Dark Angel, Golden Heart

Crazy American black girl loves anime/manga, nature, art, music, animals. BDSM posts will be seen at random. But u will see venting, poetry, me posting about my baby and my soulmate.

[hisdarkangel8392]

I feel that now this and twitter are the only places I can speaking freely. It’s says I’m talking to a void….but I have nowhere else that isn’t going to judge or mar me feel shitty.

Trying to mentally prepare myself to being alone again is putting me back where my headspace was 11yrs ago…..before him but after I was left abandoned…..

I know I won’t find anyone. And I’m willing to accept that. I don’t want the heartbreak again. I can’t do it to myself again. And with immigration, I definitely can’t either. He can go be happy elsewhere. Live his life.

I’m….stuck….watching….

Wondering why I’m even doing what I’m doing. Why I’m even still here. Why I went to school for the career he chose for me. Why I’m crying when looking at our children. Why I…I even moved….

Part of me wishes this was just horrible nightmare. I wake up and this was some elaborate dream that my brain concocted.

But the visions don’t lie….

In 20yrs they’ve never lied….

But they didn’t give me the answer either….

I feel like Raven….I never know why I see what I see. But I do. Then years down the road….after I’ve king forgotten them, they come true…..and I’m stunned with the reality that I’m cursed to always being in pain and alone.

I saw a ring for Tony. I thought it was a good one. Should’ve know when two yea later I actually pick up. Buying it.m myself. That it was a warning.

Then why did I see….my son….before he was even conceived? As a young boy….ask where dad was as I had dread about it…

Cuz….I wasn’t with him.

Thought I had my fairy tale.

But fairy tales don’t exist for me.

I’m willing to accept being alone.

I just…..hate how it starts. Why was I even brought into this world if all I was ever going to know was….the bad ending….

[hisdarkangel8392]

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#newcolor #joico #joicocolorintensity #haircolor #limelight #diy #selfcare #projectday #changeup https://www.instagram.com/p/COMPduSn4S0/?igshid=11nf61fcw5glb

[hisdarkangel8392]

Purposely selected the blurriest photo cuz I like the effect it gave. I try to cheer myself up by playing with what makeup I have left (some has been destroyed or my youngest has gotten a hold of it and ruined it). But it still doesn't change what lil confidence I have. No matter how hard I try. #makeup #depressionsucks #feelinglikeapillsburycan https://www.instagram.com/p/CFUpZqDBlq8/?igshid=110nokzjdd5x6

[hisdarkangel8392]

WAHOO! FINALLY! Elizabeth has her first day of JK! She's overjoyed to start school today. My #firstgrader and #juniorkindergartener #happymom #excited #finallyschooltime https://www.instagram.com/p/CFHWHmwh8O_/?igshid=1a7wyg587no0f

[hisdarkangel8392]

2Month update on the #baconburn. It heal up well. Took 2wks from the incident (July 12th) to be able to go without wrapping, tho it was still very sensitive. Almost another week for the blisters to have peeled off. The burn on my hand was the worst and is almost back to 💯 normal color. There's just a small white patch that's barely visible. I have felt super depressed over how my arm looked. Wondering how it was going to turn out before the end of the year. But I just had to keep in mind that my skin always bounces back. I've had at least a dozen burns over my life (mostly 2nd or 3rd degree). And somehow, this is the only one that's remained visible after 2mons. #blackgirlskin #magicskin #healing #workinggirlproblems #cookproblems #SkinBounceBack https://www.instagram.com/p/CE3Ggq6BQGr/?igshid=3by2clcxzlxq

[hisdarkangel8392]

Oh the joys of cooking. Lmao. My hand lost grip on the scrapper and it landed in a puddle of bacon grease that then covered my whole all the way to my bicep. Boy I haven't felt that type of pain in 20yrs!! 😰😰 #ouchie #burns #notfun #HazardsOfCooking https://www.instagram.com/p/CClRL62B_9X/?igshid=7md164zfxffv

[hisdarkangel8392]

Got myself a new 7D mark 2 a week and a bit ago and decided to get my friend @dakota.labatte17 out for a quick shoot and some coffee @thesinfuldead #model #photography #nature #stills #niceweather #trees #NativeGirl #photoshootsession #photoshoot #friends #outsode #freshair #beautiful (at Pefferlaw, Ontario) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_0RVr9BbWD/?igshid=fbpfiskey0zo

[hplyrikz]

“I don’t need flowers to remind me of the fact that you love me not.”

