[herjrny]

Life has a way of surprising you.

Few days here was all it takes for me to realise that this was no ordinary admin job.

I’ve seen people cry over the lost of their loved ones. I get choked up every single time ‘DOA’ or ‘dead’ appears under the primary disposition. My heart raced and I tear up everytime I hear the ambulance siren outside the prayer area. I’ve had bodies wheeled out beside me.

I get reminded of death every single minute of this job and i am so thankful alhamdulillah.

I asked for a job that’ll benefit my deen. When I got this job, I was puzzled but accepted it anyways, because He knows best. And it is what I asked for!

So ask Him whatever your heart desires, He will never fail to grant you those wants. 💕

[herjrny]

You have no right to those words.

You are not even memorising the Quran.

You don’t know what I do when everyone’s asleep.

You don’t know what kinds of wars I’m battling on the insides.

You dont know you won’t know and you’ll never know. So you don’t have the right to say those words.

I keep reminding myself time and time again that as long as He knows it’s enough. But I’m only human and I also get upset when people belittle my efforts or pretend they never even existed in the first place.

[herjrny]

Goodness is never worn out, sins are never forgotten, the Questioner [i.e. Allah] is never asleep, and as per what you do, you shall be rewarded or punished.

— Caprured Thoughts

[herjrny]

We can’t fix something by breaking someone else’s

[herjrny]

She left her dreams for her deen

[herjrny]

Allah knows. And that’s enough

[herjrny]

‪My contributions were not seen as I’ve always did them in secrecy. But that does not mean I didn’t do anything to help. ‬

‪Every time you negate my hard work, I always tell myself Allah knows and I should be patient.‬

‪This is so hard but I pray He grants consistency especially in things I find so hard to be consistent in‬

[herjrny]

Why do I always get attached to people riiiight before we get separated for a looong time.

Time and time again I tell my heart not to get attached. But time and time again my heart fails to listen to my brain.

When will my heart ever learn? Or maybe it’ll never learn.

[herjrny]

Every time someone asks me why I didn’t get into local uni with such good gpa, my heart dies a little

[herjrny]

Self love is a concept that is still so foreign to me, my brain just cannot grasp the idea of it. And I’m not saying that self love is illogical, I’m just saying that I cannot understand it. Like how some people cannot understand math.

But it’s beautiful. Which means me and something beautiful does not belong together

[herjrny]

And it’s Monday again. The research went well alhamdulillah, but doubts never went away.

May Allah allow this to go smoothly

[herjrny]

September

This September was different. She experienced sadness and joy in this month.

She saw 4 of her closes friends off to pursue their dreams, in a land far away from where she resides.

She kept getting rejected from the jobs she applied.

She started practicing Islam properly after reading ‘If I Should Speak’

She witnessed two people so dear to her united in marriage.

She was thankful.

For this month, Allah gave her more than she asked for. Maybe He always gave more than she wanted but just that this month, she took the time to look back and realised that He was always giving even when she never asked.

Alhamdulillah for a month filled with change. May He keep me consistent in this journey towards being closer to Him and May I die a muslim.

[herjrny]

And she wondered if she’ll ever be someone special to anyone

[herjrny]

Living with you is so bad for my mental health.

Imagine being told that whatever you do is not good enough, not perfect enough.

I’m sorry I’m not that perfect child you wished for but I’m trying. VERY HARD to be perfect.

And you belittling my all my efforts is crushing my self esteem and confidence. Not that it matters to you, but it matters to me and I want to live. So please just stop and say thank you.

[herjrny]

“... she held onto these views. Her acceptance of the Islamic marriage was only in theory. But nothing directly relations to her. Men wee part of a world she was detected from, and she would focus on herself.”

“... whenever she saw a man she was attracted to, she admired him from afar and didn’t consider beyond that. In fact, she never wanted him for herself.”

[herjrny]

Reason why I don’t love — it is a selfish desire of the heart.

[herjrny]

“... that religion and learning may go hand in hand and character grows with knowledge”