helsnyc

main, sides @helsync for writing

[haveihitanerve]

Batman on Truth Serum except it's genuinely not bad it's just his unfiltered thoughts

Like he can't understand rhetorical questions because its truth serum and like generally he just keeps thoughts to himself instead of speaking so he's just-

Hal: damn who died and put you in charge? Bruce: My parents ~ Oliver: okay, show of hands, who saw this coming? Bruce: *raises hand* ~ Barry: Bro I got fired and they wouldn't give me my last paycheck. Has that ever happened to you? Bruce: Me. The billionaire. The Wayne heir. Have I ever lost my job and not been given a paycheck? Barry:... Bruce: Do you want some cash? Barry: yes please. ~ Diana: I can't believe the humans would let this happen Bruce: I can. The species notorious for killing each other and having no respect for the natural world? who could have guessed that? Me. (Yes he answers his own rhetorical questions) ~ Clark: Did you just get stabbed? Bruce: The blade that just entered the side of my body- my flesh, natural human born- body? Do you define 'getting stabbed' as a blade entering my body? Because then Yes, Kal. I did just get stabbed.

like.

[nina-s0]

Bruce introducing his kids to the justice League:

Bruce: and he's my third son-

Hal: so your telling me that you adopted an acrobat that somehow became the heir to the court of owls, a street kid who died, came back to life, became a villan and is now a vigilante, your neighbour who found you when u were lost in time and brought you back to life, and who was the last one? oh yeah, the child of Lady Shiva and David fucking Cain.

Hal: what's next? You babysit for the league of assasins too?

Bruce:

Dick:

Clark:

Damian:

[abcdfghjklmpqrobin]

Au where Batman doesn't want to tell the Justice League his secret identity but it's because he's really embarrassed about the things he's done as Bruce Wayne.

The thing is; Batman has spent years crafting and perfecting his public persona.

'Brucie Wayne' is supposed to be a dumber than life himbo, with daddy's credit card and the maturity of a seventeen year old. He's supposed to be someone so outlandishly ridiculous no one would ever even dare to mention him in the same sentence as Batman... And Batman has been acting that part perfectly.

It's a genius plan.

But then the league begins talking about maybe all sharing their secret identities, to become closer as a group and work better together. And the only thing in Batman's mind is 'Oh. My. God. Please don't'

Superman is saying something about trust and how he has come to value all of them as friends. Batman is thinking about last year Christmas' Gala, where he took off his clothes in an improvised strip-tease, and started swimming in the fountain.

Wonder woman is talking about how she wishes to strengthen their bonds so they become greater warriors. Bruce just remembered there's videos of him fucking twerking and pole dancing to Ariana Grande all over the internet.

Flash starts smiling and telling them he already trust them with his life– Bruce once said chocolate milk came from brown cows.

'Oh. My. God'.

There's just no way he's telling any of them.

[s0m30n3n01]

Bruce Wayne loves his kids. It's very well known.

An interview about Wayne Enterprise's lastest technology turns into a show and tell of Damian's latest drawings.

Bruce goes on a late night show and stops the show halfway through because Dick sent him a text asking which suit he should where for his date (Bruce got the audience to help him out- they decided he should wear the blue one).

Bruce goes out to to the Iceberg Lounge, gets drunk, and spends the rest of the night talking to Oswald Cobblepot about how well Duke is doing in school.

Batman has a run-in with one of Red Hood's gangs, and they have to sit through Jason's baby stories if they don't want to go to jail.

Tim is in a press conference when Bruce barges in with chicken soup and cough medicine because Tim has a cold and should've stayed home.

Bruce posts on his social media accounts about how Cass is doing in her speech therapy, and how they get ice cream after every appointment.

During a particularly busy patrol, Batman has been caught helping Spoiler braid her hair, or giving her Bobby pins from his utility belt, so she doesn't get hair in her eyes.

Gordon gives Batman an address for a case, which he relays to Oracle. By the time Batman finally disappears, Gordon knows all about how Oracle has helped improve the Bat's operation, and how she's such a smart woman.

[jasontodddidnothingwrong]

So I'm reading a no capes ABO fic where Clark donated a bunch of sperm and then Bruce used it to birth all of his kids ('Just A Donor…..Or More' by PurpleButterfly19 btw. Highly recommend).

Anyway I can't stop thinking about how funny it would be if Clark donated sperm a couple times at like age 20 and then didn't have his powers kick in or learn the truth about his biology until he was in his 30s. So now, armed with the knowledge that he is very much not human, he has to follow the paper trail of where that sperm went in order to warn his bio kids (and their parents) about their Kryptonian DNA.

Meanwhile, Bruce is freaking the fuck out because his oldest kid has just started flying.

