You Already Lost Me ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁
pairing: singer!niki x situationship!reader
cw: MDNI, fingering, abuse (from parents), angst -no happy ending-, unprotected sex (don't), cunnilingus, nipple play, lemme know if i forgot any
You glanced around in the rain waiting for Riki to come, you both didn’t meet a lot this month so now you guys were meeting up to go to an arcade close by, small enough that no one would come in and large enough for you guys to have fun, you were wearing his favorite hoodie that he left at your place, mascara double coated and your lips glossy, “Hey” you heard a deep voice and nearly flinched, you turned around only to see him, Riki- in a large hoodie, grey sweats and a mask, glasses covered his eyes and yet- he glanced around nervously “C’mon lets go” he hurried you, you got up and stood next to him, your hand brushed against his, you pulled away before he grabbed your hand as if to say that it was ok. “You look unrecognizable” you muttered “Why are you this paranoid ?” He grunted- squeezing your hand harder, you could feel his warmth radiate off to you. You closed your eyes a bit and smiled “Never mind” he chuckled seeing how you let things go with a little affection made him happy, you were so easy sometimes. When you guys reached the arcade you both practically ran in and visiting all the machines, laughing and giggling was you do so. He had amazing luck and you had amazing aiming skills it seemed, “How do you even get so lucky ?” you asked and he smiled over his mask “Because luck is like a currency and I happen to use my luck wisely, little by little and not like you who just wishes for something so bad and spends all of their luck getting it” he was talking about the four leaf clover charm you were trying to win from the spinning wheel and something else that you told him was your biggest wish, then he asked for the hundredth time “What did you spend all of your luck on ?” You answered jokingly “Well I used all mine up on something very special, you know this stop asking.” he furrowed his brows “I know that part, on a special what ?” you giggled.
“Luck isn’t a currency dumbass.” You corrected him and he laughed “You’re wrong but I have something for you” you looked at him as he pulled out a four leafed clover out of his bag- he won that for you ?! You suddenly beamed at him “It’s so cute!” You hugged him and he hugged you back resting his chin on your head, you glanced at his evil eye charm that you had gifted him hoping no evil eye would ruin his luck or anything he ever wanted to be honest. Suddenly two girls entered the arcade speaking loud enough that everyone would hear “He is so hot I’m gonna lose my mind!!!” One said making both you and Riki glance over at the girl, her long red wavy hair fell down onto her back and she had freckles all over her face, her green eyes shone with light and she had a body that was toned beyond belief, she was beautiful “You and that idol” the other girl murmured she also was gorgeous, blond hair and blue eyes she was tall and skinny like a model hell did you see her on a magazine once ?! “Not just and idol it’sNi-Ki, c’mon I told you like a million times.” When Riki heard his name he grabbed your hand and dragged you out of there.
“I told you this was a bad idea” he said, his tone cold and angry he glared at you as if you explicitly told those girls where he was. “Riki they didn’t even-“ he suddenly pressed his hand against your mouth, “Shut. Up.” You looked at him feeling your heart break a bit, why did it always have to be like this. Always under cover always under pressure…
He called over a taxi and before you knew it you guys were back on your way to his house, the familiar streets and houses made you sigh, at least the date wasn’t over, when you guys went inside of his house he angrily threw off his clothes and ran a hand through his hair, refreshing his phone as if he was waiting to find a huge scandal on it, he doesn’t.
“It will be fine Riki, promise”
“Riki trust me no one saw you’re face you had a mask and glasses and plus you are an idol you have fans of course I don’t know what it feels like but I’m trying to make you feel better, I-“
“Someone who doesn’t know jack shit about my world wouldn’t be able to understand or make me feel better. So can you do me a favor and shut the fuck up for once in your life and let me handle it.”
You turned your back towards him going into the kitchen to pour yourself some water, you could feel his footsteps shuffle behind you and as you got a glass he hugged your waist. You tried to pry his hands off “C’mon don’t… do that” Riki whispered and you stopped trying. Tears ran down your face while you tried to find excuses for him in your mind. He turned you around- you were eye to eye, he was still young, still counted as a boy, he was angry you think to yourself. He wiped your tears and kissed you cheek “God, your short…” you mumbled to him and he slightly pinched you.
