a/n: iâve tried posting this twice now, but when iâve checked it wasnât showing under any tags. if youâve seen this already i apologise. this piece of work is also available on my AO3. please continue to like, reblog and share and feedback is always appreciated <3
wc: 1.6K
pairing: bang chan x afab!reader (i use the word girlfriend, however, it can be interchangeable for any other preferred term :D)
summary/tags: idol!au; 9th member au!; secret relationship; angst; fluff! or the reader and chan have been seeing each other behind their teammates backs, however, after witnessing chan flirt with another girl, the reader questions the legitimacy of their relationship.
Itâs not like you were upset. After all, no one knew you were a couple. You werenât supposed to be dating anyone, let alone your leader. Instead, you were sneaking around, behind your teammateâs backs, ensuring they wouldnât find out about your late-night rendezvous. Sneaking out of the dorm, with hushed whispers and muted laughter during the early hours, just so you can share a moment alone. He was the leader, after all, so he was supposed to know better than fraternising with someone he worked and lived with. But after many late-night talks and longing glances, it was inevitable that you would find your way to each other, and no one suspected a thing.
So, watching Chan shamelessly flirt backstage with the leader of JYPâs new girl group, you werenât supposed to be upset, your skin wasnât supposed to be burning, and your heart wasnât supposed to be aching as it did. You didnât blame the girl for blushing or inching closer to his touch. Her teammates were amused by their interaction. Chanâs charm had that effect, and people dreamt of having his earnest, undivided attention. His head was thrown back with laughter and his eyes glimmered as he continued to compliment the girl. His fingers trailed against the edge of the hair, almost like he was teasing her. He continued to compliment her style, the way she was able to lead her group and flow through the music with such ease and such beauty.
Heâs just being nice.
You tried to rationalise, but your skin continued to heat as you watched their interaction, making you reconsider.
âI think Channieâs got a crush.â Jeongin mused from beside you, his smile growing wide.
âYou think?â You questioned, your voice wavering slightly as you turned to meet Jeongin.
âDefinitely!â He quipped, âIâve never seen Chan so playful.â
Swallowing thickly, you nodded in agreement; âI suppose youâre right.â
Thinking about it, you had never seen Chan like this. So bold and brazen. With you he was different. He was gentle and sweet; it made you think that something was off between you both. A seed of insecurity was blooming inside you. Now, analysing your interactions over the past few days, perhaps Chan did seem different, distant. Were his glances shorter? Was his touch more rigid?
âYou ok, Y/N/N?â Jeongin frowned, placing his hand on your shoulder almost like he was trying to steady you.
Smiling weakly, you nodded. âOf course, Jeongin, Iâve never felt better.â
âDonât worry Y/N/N, Iâm sure if Channie gets a girlfriend, youâll still be his favourite.â
You hardly had the chance to respond before staff members hurriedly began filling the enclosed area, alerting the girlsâ that it was time to head back to their dressing rooms. Chan embraced the leader one last time, his touch lingering longer than you had hoped, before waving goodbye.
You were grateful that Stray Kids had performed earlier on in the day, uncertain that youâd have been able to compose yourself in time. You hadnât expected to be so thrown off by Chanâs interaction. Today was supposed to be perfect; it was your first performance after your momentary hiatus â a brief safety concern after you were mobbed at a grocery store - and everything was running smoothly until you watched Chan interact with the younger girl.
Heâd reassured you a few days prior that things would run smoothly, and he seemed so concerned while he was pressing soft kisses across your face. He knew how anxious you could get, especially when you hadnât performed in a while.
You couldnât shake your anxiety as you stepped through the doors of your dorm. You could hear the boys laughing behind you, but everything felt spaced out and echoey. You could hardly hold Chanâs gaze on the journey home, scared that if he looked at you long enough he would see right through you and you would unravel before him. You felt pathetic, feeling like this, almost like a child. But you couldnât stop your mind from reeling endlessly with stupid thoughts that concluded that your relationship meant nothing to him. That you meant nothing to him.
That terrified you the most because youâd never let yourself be so vulnerable.
A hand grasped your shoulder, the weight of it snapping you out of your trance. The touch sent volts of electricity through you. It could only be one person. You wanted nothing more than to lean into his warmth and be comforted by his soft embrace; but you couldnât, not while carrying this burden that made you feel so inadequate.
âY/N/N,â he began. âAre you coming in?â A look of concern flashed across his face, making him appear much softer in comparison to his dark exterior.
You hadnât realized that the entryway was empty; the rest of the boys had disappeared into the comfort of their bedroom, exhausted. A luxury you didnât have right now. You wanted nothing more than to hide away, but you couldnât, not from Chan.
Wordlessly, you let him guide you away from the door, but as soon as he stilled, you stepped back abruptly, almost like his touch now burned. Chan frowned at this, suddenly alarmed by your movements.
âIs everything ok, my love?â He questioned softly.
âPlease donât call me that,â you whispered, struggling to meet his gaze. A wave of embarrassment consumed you, how could he use those words so carelessly, especially when it was clear you meant nothing to him?
âDid I do something wrong?â
Scoffing, you turned away from him. You couldnât believe how oblivious he was.
Somehow this hurts more.
You could feel his gaze on you as you made your way into the kitchen, mindlessly filling up a glass of water, hoping the cool water would ground you.
âWhy are you being so weird?â He pressed, his demeanour changing completely. Frustration was evident in his voice as he followed you into the kitchen. You froze momentarily, feeling the heat of his words. Your fingers tensed around your glass, flexing slightly with each anxious breath.
âDo I mean anything to you?â You started, your voice wavering with every syllable.
Chan paused at your words, furrowing his brows in confusion. âI donât understand, of course, you mean something-"
âBecause youâve never actually said if I was your girlfriend,â Your voice began to raise a few octaves, as you placed the glass down. You were fully facing him now, your breath visibly uneven.
Eyes widening, Chan stepped forward, clamping his hand around your mouth to hush you.
âShit!â He swallowed thickly. âWe canât⊠You know that.â He exasperated, his gaze trailing from the hallway that led to the bedrooms and then back to you.
He didnât want any of the guys to hear you.
Pushing him away, you continued much quieter,
âThis is exactly what I mean. You donât actually care about me. You wonât even call this,â You gestured between you both. âWhat it is.â
âI donât get where this is coming from. Youâve never been bothered before.â Chan replied sternly.
âWell, maybe Iâm upset that youâre happy to fuck me, but then flirt with someone else.â
A tense pause fell between you both. You were exhausted at this point.
âY/N/NâŠâ He trailed.
You could feel your eyes tearing up now, all the anxiety and frustration finally bubbling to the surface.
âI know weâre not supposed to be together. Iâm not asking you to tell the whole world about us, but I thought you cared about me and respected me enough not to flirt with anyone else.â
Depleted, you finally whispered, âBut I guess not.â
An abundance of emotions flashed across Chanâs face as your words slowly sank in. Tentatively, he stepped closer to you.
âOf course, I care about you,â he coaxed.
âI wasnât trying to flirt with her.â
He raised his right hand and brushed away your tears. You hated how his touch still managed to soothe you even when you were upset with him.
âIâve known Sena for a long time; we used to practice together. Today was the first time Iâve seen her in months, but I can see how it looked from your perspective, and for that I am sorry.â His thumb trailed across your face and moved to caress your cheek.
âI do care about you, sweetheart.â His other hand moved to clasp yours, squeezing it with reassurance. âYou deserve way better than this and I wish we didnât have to sneak around, but if anyone found out we would be in so much trouble.â
You let out a small cry of relief at his words, understanding fully what he meant. Youâd be risking your careers if anyone found out you were seeing each other. The controversy it would cause would jeopardize the bandâs credibility and you had no idea how your fans would react.
âI know, but when I saw you with her, I got so scared because you seemed so different. You looked so happy and so confident and I was afraid you would realize I couldn't make you feel like that.â
Chan let out a laugh at this, tears gleaming at the edge of his eyes with amusement.
âY/N/N I feel so much more when Iâm with you. I donât know what Iâd do without you. I love you so much and Iâm sorry that I made you feel otherwise.â
Leaning forward, he pressed his forehead against yours.
âYou love me?â You gasped, shocked by his declaration.
âMore than anything.â He smiled, squeezing your hand once more before finally closing the gap between you both.
His lips were soft, just as they always were. You practically melted into him.
i have no more academic responsibilities, so i was thinking of writing a continuation of the skz!reader fic i haveâŠ.. i need to sit on some ideas for a sec <3
cw: angst, depictions of violence and death, mentions of blood
"Can you go any slower?!" You shouted as you ran up the stairs, trailing behind Hyunjin. Out of breathe with your legs practically aching with fatigue in every step you take, the roars of the guards and the rapid sound of footfall, reminding you of a stampede of elephants, echoes throughout the stairwell.
"Shut the fuck up, we're almost at the rooftop." He says as he finally reaches the top floor, crashing into the door to push it open, revealing the nightsky and the city lights.
