here lie my thoughts

dramatic recollections of the self

[helloharani]

i have so many thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart that i dont know how to deal with

[helloharani]

worth

All I need to do is try and write how I feel, but even that is hard. Just attempt. It will get easier.

Self-worth is an issue I feel like I’ll never be able to solve.

Sometimes I get motivated and I want to try and do something, but a few seconds later I imagine myself doing it and subsequently failing and I end up losing the day to negative thoughts. Or I could be in the middle of something and then I realise half-way that I suck and then I stop. Or I’m doing something completely different from what I actually want to do and I realise that I’m bad at it and then I realise that oh, I’m bad at everything and then the cycle repeats.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been dancing (something I suck at but I don’t know why I keep trying). Well, actually I do know - it’s because I think I will get better but yeah… I don’t know. My brain is split into two halves which contradict each other (or maybe it’s a 30% 70% with the negative part winning most of the time).

I don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for my teacher to say this and god damn. It felt good. But not as good as I thought it would. Maybe because I didn’t fully believe it. And then the cycle repeated itself once more.

I guess it’s true when they say that no matter what, you determine your own worth. I wanted to hear this for so long, but in the end it didn’t even change much. What’s the use if I don’t believe in myself?

I’m sick of feeling stuck in my own self-built hole. I trap myself and then I project it onto others, or at the rate my high-sensitivity is going, I use whatever happens to torture myself and those around me.

At times, I feel like people expect too much of me, even when it’s the bare minimum. I can’t do it. What does that make of me? I’m a bad person? I can’t handle anything? I feel like a huge, toxic mess and I want to dump myself in bleach for a purity cleanse. 

Does this even make sense?

It doesn’t matter.

I’m just sick of it. But I can’t change it. Not right now, I’m not strong enough.

Once the elements that make up my existence finally escape from my grasp because of my idleness, I’ll feel worse. 

So what should I do, when I don’t know what to do? What should I do when I feel like I can’t do anything at all?

I’m spreading myself too thin, at the same time I’m not doing it at all.

I don’t even feel better after writing this because it just doesn’t feel right. What a shame. 

14th October 2021

[helloharani]

reunions

walking in the comfort of the streets of my home i came upon a familiar face and though i noticed you from afar, as the gap inevitably closed i wish you wouldnt see me but it would be worse, so i toughen up 

look down, left, right

act like i dont see 

make eye contact 

make the first move  “[redacted]? i hope you’re doing well”

your eyes glance at me, at each other like you wish it never happened  our second-long reunion innocent as it rips the bandage off wounds i spent endless nights tending to

or a different reunion with a different you- this time in the comfort of the living space of my home you were here for hours but somehow the four sentences exchanged between us  concluded our minute-long reunion  with a bitter effect that lingered for at least a dozen showers

or yet, another  but non-physical reunion, in another realm over a celebration that wasnt worth the pain but i tried to play my part for it would be worse

i was wrong

obviously

an alien, to the likes of you thats the way its always been oh, im wrong?  then why do you make it so? when you could have done otherwise instead of your indirect stabs of gestures and words 

the entity brewed deep inside ive battled it for years (trust me) told it to leave, denied it peace but youre always on its side

theres no where safe no place in this world  no place in my home, my family, families the places and spaces ive been nothing belongs to me and i belong to none 

maybe one day ill find my place my space, i know it will be mine, i will be proud but for now im stuck tending to what you left me with rebuild its frontier to minimise future damage

eventually, time will accept it as it accepts all things as i search for an empty expanse  for the alien, to the likes of you

13th September 2021

[helloharani]

today, 

i had to spit 

i sat by my window with ash all over me 

it clung to my eyes, my skin and my clothes

and i realised how miserable i felt. like i was down in the dumps 

[helloharani]

the “big” age

Recently, my morning routines have been quite calm. Only recently, because I just finished my second last semester of university. ... 

