melancholia

so you care? thanks♡ ... 21/ she/her ... just another med student who's in love with art and literature

[high-on-literature]

I believe in forehead kiss supremacy

[high-on-literature]

The alarm rings. I turn it off.

It rings again.

How will today be any better?

The thought that doesn’t let me leave my bed.

I get up anyway. I go to classes to learn nothing, sleep through half of them, stand for hours in wards and come back. I do nothing the whole day, yet i am tired. Sometimes i think maybe i am depressed but then i go out with my friends and everything seems okay. Then i wonder maybe i am exhausted but if i am then why do i spend hours doing useless stuff?

I start a book, i leave it in the middle. I try to watch something, i zone out. I try to study, my brain starts thinking.

Every day is a cycle of forcing myself to live but barely living.

I am laughing, enjoying, going out but do i feel happy? Do i feel content? Not at all.

There’s this emptiness in my heart that i keep trying to fill with random things but it’s still empty.

I keep wondering what’s wrong but i guess nothing is.

How do i explain why i am not okay? When everything is okay.

12 am 1am 2am…

My mind keeps saying ‘you should sleep’ and i scream i am trying… but i cant.

4 am i finally sleep.

7am alarm rings again. I turn it off again.

[high-on-literature]

I have been holding this sunflower i love, in a beautiful but damaged vase, changing the water every day and opening more doors and windows hoping it gets all the light it needs but somehow the effort i do is not enough. I see it wilting and there’s nothing i can do, i see the water seeping out of the vase i try to mend it but it breaks again, before it heals. I cant change the vase because what if my sunflower doesn’t like the new one and i am scared to change the place because no matter how much i try i cant find the sunlight on cloudy days and i am stuck in the loop of healing and breaking, hoping my sunflower doesn’t die.

[high-on-literature]

Have you ever had that lonely feeling?

When you are sitting with your friends talking to them and then a thought strikes your mind that you want to share but you realize they wont understand, they wont listen? Then you get quite all of a sudden and you realize nobody noticed? You take a deep breath and try to smile.

When you lie down at night but the pain doesnt let you sleep and tears start crawling from your eyes and you realise you have no one to call right now? So you wipe your own tears and tell yourself everything will be okay?

When something happens that makes you the happiest but you keep it to yourself knowing it wont make anyone else happy? When you need help but you don’t ask because they cant even give you a hug?

And then you feel how in a world full of people that claim to love you, you actually have no one?

[high-on-literature]

Life’s okay but there are days when i feel like giving up, days when i lie on the bed stare at the fan and see the blades going in circles like the spiral in my mind.

Thought after thought, what am i? Who am I becoming? Is this what i wanted in life? Why am i not content? Why is mediocrity so hard to accept? Why do we always want more? Will this get any better? Will i ever be fine?

Thought after thought, the walls start to come closer, i wonder how will i escape? The spiral pulls me in and all i can do is give in. I close my eyes and i feel the blades of the fan cutting through my skin, the chokehold of the spiral too real. I try to breath but i cant, oh it’s happening again. All the screams i am holding in start to crawl down my cheeks and the pain numbs my brain.

Idk what’s wrong but i know nothing’s right.

I open my eyes and see the blood around me, nothing’s changed but my heart feels lighter.

The spirals ends, the blades of the fan move away, i get up, walk away.

Life’s okay.

[stuckinapril]

being a person in your 20s is like being 40 and being 16 at the same time. i am simultaneously too old and too young for this shit

[high-on-literature]

It's 3am I am in my room Alone. I can see the lighting through the curtains The sound of thunder reminding me of things i dont want to think about. I wish you here, to wrap your arms around me and whisper i am here. The warmth calms me down, my mind stops running in spirals and i take a deep breath. I close my eyes but i can still see the lightning strike and I realize there's no escaping. I hold your hand tightly as i know the thunder's coming, you hold me like you are shielding me from every bad thing coming our way. You say you love me and you wont leave me, this gives me the strength to fight all the battles, Even if it's a lie. I tell you how i like thunders but i hate to see them when i am alone. You promise me i wont have to face rainy nights alone, i believe you. I hold your arm you keep telling me stories and i fall sleep. Am i dreaming of the impossible again? Shit.