The moment you enter the rooftop, Hyunjin quickly throws tear gas into the stairwell before closing the door shut, buying them time to escape with the helicopter coming their way.
"You got the briefcase?" You hear Hyunjin ask, pulling your attention away from the view in front of you. "Yeah, I have it here with me." You show him the briefcase with a light shake, a smile on your face as you still try to catch your breath.
The two of you were pretty high up. The building was at least 80 stories high and just from peering to the busy road below made your stomach flip to the point that even a simple gust of the night wind scares you, making you think that it can simply push you over theledge to your death.
With the sound of the helicopter nearby, Hyunjin pulls you in for a hug, his arms wrapping around your body while he nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck.
"Thank you," he mutters. "For what?" You say with a slight chuckle. "For helping me." Hyunjin replies, now pulling away from the hug to look at you.
Despite the chaos, the night was still young the beautiful. The full moon shines above you, not even a cloud at sight. It was almost unfair to see him looking so ethereal right now, the moonlight highlighting his devilish features.
His sharp eyes scan your face like a hawk as he cups your cheek. "Without you, I wouldn't have made it this far." He says, lowers his face until your lips slightly graces your lips.
With a smile, you slowly close the gap between the two of you. Kissing Hyunjin was always a delight, and sometimes, a surprise. You would never know what you'd get. He was such a passionate kisser but there would be times where he would be rough, a personal favorite of his.
But tonight was an exception.
His lips move with your gracefully, passionately, full of emotion, until...
First came the initial shock, your eyes widening in surprise as you froze on your spot.
Then came the pain, blooming just by your rib cage.
Hyunjin pulls away from the kiss, a smile plastered on his face. "I'm sorry, love." By now, the endearment rolls off his tongue in a way you weren't familiar with. It sounded foriegn, sarcastic even.
His halfmeant apology rings through your ears the same time he pulls the dagger off your side, your blood now staining the silver weapon and your clothes.
"But really, I am thankful for you. Without you, I wouldn't have gotten this." He says as he takes the briefcase away from your weak grasp. Blood pours out rapidly through your wound, making you extinctively cover it up with your shakey hands.
You didn't know what was more painfulă Ą you getting stabbed or you dying by the hands of someone you love.
But you didn't even have time to think.
Your vision was getting cloudy by the second and you're coughing up blood. You were sure that he punctured your lung, the sharp pain in your chest every time you try to breathe tells you so.
As the helicopter lowers from above, Hyunjin smiles at you one last time, mouthing the words 'I love you' just before he pushes you off the ledge, and as you free fall to your death, you have finally made up your mind; getting stabbed wasn't painful, and neither is getting stabbed by the hands of someone you love.
It was betrayal that killed you, and that was the most painful death of all.
as a smut writer and 18+ nsfw blog, i really appreciate when the accounts who start following me have their age on their descriptions. thank you so much.
Hate to be that person, but WW3 trend on TikTok is not funny at all, especially your stupid POVs. Because no, Jessica from Chicago, you wonât have to hide in the basement to avoid being nuked and no, Kyle from LA, you wonât get drafted to the front lines.Â
You again missed the whole point and managed to make this situation all about yourself, so Iâm going to assure your stupid ass - this war is not going to affect you in any way, but you know who itâs going to affect? Actual people from Ukraine, who are going to lose their lives and be displaced from their homes, just like for the past 8 years.Â
So congratulations on your stupidity, because itâs not about âI need a way to cope đ„șđ„șđ„șâ, itâs about you celebrating and making fun of other peopleâs death.
[5:44am] It's freezing in your bed, the sheets crisp and full of cold beneath you despite the hours you've been laying atop them. The winter wind knocking at the windows has the glass shaking in its pane, and you huddle closer to your husband, seeking out warmth. Even in his sleep, Chan manages to find you, his arms automatically sliding around you, his broad outline immediately cushioning you with incredible heat. You take a deep breath, inhaling his body heat and his sweet scent, before gently exhaling, your breath tickling Chan's neck; his eyes open groggily as he hums gently, looking down at you with a soft smile. Realising how cold your skin is, Chan wraps his legs around you too, completely tucking your body into his and making you feel tiny in his embrace. You snuggle closer to him, your noses grazing and your breath mingling in hot puffs as your eyes lock with each others', the both of you falling for each other even more than before. Kissing the tip of your nose softly, Chan hugs you tighter, his muscular arms engulfing you in their strength and you sigh in content, shutting you eyes against Chan's soft cheek. The heat pouring out from him seeps into you and floods your insides, lighting you on a very lovestricken fire and at last, sending you into a soft sleep.
It is illegal for an individual to knowingly use interactive computer services to display obscenity in a manner that makes it available to a minor less than 18 years of age (See 47 U.S.C. § 223(d)). (As stated in a Tumblr post. Click the link to read it fully)
I have seen a lot of discourse, again, about minors being in NSFW spaces and even some adults defending minors and that's not okay. A friend and I have done some research and have collected the above materials to show minors (those who are under the age of 18) that it is illegal for a minor to write, read, or interact with any sort of NSFW work.
When you do so you are putting adults at risk because adults will have to answer for your actions. You are putting adults at risk of legal trouble. When an adult blocks you it is not because they are trying to be mean, it's because they are trying to protect themselves and in existence you from anything bad happening. Nobody wants to end up in jail over a fucking fictional story. It's not fair to adults that you're putting them at such risk because you want to read about your favorite characters having sex.
An author has a responsibility to tag their stories, put warnings on them, and at times disclaimers for the stories so that the reader can make an informed decision before reading. If a story is marked as explicit or the author says they do not want anyone under the age of 18 to read their content then don't read it.
Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. Smut authors are trying to create safe boundaries so they do not do anything that would get them into trouble. If a person - whether or not an they write smut expresses that they don't want children or teens to follow them then that needs to be respected.
It is not anyone responsibility to provide minors with blogs that are safe for them to consume. If a minor can find NSFW blogs then they can find blogs that are safe for them.
Parents - and I know there are parents on here - need to take it upon themselves to educate their children on internet safety and not going into spaces that are not for them. They need to be more proactive in knowing what their children are doing on the internet. There are too many unsafe places and unsafe people on the internet for children and teens to be on it without parent knowledge.
Minors: you need to think about what you're doing and how you're putting people in danger. It is not worth it just so you can read material that's meant for adults. Stop putting people at risk. Stop not listening. Stop following blogs that are under the age of 18. You are in the wrong, not the adults blocking you.
Well this is timely after just finding two more minors following me and blocking them.
Seriously. STOP.
Youâre literally proving our point for us, that you are anything but an adult or âmature for your ageâ because you canât even respect simple boundaries.
So for the millionth time, if you are under the age of 18: unfollow me right now and do not interact.
@stargazingfangirl18 is absolutely right about how yâall donât respect simple boundaries. Youâre not funny or cool if you still decide to interact with NSFW blogs/content even after the bloggers or creators clearly state not to. Youâre just disrespectful and immature. End of story.
Also, I studied child development for the past 5 years of my life and Iâve learned about how mature/explicit content can have negative consequences on development!! So listen to us when we say that our content IS NOT FOR YOU!!
If you are younger than 18 years old:
Do not follow me
Do not like/reblog/comment on any of my posts
Do not hit up my inbox or DMs
I literally spelt this out as clearly as I can so if you still choose to not listen, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship with the internet đ
Recently, this seems to be an ongoing problem. I've seen a lot of my mutuals and some blogs that i have been following for a while now experience problems with minors interacting in their blogs even though its nsfw.
So please, as I have stated numerous times before, if you are a minor, you should just stop ineracting with nsfw blogs.
You heard her laugh before you even got the chance to get off the sofa. You scrambled up, watching from the other side of the room, as she held your phone. The giddy smile on her face made it difficult to keep serious, but regardless of how u reacted, you knew it wouldnât stop her.
Watching as she placed your phone upside down on the kitchen counter, a smile etching on your face.
âWhat did you put now?â
You jumped over the sofa, walking towards the kitchen and picking up your phone. The light lit up, revealing a stupid picture of you sleeping. She must of took it when she was over for the last sleep over, but with the amount of times sheâs stayed over, she practically live in your house.
âYouâre cute when you sleep.â She walked up behind you and you groaned, turning your phone off and placing it back onto the counter.
âShut up.â You laughed, playfully slapping her shoulder before she winked and walked off.
The next time you opened your phone, the background was changed again, but it was a funny picture of her making a face. Smiling at the picture, you screenshotted the photo and changed it to your original wallpaper.
Usually youâd change it back, but when, for the third time, you saw that she changed your wallpaper to the two of you, laughing while laying on your bed, you didnât change it.
It was cute, and you were sure that your feeling towards the brunette had increased the more you spent time with her (which was literally all day everyday).
---
Your bed sheets were warm as you woke up from your slumber. The presence of your best friend was prominent as you looked to your side, watching as she herself began to stir. You could never get enough of her, and you kinda wished you could stay like this forever.