...  CRISIS TIME!!!  But even with classes during the last few months, my days have been generally filled with things to do. Over the year, I have built sort of a schedule. I think with everyone being at home because of Covid, we’ve been pacing ourselves a bit, “pacing” mean that there are things that happen throughout the week that make me realise how the days are passing.  Back to the morning. I’ve concluded that I like having a good breakfast. I think it might be my favourite meal of the day, or at least the most impactful. Even if I wake up at 11 a.m., I find myself eating “breakfast” and then a late lunch. Breakfast is accompanied by coffee, which I have found important to my system. I learned to make my own milk coffee (I guess you could call it a latte under certain circumstances) over the holidays thanks to my mom and Uncle Wasy. He gave us some filter paper and good coffee powder.  Haru takes her morning rounds - she walks in and out of the house, back to the food bowl and away. It gets funny sometimes, everyone wonders why she does it but we’ve just decided that she’s just a wanderer. She’s grown a lot fatter. Snowy would still be sleeping, either on the couch or in my room. Someone (usually my mom) would open the door to my room for him every morning. We have to give him medicine for the next few days. He looked a little sick, and after a trip to the vet we found out that he has a lack of teeth (sigh), and that he was probably sick from flu season. I got worried because he was losing weight. I don’t like thinking about my cats growing old. Or anyone I love, honestly.  The days vary. I’ve been trying to exercise every one or two days, right now I’m trying to stick to this everyday Yoga routine by following a Youtuber named Adrienne. Without class I’ve dedicated all my time to reading, and throughout the past two weeks I’ve revisited an old book series that I hope to write about here soon. I’m mostly in the comfort of my coping mechanisms. When I have the energy I like to see my friends. The nights usually end with snow sessions with Firdaus through FaceTime.  Uncle Wasy and Aunty Zura come over every Saturday for dinner. It feels different that they’ve been around so often, but a good kind of different. I’d like to think that it has always been this way. It feels like it would have been if they weren’t travelling so much every year. Unfortunately for them, Covid has bound them here for now.  Aniqah, Kasih, Myra and I have picked up Girl Guides again properly by trying to achieve the Duke of Edinburgh award. I now see them every Friday for Capoeira class with Norma. Mia is there too. For once we’re all exercising together.  I’ve also picked up bass and Ian teaches me through Zoom every Thursday. I thought I’d give it a try because I’ve been feeling disconnected from the keys. Hopefully this transition creates a new bond for music and me. Senja has been on a break for a while. We’re having our first show in months this Saturday. It’s not actually a show, it’s more of a pre-recording that will be up on YouTube. Our EP recording has been halted until things get better.  I start my internship at MalaysiaKini tomorrow. I also turn 21 in a few hours.  I think what I’m most scared about is throwing my life away. I don’t mean this by me giving up and becoming a slump forever. I mean as in forgetting. I’m not sure if I’ve told anyone this but I have a feeling that if I live long, I’ll suffer from amnesia and that will bring my demise.  I wanted to write this to solidify what I know and what life feels like right now. Turning 21 feels different than turning 20, even though that was the year I left the teens. Who knew that I would end up wanting to be alone on my 21st birthday? I would like to laugh.  I told my friends I didn’t want to celebrate in at all this year. I’ve had the privilege of being surprised and being thrown gatherings by them for the last few years, ever since high school and I couldn’t be more grateful. But I’ve cemented that I want a break this year to just absorb everything.  Partly because on my birthdays, I usually end up feeling terrible. I’ve always felt that at the end of the day, when I see people, I feel the need to please them rather than do what I want to do. And I think this year I’ve become strong enough to actually WANT to do what I want, instead of backing down.  I blame Covid. This year I’ve ventured into myself unlike any other year, and I know for a fact who really cares and who doesn’t. I don’t want my birthday to be just another reason for anyone to do anything for me. Do I sound selfish and whiny? I’m sorry.  Anyway, I don’t know where this ramble is going to. Wake up! You’re 21 soon!  I can’t see what is going to happen tomorrow, or the day after, or the next few days. For good or for bad, I just hope that my 21st year of being alive will be a year full of happy memories, both big and small. 

From 20-year old me to future me. You are sad and you prefer spending time alone at home (a drastic change from pre-Covid Inarah). You don’t know why. You’ve been let down a lot, both by people and yourself. You’ve found a new sense of gratitude for your privileges, your friends and especially your family; although you have problems showing so. Everything feels mundane, sometimes you don’t even feel like eating. But sometimes you feel good, and you can laugh and cry without feeling bad.  I wonder if everyone will still be living together in a few years. Will I move out? Will we move out? I kind of hope not. What will the politics be like then? Will we go back to living physically instead of virtually? What new items will I own, and what old ones will I let go of?  I hope in the future you find a balance that works for you, and I hope you get to go to sleep feeling good instead of the opposite. I hope you embrace growing up instead of feeling bitter about it, and I hope you enjoy what you do. I hope you cultivate good and healthy relationships, and maybe a better lifestyle. Also, keep your room clean - 

- and stay true to yourself.  Sending hope and love. 

