The Hobbit [and life postDCP]

The diary of a hobbit... working for a Mouse

[hobbitgoes2disney]

The road so far...*cue Kansas music*

More like cue the Rocky Balboa theme song - training has been kicking my butt! I knew there was going to be a LOT of things to learn going into the job, but after being in class for just under a month, having an almost full notebook of notes on procedures and guidelines, a folder full of handouts on tips and policies, and realizing there’s still another 6 months ahead of me of putting it all into practice...My brain feels like an overnuked cup of gravy.

That’s not to say that training hasn’t been fun! I’ve been incredibly blessed with fabulous Trainers, which is a trend I’m glad to see hasn’t declined since I started with the company back in 2014. I’ve had several opportunities to meet various Leaders and Cast Members from other lines of business that I’ll be working closely with to help guests plan their vacations. It’s been insane trying to balance the full time job, the part-time job, and school, but I’m taking steps to ensure that I don’t burn out, and that I’m not wasting energy where it’s not needed. The atmosphere is incredibly uplifting, positive, friendly, and even though I’m still a barely planted sapling, I feel like I’m apart of a big family. It’s great because it mirrors my work family so well at my other job, and that was one of my biggest fears with taking this position. My fellow trainees are such a diverse group, some coming in as company transfers, others taking the job as their first ever role at Disney. It’s a great opportunity to get different perspectives, make new friends and connections, and it’s really awesome that we all gel so nicely - I mean, we are going to be spending the next 6 months together...

There’s a lot I can’t share in terms of specifics about my role, but I can say that I definitely feel I’ve found a place where I can both actively and proactively make magic for guests. Coming from front line roles where security and safety protocols sometimes made interactions with guests strained or stressful, it’s nice to finally be in a role where I can interact in a relaxed atmosphere. That’s not to say that it won’t ever be strained or stressful, but now I actually have the ability to have a direct hand in changing those situations around for the better, and I have a wealth of resources at my disposal.

In short, I finally feel like my career is taking a definitive direction. After so many internships, front line roles, back and forth between home and Florida, it’s nice to get the sense that I’ve settled in, and all the pieces are started to click. It’s like reaching Adulting 2.0, except I still cry like a baby when I go see Wishes or have a meet and greet with Mickey. 

Am I nervous about what the next few months are going to bring? Of course! But I’m finally excited about the challenges and the new things waiting just around the river-bend. And at the very least, I can be guaranteed I won’t have to worry about poison ivy, quicksand, or men with pointy teeth!

[hobbitgoes2disney]

3 college programs, 2 years, 1 very magical job offer

As usual, I’ve neglected to update this blog. But unlike in the past where I pipe up with some fluff of inspiration and wisdom sprinkled with pixie dust in an otherwise very empty, Disney-ish post, I’m ecstatic to announce that there will be BIG changes underway as I take on my first non-internship role with the company!

That’s right folks! As of December 10, 2016, your favorite hobbit will be returning for a fourth time to the Walt Disney Company, this time in a permanent, full-time, “real world” position! So needless to say, I’ll be doing some updates with the blog for those that still follow, and instead of being dedicated to DCP adventures, I’ll be turning the focus towards a celebration of how the DCP has contributed towards landing this huge stepping stone in my career. 

The short of the long of it is that after numerous failed attempts to apply for front line roles, PI positions, and ending up working for another dominator in the themed entertainment industry (AND LOVING EVERY MAGICAL MOMENT OF IT ALL), that I’ll be returning to Disney and training to be a behind-the-scenes magic maker for Guests from around the globe. I’m beyond excited, relieved, nervous...I’m basically beyond existing as a normal, functioning human being for a little while. And now that I’ve got a much more stable footing in my work life and academic life (still working on my degree - ALMOST THERE!), I’m going to have more time and energy to devote to creative outlets - like this one!

The Disney College Program has been so instrumental in getting me to where I am today, and I hope that as I move forward with these big life changes, I can use this platform to help others who might still be trying to find there way. Or better yet, get some more recruits for the living, learning, ears-earning way of life!

So for those who have been there from the beginning, waaaay back in 2014, to those who might just be stumbling on this post and this blog now, I just want to say thank you, and I’m looking forward to what the great big beautiful tomorrow holds!

[hobbitgoes2disney]

Europe is soundtracking my life

36 days is all that’s left of my college program. My last college program - I think 3 have given me enough time, experience, and wisdom to formulate a clear perspective on how I want to move forward with Disney. I’ve got a full-time job lined up to keep me steady through the summer, and buy me a little more time to work on school, explore career options, and find new living arrangements. I still teeter endlessly between staying and going; it’s like my head’s in the game, but my heart keeps nagging that something isn’t right.

It’s partly the reason why I’ve decided to go back to therapy. There’s a lot of stress and negative stimuli in my life, and I don’t want it to overshadow the good and positive things I have going for me. Supportive family, friends, work and school environments... They’re sort of eclipsed by the toxicity and fragility of my financial stability and housing situation. And I keep trying to compartmentalize and keep it from eating me alive, but 99.9% of my waking hours are spent feeling like an emotional carcass that’s been picked clean and sun bleached to the marrow. It’s not an easy weight to carry around in my chest all the time, and I know it has a huge negative impact on my health and wellness. But I’m also a firm believer that the Universe won’t pitch you more than you can handle, so I’m trying to maintain the perspective that it’s all exercises in grace under pressure - even diamonds have to start out as small, dark origin stories.

