man - eater.

— my thorns will dig deeper in you.

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choose    your    fate       :       dead    is    the    new    alive.          |          ahri,       of riot’s league of legends as worshiped by rina.

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callout for raphael @indeath / @hemorage / @qinqov

trigger warnings include: abuse, sexual abuse, verbal / emotional abuse, mentions of guns / shootings, sexual harassment, cheating, heavy usage of gendered slurs (c*nt and b*tch), extreme amounts of gaslighting and manipulation and guilt tripping, mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm, suicide baiting, ableism (especially of bpd and the demonization of people with bpd, gatekeeping disorders), racism (especially making asian stereotypes and asian fetishization, and antisemitism), fatphobia, mentions of pedophilia, brief mentions of rape. 

if i missed any triggers, please let me know. i tried to detail them all here.

please read this with caution, should you choose to. if you cannot at any point continue, please do not, for your own sake. i don’t want to trigger anyone or upset anyone. i just want to share my story and thank you to everyone giving me a chance to speak and hear me out.

** and please, raphael prefers they / them pronouns from people who are not mutuals with them. please respect that.

and once again please do not message them, or anyone else, on my behalf. just please do not. i am happy that anyone wants to defend me or any other victims, but please don’t. i don’t want any more problems and i am capable of speaking for myself.

here is the link to the google doc containing the callout. please reblog this post if you feel comfortable sharing. thank you.

it is extremely lengthy. there are A LOT of receipts. i can’t blame anyone for looking at this and feeling like it’s ridiculous for the length and i don’t expect anyone to actually look through everything that’s in there, but i ask that you give me a chance to hear me out on some of these things. i won’t have raphael or their friends slander me anymore or make up lies about me. i disprove all of their lies here. many of the links redirecting to imgurs or twitter posts are also extensive and long. i didn’t mean for things to get as long as they did but i’m wordy and just … raphael is genuinely so horrible and there was just. an immense number of things to unpack. i apologize.

this post is a long time coming and i am sorry this took so long and to drag it out this far. i struggle a lot with adhd and just managing my spoons but i finally got it done. this comes on the heels of my original posts i wrote here, but i finally finished the doc that is a culmination of that post and more, including things i posted on twitter and MORE things i hadn’t shared on twitter yet.

i truly didn’t want things to have to come this far but idk i didn’t have a choice anymore. raphael continued to lie and undermine me and continued to try to slander me to people and blame me and scapegoat me for things THEY did. i can not give them any benefit of the doubt at all. i cannot listen to ANYONE who tries to defend them saying that raphael wanted to genuinely say sorry to me because every step of the way, with them continuing to make up lies about me and show people out of context one-sided conversations as “gotchas” against me, they proved that they didn’t care and that they’re not sorry.

this is not meant to isolate raphael or push them out or whatever.

i don’t care if people are friends with raphael. what i do care about is accountability, and that’s something raphael has never known for all of these years. raphael has apologized for the events of the past callout, but i’ve since dug out proof that it was just performative and they didn’t mean it. so i’m not interested in their apologies either because i know it won’t be sincere.

all i am asking for is that raphael admits to being wrong and that they did abuse me and other people. that’s all. they don’t think they’re in the wrong so i know they won’t say sorry, but i just want acknowledgement. they abused me. they abused me for nearly four years. and for years, they twisted the narrative to their friends. my friends. so for years these people also pretended to be my friend and would shit talk me behind my back and share screenshots of my vents to raphael and listen to a one-sided story from raphael and not even ask me for my side. on one hand i can’t blame people because raphael has spent YEARS warping their perception of me with lies and manipulations and gaslighting them too but there’s only so much i can excuse. when i show people screenshots of the horrible way raphael spoke to me, i’m still/?? the aggressor? 

anyways i don’t know what else to write here. i’ve said so much as it is. i just want people to look critically at what raphael put me through for the last 4 years. i want raphael to evaluate their own actions and take responsibility for their actions. it’s not ok. what i went through was not ok. what everyone else went through wasn’t ok. i didn’t deserve this and neither did anyone else they abused or hurt.

my dms are open to anyone who wants to make a comment about raphael, close some old wounds, talk things out, etc. but anon is going to be disabled the second i get anything shitty. i don’t want to hear from raphael, ana, forza, or lazarus in my dms. the only thing i ever want to hear from any of these people are apologies and it better be publicly because i never want to open my messages to find they’ve block evaded me to harass me.

i just want raphael to admit they’re in the wrong and try to change and do better and take responsibility and hold themselves accountable for their actions but i don’t believe it’ll happen. raphael hasn’t changed at all over the years.