Lepaklu  30th November 2020 

[helloharani]

it’s stormy

it’s really stormy today. it was really sunny and hot in the morning but suddenly, at around 4.30pm the sky turned grey and it started to rain. it has been like this for the last few days, but the rain today was frighteningly heavy - coupled with bright strikes of lightning followed by it’s loud counterpart afterwards. 

i’m supposed to be writing a reflective essay; my last assignment for the year. but instead i’m stuck writing this here - a different reflection completely separate from the simulation i was in for “World in Crisis” (which my reflective essay is based on). 

storms frighten me sometimes. although i love the rain, when it gets angry, water is a strange medium (just like how it is in the ocean). it’s wrath is so big it sometimes hurts people in it’s moment of anger and these moments can span from hours to days. 

when it rains like this i find myself feeling better when everyone is in the house, including the cats. it’s comforting because i know that despite all the roughness going on outside, my family is safe in one place and if something happens we’ll all be together. i find myself feeling scared for the ones i care about, wondering if they’re at home, safe, thinking the same things i do. 

when it rains like this i find myself worrying about my mom and my sister, hoping that they’ll get back safe from the grocery store. 

when it rains like this i find myself thinking and reflecting on the year, and despite how it’s left me discovering things about myself, fixing and dealing with my inner demons, it has also left me feeling smaller, lonelier with only my coping mechanisms to ease me. 

when it rains like this i realise how much i have changed, and how much i enjoy my own comfort, and if not mine than a few in my circle. i’m accustomed to my own energy, unlike how it was in the past when i was much more scattered and frazzled. 

when it rains like this i find myself thinking of everyone else who has been affected by 2020, in ways that i haven’t. i still have the privilege of having a roof above my head, and having food on the table for when i get hungry. i have the privilege of still getting my education, of having spare little fragments of time where i get to watch a movie, play some music or paint something. i have the privilege of still being able to purchase, and the privilege to have access to the internet and society. 

this whole year has been a journey so far. i’m not quite sure how it’ll affect everyone in the long run, and that’s scary to me. 

it’s just been storm after storm after storm. 

but in a way, the storm makes me believe in god a little more. makes me believe that there is a mastermind, a reason that all this is happening. although i’m not sure what my purpose is, or when my life is going to end. even better, what happens after life ends. 

sometimes the thoughts plague me, and that’s why i need to cope. 

but for now i’m just glad that i’m protected from the storm. 

in the meantime i’ll just think of a way to beat it because it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop anytime soon. 

now the storm is slowing down. over dua lipa’s “cool” playing through my earphones, i can hear the sound of grocery bags being ruffled around and the voices of my brothers quarrelling about something as usual. 

i just went outside and my mom and sister are home. the first thing my sister says is to complain about amber heard announcing that she’s still working on “aquaman 2.” they brought home famous amos cookies and some korean soy chicken. the storm has calmed down enough that both the doors are open to let in some cool air. 

i feel a little bit more at ease. i have this to grateful about and i need to remember that. now, back to my ACTUAL reflective essay. 

17th November 2020 

[helloharani]

i need weed please

sorry sir, i’m not an a**ict

[helloharani]

day nine

And the two of them watched the warm colours merge into one, behind the looming form of the shopping mall they seemed to forget and remember at the same time. The grey fortress was huge, with multiple square windows slightly illuminated with light, repeating themselves around each other.

“Hold on, I’m trying to take a picture. Could you help me hold this up?”

She puts her arm around her friend’s shoulder.

“I’ll support you.”

But the stairs seemed to be too unstable, too fragile. It was a long, long staircase. Not the kind that spiralled, thankfully. It was straight, all the way up and all the way down. Yet, the gaps between the steps showed a fall that nothing could ever be saved from.

“I can’t do it, I’m going to drop my phone. It’s too risky.”

“It’s alright, just remember it then.”

