Having fun is a valid goal in life.
This may feel intuitively right or absolutely wrong, depending on the values and beliefs you were brought up with. You may especially struggle with this idea if you were taught (even indirectly) that enjoying your life is a sign that you’re selfish.
This is something that (not only but especially) girls or people socialized as girls may be taught: you need to prioritize other people’s needs over your own, in order to live a good life. Your happiness should be entirely dependent on your parents, your younger siblings, your partner, your kids being happy. Your fulfillment lies in being their caretaker, therapist, helper - and so it can be measured in your tiredness, your overwhelm, your burnout. Having fun or enjoying life is a sign that you’re not suffering enough for your loved ones.
This, of course, falls into the category of beliefs that even people who have them would rarely consciously sign off on - those thoughts may not be loud or on the forefront of their minds. In fact, all they may notice is that they feel guilty or anxious when they’re „too happy“.
If you relate to this, then this may show up when you think about life goals in general - but it may also show up in identity related stuff.
You may struggle to come up with any personal goals at all (because, deep down, you feel like that alone is already selfish or that you need to „stay flexible“ to adapt to other people’s goals). On the other hand, you may also set a long list of strict goals for yourself but none of them feel good (because they are not truly your goals - they’re just what you believe others expect you to do or what a „good person“ needs to do).
And when it comes to identity stuff, you may be someone who „does not make a big deal out of it“ - not because you genuinely don’t care but because you so desperately don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience on others. So you don’t allow yourself to even think about that thing (whether hormone therapy would make you happier, if you’d feel better if you told your best friend that you’re a lesbian, if you’d actually have fun in bed if you allowed yourself to be curious about that one fantasy in the back of your mind etc.) - because you can survive without doing that. You can live a life without it. Maybe you’d live a happier life with it, but is that really worth the effort?
First of all: Even if we do say that loving others or taking care of others is most important in life - happiness is what enables you to sustainably do that!
Self-sacrifice sounds so noble, but really, it usually ends with you being unable to help anyone. You can not give, give, give without ending up empty. People who are overloaded, depressed, burned out, are not the ones who are especially good friends, partners, parents - they can not be. They do not have the energy for that. So, even if your genuine purpose in life was only taking care of your loved ones, you’d shoot yourself in the foot by not taking care of yourself.
Im telling you this because that caretaking mindset is not easy to shake off and I may lose you if I immediately jump to „Happiness doesn’t need to be a secondary goal, it can be your primary goal“. If that feels too big of a jump for now, that’s okay - for now you can just work on reminding yourself that your happiness is a prerequisite to you taking care of others well.
But if you’re ready for that jump, here goes: You are allowed to be your own loved one.
You are a human being. In fact, you are the human being you’ll spend the most time with during your life. It’s not only okay to want to make that human being feel good, too - it’s normal.
You’re fully allowed to go „hey, I want this because it will improve one persons life: my own“. You gotta make your own life enjoyable - you live in there!