I’m trying not to think of the impending goodbyes, and I’m definitely avoiding the realization that in just a few short weeks, I’ll be hanging up my ears for awhile. But I think it’s been a good run: two years and 3 programs...Not bad for a girl who applied on a whim! But it’s also nice to consider home again, family and friends I haven’t seen since last summer... Mountain views and a real fall and winter season... 

There’s a lot I’ve learned over the last 8 months, and it’s time to start processing and cataloguing and figuring out how to apply it towards moving forward. I still need to finish my degree. I’m still sussing out a dream plan, and figuring out where I belong. Essentially, I’m laying the groundwork for my quarter-life crisis to start picking up steam next year, but in a way where I won’t be left devastated - more like unexpectedly launched into whatever it is I’m really supposed to be doing with my life.

Friends keep talking about “life back home,” but it’s hard to join in the conversation. I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time over the last few years straddling all these different lines for all the different paths my life could take, and now I’m at a crossroads [again] but I really don’t have a desire to keep hopscotching around. For me, it’s not necessarily a “going back vs. staying here” mindset - because regardless of how the summer plays out, it’s going to be a new venture come my one year anniversary of moving to the sunshine state. Home isn’t going to be the same, not with my brother being gone for school and the way things are with my grandfather’s health. And even here won’t be the same - I won’t have the same roommates, and I might not even be able to live in the same apartment. Maybe I’ll finally be in a real relationship, maybe I won’t - it’s all tiny factors that are adding up into this bigger picture that I can’t quite figure out yet. 

But that’s the beauty in the chaos of endings - it paves the way for new beginnings. 

[hobbitgoes2disney]

In like a lion, out like the crane behind the castle [FINALLY]

Despite working in the heart of the most magical place on earth, I’m usually the last to get update memos. New ticket pricing structure, new merch for March Magic, all the Star Wars hubbub at Studios, Rivers of Light... So it was little surprise to find myself realizing the crane behind Cinderella’s castle was gone thanks to a clickbait article floating through my newsfeed from friends, and not because I walk past it at least twice a day for work. 

The transition from February to March was a bit similar. I’d gotten so used to navigating the stress and anxiety of the last few months, it didn’t even register when they started evaporating. For the most part, March has been a blessing. Time with friends, exploring future opportunity ideas with Disney, getting comfortable in the echoing silence of leaving abusive and manipulative situations and people... Even this school semester has been pretty chill. Things back home are rough, but I know I’m not in a position to go back just yet, and I know that they’ll all play out the way they need to. I’ve let go of the fear of uncertainty, and I’m embracing the joy in spontaneity instead. Doesn’t mean it’s always rainbows and pixie dust, but combined with the shift I was seeing from my detox, it’s definitely a good (out)look for me, and I’m working on incorporating it as a daily routine and mindset. 

Things with Guest Relations and the other PI openings I was looking into have been put on the backburner. Because of time limits on consecutive programs (no more than the equivalent of one year of internship service), I’m not eligible for PI programs until next semester. Which isn’t the worst thing in the world - I took it as a major compliment that somebody liked my resume and cover letter enough to still pass it through to recruiting, even though I wouldn’t be able to interview. It just means I have more time to prep and develop, and keep moving forward. Enabling constraints, as my mentor in high school would’ve called it. Not a roadblock, just some creative hurdles.

I’ve decided that staying in Florida - despite things back home and the uncertainty of immediate career stability here - is the best thing for me. I miss my family and friends terribly, but I’m planning on using some of my tax return money to take a trip back, and it’s keeping my spirits up. But with all the work I’ve put in since my last program, and even with all the set backs and demons and life junk I’ve had thrown at me since moving to the sunshine state, Florida is good for me. It doesn’t have to be permanent, and that’s the beauty of a flexible lease and being an online student - worse case scenario, I go back home, return to wonderful jobs, return to wonderful friends and family, and just regroup and recoup from a year of adventuring. I don’t feel any shame in keeping that open as an option, and I think that’s something I see a lot of post-DCP folks trying to make it with Disney suffering through. It’s hard, don’t get me wrong, but if you have love and support and believe in yourself and your plans, there is nothing wrong with going back to the drawing board for inspiration and time to revamp yourself and your goals.

There’s a beach trip or two in the works, which I’m immensely looking forward to - it’s been too long since I felt sand between my toes and salt in my hair. And I could use a minivacation! Work - despite cuts in hours - is picking up as we start to transition to peak season, and pretty sure we’re losing the will to survive the final waves of cheerleaders and spring breakers. I’m looking into some other job and career options in the area, and I’m keeping positive that wherever life brings me next, it’s all going to play out for the best in the end. 

So for the last 60 days of my program, I’m going to soak it all up, make the most of the time I have left with my ohana, and keep my heart and mind open for the best and brightest that the universe is offering to me. I’ll try to be more mindful of the other crane-removal-realization moments I’ve got going on in my life. And as always, I’ll keep emphasizing the IM-possible in any impossible that gets thrown my way.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

While I was detoxing...

February made me hit the brakes. Hard. I was spending too much time funneling my energy into places it didn’t need to be going, missing out on prime opportunities for personal and professional development, and missing out on making memories with friends and being present in the moment. Wasting my time on toxic relationships, and allowing myself to be manipulated past my limits... So I dipped out for a week - deleted all my social media apps, put ME as my #1, and turned to my mental and emotional health resources. 

I stopped spending hours scrolling through Facebook comparing my life to that of my friends, and replaced it with reading, running, and getting back into a daily yoga flow. I stopped making excuses for my emotional eating and bingeing on junk foods, cleaned out my pantry, and restocked with healthy options and sat down and mapped out my meals. I’m working on taking advantage of counseling options offered to CPs, and once I’m in a better financial position, I’ll probably be returning to routine care to ensure I stay balanced and healthy.

