hell’s sound

poems and quotes

[hells-sound]

i am not a pretty girl

i am not a perfect girl

i don’t have a loving doting family

or pride in everything i do

i don’t have perfect health

or perfect teeth

or the perfect group of friends

i don’t have a terrible home life either

nobody in my family assaults me

they don’t go out of their way to annoy me

they don’t hate me

i’m not imperfect in some cute way

i’m just a girl

a girl who can’t relax

even though i know no one is there

a girl who can’t sleep with the lights out

a girl who has hands that aren’t steady

hands that curl in automatically

ready for a fight that will never come

a girl who has my head in a book

and my nose in the clouds

or is it the other way around?

a girl who focuses on the tiniest insignificant things

because i think they might be important

a girl who thinks i might be sociopathic

but prays that i’m autistic

because i don’t like not having empathy

or no understanding of the way people feel

i’m a girl with friends who aren’t there

in every meaning of the phrase

a girl who’s thumbs hurt from incessant texting

and not to people who i’ve ever met

i’m a girl who doesn’t trust authority

but i follow it anyway

with no justification than cowardice

i’m a girl who can’t learn another language

but will watch movies in that language anyway

because i like to pretend

that my mind isn’t slow

and i’m smarter than they think

i’m a girl who survives solely out of spite

because nothing else peaks my interest enough

i’m a girl who will write anything and everything

because i rarely feel the emotions myself

so i give them to someone else

i’m a girl who loves the fictional world

for fantastical reasons

and daydream about the day i’ll get sucked into some death world

i’m just a girl

who lives in the middle

with my own problems

and my own worries

and my brand new tears

without a door to close on them

just a curtain to hide behind

like a child who pretends

or maybe just hopes

that nobody can see them

- me

[hells-sound]

just because i don’t look at you

like you’re my whole world

doesn’t mean i look at you with disdain

it just means i don’t look at you

like you’re my whole world

- excerpt from a poem i’m working on

[hells-sound]

have you ever danced

with the night in your arms

and bare feet?

it’s exhilarating.

my throat hurts

and my feet are cold

but i feel alive.

i laughed at the night

because it looked so silly,

all starry eyed and moon faced.

but he laughed back

because i looked just as silly,

with wet socks and bent glasses,

but we were laughing.

the night told me i looked beautiful,

and i said he looked gorgeous.

nobody told me

that you could laugh like this.

i dressed up for the night

and he put on his best sky for me

he said he loved me

and i said i could not

and he said it was fine

that liking it was enough

-me

[hells-sound]

we live in a society

where your worth is dictated

by how well you fit into a box

and, at first, the box was big

all encompasses

there was room for everyone’s stuff

but then

the box got smaller

and you had to get rid of things

or get out

we live in a society

where your worth is dictated

by how good you look in a certain outfit

and most people would

but to get that outfit

you have to jump through hoops

you have to be rich

you have to be slim

you have to be smart

you have to be pretty

you have to be

not you

and suddenly that outfit doesn’t look good on anyone

because nobody can fit in

- me

[hells-sound]

at one point

we are going to facetime and just sit there

doing nothing but working on our portfolios

or go on walks in our respective neighbourhoods

just to say we've been

or go to each others birthday parties

and be obnoxiously loud

and the birthday girl will act all annoyed

but secretly love the fuck out of it

because there's someone there who does stuff like that for them

it will be better when we live together

because then we can do that stuff with physical contact

cuddles on the couch

while we watch some horror movie on netflix

before deciding that

two o clock in the afternoon is too late to be watching any sort of horror

so we'll slip in captain america tfa

the disk because

this is worth the investment, i promise

we won't have to rely on wifi

and coo over pre-serum steve

while we relive our childhoods

for the four hundredth time

baking parties

where we probably made a mess

and you might have powdered sugar on your nose

and there's definitely fruit in my hair

but the kitchen smells delightful

and the old lady next door knocks on the door just to say so

so she gets one of the pies we made

and then we dissolve into giggles because

why can't everyone be as nice as ms dayer

cleaning sessions

where we're singing along to the insanely loud music

blasting songs that don't need to be blasted from the speakers

and we both get wet

but that's fine

the kitchen's clean

and the laundry was going to go in anyway

writing sessions

where we sit in complete silence

while we tap on our keyboards

the laptops are like ten years old

but they have files from highschool

highschool, dan. do you know how much i wrote in high school?