IF YOU ARE RAPHAEL’S FRIEND, please read this. please look through even any bit of this, especially anything with big long screenshot evidence. please be critical of who you’re friends with and the lies they’re feeding you and how they manipulate the narrative to slander me and anyone else who has fallen out with them. i am begging you to look at this. i do not care if you remain their friend. all i am asking of you is that you do not DARE try to tell me that raphael isn’t abusive or that they’re remorseful or sorry for anything they’ve done because they aren’t. they ARE an abuser. to deny that is to step on all of their victims and our experiences and the things we had to endure because of them. stay their friend all you want. i do not care. help them get better. all i am asking is that you SEE this for what it is and you don’t let them get away with it and you BELIEVE US. the victims. please.

thank you to everyone who has supported me through this. thank you for giving me a chance to tell my side of the story. if anyone manages to get through this at all, thank you for bearing with me and sticking through it.

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raphael is at @indeath or @qinqov on all social platforms. ana is at @/goldfanged. DNI if you interact with them either.

raphael is not only an abuser but a literal rapist. that is not my story to tell, but it is a fact of one of their victims.

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callout for raphael @indeath / @hemorage / @qinqov

trigger warnings include: abuse, sexual abuse, verbal / emotional abuse, mentions of guns / shootings, sexual harassment, cheating, heavy usage of gendered slurs (c*nt and b*tch), extreme amounts of gaslighting and manipulation and guilt tripping, mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm, suicide baiting, ableism (especially of bpd and the demonization of people with bpd, gatekeeping disorders), racism (especially making asian stereotypes and asian fetishization, and antisemitism), fatphobia, mentions of pedophilia, brief mentions of rape. 

if i missed any triggers, please let me know. i tried to detail them all here.

please read this with caution, should you choose to. if you cannot at any point continue, please do not, for your own sake. i don’t want to trigger anyone or upset anyone. i just want to share my story and thank you to everyone giving me a chance to speak and hear me out.

** and please, raphael prefers they / them pronouns from people who are not mutuals with them. please respect that.

and once again please do not message them, or anyone else, on my behalf. just please do not. i am happy that anyone wants to defend me or any other victims, but please don’t. i don’t want any more problems and i am capable of speaking for myself.

here is the link to the google doc containing the callout. please reblog this post if you feel comfortable sharing. thank you.

it is extremely lengthy. there are A LOT of receipts. i can’t blame anyone for looking at this and feeling like it’s ridiculous for the length and i don’t expect anyone to actually look through everything that’s in there, but i ask that you give me a chance to hear me out on some of these things. i won’t have raphael or their friends slander me anymore or make up lies about me. i disprove all of their lies here. many of the links redirecting to imgurs or twitter posts are also extensive and long. i didn’t mean for things to get as long as they did but i’m wordy and just … raphael is genuinely so horrible and there was just. an immense number of things to unpack. i apologize.

this post is a long time coming and i am sorry this took so long and to drag it out this far. i struggle a lot with adhd and just managing my spoons but i finally got it done. this comes on the heels of my original posts i wrote here, but i finally finished the doc that is a culmination of that post and more, including things i posted on twitter and MORE things i hadn’t shared on twitter yet.

i truly didn’t want things to have to come this far but idk i didn’t have a choice anymore. raphael continued to lie and undermine me and continued to try to slander me to people and blame me and scapegoat me for things THEY did. i can not give them any benefit of the doubt at all. i cannot listen to ANYONE who tries to defend them saying that raphael wanted to genuinely say sorry to me because every step of the way, with them continuing to make up lies about me and show people out of context one-sided conversations as “gotchas” against me, they proved that they didn’t care and that they’re not sorry.

this is not meant to isolate raphael or push them out or whatever.

i don’t care if people are friends with raphael. what i do care about is accountability, and that’s something raphael has never known for all of these years. raphael has apologized for the events of the past callout, but i’ve since dug out proof that it was just performative and they didn’t mean it. so i’m not interested in their apologies either because i know it won’t be sincere.