You laughed and before you even finished laughing his mouth is on yours, he kissed you gently, he lifted you up and sat you on the counter. He rested his chin between the dip of your breasts, you kissed his forehead, he smiled that stupid charming, boyish smile and you felt your heart soften. He looked at you his eyebrows relaxing, his mouth gently kissing you again after you peppered kisses on him everywhere but his lips. He unclipped your bra and palmed one your breasts, his thumb playing with your nipple while he grinded his clothed erection against you, you moaned and he closed his eyes groaning “Kiss me baby” he muttered, he pulled away and his eyes settled on your lips, you hesitated before you placed a soft kiss on his lips and in return he peppered kisses over your neck, your shoulders, your stomach until he was on his knees in front of you and his mouth hovered over you pussy.
You closed your eyes and he pressed his tongue all over your cunt before he swiped it across your slit “So sweet” he whispered before his tongue begun to work you the same way he always did, making you grind yourself onto his face, his tongue sweet and rough, getting you all close and slowing down after you came never stopping, he sucked your clit with the right amount of pressure before slowly easing a finger into you and then the second, it was all too much “I’m close” you muttered “Riki…” he pulled back drawing a huff from you “Come with me.” He said.
He pulled his boxers down as his mouth sucked your breasts, you stared at his length, he was not so thick and yet he was long… “Condom” you muttered trying to get up and he looked around “Don’t have one.” He dragged his tip on up and down on your slit, making you stop what you were doing “Riki-“ he kissed you again making you shut up and you felt your brain melting as he eased the tip into you, his touch- so soft and sweet, so passionate. He slowly entered you inch by inch making you unable to breath. “Breathe, pretty girl” he whispered into your ear.
He took his time to make sure you were ok, to make sure you felt pleasure and not pain. You pulled back, your eyes getting blurry from the tears you felt so cared for he was so sweet and gentle, he kept hitting that one spot that made you weak, you hugged him burrying your face on the crook of his neck and he chuckled before he arms wrapped around you “Such a pretty girl” he whispered into your ear “So soft and gentle, so caring” his strokes were becoming faster now. “Loot at me, sweet girl” he said when you shook your head no he just smiled and stopped, pulling out. You whined from the loss of him “Please baby, look at me I want to see your beautiful face” he added “I want to see your eyes, your nose, your lips especially your lips” how could you say no to that.
You looked back up, coming eye to eye with him, he pressed his forehead against yours, “Better ?” You asked a bit of anger n your tone, he thrusted and answered at the same time “So. much. better.” and with that you both lost yourselves, coming together, his phone rang abruptly. You both made eye contact and he gave you an apologetic smile before he rushed to it making you sit on the kitchen counter with him dripping down your legs, you looked down as a hundred and one things went through your mind, holy shit, you got up or at least tried to get up.
Suddenly he shouted happily and you looked at him “I got it!” He rushed over to you and kissed you everywhere making you giggle a bit making your anxiety ease for a second “What happened ?” You softly pushed him away to breathe, “You know the role I wanted- that new drama- I got it.” you lit up too “Riki, that’s huge” you smiled “I know!” He lifted you up and spun you around laughing with you before he put you down “Well let’s order something and watch a movie to celebrate” you suggested and he smiled “Your the best, best friend I could ever have I swear.”
“Yes” you muttered “I know”
You loved Riki ever since he was a child and you were a child who both went to the same pre-school and happened to be neighbors, you grew up with him and shared everything with him, quite literally. He was your neighbor who heard every fight you had with you parents, how your father liked alcohol more then the usual guy and how your mother ripped your clothes up when you got skinnier than her, he was there through the years where your father got meaner and meaner and your mother got angrier and bitter, he was the one consistent light you had in your life, checking up on you and bringing you medicine when you were sick to taking the blame for you sneaking out, lending you money when you needed it. All of that lead up to one night where you guys hooked up at a random party and from then on this was your new normal. You didn’t want to loose him knowing how much he liked this set up and how hard he was working, his image as a celebrity was as important to you as it was for him so you moved with caution and never pressed him for anything more, knowing he was busy, knowing he had something special with you or at least that was what you thought and he never asked for more or less.
