Grief astronomer

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

[heiligetod]

Ever since I can remember, happiness was something that was supposed to happen at some point in the future. And I longed for it. Oh, how I longed for it.

I remember being a child, playing outside, poking the ground with a stick, throwing some random stones around, picking wildflowers and grass, weaving them into chaotic ugly shapes (I never knew how to make a flower crown). I was looking at the trees and the sky and I kept thinking: it won't always be like this. One day something grand will happen, and I will finally be free and happy.

First and foremost, my mind was driven by the idea of one true, eternal love. I thought it would save me. I imagined my future husband and thought: right now we are both children. We don't know each other yet, but somewhere out there you already exist. Your heart is beating. Maybe you are sad too. Maybe you are thinking about me without knowing that you are thinking about me.

Then later, with every new stage of life, every new school, every new group of people, I thought: now everything will be different. I won't be weird and disliked anymore. Now my life will finally begin.

I also thought everything would be better once I was pretty and thin. I dreamt dreams of beautiful, flawless skin, long shining hair, and of being tall and graceful.

Two decades later. I began so many new chapters, moved to so many places, met so many people. I was beautiful. I was thin. It changed nothing. It never changes anything. I feel exactly as incomplete and empty inside as I did twenty years ago. I was still longing. Always.

It took me a long time to understand that there is no person destined for me who will make me happy and change everything for the better. It took me even longer to understand that the way I look won't change the way I feel.

The younger version of me didn't know that she would always be longing for something, missing something, waiting for something. She didn't know that no matter who she became or where she went, this feeling will never, EVER leave her.

I would not want to go back in time and tell her any of this. That would break break her. Let her keep believing and hoping. Somewhere out there, she is still there, poking the ground with a stick and waiting for happiness.

Let her dream and wait forever.

[madame-amour]

“La baie des anges” (1963)

[gothredy]

[theoddsideofme]

[urgetocreate]

Alice Dalton Brown (American b.1939), Summer Breeze, 1995, Oil on linen, 50 in. x 70.25 in

[themooninthestars]

[speakthewordonly]

[undeadhousewife]

[eeby-deeby-dark-and-creepy]

Ok now I’m curious… Which do you prefer:

I have lived in and out of the city, I prefer the city

I have only lived in the city, I prefer the city

I have only lived out of the city, I prefer the city

I have lived in and out of the city, I prefer out of the city

I have only lived in the city, I prefer out of the city

I have only lived out of the city, I prefer out of the city

Bald/vanilla extract/I reject dichotomies under all circumstances/I can’t read

Remaining time: 2 days 52 minutes

[kosmogrl]

they should invent a yourself you can forgive

[cataleiya]

Wasted so much warmth on cold people

[theweirdwideweb]

[fidelcostco]

can't believe the only options are 30 minutes early or 10 minutes late. if only there were some other way. but what can you do

[mushroom-soup-is-my-religion]

[ducissatenebrarum]

Anxiety

[murkymarco]

Caught myself spiraling and then remembered it's just my body not wanting to exist in these temperatures

[le-phenomene-futur]

[kisseism]

the amount of care and attention the human body needs is disgusting