Hey, I wanted to say thank you for being so candid in sharing your journey and struggles. It's helped me a lot with my own. I was wondering if you'd ever share your story about what you think led you to your addiction and when you realized you needed help. If not, that's okay too.
Thanks for your message - the truth is that what happened to me was sort of a “perfect storm” scenario.
Firstly, I’ve always had a bit of an addictive personality (although my grandpa recently told me that I shouldn’t call it that, I’m just driven :) hah). Whether it was Lego, The Simpsons, or building websites as a child, or Walking Dead, video games, and making music as an adult, I have always gone gung-ho into anything I felt was worth my time. Basically, my brain tells me that if something is good in small doses, it must naturally be great in large doses. This set me up to fail in the world of addictions.
Before I go any further, I should stop and say that as a kid I vowed to never drink, smoke, or do any drugs. Seeing my parents addicted to smoking my whole childhood, even while understanding that it was killing them and costing them a fortune gave me the staunch impression that these addictions could never be a good thing. For some reason, it broke my heart every time I saw my dad hold a beer (which was maybe once every 3 or 4 years). For whatever combination of reasons, I hated all substances and swore them off. I kept that vow into my twenties. Okay, moving on.
Secondly, it was the summer of 2011, that a very good friend innocently gave me a sleeping pill after a small group bible study to help me get to sleep before work in the morning. It worked perfectly - but in the 15-20 minutes before I fell asleep, I remember feeling this nice tingling feeling in my stomach. I just felt light and kind of wonderful. I didn’t 100% associate it with the drug and didn’t think about it again for a few weeks. Then on September 25, 2011, something very traumatic happened to me. I can’t share the details, as it would betray someone’s trust whom I love. Suffice it to say, I was devastated that I had let someone down in a huge, huge impactful way and I did not forgive myself (still struggling with it today actually). I couldn’t sleep, and after a few days, I thought back to the pill that my friend gave me. I went to Shopper’s Drug Mart and bought some. I don’t remember if I took too many that night, but I do know that within a couple weeks I was dramatically increasing my dosage.
And that is what sent me down the rabbit hole.
Thanks for your question.