"Morning." She mumbled, exhaling into the pillow as she opened her eyes.
"Mornin'"
"What time is it?"
You looked onto the nightstand, reaching for your phone and bringing it closer to your face. Before you could even turn it on, Kate snatched it off you and giggled to herself.
"You always fall for that." She laughed as she looked at your unamused face. Any attempt to take it back off of her were futile, so you accepted defeat and let her do whatever she wanted.
She paused when she opened your phone, silently staring into the picture of you and her that she'd placed as your wallpaper weeks ago.
"You didn't change it." She looked towards you, placing the phone onto the bed.
"Yeah. I like it too much."
You spent the next minute in silence, stealing glances and inching closer to each other. Only when your noses were almost touching you realised how actually close you were.
"Can I kiss you?" She whispered, her breath falling on top of your lips. You merely nodded before you could feel the warmth of her lips on yours. You froze for a moment, before you started to kiss back, cherishing the moment you didn't think would ever happen.
The butterflies that erupted in your stomach were hard to ignore, especially when she shifted to move above you.
When you told Chan you were pregnant he was over the moon, like, so excited you had to physically calm him down several times. He spent the rest of the day calling everyone to tell the news and from that day on he slept with his hand on your stomach. He was so happy to be a dad, he kept daydreaming about the things he would do with his baby when they arrived.
Pregnancy was pretty smooth to you, but the more time passed, the more it hit him he would have to raise a human being for at least 18 years and started to worry. You would calm him down saying that if he survived raising the boys in their old dorm he could survive a baby.
The moment he had his baby in his arms he was besotted, he would not leave the baby's side and you could always catch him staring at them. At home, he was the most helpful father ever, doesn't matter how many times you had to get up at night to feed the baby, he was always there with you. He was already a pro at diaper changing before the baby was even born, so at home, it almost became his thing and he didn't mind doing it either. One thing he was very excited about was for the member to meet the baby, they had seen pictures and videos because Chan always made sure to document every single thing to send them but they had not met them personally yet.
They came in groups as to not overwhelm the baby and you since you had been sleep-deprived for a few weeks now. Felix, Hyunjin and Lee know came in first, they even bought gifts and food. They took turns holding the baby and Chan almost had a heart attack every time, he was ready to catch the baby as soon as he let out any sound.
âit's okay Chan, I think he is just poopingâ, you try to calm him down.
âPOOPING???â, Hyunjin, that had the baby at that moment screamed, scaring the baby and with a disgusted face, he handed the baby back to Chan's relief.
Seungmin, Changbin, Han and Jeongin came after the other three left. None of them dared to hold the baby so they just stared from afar while Chan held them.
âBaby looks like you, hyungâ, Jeongin said to Chan's delight.
âI don't see itâ, teased Seungmin.
âMe neitherâ, Han agreed.
âI can't believe I'm an uncle nowâ, said Changbin.
They took some pictures and made some small talk, they too bought gifts and behaved pretty well when Bang Chan would not shut up about all the amazing things about fatherhood, you thought it was really sweet that they let him gush about it.
Genre: old friends with memories, the tiniest hint of angst, idol!seungmin x former trainee!reader
Contains: some fluff, mutual pinning lol, first snow kinda thing
Word count: 2.7k words
Buy me a ko-fi maybe?
Synopsis: Seungmin doesn't recall when was the last time he saw her, but right now, all he can think of is that she was just as beautiful as the day she left.
Author's note: this is my entry for the #winterfalls event hosted by@hwajin
"Have you guys heard?" Felix says as he looks at his phone, while he sips his iced coffee with his free hand. The other members mutter a monotonous 'what', obviously tired and exhausted from filming all day for their new music video. "Y/n just messaged me, she said that she'll be visiting us for the holidays." Seungmin, who was standing not too far away from Felix, physically stiffens at the mention of your name.
"Ah really? Didn't she quit being a trainee and moved to America?" Chan asks as he gets his makeup retouched by his makeup artist while his manager helps to dab the sweat off his neck.
"Yeah, but we kept in touch since then," Seungmin seems to only sulk upon hearing Felix's words, the feeling of bitterness suddenly filling him up to the brim.
Why keep in touch with Felix but not with me?
"Seungminnie seems to be awfully quiet, don't ya guys think?" Felix teases with a sly grin, earning a chuckle from the other members. "What now?" Seungmin grumbles out, shooting Felix an annoyed glare. "Didn't Seungmin and Y/n had a thing before?" Seungmin felt his cheeks heat up at Minho's question, a slight blush spreading across his cheeks. "Yeah, I can remember that they would eat lunch together," Jisung adds as he sits beside Felix, a half-empty water bottle in hand.
"Oh yeah, I remember one time they were eating ice cream together after practice before. They looked like a cute couple." Changbin butts in, wrapping his arm around Seungmin's shoulder.
Their trainee days were years ago, he can't even remember much of it, but he can recall each and every vague memory that he had of you, especially the ones that Changbin and Jisung had mentioned.
He remembers the moment, he remembers you, your face, and your choppy bangs. He remembers your voice, your favorite flavor of ice cream, and the way you would bite your nails whenever you were nervous.
But when you left him with those memories, Seungmin just can't seem to bring himself to hate you, resent you, or even forget about you. So why, after all these years, why now? Why come back?
"Why are you guys bugging me?" Seungmin whines out, moving away from Changbin and the others, even if it meant losing the cool spot in front of the fan. "Did you and Y/n had a thing way back?" Hyunjin then asks, now standing beside Changbin and stealing Seungmin's spot from before. "Y/n and I were just friends okay? Stop adding malice." Seungmin muses, situating himself on an unoccupied chair.
Right, just friends.
"Stop lying, we know you liked her," Minho says as he leans back to lay on Jeongin's lap who's busy playing on his phone. "Yeah, Hyung. You would always blush whenever she's around." The youngest mumbles without batting an eye, and Felix just snickers as he eyes Seungmin over at the corner, face flushed with red. "Okay, that's enough teasing for today. Y/n said that she'll arrive around the 15th and then she'll be staying over a relative's place so that she can settle down first then visit us around the 17th."
"We'll throw her a welcome party at the dorm then," Chan announces, making his way to sit beside Seungmin. "For old time's sake, yeah?" He adds, but his gaze never leaves the younger.
"Yeah..." Seungmin blurts out with a sigh before attempting to crack a smile despite his nerves. "For old time's sake."
Time seems to fly by since that day and Seungmin never really had enough time to at least mentally prepare himself. He doesn't know what to expect, moreover, he doesn't know what to do.
Would you still be the same Y/n that he met years ago? Would you still be the same silly, goofy, girl that would laugh at her own jokes even though it wasn't even funny? Or did you change?
He doesn't know, and that gives some sort of fear inside of him.
"Y/n, welcome!" He hears Felix greet as soon as he opens the door which was soon followed by a chorus of 'y/n's as the other boys rushed towards the door to greet you. As soon as Seungmin hears the oh-so-familiar sound of your laughter, it was all over for him.
"Hi, guys!" You excitedly greet, giving each and everyone a hug. Seungmin felt his heart constrict in his chest as soon as he sees your face. You still looked the same, the familiarity filling his senses yet at the same time, you looked foreign to him. Maybe it was because you looked more mature now, maybe a little bit wiser, but other than that, it was still you. You still had the same cheery attitude and the habit of jumping up and down whenever you were excited, and god were you beautiful, just as beautiful as the day you first met.
And for a moment, Seungmin felt relief.
You gasp the moment you see Seungmin who was now hesitantly coming forward and you waste no time pulling him in for a hug. "Minnie, I missed you." He hears you mutter as you wrap your arm around his torso, practically burying your head in his chest and inhaling his scent. A blush spreads along Seungmin's cheeks, making the other members who were watching them chuckle and snicker as they watch him hug you back, tentatively wrapping his arms around his small frame.
"Wow, you're still as short as I remember." He managed to joke and you scoff as you pull away from the hug to hit his arm. "I've been gone for years and this is how you treat me?" A hearty chuckle left Seungmin's throat at the sight of the slight pout that formed on his lips. "Ok, cut it down you lovebirds. You can continue catching up later. The food is gonna grow cold." Chan says as he walks in between the two of you, wrapping you both in a headlock to drag you towards the kitchen.
The whole place was lively. The whole dorm was full of chatter and the occasional laughter that fills the air, making the energy contagious, not a gloomy face insight. You missed this, you missed them, and it really made you wonder why you really had to leave.
As you sit in between Jeongin and Jisung, your eyes wander to the figure who was currently at the sink together with Felix. Seungmin, whom you had known since their pre-debut days, become one of your friends that you would usually hang out with when you were still training to become a solo artist. He, together with Felix and Jeongin, would usually hang out with you when they have the time and you were really grateful that they gave you great company.
You were fond of the boys, which you can't deny, but with Seungmin, it felt different.
No, he never became your boyfriend and you never became his girlfriend. You were just friends.