They looked up together, straining their necks against the atmosphere and watching as the ombré sky made itself visible. Deep colours of fuchsia and magenta pink, purple, and slight tinges of indigo celebrated the bright yellow and orange colours that joined them. The hues embraced each other, as the big, round sphere lowered itself from its high position – the sun.

“Wait, try again. Hold it up higher.”

She looks down, and sees something on the landing below them, an extension of the building. Wrapping paper, sharing the same gradient colour as the sky. It is rolled into a cylinder, its bottom half slightly hidden by the crevice that links the concrete slabs together.

“Look! I’ll go and grab that. It will be good for the photograph.”

She steps around her friend to the bottom step, the stairs slightly swaying with the movement.

Her friend clutches onto the steel rail.

“No! Don’t, there’s not enough time. You’ll miss the sunset.”

It’s funny how the giant alphabets on the highest point of the building blend into the sky, the exact same colour! What a coincidence. They’re in a bulky font, but somehow it all just makes sense. They don’t remember what it says, so her friend makes something up in her head. D R E A M S – perfectly spaced out, perfectly carved, the letters seem as if they’re floating amongst the clouds.

The sun starts to turn a pale yellow, the complete opposite of what it’s supposed to be; a deep orange.

And suddenly, it drops.

“Quick!”

The two link hands and run down the rickety staircase, eager to catch what is happening in front of them on solid ground, and not suspended in the air.

Reaching the first floor, they watch with a handful of other spectators, eyes glued to the sky, feet planted meters away from the entrance of the mall.

The sun morphs into several shapes, cylinders, oblongs, it even splits apart at one point.

What the hell is happening?

Almost immediately, smaller circles join in the show, pale and translucent, white ghosts surrounding the pale yellow star; a giant.

Then – everything stops.

“A hologram?”

They look at each other and let out a huge sigh, followed by a laugh. For a second it seemed like it could have been the end of the world. The same thought was running through everybody’s minds, but for some reason every soul present stayed put to watch what the world had in store for them, what the world had planned, what it was hiding.

“Just a hologram.”

 26/3/2020

Day 9 in official quarantine.

[helloharani]

Reminder

You only have to live through the worst day of your life once

[helloharani]

Dentist Appointment

Today I went to the dentist. 

The last time I went to the dentist was when I took off my braces back in 2016 (don’t condemn me please). Needless to say, I needed a checkup ASAP. 

For the past few months, the right side of my mouth has been hurting. My mom suspected it was my wisdom tooth growing out. It would come and go, but when it came it would hurt so much that I would have trouble eating. 

I finally went today. Even though I had a generally long, tiring week last week, I managed to wake up at around 9 a.m. this morning. My mom and I left the house at around 11 a.m., and parked the car at Atria so we could walk to the dentist. 

The interior of the dentist was a mixture of white and mint, but not the bright mint colour - more of like a greyer shade of pastel mint and green combined. It wasn’t a huge place, but it was really comforting and homey. No polished floors, bright lights and strong clinical smells like most generic dentists. The best part was the music, it was the kind of oldie music that sounded like it was playing out from a box radio. 

When I was called into the room, I was greeted by the dentist. He was a very nice old man, although I can’t remember his name. He told me there was nothing wrong with my wisdom tooth, and it was merely because my upper tooth was chewing down too hard on my gums. “They say your wisdom tooth starts to hurt during exam season because you get stressed out.” I couldn’t help but smile. 

While he cleaned my teeth, he would continuously hum to the music and talk to me. I didn’t even feel scared at all. In fact, I felt really content.

There’s practically no point at all in me writing this. I just wanted this to be a reminder to myself that there are wholesome, good things in this messed up world. 

To better days,

and cleaner teeth.

15th April 2019

[helloharani]

i am truly, truly, alone.

[helloharani]

Team Baby

Ever since I first listened to it, Team Baby immediately scored a place in my heart as one of my favourite K-Indie albums. I’m lucky enough to be able to own a physical copy of this album, gifted to me from Yan during his trip to Korea earlier this year. 

I was first introduced to The Black Skirts by Kasih. She came over one day and played the track “Everything” for me on YouTube. The song broke my heart (in a good way), and I’ve been listening to their stuff since then. At that point, Team Baby hadn’t been released yet and I never thought Jo Hyu-il could top the material he had already produced, because it was just too good. 