all i am asking for is that raphael admits to being wrong and that they did abuse me and other people. that’s all. they don’t think they’re in the wrong so i know they won’t say sorry, but i just want acknowledgement. they abused me. they abused me for nearly four years. and for years, they twisted the narrative to their friends. my friends. so for years these people also pretended to be my friend and would shit talk me behind my back and share screenshots of my vents to raphael and listen to a one-sided story from raphael and not even ask me for my side. on one hand i can’t blame people because raphael has spent YEARS warping their perception of me with lies and manipulations and gaslighting them too but there’s only so much i can excuse. when i show people screenshots of the horrible way raphael spoke to me, i’m still/?? the aggressor? 

anyways i don’t know what else to write here. i’ve said so much as it is. i just want people to look critically at what raphael put me through for the last 4 years. i want raphael to evaluate their own actions and take responsibility for their actions. it’s not ok. what i went through was not ok. what everyone else went through wasn’t ok. i didn’t deserve this and neither did anyone else they abused or hurt.

my dms are open to anyone who wants to make a comment about raphael, close some old wounds, talk things out, etc. but anon is going to be disabled the second i get anything shitty. i don’t want to hear from raphael, ana, forza, or lazarus in my dms. the only thing i ever want to hear from any of these people are apologies and it better be publicly because i never want to open my messages to find they’ve block evaded me to harass me.

i just want raphael to admit they’re in the wrong and try to change and do better and take responsibility and hold themselves accountable for their actions but i don’t believe it’ll happen. raphael hasn’t changed at all over the years.

IF YOU ARE RAPHAEL’S FRIEND, please read this. please look through even any bit of this, especially anything with big long screenshot evidence. please be critical of who you’re friends with and the lies they’re feeding you and how they manipulate the narrative to slander me and anyone else who has fallen out with them. i am begging you to look at this. i do not care if you remain their friend. all i am asking of you is that you do not DARE try to tell me that raphael isn’t abusive or that they’re remorseful or sorry for anything they’ve done because they aren’t. they ARE an abuser. to deny that is to step on all of their victims and our experiences and the things we had to endure because of them. stay their friend all you want. i do not care. help them get better. all i am asking is that you SEE this for what it is and you don’t let them get away with it and you BELIEVE US. the victims. please.

thank you to everyone who has supported me through this. thank you for giving me a chance to tell my side of the story. if anyone manages to get through this at all, thank you for bearing with me and sticking through it.

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i forgot about this ask i got on my other blog djvdfvkdf

ANON IF U SEE THIS IDK IF U SAW THE POST I MADE ON MY OTHER BLOG BUT thank u for telling me this and you know i hope ur safe and healthy and happy too and i just kjdbfv i really regret past me a lot and i’m really sorry for any way i ever hurt you too. 

dfnjvdf idk what to say about this tho other than uhhhh this is so fucked 

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i’m just really glad that people have been like ... understanding of me i guess and willing to hear me out and to give me a second chance to either just ... put thing to rest and properly apologize to them, and even better yet if they give me a second chance to be their friend.

like i do not at all fault anyone for like ... being apprehensive about me from the past because like, while i was wholly influenced by raphael and under their thumb and overall part of that toxic 2016 tumblr mentality that infected a lot of us, that does not at all excuse me from how i like ... vagued people, shit talked them, made really mean comments, etc. it was so awful and childish and immature!! i was 17-19 for a lot of that toxicity, and i’ve definitely grown since then, being halfway to 24 now lol. 6 more months! but yes. and i’m grateful that people have like ... been able to see that growth.

i don’t blame anyone for being unwilling to speak to me still or like, still being upset with me about any past we shared because that’s their right and i was awful! i was! it makes me really sad to hear tbh that people feel like they can’t be upset with me or feel like they can’t fault me because of what i went through, and i don’t want anyone to feel like that just because of the abuse i went through. you’re still allowed to be angry with me what anything i did to hurt you and i am so sincerely sorry for it. i’m grateful for having the chance to give people more genuine and sincere apologies personally, to all of those who reached out to me. 

i’ve always been willing to step up and you know, take ownership of the things i did wrong, and i always will be, and i am always willing to apologize and be open to change and hearing people out and fix what’s wrong!!!!