You went to the bathroom to clean up yourself up and he ordered food, you looked into the mirror. Naked with his cum dripping down your thighs, the word best friend rang in your ears, tears fell. You wiped them quickly but they didn’t stop, you kept crying, your heart ached, your bit your bottom lip hoping to keep quiet as you crouched down, used and discarded, you felt disgusting. In the shower you scrubbed yourself raw making sure to wash everywhere and chug a lot of water to keep yourself clean, the feeling didn’t go away. You looked at yourself, eyes red and soft remains of your mascara were making your under eyes black, you tried to clean your face up hopefully he wouldn’t notice it.
Would he even notice it ?
You washed your face and got out changing into a fresh new set of clothes, you hanged your new charm on your bag and then sat beside him, he threw an arm around you, you guess favorite movie was on and the food was set up on the table infront of you guys. Everything was fine and you were content.
And that was until the next day where you got a call from him, your finals were coming up so you were studying all of your textbooks open in front of you as you tried to highlight the chapters which the teacher deemed more important then the rest, you opened the call with a pen in your mouth looking at the papers that seemed gibberish, there was silence for a moment before you hear Riki say
“Nothing just studying for the finals you ?”
“Shit, right you had finals”
“Yeah we have those- what happened ?”
“We can’t see each other for like a year”
“For the movie, there is something like a press tour but in Korea and I’m under a strict contract where I can’t be seen with anyone or take a break from this tour.”
“So what- we’re just not gonna meet up for the next year ?”
You didn’t know if it was his tone of indifference or something else that made you feel this way, your throat closed up, you could feel the tears that burned your eyes. You took a deep breath but nothing filled your lungs- you felt like you were drowning. When he realized how silent you were on the phone he sighed,
“I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you princess” he was smiling you could hear him “Come on your my best friend you know that right, don’t break my heart like that.”
You went on, you went on to disappoint yourself again, you went on breaking your own heart again, you went on like the stupid love sick girl you were putting your pride aside.
“Yeah” you make sure to say it with a smile “I hope you do amazing.”
He thanks you laughing relief filled his voice. “I know you can’t focus when shit like this happens but study for your finals, take care bye.”
And with that he hangs up, you let your head fall onto the desk, ouch.
The next week you were at school, waiting for Riki’s film poster to be released, your friend Jia who sat next to you asked you “Did you hear anything about the actress who is going to work with him ?” You shook your head no “I heard she is a huge fan of him, she talks about him being her bias and all that stuff” you looked at her, a weird feeling creeping up in your gut “Isn’t that unprofessional ?” You asked her and she shrugged “Well, I don’t know but her family is really powerful so there is probably some type of scheme there, they may have even paid for her to be casted” your phone buzzed and you lunged at it, “Calm down” Jia said but she also was staring at the screen and when the page loaded you heard your breathing stop.
Riki looked like a man, his clothes were tailored to his body and with his hair slicked back, the front two strands were colored white and he was holding a woman by her waist… The same woman who came into that arcade, the red haired, freckled girl. But she looked like a woman on that cover, a breath stompingly beautiful one at that. You felt something bubble up in your stomach coming all the way to your throat, “Are you-” was all Jia could say before you got up and ran to the bathroom, entering one of the stalls, Jia came after you and you were done you looked at her and weakly spoke “Jia this was the girl from the arcade” and you could also see her face drop, “No” she muttered and both of you looked at each other “Oh I’m so sorry” she said before hugging you and you felt like screaming crying and throwing up again.
“Hey, you looked good in the movie cover”
“Well I was really nervous but Lilly helped me through it, turns out she was an actress since she was a child”
You looked at the messages fighting the urge to throw your phone against the wall, you never deemed yourself as the insecure type and yet… Something felt off, well sure Lilly could have a bias it didn’t mean anything, there was a line of professionalism that needed to be kept and also they were actors, they were supposed to sell the story but her word from the arcade rang in your ear along with her looks, she and you were not the same at all.