And then, one fine day, the music video for “Who do you love” was released and it blew my mind, both the song and the video. Soon after came the full album, and... I just didn’t know what to say anymore. 

Team Baby is the type of album to play while you’re having a long hot shower, or while you’re driving home alone at night and the roads are long and quiet. I wouldn’t say it’s a sad album. This album has its fair share of both sad and happy songs. The two different moods balance each other out, but what ties them together is the similar mellow sound they all individually have. Since there’s a variety in moods, you can practically listen to this album when you’re happy, when you’re sad, when you feel dull, or when you feel warm. Personally, it’s the type of album I like to listen to when I’m feeling numb. I’m the type of person who likes to compare moods to colours, so whenever I feel like this (refer to picture below), I put this album on. 

Another thing I like about this album is its use of instruments. The instruments they use come from such a wide range. I can hear the strings, the keys, the woodwinds, and even the brass instruments. The best part is that they all melt together so well. But of course, we can’t forget Jo Hyu-il’s voice. His voice makes you feel like you’re floating on clouds. It engulfs you like a haze, encasing you in the music so you can hear every little detail. 

My favourite track from this album has got to be “Who do you love.” I really really vouch for this song - it’s actually one of my favourite songs of all time. This song is the kind of song that I want to slow dance to with the love of my life (if I ever find him hahah). The lyrics on their own are so strong and raw, and the melody itself is so beautifully constructed. I’ve told Kasih before that I want to be able to write a song like this, a song people can slow dance to, and hopefully Senja will be able to make one together one day. 

For anyone who hasn’t explored K-Indie but is planning on doing so, I recommend you start with this album, because it’s amazing. Once you’re done, check out his other stuff - I personally would recommend “Hollywood” and “I like watching you go.” 

Thank you for reading and let’s all support our favourite artists together!

4th October 2018

[helloharani]

Have I lost it yet?

It’s the end of September, and I think I’m finally losing it, whatever “it” is. 

Here’s a short (or not-so-short) life update. 

Senja has been on a month long break since our last “gig”, a recording for CrapTV at the end of August. We came to the decision that it was time for a short break so we could work on our own personal skills. I’m disappointed to say that I didn’t do much during this break, not because I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t. 

I feel like I’ve lost my passion for the piano. It sucks to admit it, but I really think I have. Countless times this month I’ve tried to practice, but in the end, all I’ve done is learn one and a half new songs (and this took ages). I keep getting demotivated, or lazy, or a mix of both. But, it’s mainly because I don’t feel what I used to feel when I touched the keys. A few days ago, I sat down at my piano and played... but I didn’t feel anything at all. I felt blank, like a white sheet of paper. So I stopped playing, and I sat there, and teared. Yeap, I didn’t even cry. As a matter of fact, I haven’t been crying, even when I’m supposed to cry, or when I want to cry, I can’t cry. I think I’ve become somewhat emotionless. It kinda scares me. 

My frustration towards the keys affects me during rehearsals, and I’ve begun to get irritated fast, both at myself and other people. So, I spend most at my time at home, where I can do nothing in peace, despite my parents nagging at me. Sure, I go out sometimes, but it’s usually for lunch, or for gigs, ice cream or a movie. 

When I’m at home, my inability to do anything, may it be big or small, frustrates me so much that I nap. I stay up at night, lay down and think of an infinite amount of things, drift off to sleep and wake up again. By the time I’m fully awake, it’s noon, and I do the same thing over and over again. Wasted days and wasted nights. 

I have a lot of things to worry about, and so I worry. I worry and worry and worry, but I don’t do anything productive. I find it a chore to even reply messages on Whatsapp and my other social media. I just swipe through without leaving a mark so I can remain a ghost for as long as I can.

I think the lack of Senja gigs, rehearsals, anything, has turned me into a lifeless piece of nothing. I feel like I have nothing to work towards because there are no datelines, no pressure. If I go on living like this, I’ll never make it. I need to psych myself into always moving my gears.

