tw: military, ptsd, dissociation, insomnia, and all the things that fall in the cracks between those
i hate the heat, i hate the summer, i hate that everything i work so hard to overcome always comes undone this time of year.
deployment was five years ago this summer. it feels like a lifetime ago and also like it happened yesterday.
i havent dreamt about it in like. weeks, bordering on months, and now its all i dream about everytime i close my eyes. i know its probably temporary but fuck
my paranoia was finally shifting into something waaaay more manageable, and i could like. talk myself out of spirals, and i was seeing way less hallucinations/intrusions in my day to day. i could drive without seeing people laying in the street screaming my name.
i just got used to the idea that maybe, yanno, i could function a little easier. which im almost positive ill go back to, once this bit of summer passes, BUT LIKE,,, I LIKED BEING A LITTLE BIT BETTER, YANNO?
i was getting things done and being creative and keeping up with tasks -
ive had this fucking headache for two days and i know its from clenching my jaw so much --
idk. possibly the worst part is the little voice in my head thats pretty mean to me. he's been quiet until this past week and now i can barely hear anything else. its tiring and harder to ignore the longer it goes on.
what is good, in a way, is the hindsight these valleys give me. where on my good days i scoff at myself for not being able to function and that i "probably wasnt trying hard enough--"
and then the bad days come back and im like, oh right this actually sucks and its super hard to do anything and also my back hurts really bad?
i think the back pain is also from clenching every muscle in my body to not react to every little thing. or like a blow im waiting to receive.
there's construction happening two doors down and its jackhammers and concrete mixers but if i close my eyes it all turns to engine jet blasts and frantic beeping and the silence that follows after a crash
they used to call me bad luck. black cloud. wraith. every shift i worked, inevitably, someone fell from the sky, blew up, crashed, or simply disappeared. im not that egotistical to think that im truly the cause of it all, but like -
why? why me?
anyway. my birthday is in a few weeks. i turned 30 on deployment. it kinda sucks that this anniversary grief thing happens at the same time, yanno?
i guess that's all i got to say for now. summer sucks, yanno?