That’s what you kept telling yourself over and over again as you looked at the poster trying to cope with the fact that your whole world was crumbling as your finals approached
Time was passing by and day by the you talked less and less with Riki, He was traveling all over Korea and during he and Lilly posed for the paparazzi, they held hands, walked on the street lovingly, shared ice cream, were scene at public spaces through it all, you saw how happy Riki was walking around the city without having to cover his fee, being seen with somebody and even getting praised for it. Riki told you it was all done for the movie promotion. All the wile you were studying like your life depended on it or at least trying to- fixing your messed up GPA wasn’t easy at all and this was quite literally your last chance but it wasn’t easy. Jia’s scream got you out of your trance “A man is not worth your future now study!” You bit the pen harder, trying to focus on the book in front of you but before could even read the first sentence your phone rang.
“It was done out of necessity” you looked at the text from Riki, your heart dropped and you went to search his name you clicked the newest vide.
“How do you feel about your co star ?” The interviewer asked him and he smiled looking over at Lilly and suddenly grabbed her waist pulling her towards him and kissed her, they pressed into each other so softly, when he pulled back Lilly added “Does that answer you question ?” The comments were flooded
“OMG THEY SUIT EACH OTHER SO MUCH!!!!!”
“They should have done this wayyyyyyy before.”
…Is the last comment you see before your stomach doubles over. You felt your heart breaking, you knew what Lllly felt when Riki’s soft lips pressed onto hers, how his arms felt around her waist and how he tasted, she also knew what you knew about him and maybe even more.
You ran to the bathroom and puked your stomach out, Jia held your hair but you could also see her face etched with a sad look, she wanted to comfort you but she wasn’t sure how to so you knew this wasn’t a dream. After that it all begun your messages got left on delivered and your finals started, you hated every moment as two and a half months pass you barely turned on any device or went out onto the street everywhere being filled with him and her together. You had finals and you had projects to finish from different lessons and then undone home work along with clubs you had to take care of and yet you mind was everywhere but on school.
You bought your fifth pack of cigarettes of the week and drunk away your worries about your responsibilities, life and how much you had failed at it. You begun to decline you looked rougher, silenced all of your notification except his, your room was a mess, your head was a mess, you were a mess and yet…
…It was all bearable until your father screamed your name one night, you snubbed out your cigarette and walked towards the living room and when you arrived you saw him, your father and he was livid.
Suddenly your weren’t numb, fear, so strong and potent, you realized how bad you fucked up, your throat closed up and he raised his hand to show you… your final results. “What are these ?” He asked he already knew and you already knew what was about to happen this was just inevitable… you swallowed, “Dad-“ you didn’t get the chance to explain yourself before the first punch came your way, you found yourself on the floor before he pulled your hair screaming. You sobbed trying to brace yourself to the impact he was causing trying to stop him from hurting you as your father crushed you “Stupid girl waisting all my money to grow up to be nothing but failure” he punched your face over and over, you were under him writhing and wriggling you looked at the living room entrance only to see your mom was standing there, this whole time she was watching not stooping your father or even pitying her daughter.
“Mom-“ she closed the living room door slowly, shaking her head with a deep sigh and your father landed a wrong punch to your nose making it crunch as you screamed, you were all alone.
When your father was done with you, you layed on the floor bloody, hurting, aching and you could taste your own blood, snot and tears in your mouth “Get the fuck out of this house.” He commanded and when you didn’t move- you couldn’t he called your mom to pack your stuff, when she was done he threw them in front of you and your mom went to kiss his cheek “Calm down dear”
What a disgusting, pathetic, worthless life.