But a part of you wished that you were something even more than just being friends, which of course, is impossible. In the industry, idols who date, let alone a trainee who's at the brink of debuting, is considered as something taboo. And so you kept your feelings to yourself, not willing to take the risk of admitting what you feel towards him because you were pretty sure he didn't feel the same way towards you.
So when you left, you said goodbye to everyone except him. You really didn't know how to face him during that time and your selfishness got the best of you.
But that was years ago. People change as they come and go and feelings fade. You told yourself that you were over it, but whenever you would watch as his eyes disappear into tiny crescents as he throws his head back laughing at one of Jisung's jokes, it made you wonder if you have ever really moved on in the first place.
"We're all out of booze," Minho announces as he looks at the refrigerator, closing and opening it again as if some beer would magically appear if he does so. "Ah, we forgot to restock," Chan responds, standing up from the table to stand beside Minho.
"Does anyone want to go on a quick trip to the convenience store to get some drinks?" He asks the group sheepishly, lightly grazing his nape with a sheepish smile. "Me, I volunteer!" The two boys jolt at your sudden exclamation as you stood up from your seat. "Are you sure? You might get lost." One of them says with concern but you only shook your head. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Seungmin will come with me anyways." The said boy looks at you with shock, his mouth agape, and his eyes wide. "I'm coming with you?" He asks and you nod, coming over to his side of the table. "Yes. Yes, you are, now come on." You say as you practically dragged him to the front door and grabbed your coats.
"See you guys later! We'll be back in a few." The boys didn't even have the time to reply as you had already shut the door behind you. They looked at each other dumbfounded, truly at a loss for words. "Well, that's one way to have him for himself," Minho mutters before taking a sip of his coke.
Seungmin only stares at you wide-eyed as you drag him towards the elevator, his eyes flickering to you and then at your hand that's currently wrapped around his wrist.
"Finally..." You say the moment you step into the elevator, your fingers pressing at the buttons. "I get it, you missed me, but did you really miss me that much to the point where you practically had to steal me from my other members?" He says, a little flustered from the whole ordeal. "Well, this is probably the only time where I could be with you alone so, I took the chance." Seungmin blushes at your admittance and is a little bit surprised at your confidence.
He didn't really know what to say, but it didn't matter anymore the moment the elevator doors finally opens, showing the lobby.
It was chilly outside, and according to the weather forecast that Seungmin had checked on earlier, it said that it was expected to snow.
As the two of you walked side by side in silence, Seungmin ponders if he should say something. You guys were friends after all, so what's stopping him from initiating a conversation?
"So, how were things when I left?"
Ah yes, as always, you've beaten him to it.
"Horrible," Seungmin says absent-mindedly. "I-I mean, it's 'cuz, when you left, it was the time when we were finalizing the members of our group. I really thought Minho and Felix wouldn't be able to debut with us, but I'm really glad that they actually did." He quickly explains, a slight blush forming on his cheeks.
"The boys missed you when you left," he adds with a sigh, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Did you miss me too?" Seungmin stops in his tracks at the sound of your voice, now watching as you move to stand in front of him.
"Yeah... yeah, I did." He says softly, a bitter smile forming on his lips.
"I'm sorry I left you." You say as you look into his eyes, recognizing the familiarity of his gaze. He still had that same look in his eyes, the ones you grew to love. He holds a tender gaze, warm and welcoming, something that you will never get tired of looking at.
"Why are you apologizing?" He asks, and you shrug. "Because I left so suddenly and quit being a trainee. I barely even had the time to say goodbye." Seungmin huffs at your words, a small smile forming on his lips. "There's nothing you have to apologize for, you know? You didn't do anything wrong." You only shrug at his response, now looking down at your feet as you kick the grown, trying to distract yourself from the fluttering of your own heart.
"Besides," you hear him add before being engulfed in a hug which caught you in surprise. "I'm just really, really glad that you're back." He says as he rests his chin on the top of your head while his arms wrap around you tightly. The smell of his cologne engulfs your senses, which brews a warm feeling inside of you that compelled you to hug him back, completely burying your head in his chest. And as you look up, you catch him already looking down at you, a blush spreading across your cheeks at the close proximity between the two of you.
"I... uh-- I've always liked you for a long time now. I just never had the guts to tell you." Seungmin finally admits as he rocks on his heels. You were at a loss at words from his sudden admission, your eyes wide as saucers as you stare at him in disbelief. "Kim Seungmin, are you fucking with me right now?" You ask him as you pull away from the hug. For a moment, worry flashed across his features, concerned that maybe he had crossed the line.
"I'm sorry, I should have never told you--"
"No, no, no. That's not what I meant." You say as you pull him back before he could even walk away. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" You ask him again, and now this time, the worry in his features gets replaced by confusion.
"Huh?"
You sigh at his bluntness.
"I like you too, Seungmin. I always had. I just thought that you only saw me as a friend so I didn't want t risk our friendship just like that."
Now it was his turn to look at you in utter disbelief, mouth opening and closing like a fish as he tries to find the right words to say.
"Well... do you still like me now?" He asks, his words careful and a bit weary. You nod at his words, a bright smile plastered on your face as you slowly walk towards him. "Yeah and... I wanna start all over again if that's alright?" Seungmin takes your hands in his as he smiles at your words, his thumbs soothing your skin. "I'd like that too."
"My name is, Y/n. What's yours?" You jokingly say as you part from him, stretching out your hand for a shake. Seungmin chuckles at your childish act, before stretching out his to introduce himself. "Kim Seungmin, at your service." He says as he shakes your hand firmly, before laughing with you at the deal of the situation.
And at the heat of it all, as Seungmin watches the happiness radiate off of your body, he pulls you by the hand, muttering a quick "Come here, you" before placing his lips on yours.
You let out a surprised yelp before fully melting into his hold, your arms automatically wrapping around his neck to hold him closer to you as his hands find their place by your hips.
Everything seems to work in slow motion from that moment on as you hear your own heart hammering against your chest and you close your eyes in bliss, feeling his soft lips against yours as the two of you pour out your feelings into the kiss, each motion pouring out every pent up emotion that you spent years hiding.
And as you pull away, your eyes still closed as the feeling of his lips still linger at your lips, you feel something cold land on the tip of your nose.
"It's snowing," Seungmin says as he looks up at the falling snow while still holding you close to him. You watch as the ice crystals slowly fall to the ground, some now gathering at the top of your heads.
"I guess we have to hurry and buy those drinks, not unless you wanna get stuck in the snow by the time we head back," Seungmin says as he wipes away the melting snow that rests on the strands of your hair.
"Well, if it means getting stuck with you, I don't see why not?"
guys iâve been noticing something a lot and i kind of want to talk about it.
iâm not sure if itâs just the tags or if people really have stopped writing as much but there has been such a decline in fics recently. especially on stayblr.
when i first discovered stayblr i remember almost every day there would be new series, new one shots, new blurbs and drabbles⊠for all members. it was truly what attracted me to even start this blogânoticing how tight the community was and how eager everyone was in hyping up other peopleâs work and showing them love and appreciation.
i feel like as an outsider looking in, i never noticed how much of a lack there was in interaction and feedback. a lot of big accounts would get interactions; but after a while i realised it was just other writers trying to hype each other up, with a few anons here and there.
meanwhile the feedback from general readers was very scarce. but that was back then. since then⊠there has been an even bigger decline in feedback and interactions. which led to so many wonderful writers leaving this app and taking their brilliant work with them. and it honestly breaks my heart a little because the skz tags used to be so alive, yknow? they really were. now theyâre practically teetering on the edge of death.
i never understood the importance of reblogs on this app until i properly became a part of the writing community, so i get it. i get that you might feel shy. i get that you might not want fics you read on your blog feed. i get that you might have social media anxiety. and those are all valid issues. they really are. but⊠there has to be some way you can give back to the community. not even for the writersâ sake, but to keep it alive. because idk if youâve noticed but the fanfic side of stayblr is slowly dying out.
i know a lot of you leave likes. and gosh, do we appreciate it! genuinely. thank you for the likes. but in the long run likes donât help as much, besties. iâm so sorry. i wish they did âčïž i know it would be easier, but they donât. not just from a tumblr standpoint, but even as writersâwe need feedback, so we know what exactly you like and what you donât.
there are so many things you can do:
if you donât wanna ruin your blog aesthetic, have a separate blog for reblogging fics/giving feedback
if you canât reblog, write a comment
if you donât wanna do that, tumblr literally has an option for you to send anonymous messages. what is there to lose?
if you donât want other people seeing your feedback, request the writer to not post it. or DM them!
but even then⊠if youâre feeling anxious about it⊠find something that works for you. make the person who entertains you feel appreciated. drop a meme, an emoji, anything!
think about it. would you guys treat your faves like this? i get that fanfic writers arenât as desirable as actual celebrities. iâm not even trying to make that comparison. but your faves provide you entertainment and/or comfort the same way your fav fanfics do. and if you feel like your support drives them to make better content, why canât that apply to the fic writers too?
iâm not trying to say you have to. you donât. you really donât have to. but this is a beautiful community and itâs made so many people feel safe and loved. itâs a safe space for so many of us. and itâs dying out because people are not appreciating it enough.
people whoâve been on stayblr for a long time⊠you all remember all the amazing fics we used to get almost everyday, donât you? you ever scroll and try to look for them and then feel sad when you canât find them? itâs because the accounts who wrote those fics deactivated. if you want good work that gives you comfort, please show the people who give you that comfort some love. weâre human too. we need encouragement too.
there are wonderful writers still on this platform but thereâs been a decline in numbers. donât let it get worse, please. we need you to keep this community runningâyour support, your feedback, your appreciationâreaders are just as valuable to a writing community as the writers. please work with us, not against us.