[annabellevlee]

I know that Cassandra Clare will never kill Alec Lightwood because I read a post that said he was based on a friend she had lost when she was younger and she wanted him to have a happier ending and I think that's so beautiful I literally teared up this has touched my soul.This is such a lovely way to remember someone by forever immortalizing them in a book. And it makes me wonder about Alec's fear of being forgotten it's like Cassandra is saying "I'll never forget you I'll put you here in these pages". I really just needed to share this with everyone. Alec has always been so special to me and this added layer is making me love him even more which I didn't know to be possible.

[jasontodddidnothingwrong]

Jason Todd returns to Gotham and things get... better?

Sure, Red Hood stops the supply of drugs to kids, and the working girls are safer than ever, and those who are desperate enough to resort to goonery are finally able to actually put food on their respective tables, but there's something else. Something strange and more than a little intangible.

It's the weather that Gothamites notice first. It doesn't rain as much; the year following Hood's rise to power has record-low rainfall, almost on par with Metropolis for once. The air quality index goes down a hundred points, and if you ask the average resident, they might swear that the sun is somehow brighter these days.

Then, the crime rates start to plummet. A 40% reduction of domestic violence. 30% less murders. 60% less sexual assaults. And not just in Crime Alley, where the Hood is on the prowl: crime is down all over Gotham.

Public health is next. The rate of birth defects goes down 70%. Cancer diagnoses are halved. Cases of Sudden Infant Death Syndrom dwindle. Vaccines finally manage to flush out the last stubborn vestiges of preventable disease.

And then there's the weird stuff. A Gothamite wins the lottery for the first time in history. A woman gives birth to healthy octuplets. The number of accidental deaths reaches an all-time low. There are sightings of a strange man slicing glowing blades through the air, leaving light and lightness in his wake.

And, one day, years after Jason's return, the Justice League Dark visit. John Constantine turns to the Batman and says, "Love what you've done with the place, mate. Who'd you get to remove all the curses?"

[dcmainlybillythoughts]

I've had this idea rotating in my head for a while about a specific scenario in a universe where nobody is ever clued in on the fact that the bats are related. They just assume that Robin, Red Robin, Red Hood, Nightwing, and everybody else just coincidentally happens to be Gotham (+Bludhaven) based like Batman is.

Do me a favor and imagine the aftermath of some stage five hall hands on deck crisis where everyone and their team has to gather for debriefing and for medical care. Everybody shows up with their respective teams, Nightwing with his Titans, Red Robin with the old members of YJ, Red Hood with the Outlaws, Batman with the JL ect ect.

Everyone is super tired from the battle and none of them are even given a moment to breathe before Red Hood and Red Robin start beefing on sight. Before anybody can even think to intervene, Nightwing, Orphan, Spoiler, Robin, and Signal join in and they all just start bickering at one another.

Everybody thinks they're about to fight. Like seriously start hashing it out. Thing is, YJ are RR's ride or dies. If RR starts fighting Nightwing then the YJ are gonna fight Nightwing. And then the titans are gonna fight the YJ because those are Nightwing's ride or dies. Same goes for all the teams and their respective leaders.

Everyone looks across the room going, "Am I gonna have to fight you? Man, I don't wanna fight you." They could not wanna fight because of the prior battle, out of respect for their potential opponents, or because they know that opponent would whoop their ass. But they'll still do it because that's their leader.

Eventually all of them stop their bickering, suspending the room in tense silence, as they stare each other down. Everybody is bracing themselves for the first punch and the JL is preparing to break up the fight, but instead the silence is broken by all of the birds turning their heads in one direction and yelling, "Daaaaaaddd!"

The room is dead silent enough that everyone can hear Batman's exhausted sigh echo through the room before it's followed by, "You're all grounded."

[bimyselfblackandblue]

Justice league finds out Batman is a mother.

They don't know that he is Bruce Wayne. They don't even think that he is a human. So when they accidentally met Cassandra and Tim and are told that Bruce is their parent, their first conclusion is that, ah yes. Batman is their mother. And being the gremlin theatre kids they are at heart. Batkids feed the fuck out of this misunderstanding.

Yes he gave us birth, our species reproduce asexually . Do you know he was pregnant during that mission? That's exactly why he was so grumpy. Oh yeah cryptid pregnancy works different so he was sick and sensitive but the baby never got hurt. Shadow ale helps a lot with the cramps you see. Everyone in the family, even Alfred is aware of these lies that are being spread like butter. Everyone except, Bruce. When he decides that it's time for Damian to meet JL (He was the only member they don't know yet), Dami, in a small voice says he want to mess with the Justice league.

He. Mister "these shenanigans are an absolute waste of time and only bring shame to the mantle of Batman", wants to fuck with the league.

Grayson is weeping while cupping dam's face, Jason has a hand over his mouth clutching his gun to his chest, Tim swoons and falls in steph's arms. Cass is delighted to know that their brother has finally learned the ways of the bats. Alfred cracks his knuckles and Duke starts preparing the slide on the computer cuz Tim is still faint.