running ideas by each other with enthusiasm because

my publisher said yes and this is gonna be the big break, i can feel it

walks through the city or the town

where we share earbuds to listen to a podcast and

there are young children right across the street

but there's also a bakery

and it'll never taste as good as the things we make together

but you bought it for me

so i enjoy it just as much

visits to a pet shelter

because even though we love loki

he's a bitch

and we just want to surround ourselves with puppies that exude happiness

and maybe we accidentally adopt that small tuxedo kitten who's being bullied

but loki loves bianca and

it's not like we can bring her back now

evening meals

that are always put off until the last possible moment because

the day can't possibly be over now

but it is

so i make the most of it

and cook something that you refuse to believe has broccoli in it

even though you watched me cook the dish

there's no  green, e

there can't be broccoli

nights where neither one of us fancies being lonely

or someone had a panic

or a nightmare

so somehow we end up tangled up in a ball of blankets and limbs

i'll wake up to my ungodly alarm

and shove my newly showered hair in your face because

it's time to get your lazy ass up we're going to be late for work

and maybe you tease me for the mickey mouse plush

but i see your captain america

and remind you of book week during sixth year

and i get a face full of pillow

but you're smiling so i know anger is the last thing on your mind

breakfasts

where i might have fed you too much sugar

and you definitely tried to switch our mugs

but i like the smell of coffee

and maybe my sleepy time tea will bring you down from your sugar high before you crash

and we woke up at four in the morning

but we're still rushing out the door

and barely stopping to kiss ms dayer on the cheek

but she packed a lunch for us

so it's only polite that we invite her over for dinner

but we really have to go

thank you so much, ms dayer

we're going to be happy

i can promise you that

and even if it's not me that you find valhalla with

at least it's out there

and you'll know what to expect

because you deserve everything you want

and so much more.

-me

[hells-sound]

if i were a celestial body

i think i’d be the moon

dark and hidden during the day

but bright and playful when everyone else is asleep

except for once a month

when i am just as asleep as everyone else

a quiet influence on the tides of seas

if you were a celestial body

i think you’d be the sun

too bright and gorgeous for most of the world

but never ashamed of being the largest thing in the sky

a warm light on everyone around

if we were celestial bodies

we would be opposing each other

but the moon would not shine without the sun

and the sun would be too hot without the moon

if we were celestial bodies

we’d be the same as we are now

just bigger and brighter

and certainly less thought about

i quite like being star dust

but being a star might be too much work

although, in all honesty, if you were to be the sun

i would be your moon

i don’t think i’d ever leave

- e.m.

[hells-sound]

i want to read

i want to immerse myself in something

something so wonderfully crafted, i never want to emerge

i want the words to surround me like air

and the pages to cover me like blankets

i want to live in the worlds where everything has a deeper meaning

and if it doesn’t

we find one anyway

i want to read about things that happened years ago

i want to read about something so far in the future, i’ll never see it myself

i want to read about things that will never happen outside of our imagination

i want to read about a world i can fix with just a small word change

because nothing i do in the world i’m in will ever have any difference now

i want to read

because reading is better than living

it’s magnificent

- me

[hells-sound]

can you hear

the sound of the dark

the cries of the dead

the wails of the lost

i've heard them for far longer

they sing me to sleep

and comfort my soul

i was afraid to be without light

i was afraid to be without direction

but the voices aren't that scary anymore

they're just lonely

hell often is

- me