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just wanted to let you know lazarus has a history of supporting abusers lol. i think it's very disingenuous of them to go against others, especially victims, and protect abusers up until they do something to them. then all of a sudden it's a very different tune and you're vile for supporting their abusers. anyway i know this isn't really about laz, just wanted to point out what a huge hypocrite and victim blamer they are? you're 100% allowed to air out what happened to you and trying to 1/

thank you for sending this 😭

i honestly don’t know what anyone has been saying in response to anything and i actually had NO idea that anyone WAS saying anything JKBDFVKJDF LIKE LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS HAVE BEEN TELLING ME THINGS or i’ll get anons like you letting me know things

but yeah exactly like!!!

i am NOT AT ALL saying that people can’t or shouldn’t be raphael’s friend. i have said from the very beginning in april when i was starting to make all of this public that i think raphael should have friends and still deserves them. all i am asking for is that raphael owns up to their shit, and that if people still want to be their friend, that they hold raphael accountable for their actions !!!!!!! if you are going to be raphael’s friend, then please be safe and do not allow them to gaslight you. i explained it all in a twitter thread that i added to the callout so... :/ 

idk it’s just gross to try to ?? criticize and nitpick me for everything because you literally have nothing else to stand on. it’s just sad man. like you’re allowed to criticize me on anything horrible i have done and if i do anything shitty onward !!! i will own up to it and apologize !!!! it’s that easy !!!!!!!!!!!! what i don’t understand is why raphael can’t admit to what they’ve done and say sorry. like, they’ll say sorry but it won’t be sincere so i can’t believe anything they say.

but anyways thank you for sending this just :/ i appreciate these sentiments so much and just thank u for hearing me out.

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also, i don’t know which friend of raphael’s this is, and i no longer have caps of this i’m pretty sure?? but there’s a friend of raphael’s who is like turkish or something and raphael talked SO much shit about them and like said so many xenophobic things about them because raphael liked them at first but then they were threatened over almost being dropped because i think someone showed the other person raphael’s original callout and that friend wanted to put space between them and nearly dropped raphael for it, so then raphael said so much awful shit about them that i wish i could even remember the specifics of but i remember also there being a point of like  “  they’re not even arab adjacent so they can’t act like things are similar or that they relate  ”  like it wasn’t worded that way at all so i know how this comes across and i WISH i had the caps to back this up, especially for my own memory but like .............. yeah. if you’re about to “turn” on raphael or they feel threatened by you that you’re going to drop them, they WILL IMMEDIATELY SHIT TALK YOU.

this person ended up i think?? dropping raphael for a short time. i believe???????? i could be wrong. i don’t remember so i’m sorry. but they are friends still i’m pretty sure??? but yeah. like. again. this just goes to show how quickly raphael will turn around to shit talk someone and call them names and say awful things about someone just because they had the NERVE to try to consider something horrible.

the minute you think about ending your friendship with them, or once you do, they’ll say horrible things about you. raphael is a paranoid narcissist and even if things are fine and you’re not even doing anything wrong, raphael will make up reasons to think that you hate them and use that as ammunition to shit talk you. i watched them do it to a mutual of mine in the past who they were actually friends with. raphael shit talked them so badly and manipulated me into thinking they were an awful person and the reality of it was this person did nothing wrong at all, raphael is just paranoid and instead of asking questions, they decided to demonize an innocent person.

if you think you are safe from their wrath, you are not. you are NOT safe. you think you are but you’re not. you think you’re their friend but i promise you you are not. any slip up and they’ll say you are 4fun only and not a real friend and they will get rid of you. i am BEGGING you all to look at this critically and put yourselves first. if you still want to be their friend, that’s fine, but do NOT let them get away with treating you or anyone else like this. hold them accountable. they WILL fight you on it. they will twist your words and lie and try to gaslight you and do NOT LET THEM. they will belittle you and your feelings and dismiss you and call you names and twist your words and intentions and put words in your mouth. do not. let them. get away with it. please be safe.

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ALSO. GUYS. i am extremely gullible. like, i am extremely very very very very naive and gullible. everyone who knows me knows this and will use this in INNOCENCE to joke with me.

however raphael took advantage of that and would say just things to me knowing i couldn’t fact check it because i didn’t know the people in question or just no longer remembered situations, or that i wouldn’t check it because they influenced my perception of people so why would i check on them ...

