*Explicit Content* – This post contains frank discussion about human sexuality. Discretion is advised.
Raise your hand if you’ve listened to Beyonce’s song “Formation”! I hope I see a lot of raised hands ;)
(FYI, I think it’s a great song, but it does have explicit lyrics. One of which I’m about to talk about here...)
I think one of the most evocative and provocative lines in the song is -
When he f*** me good, I take his a** to red lobster
Genius, the site that crowdsources explanations of rap lyrics, has some awesome commentary -
This lyric flips the script on gender stereotypes. Beyoncé, as she so often does, asserts her sexual dominance in the relationship. She received sexual satisfaction on her own terms and proceeds to treat her man.
(Now, let me just pause for a second and include a caveat - I don’t think women should be literally adopting the male aggressive sexual model that’s described here. But I do think this lyric is exaggerated to make a point.)
This lyric is powerfully saying that women should be asserting themselves in their sexual relationships with their partners. They can and should speaking up for what they want, and expressing gratitude to their partners for providing sexual pleasure and satisfaction in their relationship.
Not only is this important because, of course, both partners should communicate what they like and both give and receive pleasure in their relationship, but also because most women get the most pleasure from oral or manual sex rather than from, you know, intercourse. (Side note: there was actually a study that showed that women are twice as likely to orgasm from sex in serious relationships vs. casual sex.)
So, Beyonce is definitely onto something here, but I think the Torah had it first ;)
In Exodus 21:10 , the Torah obligates a man in the mitzvah of onah, a commandment to satisfy his wife sexually:
.אִם אַחֶרֶת יִקַּח לוֹ שְׁאֵרָהּ כְּסוּתָהּ וְעֹנָתָהּ לֹא יִגְרָע
If he take him another wife, her food, her raiment, and her conjugal rights, shall he not diminish.
The translation above is provided by the commentator Rashi. Another commentator, Ramban, believes that all 3 terms (שְׁאֵרָהּ כְּסוּתָהּ וְעֹנָתָהּ) describe different facets of the sexual obligation:
והנה שארה קרוב בשרה. וכסותה כסות מטתה, כמו שנאמר (להלן כב כו) כי היא כסותו לבדה במה ישכב. ועונתה הוא עונה שיבא אליה לעת דודים
And she'ara is closeness to her flesh. And kesuta is the covering of her bed...And onata is the time that he sets aside to come to her and be romantic.
Either way, the mitzvah of onah in the Torah is clearly that a man is obligated to fulfill his wife’s sexual needs. There are different opinions about the obligation going the opposite way i.e. a woman’s obligation to fulfill her husband’s sexual needs (and you can read more in depth about it in these two great articles by R’ Dov Linzer), and in practicality, both partners are definitely supposed to provide for each others’ sexual needs in a way that works for them. However, the Torah’s emphasis on fulfilling the needs of the woman is pretty revolutionary, and supports women owning and voicing their desires.
The mitzvah of onah, supporting women’s sexual satisfaction, is pretty amazing because women are much more likely than men to need to speak up for what they want in bed. And religious women may need even more validation of their right to experience pleasure and communicate their desires, if they (unfortunately) grew up with the value of modesty inculcated to such an extent that they feel ambivalent about, ashamed of, or not in touch with their own desires.
As Naomi Marmon Grumet and Tova Hartman write in their 2004 study,
Just as our [interview subjects] above felt that the tradition speaks with them in validating their “no” voice within their sexual relationships, similarly, these women felt that it “joins” their “I want/I need/I desire” voice – another voice traditionally silenced by men’s power. Their sexual fulfillment is validated . . . [by a system] that demand[s] of its men participants , as a requirement of membership in good standing, that they listen.
So - the Torah says it, Beyonce says it, I’m saying it - put yourself out there (yes, it might be a little scary! but go for it!), and tell your partner what you like and what you want. You might be pleasantly surprised :)
p.s. Formation explicit and clean versions for your listening/viewing pleasure below :)
