When I went under, the world was at war. I wake up, they say we won. They didn't say what we lost. But I know what we lost. Independent Captain America roleplay blog. Tracks the tag: herosquandary Please read "Moral Code".
Independent Steve Rogers blog.
est. 2013.
MCU compliant and au friendly.
Rules are simple:
Don’t be a dick.
No drama.
Please tag negativity, because if there is an influx of it on the dash I will probably unfollow especially if I can’t blacklist it.
Mun is over the age of 30 :)
PSA: The only/exclusive Peggy Carter I’ll write with is @xagentcarter - it’s in my rules but I’m putting it here, too. Sorry!! She’s just my love.
Additional rules and info can be found here.
I may create a card / rules / etc further other than what’s already in my profile.
Under the cut I’m going to put some wishlist items that I want and will be really picky about. I have a wishlist tag that you can check out but the ones under here are the most important to me.
Retirement verse:
Bucky: The conversation that Steve has with him about how to be happy, and if he should go back in time to be with Peggy. Also includes the decision regarding the shield, and them deciding that Sam is the best person to get the shield. Bucky being able to convince Steve that going back in time isn’t going to satisfy him, and Steve understanding that it’s not fair to ruin the life Peggy’s built for herself / screw with time, so he decides he’s going to stay with his friends and actually retire from the uniform. Try to find that life and love and living he’s wanted for so long. This thread will then lead him to going to deliver all the stones / weapons back to their rightful places. I don’t want to have to drabble it lmao.
Sam: Giving the shield to Sam, basically. Explaining that he’s retiring, and he really does think that Sam would make the best Captain America. TFAWS and a lot of it can still happen of course, but Steve might have some, uh, input. and words for some of those assholes if Sam decides to give up the shield lmao
Sharon: Steve actually makes a concerted EFFORT to get her back to the States like he should have all along. Could be one of the things he deems most important before he officially settles down into a new home - locating her and making sure the Government officially pardons her. I’m okay with conceding more time passed than should have, with the reasoning being that Steve thought she was Snapped and not just living on her own out there and then was busy defeating Thanos with the rest of the Avengers. He will make this right, though. He will make it up to her.
Tony: He does not die. Someone else Snaps it OR someone saves him. [More to come.]
Steve quickly turned the screen off on his phone and pocketed it, then turned and gave a friendly smile to the new woman to join their group - Ravonna, right! He remembered, but his memory was better than most others. His attention was completely turned on her, and while he didn't say anything out loud it occurred to him while he looked at Ravonna that she was quite beautiful. He didn't say so out loud, but it was undeniable.
"Hey, it's no problem. That's what we're here for, right? One of the first things I did way back when, when I had the time, was find a group to talk to about what was going on. I knew if I didn't, the pain and worry would fester and I didn't want to take it out on anyone else. You're doing the right thing by coming by - I hope you visit next week," he said and reached to gently squeeze her shoulder.
There was something about her though, something he couldn't quite pinpoint, that worried if she walked out the doors of the building, she wouldn't come back. The thought wasn't without some foundation - Steve had seen many people, young and old, come by and then convince themselves they didn't need the help and didn't come back for either months or ever again. Something told him that Ravonna needed this group more than she wanted to admit.
"You know, sometimes people in the group head to the diner down the street to get some coffee that's actually only moderately better than the coffee here, but they've got good fries. If you need someone to talk to more one on one, I've got a couple hours before I need to go do anything else."
She returned the smile as best she could as he spoke, though it faltered just a bit and her breath caught quietly when he squeezed her shoulder. It was just a friendly gesture from someone trying to be supportive, she recognized that. But it was much more than that to her, though thankfully she was able to recover quickly and return the smile to her face.
On the verge of telling him she wouldn’t be back and that group therapy just wasn’t for her, her mouth opened and promptly closed when he spoke again. Fries? One on one? She blinked up at him, mind racing to try to come up with the right answer. She could do the easy thing, say no thank you, and head back to the TVA for drinks—lots and lots of drinks—and a round or two of sobbing in her apartment.
Or she could delay the inevitable goodbye for an hour or two and get to spend a little extra time with him. It was clearly the wrong choice; it was prolonging the inevitable, it would only hurt more later, and it would be awkward because he would probably ask about her husband. There was no way to get around how weird that would be.