THE POINT IS. i am very out of the loop on most situations and people because i don’t care and i mind my business and i stay in my lane. please do not tell me anything that you do not know for sure is legitimate and if it’s not something that i can’t check for myself. i have been trying to do a lot for myself to check things beforehand after spending so long under raphael’s thumb with them just feeding me information and i take it at face value, and that’s incredibly dangerous to people involved if they’re innocent.

so yeah dfjbkdf please make sure you can back up your claims because if it’s something i don’t know about, i will be asking questions for proof and stuff. in that case, i would prefer a non-anonymous discussion but if you don’t feel safe doing so (i would keep your privacy though, but if it’s just a matter of you being worried that i’ll know who you are i’ll respect your anonymity) then that’s fine but it’s just easier for me to have a back and forth privately if it’s genuinely like, concerning.

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yeah idk about any of this shit really but the person that sent you an anon about lazarus being "fetishy" with asian characters is lucy, somebody who got a 70+ page callout just a month ago for manipulation, abuse, racism, stalking and defending someone that he knew actively to be a proven racefaker and continuing to stay close friends with them, and lucy himself was proven to make shit up about anyone he didnt like (lazarus included) on several occasions, as well as stalking those blogs and then accusing them of stalking him so like. maybe not the best look to be accepting his testimony when hes a known liar.

man what the fuck 😭

OK. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

LET ME. MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR LOL. if you’re also a severely problematic piece of shit with an extensive callout detailing abuse, racism, stalking, etc., please don’t submit anything into my blog LMAO. i am not going to condone or enable your victim complexes and sob stories like i’m sorry you had a run in with lazarus but i am not housing a self haven for ANY abusers.

if anyone who LEGITIMATELY has any testimonies or concerns regarding raphael, ana, lazarus, or ki/forza, then please feel free to let me know but. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i remember that person’s callout from twitter and i read through all of it and yeah. as an actual asian person. who has been fetishized irl and by these people, please do not come to my blog expecting sympathy when you’ve face faked and still think you’re not in the wrong for it, on top of everything else.

thank you for letting me know, anon 😭😭😭

anyways, for everyone else with concerns about staying away from any of these people (and i’m adding them here because they are in the post i’m about to delete):

raphael is at @/indeath, @/hemorage, and @/qinqov on tumblr. their twitters are @/modtel13 and @/qinqov. they are naja blackwaters on ffxiv located on sargatanas (aether).

ana is @/mnogiye on tumblr. their twitter is @/cyberianzarya.

lazarus is @/fervide on tumblr and @/lamentorium on twitter. they are gender envy on ffxiv located on sargatanas (aether).

ki/forza doesn’t have tumblrs as far as i’m aware. but their twitters are @/mooncarved and @/eldrichor. ki has notoriously hate followed and stalked people on not only their own behalf, but raphael’s behalf so it’s best to block them too.

ALL of these people will check on people’s twitters for raphael’s sake so it’s safer to keep them all blocked. they probably all have burner twitters which is how they’re block evading me but :/ idk them so unfortunately this is all i can provide.

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so someone told me that raphael is apparently trying to justify their abusing me for nearly four years by saying that they were “a gay man trapped in a relationship with a woman” LIKE???? THEN SAY SO.

and raphael will definitely try to refute this by say “i tried to leave multiple times and she didn’t let me” no what happened is raphael guilt tripped me constantly like, if i TRIED to let the relationship end by saying i didn’t want to fight anymore, it could be over.

i stated multiple times on multiple occasions during many fights that if raphael was not happy with me, they could leave because i was not going to trap them like a prisoner in a relationship they didn’t want to be in.

however. you want to know what the response to this often was?

“oh, you’re giving up now” is what raphael would say to me every time i tried to peacefully let them go because i did not want to force them to be with me if they didn’t want to. so the fact that raphael is trying to twist and paint this narrative as if i was trapping them in a relationship is insidious and disgusting.

like???

it would NOT have hurt my feelings to be told “actually i don’t like women at all, i’m a gay man and i think we should just be friends” LIKE. I WOULD HAVE SUPPORTED THIS AND THEM WHOLEHEARTEDLY. i would not have been upset or mad and my feelings would NOT have been hurt. I WOULD NOT. HAVE BEEN. UPSET OVER THIS. i would rather them be happy and live their life truthfully and with fulfillment rather than me being trapped in an abusive relationship because they wanted to take out their frustrations and hatred of me and women against me.

like hello??????? i wouldn’t have cared. i said to you SO MANY TIMES that if being with me wasn’t your happiness, i would let you go. BUT WHEN I SAID THIS, YOU WOULD. GUILT TRIP ME. AND ACCUSE ME OF GIVING UP. WHEN THINGS GOT HARD. when all i have ever done was try to fight to make this relationship work. i cannot remember if i shared any caps of me saying these things but once i find it i’ll add an imgur to this post because i HAVE so many instances of this.

raphael would constantly hold over my head and paraded about how they didn’t like women but “i was their one exception” and they would treat me like i’m special and then string me along like a trophy girlfriend and then hurt me and then say they loved me.

