Do you ever find yourself questioning every decision you have made up to this point? Like, if you had pushed harder for something to make it work, it would have, instead of just being agreed upon to never discuss it again? Maybe I’m rambling, or not making much sense, but these days I don’t know which is good sense or bad sense, but I couldn’t complain about it either.
There have been times in my life when I have felt broken down, beaten, bruised from the inside out. I’ve gone through a lot in almost 24 years of life now. I wouldn’t say I’ve had it worse than others, because I know there are people out there dealing with issues that could stifle Vogue itself, but I am saying, I’ve seen some shit.
I don’t really know how long this first entry is going to be but, I’ve been debating on what to write in it for some time now. So, bare with me here & at least try to see it through to the end.
One of the hardest things that I deal with daily is anxiety, but not just anxiety, it’s an almost nostalgia-fueled anxiety most of the time.
You see, I have dreams that are almost scarily real, & in these dreams, I will subconsciously conjure honest feelings that I feel I’ll never have again. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “you’re seriously 23, almost 24, & you’ve had love, real love, once, so you have your whole life, just wait it out...” etc. etc. but what if that’s just it? What if, we don’t get that “whole life” part? What if we only get what has been given to us, & we don’t have the opportunity to make up for it with someone else? I’m not guaranteed tomorrow, so why the hell should I believe that love will someday find me again.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Certainly not love.
Why?
Because we feel we are owed it?
Some people die never having been in love.
So why should I feel like I should get it again?
I blame tv culture, honestly.
I mean I grew up watching Disney movies, Hilary Duff coming of age movies, the typical, “boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, girl chases boy, gives up on boy, & boy realizes he needs girl, so he goes to get girl, they end up happily ever whatever.”
I’ve realized a lot about myself within the last 4ish years that I have been TRULY single, & I don’t know if any of what I really want to happen deep down is what I actually DO want.
I don’t want kids.
Lately, I have been even questioning if I want to ever be married.
Whoopi Goldberg said it best when she said, “I don’t want anybody in my house.” I fucking feel you, Whoopi. For real.
Why should I have to share my entire life with someone? Because I love them? Because that’s the societal norm? For me to live with them, & breathe with them?
I don’t know. It seems a bit overrated to me now.
I’ve lived with a guy, & half the time, I wanted to fucking choke him to death.
I like my space, being able to share the bed with only my dogs, & not having to hear a guy bitch about having no room because my dogs & I take up “too much space.” Fuck that. Dogs come first. Anybody should know this. It’s not difficult.
At this point, I am not quite sure where I’m going with this post.
So, I should probably let it come to an end.
Feel free to message me about whether YOU think that living with your significant other is something you personally WANT, or feel you HAVE to do, I’m interested to see what other females in my age range feel about these things now.
Thanks for reading this!....
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