Your father grabbed you by the arm and threws you out himself, you sat at the front door for what feels like hours before you mustered up enough energy to raise yourself up, the cold air bit your body making it harder to flex your fingers, you opened your bag to see that your mom had put everything inside including your cigarettes. You looked at your four leaf clover charm, you didn’t even have the heart to throw it away, a drop of your blood fell on it and you wiped it, she didn’t even say anything about you smoking bout why would she, you weren’t her daughter anymore. You called him, Riki…
He openned on the last ring “Yes ?” He asked as if… he didn’t expect to hear from you “Riki- I- how are you ?” you say your voice breaking “I’m fine what about you ?” he asked and you meekly told him “I’m okay- its just I need a small favor” you muttered not wanting to scare him with the current state you were in although your head rang and your mouth was filled with blood, you heard a sigh “What you’re gonna ask for some money or something ?” He asked and you were shocked “No! Riki why would I-“ you said before his phone was snatched from his hand you heard the shuffling before you hear a feminine voice, her voice “Is this your little best friend ?” The voice asked giggling, it was Lilly… Riki asked her to give him his phone back but you could hear him smiling, “Heyyy little bestie, did you know your friend is an amazing actor ?” She laughed “You know if you are here to ask him for some money you really are a shitty ass best friend”
“Give the phone back to Riki”
“You call him Riki ? I call him RiRi”
You heard the phone get snatched back before you heard Riki again “Come on say what you wanna say I need to go somewhere” Riki told you and you told him “Riki, I need you to come get me, its my dad, he was really angry-“ “I can’t come right now, I have another event for the movie” he said before you heard Lilly scream “Liar! It’s my birthday party” Silence.
You took the charm out of your bag and threw it.
Looking up at the sky, you didn’t cry or scream you took a cigarette and lit it, and you begin to walk, you walked at night, in your bloody state, with your bloodied pjs, your ankle hurting, your wounds bleeding and your heart turning into ice. You walked to the ER, you checked yourself in, police came to interrogate you due to the state you were in and you didn’t utter a single word about your father, you didn’t say anything about your mother, you just slowly closed your eyes as the police officers tried to do something, anything… When you woke up you saw a message from Riki’s manager “Sorry, he was busy” with a picture of Lilly and Riki laying down together passed out in a bed and people are passed out around them on the club floor. You blocked him too. You had to get a nose job and spent two weeks in the hospital trying to recover.
When you got out of the hospital you stopped going to school, you started looking for a jobs, you reached out to Jia only for her parents to open the phone and tell you that they couldn’t let their daughter be friends with a girl who doesn’t care about her future or her grades that dropped out and you just listened to them berate you before you hung up the phone, knowing them Jia probably had her phone taken away before they deleted you off from it before telling Jia to cut you off, you deleted social media and blocked all of your contacts.
The movie was out, the reviews were great and people loved everything about it. Riki was even more famous than before now living his very lavish, public relationship with his new lover and you… you were who his management team was trying to burry, some of his fans noticed he never spoke of his best friend anymore and they asked questions which he never answered.
“Three beers” the man said and you snapped back to reality you nodded filling the cups, finding work here wasn’t hard especially after your nose job, it gave you a very doll like look, you missed your old nose and you old self, people around you didn’t care about that, the club only hired extremely beautiful girls and you were the youngest amongst them making you special to rich men or woman so tips were high but the pay was even higher so you worked. Every night and every day taking on double or triple shifts earning money, saving money doing everything you could to have something for yourself enduring the harassment,
Jia got into one of the top universities, you saw her at their website introducing new students, the best you could do was to send her flowers so you did, not attaching any of your new number or socials to it but she knew it was you, you looked at the university site again after and in her introduction text she wrote a little speech and she ended it with “Thank you to my parents, family and my guardian angel who watches over me even though I can’t talk to her anymore” it almost made you cry.
“What a beautiful girl like you doing here ?” The man asked as you turned to him “Working of course” you muttered and he looked at you “That eager to make money huh ?” He asked and you raised your eyebrows a bit “What a girl to do when she has nothing left ?” He raised an eyebrow before asking you “Not even one small little thing ?” You smirked “What is your name sir ?” You asked and he told you “Just call me uncle” you roll your eyes a bit but it was all playfull “Not even a single thing uncle” you answered. “A big party is coming everyone” your manager interrupted your little chat announces “The club will be shut down in order to host them and you guys will work until morning with bonuses, that clear ?” Everyone nodded as the man you served adds “Look at that things are turning up” he leaned in as if to tell you a secret “You’re getting a bonus” and you didn’t know if it was the fact that no one had tried to joke with you in a while or the fact that rather than hitting on you the man approached you like an uncle but you truly laughed at the older guys poor attempt at cheering you up.
