This is reality, my dreams are not
Do you ever just sit and wonder what other relationships are like?
What would it be like to feel like you’re truly wanted in the relationship?
The feeling of being worshiped by your partner?
That they would go to the ends of the earth for you?
The way that they would kill anyone if it kept you happy?
I wonder about that on the daily.
The thought of how it would feel to come home and see my favorite flower on the table.
To come home and see my partner finishing up dinner
To know that the dog is cared for when I’m not home
But it’s not what happens for me
The yelling when you shut down, that’s what i have
The constant reminder of how they left their family just for you to keep yours
When you ask for help and they immediately demand to know what they need to do, instead of doing it without asking.
Why is it that i prayed to god for a husband, a man, to take care of me
And instead i’m given a man child who i have to care for
Why do these women on the internet get to live out their dreams of being loved, being wanted, being yearned for
When i sit in bed reading smut to even feel an ounce of that
They get to feel their partners hands on them, the hands that seek to bring them pleasure
When i haven’t felt that in a year
Why do they get the happiness i begged for
Why do i look back at old messages with an ex, the way they yearned for me, the way they begged for my attention, how they made me feel
To look at my husband and see nothing but a stranger, a roommate, who i have to care for
Why do i, the woman, have to worry about everyone and everything
When he doesn’t think about me
Why do i have to sit here and beg for something
When all he has to do is shed a tear and it happens
When i cry, i’m screamed at
When i scream, i’m screamed at
When i shut down, i’m demanded to show emotion
Why ask for my emotions then be angry when i show them
You say i make you feel horrible when i speak my truth
You say i make you feel like a bad person when i bring up the past
Yet i sit here and forgive you each time
I sit here and let you make your empty promises
I close my eyes at night, hoping to be whisked away into fantasy, just for a moment, to feel wanted
It’s why i talk of these fictional people as if they were real
Why i write the stories i do
To feel something
To pretend for a moment, i’m not the woman being treated this way
I yearn for motherhood, but i don’t think it’s with him
I yearn to be loved, but i fear not by him
I yearn for something i’ll never have
For this is reality, and my dreams are not.
turnnoffyourmind
annaxmalina
romaincrisis
titsay
