@hellissad - Tumblr Blog

Felt a spike of hopelessness recently at the thought of my future, and had a split second suicidal thought. Then realised its been a long long time since ive seriously been suicidal.. its not so bad

#altho i hesitate to call myself suicidal at all #its more suicidal ideation than anything

Im crashing again. Its always the same. I blame my circumstances but i know very well its my own fault. Yes online class sucks yes its hard to work without structure and routine but thats not an excuse for the mess ive been lately. Sleeping entire afternoons, missing appointments, getting times wrong, procrastinating assignments, just never going outside at all... Shit sucks

#I should go outside #Like. Take a walk or something #Go to the supermarket lmao #I feel bad going to the supermarket for no real reason tho

Disconnect

Gender feelings

I use every defense mechanism available to cover up the fact that im selfish and self centered and unempethatic and non considerate and probably just generally unlikeable

#I have a hard time thinking about others #And their feelings #Remembering it #Its always about myself #I wish i naturally just. Had interest in other people

Despite all the negative shit i havent rlly been depressed or suicidal recently

#Just been feeling. Kinda stuck and guilty #Im just gonna live my lufe one day at a time like ive been doing forever and see where i end up #Cause i dont have anything else to guide me

Also been focussing a lot on my disconnect from everyone and everything. Feeling particularly alien and wrong

#No goals no close relationships no passions #Then what is the point #Why am i wrong

Been having some really negative hopeless thoughts about myself and the culmination of my upbringing and my personality

#Pretty much came to the conclusion that my parents werent rlly fit to be parents #Theyre not bad but they barely raised me #And now im not a functional adult #And idk how to do anything and it gives me a lot of anxiety

Oh yeah update im doing well lol

#Scared im gonna crash when school starts but for now

dog-teeth

badweird feelings

chronicbrainfag

not to be a communist on main but these are literally the modes of alienation under capitalism that marx described

dog-teeth

PLEASE be a communist on my posts its literally capitalism thats making me feel this way

#Been rlly feeling this

Found out you can get on the roof of our building.. Part of me wants to find out exactly how

#My brain craves a backup plan #And id never like. Do it #But theres something comforting about the option being there #.txt

Its baaack

#The depression #Its back #Wooo

ogeeitsme

I don’t know when yesterday was and I don’t know when tomorrow is

The fact that i havent used this blog in ages is reassuring

#Im p good!#I mean not super great im still very lonely lmao #But yeah

ptsd-tiger

Me: is feeling okay for once

Someone else: mentions their relationship

My brain @ me immediately: kill yourself you unlovable bastard lol

#God.... Yeah

Oof im feeling anxiety well up in me! Great good! You know when everything falls apart and youre not sure what you couldve done better to prevent this but tere mustve been something so youre just sitting around with the guilt of failure on your shoukders? Anyway i have to contact multiple people in a very short amount of time to finish sonthimg ive ebeen putting off for a yeat and tmight no t even work out and all my efforrs this year wouldve been for nothing and its all so overwhelming and im paralized with anxiety but i dont have time for it and i want to do something to feel better but idk what and i also know everyrhing im doing thats not what im supposed to be doing is just procrastination so ill feel bad for anything im doing and i hate feeling like this

#.txt #diary entry #Only 2 weeks left

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