It’s only been 10 days, but every little thing helps. I’m more focused. I’m sleeping better. I feel better. Work doesn’t feel like I’m dragging myself across hot coals. Waking up doesn’t seem like an uphill battle. I keep on top of assignments, and I’m enjoying my school work. I’ve got job interviews lined up, exciting opportunities to explore for my future with Disney, and I feel like I’m realigning myself with purpose and drive. 

It’s not easy, but it’s the right thing. I can feel it. The fact that I have to work at it means that it’s worth it, and every day that I enforce the good habits, means I’m that much closer to making it a solid and dependable routine. 

I’ve also gone back to my mom’s journaling technique of keeping tally of the Good Things at the end of my day. It helps buffer me from the Not So Good Things, and it helps cultivate a more appreciative and positive attitude. Good Things this week include:

+ Playing hide-n-seek at park entry + A most excellent guest interaction which has resulted in a pending adventure to Sarasota + An interview for an alumni opportunity working in Guest Relations (!!!) + FINALLY GOT TO GO TO PLAYER ONE + Learning cosas de perdidas are indeed cosas que necesita encontrar + Signing up for a new race in April with friends (time to beat is 46:12)

So I’m on an up, to say the least. I’m keeping my hopes high, and I’m not letting fear hold me back from dreaming big. I’m finally learning what it means to be excited about something for yourself, to be unapologetic in achieving your goals and mapping your future for success. As always, I’m thankful for the good and the bad because everything is apart of the experiential learning journey, but I’m emphasizing more stock in the good. I’m learning to let go of the things beyond my control, and to keep better care of my overall well-being. 

For the first time in a long while, I’m doing really really really good.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

[Still] Somewhere In That Zone

When you’re a writer, anniversary pieces are your thing. You’ve basically had 364/365 days of prep to accumulate your thoughts, try to strain the right words out of the faucet flow of your feelings, and mercilessly edit and rephrase yourself until something heaps out onto the page and takes on a life of its own.

But you’ll still find yourself - day of the event - sitting at your desk with your laptop or curled up in bed with your notebook and pen, and at a complete and utter loss as to how to encapsulate everything. The task at hand feels less like a reflection, and more like you’ve been charged by God himself to capture the enormity of the Gettysburg Address in 140 characters or less.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last two years making allusions between myself and a particular adventuring hobbit, between my journey with the DCP and a certain quest to evict a rather nasty dragon out of a rather expensive MTV-worthy crib. But these last 7 months have felt less like a return home from a successful mission that saved an entire race and served as a catalyst for saving the world, and more like a never ending reminder that I went off to do good in the world, and came home to find out my neighborhood turned my house into a free-for-all-at-a-very-specific-price garage sale. 

My first program, I used to put “Go the Distance” from Hercules on repeat. A lot. It was like if I listened to the song enough times, I could drill the message of hope and perseverance into my bones. If I played it while I was sleeping, through some weird mental osmosis I could absorb the determination being belted by Michael Bolton, and if I was lucky, maybe get some eternally suave hair in the process.

Two years later, and I still tear up when that theme starts up during Wishes, and I’m still living with eternally frizzy follicles. I still don’t really know where I belong, but I’m relatively sure I can make the miles. Still willing to believe that I can hit that high note and make it past the hardest part, measure myself by my heart and not my failures and shortcomings. 

I don’t know where I’ll be another two years from now. I’m not even terribly sure where I’ll be two months from now, but I hope that it is warm and bright, and full of adventure. I hope that I still have my wits about me, and that I’m not drowning in fear and doubt, and that I’m still surrounded by love and light. Sometimes I can be my own worst enemy, but I think I nailed it when I sat down with myself and reflected on my life’s journey on that crappy mattress in Chatham 9303 seven hundred and thirty-some days ago: 

“I am awesome. I am vibrant. I am unique and flawed in all the right ways, and there is no one out there who can be a better me than Me.”

I’m still working on proving that to Disney - the three pending status position applications and nine saved openings in my career dashboard are proof. I think some days I forget that truth within myself, especially with the demons I’ve been grappling with lately, but I keep circling back and keep realigning myself, so I must be doing something right in that department. I still [happy] cry when I think about my Traditions - both my Traditions - and still feel like I’ve been anchored in something Good. I feel whole. I feel like I’m growing. I still can’t quite get the words right on this whirlwind experience, but I’m doing my best, and I’m still living, learning, and earning for the sake of dreaming it, wishing it, and doing it.

I’m still Gabby, and I’m still here to stay.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

What that one post about “What they don’t tell you about the DCP” doesn’t tell you about