They start being very careful with B in front of the League. Let supes handle the heavy lifting, don't worry we have the strategy already prepared, B should I get you some Shadow ale? The league keep drinking up the crumbs and finally. Lantern cracks.

This is the moment they have been waiting for. They tell them nothing. Now desperate, Canary goes to Gotham for Red Hood of all people. Red hood, still on odds with the Bats, explains that B is expecting. The league is soo happy. They goes to Batman to congratulate him. Only for him to be missing. (He has been put to bed rest by Alfie cuz of an injury for 3 days).

The kids explain that he will be in labor till the child comes out. Everyone on the watchtower is so stressed that it got the family feeling a little guilty. But pranks are like that. For success forces you to do some things you are not proud of. The results are always worth it. And god was it worth it.

When B returns to the watchtower with Damian, his confusion is visible through his cowl. Because why is Supes spinning him around and Diana is...kissing his forehead? What's with all this goth decoration? Canary with tears in her eyes kneels before Damian and he lets her pick him up!? Flash interrupts the series of congratulations being shoved at Bruce with a question," Should you really be working after the labor Batsy?" And Damian backflips from the embrace of the super crowd and breaks down laughing because his father looks horrified. Suddenly all the batkids are there. With shit eating grins on their faces, rolling on the floor hysterically (they all were hiding in the tower for a long ass time).

Batman growls and demands answers while the league stares in dumb. Cass with a smile on her face looks in her dad's eyes. And Bruce, being fluent in gremlin bullshit. Understands everything. Alas the league was in need of a verbal explanation. After they reveal the truth they are completely dumbstruck in silence. then. they explode in chaos. Everyone nut Dick was too busy to notice the smile on batman's face.

[nondistinctmeganerd]

obsessed with the idea that outsiders (specifically the JL) hear whispers of Red Hood, and strapping themselves in for Batman to have another rogue on his hands, preparing for the sour mood and curt responses, and it just never happens??

there's talk about Red Hood becoming a force to be reckoned with and how he's gonna be less than easy to handle, but after word spread there was just nothing.

Flash asks Batman and he just grunts out 'its handled' and no one brings it up again.

Everyone is unsettled and slightly worried until an attack relatively close to Gotham has the Bats rolling up, right behind them is the infamous red helmet and an undeniable bat painted on his chest.

the JL comms explode into yelling

Batman mutes his earpiece

[papayafromtv]

the fact that Jason formed the outlaws and technically became a well known international vigilante as well as just a Gotham hero is actually so interesting to me. i wanna see an au where Jason just stayed an outlaw and never went back to Gotham at all. never revealed his identity, but became a well known hero with ties to various members of the JLA anyway because of Roy and Kori. eventually, for some reason, Red Hood is asked to become an official member, and then we get the absolutely golden scenario of the smug as shit Red Hood, feet up on the table at the watchtower, unflinchingly staring down the pissed off form of Batman sat opposite, well fucking aware that he is the only member of the JLA that Bruce won’t be able to figure out the identity of. it is driving Bruce NUTS and Jason is having the time of his life.

meanwhile Constantine is sat in the corner, head bouncing back and forth between them, fully aware of everything, content to watch shit go down only because 1: its funny and 2: Jason bought him a smoothie

i just wanna see anonymous JLA member Red Hood dancing circles around Batman due to his secret identity and immense knowledge/experience of fucking with B, and absolutely nobody can figure out how he does it.

[late-tothe-party-07]

You ever think Jason Todd picks up an old, worn copy of Frankenstein from his shelf, reads about a creature made of dead things, awakening as something hideous, unwanted by its father, and sees just a little too much of himself staring back?

[tiger-grace]

I feel like in Gotham there’s crime rumor mills just based on who from the batfam is on patrol and their family drama bc it greatly impacts the violence level the melee criminals will receive 😭😭

Joker Goon #1: hey we still on for the shipment tonight?

Joker Goon #2: we delayed it. Red Hood just had a fight with his dad

Joker Goon #1: ah.

Bank Teller: hey man for your own safety you might want to get out of here early

Robber: I am literally holding a gun to your head?? wdym

Bank Teller: Nightwing is PISSED tonight

Robber: what- oh. he’s rampaging isn’t he

[littlefankingdom]

I have not read yet the Task Force Z and Suicide Squad comics where Jason is part of the teams, but I like to imagine that working under Amanda Waller, who worked/works for the US military at a pretty high rank, is how he learns that Bruce was going to murder the Joker in the UN headquarter.

Amanda: I don't care about any of you, but keep Todd alive. It was hard enough to stop his father from starting a world war the first time he died, I don't want to deal with that again. Jason: WHAT?!

