I haven't really been on Tumblr for a while now, but I still have a few followers who I thought might appreciate this post. This is the worst, most visually unsatisfying thing I have ever drawn, and here is why I'm posting it online... I'm depressed and I have anxiety. I have had for years, maybe even decades, but I have never really admitted it until now. My whole life I have felt sad but always for a reason, or so I thought. I would blame being bullied or my shitty friends or a dodgey break up or my migraines or feeling lonely, I would always think 'it's okay because I have a reason to be sad". I have an amazing fiancé now, a house of our own we share with a great friend and our whippet, I am the happiest I have ever been. But I'm still sad. My art supplies and tattoo machines still sit there untouched because my motivation isn't low, it's non-existant. I cry all the time. My head is bursting with ideas, projects, paintings that I wake up thinking "hell yeah I'm finally going to get that on paper today" and by the end of my morning coffee if I'm not sobbing on the couch it's a miracle. I had the urge today, I just wanted to art. I got my stuff out, figured I'd just do a few little sketches and started Googleing some reference pictures. I scrolled along and as each bird got more and more stunning my shit self started thinking I'd never be able to draw that, I'd never be able to make something that beautiful. And so I packed up my stuff and sat there. I didn't want to do the thing I love most in the world because I couldn't handle that it might be shit. I just wanted to draw something without any pressure. Then something in the back of my head said "who the heck is pressuring you?". The answer of course was myself. Only myself. And so I got my things back out and just went for it. If I were to draw a mandala any other day I would have to rule out a grid first, spend ages measuring so that all the sections were equal, select the colours to compliment the pattern perfectly. This time I just drew. It's uneven, unplanned, I chose the colours without looking, normally I would screw it up and throw it away before anyone else saw it but here it is. I drew because I wanted to, because it's fun, because I love creating with all my heart and soul and that's exactly what my depression has made me lose, my heart and soul. I have my first ever psychologist appointment booked for next week and so in the spirit of self-acceptance, admitting my flaws, healing and knowing that it's okay to be shit sometimes, here is my crappy mandala which was so very grounding to bring to life on the blank page of doom before me.