— Haiku on Daisies (via hplyrikz)

[hisdarkangel8392]

While stuck inside, we're finding ideas to try entertain these two. (No, we're not sick or under quarantine.) We decided to have a "grand ball" and dress the girls up. I decorated and made some crowns for them. The girls made decorations and helped Princess Nan decorate the dining room for the ball. https://www.instagram.com/p/B94mn7OBfc_/?igshid=l6l5mtgbwolj

[hisdarkangel8392]

Waited a year to do colors. My hair has grown in length. It's healthier. And I made sure to treat my hair during the coloring process. Seeing that #Feria and #Garnier make bleach that doesn't kill or fry my hair helps. 😊 #fuschiaandhotcottoncandymix #coloredhair #brightcolorsforspring #slownight #quietnight #kidsinbedbynine https://www.instagram.com/p/B9VlbU2h3Uv/?igshid=r61m6ac789pr

[hisdarkangel8392]

Respect the process, men. Not every woman does hair and makeup and wear dresses. Some of us do it for a special occasion. Like, for instance, today is my #3yearanniversary of being #married to @solidarius. We do ourselves up to our best to give u our best. To look our best beside u. Some women do makeup and hair daily. Some of us do it on occasion. #RespectTheProcess #CorsetsArentAlwaysFun #TomboyToLady #dinnerdate #makeup #hairdone #imwearingadressforonce https://www.instagram.com/p/B9Fsi3rh1xA/?igshid=1i8s6k51ez27

[hisdarkangel8392]

#curls #bored https://www.instagram.com/p/B9DcIHiBLRf/?igshid=1by0d2klehiri

[hisdarkangel8392]

She holds her head up, To breathe and not drown. She wears a smile, To try keep from going down. She doesn’t shed a tear, For public bursts bring shame. In silence she does her work, The emotions she has to keep tame. For fear being forever invisible, She hides being miserable. #vent #poetry https://www.instagram.com/p/B7UwvZ9BgzK/?igshid=1pd2rwsn3i3uj

[hisdarkangel8392]

Ode to Comfort O, Frankenbra, u have done ur job well U have lasted thru many things as I’ve walked thru them alone. U have shown more support than most. But sadly u are worn then. U have been stitched and stretched. U will be missed, my friend https://www.instagram.com/p/B5m_T0ThZzy/?igshid=1cg86th8giwer

[hisdarkangel8392]

To see me as me, you must look through my eyes. Be in my shoes. I don't always like what I see and most days wish I was thinner, stronger, sturdier (cuz I'm a clutz), and generally.....not as broken. At the end of the day, I'm human just like anyone else. I seek reassurance, confidence, comfort, friendship. I'm struggling with my identity, my worth, my health. I have good days, semi days, and bad days. The daily stress is killer to my psyche. But I make it through. To know me, is to see me. Do you see me? #lowdaysarebaddays #internalstruggle #anxietysucks #depressionsucks #calmafterthestorm https://www.instagram.com/p/B0kYiO5AGE-/?igshid=1k8qbv5cgthf7

[hisdarkangel8392]

This notebook is 1.5in thick. This contains my information. Information the border demands to prove mynties to the USA. That I'm a citizen. That I'm not just running away. Wonder why ppl choose to just jump borders? This is a very small reason why. And this is enough to make me physically sick. Enough to stress me out to the point my face is riddled with acne and hives every time I go to Canada. This is #reality. #struggles #StrugglesWithImmigration #BorderCrossingDemands #ThisShitIsTerrible #stresskills https://www.instagram.com/p/ByR4Y0LBC8X/?igshid=3ttm3qrsxhlz

[hisdarkangel8392]

The stress I've been under is slowly lessening. But still feel #underhanded. Feeling that I'm just there. Doing what I can to make myself feel better. But rarely ever get time to myself. IDK what a Me Day is.... #inneedofdowntime #needavacation #stresskills #needtobeme https://www.instagram.com/p/ByR3yBeBTHP/?igshid=uxbzdwpo9xbz