oozey mess
JVL
One Nice Bug Per Day
Peter Solarz
ellievsbear
tumblr dot com
todays bird
Misplaced Lens Cap
Product Placement
★
noise dept.
$LAYYYTER
we're not kids anymore.
⁂
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ojovivo
Sade Olutola
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
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"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
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@hippieflowermama
Sometime I Wonder
Sometimes I wonder….
Sometimes I wonder if you ever existed
Or if you were just a wonderful dream I had
Sometimes I wonder if I still see your face
Or if it’s hallucinations of the mad
Sometimes I wonder if you’re still out there laughing that big belly laugh
Or if it’s something I tell myself to keep from being sad
Sometimes I wonder…
I sit here, admiring the dancing of snowflakes as the make their way to the ground. I can feel the cold seeping through the window, gently kissing my face and hands.
I wonder if the existence of the individual flakes ends when the snow melts. Or does it transform into water, breathing life into the systems it touches. I look back on my days of practicing witch craft, trying to find any source of magic able to save me from my own painful existence. How was I able to ignore the evidence of magic all around me? From our ability to love, to our own consciousness. Scientists wouldn’t call it magic, but I will. We are surrounded by it every single day, even in this current world of isolation. We. Are. Magic.
What if creativity is our way of sculpting our own brilliance through different mediums?
What if creativity is brilliance? In any form, regardless of the outcome.
God, Why?
The mans ruthless voice uttered the words no mother wants to hear
Speechless, the phone slips
Shattering as it collides with the tile beneath.
Ears ringing, nauseous
Stumbling up the stairs, head spinning.
He turns his gaze towards the vacant face
“My son is dead”
Acknowledgment turns to shock
My soul leaves
The screams escape an empty chest, voice fracturing in pain
Why?
-MM
My world crumbled around me in a matter of minutes. Stripped away by a man on the phone. I don’t blame anyone and yet I’m still infuriated. I watch mothers shower their children with love and I’m angry. I watch media centered around family and I’m angry. I listen to parents joke about how annoying their kids are and I’m angry. I listen to a baby laughing and I’m angry. I’m angry I won’t watch you grow up. Angry I won’t ever hear you tell me you love me. Angry that other people get to keep their kids. Angry that I needed time away from you to keep sane. Angry that I put you down that day. Angry I didn’t send you to that daycare. I. Am. Angry. Everyone else moving through their life while mine stopped and I haven’t been able to catch my breath. The world keeps turning and I am fucking angry
“I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different worlds from me.”
— Virginia Woolf, The Waves (via daydreaming-wildflower)
Self brag because no one cares
I have grown so fucking much just since the end of March. I was so hopeless, clueless on how i was going to raise my son, beign a hot fucking mess. And here i am today, with a clear picture of the truth about myself and everyone else. So much compassion and understanding, so much LOVE. And getting ready to pass on what I know, maybe even commit my life to teaching it to others. All that pain was fucking worth it. I am proud of me.
I recite song lyrics like I’m having a conversation. Spouse says “You’re an awful person, and this is the only thing I would change about you.”
Charley has no taste, alas
God, how come I can’t get my shit together? This little human needs me and I can barely be there for myself. Trying to stifle my tears as to not wake the sleeping baby in the corner, my hands come up to meet my face. My face soaked with the physical manifestation of my failure. Noises of movement from the crib divert my attention from my self loathing. Meeting my gaze were the piercing hazel eyes of my perfect son. Wiping my face I walk over to his crib and pick him up. Smiling at him to let him know mommy is ok. As I lift him from the tie dye sheets he lies on, he gives me the brightest, most genuine smile. There’s no stopping the emotional flood that follows.
I pull him close to me, to smell his sweet baby scent. Planting kisses all over his face, ensuring he knows just how much I love him. Burying his head into the crook of my neck, as if he’s hugging me back, little squeaks bubble up from his mouth. You are so precious my sweet boy. You know you’re mommy’s whole world right? My whole heart, my joy.
