Gateau

Illustrator | Animator

[velinxi]

In progress

[Characters from CTC]

[hazelgateau]

Coping Mechanisms: baby steps

Last December 2022, a lapse in my own judgement has caused me to have a somewhat traumatic experience. Recognizing and acknowledging that I’ve brought this about made it all the more unbearable because falling for something like this is very uncharacteristic of me.  I’m quite literally one of the most paranoid people I know. So when someone whose mental fortifications (that’s been built over years of experience) has been infiltrated, this has caused me to question my ability to protect myself--- a skill I’ve honed for decades.   So I changed my phone number, I closed a bank account, I’ve cleaned out a lot of other accounts connected to said phone number and for a good amount of time, I couldn't answer phone calls.   Phone calls would stop me in my tracks. I would stare at my phone when it goes off with an unknown number and I hated myself for this.   I would walk around and see a certain bank that I no longer use and it triggers a small flight response.  You know how your mind protects you from traumatic experiences by blocking out the source? Or by temporarily suspending your memories?  Days go by when I don’t think about it at all.  On really bad days when one little thing triggers the memory, it hijacks my attention and it becomes difficult to think of anything else for the rest of the day.

   I’ve had a few other worse traumatic experiences however because this one was the most recent one, I am still helpless against it.  Because this one was easily avoidable, I saw the red flags clear as day but for some strange reason, I went through with it... this one really did a number on me.   Recently however, I’ve made a decision to start mending this fresh wound.   For whenever anything triggers the memory, I would try not to avoid it and go through them as if they were happening all over again.  I would analyze everything that went wrong and what I could do to make sure it never happens again. I’ve been slowly attempting to rebuild my walls and just a few days ago, I’ve started answering phone calls again.   Although, I still don’t answer calls the same way I used to and I awkwardly keep myself anonymous even in cases when one normally wouldn’t, I’m slowly taking steps to making sure this experience becomes just another distant memory.  

[hazelgateau]

35

I like to joke about feeling like I'm still 28 or 29.  Mostly because in my mind, that's when I still allow myself to make poor choices and terrible mistakes in life.  After that is when I expected to be well put together when I am anything but the sort.  I’m 35. Real. Not clickbait. I accept this because it’s ridiculous not to and everyone’s paths all converge in the end towards the inevitable.  It’s frightening and no one is really in control. It’s difficult to not think we’re just all running around in the dark trying to grasp onto anything at all that makes us feel safe or comfortable.  Admittedly, that’s a lot to take in. So please, if you’re planning on getting me anything for my birthday, just don’t. There’s something else I suggest you do instead.  Focus on yourselves and on the people around you. Sit down with your parents or your children, your friend who you don’t normally see eye-to-eye with, people in your lives that are difficult to deal with but are still important to you.  Have a conversation.  Take this time to try to see from each other’s perspectives. Do something you don’t normally do and reach out.  Seek to understand even just for this moment or instance.  Put everything aside for now.  It doesn’t even have to be a long conversation. Ask how they’re doing and really listen when they open up.  Go outside of how you normally operate and give them a hug or some positive affirmation.  Sometimes it takes just one pivotal moment to trigger a paradigm shift, hopefully for the better. Do this knowing full well that understanding each other doesn’t happen overnight. Do it in confidence.  Don’t post or tweet about it.  Make it a moment that’s entirely between you and the people in your life. Or do something for yourself for once.  Be kind to yourself. If not now then some time this week maybe.  What we do with the limited time we have is entirely up to us.  So if you’re emotionally available for even just 5 minutes, spend it for love.  You’ll never know who needs it and a tiny bit of it can go a long way.

[velinxi]

I know you

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I keep saying to myself in private that greeting fictional characters on their fictional birthdays feel kinda off but... I don’t care anymore.  The stranger behind this model unknowingly kept me company during my darkest hours.  Happy Birthday Fulgur.

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Niji Sketchdump

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I enjoyed experimenting with this. It’s nice to develop two main styles I can render in.  I’m thinking of working on a few more simpler styles for animating shorts whenever I feel too low energy to make fully rendered pieces.  

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Ovidia

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Ocean Breeze

I love afternoon trips to the beach.   We used to drive down to Oceanside after work whenever my former roommates and I would feel particularly tired.  It became a habit to just hang out by the sea.   Once we’ve wandered around separately, I would walk closer to the water, stare into the horizon for a good 30 minutes or until the sun fully sets.  The cold breeze flows through me.  My body never able to adjust to the weather everytime I visit America.  I’m bundled up but still felt like I was freezing.  I would keep staring into the distance as it fills me with a sense of contentment. At that moment, my heart sinks and I have no explanation for it.  I am far from all that troubles me as the sounds of the wind and waves wash out all other noise. At the same time, I felt the lightness of being wash out into the ocean, as if confirming my insignificance in this world. The sensation made me feel vulnerable and yet I welcome it. It felt like an eternity was compressed in that one brief moment.  When I’d come to my senses, I’d start walking back to the car slowly.  

[hazelgateau]

Music by Florence + The Machine “Cosmic Love” Art and Animation by me.

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Character sheet for my comfydantsona, Praxis.

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borg sketch

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Frames from my Starfall Trailer

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Midday Musings

I know that my tumblr account doesn’t get much traction so this gives me the freedom to express 3am contemplation to my heart’s content without needing to worry about character limit.  

I found myself looking back to when I was in highschool where in I adapted a mentality that favours talent over diligence.  Often times I noticed peers putting more value in achieving more with as little effort as possible to the point that kids made a conscious effort to do so and at the time I didn’t question it.  I adapted it and confidently cruised through my highschool years. I took pride knowing I didn’t tryhard and my biggest mistake was carrying that mentality over to university.  It felt like it was all downhill from that point.

It was too late when I realized that all types of people, challenged, average and geniuses alike are supposed to use everything they have at their disposal to go forward in life.  If you’re a bit slow, you worked harder or found a way to navigate around that.  If you were smart and were already ahead, it didn’t automatically mean you could relax the rest of the way.  You were meant to use that advantage to get even further.  All of us were supposed to keep moving not just to chase after our ambitions.  It was also to prepare for any eventual setbacks that will come our way.  

I have many regrets in my lifetime.  Many opportunities I let pass by because I didn’t fully understand how crucial it was to seize them.  I didn’t live day to day like it was my last, rarely ever worrying about my future because I was so confident that future me would have it together.  

[hazelgateau]

Ukikii~

[hazelgateau]

Happy Anniversary to Luxiem!  Here’s to many more years together. Thank you for being my gateway into one of the warmest communities I’ve ever been a part of and I take it all in... all of what makes it great and all its faults.  Among other things, the Nijisanji EN community has kept me going this year. I am truly grateful.