Your most recent substack piece deeply resonated with me, and I was wondering if you had any advice regarding my kind of complex configuration of preferred power dynamics.
I am someone who enjoys many of the acts typically considered 'domming', like impact play, humiliating/degrading my partners, CNC scenes, etc. However, I can only enjoy these things if they are framed beforehand as being a service for the sub, something they want and they, in the end, have complete control over.
i need to be very specifically instructed on how to make the sub feel good, and i absolutely love receiving those instructions during the scene, as well as being praised and called terms of endearment like "puppy/good boy" that have more subby connotations.
I don't know if there's a name for this kind of dynamic, since 'materially' i act as the dom but mentally, to me, it's a very submissive headspace, where the person who is really in control is the sub.
especially seeing how many subs can't even adequately communicate their desires or understand how vulnerable domming really is, i'm wondering if you have any advice finding people who might be interested in engaging in this kind of dynamic? can i find a home in kink communities that so often seem to have very strict ideas of what a dom is supposed to be, and how they are supposed to enjoy their role?
Love your work, thanks for reading!
I think the answer for you would be either finding a bottom who is down to be a bit Dommy from the bottom or is a really outspoken brat, OR to play with multiple people at once -- one of the Dommier than you, the other strictly subby -- with you sitting in as a kind of service top/henchperson/fuck-toy/impact-toy kind of role. You can be an active party giving Dominance as service *to* another Dominant who is actually running the show. Very common kind of vibe in group kinky play -- drone stuff, breeding kinks, age play with "middle" roles, pup play with dogs that are neither alpha nor omega, etc all come to mind.
I don't know if I've just been lucky in my communities or if things have substantially changed in the ~10 years since I've really been active in kink spaces, but if you get out to a munch or a play party and start chatting to people, you will find lots of switches and lots of people who are pretty fluid in how they like to play and would be down with this. "service top" is how I would describe this dynamic and is probably going to get the idea across best, but you could also try "sadistic sub" (if the pain is a big part of it), "alpha sub" maybe in a multiple-people dynamic, or just describe what you're after. the people who are narrow minded and strict about roles are out there too, but they certainly aren't the whole scene.
in my experience, the subs who won't/can't articulate what they want are mostly newbies or people playing online or interested but not active in the scene. most of the subs I have met who have experience and are regulars in their local scene are assertive and confident, and if you get out and meet them, you'll get plenty of guidance in figuring out how to get what you want. of course this comes with the big disclaimer that I haven't been to a kink event in ten years, so take it with a grain of salt.
As a subby, bottomy type, you don’t actually have to script out every little action that your Dom takes. But you do need to develop a sense of your own sexual tastes, what you enjoy and what squicks you out and which activities your body takes the most kindly to.
Do you need warming up before you can be penetrated?
What positions are easiest on your neck, your throat, your hips, your lower back?
Do you love providing sexual service, or is it performing chores that really gets you going?
How do you like being spoken to while you are in subby mode, or do you not want to be addressed at all?
Understanding what you like and how your body responds isn’t the same thing as topping from the bottom, it’s just being a remotely present partner, and your Doms will appreciate you for giving them some vision to work with. You can, if you like, create a ‘user manual’ for the people you want to use you.
If you are inexperienced, the best way to start is by looking at tons of porn — videos, animated gifs, erotic stories, fan art, jerk-off-instruction audios, OnlyFans content, whatever. Simply observe what gets you going, and the activities you might like to try, and save your favorites in a dedicated folder you can share with your Dom.
Pay attention, also, to the content of your masturbatory fantasies. When you think about someone “doing whatever they want” to you, what is it that they actually do? I guarantee there’s recurring themes.
Are you getting fucked in the pussy or the ass?
In the mouth?
Are you alone in a home, or getting gang-banged by a crowd at a party?
Are you being kidnapped into forced sexual service, or is your Dom a God that you are eager to serve?
Think also about how you would like being sexually “passive” to make you feel:
Do you like feeling appreciated? Empty? Dumb? Insatiable? Ignored?
In your fantasies, is the Dom cruel, care-taking, indifferent, or something else?
Do you want to walk away from the sex feeling used? Blank? Accomplished? Exhausted? Grateful?
Do you imagine yourself enjoying the sex/scene as it happens? Or do you want it to be overwhelming/painful/confusing/difficult to process?
Do you want to fight back and be conquered, or do you like being docile and obedient?
Write down some of the feelings that resonate with you, so that your future Dom knows how to play their role, and what to expect from you. This is actually a crucial part of determining sexual compatibility!
Be Direct
Once you have a good sense of what gets you going, put that language all over your hookup and dating-app profiles.
Being open & unabashed about your interests will really make your profile stand out, as most hookup app users make the mistake of being overly generic and tame in the hopes of appealing to the maximum number of people.
I speak from experience: you do not want to do that! You’ll only waste your time pretending to be something you’re not, with somebody who has no idea how to show up as themselves either! You do not have infinite messaging time! Narrow your attention down to the people who will be a good fit.
In your bios, you want to be so singularly yourself that incompatible people will see themselves out. The more information you provide about who you are and the vibe you want, the more prepared Doms will feel approaching you. You’ll also scare off the opportunists and would-be abusers who treat kink as an inroad to an easy lay.
Here are some actual bios I’ve used:
Submissive trans guy seeks Dominant type for power-dynamic-fueled sex and play. Into bondage, being given commands, training, restraints, blindfolds, gags, chains, collars, handcuffs, and more. No vanilla, sorry.
Highly submissive, seeking Dominants only. I like being told what to do and used for another person’s satisfaction. No pleasure tops, no cunnilingus; I want the focus to be on being good and obedient for you. Big fan of being praised and snuggled with.
In the past few years, I’ve mostly stuck to casual BDSM encounters on apps like Grindr. Now I’m searching for a more intense emotional connection with the possibility of long-term commitment. I am non-monogamous but not polyamorous, and pretty much exclusively submissive.
Don’t be afraid to be selfish and specific. You should have some skills and exciting interests to offer to a partner, yes, but remember that your submission is part of the gift! Good Dominants will want to understand what gets you relaxed into a more submissive headspace, where the boundaries of the fantasy are for you, and how they can play around inside it.
You can read the full piece for free on my Substack at this link.
I feel like more disabled doms should talk about dominance and service as a way to come to terms with taking care of ourselves.
I was trained my entire life as a disabled child and now a disabled woman to always make myself and my disability smaller. I needed to take up less space, downplay my symptoms, go without the rest I need, and I most definitely learned to never complain or demand attention, never to be too exhausted for too long, or else I’d get on people’s nerves.
Having a service pup has been such a game changer though. So many submissives DESPERATELY WANT to make our lives easier as dominants, to care for us, to be useful in a really tangible way. So… I let my submissive do it. I let him be my service dog.
My service pup reminds me to rest when I need it and offers to get up and get things for me so I don’t use my sore legs. My service pup reminds me to drink water multiple times a day because he knows I get dizzy when I don’t. My service pup reminds me to take up space and demand respect from those around me and threatens to bite those who won’t give it. My service dog is strong and I know he’s being serious when he says he’d carry me in his arms up every set of stairs in every building that doesn’t have an elevator.
If you’re a disabled dom and your service submissive acts as a disability aid I’d love to hear more of you talk about it!! And if you’re a disabled dom and you’ve been scared to let someone in to such a vulnerable part of you, I really recommend asking a sub you trust to learn some tasks for you :p
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