HJM

writer. storyteller. cookie monsteress.

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It's not just what you say that stirs people. It's the way you say it.

Bill Bernbach

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Everything you can imagine is real.

Pablo Picasso

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Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.

Neil Gaiman

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A man can do as he wills, but not will as he wills.

Arthur Schopenhauer

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The Color Wheel for Writers

What drives a character to feel a certain way and how do they express their emotion? What kinds of things do certain people care about? What do my characters care about? What do I care about. While these thoughts swirl in my mind on a regular basis, I happened to stumble upon (literally using stumbleupon) this colorful chart called the “Plutchik wheel of emotions“:

It provides a nice visual of the varying degrees of emotions from the extreme to more nuanced. Also, it shows the different emotions that hover around and between others. For example, I like how “awe” sits between “terror” and “amazement”. What does it mean to be in awe of something or someone? Is it a combo of being terrified and amazed at the same time? Sounds good to me!

Sometimes when I sketch out a character’s emotional state and describe his actions, I wonder if I’m actually under or over-estimating his real feelings. This might help me as I write, to keep my imagination from getting carried away, or it could help me when I’m not really sure how a character is feeling after something happens to him. I might try testing this wheel on my own hormonal self. So, the next time I’m on the red petal, I’ll try to gauge myself to see if I’m really “angry” or maybe just super annoyed. Maybe I’ll be in a the bright red, or even ominous dark red rage zone– if that’s the case, bish get outta da way!

Speaking of visual representations, if you love words, or maybe just want to brush up on your vocabulary (I’m talking to you SAT study muncher!), there’s an iPad app called, “Wordflex Touch Dictionary” in association with the Oxford University Press. Not only is it an amazing dictionary, it shows you the visual break down of the word using word trees and gives you a ton of antonyms and synonyms. (Plus it’s fun swirling around the words on your iPad screen with your finger… it’s like a cat playing with yarn) It’s truly a beautiful, fun, and addicting app. It’s become my go-to dictionary for when I’m writing. I think I’m in love.

23,929/50,000 words 

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Current writing mood...

So this is my second attempt at NaNoWriMo and I think I understand the madness behind the yearly writing marathon. Last year when I signed up, I thought how the HELL was I going to craft a 50,000 novel within a span of one month. That’s like asking da Vinci to paint a ceiling in 30 seconds. So I quit early without writing a single word.

But I had it wrong.

It’s not about writing a novel in one month. It’s not even about writing coherent sentences. It’s about typing words every single day. It basically just means getting comfortable with writing rubbish for about 3-4 hours a day consistently–whether that means writing out sentences like: “The ear fell into something that I have no idea what” or “Omg. What was Dorris thinking when she… BUTTERFLIES! Bunnies? Ham sandwich.” Do you see where I’m going with this? You can literally write whatever the hell you want. It doesn’t have to make sense and it’s absolutely OKAY if it doesn’t make any sense. No one will be grading it. So write to your little heart’s content!

Okay, yeah. It’s easier said than done.

I don’t know if it’s from all the college papers I had to write or the conditioning drilled into me by 6th grade teacher about the importance of a well-planned and thought-out thesis statement that’s led me to want to self edit as I write, but it’s turned into a crazy habit that’s hard to break. I’ll write a sentence and I feel the self-judgment rising from the pit of my stomach and flushing my cheeks. And then compulsively I’ll rapidly hit the delete button and breathe a sigh of relief as I watch the cringe-worthy sentence vanish letter by letter into oblivion. Which leads me to another realization.

Writing is psychological.

I’m alone with my computer there’s no one else that’s reading it but me yet I sometimes feel like cringing after I write something. I guess self-editing as you write is sort of like staring at yourself in the mirror and over-analyzing all the things you think are wrong with your face…

That being said, NaNoWriMo sort of makes you confront the psychological blocks or reservations you might have about writing because you are constantly trying to churn out words each day. Currently, I’m at 11,036 words and according to the NaNoWriMo stats meter I’m supposed to be at 26,666 today to be on par. And even though I’m significantly trailing behind, I feel like progress is being made. There are a million books and blogs about writing but the truth is you just have to do it. I just hope I don’t end up getting ptsd at the end of this.

WORD COUNT: 11,036/50,000

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Iron jaw.

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First drafts are cray.

I thought I’d share my first draft writing experience with you because I think writing a book is crazy. Everything about it seems crazy to me. Fathoming a plot, inventing characters and giving them life and emotions, creating worlds and magic systems. Why did I think this would be a good idea? How did I think that this could actually be doable? As I’m battling through the logistics of novel construction, there’s also dealing with the mental games I play with myself as a writer, like procrastination, and finding the willpower to plow through a sea of terrible sentences, just to get to the end of a scene. Every day seems like a struggle. But I want to do it. I want to finish it. Because I need to prove to myself that it can be done, that I’m not just wasting my time.

I think there are many mysteries about writing that I’m only discovering as I write my first draft—things that can’t be explained in blogs and books on writing, but I’ll do my best. You can learn the foundation and basic rules to writing a book, but it doesn’t replace the feeling and actual experience of sitting down and facing a menacing blinking cursor every day. Many times you might find yourself unable to come up with a paragraph or even a sentence. Some people like to call it writer’s block, I call it my personal psychological enemy. I think writer’s block is just a misnomer or just a placeholder for what’s really going on under the surface. Things you come to learn about only when you start writing. The term “writer’s block” just means some sort of barrier that prevents you from writing. It doesn’t tell you anything about how it got there, or why it’s there, or how to get rid of it—though many people would like to tell you how easy it is to swat away, like a pesky fly. It’s not that simple.

The personal struggles and challenges one goes through while writing (like fear in my case) is something that seems to plague me all the time. It looms over me and tries to discourage me. It’s the thing that builds the writer’s block. Finding the willpower and following through is my only way to defeat these weaknesses. These are things I discovered while attempting to write. Maybe if I show you as I go along, you can experience it with me. This is the first time I’ve attempted to write a book, and I really hope I finish it.

Things that are currently helping me as I write my first draft:

The Plot Whisperer (my logistics coach and reference guide)

Notebook (for doodling and jotting down random ideas)

Scrivener (the writing software that tries to bring order to my madness)

Writing groups (I joined a couple to get some feedback and to make myself feel more accountable to getting my work done)

Reading tons of novels (because it helps and it’s fun)

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Just a speck

Sometimes I’ll turn off all the lights, sit on a rocking chair in my backyard and gaze into the darkness. I'll breathe in. Slowly. And marvel at all the sparkling lights that extend into forever. That’s when I realize just how small I am. We are.

Somewhere, light-years away, there's someone looking up and wondering what's out there. To them, we're also just a dazzling pin prick in the sky.