The day after everyone finishes their last shift - the one where you’re all too scared to even look at each other because you know you’ll lose it - you come into work and you don’t recognize 90% of the people on the line. Scheduling has already been considering your friends gone for at least 2 weeks, filling the labor gap with the crew from the AM shifts, the ones you never got to see except maybe once during training because you get the bottom of the barrel hours when you’re at the bottom of the pole. Everything feels sort of distant and bizarre, like you’re going through the motions, but underwater and in reverse. You have a guest say or do something ridiculous, and you turn to share with so-and-so because you know it will make them laugh, and then you remember. It’s like when you were little and trying to see if you could navigate the stairs in the dark - you think you counted them all right and proper, but you misstep, and suddenly your stomach is sent hurtling into the Twilight Zone. It’s like that, but still not quite. You can’t put a name to it. You can’t describe it. But it engulfs you, and it feels like there are needles behind your eyes as you try not to let the tears slip out. You bite your lip, and focus on the guests. You try to anchor yourself in the small details coming past your touchpoint: the scribble of hastily designed buttons, lanyard decorations, hand-designed magic bands, nifty pin collections… You wait until the burning at the base of your throat subsides before you trust yourself to engage. A crew of people all wearing empty celebrate buttons. You decide to chance it. Hi there! Welcome to the Magic Kingdom! What are you guys celebrating today? They look up at you, and that’s when you glimpse Maingates instead of tickets. The gold tasseled ears poking out of one kid’s bag. The autograph book clutched in the hands of the girl closest to you. The mascara and eye liner that’s smudged across the board. The red and white and PC/CS/VW cards peeking out of lanyard holders. It’s our last night, someone says quietly from the V next to you, we wanted to do Wishes one last time. You open your mouth, but it’s like the First Order shot a black hole gun down your throat. No sound escapes. You forget how to breathe for a second as that awful stair feeling snakes through your gut. Swallows you up. But you turn on The Smile and nod sympathetically, and manage to squeeze out a very small That’s a lovely way to finish. They scan their tickets, link arms, and make their way into the park. You can hear them singing along to the park entry soundtrack as they disappear into the breezeway.

The day after everyone finishes their last night in the park - the one you couldn’t be 100% apart of because you had to work, but you still got to watch Wishes “with them” as you worked Exit Ferryboat, and you still got to have one last round of zingers and fries and making jokes at Alehouse at ungodly hours - you sleep until 3 in the afternoon. You set your alarm for 10am, because it’s your Saturday and you have things you have to do, errands that need to be run, but when you go to turn off your alarm and get your day going, your phone is a long string of notifications on Facebook: tag alerts from goodbye photos, parting statuses you’ve been mentioned in, new posts in the Ohana Chat… It’s just too much. You roll over, go back to sleep, have some weird dreams about crashing your car in space, and don’t resurface consciousness until 5 hours later. More time for your phone to accumulate even more alerts, but also more time to be mentally/emotionally ready for the floodgates they will undoubtedly be opening…again.

The day after your second program ends but you’re on extension, you feel like Jessie in Toy Story 2 while the rest of your friends drive off. Like parts of your heart are getting sectioned off and scattering around the globe. Japan. China. England. Australia. New Zealand. France. Germany. Canada. Puerto Rico. Brazil. Argentina. Italy. The map of the US suddenly has new landmarks in your mind: so-and-so’s house in Texas. So-and-so’s school in California. Iowa. Washington state. Michigan. Nevada. New Jersey…

The day after it all, you realize that even despite this being the hardest 5 months of your life - being away from family that most likely won’t make it to next year, putting school on the backburner AGAIN to make ends meet on immediate bills, living in a constant state of anxiety about whether you have housing stability, constantly doubting whether you’ve wasted thousands of dollars trying to breathe this dream into reality, strangled non-stop by the fear that you have failed yet again to make a place for yourself in this world - you have been surrounded by the best and brightest and loveliest and simply most amazing people on the planet. You have been buoying through your storms on the life raft of love and compassion that was built board by board through the coming together of complete and total strangers. The day after it all, you wake up and you realize that while you may have moved back to Florida with only a mini van full of the bare necessities and a handful of friends waiting to embrace you in Orlando, you now have a family that stretches to infinity and beyond.

What that one post about “What they don’t tell you about the DCP” doesn’t tell you about is that the ending of it all doesn’t break you - it helps you see how far you’ve grown, how much your heart has become anchored in a world-wide network built on faith, trust, pixie dust, and a lot of tequila and wine spritzers and arguments about lexical gaps in three different languages simultaneously. The fireworks burn a little brighter. Fake Celine Dion makes you cry a little harder. Graduation ears feel so much heavier than any grad cap and gown. And suddenly, the world feels a little more like home.

Te amo 再见 अलविदा Vaarwel Au revoir Adjö Adeus Arrivederci Pronto Ciao... See ya real soon °o°

[hobbitgoes2disney]

[Personal] Illuminations: Reflections of 2015

I think this is the first New Year’s where I’m not able to see January 1st as a reset button. I’ve had to call out of work because I’m running a fever, the left side of my face feels like that time in elementary school where the playground bully kicked a soccer ball into my cheek, I haven’t slept soundly in 3 days, and my kitchen is covered in cinnamon and chili powder and lemon dish soap because I’m trying to get rid of ants.

Essentially, it’s a good picture of how this year has felt for me.

I don’t say that to discredit the good that 2015 has brought me - I’m in Disney World and working for the one of the most successful companies on the planet! I’ve got a roof over my head, food to eat, enough gas in my car to get me where I need to go... But I think I’ve reached the point where I stop seeing the calendar year as flipping pages through my planner, and more of a continuous cycle of change and adaption. If 2015 were the Hunger Games, I’m not sure I would come out ready to live it up in the Victor’s Village, but I think I would have been one of the scrappy tributes who probably got axed in an earlier round, but still lives on in the hearts of the rebellion. ...but that’s probably fever dream talking.

In all honesty though, 2015 has tested my mettle more times than I ever thought possible. I’ve lost and kept off 40lbs, I helped start up a brand new small business, I WORKED FOR A GYM, I got back to Disney, I started my own editing venture, I started writing and playing music again, I started actively living and endorsing recovery, I’ve managed to successfully live on my own for 5 months and I’m planning on doing it for at least another 5 months. I’ve had more sinus infections than I have fingers, I’ve gotten strep so many times that I can probably swab myself for the doctors, I’ve learned how to advocate for myself in the workplace when I know I’m being taken advantage of and being mistreated. I’ve let go of toxic relationships, and I’m learning to put myself before others - a concept that I thought was selfish until I began to explore the notion that I spend too much of my time and energy investing in other people who don’t deserve it. I’ve had more heartbreak and disappointment than I thought was possible. I’ve been in so many situations that I thought had reduced me to rock bottom, only to find out there was a whole subterranean network I still had yet to break through. 