Summary: After a one sided confrontation, Calum has to face your silent treatment
Warnings: Angst. Calum is an asshole. Language. Mentions of alcohol. Some grammatical errors (English is not my first language Iâm sorry)
Word count: 7.7K
Authorâs Note: This lil piece comes a bit late for @hoodhoran âs birthday and a bit early for Calumâs but what a way to start the Aquarius season! Remember that Reblogs, Feedback, Comments and likes are very important and they help a lot, also yelling at me is allowed â€ïž Hope you like it and Happy Reading đŠâšđ»
My materialist // taglist on the bio!
To be fair, he was tired. He was so tired and the week was not even close to being over. Everything was going wrong; some samples of the new songs got lost; the release date for the new single kept getting pushed back; the tour management had to cancel a few performances for scheduling conflicts that they created; and, as the straw that broke the camel's back, he hasnât eaten for almost a day trying to figure this whole thing out before it ends up killing them, and he was starving.
âOkay, letâs go over it one more timeâŠâ Luke sighed, running a hand through his hair as he stared at the notebook on his table.
âWe went over it five fucking times!â Calum groaned, wanting nothing more than to shut down the computer and go to sleep. But these meetings were mandatory, and no one was happy about it.
It was bad enough that they were forced to fix things that were out of their reach, but given that the four members of the band were scattered across the country, they had to do it over Zoom again and there was nothing Calum hated more, using that app only reminded him about the times where that was the only thing keeping him sane by communicating him with his loved ones.
Now, Ashton was somewhere hiding in the mountains, Michael was at a vineyard on vacation and, even though Luke stayed in LA as well as Calum, his throat was starting to hurt, so he opted to stay at home.
âThis is ridiculousâŠâ Calum muttered under his breath, not shying his frustration from his bandmates, and of course, not from you.
You were standing in the kitchen with a worried glance across your face, drumming your fingers upon the marbled countertop as you debated on whether or not to enter the office and offer Calum some sort of comfort.
The loud voices and frustrated groans could be heard all over the house, not to mention how talking to Cal lately meant walking over eggshells from how stressed he was. You havenât seen him smile in so long, you were starting to worry you might forget how it looked.
With a sigh, you tried to keep yourself busy, make all of the chores all over again so you donât have to focus on the raging, horrible mood that Calum has set over the house. You know it wasnât his fault, but he was also not doing anything for it to change, and you were getting tired of tiptoeing around his mood all day long just for him to sulk and complain without telling you how he really feels or even acknowledges youâre there. You wish you could help him just a little bit, show him that heâs not alone in this; but the more he pushes you away, the more you think he doesnât want you there.
It was hard enough as it is to have a conversation with him these past few days, let alone a kiss or a sweet pet name or a soft touch⊠And yes, that might be your neediness talking but shit, you miss your boyfriend. And, somehow, you wish he missed you as well.
An hour had passed and Calum had not come out of his office yet, the muffled voices of the conversation still rang through the house, and even though you couldnât understand what they were saying, it was obvious they were having another argument.
âOkay, thatâs enoughâ You muttered under your breath. You couldnât take it anymore, all this pent-up energy that had no positive outcomes was becoming too much and you couldnât just sit and watch without trying to at least make it better for him.
You knew he was stressed, you knew he needed a break even though he wonât take one no matter how much you could insist, but that doesnât mean you will just let his bad humor get to him forever. Maybe all he needed was something that could make him smile, at least for a while; let him know that you were there for him and that he neednât take this toll on his own anymore.
A simple recipe of macadamia nuts and white chocolate chips cookies will do, after all, you had all the ingredients and you knew they were Calumâs favorites. He hasnât eaten all day, so this seemed like the best option to get on his good side.
Still, that small pit of anxiety thundered inside your chest as you started baking. You knew you were deflecting as well, always finding baking as some sort of escape from reality when things were starting to go sour, hoping to gain some feeling of control over things that fled from your power, much like Calumâs predicaments.
The walls he put up were not his fault, and all you could do was sit outside hoping and waiting for him to open them up and let you in again. He didnât notice you waiting like a soldier outside of the Trojan walls, all he could think about was the war inside of his head, thinking of himself like Achilles and forgetting his fatal flaw. And, like Patroclus, you could only take so much as he came back after the battle, wounded and regretful, but pretending nothing had happened even though you had front row seats to his downfall.
They say when two people love each other, two hearts become one and the love they have feels limitless. No one mentioned that the pain could feel the same, especially when one feels powerless before it.
No, not entirely powerless. You have those cookies, and while itâs not a solution and it might not make everything better in an instant, it could help. All you want to do is help.
You start to carefully plate the cookies so you could present them to him, almost as if it were an offer to the King, and even though that thought made you feel silly and even chuckle a bit, you felt proud of how good they looked; made with love and care for him, for the two of you. And to let him know youâll always be there.
With a wide smile and a heart filled with love, you started making your way toward the office, walking carefully so you wouldnât mess up the plating or, god forbid, trip and let the cookies fall.
The muffled voices could still be heard from the other side of the door, and in order not to disturb too much, you decided it would be best if you just knocked softly enough only for Calum to hear. After all, if it wasnât a good time, you know he would let you know.
You balanced yourself on your heels and smiled as you knocked for a second time, fearing that he mightâve not heard the first time, still, not loud enough for everyone to hear, and if he didnât get it now then youâll just turn around and wait for the meeting to be over.
But that smile you wore suddenly wiped itself away from your face as you heard a loud âFor fuckâs sake!â coming from the room accompanied by the sound of the small wheels attached to the chair sliding across the floor. You were too slow to move.
In a matter of seconds, Calum opened the door, eyes filled with anger fixed on your face as it fell completely bearing witness to a strangerâs face. Because you knew that the person in front of you wasnât your Calum. No, your Calum would never make you feel scared with just one look.
âWhat do you want?â He half-whispered, half-shouted. Not a glance spared to the plate you were holding in your hands.
The coldness of his voice made you flinch, not expecting that reaction at all as you tried to compose yourself enough to answer.
âI- I-â You stuttered, and he wasnât having it.
âJesus fucking christ!â Calum wiped a hand across his face, letting the anger take over âFucking stop with your stuttering if youâre not going to say something important! Fuck, thatâs all youâre going to say especially after all the fucking noise you were making!â
Were you making noise? Shit, you didnât even know. But at the same time, you didnât even have time to think about it as Calumâs voice kept getting louder and louder and even more impatient.
âAll you fucking do is get in my way while Iâm doing something important. So for once have a little respect and just shut up! Jesus, I shouldnât even have to tell you this! Itâs fucking common sense!â
You felt his eyes on you, hard and sharp like a dagger cutting through you. He stood tall, a frown everlasting on his face and suddenly you felt like a child, so small and defenseless as you looked at your feet while swallowing the knot inside your throat.
âWell?!â He yelled, rolling his eyes âYou know what? Forget it! Iâm in the middle of something and itâll be great if you could just shut up for a minute and leave me alone! Iâm having enough trouble as it is for you to keep bothering meâŠâ The last sentence sounded as if he were the one who was hurting right now, but you knew damn well that he was choosing to ignore the tears that were started to gather in your eyes âJust- Go somewhere else and let me be for just one fucking day!â
You heard the slam of the door before you felt it, the small breeze it created serving as the cue for your eyes to give up the fight and let the tears roll silently down your cheeks. Your feet were still glued to the floor, knees shaking as you tried to hold on to the plate with cookies that he never even bothered to look at.
A sob threatened to escape your lips, but you bite down on it, afraid to even make the smallest noise that could make him yell at you again. It was the first time he raised his voice, and you would make it your mission to make it the last. Youâll forfeit the fight you were never meant to fight to begin with. If thatâs what he wants, thatâs what heâll get. You were not going to be a bother anymore.
*
He didnât mean to slam the door as hard as he did, but he was still so angry to even care about it at this moment. He knows you know he didnât mean it, he was just stressed, you would understand. But now there wasnât time to let those feelings in, not when they were still arguing about writing sessions and release dates. There were more important topics on the table than to open the can of worms he just created between the two of you.
