I decided to write here again, because I havent been journaling. Carrying around a notebook seems burdensome whenever I feel like writing and I dont bring it, and when I bring it I dont feel like writing. So I guess ill have no excuse for an online journal haha! So... oh ya, I blocked all my previous followers cos I want to make this private already. I think there are some things even my closest confidant do not need to see. Also, I dont want him to have the responsibility to always attend to me, because that will make me rely on him too much. I suppose this space will force me to remember and turn to God, which is what it should be... so here goes. I can't seem to know how to make my entire Tumblr private again. I can't find the option. If anyone sees this page, can let me know and help? Thank you. somehow I “post privately” but I can't seem to view it on my page, only drafts and I never touch drafts.
Well hi God, I'm watching show as I type this. LOL. anyway, sigh ive been feeling down. I feel sad thinking that Darren’s fam doesn't like me. But maybe its just in my head. I should not over think. Today I also feel sad because a seller sold an item I wanted. I knew I wouldnt be able to afford it, but I never got a reply on my enquiry. She finally replied in a very deadpan manner, with a statement that offended me. Honestly, I dont mind if I dont get the item, usually I let it go, and I usually congratulate the seller on the sale. But I expected a standard “Oh I'm sorry, I didn't reply, and I sold it” kind of reply. then I replied in a way I thought was fair, and politely. In fact, I thought I should receive an apology, even though I didn't ask for it. the end result? I got blocked!? WHAT? does she hate me? and if she does, WHY? is it because I didn't complete my deal with another dealer and he told her? Did she judge me and never gave me a chance? In my self doubt, and fear, I consulted another seller. Okay Lord, you know la to be honest I just wanted someone to be on my side. I felt like angry that I was treated this way and I guess I wanted someone to be against her too. Anyway, turns out, to my surprise, she thought that MY message was slightly offensive. I dont know how?? Lord, I feel so like WHATONEARTH.... I mean, okay - Maybe I overthink too much at times.... did I read the original seller’s message wrong? because I fully believe that I think you know... its not like I see something and try to think of it in the worst possible light. How come, I’m always wrong? How come I’m wrong when I’m expressing my view and not even blaming? I feel like I'm always wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong and its no one’s fault but mine. WHY? how come I see one thing and everyone else sees a different thing?????? its so frustrating. Do I just have alot of insight or alot of wrong insight??????? sigh Lah lord. its making me start to feel alone and that everyone is against me. Another part of me thinks, no no one is against me, but I’m just screwed up. None are good. both are bad. sigh. okay I shall attempt some method to find verses haha:
Let love and faithfulness (Jesus) never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (proverbs 3:4-6)
I guess I must always remember that jesus is with me so I have favor and a good repute amongst sellers. I guess I must always see that other have love and are committed, and that they are good, so that they are encouraged by me, and I will also have favor and a good repute with them. I will also trust in jesus (that he is working in me and that he's working all things together for my good), and do not rely on my own thoughts and logic or sight. Also, to submit (listen to what he says and follow it, not listen to my own thoughts), and doing so he will make my path straight (things will be smooth.)
This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the LORD. He will be like a shrub in the desert; he will not see when prosperity comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is Him. He will be like a tree planted by the waters that sends out its roots toward the stream. It does not fear when the heat comes, and its leaves are always green. It will not worry in a year of drought or cease to produce fruit.
I guess I must also not trust in man, to give me a good image or a bad image. They have good in them, but they have own things to deal with. As I will not be able to see when good comes if I'm always basing my expectation on them or their behaviours or their interpretation of mine! I will trust in the lord, for my relationships, finance, business, reputation. Then I will see it when good comes. Eg. I blame Darren that he didn't tell his family I got snacks for them, but I put it on him that he didn't help me have a favourable image in their eyes. I should quit depending on him and just look to jesus.., sigh.
Oh well, thank u lord. Remind me when I forget. I still feel moody though., I think I'm physically tired... I think I feel condemned for not doing work today...I feel worried about my crisis module tomorrow...I feel like ugly from my pimples.... I feel less pretty than I was in the past... I feel unsuccessful in my business (and havent replied messages for over a week)... I feel worried that the seller who sold me the broken items would not want to refund me a portion of the amount.
Lord, you refresh me and give me the ability to sleep early today..its okay to take weekends off..I will still do well...I will do well in my crisis module...My overall score for crisis module will still be A+...My pimples will be gone with sleep...my pimples will not return...I am prettier in my own sight and other’s...I am successful and I shall be led by peace and not fear...I will be refunded more than I expect...it is a good night Lord.. thanks for helping me.. I guess no one could really fulfill all of the above... alls well with you.
Thanks jesus. May your word fulfill its purpose.
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