If I tell you something like âyour sense of self is entirely in your own hands,â would you consider that good news or bad news?
Hopefully itâs the first, because itâs true. In the 1960s, this dude named Daryl Bem came up with the theory of self-perception. Maybe that should be capitalized. The Theory of Self Perception. Anyway, itâs a theory of attitude formation. Maybe that should also be capitalized. Attitude Formation.Â
Regardless of capitalization, itâs a theory that says that our sense of self is formed by our actions, not the other way around. I know that seems counter intuitive. We think, for instance, that if youâre an inherently brave human, you do brave things. But Bemâs theory of self perception says itâs the other way around: If you do a brave thing, you think of yourself as a brave person.Â
I can hear the crusty sound of your eyes rolling, but wait up, listen, it holds water as a theory. Letâs imagine youâre afraid to hang-glide because you think of yourself as a cowardly person. Now imagine your friends badger you into the hang-gliding anyway. You do it, and youâre successful, even though you didnât choose it for yourself. Now youâve done this brave thing, and you decide maybe you were wrong, you actually are a brave person. Subsequently you begin to think of yourself as someone brave. Later, you tell the story of hang-gliding to a stranger later, and their eyes widen â youâre so fearless, they say. Yes, you think to yourself. I guess I am! The story is confirmed â the story you have told yourself about yourself.Â
But youâre not wrong. You are what you do. Tell a story about yourself, you become that story. Good or bad.
What does this have to do with your question? Maybe youâve already figured it out. If you decide to go digging to find out who you are, all youâll find is an empty hole waiting to be filled with something real. Who you are isnât a concrete entity waiting to be uncovered. You donât have to wistfully think, I wish I was a gentler person, but Iâm just not: you can decide to be a gentler person. You donât have to sigh and say, I wish I was braver: you can do brave things and you will grow into them. You donât have to say: I wish I was more bad ass â you can just buy yourself a damn big pair of black boots and some good sunglasses and live the bad ass life until youâre there.Â
Hereâs the long story of how I did this very thing myself. No, it doesnât happen overnight, and no, itâs not always easy. I guess thatâs why they call it character-building.