Calum let out a long sigh as he took a deep breath while looking at the ceiling, hoping to calm down enough to go back to the video call and not start yelling at his bandmates again. But once he sat down again and saw the horrified faces of his friends, he realizedâŠ
âShit,â He muttered, âI thought I muted myselfâ
âAnd thatâs supposed to make it better?!â Michael asked, a shocked expression across his face.
Ashton didnât even look at him as he bit the inside of his cheek, clearly holding back as he asked âWhat the fuck was that?â
âNothing,â Calum grumbled.
âDidnât sound like nothingâ
âDo you always yell at her like that?!â
Calum wasnât yelling, was he? No, he would never, not at you. He raised his voice, but he wasnât- he didnât⊠He couldnât have.
âI didnât mean itâŠâ He excused himself, hating the fact that he sounded like a child that just got scolded. But heâd never seen Ashton so disappointed.
âDoes Y/N know that?â
You have to, for sure you will know that he didnât mean it. He just⊠wait, what did he say to you? Why couldnât he remember it? He was so blinded by the anger and stress, so caught up he didnât realize the words that were coming out of his mouth. But judging by the eyes of his friends, it couldnât have been something good.
âI- Iâll talk to Y/N later,â He sighed, not even looking at them âRight now we have to figure out when Lukeâs finally going to be available for- Luke? We said no phones!-â
âWhat? Youâre going to tell me to shut up and leave as you did to her?â He said, cold as ice as he kept texting. Calum just sank more into his seat âIâm texting Sierra to check on Y/N, something you should be doing, actuallyâ
Calum rolled his eyes âGood thing is not any of your business-â
âYou made it our business after yelling at her in front of usâ Luke interrupted, looking more serious as ever, the other guys matching that expression âIf youâre that fucking stressed then you take it out on us or yourself but we keep our partners out of itâ
âShit, okay!â Calum raised his arms defeatedly as he got up from his seat âIâll go apologize, jesusâ
He closed the door of the office after hearing Michael mutter âIâll be surprised if she even takes itâ
The silence was something that took him by surprise the moment he stepped foot on the hall. He doesnât know if itâs the guilt thatâs making it so unsettling, he just knows he doesnât like it.
With a sigh, he started to walk around the house, looking for you in every corner and calling your name. Your keys were still on the table and your bag was on the couch next to a very sound sleeping Duke, he knows youâre still in the house but he also knows youâre hiding from him.
The feeling of remorse kept creeping inside of him, swallowing him whole with every step he made where he didnât find you. It was easy to pretend to have it all under control with his friends, but the longer it took for him to look for you, the longer he was starting to lose it completely.
Finally, he opened the door to your room, calling your name with a hidden urgency. The sound of the shower made him let out a breath of relief. You didnât leave, you were still here.
âY/N!â He called, walking over to the bathroom with a newfound hope as he knocked on the door âBabe!â
But you couldnât hear him, or at least thatâs what he thought since you didnât answer. And, for some sick reason, Calum felt glad. He wasnât ready to apologize yet, not because he didnât feel sorry for what he did, but because he didnât know what to say to make it better. He knows you deserve a good apology, not just a regurgitation of words that resemble a âsorryâ The two of you need a bit of space before you could talk again, and he feels like the bathroom is not the best place to do it anyways.
So he sighed and started to walk away, feeling how his heart begged him to stay with every painful beat, knowing you could talk about it later. He knows you know. What he didnât know was how inside the bathroom you were standing under the stream of the shower, crying silently until every intake of breath hurt like a knife across your chest.
Calum went back down, making his way to the office when he felt the dryness of his throat. He made a detour to the kitchen for a glass of water, and thatâs when he noticed them.
âFuck,â He muttered under his breath.
The cookies were still perfectly placed over the plate, with a dash of cinnamon and next to an untouched cup of coffee that you mustâve forgotten. Was this the reason you knocked on his door? Because you made his favorite cookies, knowing he didnât have time to eat and⊠Shit, now he felt like a proper asshole.
He almost wished they were bad, a small reason that could lighten the guilt he felt. But no, of course the cookies were perfect. He couldnât help but moan at the first bite, being able to taste the love and care and just⊠just how much of an asshole he was, now he was sure of it.
His eyes darted towards the stairs, wondering if you were already out of the shower and if maybe he should go and try again, apologize properly and let you know how much he appreciated what you did for him. But, at the same time, he wondered if you would even want to see him right now.
With a shake of his head, he decided to go back into the meeting, thinking itâll be best to just give you both time to cool down at least for now, he will apologize later. He took a couple of cookies and went back into the office.
âSo?â
âShowerâ Was all he said, not missing the way his friends shook their heads with disappointment âWhat?â
âNothing,â Michael answered with a sigh, looking curiously through the screen âWhat are those?â
Calum furrowed his eyebrows at the question until he remembered the cookies, shame lacing his next words âOh, yeah. Um, Y/N made themâ
Luke visibly cringed âDude, you better fix thisâ
The meeting lasted for a couple more hours, but Calum couldnât seem to focus or even pretend to care anymore. His thoughts were filled with you, remembering the way your eyes filled with tears and how you would look at the ground, almost as if you were scared of him. Every second that passed became another memory filled with guilt. Heâs never yelled at you like that, you didnât deserve it, and he promised himself never to do it again. Yet, he knows he should promise that to you, not to the image of you inside of his head.
It was near 9 PM when he turned off his laptop and went looking for you again. You were laying in bed, the dark room almost swallowing you whole if it werenât for the light of the hall where Calum stood, looking at you with the uttermost regret.
It was still early for bed, you knew that, but all the crying took every single ounce of energy that you had left, and when Calum opened the door, wellâŠ
âY/N?â He asked in a small voice, still standing at the door. You could feel his hesitation âY/N, baby, I-â
He started his sentence, but what could he say? Would his apology even count if you were sleeping?
You kept your eyes closed, fighting with the tears you thought you'd shed already, waiting to see what he had to say. But he just sighed, and the next thing you heard was him fumbling with his clothes until you felt the other side of the bed dip under his weight. You didnât dare to turn around, to open your eyes. You didnât dare to make it easy for him just yet.
Calum laid next to you, looking at your back as if it were a wall that you were starting to build around him. He tried to come closer, but you felt so far away and you didnât even move. He prompted himself on his elbow, caressing his fingers over your hair as a million words got stuck inside his throat.
âI love you,â He whispered with a sadness lingering in his voice, and it took everything from you not to say it back immediately. You didnât want to answer to a lie, and even when he leaned to place a small kiss on your forehead, you doubted its meaning.
That night you slept a million miles apart, even when you were an armâs length.
*
The next morning you woke up early, or at least earlier than normal, and for a moment you forgot everything that happened yesterday. For a moment you could pretend everything was fine and that your relationship wasnât balancing on breaking branches. But reality hit once you turned around and found the other side of the bed empty, just like the past few days. And, once again, you were on the tightrope again.
Calumâs words still rang inside your head, feeling humiliated at the thought that not only did he yell at you, but he did it in front of his bandmates. Heâs never done that before, and yes, he was under a lot of stress lately, but that still didnât give him the right to do so when all you wanted to do was cheer him up a little bit and youâve never even got the chance to.
Now, your heart was debating with your pride. You love Calum, more than anything, you love him. But this kind of hurt⊠you didnât know if it was something you could fix. You needed time, not only to cure your wounded heart but also to decide where to go next. If this is how it would always be with him, how much could you allow yourself to take?
The sound of something hard hitting the ground followed by a train of cussed words reverberated through the house, making you jump out of bed and hurry down the stairs in a matter of seconds.
There stood a half-naked Calum with a frying pan in one hand and the lid of a pot in the other, surrounded by a mess of cookware scattered around the floor that he mightâve dropped by accident.
You stayed where you were and didnât say anything, even when Calumâs eyes found you in the middle of the kitchen, an apologetic look crossing his features.
âY/N, I-â He started, his cheeks blushing a little bit as his eyes avoided your gaze âI wanted to grab the pan but it was so far away I couldnât reach it, and- I swear nothing broke!â He started to panic when he noticed you werenât saying anything âI just- I wanted to make breakfast for you, Iâm sorry Iâm such a clutzâ
He gave you a soft, shy smile, the kind that makes his dimples pop and that has your heart thundering along with a thousand butterflies on your stomach. And while that feeling is still there, there was a pain that came with it when you remembered how long it has been since youâve seen him smile like that.
Calumâs heart, however, started beating anxiously when he noticed you didnât smile back when you didnât say anything at all.
âI, um, I was hoping we could talk?â He said, never feeling this nervous before âI wanted to talk with you about yesterday. More like, apologize for what happenedâ
You pressed your lips in a thin line and nodded without meeting his eyes, and when he offered you a seat at the kitchen island you didnât move. You wanted to hear what he had to say, but you still wanted to tread lightly around him. Calum seemed to understand the message, and you couldâve sworn you saw a glimpse of hurt in his eyes.
