Sɨnɨsŧɇɍ Ᵽᵾłsɇ

This is my page for my mind and general thoughts. I have DID & Aspd so don't be judgemental.

[hehimtransfem]

Instead of falling into my impulsive horrific thoughts, I've been mixing. Here is a short video. I like that extratone that I mix with the dnb cause it makes this sound that almost covers up all the noises in my head.

[hehimtransfem]

Me saying, "I'm just a girl" smoking a cigarette after I was just looking in the mirror telling myself that, "sometimes you gotta toss your hair up and say I'm gonna fucking kill myself" then move on.

[hehimtransfem]

So I do quite a bit of content creating/SW and what pisses me of is that I promote so much about it and it's all at a decent price too. Literally a measly 10 a month. The 1 fucking time I do a free month so many people go out of their goddamn way to go for it. Fucking waste of time people. All looking for free fap material as if I don't matter. Literally so pathetic. How the actually how can people like that live like that?? It makes me so goddamn homicidal. God I wish I could go off on these scum without losing some possible reach. I really wanna rip these fuckers heads off and tear them to shreds. I fucking hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. FUCKING HATE IT. ACTUAL FUCKING FREELOADERS. TIME WASTERS. FREE CONTENT SEEKERS PREYING ON SOMEONE WHO IS LITERALLY DISABLED JUST TRYING TO LIVE. FUCKING HELL.

[hehimtransfem]

So I got my teeth pulled. All of them. I'm getting replacements. I think I'm definitely more of a psychopath than I think I am cause the novacane (numbing shit they shoot into your gums with needle) wore off about half way through. I didn't care to have them put more in so I just had them keep going and I lied about it still being effective. They pulled my teeth for almost 2 hours. Blood everywhere. The dentist kept asking if I'm fine and I was like, "yeah keep pulling". The assistant was the most concerned cause she kept giving me these scared looks cause I was so relaxed and vibing while this dentist pulled my teeth out with pliers. I was enjoying the parts where they'd space my teeth with a wedge and I'd feel my teeth crack. The only part that annoyed me was the drilling. The sound irritated me and made me want to drill the dentist with it. But yeah I definitely traumatized them. They were pulling a literally psychopaths teeth out. I was enjoying it all. Now I know that I can be tortured and the "pain" won't bother me.

[hehimtransfem]

This is gonna sound abusive in some form but it isn't. My girlfriend knows I have ASPD and other mental things going on. But this is honestly really reassuring cause I could tell her how I wanna shatter her spine and she would be like aw that's cute but we both know you somehow feel a form of love for me so you wouldn't. It makes me actually shocked a bit cause she's not scared when I say things like that. She shows me genuine love(from what I can actually understand) and cares. We play this game where she pretends to try and escape and I just swoop her up or pin her on the bed. She laughs about it and gives me a warm smile and tells me she loves me. This goes to show that even if someone like myself has ASPD etc, that you can find someone who accepts you. My crash outs aren't ever directed at her either so she knows I'd never do anything towards her.

[hehimtransfem]

It's interesting how I'm self aware of my murderous tendencies. Like sometimes I just think, God I could k*ll this person then I don't.

[ghost-jester-sys]

sometimes DID is "haha people in brain"

but most of the time its:

"fuck wait when did it become [time] why am i on my phone didnt i need to make dinner? oh no who am i whats going on"

*constant vague flashbacks as people float in and out of front*

"oh god when did i get here where am i?"

*deep dissociation*

*being unable to care for myself due to dissociation*

"i do this all the time why cant *i* do this why can i not remember?"

*forgetting important or even just every day things*

*can never think clearly*

*too many voices and thoughts that arent mine*

[hehimtransfem]

If only I could get into a ring with someone so could put them in a grave. This would be the song I'd hope they play as I break every bone in the opponent's body.

[lesbianumbreon]

You are not a fake system because you can't hear your alters, most of us can't! Most people with DID have very limited communication between alters in general.

You are not a fake system because you don't know your headcount, or you don't know your alters names. That can take years! For some people, they need a long time in treatment to even get that ball rolling.

You are not a fake system because you don't know what other alters are doing. You don't need to know who dressed you this morning or who bought the food you're allergic to, high amnesia is normal.

Don't feel like any less of a system because of expectations set by the internet. You don't need to present the same way as people on the internet. The presentation of DID on the internet can be pretty atypical, so don't spend your time comparing.

[hehimtransfem]

People who buy a fuck ton of food at fast food places make me want to break every bone in their body. I'm a cook at one cause college towns suck but anyways, these assholes want to order like 50+ sliders. I get that they are easy to eat fast but seriously fuck off dude. You could be eating at home. This makes me so fucking murderous.

[aspdculture-is]

ASPD Culture is

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MEEEE

[juliesque04-deactivated20250806]

Every time a fellow borderline demonizes people with NPD or ASPD I actively lose gray matter in my brain because that is literally your cousin bro. I get that victim mentality runs rampant in borderlines, but we're literally two sides of the same coin😭

[hehimtransfem]

Instead of falling into my impulsive horrific thoughts, I've been mixing. Here is a short video. I like that extratone that I mix with the dnb cause it makes this sound that almost covers up all the noises in my head.

[mxlign]

Woke up and went straight to fantasizing how I would slaughter this bitch. Pretty much sums up who I am as a person.

[hehimtransfem]

Do any of you just look at blood and think how you could just brutally beat tf outta someone and basically force it out of them? Not that I'd do it cause I have a lot of self control but god sometimes I really want to.

[hehimtransfem]

Having a god complex can be both beneficial and horrible. For example, I know I'm better than most of these fuckers.

The downside is that if they don't worship me and shower me in compliments recognizing me as said god, I will actually want to m*rder everyone within a 5 mile radios of my location.

[hehimtransfem]

Did anyone ever just like not care that a grandparent died? Like its not like they were a bad person or anything but it's like you just didn't feel anything. My parents did this thing where they would shit on me for not feeling any sadness or anything. I really don't understand how they can even think that I'd care that they wanted to act like this. Through out my life they've tried to make me feel bad for them or whatever. I've never felt shit. The only thing I've felt is wanting to beat tf out of them.