in a moment,  And you transformed into something of the earth, Something I’d never seen, But dirt turned to dust and you were gone like a terrible dream.

[hazedanddazed]

Yay!!! More stories! I love Adam!!!!!!!!! Can I marry him?

I’ll ask him, anon.