âY/N, yesterday IâŠâ He started with a deep breath âI was out of line and Iâm sorry. I was under a lot of stress and I took it out on you and that wasnât fair to you, it shouldâve never happened and I swear there will never be a next time. I was an idiot and an asshole and I promise you, baby, that none of the words I said reflect my feelings towards you. Iâm really so fucking sorry, loveâ
His eyes were honest, they always were. But you couldnât help but feel like there was something of truth in his words yesterday, even when he said there wasnât.
Calum took your silence as a cue to continue, stepping closer to you as he said:
âI love you,â no hint of hesitation in his words âI love you so much and Iâm sorry I hurt you. And I know you might not-â
âOkay,â
âForgive- okay?â
âOkay.â You said again, almost as quiet as the silence itself âItâs okay, I forgive youâ
âBabe, itâs not okayâ Calum tried to clarify âItâs really not, I shouldnât have-â
âBut you didâ You deadpanned and your tone hit Calum like a truck âAnd youâve apologized and I forgive youâ
In all honesty, Calum was not expecting it to be that easy. He was ready to fight with teeth and claws for your forgiveness, truly aware of his mistake and more than willing to fix it. But you just forgive him like that? No lecture, no talks about your feelings? He could say he feels relief, but in reality, heâs worried.
âIf youâre sure-â
âWhy wouldnât I be?â And thatâs the first time you look at him in the eyes, but for some reason, he canât find you there.
Calum couldnât find a reason that didnât sound crazy. Why would he want to fight this? Why did you let it go so easily? It wasnât like you, but at the same timeâŠ
âOkay,â He heard himself say, taking a step closer to you to wrap his arms around you and kiss you. But as he leaned over, you moved away; walking straight towards the coffee maker and starting to make your drink.
Calum stood there in shock, not really knowing what to make of that so he just cleared his throat and pretended it never happened as he leaned over the island.
âI was planning on making you coffee today before you woke up,â He said, his voice still lingering with a mix of guilt and hope as you turned your back to him. He had to talk over the machine noise, hoping you could still hear him âI- well, the guys and I decided that we need to have a few days off since the stress was getting all over usâ He explained, playing with his hands nervously, almost like the first time he asked you out âI was hoping we could spend the day together, you know? Maybe watch a movie and cook lunch, go to Target or go on a walk like the old times?â
You still had your back turned to him, not giving him a proper answer as he grew more and more worried.
âOr we could just stay at home and do nothing if thatâs what you wantâ
His voice grew quiet on that last sentence, looking down at his feet as he felt like an idiot for even suggesting something like that. But he was running out of options, he wanted to make sure that everything was, in fact, okay between the two of you. Still, the only thing that lingered on was the sound of the machine until it was finally done.
You turned around with your coffee in hand, looking in his direction but not directly at him as you spoke.
âIâm sorry, Cal. Iâm actually going out with Sierra todayâ
Any other day you wouldâve changed your plans with Sierra; any other day you wouldâve dropped anything to spend a day with Calum doing the things you love most. But not today, not when his words were still fresh in your mind and your heart, not when he asked you to shut up and stop bothering him for at least a day.
âOh, rightâ Calum felt like a propper fool, trying to keep the smile on his face âHave fun, thenâ
An awkward silence fell upon the two of you before you said âOkay, Iâll get going then. Will you be okay here by yourself?â
âYeah, yeah!â He tried to seem more cheerful, not wanting you to feel bad about him âIâll just⊠start cleaning! Havenât done that in a while, itâll be catharticâ And he almost felt proud of the small smile that almost drew on your lips.
You turned to leave when you heard him say:
âI love you!â
He shouldâve done something when he didnât hear you say it back.
*
A week has passed since the incident and everythingâs been pretty normal. You wake up at the same time, you eat your meals, do your work and then go back to bed. The only difference is you donât talk as much as you used to.
It was a conscious thing at first, knowing that Calum needed to concentrate on his things and not wanting to bother him so you wouldnât get yelled at again. You started to give him the space he asked for, getting out of his way and not talking unless directly spoken to, and whenever he did, you limit yourself to simple answers that would satisfy you both like âYeah, sounds goodâ or âNot today, Iâm sorryâ He never asked beyond that and you thought that was what he wanted, so you unconsciously adopted that as the week went on.
Calum, on the other hand, was losing it whenever you wouldnât look his way or you wouldnât even let him touch you. You would wake up next to him and go spend the day away; never sharing a space for more than a few minutes before you moved to another area; you would go to bed at the same time but you didnât cuddle anymore, never kissed him back whenever he did and pulling away whenever his fingers such as graced your skin, almost as if he were poisonous or something.
It was driving him absolutely mad and he didnât know what to do. He thought you had forgiven him; you said you forgave him! So why does this feel like torture? Was this on purpose? Sometimes he felt as if the North Pole was warmer than your shoulder as if he was the worst criminal on death row and you were the judge prolonging the sentence until he begged and cried for mercy.
How crazy it seemed that his life turned upside down without you there even if you were just a few meters apart? He was barely functioning as it is, but not having you, not being able to cuddle with you or even kiss you goodnight, it was taking a harder toll on him than anyone could have expected. Even his friends noticed how out of it he was, they have never seen him that distracted or even that sad; he barely ate or slept a good eight hours, he didnât keep track of the days and all he could do was hope that the next day the situation could be different. It was almost as if the two of you broke up when in reality it was much more complicated than that.
Outside of the relationship you seemed normal. You would hang out with your friends and talk to them daily; you would read your books and listen to your music. But you didnât share it with him anymore. You stopped asking questions; stopped sharing what you were listening to with him; stopped talking about this new book, show, or movie, or even the latest gossip you heard. You act as if he were a stranger and he canât handle it, he didnât know how to handle it.
Today was different, though.
It started to rain before he even got home. Having spent the day at the studio after some days off, he and the guys were much more active and energized to create. Still, all he wanted to do since he left home was come back to it, try and convince you to spend the day with him, and forget about whatever other activity you had planned to avoid him.
But when he finally opened the front door, only Dukeâs little paws came to greet him. He got used to the silence, but that didnât mean he liked it. In fact, he hated how loud it sounded when you were the one creating it. But this silence felt weird, different than the others. Because even though you wouldnât speak to him, at least he knew you were somewhere in the house. You were still there.
Calum tried to shrug that feeling off, telling himself that you might just be out getting some groceries, thinking that youâll come back and he would tell you to get ready so you could go out for dinner and maybe even a movie if you were up for it. He was trying to make it right between the two of you again, whatever and however long it took.
He walked over to the kitchen to make himself some tea, and thatâs when he saw it: up on the counter, a small piece of paper with your handwriting on it:
âIâm staying at Sierraâsâ
Thatâs it? You were gone just like that? No other explanation?
The ground seemed to sink under his feet as a dreadful feeling filled his chest, closing it and making it hurt with every breath he took. The memory of your actions this past week flooded his mind in a rush, cursing at every sign he willingly turned his eyes from.
You were leaving him.
*
The world happened around you, and you watched as if it were a movie; not really participating or engaging, but taking note as everything moved in slow motion. Thatâs how it felt sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in your hands as your friends laugh along with one of the many stories shared on girlsâ night.
It wasnât their fault you were so out of touch, lately, your mind was just elsewhere most of the time. Or rather, your mind was with someone most of the time, even if that someone didnât want you there.
âHey, are you okay?â Sierra asked, sitting next to you and pulling you out of your head.
âHmm? Oh, yeahâ You smiled, fooling no one.
âHave you talked to him?â
A sigh escaped your lips as you shook your head, it was more complicated than that.
Itâs not like you didnât want to talk to him, you just didnât know how. After that night you started to second guess every word before it came out of your mouth, wondering what would be too much or if itâs really worth saying it out loud if he didnât want to hear it in the first place. You didnât want to give him another reason to yell.
And itâs not like heâs been trying either. Every question that came out of him, every suggestion, and every touch seemed forced. You could tell he was awkward even though he apologized, but it seemed those words werenât true and you were still somehow bothering him.
Calum was never a man of many words, but he wasnât one to yell either. That day something seemed to snap in him and it was impossible to see him or yourself in a different light. It wasnât fair to either of you.
âAm I pushing it?â You asked, âIf I feel he doesnât want me there anymore, is me staying making it worse?â
âOh, babyâ Sierra cooed âOf course Calum wants you there, he loves you!â
And you love Calum, with all of your heart, you love him. But you also love yourself.
âThen why do I feel like heâd be better if I just disappear?â
But just as she was about to answer, the doorbell started ringing like crazy. All of your friends kept quiet, looking around as if to make sure all of you were there and no one was missing.
Sierra got up to try and see who it was, but Luke beat her to it, having appeared from the kitchen and practically running toward the door where he started to have a conversation with whoever was standing on the other side.
You carefully turned to your friend, asking her silently if she knew what was going on, but her face read the same as you as the muffled words became louder.
âJust let me see her!â
Instantly, your body froze at the sound of that too familiar voice as he stepped into the room. Your eyes widened at the sight of Calum, completely drenched from head to toe, eyes watery and hurt as he held on to a little piece of paper in his hand.