But today, I achieved a few things and I’m a little shocked at myself. I finished reading a novel I started two days ago, and old favourite titled “Delirium” by Lauren Oliver. I had three small meals which I don’t feel bad about. I sat at my piano and tried to play. I went for a 2 km jog and took a shower afterwards. I did my skincare routine (which I’ve been neglecting), prayed and even wore my retainers. Now, I’m sitting down on the couch upstairs, updating my Tumblr while Ocean Waves plays on TV. I tried learning the theme on the piano but gave up after less than a minute of trying. Listening to the theme made my heart ache a little, and so I figured I’d let the movie play in the background like I always did a few months back. This movie always makes me feel better (which reminds me, I wrote a half-assed post about it... it’s still in my drafts and I will fix it!) Tonight, I’m going to write about everything that I should have written about, but didn’t. I’ll backtrack slowly and try to find myself again in the process. 

I just need to get back into it slowly... and by “it”, I mean everything. I’ll start writing again. Writing, reading, painting and running. And whatever relationship I had with my piano that I lost, I’ll find it again. 

I’m still demotivated, hopeless and sad, but a little less than before. It’s okay to be lost!! ^_^

26th September 2018

[helloharani]

Sweet Dreams?

The most accurate Google image I could find of the high tide ocean in my dream last night. 

Here’s a long essay that no one asked for. 

I try to remember most of the dreams I have, but most of the time I end up failing. I only remember a handful of them, or sometimes random ones come back to memory. The first dream I can ever remember having had to do with a yellow and white ice cream monster and my kindergarten. Did my kindergarten turn into the ice cream monster? I can’t remember. I was there, but I was with someone, maybe my cousin? I can’t remember. 

Another vivid one from my childhood had to do with a fish and it’s life story, written in pictures on a leaf above my grandmother’s fish pond. I’ve had a handful of scary ones too. Earthquakes, walking past the toll on an empty highway clad in my yellow Flounder towel, being trapped in a cave, being alone. 

Yesterday night I had a dream which was quite strange. There were both happy and sad moments. I was on a holiday at a huge water park with my friends and family. I remember being left behind while everyone went on the rides. Even after I asked them where they were, I still ended up spending the day alone. The water park was a high building surrounded by water, the ocean perhaps? After spending the day alone I walked up and down many confusing levels to see everyone playing cards in separate groups. I remember jumping back into the ocean, all the way from the rooftop (even though I was already dry), just to see if my mermaid tail and hair would change colour from what it was previously (it didn’t). It was quite bland to be honest, my tail a pastel orange and my hair pastel purple, almost grey. At the end of the day, the tide rose, so high that it was almost the same level as the rooftop. It was sunset at that time. I remember looking out at the glistening ocean (it was literally sparkling) and how the contrast of the ocean and the sky fit so well. I also remember my mom saying that Mahmoud would really love to jump in the ocean, but he couldn’t because we were leaving. 

I really like having dreams -

But what’s it like to have real dreams?  What’s it like to have ambition?

 I wouldn’t know. 

I was scrolling through Twitter, and I came upon Namjoon’s post on the fan cafe in 2015, about him turning 22. He wrote about ambition, and how different his actual 22nd birthday is from the perception of his 16 year old self. Nevertheless, his dream was to make music, and he achieved it.

Now that I look back, I never really had an ambition, or a real dream. I always had trouble filling up my biodata and writing down essays about “My Ambition”. I always resorted to putting down doctor, or veterinarian (because I could write about how I loved animals). As I got older, I used to say astronaut because I was (and still am) curious about space. I spent all my free time reading about space and even wrote down all the dates of the meteor showers in my planner. By the time I turned 17, I became completely dreamless, except for the fact that I wanted to open a flower shop before I died. 

I don’t have a dream... and that upsets me. No wonder it’s so hard for me to find something I want to study. No wonder I’m lost. 

I have no passion.

A few years ago, I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like out of high school, when I turned 18. Now I’m 18 turning 19, and I can’t imagine what my life will be like in a few years. 

Will I still be the same as I am now? Rotting away at home, letting my thoughts eat away my insides? Or will I be happy? 

I think this whole “break” thing is taking a toll on me. After finishing Foundation, I did plan on taking a break, but I didn’t think the break would be this long. I didn’t think I would be lost for this long. 

