REVERSION THERAPY:
(This therapy is self-induced and self-moderated. The techniques used are characteristically reckless and probably should not be attempted by anyone.)
CURRENT GOALS:
1. Inducing nightmares
2. Inducing chronic digestive disorder
Begin Log.
Day 1:
(Note: I’m beginning this log on Tuesday, August 23rd. I’ve been warming up to the idea of therapy, theorizing and practicing techniques for a few days now. But this is my first official day of therapy, excluding practice. So far, the practice alone seems to be rearing favorable results.)
-Vivid and unsettling dream. I wouldn’t consider it a nightmare, but it was slightly disturbing looking back on it. Features include but are not limited to; dark and gritty scenery, body horror, intense sexual perversion, mysterious unexplained events, and supposed control via corrupt higher power. I was not disturbed inside the dream. I did not wake up in a cold sweat, or even nervous. Regardless, it is a satisfactory step in the right direction. I feel my creativity coming back to me. And I remember it…That’s a nice change.
-Interesting reactions to food at various points of the day. With use of research I’ve done regarding culinary marketing, I’m doing an excellent job at turning myself away from food as a coping mechanism, and in general. (I spent a while staring at a vending machine, picking apart exactly why everything inside was disgusting.) I had to force myself to eat upon returning, knowing that this process is something I’ll have to ease into to let my body adjust, and avoid crashes. I didn’t finish what I made. And even after beginning to eat, I did not have the urge to go back for more. All day, I’ve been thinking; I don’t need it. I never liked eating before. Going as far as theorizing that “things like me don’t need to eat”. It’s reminded me heavily of something I’ve heard from someone else in the past.
-Heavy dissociation during test. It might have been weakness from hunger, stress of schooling environments, or staring at a bright white screen for too long. But my eyes were fuzzy, head heavy. I found it difficult to focus, and I looked down and was shocked by the lankiness of my own arm, as if I hadn’t seen it before. It wasn’t severe enough to keep me from finishing my tests. I’m very good at navigating through these things. May or may not be related to therapy.
-Self-induced dissociation post-test. This was nothing particularly new. I hadn’t eaten in a while, and I picked up an energy drink. However, this wired me like I wasn’t used to. Wandering through the city after, I experienced entirely sober ego death. I enjoyed walking. It was incredibly pleasant. I have my empty gut to thank for that.
-Picked up fish oil pills to further reduce appetite. Popped one in the cafe section of safeway while I downed my rockstar. Tasted disgusting. Most likely worth the $13 I shelled out for it, I’ll keep updates on how that goes. (technically, I’m on three appetite suppressants now. Soon I’ll be eating only when I need to, I know it)
-Took a shot of apple cider vinegar upon arriving home. This was by far the most off the wall thing I’ve done today. I’d read about the effectiveness of this process online a few times; Turns your stomach, makes you too sick to even think about food. It worked astoundingly well, better than I’d expected. As soon as I swallowed, my throat burned like I couldn’t breathe. I was immediately positive I was going to vomit purely from the intense amount of acid in my guts. After crashing on the bathroom floor, waiting for it, my stomach settled into a calm, peaceful nausea. I waited. I ate. I couldn’t finish it. The cravings were gone, even after I popped some antacids to relieve some of the discomfort. Food was no longer an orgasmic experience. I’d won.
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