Hoes please listen up
I am the virgin friend of many hoes and since I canāt ho properly just yet I specialize in ho maintenance. I have an immense knowledge of skin and hair and let me tell you what you need to do to your body before you go and see your first draft pick, your geriatric sugar daddy, your main bitchās father:
You need to set aside a day to wash your body. Have a full tank of hot water because me personally when I take a bath I take a shower too. I have taken two baths back to back when Iām ready to spa day which is probably why I do it like once every two years but anyways.
1. That pussy clean Fill your tub with water. Get a Ā½ a cup of apple cider vinegar and dump that shit in there. Sit in there. Itās gonna get your pH right. Also, naturally wash your ass. This is a good time to shave your legsā¦ 2. Bust out the coconut oil Smear it on your legs. On your armpits. Shave em. I donāt advise shaving your na na with it because to be honest I had a bad experience in college and yeah. Weāre gonna need another post for the real deal. 3. Use a scrub If you like that Dead Sea shit from the mall go ahead and use it. If youāre a natural bitch like myself prepare a mixture of brown sugar and coconut oil. And of course vanilla extract because bitch, you are sweet. Run that scrub on your legs. Your armpits. Elbows. Knees. For you thick girls your thighs. 4. Drain the toxins From your tub. Drain your tub. Rinse it. If you donāt have time get in the shower and proceed normally. If you got all day and a banging album play that shit, watch House of Cards, watch Snapped and fill that tub back up. 5. Bath salts Not the kind that people from Florida seem to really enjoy. Lavender is my favorite scent. Fill your tub up with hot water and throw those scented bath silts in there, put in that bubble bath and wash yourself. Sing to yourself. Love yourself. Figuratively. Or not I mean if youāre a ho youāre a ho. Sit in there until the water is warm and get out. 5. Some of you hoes are expensive ones and you wanna smear La Mer all over your body and you can go ahead but the best lotion Iāve ever had ā Iāve tried every French, Swiss, Dutch, lotion on the market para my mother ā is four dollars. Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion. Back when I was a sad ho my feet were so dry the caught on my sheets girl. I bought this shit when my lotion ran out and I forgot how good it was. Iām telling you my feet went back to being as soft as when I was born. No pedicure. I swear by it.
Bonus tips: If you have that dry skin in your toenails, put baby oil on it daily. They will be no more. If youāre thick and you have dark skin on the inside of your thighs rub coconut oil on it daily. If your man aināt shit rub coconut oil on him daily. Prosper my hoes. Prosper.