But deep deep down inside of her, there was a small seed of something blossoming. Hope. She was never one to have much of that in any situation, really, but it was there nevertheless. Hope for what? She wasn’t sure yet. Hope he would somehow look across the table at the diner and realize that she was his soulmate? Hope he would be magically flooded with memories? Preposterous. But it didn’t stop that feeling.
And anyway, could she really turn down extra time with him? When she’d missed him so much that she ached every single night? No, she couldn’t. She took a deep breath, mind made up.
“I like fries,” she replied with a small shrug. “If you’re sure I'm not keeping you from anything.”
"You're not, I promise. There's nothing that can't be moved to another day if we talk for a while, I promise," he told her honestly and then looked around, saw that basically everything was put away, and grabbed out his keys. "I leave out the front and lock up since there's not another meeting in here for anyone until eight. AA."
Steve nodded and gestured for her to walk with him, where he held open the door and locked it once Ravonna was out. The keys got pocketed and he started walking to the right, the cool breeze of the city hitting them. It wasn't long before they passed a particularly aromatic hotdog stand, and a few hundred yards beyond that was the diner.
It doesn't take them long to find a table, and he takes one towards the back that he always sits if someone wants to talk to him after the meeting. More private, but still enough in view of the front door. Steve takes the chair and puts his back to the wall, but not before pulling out the other chair for her.
"So you're new to this area. Where did you move from?"
"You can listen as much as you want. We've had people here who spent the first two months of meetings not saying a single word beyond their name, and that's fine. We all process pain differently. Talking's really important, but it can't be done on anyone else's pacing but your own. If I ever ask you something you don't want to talk about, I promise I won't be offended if you tell me that," he said, and he meant it.
Steve couldn't relate to the loss of a spouse himself but he had been around enough people, especially post snap, that desperately needed to find a way to deal with their loss. There were also group therapy sessions in other places now for people who got their spouses back after having finally moved on, but Steve felt vastly underqualified to even attempt wading in there.
He gave her another small smile that he hoped would convince her she was safe in this room, but he couldn't focus too much on her - there was a meeting to run after all. Steve started by reintroducing himself to everyone in the circle, then had everyone else say their first names so Ravonna would know who she was dealing with.
"Loss is difficult, but we don't have to go through it alone. Sharing grief with a community helps remind us all we're not alone, and have people to lean on. My grief? It goes beyond what I've lost recently. I think I'll always think about, at least a little bit, the life I could have lived had I stayed in the past. Sometimes you know where you're supposed to be and wouldn't change it for the world, but there's still that 'what if?' to contend with," Steve spoke softly, then paused for a moment to let those words sink in. "Acknowledging the pain, though, helps a whole lot. Makes the stab of it less sharp. Now my next goal is to make my house a little more livable and try not to be so afraid of the dating apps."
That made a few people laugh, and they spent the next hour kind of catching up with everyone's difficult stories. There was more laughter, some somber moments of silence, and then they were packing it up and leaving. Steve stayed behind to help with the chairs while a few others lingered, drinking coffee and grabbing a couple of the cookies brought in by an older widow. He finished one stack and paused for a second to check his phone.
Oh, he was so good with his speeches, wasn’t he? She was thoroughly pulled in, almost forgetting to breathe for listening... until his remark about the dating apps. And suddenly she had yet another fear, another thing to consider when trying to decide what to do. The soft laughter at his joke from the others pulled her out of her momentary horror, though, and she attempted to smile as well.
It was fortunate that he had no idea what was really going on with her because despite trying her hardest not to keep her eyes glued to him for most of the meeting, that was exactly what happened. Oh, sure, she turned and paid attention to the others a little as they spoke of their own troubles and issues, of course, genuinely trying to find solace and connection in what similarities existed in all their stories of grief. But her focus invariably kept sliding back to him.
His hair was a little shorter. Lighter. No doubt it was from more exposure to sunshine, something he didn’t get tons of in the TVA. Idly, she found herself wondering if he had the scars she knew he had when he was taken. His stomach, his legs, places she knew he’d been injured while they were together. Did those get erased with his memories, too? They must have….right? How the hell did this sort of thing even work?