I lay in my bed, peaking through the wooden slats at mom. She is lying in her bed across the room, sobbing. I watch as her body shakes, head in hands- trying not to be too loud. She doesn’t know I can see her, that I can feel the despair that hangs on every tear. She glances my way and we lock eyes. Quickly, wiping her eyes she puts on her best smile. As she hoists me out of bed I smile at her- maybe to remind her she’s my whole world. I watch as the mask she wears fractures and the tears flow once more.
She pulls me close, kissing my head and cheeks as she breaks. How could someone so wonderful and perfect be so sad? She tells me over and over how much she loves me. I try my hardest to tell her I love her too, but it escapes my throat in squeaks instead of words. She smiles through her sadness- a real smile- and tells me I’m her world, her heart, her joy. Save yourself mama- i can’t save you. The universe is locked behind your eyes. I can see it.
-MM
A Body: Where Every Story Begins and Ends
Quick to recognize the brilliance of a mind
Or the courage of a heart.
Without recognizing the structure it resides in.
A conduit that allows the full experience of life
From emotions, thoughts and movement
To sights, sounds, and other sensations.
A most perfect instrument,
To write the flawless story of its handler.
-MM
Even now I am....
Even now I am still angry and hurt. Even after all the work I’ve done on myself.
Even now I am still human.
Even now I am love, the unique expression of life I was put here to be.
Even now I am lonely, and sometimes so connected to this world I could grow roots from my toes to burrow into the earth.
Even now I am running out of things to say and yet I continue to write, hoping for something profound to slip out of my pen onto the page.
I will not wait....
I will not wait for you to love me, I will not wait for you to see me, I will not wait for you to value me- for I will love myself, I will be genuine and authentic without your eyes and I will value myself.
I will no wait for your apology, I will not wait for you to change- for I am forgiving and changing much too fast to let you slow me down.
I will not wait for world peace, I will not wait for the perfect moment- for I AM peace and every moment is a perfect one.
-MM
D: Designed flawlessly by a caring, greater power. My
E: Eternal love set ablaze with every interaction.
S: Soul connection, foreign yet comfortable.
T: Tightness in my chest
I: Indulging in the warmth, surrounding my entire being
N: Now understanding my true purpose in this world.
Y: You are the reason I was born, my destiny was to be your mom.
-MM
Incase you were feeling sad, here’s a collection of animal memes
(more here)
Love is Devine
Pure, rich, sacred
Yet dishonored daily
By an ungrateful society
Love is Sacred
Visceral, emotional, thoughtful
Enveloping every sense
In a warm wave of comfort
Love is pure,
Genuine, unwavering, unconditional
Seen in the eyes of the young
And in the souls of the old
-MM
I wish I could hate you:
I remember the day I told you I was pregnant on the side of the parkway. You had so much fear in your eyes that it wasn’t yours or that I wasn’t going to keep it. I remember your tears when you realized you were going to be a father, and I remember you holding on to me so tightly. God I wish I could go back to that feeling. I remember the day we found out he was a boy, you were so fucking happy. I also wish I wouldn’t have told you about the pregnancy. I wish I would have done this by myself so I wouldn’t have to watch you destroy yourself in front of our son. Feeling so helpless, knowing there was absolutely nothing i could do to help and feeling guilty and inadequate because of that. I’ve had my heart broken so many times, but this hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. Worse than detoxing from heroin in my dad’s bathroom, worse than waking up from my suicide attempt knowing I was going to have to suffer through another day. I know one day you’ll have to face what you’ve done, whether it’s after death or when you finally decide to stay sober. I hope my son gets the apology he deserves from you. Fuck I wish I could hate you.
Falling apart:
Just got back to my new home after cleaning most of the apartment. Once our “home”, now an empty graveyard of memories. I found your giant bottle of vodka under the bed, I saw how you fell into the door and busted the frame, I saw the cigarette butts on the back porch, I saw the ashes on my picture like you took me with you. I want you to know I sat in our room and cried most of the time while holding our son. I feel bad, my dad and brother did most of the work while I was falling apart. I saw a glimpse of the pain you were in, it hurts me to know you hurt so much. I wish you knew how much pain I’ve been in too, maybe you’d be a little more compassionate. Then again maybe not. Alcohol made you so fucking mean, I hated that version of you. You blew up our lives. Yet I was still sobbing throughout the day trying to picture my life without you.