I guess the fact that I have no shifts at work this month, and the break from Senja gigs makes it even worse. I think my lack of productivity is contributing to my many recent failures (yep, I failed both my driving test and my motorbike test). People say it isn’t a big thing, but it is to me because I literally have nothing else to prove my worth. At this point, I just don’t want to disappoint my parents anymore. I’ve realised how much they’ve done and sacrificed for me, and honestly (I know this sounds cliché but) I just want to make them proud. As of now, I have nothing except my toxic thoughts. With my recent failures, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t see people when I’m upset. So I lock myself in my room for the whole day as a punishment, and I bawl my eyes out for every single frustration that comes to mind. I throw things at my wall, tissue boxes, fists, and sometimes my head. It irritates other people, the fact that I lock myself up. But I can’t see any other way to temporarily heal myself at a fast pace.  

You know how they say that every time you dream, it’s actually a glimpse at the life of another you, in a different universe or a different reality.

To all the me’s out there, whenever and wherever, I sincerely hope you never find yourself in a situation like the me here. I hope you never have to feel this way, because it really freaking sucks. 

Here’s to happier dreams, in fantasy and reality. 

31st May 2018

[helloharani]

Most of the time my rants are let out on my private Instagram account, or sometimes I just keep them in. I felt like I should post this one here because no one reads this stupid blog anyway. If I were to put it on Instagram my friends would call me out and tell me I’m wrong (which I’m not) or people would think that I’m just trying to attract attention and get sympathy (which I am also not).

I just want to emphasize on how much of a failure I am, in many ways.

In my whole family, I’m probably the one who’s looked down upon the most, because I never achieve things. My cousins are doctors, straight A students, superstars, gymnasts, architects, engineers, food scientists and athletes. But me? I’m the one who’s at home most of the time, and if i’m not home, then i’m with my friends. I’m seen as rebellious because I’m the one with the nose piercing, I’m the one who invites friends over the most, I’m the most carefree. I can’t get good grades. I can’t even park a car. I’m not even average. Plus, I’m the worst looking in the family.

Another thing I want to touch on is Senja. Senja is the only thing that I can be proud of... yet, I can’t. Even though I put in as much effort as I can, I’m still the one who contributes the least. So who’s to say that I can be proud if I can’t even be a part of the process? I can’t sing, I can’t write lyrics, I can’t write music, I can’t make up my own melodies, I can’t even read notes. Technically, Kasih, Myra and Nazrin are the whole band. Senja can prosper without me. I’m not important. All I can do is press a few keys over and over again. It sucks to know that I will never be important, even when it comes to something that I really want to be a part of.

Work? I haven’t worked this month. I’m just rotting away at home, while Diyana is working her ass off. I wish I had slots too, I wish someone wanted to hire me like how everyone wants to hire Diyana. But they know I’m not capable because I mess up even the smallest things. I can’t even clean a door properly.

5 months into the year and I still don’t know what I want to study, let alone do for the rest of my life. Knowing my bad luck, I’ll probably study something I won’t end up enjoying and then I’ll be jobless until I die. I hope I die an early death.

I guess it’s safe to say that I’ll always be a disappointment to my family, friends, and teachers. I don’t have to say myself. I let myself down so many times that I know to never have high hopes ever again.

That is all.

(photos are taken from the Planetarium scene in La La land, my favourite scene in the whole movie)

21st May 2018

[helloharani]

A day at the beach

Last week, Marshmallow Pancake (minus Myra) went to the beach to celebrate Am’s birthday! Kasih planned this trip a few weeks before, and so the nine of us made our way to Bagan Lalang in Sepang. We took a lot of pictures, so this post is going to be a long one. 

We all gathered at Bustanu in the morning and spent some time playing Mario Kart on Zim’s Nintendo Switch while snacking on some egg sandwiches I made the night before (I take pride in my egg sandwiches ok).

We split into two cars (Kasih, Zim, Luqman, and Emma) (Am, Alee, Diyana, Yan and me). On the way there, we stopped by a petrol station and for the whole ride, Yan and I disturbed everyone with our disgusting methods of eating our Scoox candy. 

Upon arriving, we wanted to go to the bundle shop by the beach but sadly, it was closed. So instead, we went to go have lunch at one of the restaurants by the beach. 

We had some kerang bakar, ikan tiga rasa, udang goreng tepung (there was no sotong) and kangkung! 

After lunch, we looked for a good spot on the beach and found one below a tree. We then changed to our swimming suits and played some intense frisbee. That day, I realised I pretty much suck at frisbee, but it’s fine. At least I tried :(

I really wanted to go in but I couldn’t because I was on my p... :(

some group pictures!! we’re so cute >.<

The weather was really nice, most of the time it was cloudy and sometimes it would drizzle a little bit. There weren’t many people on the beach, so we basically had the whole place to ourselves. 