[high-on-literature]

We were strangers on the same train, sitting side by side, hoping we see a sunrise but the sunset became our destination.

[high-on-literature]

Do you actually want to fall in love and do all the romantic stuff? Or do you want to fall in love just to fill the void in your heart that someone else left and now you seek validation and attention to just want to feel worthy of love??

[high-on-literature]

When our eyes meet for a second do you see me in a wedding dress walking down the aisle? Do you imagine waking next to me every day for the rest of your life? Do you see your favourite book character in me and wonder this is exactly what i wanted? Do you imagine going on trips to places we have never seen before, movies we've never watched? Do you see yourself holding my hand through the hard times and laughing at our pasts on date nights? Do you think of me as someone sitting next to you on the same train having the same destination forever? Do you wish someday i make an eye contact that lasts longer than a second and all of this comes true?

[high-on-literature]

Manifesting a date where we hangout in a park, have tea, share food, read each other notes from the notes app, talk about traumas, favourite book characters, laugh at dumb jokes, blush at the slightest skin contact and fall in love.

[high-on-literature]

We are strangers on the same train with our destinations miles apart.

[high-on-literature]

The lies you whispered in my ear

The warm touch that made me gasp for air

Made me blind to the fact that,

Broken walls cant make a strong homes

Timid sunshine wont make love bloom

These weak straws we are holding on to wont stay

One strong storm is enough to steal hope away

I see thunders without any rain

And love wilting, without any pain

The clouds are concealing

The rainbows that are fading,

The wounds we healed are deteriorating

And the trust we built is breaking

Are we becoming victims of the curse,

I end up losing what i love,

You cant protect what you love?

Is it happening again?

Can we avoid the inevitable?

[high-on-literature]

What do you do when the silver lining disappears? Wait for another one or embrace the dark cloud and call it home?

[high-on-literature]

How? How do i explain?

That i am stuck on this bridge of self-doubt

The ocean of failures keep pulling me down

The burning sky of expectations meet my cold wounds

And i watch the ashes of my dreams drown.

The path i am on is shrounded in darkness,

My neck is tied in a barbed harness,

I want to escape,

but every breath i take stiffles me more

Every word i utter, throttles me more

The future doesn't let me sleep

The nightmares dont let me be at peace

The past has shackles around my feet

And i want to scream, and scream, and scream.

But i cant, because i am a civilized woman.

[high-on-literature]

Goodbye?

Goodbye.

I answer the most difficult question with a lie.

We are parting ways, going far away, you wont see me, maybe forever, I'll have to sleep without listening to your voice, i wont be able to hug you or hold your hand when i breakdown, i wont have you around to calm me down when i am anxious, I'll have to witness rains and thunders without you, i will miss you to the point where i stop feeling my heart and you are saying this is a good bye? What delusion are you living in?

You call sunsets beautiful and tell me to wait till the night's over and we watch the sun rise, is this another beautiful sunset for you? You enjoyed it till it lasted and now we can see the darkness spreading. What if this time the sunrises for you only? How can you expect me to live through the night without you? How can it be good when you know it's going to make living worse?

How can i hope the bye is good when i know it can last forever?

[high-on-literature]

They say communication is the key. It makes relationships strong, then why, why did i lose the friend i told i dont like when she talks so much and never listens? Why did my mom get angry when i said i hate it when she disapproves of everything i want to do? Why did the guy i loved got mad when i told him i want him to care a little more?

Every time i talk about it i see the disappointment in their eyes, i see how they shake their head and step back a little, i see how they get distant and nothing stays the same after that. Why should i share how i feel when i know they wont like it? Why do they ask when they dont want to listen? Why are we supposed to share what we think when nobody cares?

How is communication the key when it permanently locks my doors?