I’m still on the fence about whether 2015 was a year where I shined or just held on to survive, and I’m not going to try and come up with a conclusion by the end of this post because my fever-riddled brain will probably just flip flop any decision I actually make. But I think that I’ve come to a reasonable place of peace with how my cards were dealt and how I played them out. I don’t intend on making 2016 some revolutionary turning point of new beginnings or anything dramatic like that - it doesn’t even feel like the end of the year, to be honest. If anything, it’s just another transitioning point, I have 5 months to decide if I stay or go with Disney. To keep hacking it out in Florida, or go back home and re-strategize. Hopefully in a few days my face won’t look like I’ve been trying to wedge the EPCOT golf ball into my sinuses. 

But I hope that wherever you are in your own end-of-year journey and reflections, you have a happy and much healthier than myself New Year, and sending you lots of faith, trust, and pixie dust to keep you going strong.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

The Nightmare Before Christmas (aka: a rundown on how November is leaving me a train wreck this holiday season)

Since my last post, rock bottom suddenly yielded a trap door, and for the last few weeks, I've been laying at the bottom of the abyss looking back up at what I thought was supposed to be the worst of it. I've had to drop school [again], relationships and friendships are falling apart on the regular, and I get my own nightly spectacular water show where I cry in the bathroom to the Hamilton soundtrack and wonder why the hell I'm continuing my time here in Florida. I don't have it in me to dismiss it ALL as a complete waste of time and a failure, and I contribute that to the remaining ability to find and value small miracles - I think I talk about that in a post from awhile back. Basically, as craptastic as everything has become, I still refuse to stop seeking out the positives, no matter how deep the crap goes in my Life bucket. Yes, things would probably be a lot easier if my financial situation was as stable and reliable and as rewarding as I had back home, but when you take a 62% decrease in hourly pay value, there's bound to be negative repercussions that no amount of planning and foresight can offer. With the holiday season exploding in the park, I was hoping it would offer a kind of emotional buffer for all of this. But if anything, it's made a lot of situations exponentially worse. My SAD - despite being over 700 miles closer to the equator - is acting up. Surrounded by families taking in the holiday cheer and festivities, it all kind of rolls off me like I'm coated in some kind of emotionally hydrophobic-like material. It just serves as a constant reminder that I'm NOT happy, I DON'T feel successful, and I honestly don't know where I'm supposed to go from here. On the plus side, a new roommate will be moving in soon, so that alleviates a lot of the stress that was building on the Homefront the last few months. But when you're living with two people who are on the up and up, it's hard to keep track of your own internal/external sunshine. I don't like being the person who compares and contrasts myself to others - I know it's a waste of time and energy because everyone is different and it's like pitting apples and oranges against each other in a taste contest - they're both delicious in their own respective rights, but what works for some people isn't going to work for everyone. And maybe that's a shoddy metaphor for the thoughts going around inside my head lately, but it's also almost 3pm and I still haven't had the energy to get out of bed and make Second Breakfast. Good health habits have fallen to the wayside, partly because of restricted time and energy, and partly because something that brought me so much joy and release is just another facet of frustration for me now. I wanted to lose all 60lbs by the end of 2015, but it seems like I'll be cashing out with 40lbs down. Which is still a really good thing, and gives me a baseline goal for 2016, but it's still discouraging nevertheless. But it's so hard to stay motivated and peppy and be that ray of inspirational sunshine when all you want to do is curl up on the couch and consume the entire net value of Toll House cookie dough, and wash it down with a lot of top shelf, cake-flavored vodka. I think there will be a massive relief when things roll over to 2016. 2015 hasn't been an easy year, but it certainly has yielded a LOT of changes, and I do feel like I'm learning how to grow much better around challenges getting thrown my way. Christmas will *hopefully* be spent with some much needed time with my family, and maybe some overtime so I can actually afford to go back to school when January term starts up. I'm trying to keep my bitterness with everything to a minimum, and if that means I get a little green and fuzzy around the edges when I work the Christmas parties, I'm sure I'll be able to find something to get my heart swelling back to three times its size. And maybe that's when I'll have back the strength of ten hobbits, plus two.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

The Fast Pass kiosk phenomenon

There’s a shift position at my location called “Satellite.” Essentially, there are times where my job has me stationed inside Magic Kingdom to provide a courtesy service to guests, allowing them to check in for events without having to exit the park, or go all the way from Fantasyland to City Hall to get assistance with planning their evening.

For the last few weeks, I’ve had a serious love/hate relationship with this position. On the one hand, it’s a nice change of scenery, and I usually get to team up with cool new people from different locations across property. Plus, it gives some one-on-one time with Guest Relations Cast Members, my coordinators, and the opportunity to create a little extra magic for the guests. It’s a break from being swept up in an endless tide of hundreds upon hundreds of people coming through one of my touchpoints, and scrambling to keep social anxiety ticks at bay.

But on the other hand, it’s essentially 5 hours of being continuously mistaken for a Fast Pass kiosk.

In essence, a pretty good metaphor for how I’ve been feeling the last few weeks.