The hour was over more quickly than she expected, especially half lost in thought as she was. As it wrapped, she found herself being tapped on the shoulder by Stan, who pointed her toward the refreshments and said he hoped she came back. She smiled and nodded, but couldn’t bring herself to answer him definitively.
She hung back under the guise of looking into her purse for something, still debating whether to speak to Steve again even then. What could she even say? What she wanted to do was pull him straight through a Time Door, bring him home, but there was no way she could do that. He deserved the whole truth, but there was the chance he wouldn’t believe her. Why would he? To him, they’d just met.
She walked over slowly, resigned to speak, even if it was just to say goodbye. Maybe that’s what the universe wanted from the pair of them after all. He certainly seemed happy here. Despite her initial resolve...maybe he was better off.
“Excuse me,” she murmured when she reached him, fighting hard to sound normal over the lump in her throat. “I’m going to go. I just….wanted to thank you for being so kind and welcoming.”
Steve quickly turned the screen off on his phone and pocketed it, then turned and gave a friendly smile to the new woman to join their group - Ravonna, right! He remembered, but his memory was better than most others. His attention was completely turned on her, and while he didn't say anything out loud it occurred to him while he looked at Ravonna that she was quite beautiful. He didn't say so out loud, but it was undeniable.
"Hey, it's no problem. That's what we're here for, right? One of the first things I did way back when, when I had the time, was find a group to talk to about what was going on. I knew if I didn't, the pain and worry would fester and I didn't want to take it out on anyone else. You're doing the right thing by coming by - I hope you visit next week," he said and reached to gently squeeze her shoulder.
There was something about her though, something he couldn't quite pinpoint, that worried if she walked out the doors of the building, she wouldn't come back. The thought wasn't without some foundation - Steve had seen many people, young and old, come by and then convince themselves they didn't need the help and didn't come back for either months or ever again. Something told him that Ravonna needed this group more than she wanted to admit.
"You know, sometimes people in the group head to the diner down the street to get some coffee that's actually only moderately better than the coffee here, but they've got good fries. If you need someone to talk to more one on one, I've got a couple hours before I need to go do anything else."
"Honestly man, you should come by the new house sometime - it's a bit rundown, but that's how I like it. Gives me a hell of a lot of projects to work on and spend my time," he joked, and patted the guy on the shoulder with a small laugh before disappearing into the building.
Steve had been leading these support groups for several months - pretty quickly after buying his house, actually, and learning the center was only a half mile down the road. It was one of the first things he did - apply for the job - even when he hadn't even filled said house with furniture yet. He couldn't be too upset that his name and face had gotten him into the position, but no one could argue that he was underqualified without being looked at as if they were crazy.
Former Captain America ? How many more veterans would come to talk knowing he was there? One of the reasons he asked them to be careful about advertising that, though. He didn't want the place swamped by people who didn't need the actual help. Still, people came, and connecting with those people meant everything in the world to him - far more than he could ever express.
Being retired was great but also pretty difficult, because with every new thing he heard about on the news he felt an itch to get out there and do something about it. There wasn't any uniform to pull on or shield to grab - those both resided with Sam Wilson, where they belonged, and had belonged since he'd chosen to retire. He remembered the day he came back from delivering the stones and the conversation he'd had with Sam after. It hadn't been the easiest decision to come back, especially when he was so close to the life he could have lived, but it was all in the past.
He needed to focus on finding happiness in his future, and that happiness would be found without the shield in his possession..
The setup for group was easy: pull out a few chairs, set them in a circle. Group worked a lot better when they could all see one another, and no one had to stare at the back of another's head. Could connect more, instead of being strangers. He knew every single person's name that showed up, and made sure to be there in case any of them needed a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen to them vent.
Everyone had been seated when someone new arrived, and while there was no recognition in Steve's eyes and he was sure he'd never met her before, the look he gave her was impossibly kind. Oh, she looked nervous. He recognized that.
"No, not at all. We actually haven't started the meeting just yet, so you're right on time. Here -" he turned and grabbed a chair, and placed between a couple of older friendly gentleman that scooted to the side to allow for her spot. "This is George, and that's Stan. I'm Steve Rogers."
It was said so casually, like he thought maybe she had no idea who he was. In this room Steve was no better than anyone else, and he had his own problems that many in the room could relate to, even when he had to help them connect the dots to it. It had been a long while since the last time they'd been starstruck having him there, and they didn't treat him differently anymore.
