𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐇𝐀𝐃 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐃 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐀 𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐌 somehow, she knew that she couldn’t keep the shadow world from clary forever nor could she hide from her past forever, but after sixteen years it seemed like maybe she could everything dark && bad about what happened with the circle would just 𝐅𝐀𝐃𝐄 away like a memory. jocelyn thought she would feel happy that she had her baby boy again, that he wasn’t actually dead, but she wasn’t happy at all. of course she was pleased that he was going to be okay, that heavenly fire had burned all impurities away, but she knew that there was not going to be some sort of 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐘 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑 there would be a trial, the clave would be heavily involved in trying to execute him, jonathan would have his own mental turmoil, && there was no way he would trust either him or luke anytime soon. && her heart, her soul ached for her 𝐁𝐀𝐁𝐘 𝐁𝐎𝐘 because there was almost nothing she could do to make things better.
while jocelyn was 𝐄𝐗𝐇𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐃 now, having sat with her son in the hospital room in idris for the entire time he had been here, making sure that nobody tried to hurt him in his sleep, she couldn’t bring herself to rest for more than a moment. the only time she took a nap was when luke was there to watch over jonathan for her, but he was back home with 𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐘 today so it was up to her to keep him company. she was almost losing hope that he’d ever awaken when she was 𝐒𝐔𝐃𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐋𝐘 caught by surprise, her hand pulling away as her boy shot up && started thrashing around like he was being held underwater, obviously having a violent panic attack, not knowing where he was or what was happening.
❝ baby, shh, no, jonathan, please you’re going to be okay. mommy is here, yeah ?? i’m here. you’re in a hospital, okay ?? you’re going to be okay. ❞ her voice shook, but she tried to be gentle && comforting. her hand reached up to try && pull him back, but she pulled her hand away, realising that he might 𝐍𝐎𝐓 want her to touch him.
his chest heaved, lungs trying to suck in enough air to calm himself though almost immediately they exhaled. jon could feel himself becoming light headed, heartbeat erratic as he pulled forcefully at the metal that held his arms to the bed rails before hearing a familiar, shaking voice beside him. green eyes flickered over to his left side, freezing up like a deer in the headlights as jocelyn made an attempt to soothe her eldest child. he had never thought of jocelyn of his mother before, but there was a wave of emotion that overcame him at the words the young man barely holding back tears. “ a hospital?” he repeated hoarsely, possessing the voice of a man who hadn’t spoken in some time. “why am i here, mother?” the word was foreign on his tongue but seemed to fit.
he seemed very much boyish in his hospital gown despite the dark circles that marked his skin, quite different than the blood lusting man he seemed to be months prior in edom. a hot pain spread from the middle of his chest, wet warmth making his gown stick to his skin slick with blood from tearing where his wound had been closing its self up.
“ why didn’t you let me die?” the words came out before he had time to think about them, though having true raw emotions other than anger were so new to jonathan he was unsure he would have been able to keep them back even if he had. “ i wish you would have let me die.” he let his body fall back against the bed, uncaring about any damage he may have caused to himself in the process. he would rather have died, he decided. it would have been better for everyone including himself if he had.