I’ve been making a conscious effort on directing my focus more outward rather than internally, especially when it comes to drawing up happiness. Living for the moment, treasuring even the most miniscule of connections, pocketing Good Things for Bad Days, etc. So far, it’s been a pretty stellar shift. But every once in awhile, something comes along that just leaves me with that same bottled up, incomprehensible exhaustion that usually washes over me after having to redirect the 999th disgruntled guest to the actual Fast Pass kiosk.

October has yielded a lot of Good Things - my birthday, getting to meet and greet with Walk the Moon, new relationship opportunities, new friends, new coworkers, reunions with friends from my last program, visits from family, visits from friends back home, MCDONALD’S ALL DAY BREAKFAST MENU, fabulous grocery shopping savings, a little extra cash flow my way, Nellie not having any issues out on the road, keeping my record card relatively clean, getting a Four Keys recognition from a guest and member of Guest Relations...So so so many good things!

But there’s also been recent Not So Good Thing developments that could very well cut my time here in Florida short. After spending the last year and a half with my mind dead set on returning here, working with all phasers set to “STAY IN FLORIDA - STAY WITH DISNEY,” after carefully constructing a solid foundation on which I can build a life here... This prospect is beyond devastating. It’s detrimental to everything I’ve been aligning myself with since I was accepted for my last program.

There’s a selfish, childish part of me that wants to kick and scream, break down crying, berate the universe for the unfairness of it all. Why me? Why this? Why now? Just when everything was going so well?! WHEN I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GOING TO BE OK?! FOR ONCE?!?!?

In recovery, there’s a saying about how easy it is to fall apart vs. how hard it is to put yourself back together. It’s meant to be encouragement to keep your eyes towards the end goal, to be less inclined towards relapse and giving up. 98.7% of the time, it’s worked for me when applied to other aspects of my life. But I’m struggling with this particular application. I’ve spent so long basking in the warmth of Good Things, and I’m not ready to see if it’s enough to survive the tidal wave of Not Good that seems to be rolling my way. I’m not good with change. Despite my resume claims, I am not adaptable when it comes to rolling with the punches. I work hard, not smart, and I’m loath to see those efforts undermined or undone in even the slightest. My mind automatically jumps to trashing the last year as a total waste, all because of an unforeseen financial technicality.

But there’s a much louder part of my brain actively overriding that thought process. My “living for small miracles” mindset has made it possible to generate a happier state of being, bridge the gap between making realistic decisions with tough situations, and be mostly at peace with those decisions. And for those familiar with my track record in those veins over the last 4 years, you know that’s no picnic venture for me.

My program so far has been like one continuous week of being stationed for satellite. You know eventually you have to head back to the front of the park, but you’re going to soak it all up while you still can. You’re going to enjoy the cool factor of working the iPad, revel in being a benevolent wristband god, and - because you know it’s going to happen way more than you think it should - you’re going to accept the mistaken identity of Fast Pass kiosk with grace and understanding, and redirect every single guest just like you would the first. You can’t let the muggles get you down. You have to live and learn to enjoy it for what it is - all the ups and not so ups - and keep stock of the Good Things to carry you through. 

That way, when your bumpout finally comes, it’s not such a long walk back to main entrance.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

When you’re not so happy in The Happiest Place on Earth

There are times where I’m withdrawn. Sullen. Moody. Insert string of synonyms for “not happy” here. And sometimes, those times last a lot longer than I would like. Getting out of bed becomes a chore, showering is something you have to write in your planner, and even breathing can get hard. 

My last program, everything that lay before me was uncertain, but wrapped so tightly and beautifully in wonder and excitement - there wasn’t room for anxiety or fear. Everything was new and shiny, and nothing could go wrong. But I’ve been in Florida for over a month now, and I still can’t shake the knot in my gut that everything is going to come unravelling and crashing down.

I knew the program would be a paycut, and I anticipated that and prepped for it, but honestly, there’s really no way to fully adjust to living beneath a living wage. Yes, I have a roof over my head, and I can usually get 3 meals a day into my belly, and I’ve got enough to make gas work and keep up with bills and pay for school... but most of the time, my bank account drops down into double digits, and it’s terrifying. Coming from spending the last 12 months where I had the luxury of never seeing it dip below $400, I feel like I’m backtracking - how can I possibly be successful when I’m literally living on a prayer, and some spare change I found in the parking lot?

And like most things in life, my anxiety with this is complicated, and spills into other aspects of my functionality - when I’m stressed about money, I stress about affording food, and my brain goes from prioritizing it as a necessity to bumping it back to a “well, only if I NEED it, and by NEED, I mean only when I’m basically about to pass out” mindset...because when I’m stressed about money, I stress about food, and when I stress about food, I stress about my body...See the pattern here?

It’s not something that I enjoy untangling, let alone admitting that it affects me so deeply. But honestly, I think I’m learning a lot about myself - whether it’s good/bad/positive/negative/forward-thinking/backtracking...it’s still to be determined, but I can feel the gears turning and when I’m presented with a new problem - be it work, school, finances, or something within my personal life - I get the sense that I’m getting better at adapting. That’s not to say that it’s easy, but it’s getting easier to keep it from causing me to shut down.

There are times, particularly on the drive home after a closing shift, where I think I want to quit. Where I tell myself I should probably go back home, try to get back a decent paying job, and get back to focusing solely on school, spending time with friends, and saving for The Real World.

But I have to remind myself that The Real World is here and now, and maybe it’s not as glamorous or accessible as I had hoped it would be, but I’m doing it - I’m trucking along as best I can, and all I ask is that I give it my all every day, and according to my Goals Chart, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

When I was little - and my mother will attest to this - it didn’t matter if I had a day filled with park adventures, my favorite snacks, and getting to pick out my own clothes; If I broke a crayon while I colored, the entire day was ruined. As a child, my perception of things being good/bad has always been warped, and it’s something I continue to struggle with, nearly 20 years later.