"Would you like to introduce yourself? You can say as much or as little as you want. Sometimes newcomers like to just listen the first meeting or two, but we'd love to get to know you," he said with a warm smile before he took a seat, settling in for whatever way the group decided to go. There weren't any strict rules - they caught up and talked about the troubles they faced since their last meeting.
It was one hell of a thing, being simultaneously comforted by his warmth and knowing that he was okay and alive in front of her, but feeling hollow because there was no trace of they life shared together anywhere in his memories. Even if she hadn’t known ahead of time, she could immediately tell by the way he spoke that that was the case; however kind his voice was and however pleasant his expression, it simply didn’t and couldn’t match what she used to see in his features on a daily basis every time he looked at her.
There was just no comparison.
One foot in front of the other, she thought to herself, willing herself to move and sit in the chair he arranged for her. She glanced at the two gentlemen on either side of her as she sat, both of them giving her a small smile as she did so. It was disconcerting, this whole thing, but she attempted to at least smile back. It was important that she fit in, at least for right now. Once this meeting was over, she could determine how to proceed—try to explain things to Steve or just leave it for now. She didn’t want to overwhelm him right away.
“Um..” She looked around, noting the mildly expectant gazes of the other members of the group as they waited for her to speak, but then turned her gaze back to Steve. “I’m Ravonna.”
His expressions stayed the same. Still nothing. She hadn’t expected there to be, really, but each time she spoke and he just continued looking at her like a random person who quite literally just walked in off the street, it felt like a small stab into a half-healed wound . Maybe Mobius was right. Maybe this would only end up hurting her more in the long run.
It was too late to think about that. It was only an hour she had to get through, surely she could manage that much.
“I’m new to this area.” She resolved to keep her little speech as realistic and honest as possible. It would be easier down the road if she did tell him the truth about everything. “I spoke with a friend and they thought this was a place I might need to check out because I….lost my husband recently. A few months ago.” She looked away from Steve then; it really was just too much, him being there but not being there. She already felt a sheen of tears misting over her eyes. She had to focus on something, anything else, or this would never work.
“Sorry,” she continued, looking down at the wedding band on her hand and twisting it around and around her finger anxiously. “I’m not really used to talking about things, especially not this. Not yet. I really want to, but….” She glanced back up and around and saw that everyone’s expressions seemed fairly sympathetic. Even if she was only there for her own ends, it did make her feel a little better to see that. “Maybe if I could—like you said, just listen this time?”
"You can listen as much as you want. We've had people here who spent the first two months of meetings not saying a single word beyond their name, and that's fine. We all process pain differently. Talking's really important, but it can't be done on anyone else's pacing but your own. If I ever ask you something you don't want to talk about, I promise I won't be offended if you tell me that," he said, and he meant it.
Steve couldn't relate to the loss of a spouse himself but he had been around enough people, especially post snap, that desperately needed to find a way to deal with their loss. There were also group therapy sessions in other places now for people who got their spouses back after having finally moved on, but Steve felt vastly underqualified to even attempt wading in there.
He gave her another small smile that he hoped would convince her she was safe in this room, but he couldn't focus too much on her - there was a meeting to run after all. Steve started by reintroducing himself to everyone in the circle, then had everyone else say their first names so Ravonna would know who she was dealing with.
"Loss is difficult, but we don't have to go through it alone. Sharing grief with a community helps remind us all we're not alone, and have people to lean on. My grief? It goes beyond what I've lost recently. I think I'll always think about, at least a little bit, the life I could have lived had I stayed in the past. Sometimes you know where you're supposed to be and wouldn't change it for the world, but there's still that 'what if?' to contend with," Steve spoke softly, then paused for a moment to let those words sink in. "Acknowledging the pain, though, helps a whole lot. Makes the stab of it less sharp. Now my next goal is to make my house a little more livable and try not to be so afraid of the dating apps."
That made a few people laugh, and they spent the next hour kind of catching up with everyone's difficult stories. There was more laughter, some somber moments of silence, and then they were packing it up and leaving. Steve stayed behind to help with the chairs while a few others lingered, drinking coffee and grabbing a couple of the cookies brought in by an older widow. He finished one stack and paused for a second to check his phone.