The man stared at you “You know you look very different when you laugh, just an uncles observation” he muttered and you just gave him a solemn smile before saying “I know uncle”. Suddenly the club was filled to the brim… “Riki!” The man that was sitting in front of you got up and there you saw him. The world stopped, you gasped and the man turned back towards you when you made a dash for it towards the back exit that led to the alley way and when you opened those rusty exit doors the cold night air hit your face and the garbage smell.
He was nothing like you’d imagine, he changed, so drastically that you couldn’t believe your eyes for a second, he now had muscles that filled his clothes, his voice had deepened over the year and he walked with so much poise, his hair shined and his facial structure like his cheek bones and jawlines were more prominent now, his eyes now had a certain look to them that radiated with confidence rather than his boyish look he had, his perfume was so overpowering that you could smell him from across the room and he… he was next to Lilly holding hands.
You fumbled with your pockets trying to find your pack, taking a cigarette and lighting it, you took a long drag letting the smoke flow away from your mouth, the broken street light buzzed and flickered and you could feel the bitter feeling one your tongue, how was he even here out of all the clubs and bars…
“I think your who my mentor was talking about” you heard him- Riki, behind you, “He told me about a girl with sad eyes who’s beautiful when she laughed, he told me to meet you” God his voice, still so familiar and rich despite his change in tone, you felt yourself legs weaken again like all those times you two talked on the phone for hours, like all of those times he talked you through it, like all those times he told you stories about his life excitement dripping from his voice. “What’s your name ?” He asked and you took another drag, you didn’t look back you stood there as your old memories crashed into you like cold waves.
“Hey, maybe you don’t know me, I’m Ni-Ki, also known as Ni-“
You slowly turned around slowly, you were in a mini skirt, your hair done, makeup done in full glam, your jelwerry decorating all over your body, your perfume radiating off you and yet you didn’t feel beautiful or happy you just felt disgusted.
He looked at you for a few seconds before squinting eyes… only after that he realized who you were.
He realized “who the girl with sad eyes who is beautiful when she laughed” is, he realized and got white as a ghost. He took a step towards you and you didn’t move before he took another and then another until he was face to face with you, “You-” he says softly “I-“ he stumbled over his words while you took another drag and he glanced at the cigarette angrily “Why are you smoking ?” He asked and you didn’t answer, his eyebrows furrowed “Why couldn’t I reach you the past 8 months ? You never answered may calls or messages and I couldn’t get in touch with anyone that knew you even Jia, she blocked me and refused to talk to me” Your heart swelled when you heard how your friend stood on your side even through it all and it made you feel warm, you had one person backing you up at least and the one person made a big difference to you.”
“Princess, what happened ?” He asked changing his tone seeing that you didn’t answer, he took you in again with his eyes from head to toe
“Nothing.” you answered, he flinched at your voice, you didn’t know what he flinched at when this is how you have been talking for the past eight months.
Your voice deeper and raspier with all the cigarettes you smoked and how your father ruptured your vocal cords by choking you hard enough.
“Why did you change yourself ?” He asked looking at your nose, no answer.
“Why did you change your number ?” No answer
“Why did you block everyone ?” No answer
“Why do you work at a night club ?” No answer
“Do you…” he looked at your skimpy outfit “… sell yourself ?” You slapped him so hard his face flipped sideways under a second, leaving a huge read mark.
“Why didn’t you look for me if you wanted to see me that bad ?” You asked and he suddenly looked at you shocked before anger crashed into him, “You know I was worried about you but you’re still the same as ever, selfish. You know I was working on the film with Lilly, you were supposed to be the one who texted me and called me.”
“I did you fucking prick, you never answered.”
“Is she your girlfriend ?”
Your thew your cigarette onto the floor crushed it with your heel and rain started pouring down softly,
“You took her out to public dates ?” He looked at you confused “Why does that even matter ?” He asked before you looked up at him, you guys no longer stood eye to eye, he was taller now.