LIKE IF RAPHAEL HAD SIMPLY SAID. HEY, I’M NOT ATTRACTED TO WOMEN. I REALIZED THAT I DON’T WANT TO DATE WOMEN AND THIS WON’T WORK OUT ANYMORE. but they never said this. imagine trying to say this in order to try to discredit me and make me look bad but it only?? makes you look even WORSE. you could have said this to me at any time. you could have chosen to NOT guilt trip me every time i gave you an out from this relationship. but instead you chose to calculatedly abuse me for YEARS. how dare you dude. like?? that’s so sick. you accused me of stringing you along but in truth it was YOU stringing me along. you are pulling at straws for any excuse to make me look bad instead of just taking responsibility and saying you were in the wrong. it’s sickening dude and it’s just sad.

and it says a lot about how raphael criticizes the women in their life who have “scorned” them of being “goldstar lesbians” and have on many occasions been extremely lesbophobic. here’s one example that i can immediately find.

anyways raphael is a lesbophobic misogynist to add to the list. sick.

edit: oh i almost forgot but raphael would constantly guilt trip me over that fact that i was ............ female. like, they would blame me for them “missing out on life” which made me feel guilty enough to the degree that i said “i give you permission if you wanted to go out and explore sexuality and have experiences that you otherwise could not or would not be able to have with me” lol LIKE. they ALWAYS made me feel guilty about how they turned down invitations to go out to parties or events because they were dating me lol?? they told me often about how they felt as if they were missing out on life because they were dating me

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i did not. and have not. EVER claimed to be perfect or tried to absolve myself of guilt. i have been open and honest about my involvement in many things through the past year, even as recently as the tail end of 2020 i have spoken poorly about people who i’ve reconnected with now. i realized that raphael made up so many lies about these people and i blindly listened to them and i foolishly parroted their words and contributed to hurting my friends and damaging their lives and i will never be able to take it back. i regret it so so so deeply.

i know raphael has been, and will continue to, showing screenshots (one-sided caps, mind you because their side of the messages are now gone) of me saying vile things about other people and i own up to this and the things i said. i said really awful things and i regret them and i cannot even begin to express how apologetic i am for them. i’ve personally apologized to everyone who i’ve reconnected with and there are still several more people out there i owe apologies to but quite frankly i’m not in the business of keeping tabs on them so i have no idea where some of these people are. i also don’t know if anyone would be receptive to hearing from me and it feels shitty to wait for people to come to me first so i’m hoping that me coming public with this will like idk, encourage people to come forward because i have so many things i’d like to say.

i’m grateful that i’ve been able to reconnect with people at all and that these people have graciously given me the opportunity to be their friend again because i was really awful to them and said really horrible things and i contributed directly in really making their lives awful and hard and i feel horrible for the way i lashed out and mistreated people.

and in the same vein, sometimes i was mean and petty to raphael. i did vague them, but i stopped. i discussed the big may 2018 situation and the situation regarding me holding onto a folder of receipts and that’s about the worst thing i’ve done to raphael and i own up to it and raphael continued to hold it over my head and i apologized for it each time they brought it up, but i still can’t get a proper apology for raphael telling me to “go get shot.” 

anyways the point is. i own up and take responsibility for EVERY awful thing i said and did over the years. i was a horrible, petty teenager and i retained a lot of those behaviors over the years too. a lot of my opinions of people are a result of raphael’s manipulations and gaslighting me so badly over situations that i can’t even remember how things really happened anymore, just that raphael was saying these things and i was continuing to spread them around too. i’m naive and malleable and easy to manipulate and gaslight due to my memory issues and me being extremely empathetic and a sponge and raphael took advantage of this.

this doesn’t absolve me from the awful things i did. i can never ever ever apologize enough for anything i did and the hurt i caused and i am so sorry to everyone, especially my friends who’ve reconnected with me. i cannot tell you. truly. what it means to me to be given a second chance to show that i’m not that person anymore because i WAS toxic. i was mean. i fell into the same trap of 2015-2016 tumblr culture and i was really horrible for it. i take responsibility for all of my actions and truly. i can’t apologize enough and i just hope in some way i can offer closure and peace in all of this