❛ i'm sorry for everything i said. ❜
❛ i just made a stupid mistake, okay? ❜
❛ will you ever be able to forgive me? ❜
❛ i already said i'm sorry! ❜
❛ how many more times do you need me to apologize? ❜
❛ it's gonna take a lot more for me to be able to trust you again. ❜
❛ you can't just come in here and say sorry like it was no big deal! ❜
❛ i accept your apology. ❜
❛ i'm not the person you need to apologize to. ❜
❛ you don't need to apologize, i understand. ❜
❛ everyone makes mistakes sometimes. it's human. ❜
❛ don't you dare tell me you're sorry! ❜
❛ are you really sorry or are you just pretending? ❜
❛ i don't believe your apology. ❜
❛ do you really think a simple apology is gonna make everything okay again? ❜
❛ ii never meant to hurt you. ❜
❛ can't we just forget this whole thing and move on? ❜
❛ what more do you want me to say? ❜
❛ i'm sorry i didn't listen to you sooner. ❜
❛ you were right, and i'm sorry i ever doubted you. ❜
❛ let's just forgive and forget. ❜
❛ i don't think i'll ever be able to forgive you for what you've done. ❜
❛ someday i'll surely forgive you ... but that day is not today. ❜
❛ let's just forget all about it and pretend it never happened. ❜
❛ what else am i supposed to do or say for you to believe me? ❜
❛ why can't you just say you're sorry? ❜
❛ i'm still waiting for that apology ... ❜
❛ that wasn't so difficult now, was it? ❜
❛ i'm begging you, please forgive me. ❜
❛ i promise you i'll never make the same mistake again. ❜
❛ that was the worst apology i've ever heard. ❜
❛ really? that's all you have to say for yourself? ❜
❛ you already broke your word once, who's to say you won't do it again? ❜
❛ will you just apologize already? ❜
❛ i don't need an apology from you. ❜
❛ i didn't mean what i said ... i'm sorry. ❜
❛ you need to be honest with me. ❜
❛ there's nothing to apologize for. ❜
❛ i've already forgiven you, you idiot. ❜
❛ i know you probably won't believe me, but i truly am sorry. ❜
"We've located him, but…" The way that Mobius glanced at Ouroboros and trailed off, Ravonna knew that he was about to break something to her very gently that she wasn't going to like. She steeled herself for it against the workshop counter, but she was pretty sure she already knew what was coming.
"He's in a branched timeline. We sent an agent in. He…won't remember you."
There it was.
"I don't care." Her response was out almost before he could finish his sentence. It was pretty much the worst case scenario. The smile she felt herself forcing was extremely tight, but it was all she could do to keep from crying in that moment. "I don't care. I'm not leaving him there. He doesn't belong there."
Mobius nodded, and she wasn't sure which was worse—his sympathetic expression or the fact that he couldn't seem to meet her eyes. He'd never really had that problem before. He also didn't immediately come up with solutions or suggestions, which was his usual way of handling things. No doubt he and OB had already discussed everything before she arrived for the update and they felt there was no good way to fully get her husband or his memory back since the TVA itself had been unkind and sent him away.
If there were even memories left within him to retrieve. That was the difficult part of a broken down TVA, wasn't it? The uncertainty of what happened when it glitched somehow, no way of really knowing if it wiped minds thoroughly or left remnants behind like He Who Remains did.
But him not having his memories wasn't going to stop her from going to his branch and doing her best to bring him home. In the past, her more insecure days, she might have left him there for his own good; her mind would've made her believe he was better off..and maybe he was, all things considered. It was no secret he was the best of them both. Everyone thought so.
But now, she owed it to him to go. He would've never given up on her if the situation were reversed. She wasn't about to give up on him.
"Give me the information."
Within hours, she was down on the timeline. His branch. From a bench across the street, dressed in appropriate clothing for the time, she watched him arrive at the building she had been surveilling for about an hour, heart leaping into her throat when she saw him stop and talk to someone just outside the doors and then laugh. There was no real concept of time in the TVA, but she knew it had been entirely too long since she'd seen and heard that laugh. Weeks? Months?
Could she even possibly get through this? She was beginning to have her doubts. Her heart felt like it was going to pound out of her chest and a before she knew it, she was fishing in her bag for a tissue. It didn't hurt to be prepared, and it wouldn't exactly be out of place where she was going.
