Hello Lavender Rose

various whimsy bits n things // student|20|canada|she/her

[hellolavenderrose]

some thoughts tonight

All my favourite music is the music that I’ve listened to with you.

I can’t paint, draw, write, or sing without thinking of you.

I want to send anonymous love letters. And hope you never read them.

I want you to send them back.

That’s all I want.

[allthingsshabbyandbeautiful-dea]

[hellolavenderrose]

You fucking fucker. Bullshit I forgot.

[alfea]

i hope the lesbian painter from kiki’s delivery service is having a good day today

[hellolavenderrose]

Gorgeous image I painting this eve. Try and find the original in the #mountains tag 😜

[studyingandspirituality]

Cozy vibes ✌

[sleepin]

[hellolavenderrose]

A Wintry Tea Date

I was so lucky this month to be taken out by my beaux for a day downtown in London! We bundled up real cozy for the day but it was still a blast in the -15 degree weather.

We brunched at Billies, a deli and breakfast nook hidden down west Dundas Street, and then ventured out for the rest of the afternoon to explore. The public library was first on the trip, where we played chess and checkers. Sadly I lost harshly both chess games but then won both checkers games, ha!

Bo was determined to show me the Wisdom Teashop at 610 Dundas where we learnt about matcha tea, sipped drinks and took pics together! I had no idea that one cup of matcha tea is approximately the equivalent of drinking 8 to 10 cups of regular green tea; it really gave Bo a punch of caffeine. Wisdom has such a lovely display and selection of teas from all over Canada as well as teapots and mugs that make fabulous gifts and collection items. We were in awe at the classical art mugs that are also used for in-store drinks. Next time I’m determined to try their Japanese crepes...

I hope everyone is staying warm in this wintry weather this month! Don’t forget to drink some tea to cozy up.

[hellolavenderrose]

Obligatory New Years Address

It’s 2018. It’s four in the afternoon. I’m still nursing a hangover and trying to drink lots of water.

I want to be hopeful and classy and write out a whole obnoxious list of things that I want to do and accomplish and hope for for the next twelve months, but honesty, I can’t do it.

I’d much rather forget trying to do that and instead make a commitment to wanting to practice taking care of myself. I want to practice non-attachment and radical acceptance so that I can better take care of my mental health and well-being. I want so much for this to be the year that us millennials take the time to cut toxic people, take time to put our mental health first, and surround ourselves with love and celebrations of who we are.

So here’s to a year where we love, accept, and enjoy all the little things.

[falseknees]

Spring is the fucking greatest

[hellolavenderrose]

Shit it’s good to be alive.

Time to do me. No fucking around this time.

[robertjw4688]

Drying The Bones

I tore out my

skeleton

bone by

bone

and placed it by the

sun to

dry from

years of

crying.

The crackling of the

cartilage was like

fireworks,

lighting up the

sky with

effervescent catharsis.

By now, a

crowd gathered to

watch as I

placed my

skeleton back into my

flesh.

They watched in

terror as every

bone snapped into

place but they’ve

never been

reborn

I suppose;

they cried and

screamed while I just

shrugged,

smiled, and

strutted away.

[bridieellenphotography-blog]

B l o o m . 

[hellolavenderrose]

I need something uplifting on my feed after that rant. I feel terrible now and I have to head to class...

[hellolavenderrose]

Just a Rant

Is it possible to always feel unwanted? Lately things have felt... off between my partner and I. We had discussed breaking up, but after this past week, there’s nothing I want less than to be cast aside once again simply because of my lack of sexual drive and motivation to take care of myself. I’m more than a body you know? I can clean and bake and decorate and support and share but even among all that, I’m not good enough because my body isn’t available to be used.

I realized recently that it’s possible that my sex drive has completely fell off the wagon simply because of my antidepressants. I forgot that lowered libido is a common symptom of these kinds of drugs and I just made the connection this week between the two. I’m going to have to make an appointment sometime soon to be able to change things up and hopefully get back to some sort of “normal”. I worry that it’s too late, of course, since my boyfriend shows no enthusiasm whatsoever for me to come back to him riled up and ready to go, but for now I’m simply hoping for the best whenever things do get changed.

Since I’ve moved, I feel like things have gotten better for him and worse for me. I almost killed myself a couple weeks ago and he still was pushing me to move out as soon as possible. Meanwhile at this new place where I’m living, I no longer make meals or food regularly enough to keep my stomach from growling during the days and nights. I sleep on a couch that has started to mess with my back, and I can’t even go to the chiropractors any longer since my benefits have run out and I can’t afford $40 a week visits every single week. On the other hand, my partner has started going out more, hanging with friends and not being home as much because I’m no longer there to prevent him from having his life. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t need to take care of someone like me anymore. 

Every night I want to talk to him and call him and be there with him as much as I can now that we won’t be able to see each other every day, but he doesn’t even seem to want to make plans with me during the week. We were supposed to go out to the movies together last Wednesday, it was written on the calendar we had up on the fridge, and I thought maybe he would remember since I knew it was coming up and I’ve seen posts about the movie. He was originally so excited to go see it, but when I brought up the missed date this morning, he sort of brushed it off. “Maybe we can go this week?” I mentioned. And my reply was basically just a “Maybe, yeah.” in between playing Farcry and letting me do my own thing while I was there at the apartment.

I don’t even know what to call the apartment anymore. It feels like home to me, but I’m no longer living there and no longer wanted. Where I live now also doesn’t feel like home; I’m living in my friends living room - and illegally at that. I think.

[hellolavenderrose]

This upcoming weeks bujo weekly spread!

[hellolavenderrose]

I wanted to write something today, but everything feels void of emotion. The wet, dreary weather outside happens to reflect how I’m feelings today. Blank. Tired. Cold. Ugh.

The struggle today is no different from the struggle every other day, today just happens to be affecting me more than usual. I have things to do today but it’s all going to feel terribly monotonous though without knowing why I’m doing all of this.

For now I feel like things have to be taken by the hour. This morning I’ve managed to get dressed, take the dog outside, made tea, put on a touch of makeup, but I feel like I’m living in someone else’s body. I can’t recognize myself in the mirror. I don’t know who I am. Every step seems new and dangerous.

Maybe it’s just my plethora of mental illnesses coming out to play with me, maybe I'm just lost in another existential crisis.

Writing helps. Somewhat. I can lay out all my thoughts here, not caring who or what reads them. I don’t have to make sense here, in this dreary little corner of the world-wide-web. I can rant or think or compare or list, just to get it all out of my head. This leaves me empty once again, with space to plant new seeds once the sky has rained itself out. Let’s just hope that I make it through to see the rainbow.

[star-plasma]

LGBT+ PRIDE (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

[raideo]

yo I usually don’t comment outside of tags anymore cuz I don’t like to clutter up posts too much but these are fucking DOPE AS HELL

[hellolavenderrose]

Bullet journal for this week! 🌸🌼🌸