I think I’ve definitely had my fair share of bad since the move, but I’ve definitely been doing my best to not let it saturate the experience as a whole. It’s why I try to be mindful about what I share, and keep it positive. Keep it fun. Keep it magical. It’s why I make a point to smile, make eye contact, and create a genuine connection with each and every guest. It’s why I remove myself from toxic situations and conversations. It’s why I don’t go to sleep unless I’ve made sure to end on a good note. It’s why my journal is filled with the stories that guests share with me, that I create for guests, or that my friends - both new and old - are helping me shape.

I honestly can’t say that I’m happy here, but I can - without a doubt - say that I am giving it 200% to be happy. And for someone working for a company where it’s our mission to create happiness, I can’t tell if it’s ironic, fitting, or some very clever intervening from the Universe. In the bonds I am forming and strengthening with friends, coworkers, and brand new players in the stage production of My Life, I feel a very definitive shift within myself. I can’t exactly put it into words, but it’s a similar feeling to pulling out a year’s worth of draft assignments from an English class, and checking your progression from a drunk Hemingway-worthy first draft to a polished and ready-to-sell Fitzgerald copy. I know that things will work out the way the need to, and that I’ll end up where I need to be, and things will play out as they should. I am confident in the Universe’s ability to keep us aligned with our true paths. But there have been times the last few weeks where I wished the layout could be clearer. The road blocks had a bit more forewarning, and there was a way to soften the blow of Reality outside of copious amounts of tea, and over-indulging on Aldi dark chocolate and sea salt caramels. And maybe this is just 2am rambling because today was a trying day, or maybe I just needed to get it off my chest because it’s been simmering for a few weeks...But it’s been hard to come back here and share about things when I’ve felt this weighing so heavily on my heart. But I also have laundry I need to clean and put away, an apartment to clean, homework to tackle, and a To-Do list as long as the walk around The World Showcase. So, in the spirit of keeping in line with my self dedication to end on happy notes, I will say this: If you’ve been fabulous enough to read through this to the end, please know that I am working harder than I ever have before on being someone that not only other people can be proud of, but that I can be proud of by myself. That it is a trial by fire of a process, but that I am finding snippets of joy to cling to when things become uncertain, and my judgement is clouded with fear and anxiety. And that in viewing life as a culmination of good and bad things, yes, there are a lot of bad things in my life bucket right now. But there are good things, and despite maybe being scattered few and far between, the weight of those things - the weight of those moments and memories and friendships and experiences - still manages to exceed that of the bad, and that’s what is keeping me going.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

Last year, my training experience was filled with sweat, blood, and a lot of Code V. This year, there was still a significant amount of sweat, and some god-awful culottes, but much more exploration and understanding of what it means to be a valuable and informed Cast Member. My training was PHENOMENAL! The perfect blend of audio, visual, and tactile learning, so I didn’t just get walk thrus of the guest experience, I got to have a guest experience, making it that much easier to remember places, procedures, and little tidbits of helpful things I could pass along to tourists looking to get the most bang for their buck while visiting.

I remember being impressed with the seamlessness of operations at Typhoon last year, but the sheer scale of Magic Kingdom’s inner-workings is jaw dropping. I definitely get a stronger vibe of inclusivity at my new location, and there’s a big push on getting to know coordinators and leaders - not just for networking purposes, but because the team genuinely cares and wants to see you succeed in your role, and wants you to know that the door is always open if you have questions, comments, or concerns in your location. 

Honestly, I didn’t think I would be good at the job. At all. Funneling tens of thousands of people through a tiny v-shaped ticket check? For hours at a time? Interacting positively and memorably with each and every one?! But the beauty of my role is that regardless of all the new terms and park features and transportation routes I have to remember, my main job is to ensure a positive guest experience. How hard is it to put a smile on someone’s face as they enter the park? Sometimes it’s as easy as passing a child a Mickey sticker, or wishing a couple a happy anniversary or engagement. My favorite is welcoming a family by name as they come through my location, and watching the kids light up when I tell them Mickey or their favorite character is excited to see them. 

Also - for nostalgia’s sake - popped in last weekend for a Service Sunday at House of Blues. Was it worth the free drinks? Probably not. But what would a program be without a drunken stop down memory lane and almost getting kidnapped by a fake uber driver?

Overall, I have a really good feeling about this program. There’s been a lot of stress with money, school, personal development, and things back home, but I’m navigating them like a pro Jungle Cruise skipper, and as long as I’m keeping my boat above the backside of water, I know I’ll be a-ok.

[hobbitgoes2disney]

Highlights of surviving Florida, week 1:

- I know 535 like the back of my hand - Successfully can dodge palm tree debris like a boss - Lightning storms were hella spooky at first, but now only a little fear pee comes out when the thunder rattles the windows - Wawa is LIFE - Doesn't matter how early you leave for something - if you need to take I-4 to get there, you're going to be late - My fingerprints were just as unrollable this year as last year - FINALLY GOT AN ALUMNI BUTTON FROM RANDY IN CASTING - Greeter in Epcot asked me to turn down my cute levels in order to enter the park - Going through the World Drive gateway NEVER gets less exciting, and must always be done while screaming "DIDNEY WERLD" - You always make friends with a Tardis purse

[hobbitgoes2disney]

I’m here, check-in is near, and I want to sleep until next year

What would an adventure be without a few handkerchiefs left behind unexpectedly? 