[esoulix]

smth I'd love to see is the someone from the JL witnessing a classic 'Jay can get away with a LOT most others can't on the basis that he's Batman's prodigal son and having him willingly be apart of the family again is still so new and fragile' situation (aka the familial honeymoon phase that lives in my mind rent free, before Jay fully re-settles into the family)

maybe Hood steals something incredibly dangerous or important to the Watchtower (how did he get into the Watchtower? Did Bruce give his Crimelord son access?? Bruce?? BRUCE??) and even insults Batman to his face while he's doing it

And the League is just like. Surely this is too far now, surely Batman will do smth or even try to get that thing back? Should they help out or will Bats be too territorial for that??

Only for Bruce to just. Sigh and shake his head.

He's working on trusting Hood. He knows (hopes, wishes, puts faith in) his Jaylad wouldn't go for something so dangerous / vital for no good reason. Not with their reconciliation so fresh at least. (Jury's out on later, if he'd do it just to be a little shit. His second son does have quite the mischievous streak, he thinks fondly.)

The JL is flabbergasted that the strict Bat would be so accepting of this behaviour. Where was the bat that put red tape on everything that could potentially be dangerous? Was he just letting this happen??

Apparently yes, because Bruce just grunts out that Jason only needed to ASK and he'd have gotten whatever he needed (with a heavy petulant undercurrent of why didnt he ask for my help I'm his dad I would have helped :( to his tone to anyone who knew him well enough to place it)

Anyways, I love the idea of batkids getting favouritism from Batman because the idea of JL having a mild nepotism problem from one of their leaders (particularly the most hard-ass one) is so fucking hilarious to me. And Jason deserves to take advantage of a little nepotism, as a treat

[robs-your-robins]

Ever think that the Bats who are adopted by Bruce Wayne, billionaire/celebrity ever sometimes forget that their dad is not just Batman but a famous billionaire, a major powerplayer in Gotham and well known celebrity. Like something happens, they think their cover is blown but it is actually not Bat related but something fame/fortune related?

Dick is coming out of the gym one night and gets jumped by some guys in masks who try to pull him into the back of a car and he's like, how the hell did some rogue get the jump on him? But nope. These are simply run of the criminals kidnapping him for ransom.

Jason is going about some civilian business, doing his groceries or out for a bite. He notices somebody fishing his soda can out of the bin or swiping the chopsticks he used at his favourite Thai place. He assumes he's about to be cloned so he approaches the guy only for the guy to say he was hired to steal his DNA by this newspaper for a test to prove he's really Bruce Wayne's secret love child and the whole "adopted" thing is a front or to prove he's really Jason Todd. I mean, there's so many podcasts and theories about his long absence, the people have a right to know!

Tim gets home one night throws his keys into the bowl and walks into the living room, switches on the light and his place is ransacked. There's a guy in a ski mask there. Tim thinks he's been made but it is just some guy who broke in to steal his shit because he's son of the Drake family and adopted son of Bruce Wayne.

Damian is at the Manor, on the grounds with Titus and Ace when some guy tries to jump the wall and he thinks this is a League of Assassins agent sent to test him but no, it's some papprazzi scum trying to sneak photos of the family and the house.

Cass is out in the city one day when she sees this guy lunge toward her, she just reacts and gets ready to fuck him up when she realizes it's a camera trained on her not a gun and it's a mic not a knife. It's a nosy journalist not a goon.

And if you think Bruce isn't the worst culprit, you are so wrong. Bruce attends some event that is infiltrated by some guys in masks, armed with guns and they take everybody in the room hostage. Bruce can't go full Batman, there's kids there and those guys mean business so he let's them tie him up and asks them what they want. One of them answers "You" and Bruce thinks fuck, they figured it out only for the guys start making a ransom video demanding that Wayne Enterprises hand over five billion dollars for the release of Bruce Wayne and everyone watching can just hear Bruce exhale slightly, muttering "Not a Bat thing" (he's talking on comms). It goes viral, as another airhead Bruce Wayne moment.

[vicmillen]

Actually no I'm still not over the thought that Jason might have skipped class and doubled back to listen in on Dick and Bruce's argument.

Like, how would one ever react to all that? The how and why your predecessor left. The injury the firing the bitter resolve to leave and not come back to a place that no longer wants you.

And the tail end of their conversation, about why Bruce took Jason in. Gods that would fuck up a kid so much.

Imagine feeling proud that batman said he took you in because of your merits, then smile dropping as Dick press on for the real answer. Oh so it wasn't because you helped batman stop a heist, it's because you are a theif to be corrected. Except Dick didn't take that answer either, and you listen to batman admit that it doesn't have anything to do with you, Jason Todd, he just wants his actual son and you happened to emulate that enough.

Sigh... thinking about the potential of Jason catching that argument makes me so ill.