âY/N!â He breathed once he saw you in the midst of your friend group, voice as desperate as his eyes, almost breaking down âCan- can we talk? Please,â
Luke stood behind him, shooting you an apologetic look, and out of the corner of your eye you could see how your friends were starting to move to another room, giving you all the space and privacy you needed
It mustâve been a couple of minutes between his arrival and until the two of you were completely alone. But for Calum, it felt like an eternity as he searched for your eyes and found nothing but shock in them.
Once the room was cleared out, you asked:
âWhat are you doing here?â
âI- I came to talk,â Calum answered, sheepishly.
âWhy are you wet?â
He looked down and for the first time noticed his drenched clothes and the small puddle he was making on the carpet as the droplets of water kept falling from his hair.
âI ran. I thought it would be faster than-â
âWhy?â
Your voice had no hint of malice nor annoyance. It was curious, surprised even that he ran all the way here even though it was less than a ten-minute drive. Calum noticed it, too, seeing in your eyes the question he could only answer with the words he feared the most but he knew he couldnât avoid, at least, not anymore.
He looked at the paper in his hand, most of the writing already gone as it crumbled due to the rain. His heart was beating loudly, but he needed to know.
âAre you leaving me?â
And maybe it was the breaking in his voice, or how small it sounded when he said it out loud. Maybe it was the way he would look at his feet, scared to meet your eyes and find the answer he dreaded the most. But something in that phrase told you almost everything he didnât say this past week.
âWhat?â You couldnât help but ask, matching his soft voice as you failed to hide your own sadness.
âYou- you said you were staying at Sierraâsâ He explained, âI thought⊠I thought that was your way of telling me we were overâ
A sigh escaped your lips as you looked down âI thought youâd think higher of me than just leaving a simple noteâ
Calum raised his head, shoulders falling in defeat âAnd what was I supposed to think, Y/N?â The tiredness in his voice became apparent, almost as if he was giving up âYouâre ignoring me ever since-â
âIâm not ignoring you,â
âBullshit!â He almost laughed, he could laugh. This whole situation was getting off the rails âYou barely talk to me, you wonât let me touch you. Y/N itâs been weeks since we had sex or did anything together! When was the last time you let me hold your hand? I canât even remember the last conversation we had cause all you do is avoid me! Fuck, you canât even look me in the eyes right nowâ
You wrapped your arms around yourself, holding yourself tight as you looked back at him and you almost wished you didnât.
Calumâs eyes were open wide, watery with unshed tears as he struggled to find the right words. The words that would make you listen, maybe even talk to him. But you were so far away that heâs scared he might get lost in translation.
âI understand that I fucked up,â He said, taking a step closer to you but still keeping his distance âI understand that I hurt you and I swear thereâs nothing I regret more than what I said that night, it haunts me every day and I know I canât take them back but please, stop pretendingâ
You blinked at him âPretend what?â
âThat youâve forgiven meâ
âCalum,â You sighed âI-â
âI know you said you did, but you havenât. Not reallyâ He saw the way your eyes filled with tears almost instantly, not a word to correct him âAnd I understand why Iâm not saying this to blame you for anything. I just⊠I just want you to talk to me.
Y/N, this past week has been nothing but tortureâ Calum admitted âI didnât realize how much I needed you. When Iâm home it doesnât feel like it, not when youâre not there to greet me or to ask me about my day or just being there⊠I miss your voice and I miss your jokes, your makeshift songs, and your laugh. I miss when youâd kiss me out of nowhere or when you play with my hair after a long day of work, even when Iâve been nothing but an asshole to you. I didnât deserve any of that, I didnât deserve for you to care but, fuck, Y/N what can I do for you to forgive me?
If you want me to beg, Iâll do it. Iâll crawl on my knees and cry if thatâs what you ask. I canât function without you, I canât breathe or be normal again if I donât have you in my life and Iâm so fucking sorry I took that for granted. Truth is, I need you. If Iâm being honest I realized that I need you more than you need me and thatâs so fucking scary, IâŠâ
Calum pressed his lips together, looking away as he tried not to cry even though your eyes were already letting the tears fall silently.
âI got so scared when I found that note today,â He said with a breaking voice âBecause I knew why you would leave, I understood and- And I hated myself for it. I hated myself because I knew I did nothing to try and make it right, to try and make you stay. I thought I lost the love of my life-â
âYou didnât,â You were quick to answer the moment it seemed like he was about to cry âNot yet, noâ You sniffled, trying to compose yourself enough to know what to say âI thought you didnât want me anymoreâŠâ
Calum snapped his head âWhat? Baby,â He took a step closer âBaby, no. I would never-â
âBut you said it!â You cried, âThat night, you said I was always bothering you and you wanted me to leave. And I thought that if I stayed out of your business that youâd want me again, that you could still want me. I thought that was what you wantedâ
âFuck, Y/N, no!â Calum shook his head, taking another step closer so that you would be face to face, raising a hand to cup your cheek so he could look into your teary eyes âI love you,â
âThen why didnât I feel it?â You whispered âWhy- Where was this love when you yelled at me? I was so humiliated, Calâ His face fell with shame âAnd I was so mad, not just because you yelled, but because it seemed so easy for you to do it that I believed every word. Theyâve echoed through my mind since that day and even when you said they werenât true, I couldnât believe that. Not anymore.
And then you stopped trying to talk to me as well, and I thought-â
Your words got caught up in your mouth the moment Calum leaned over and kissed you, holding your cheeks with his hands as you melted against his body, kissing him back with all of your might.
The saltiness of your tears mixed with the sweetness of his lips, a tempting taste that only got you craving for more since you were deprived of his kiss for a long time. A million thoughts ran through your head, a million words unsaid, but only one feeling that ruled over them.
He was the one to pull away first, chasing your lips and pecking them with small kisses that soon spread all over your face, kissing over your tears and nose; holding you closer as if he were afraid to ever let you go.
âI love you,â He said between tears and kisses âI love you, I love youâ He put his hand on the back of your neck, pressing his forehead against yours before hugging you tightly and hiding his face on the crook of your neck as he repeated an unrehearsed speech that came straight from his heart âIâm sorry, Iâm so fucking sorry, my love, Y/N. Iâm so sorry, I didnât mean- I never meant that to be the truth, I swear it wasnât, not even then and not ever. You didnât deserve to hear all of that, to even think that I didnât want you around. I didnât mean it, I didnât mean it, I swear!â
You held on to him, tears streaming down your face as you tried to make sense of his words, not caring that you were now drenched with the rain as well. Once again, mind, pride and heart fight relentlessly to find their meaning. But you didnât care, at least not for today.
âCalumâŠâ
âPlease, come back homeâ He begged, voice muffled against your skin âI canât do this without you. I need you, Y/N. I need you and Iâm sorry. I shouldâve realized, I shouldâve noticed! I didnât mean it, baby. Please,â
âShh, itâs okayâ You whispered, closing your eyes and holding him even tighter as your hand ran up and down his back âItâs okay, Cal. We can get through this, itâs okay. I love you, tooâ
That night Luke offered to drive you guys back home. You stayed up until the early hours of the morning, just talking, discussing, and forgiving. Not a lie was told and no feelings were held. Promises were made and time will tell if theyâd keep that way.
But when you finally went to bed, his arm around your waist and holding you as close as he could, you knew youâd be okay.
you wanna talk about why content creators are leaving tumblr and leaving you high and dry without material to fantasize over? let's talk about it.
hmm, lets see!
first of all, none of you fucking care to reblog our work. we are all aware of how tumblr's algorithm is absolute trash. writers have been BEGGING for readers reblog their works bc it's the only way our works can be seen and in turn, we receive the fruits of our labor via followers and exposure. but no, lets make MORE THAN HALF of the likes to reblog ratios consist of fucking LIKES. on top of that, we don't we shit on writers for wanting the absolute BARE MINIMUM aka a REBLOG bc well, they're not entitled to it aren't they? while writers aren't necessarily entitled to notes, answer this; do you work for free? do you bust your ass doing something knowing that there will be no pay off what so ever? that's what i thought.
secondly, you treat us like shit. you expect us to spit out content like we're a machine and when we don't get to it on time bc we have - idk - LIVES, you send the shittiest asks demanding for more content that you aren't even paying for. do you think people are gonna neglect their real life responsibilities to write for YOU and for FREE? absolutely not. on top of that, when we start writing for ourselves and our own spaces, we get push back. yea, not an effective way to encourage your favorite fic writers to give you more content to consume.
and lastly, YOU STEAL FROM US. each and every fic that a writer puts out has taken hours, days, weeks, or even months to write. that's lots of hard work and time invested into one single piece for you. free of charge. people put their fucking hearts into their work. and what do you do in return? disrespect them in one of the most hurtful ways possible.
so yea, i don't blame a single fucking person for leaving this shithole and NONE of you should be surprised. this is YOUR doing.
