I should love me better.

Fat and depressed, very clever, sarcasm and dark humor are load-bearing structures. I try to be creative and mostly succeed. When not laying on the floor crying, I mean. Also I have cats.

[hedgetortle]

[hedgetortle]

[hedgetortle]

Y tho?

So what is the point of carrying on with a life that isn't fulfilling for you? (I'm not writing a suicide note, settle down) Everyone tells you that suicide affects everyone - so why does no one REALLY want to prevent it? Where's the mental health support? Why are professional athletes and actors making millions of dollars sometimes, and there are people who can't even get psych meds? If you want them here, if you want ME here, why doesn't anyone show it until I'm burnt out and bleeding? If someone attempts, and you call an ambulance, are you helping them, or yourself? I feel like those suicide booths from Futurama need to exist. Safe self-harm sites next to safe use sights. Doctors prescribing just enough of a sedative to put you in a coma for a while, so you can try diet death, find out if the real stuff is right for you. Suicide is selfish, and so is forcing people to live when they don't want to.

[hedgetortle]

What happens if you need to scream into the void, but you have emotional laryngitis? Can someone scream for me? There are too many feelings and they've created a bottleneck.

[hedgetortle]

Brittany

Sudden sad memory that didn't exist before this...

When I was in high school, for a single 8 month period - couldn't have even gestated the whole pile of drama this friendship birthed.

My parent's ferret got cancer. A month or 3 after my stepparent told them "her or me". I borrowed a digital camera from my fast friend and kindred spirit (true even after the way things ended), Brittany, so that we could get pictures of the ferret before it needed to be put down.

Then at a party, she and her boyfriend fought, broke up, and foolish me, I fell for that trap: agreed with her when the shit talking and red flag retrospective started. Rookie mistake. I'm blaming the autism. Shhhhhh...

As we've all likely realized by now, they got back together a few days later. Because high school. I was an asshole for what she said, because I was a witness to what she was pretending wasn't still true. She told her mother, who threatened to call the police, and the camera was returned immediately, no ferret memorial.

But also I had a phase of sticky fingers, and stole a bracelet from her mother at a different party. Allegedly it was worth a bit. I'm not proud but I'm also not telling half a story if I can help it. We both burned far too hot when we were around one another, and didn't realize it, I don't think.

The bracelet was put in the dumpster behind her apartment building. I didn't WANT it, I just didn't was to be the only one angry to avoid introspection.

I haven't thought about this in years, I don't think.

I called her B-Dawg when we were drunk.

One night, prior to the pet memento mori incident that did us in for good, I blacked out at her bf's friends place. I'm sure that was very well thought out at some point, but it doesn't seem so in hindsight. We were playing roulette with shot glasses, and I got the everclear 4 times in a row.

Then we were walking back to Brit's place.

B-Dawg's place.

And I slipped, and hit my knees. A single moment of clarity, with wet and ice and burning shins. Freezing cold out, that dry, too-loud sort of cold.

"B-Dawg!"

She didn't stop. But I was in her bedroom in the morning, so I got up and staggered on, or she turned around. I'll never know which.

[hedgetortle]

So I met molly for the first time today, and I have bpd among other things, so I wasnt sure it would work at all. But then I started to feel funny. Like there was a barrier between me and my emotions that Ive never had.

But I'm not feeling much. Except for that. So Im wondering if perhaps, the dopamine flood just made me neurotypical.

[hedgetortle]

A benign chaotic theory: if someone hates cats, they're untrustworthy.

Once again, STAY WITH ME.

I'm not saying people who dislike cats, who tolerate cats if needed. I mean the ones who straight-up tell you they HATE them. Hate is a very strong word.

Consider...cats are a lesson in consent. If you attempt to pick a cat up, or hold a cat, or anything else that a cat isnt cool with, at best they flee, at worst you bleed. You work within their boundaries, or you dont touch them. Those are your safe options. The cat comes to you.

And so, I posit that a person who hates cats has issues with consent. And thats sketchy af.

[hedgetortle]

A benign chaotic theory: a in infant/child has no soul. STAY WITH ME.

They have the seed of it. So this is why, along with being taught to walk, eat, etc, they are taught to share, to be kind, to use their words.

So then puberty hits. The thyroid kicks into high gear...and their soul begins to grow. This is why puberty and teenage years are INSANE. Hormones, new feelings, figuring out who they are.

At about age 25, the brain alleges to be fully formed. This is when the soul is, too. It's still malleable, sure. Its fresh. And by mid-30, people have most of their values, morals, ingrained. They can change, but it takes longer, more effort. The soul has solidified and become real.

[hedgetortle]

Would you still love me if I was a parasitic worm attached to your eyeball?

[thememedaddy]

[hedgetortle]

Some garbage fell out of my pocket as I was standing after using the toilet. It would not have flushed, and needed retrieval. I've washed my hands 3 times. If anyone needs me, I will be washing my hands some more.

[hedgetortle]

Can someone explain why dudes ask for 🐱 pics? At BEST, it looks like an open-face sandwich. At worst there's literally nothing external to see. Like do you also want to look at my elbow?

[not-mrs-cake]

Somehow it's that time again! Here's a roundup of 2024's weird-ass headlines (part 1/3)

[not-mrs-cake]

pt 2

[hedgetortle]

On this day, let it be known: that I performed a drum solo on my cat's belly.

[anxietyproblem]

[hedgetortle]

Informal poll: are self hated and self loathing close enough by definition to be synonymous?

[hedgetortle]

It's only a podcast if it comes from the Pod region of France.

I will not be taking questions at this time.