By the time she looked up again, she realized he had already disappeared into the building and she cursed under her breath. She didn't want to be late. It was imperative she not be late. She jumped up and crossed the street quickly and without warning, much to the chagrin of the drivers who nearly hit her. She ignored the vulgar hand signals and yelling hurled her way by the motorists and hurriedly passed into the front doors of the building, reading the signs for her destination.
Once at the correct room—139 | Group, it read— she took a deep, shaky breath before turning the handle and opening the door. Eight sets of eyes swiveled to look at her, but only one of them mattered, and for a long moment she just stared into the blue of them, frozen. But she did just manage to get herself together and somehow smile weakly as Steve looked at her curiously. Curiously and without recognition.
Thank goodness she already expected that, not that it made her soul ache any less.
"I'm sorry. I'm a new sign-up," she explained quietly. "Is it too late to join?"
"Honestly man, you should come by the new house sometime - it's a bit rundown, but that's how I like it. Gives me a hell of a lot of projects to work on and spend my time," he joked, and patted the guy on the shoulder with a small laugh before disappearing into the building.
Steve had been leading these support groups for several months - pretty quickly after buying his house, actually, and learning the center was only a half mile down the road. It was one of the first things he did - apply for the job - even when he hadn't even filled said house with furniture yet. He couldn't be too upset that his name and face had gotten him into the position, but no one could argue that he was underqualified without being looked at as if they were crazy.
Former Captain America ? How many more veterans would come to talk knowing he was there? One of the reasons he asked them to be careful about advertising that, though. He didn't want the place swamped by people who didn't need the actual help. Still, people came, and connecting with those people meant everything in the world to him - far more than he could ever express.
Being retired was great but also pretty difficult, because with every new thing he heard about on the news he felt an itch to get out there and do something about it. There wasn't any uniform to pull on or shield to grab - those both resided with Sam Wilson, where they belonged, and had belonged since he'd chosen to retire. He remembered the day he came back from delivering the stones and the conversation he'd had with Sam after. It hadn't been the easiest decision to come back, especially when he was so close to the life he could have lived, but it was all in the past.
He needed to focus on finding happiness in his future, and that happiness would be found without the shield in his possession..
The setup for group was easy: pull out a few chairs, set them in a circle. Group worked a lot better when they could all see one another, and no one had to stare at the back of another's head. Could connect more, instead of being strangers. He knew every single person's name that showed up, and made sure to be there in case any of them needed a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen to them vent.
Everyone had been seated when someone new arrived, and while there was no recognition in Steve's eyes and he was sure he'd never met her before, the look he gave her was impossibly kind. Oh, she looked nervous. He recognized that.
"No, not at all. We actually haven't started the meeting just yet, so you're right on time. Here -" he turned and grabbed a chair, and placed between a couple of older friendly gentleman that scooted to the side to allow for her spot. "This is George, and that's Stan. I'm Steve Rogers."
It was said so casually, like he thought maybe she had no idea who he was. In this room Steve was no better than anyone else, and he had his own problems that many in the room could relate to, even when he had to help them connect the dots to it. It had been a long while since the last time they'd been starstruck having him there, and they didn't treat him differently anymore.
"Would you like to introduce yourself? You can say as much or as little as you want. Sometimes newcomers like to just listen the first meeting or two, but we'd love to get to know you," he said with a warm smile before he took a seat, settling in for whatever way the group decided to go. There weren't any strict rules - they caught up and talked about the troubles they faced since their last meeting.
if anyone needs to know my other accounts. i also have @apocalypsejumper and @herosquandary and @kangslayer and ... @arcyouready as a multi though not super used. am i missing accounts??? probably but i figure this is the best way to tell you all where i am when i'm not here.
. ' Yeah, well, that's easier said than done. I saw the way he looked at you . . . and you smiled back at him. '
Steve looks over at her, then away, because yeah the whole premise had been that she'd do what was necessary and they'd get out of there. Being privy to the whole thing from a distance though had been more frustrating than he'd considered.
One deep breath, and his stubborn posture sags a bit.
ok but the loki show means i can literally do anything i want with steve bc it could just be any of the many branches created by things being chaos >_>
