God, how come I can’t get my shit together? This little human needs me and I can barely be there for myself. Trying to stifle my tears as to not wake the sleeping baby in the corner, my hands come up to meet my face. My face soaked with the physical manifestation of my failure. Noises of movement from the crib divert my attention from my self loathing. Meeting my gaze were the piercing hazel eyes of my perfect son. Wiping my face I walk over to his crib and pick him up. Smiling at him to let him know mommy is ok. As I lift him from the tie dye sheets he lies on, he gives me the brightest, most genuine smile. There’s no stopping the emotional flood that follows.
I pull him close to me, to smell his sweet baby scent. Planting kisses all over his face, ensuring he knows just how much I love him. Burying his head into the crook of my neck, as if he’s hugging me back, little squeaks bubble up from his mouth. You are so precious my sweet boy. You know you’re mommy’s whole world right? My whole heart, my joy.
I lay in my bed, peaking through the wooden slats at mom. She is lying in her bed across the room, sobbing. I watch as her body shakes, head in hands- trying not to be too loud. She doesn’t know I can see her, that I can feel the despair that hangs on every tear. She glances my way and we lock eyes. Quickly, wiping her eyes she puts on her best smile. As she hoists me out of bed I smile at her- maybe to remind her she’s my whole world. I watch as the mask she wears fractures and the tears flow once more.
She pulls me close, kissing my head and cheeks as she breaks. How could someone so wonderful and perfect be so sad? She tells me over and over how much she loves me. I try my hardest to tell her I love her too, but it escapes my throat in squeaks instead of words. She smiles through her sadness- a real smile- and tells me I’m her world, her heart, her joy. Save yourself mama- i can’t save you. The universe is locked behind your eyes. I can see it.