The birthday boy!

Luqman and the ice cream man

Yan and I (as you can see I look really buncit, it’s because of lunch ok...)

Kasih wearing my “chibai maruko-chan” hat that was named by Am

This super dramatic photo of Diyana and Yan

Kasih and Luqman

Emma, Yan, Alee and I

Me eating my sandwich. I can’t decide if I look angry or cute. 

Alee and I 

Yes, very buncit. 

We even tried taking some jump shots... 

Once it started to get dark, it was finally time to start the barbecue! We brought along Luqman’s bbq pit and the day before, Am, Luqman and Kasih bought some chicken and sausages which Luqman marinated with some honey and mustard. 

We also played more frisbee, and I played football with a few kids who were playing by the beach. 

Kasih even approaced these two girls who brought their kitten to the beach! Kunyit was a really pretty cat, and since it was low tide, she was walking around on the wet sand. 

sorry about my bad skin

While Luqman cooked the chicken and sausages, Yan, Diyana and Am made another fire to prevent the mosquitoes from coming to us. 

Alee and Zim attacking the chicken!! Yum yum

Most of the time, the cats that visited us went to Zim because he fed them the most. Here is Zim advising the cat to not smoke.

More pictures of us... sorry about the overload, but where else can I post them right? 

At about 9 p.m., we packed up our stuff and threw all our rubbish away. We then headed back to Bustanu to rest and clean up. 

The drive back was filled with Malay rock jiwang karaoke and racist (not really ok) jokes. 

When we got back, guess what we did?

Yeap. More Mario Kart. 

Zim vs. Yan (the two legends, where is Emma??)

Am and I are tied again with our score, but just wait till I beat him again!! 

Even though it wasn’t a high end holiday/road trip to Perhentian or the Bahamas, it was better than nothing. The beach wasn’t the cleanest beach in the world, but it was nice to finally be out of the city, by the ocean instead, with good company. This day trip was a good no brainer day for everyone, where we could just forget about work, studies and our responsibilities. It was a good temporary escape from reality. Even if it lasted for a few hours, I feel like we needed it.

All in all, it really was a good day at the beach. 

27th April 2018

[helloharani]

Senja’s current form

A few weeks back, we released a poster saying that we were looking for a drummer. Initially, we wanted the drummer to be preferably a girl (to keep the all-girl status), but look at where we are now!! Hahaha

To avoid flaky-ness, we have adopted drummer man, Nazrin and bassist boy, Azmir into our little Senja family as resident sessionists. and we love them to death. 

Nazrin is the former drummer of Lust, he’s practically a pro. We were always very confused as to why he would want to play with kids like us who half the time, are laughing or crying. A few days ago, he told us that he enjoys drumming with us and he finally found the lost feeling that was missing all this while when he drummed. He thinks he’s not good enough but honestly he’s too good for us. Our songs sound 200% better with drums, and he’s so so talented. Mr. drummer Nazrin, you deserve the world and you deserve to be happy. We will protect you at all costs!!

Azmir on the other hand, is someone who I’ve always known but never truly known until last year, and I’m very thankful to call him my friend. He takes A-levels at HELP (good luck Azmir), I hope he does well! He deserves it. Azmir is a reaaaaally talented bassist and guitarist and he’s a real joker. Thank you Azmir for always being so down-to-Earth and for sending me home when I have no transport. I can’t wait for us to be famous!!

Other than that, we have relocated. 

Our new practice space is now at Kasih’s house! Uncle Azhar helped us rearrange the small space in the living room, and now it’s a studio. Our main reason for playing there instead was because of the drums (so we could play without disturbing many people). Personally, I’m quite comfortable with the space. Anyone can come and go, and there are pretty lights and posters! 

Here are some pictures I took during one of our rehearsals!

The circular light ball is my favourite. I named him Ned.

Our whole set-up.

We really are a mess, but in a good way. We joke around so much, but sometimes they turn out to be something cool! We created our “theme song” (I guess you could call it that) because we were fooling around. A bat came into Kasih’s house and started flying around, so we decided to play background music for it. Hence, “The Bat is Coming” was born. 

Ya.

Things like this makes me happy. 

23rd April 2018