[heartate-aa]

oh also one last note for yall: raphael calls literally everyone they've fallen out with their abuser. do with that information what you will.

no literally. LITERALLY. this is literally. exactly it. even if you never EVER had an actual interaction with raphael, they will call you their abuser.

one of the things i shared in the doc, it was when raphael ran into someone in a ffxiv dungeon. this person started talking about it on twitter and raphael proceeded to say that this person was their abuser and made them feel unsafe and this is what triggered the event of raphael leaving crystal for aether and forcing me to go with them and leave behind what friends i managed to make on crystal.

if you fall out with them? you’re their abuser now, whether you spoke to them or not, and i WISH i was exaggerating or making this up but this is literally what they do. it’s one of their big MOs and it’s just. vile.

[heartate-aa]

hiii so me and you already talked extensively about this but this is for anyone else who might not know. pertaining to my own experience with raphael.

i'm zach! if you've all been in tumblr rp for a hot minute you probably would know my old kaworu nagisa blog from a few years back, seelesdog, which i eventually deleted during a panic attack caused by raphael's little clique. i was "friends" with raphael & co. for a few months (not my best moment; that circle influenced me badly and i was extremely angry and mean during that time and i've already apologized to people for it). it seemed to be fine, i thought raphael was cool and seemed really nice and, well, we shared a lot of mutuals, so obviously i could trust them, right? they even had access to my fucking vent (which is something they'd later use against me). it was great til they suddenly got cold without explanation. til they started making fun of me to my face.

for a while their beef seemed mainly with my then-boyfriend (who is still my friend), but i did learn that for whatever reason they spread around our dms when we decided to part ways. their dm basically boiled down to "you talking about your mental health makes me feel bad" and guilted me for letting them follow my vent? huh? anyway. once they had a falling out with my then-bf i just thought it was funny how the very next day their friends started dropping me with no explanation, or people i was laughing and joking around with a day before suddenly started giving me the cold shoulder. very funny. wonder why that was

it's also Fucking Hilarious that they used you, rina, as their attack dog. because they couldn't stay off my fucking blog even though i respected their boundaries and left them the hell alone. because i'm not a weird fucking stalker. so they used you to come yell at me. it's also Fucking Hilarious how when they fell out with another friend of theirs and i liked said friend's tweets in support, they went and called me a fucking rape apologist as if i'm not a survivor myself. god, actually, it's insane the absolutely vile and hateful things they said about me that they apparently were incapable of saying to my face. insane how they apparently shittalked me so much in private that it started annoying multiple people. even though i was nothing but kind to them. i had only wanted to be their friend, even when they started patronizing me and treating me like a fucking insect.

cool how they had their friends imply i was faking my newly-diagnosed avpd, as if it was ever their business considering we hadn't been following each other for months, because they're the only person who can ever have avpd, or something. cool how they were saying i sent hate to them about their ex-friend as if i gave enough of a shit about them to go out of my way to do that. cool of them to lie about me over. and over. and over. cool of them to make me lose friends, worsen my trust issues and paranoia, and break me so fucking thoroughly i ended up in the hospital.

whatever i fucking did back in the year of our good lord twenty-sixteen, i can assure you i'm not that person anymore. not even close. but you, raphael? you haven't changed a single fucking bit, you miserable little twat. go to hell. take your insincere, condescending apologies and shove them up your ass.

[heartate-aa]

hi, just wanted to let you know that in your doc the link to the original callout has a bunch of links for the individual callouts that don't go anywhere anymore! not sure if there's a big doc that shows everything but it's unclear for me

OH NOOOOOO. i wasn't aware of that at all :( i unfortunately have nothing to do with that original blog from a few years ago and i'm not sure if anyone who provided testimonies, of those who i'm in contact with, have access to that blog and can say what's up or not.

i know that at one point, raphael used lazarus to contact one of the involved parties several months ago to request lazarus's portion to be removed so i'm not sure what's up with that old callout or.

it might just be that also that because no one had logged onto it for a time, -blog was added to the url. the original links are probably just ramsescallout.tumblr.com/ and in that case, try reopening the link by adding -blog to the end of the url instead so that all the links open at ramsescallout-blog.tumblr.com!! i think that might be the issue? but if anything is still gone after that i've got no idea what's going on 😭thank you for letting me know tho!