“What was I to you Riki ? You asked, this was what the girl you were a year ago wanted to know, this was what you owed to yourself to hear from his lips what you knew and yet never dared to think about in order to not break your own ♡
“Seriously is this what this is about ? You were my best friend- you are my best friend”
“Was I your best friend when you looked at me and asked me to be your prom date ?” He looked at you and you saw, he knew what you were about to say. “Or was I your best friend when you came inside me ? Was I still your best friend when you came over every year for valentines day to give me a plushie and chocolates ? Or when you cried on my shoulder about the future, when you were drunk and then kissed me ? Were you still my best friend when I limped over to your house because my dad broke my ankle and you helped tend for it ? Were you still my best friend when I asked you to be gentle because it was my first ? Were you still my best friend when I asked you to kiss over my wounds that my father created because I failed at math ? Was I still your best friend when you said “I know love is unconditional because I have you in my life” ?” You had. Tears running down your face “Was I still your best friend when you kissed her ?”
He took a step back and you realized you were shouting, he looked around.
To see if anyone heard before replying to you .
“You were- fuck! You’re still my best friend!” He addeded “Those things didn’t matter we were young, stupid kids who didn’t know better look I know you thought that you loved me but it was all in your head- it was never like that for me and if you looked close enough you would realize that you also weren’t in love.”
And that cut you to you core, suddenly a sob broke out of you before you could even stop it “You want me to act like a normal friend and go inside and greet your girl friend because we are still best friends ?” You screamed and he screamed back “Well why can’t you ? Those memories didn’t mean anything, I love Lilly, she is perfect in every sense she isn’t overly sensitive, she doesn’t ask for attention all day everyday, she can stand up for herself and she knows how to support me, properly.” He was talking about you and all your faults and with the way he spoke you would think he was talking about decades ago when only a year ago he would have kissed you gently and apologized.
Would he have apologized ?
Now that you thought about it
“Because I was youn, Riki, because I was young and in love with you ever since our first kissed, I loved you when you cried about falling off your bike, when you chased your dreams, when you came to my door every time I needed you, all those times you yelled at me because you were frustrated, when you didn’t tell your friends about me because you were ashamed to mention what happened between us ashamed about me, I loved you when I delivered you soup when you were sick and you threw up all over and I loved you when you came inside me and ran to the phone straight afterwards, I loved you when you gave me those stuffed animals and when you didn’t talk to me for days after you didn’t get the role you wanted, I loved you when you slept with another girl next to you and I loved you still when my father beat the shit out of me, kicked me out of the house and I had nobody else but you to call and you still ignored me when I needed you”
“2 broken bones, one being my nose and a chunk of my hair missing, hearing damage, concussion, my vocal cords were damaged, my whole body was yellow and purple, cuts all over my body, yet I still loved you, I tried to call for you in that state, twanted hold me gently again because I was young, I was stupid, so stupid to love a fucking guy who knew I loved him and yet he used me to satisfy his loneliness and sexual needs”
“Remember at that arcade I asked how you were so lucky and you said you used your luck wisely and asked me what I used mine on- that one big special wish.“
You lit another cigarette “You” you took a drag “I used all my luck on you, put all of my cards on the table, I bet everything on you, I loved you and ı spent everyday and every ounce of luck I had standing next to you hoping that I had enough to make you love me but the problem was that you were right, I wasn’t wise and now you shine under the stop light and ASK ME İF ı sell my body you piece of shit”
Your tears dry up “You know I loved you until the day I called you and asked for you to come help me and you didn’t and now I realize, there were a lot of people who hurt me in my life time, my father who beat on me every chance he got, my mother who ignored my pain for her husband, nit picking everything about me, my boss who tried to rape me before I came here Jia’s family who told me that I wasn’t worthy enough for their daughter but no one and I mean no one hurt me as much as you. See you, you have such a special way of making me feel so weak and pathetic that makes me feel like I should have taken my life long ago.”
You looked at his expression, anger maybe sadness, a tear rolled down his face and yet you didn’t feel anything towards him, you even wondered if he was acting.
“But I never loved you” he weekly muttered “But I don’t want to loose you”
He said it like he was a small child who didn’t understand why he was getting scolded
“You already lost me long ago.”
He shook his head like he didn’t want to believe.
“I hope you fall in love exactly how I did and I hope you pay for it. And if I have any luck left let me see it with my own eyes.”
blakekathryn
theartofmadeline
2087
kaledo-art
dededos
pixelskylines