- Rent is getting bumped up - The rim on my tire got damaged, so I am in need of a replacement - My newhire paperwork is refusing to submit

If bad things truely come in threes, then I am solid by all accounts. Granted, it could be a lot worse, but for those that know me, any wrench in the works is enough to have me running for cover and expecting the whole operation to come crashing down.

But my room is coming along nicely, and I have a little DIY mirror project in the works to perk up the space, and give me a daily reminder to think happy thoughts. I’m having tons of fun with my housemates, catching up with friends from my last program, and deftly fielding the never ending requests for discounts from friends and family - remember folks: I can’t do jack diddly for you until after I complete Traditions and get my blue ID!

Homesickness hasn’t really settled in yet, but part of it might be because I’m caught up in this wave of stress. But I’m trying to create some routines to help restore some sense of normalacy to this never ending dream state I’ve found myself in. I’m 5ever grateful for the shower of support from friends and family, the calls and text messages to make sure I’m doing ok, and still in awe that I’m actually here! For the first time in forever, I set a goal, worked daily at it, and now here I am - a year later - living the dream. Granted, the dream could use some WD-40 at times, but I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. But really…I could do without the $200 car repair…

Check-in is on Monday, and originally I had a 9-11AM slot, so I was banking on a lazy morning, but Disney emailed me the other day to tell me it had been changed to 8-9AM. My only solace is that as soon as I’m done, I can come back home and sleep, no need to worry about unpacking or figuring out what tiny apartment I’m going to get sardine stuffed into with 9 other girls.

I think I’ve got my change of address figured out, so I’m going to be sending out some snail mail and letterbox lovings over the course of the next week. But in the meantime, I’ve got schoolwork to catch up on, and some budget rebalancing to hash out. While it’s still kind of fun doing the impossible, it sure is tiring with all this adulting!

[hobbitgoes2disney]

38 days until I ship out again... I guess I should start dusting this thing off and getting ready 😬

[hobbitgoes2disney]

On buckets of lists

If the success of my life as of late were to be measured in how much I have crossed off my planner, I would probably just get nominated as Procrastination Queen of the Week. Homework? I’ve still got 9 hours until the assignment is due. Clean my room? If I smoosh everything against the book case, I can make a path to the bed. Laundry? Eh, there’s still another hamper basket I have lying around...and what was it that Fred said about underwear? I wear them front, I wear them back...

But the great thing about Sundays - apart from being a buffer from Mondays - is that they are a fantastic day to take stock of your week prior, and see what you need to improve on for the week ahead. My past week, summed up in gif form?

Me: Oh look, more things I need to take care of. Let me just waddle over here and pretend I can’t see them... Boot of Life *in Elder Cunningham Fashion*: DO YOU HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT ANXIETY?! Me: OHMEGERSD

It got me thinking though about all the things I put off for the DCP last year, too. Packing was a labor of patient nagging from my mother. Travel arrangements taken care of by my father because every time he tried to talk to me about it, I magically had an appointment as some place or another. Even my bucket list was a mission of intense procrastination, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got a few things left that I need to knock out this time around.

But put off no more, shall I! Spent some time after breakfast this morning going over all the things I need to take care of this week, assessing deadlines, categorizing by necessity... essentially getting a handle on things I’ve been letting slip and slide. Hobbit constitutions are not designed for copious amounts of cortisol, so task organizing is crucial. And despite the fact that even this blog post being an act of avoidance with an essay for tonight, I thought I’d share some updates on how things are coming along in prep for this fall.

Living arrangements have been squared away, and I have a pretty good idea of what my month to month budget is going to look like. This week’s paycheck will be going towards my autotrain ticket, and while I’m not necessarily excited about the prospect of traveling/moving on my own this year, I’m definitely grateful for the headache I’m saving myself by planning this far ahead. I’m going to have my room cleaned out and bottom-to-top organized by June, so that way I can have a month of compiling an accurate list of the things I’ll need for this venture. July is just going to be packing, and working myself down to the wire until it’s time to go.

I’m starting to get ideas for this year’s bucket list too! I probably won’t have anything concrete until I have some time to do some more digging through park maps and DCP vlogs, but it’s nice to have something to blow off steam with. But for this week, I’m really turning my focus towards the last two weeks of school. As fun as it is to let my mind wander with DCP, I want to finish this semester really strong. No more red panda flailing all over the place.

So before I let the rest of this Sunday slip away from me, I’m going to chain myself to Word and my notebooks and finish hacking out a revised narrative essay! Hobbit out, friends.

What are some suggestions you’d offer for a WDW bucket list???

[hobbitgoes2disney]

Earning my ears...THE SEQUEL

So as much of my family and friends have been made aware, I will be returning to Walt Disney World for a second college program this fall. 

Am I excited? I’m pretty sure the nonstop shaking and crying and laughing I’ve been doing since 11 this morning is proof of that. Am I nervous? I will be serving a main entrance operations role, so considering I have zippo experience with that in terms of prior DCP experience, yeah, I’ve got a lot of butterflies.

So here’s to a new chapter in my journey with The Walt Disney Company, and congratulations to everyone else who’s been getting their acceptances! Can’t wait to meet and make new friends, see my old ones, and don’t even get me started on how psyched I am for the holiday season! AND I WILL GET TO HAVE MY BIRTHDAY AT THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER.

Ok ok, that’s not Disney related, but for those that know me, Harry Potter is my childhood so to have the opportunity to celebrate another year of living by downing some butterbeer and challenging friends to duels outside of Hogwarts... *inner child runs in screaming circles*