EDIT: yes, ok that is indeed the issue!

all of the posts linked in the original callout have the url ramsescallout.tumblr.com, which was the original url of the blog until tumblr took it to the void due to no one logging onto the blog for a while, i assume?

so when you open the links, add -blog to the end of ramsescallout so that it’s ramsescallout-blog instead! the links should open after that!

[heartate-aa]

and it’s just come to my attention that apparently raphael made another doc compiling my sexual abuse claims and trying to refute them but according to someone who has seen it, because it’s currently locked AND I DIDN’T REALIZE IT BELONGED TO RAPHAEL SO I SENT AN ACCESS REQUEST ALL LIKE “LET ME INNNNNN” 😭😭😭😭😭, it’s just more evidence of how raphael had groomed me. 

and there’s a few things to unpack about this tho. this proves that raphael and or their friends were stalking my twitter to watch what i was tweeting because i was actively tweeting evidence and my testimonies as i showed how sexually disgusting raphael was with me and guilt tripping me and forcing me into things, but i was coming to the realization that it was sexual abuse ...................... but yeah. they were literally ... block evading to see my tweets LIVE as they were coming out but none of these people stalk me by the way !!

and in the same message, these people mention that raphael had apparently been receiving harassment from burner blogs????? and has been claiming that it was my friends doing it?? without proof likely. i haven’t seen any evidence of these messages so idk if it’s legitimate or not but like. anyone here who has seen this unfold from the beginning can say that i have never condoned anyone messaging raphael or anyone else, especially to harass them. please do not do that. and ESPECIALLY do not make a burner to message them. i’m guessing one of raphael’s friends made that gooutsideandtouchsomegrass blog to harass me or whatever the url was but. we all remember that ......... we all saw it ................ ANYWAYS. AHHHH. i’m sorry djbvdf i’m trying to cope and be normal but feel free to blacklist my url for the time because i probably will end up making more posts in the event i get new information or more people approach me to share their stories too.

[genotsidy-deactivated20220119]

👋🏼 here are a few organizations raising funds for aid in Afghanistan:

Muslim Aid

International Rescue Committee

Women For Afghan Women

Afghan Aid

here’s a few ways to get involved & resources. here is a petition as well to ensure women’s rights. do not let this be an excuse for islamophobia to form as well. we must be continually informing ourselves & doing our due diligence in this.

[heartate-aa]

thank u everyone who’s sharing and hearing me out ;w; this took literally 4 months for me to finally finish writing like. if anyone thinks at all that i did this for fun. please. it was extremely mentally taxing and stressful to even think about putting this together at all and i put it off for so long because of how draining it was of my spoons and then i’d get distracted with my adhd and just not being fit enough to continue with retraumatizing myself by going through all of the screenshots.

looking through everything that happened with clear, lucid, unclouded eyes was a jarring experience and i just. sat there like. how the fuck did i ever put up with any of this, especially for as long as i did.

i remember sitting there during and after each fight with raphael just sitting and crying my eyes out so hard that i had a migraine and and my throat was dry from literally how dehydrated i’d get from how long i spent crying. not just 2-3 hours straight. sometimes i would be crying for like, 6-7 hours STRAIGHT at a time because that’s how long raphael would spend yelling at me and expected me to sit there for without pause or break. i couldn’t sleep. i didn’t have any appetite to eat or drink during a lot of our arguments or the days that followed. not that i was allowed to get up and leave and i know that sounds stupid but raphael would get mad at me if i took too long to respond while they were busy chewing me out.

forza tried to victim blame me and say that i wasn’t having new revelations all of a sudden. while i was aware for a long time that this wasn’t healthy and that it upset me, i was in severe denial that it was abuse. any victim of abuse in a relationship will tell you firsthand just how difficult it is to come to terms and say, even in the privacy of YOUR OWN HEAD where no one care hear you, that the person you love is hurting you and abusing you. looking back at all of these screenshots, it hurts. i cannot believe. that i sat through that. and in so many of them i can see how tired and numb and exhausted and hurt i am and raphael just kept going without remorse. i honestly think that raphael was tormenting me for fun during a lot of these arguments. there’s no way anyone just blatantly ignores someone the way raphael did unless it’s for fun. 

anyways sorry to keep making posts. i’ll try not to post anything unless people have things they want to get off their chest about raphael and co as well. thank you for hearing me out. i’m sorry to keep dragging this out for so long